[JTL 98] Expression without energy directly here

I forgive myself that I have never considered to express myself without inner reactions, not realizing that this inner space I've defined is not real and not supporting me as Life but separates my beingness from direct here.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that within allowing myself to react inside what only myself I feel, I think, I become emotional is a reaction for the fact that I wanted to feel separated from what is here in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that within thinking and speaking to myself actually I am within fear of not being able to directly see, understand, realize what is here, who I am, what to do and why I am here.

I forgive myself that I have not considered that within fear from not being able to understand/realize/see who I am without thoughts/feelings/emotions is based on the personality, character I've learned to became in order to survive and protect who I perceived myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not considered that within any moment giving into fear I actually manifest inner reactions what will generate energy which is friction what I experience as myself and only myself, as separated from what is here in and as the physical and not considering that this energy is coming from the physical, here.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that everything here is of and as the physical and without it who I've defined myself to experience, feel, be by and as energy is gone, therefore within any lack of consideration of physical here is in fact I disregard who I really am as substance.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within fear from not having energy, enough energy, good energy, positive energy actually I am already within and as energy who I define myself to be and use as reference to be who I perceive myself to be and use this as comparison and starting point to tell me who I am of and as energy by and as disregarding what is here as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from what energy I will experience within myself if I do things what I have defined as negative and not realizing that what I feel as energy is not real - but as consequence of accumulation of disregarding who I am as substance which is neither positive or negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk into situations wherein I stop feeling positive energy, start feeling negative energy as tension, resistance, anxiousness and not realizing that this energy reaction is showing me what I have allowed myself to automatically be defined by and as the circumstance I am within and actually this is the moment when I can understand how and why I abdicated my direct presence and re-align myself as starting point as, direct, physical.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that my physical body as being naturally present and physically feel good is not the same when I have energetic reactions towards defining and reacting to things what I've defined as good for me, others and by the reaction and energy movement feeling good, separated from direct physical presence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to differentiate from what is physical direct here feel to what I feel within me of and as energy as reaction by and as thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from feeling physically good which is an indication that I am within and as my human physical body and currently being alright, because judging it as bad as self-interest within the fear of having this as mind-experience and fear from remaining so therefore by this fear actually not being able to be relaxed and natural within and as direct here-ness as physical presence as feeling good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from feeling good as defining myself who I perceive myself to be as can not be trusted within what I experience as good within the constant need for defining good and avoiding what I've defined as bad and within not trusting this yet doing it actually I've manifested not trusting myself in every moment at all.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that not need to define physically feel alright as good, and by this definition actually feel good in and as reactions and by that have this 'feel good', just because I've defined and accepted myself to not be able to constantly be aware of the body, how the body feels, how it is 'doing', 'going'.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can trust myself within taking the time to experience my human physical body to be here and to realize that this idea of 'having and taking the time' in and as my body here is who I am currently and not needing to have a reason, a justification for why I put my starting point in and as the body.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any reason for why putting my starting point in and as my human physical body here is of and as the mind as personality of lack of self-trust as manifested consequence of fear.

I am here, i am grateful being here, direct, physical human body.

I do not require a reason to experience, to feel, to be this body who I am manifested as physical flesh.

I let go the need, the strive, the tendency to disregard physical presence by focusing to energetic movements, reactions to thoughts, feelings and emotions and I am directly here in every moment, constantly, consistently with no reason, no gain, no hope, no fear.

I understand, realize, remember that I trust myself to be direct physical flesh with no thoughts, reactions, emotions, feelings required but be direct expression, presence, consistency.


When and as I experience disregarding physical presence of focusing to thoughts, feelings, emotions, definitions, I stop it, I re-align myself to be here, as the body, as my feet, arms, trunk, head as one as equal as myself undefined, breathing.

When and as I experience tension forming in and as my human physical body by disregarding what I actually do here and focusing, choosing, following energy within and go into the polarity game of positive, negative in and as the mind, I stop it, I stop myself, I breathe, I let go, I become comfortable and relaxed within what I actually do physically and I re-align myself as self as flesh as physical unconditionally.

When and as I fear from losing my physical presence by going into situation wherein I have memory of losing my presence within reactions towards points I've defined as separated from me by requiring to define positive and negative within the starting point of fear - I let it all go - I breathe, I embrace the moment as everything is here as myself and I trust myself and remain inner silent and I act.

When and as I doubt within myself to be able to express myself and not fall and fail - I realize it is of memory as fear, so I stop it, I breathe, I re-align myself to be and as the physical body as direct expression and I forgive myself what I have allowed myself to react to and be defined by as energy and I let go all energy and I trust myself here unconditionally.

I commit myself to remain always here in and as the physical body as flesh as substance as Life unconditionally and disregard all energy, all thoughts, all feelings, all emotions within the realization that these are of and as the personality of the mind as accumulation of fear, doubt, separation.

I commit myself to be comfortable and consistent within and as being present in every moment unconditionally, always the same, as myself yesterday, today, tomorrow within the consideration of what is best for me is what is best for all.

[JTL 75] STOP Automatic Energy Desire

Equality as Self

This belief that I need to equalize myself based on external conditions I am letting go through stopping to give permissions to react automatically in each moment.

I feel like I am exploding - it is some sort of depression - not as people refer to it as 'bad feeling, not wanting to do anything' but as strong, slow vibration what makes me busy to observe it all the time and wanting to understand, to end yet not doing what is common sense: STOP.

It is like a holding back - because it is getting too much but judging that I can not solve this self-holding-back by raging therefore just suppressing within a hope that this experience will go away and not considering that this is me.

Also it is tricky, because when I focus to it(by reason and starting point of 'interest') - as myself - it is volatile - it seems to be many different things - project-related difficulties, physical tiredness, health issues - and even it can occur that when I really corner a self-dishonesty within me - within directly facing it - as myself: I become equal as one and it starts to direct me as it is - and even my starting point is to completely stop this aspect of me - within facing, stopping, I react to it and within reaction I automatically activate myself as this part of personality and then I go with the self-defined character for a while and then when the energy of the 'initial' facing reactions as thoughts/feelings/emotions go away - I realize I've been fooled with myself - it is something like that, it is strange to write something like that but then it seems to be that schizophrenia as paranoia is part of the 'normal' human - but I am not sure I can perceive or 'define' myself as 'normal' anyway...
So the self-definitions I react to and that is energetically making me 'high' from which I shift personality and activate other reactions within self-definitions totally automatically - within my interest.

Suppressing that automatically reacting is okay however each time I really see within - I do I feel it as madness.

I always know what I do - it is deliberate - and mostly it is of this belief that 'one last time' - or 'soon hopefully I will be able to stop' and 'well, I do not know why I do this, but then I do it anyways and I will see, if I am not Self-honest, then I will be one time anyways, it is inevitable'. And this is foolishness to remain so.

The energies within come and go - high and low, polarity as positive and negative - within all sorts of cycles and loops - some are happening by seconds, some by days, months, probably some by years. But my Self-awareness, as Consistency and Presence is not CONSTANT to remember, to understand, to even realize this - therefore I am always this 'I of consciousness' in each moment - completely different yet the same person as human - but always different from within as energy - yet not realizing, seeing it.
It is like when I make time lapse video by taking photographs one in a minute for a day and then I make it as video, meaning 24 minutes is a second, 4 hours is a minute and a day is 6 minutes. And then I see that video and I see patterns what I could not discover without seeing it in a 'broader' time frame with different rhythm. That is Self-honesty within Presence - not going INTO the virtual reality of the mind - but remain here - and see the tendencies what I allow myself to 'be wanted to go into' the mind - and then I see that each day is the same - fear from loss, desire for satisfaction, sexuality, money, fame, power etc.
To see who I am regardless of time - because IN the time I am allowing myself to be equal as one with what I experience and what I react with and as. And then this is who I am and it is only what I require to see - everything else is coming and going. Apparently automatically.

This sexual desire for me is like that - I see it is coming, I accept it as 'something' yet I create it in the first place by reacting to bodies, sounds, pictures, experiences - accumulating and not realizing meanwhile - by not being present and when it is present as 'solid' - I notice it and then it already influences me. Fascinating.

Sexual desire is a bit tricky for me - it is same as the drug - I experience that I suppress it as 'need' and then from a point it 'wants' to be taken over - I mean I want to be taken over by what I suppress as myself, because myself here within direction I can not express this aspect of myself therefore wanting to build a system within what will do it for me.

But that is not who I really am but I build it anyway. At least to see is it really me?
Then when it takes over I observe - acting myself like a fool meanwhile feeling cold, distanced and then after a while the energetic charge is so strong, I just want to release and discharge and then promising myself: after this last release I will change.

But I say it only for to trick myself to justify the release again and then I will be tired and then off from 'energetic high'.

And doing things based on that means I will deliberately charge energetically within again in order to take direction and when I 'am energetic' - it is too late - too much automation I see and observe but not stopping it as the result of self-judgment I do not experience it directly as it is: myself, but as a thing I observe as needing to stop.

And then I stop - and then I fight, I force, and then I let it go and then I react and I judge and then I suppress.
Basic personality. I am stopping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself that I require sexual expression, sexual arousal, sexual release to equalize myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am unable to direct myself and I react to this 'judgment' I am going into thought with I manifest feelings what with I form emotions to balance out/suppress down/justify and deliberately suppress by distraction/stimulation/obsession.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that allowing myself to react a state wherein I perceive myself as 'I am unable to direct myself' is a result of thoughts, feelings, emotions of self-judgment of fear what must be investigated within absolute specificity to understand the starting point and the practical application of how to PREVENT myself to accumulate pre-programming of myself through and as self-defined personality and character what takes over and direct me in the name of myself based on my interest meanwhile I am not able to be fully here, consider common sense, all others equally.

I forgive myself that I have never considered myself to realize that in the moment I give into the energetic reaction as automation - I diminish, I only go into a journey deliberately within hope to not end up the way as I do all the time - by realizing that it did not work to satisfy my and actually not daring to be self-honest that the only way to be satisfied is to always be self-honest and stop the inner reality of myself what with I superimpose who I've defined myself to be as outer as who I am as person/character in this physical existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from getting what I want and to showing, sharing what I really want by judging myself in the first place as of 'self-interest' what defining as 'bad' therefore acting the opposite meanwhile still hoping for fulfilling my interest without being judged by others and then by that: indirectly by and as myself as my origin, starting point of: self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have not considered myself as interest of myself and missing the meaning of the word of 'in the rest' and not considering others but my own interest.

I forgive myself that I have not been able to directly see when I am tired as mind consciousness and when I am tired as human physical body simply because being occupied within the mind as the mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions to tell me who am I and whenever the thoughts of mind says that I am tired - I actually am experiencing myself as tired..
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a tendency when I define myself as tired to close my eyes and trying to rest and after a couple seconds realizing that I am thinking about unrelated things from the subject and daydreaming without realizing it immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to give permission to automatically think when I do not focus to physical reality and not considering why and about what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate thoughts/feelings/emotions into manifesting desires within me what drives me, what moves me, influences me, directs me and when I am realizing it I define myself as separated from it, I perceive as something nothing of me but something within me as not me and wanting to force myself to stop following it or allowing myself to automatically act according to it meanwhile not considering to stop and see what and why I am doing within what starting point.

I forgive myself that I have not considered to realize that desires I've manifested and stored and suppressed within and as me because I could not deal with accumulation of self-dishonesty of perceived separation of self-definition to avoid direct responsibility for fear of loss and manifesting as something I want or I want to avoid but not directly as myself here undefined as unified but as and of as flow of compartmentalized mind-states, conditioned energetic reaction experiences within self-automation.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within defining energy is what moves me, if I am not able to define energy, then nothing moves me and who I've defined myself to be as energy is not present, therefore I am defined as lack of energy and allowing myself to not move by this definition of lack as separation from myself based on the experience of energy, the judgment of lack of energy as who I perceive myself to be meanwhile it is irrelevant for and as the physical reality, for human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have not been self-honest with myself in terms of applying stopping within each moment when seeing I am moving by self-definition because not even realizing that I am moving based on self-definition.

I forgive myself that I have NOT assisted and supported myself to specify and be aware to the absolute degree that what 'feeling' is real as me here as physical as my beingness and what is a 'feeling' of personality of energetic mind of personality of self-definition of thoughts and using this 'not knowing' as excuse to not direct myself to remain here.

When and as I seek for sexual release I realize it is of self-definition of character as accumulation of thoughts/feelings/emotions therefore the need and urge will not stop being defined who I am and what I must do in order to manifest who I am from the starting point as the mind - but the PREVENTION to react thoughts, to allow myself to follow and react to thoughts and give permission to thoughts and reacting to those as valid and as who I am - accumulates into energies if I do not stop and remain not reacting within Self-direction: therefore I stop reacting with thoughts to things related to sex, sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to map out within and as me what I react to as sexually arousing and then becoming aware of how I've automated myself to react with energies what I define as myself and then compounding to actually requiring to let go and defining myself within the 'energy compounding' and 'energy releasing' and this cycle perceiving as who I am meanwhile in fact being aware of that this is 'not really me' yet not stopping.

When and as I am daydreaming by following thoughts while I am awake - I stop, I realize it will cause consequences what I have the tendency to use as excuse of 'energy over me' and I stop it before accumulates, I remain here undefined, I remain here as breath as active, directive presence even when I am not moving my body.
When and as I give into the temptation of sexual energy, desire to act - I stop, I breathe, I let it go and I am re-align as breath until it is not present and I am empty - and I realize this is only wasting time and I will timeloop to the same point again unless I stop and not stop by force of judging this happening as 'bad' but as Self-honesty to decompose and practically stop participate within the thoughts/feelings/emotions I've defined myself to be in relation to sex and sexuality.

I re-align myself with and as presence when I am closing my eyes I remain here, breathing, as body, as limbs, as my trunk, as my head, as my feet, as my hands, I am body as one body as here as present as physical as life.


I commit myself to stop desire for sex to be equalized in each breath and I am consistently re-align myself with the self-direction to see when I try to manifest desire by judgments of separation of fear and I allow myself to let it go - I direct myself to let it go as part of myself what I believed to be real but not anymore: I am here as physical, that is no desire, desire is not required but Self-direction with and as the Physical within Absolute Self-honesty in each moment equally.

I suggest to start writing daily because it is only ourselves who we can explore/realize/stop our own mind while we are gifted with days when we are able to allocate time for practical Self-realization - this is not something what we all humans have - mostly people are busy to survive, to stay alive - if you are in the situation that you can choose, I suggest taking the time to write within Self-honesty and Apply Self-forgiveness each day because our days are numbered and what remains here is the physical as manifested consequence of each act we do or each acceptance what for we do not do to stop.
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Trust issues

Trust.

With my partner, we realized that we must agree on words - words what we agree to live by and live as.
We agreed on some words to live by and as - but there are still areas what we not even touched yet we express.

For instance we decided to support ourselves by self-honesty, consistency, stability in which I found we are not real.

What I found very supportive as well is that we agreed on not participating sexually with others unless we would agree on different.
It's like a contract - we sign with self-honesty words what we decide to live as one as equal.

I had the tendency to wander about other women too but in fact I found this confusing not only for myself but for my partner. Still sometimes I do not realize that I do speak or act things as flirting - not really intentionally but it's like directly manifested unconsciously - we agreed on this - yet sometimes I fly away - when I am not here as Breathing Self Presence. Then I am compromised by influences of the mind as I've designed myself.

My partner, told me that she does not really trust me within this because she found that men are opportunists who bend according to situations. I told her that I am really pushing myself to earn this trust as I decided to not play boy with women. At one event something occured with an other girl some months ago and when I told my partner this, in fact she told me that she did very similar with her ex-boyfriend almost at the same time. Then when I told her what happened, she was really furious with me and after some minutes she told the story what she did and then it was quite an equal and we discussed this and we both agreed on not to do so and since then I do not give into such opportunities for compromise myself with situations wherein I could literally give into these kind of temptations. Because we agreed on this and I find very important to do so.

Many times I found people untrustworthy. In fact I always had the issue to trust within others while I was unable to trust myself at situations. But for instance what I do prefer to myself - about that I always trusted myself almost unconditionally. When I faced with alcohol or drugs - at one point I always realized - this is not really good for my body - and I trust my body. That was the first level of my trust. When I feel the pain within the body - I trust in that it is manifested physical pain and it is not cool, I must act in order to stop this physical pain.

When I do say that I prefer not to eat raw onion - I trust my preference. That one I could question already as it is not directly physical - it is the taste of it what I perceive or define as not cool and I act according to that.

Within my process I realized there are situations when I can not trust within my eyes - for instance when seeing shiny and fancy and huge advertisements - or when I was tripping the hell out of me by drugs - I've seen things what I saw but in fact later on I found out that these were not real. What I physically feel, touch is real, within that I can give trust that it is as I experience - however if I bring up any memories, definitions, connotations, associations, feelings, thoughts or any inner reaction according to the physical feel of touch - then I already stepped beyond reality and walking within Mind Realm wherein anything is possible regardless of what is real here.
I also noticed that multiple people has multiple level of multiple trusts.

Myself also, at workplace I trust in my boss about my job, about the project, about the information what he shares - by working with him more than 2 years - I walked with him through lot of shit(problems, solutions) and I trust him in that - however about personal life and personal point of views - I am not sure I could trust in him.

Sometimes people do say to me that I am too naive - mostly about the so called 'friends' who sometimes come and for instance ask some money from me with the promise that soon they will pay it back - and in fact never - I was like if he says so - I mean it's like hollywood shit - I see the close-up of his face with all of the details and he is saying the words "I will give it back next week" - and it is in a way so promising like when I see the movie in the cinema with the actor who says: -"I am going to kill them." - and then he does so.

So it's like I imagine myself within a movie wherein the actors are honest at least - the actors who I am surrounded with - at least they should do as they say so - and if not - then by watching the movie - after some occasions - one can say - this person can not be trusted by his/her words.

At least for me it is like if I give money to someone BECAUSE he said he will give it back - because it's obviously seen within 'my movie' that I am not peeing that fucking money from thin air - I do work for it with "my all precious" time. So. I had to realize I must change within that because I have this trust issue.

When a friend asks for money and then I do not get back that money - I should consider that this particular person is untrustworthy. At least from my point of view. At least from the point of this money borrowing thingy. What I found that with multiple guys - we were in quite open communication relationship, so called friends, but after this money thing went through and I did not see back the money - (it was never HUGE amount, more likely about 20-100 Euros mostly) then after a while we stopped all contact.
Some even came back after about a year and asked again, but most of them 'just somehow' never saw me again.
Also there was one guy, who felt so bad about it that he could not give money to me that he was unable to face me and when after about a year we met - he was just saying that 'I want to give it back, I am just selling some instruments, very soon hopefully I wil be able to pay' - and I told him I do not care about that amount anymore, it's gone, whatever, what about you, how are you? And then he asked my phone number and then I stepped off the tram and I never heard from him.
I trusted him that he could do - but in fact by this trust I lost thousands - what I do not regret - but I must adjust my attitude to this because I am currently focusing on financially stabilize myself and each point is equally important within the simple mathematical equation of 1+1=2.


Also I found that the trust is like the word truth - different for everyone.

Another aspect for instance:
There was a summer when I was with friends about 5-6 years ago when we did basking and juggling on street in Spain - we did smoke a lot and at one point we agreed on not trust in each other - it was not really problem - it was almost like a happy fun to realize that we are so stoned and disoriented and confused and lazy that even when one said 'I've checked the doors of the car, it's locked' - it was not sure because we were untrustworthy.
Even at a point I remember I said: 'I do not even trust myself about these kind of points'.
Yet we had to exist within a so called 'team' - wherein people had activities to do for instance one guy made the juggling stick and one was the driver of the car and I was the one who played with the stuff on street or playing music instruments to demonstrate how great fun is this or attract people with the music for one may buy it and the fourth guy was the one who took the money from the buyers and gave the stuff for them. But of course the roles werent that strict - in a way when we realized we are so fucked up, I started to be more conscious about points what are important because we must be able to exist efficiently otherwise we would end up not selling stuff and not having money.
What I did about points what I've defined as important - for instance to close the door of the car when we sit in to start to go somewhere - then I checked it multiple times regardless of remembering that I did check it or not.
Because at one event we started the car while the door was open - and the policemen stopped the car and said "it's open, you should close it" - and then we did so and started the car again and then an other door of the car was still open and I realized how much we are fucked within our expression.

But in that time somehow we even defined that as 'cool' because the only thing what we cared about is that we push the drug into our head and then we fly around things while our desires(fabricate,sell juggling sticks) must be manifested.
In that time I was not aware of that Trust must be built and earned.


Or an other story:
Recently my partner was in a camp wherein one guy approached her for how about kissing - and then she told the guy that I am with Tala now(the guy knows me), and we agreed on that we do not do these things behind each other - and the guy asked her one more time with reasoning "come on, he will not know it".

Also then when he realized she wont kiss - he told her that he also agreed with a girl who he does sexual things with, that they will not do sex with others without the other knowing - but he sometimes does so as it is referred as 'cheating'.
My partner told him that he should re-discuss with her about this sex thing with his partner and discuss on what both agree to do.

Fascinating. Not personally I am wondering about this guy regardless of he knows me or not - but how human nature operates generally - by using the excuse that 'the other will not know it'.

In fact for me it is more likely an issue of myself first. I must exist with that I did not do what I agreed on with somebody to do. Then, in fact broke my agreement with her while I will imitate that I did not.
But when the other will realize that I did not do according to what we agreed upon, then what will happen?

The city wherein I live as I face with people I noticed that they do not live by principle and agreement- as I did not live by principle before DESTENI as well.

Recently I met with some teenagers, it seems to be that they did not yet develop a stable 'experience' of self - more likely they are faced with expressions from outside and they simply react according to cultural, family and media-influences based on they momentary perception of what is good for them.

Within that starting point humans tend to act based on self-interest - how they are interested on doing things what makes everything great but only for themselves.

A point what I integrate into my momentary decisions is that if I am able to question myself before my action then I ask myself: 'What is best for all?'

By that question I am able to locate myself who I really am - who I am within this current existence.
Because by compromising what is best for all - in fact I am compromising myself.

This is the question of Self-honesty. Am I able to see within myself that my intentions are based on the principle of what is best for all?
Because firstly to realize what is best for all - is to release preconceptions about what is good for me - and by realizing how I became who I am - and why I became who I became - I will be able to start to learn myself. And by learning who I am - I realize - I can change myself.
If I do see this point within Common Sense - then I consider my current location. My current state and my current abilities and investigate what is the current state of the system - and what I can do for what is best for all.

By starting to explore Self here - I realized that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within delusions - self-definitions what are in fact not real, definitions, memories what I repeat to express physically based on fears, desires what are of my self-interest.

So by common sense - what is best for all - is that I do not trust to delusions.

The HERE within this equation is that I am here - my delusions I still accept - then I start working on this.
I start working to reveal, write, forgive and release and breath trough my delusions.

About delusions I must pronounce that thoughts, feelings, emotions are of delusions - if I act according to these - I am of delusions. Yes, I am aware of that these words have weight - and all of the humanity are currently existing by and as thoughts, feelings, emotions.

Where I live, people mostly have no intent to stop exist as expressed thoughts, feelings, emotions.

People are conscious about they are imperfect - yet everyone has personally developed excuse and justification about why they do not stand up to their Self-dishonesty as one as equal as Self Here.

Why I write about this? Because it is a great reflection point for me - that "Do I judge people because I do not trust them?" - if so - then why I am in fact projecting issues towards them - instead of acting and not accepting what is not best for all.

My location is that I have developed quite a manifested Mind what I am currently existing within and as.
To investigate my delusions - I must apply some precedences as starting point for instance Oneness and Equality.
As principle - I am always existing within and as Oneness and Equality. This is not a subject for argument.
I am always equal what I accept and allow - as I am one with and as who I am - and by this principle - I can start investigating myself as who I am within what I accept and allow here on earth.
This is where the Physical I enjoy - I express myself as physical - there were some time when I preferred not physical but in fact if I consider what is real, what is here - the physical what I align myself to and as.

So the trust issue is what one must directly face and redefine trust. By redefining trust I redefine the relationship with myself and my reality. I trust myself unconditionally.

Actions to do :

-I must not allow to borrow people because of their (or my backchat) manipulation by that 'I am good person'.
-I must not allow myself to compromise my standing by trusting within something what I did not clarify.
-I must not allow myself to work with the act of 'trust' based on hope.
-I must live by what I agreed upon with my partner, not only because of me or of her but as ourselves as principled living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within my thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within my delusions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within what is not real.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place worth and value through trust into people, things separated from me instead of realizing that I am here, I trust myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mix up hope and trust - instead of realizing that if I hope that my trust worth then my trust is not worthy.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I must build self trust by acts simply by speaking what I do and doing what I speak one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in friends unconditionally just because of the self-definition of 'friends trust each other' instead of realizing that by definition noone can be trusted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within scriptures and books instead of all ways trusting myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself here as breath as inner silence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust myself as past instead of realizing that the past is not real, only existing as a reflection within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting within something or somebody because of that I might get disappointed when the trust was not worthy.

I trust myself here. I trust myself as physical here. I am trust.

intensified physical

facing physical limitation

after 15 years I decided to play soccer, recently I noticed that I can take intense physical exercises and if I do it with presence, it's cool for my body.

When I was a kid, I was in the village's soccer team, I was back, protecting the goalie mostly because I was hanging around back there and when the opponent team's members were approaching, my duty was to be extremely fast and direct and take the ball or kick it away.

My colleagues had more stammina, there were 3x3 membered teams and round robin we played in 10 minutes.

In the 5th minute I felt like I am spitting my lungs and strong sting pain was in my calves and my ankle felt like weird and I had to realize that my body did not do this kind of things since long years - but I had to spend some minutes rushing like a demon and doing everything to be successful - it's ball-related.

So In the beginning I jumped into the situation with full blown, like a street-fight - rushing down the others and they are doing this weekly team-play and their technique was way more better so mostly I just noticed that I missed the ball and then I did push more my body and my speed and will - I did not play that bad - but physically I was exhausted after the 10 minutes - about in the 8th minute I had even some sort of need to vomit but I breathed through - not much thinking was common sensical - some thoughts I allowed but then it was obvious that HERE is my body, HERE I breathe, I must be aware of my body otherwise I am not able to direct myself...

In the second match - I had to realize that if I am not rushing - I am able to have an overview of the field, to see how the opponents are doing the tactic and I realized - I can not outrun them as I am already tired, so it was an interesting playout to wait with the physical energy burst until the last moment when it is the best to push - timing and rhythmic - but I realized - my calves and ankles is simply too tired to do what I want from them - and it was like I want to step in about 60 centimeters and then my feet did about just 30 - and many times I lost my balance and rolled over the floor with some lol - so much enjoy I experienced simply by physically playing around.

This is like my approach from the mind into physical - first time I jump in like a paratrooper and then I realize I do not have the parachute so first approach is a fall into the ground and then I am experiencing some sort of possession of wanting to do it best and pushing my limits until I fall.

Then after a while when I realize - this body can not take that much - then I pull back and then I am trying to figure out the situation based on assumptions and then re-approaching but at the direct physical confrontation - I re-forget and doing the same.

Also I noticed that many times I used my hands - mostly it was around my head - as I conditioned myself with aikido and wing tsun to directly push my hands into the face of others - ok I was not hitting but simply 'wanting to not use my hands' - did not stop my hands lol.

And there was a time when I was watching the others and I became a bit more 'calm' when I saw the others are also getting tired - but about at the 4th-5th round - I was almost unable to outrun and catch the ball - and my ankle that time started to simply do not hold me really and I was like waving and falling and then I realized - again - breath, hold, timing, push.

I wanted to play soccer only once - just for fun with the colleagues, but if I write specifically - many of my 'programmed strategies within the physical - related to the mind' - can be walked.

In the long term - I will switch this to wing chun but for now I will consider to do soccer again.

The sexual drive within me - by these 'sporty' occasions - is really reducing - it's not a need anymore.

Also the backchats are extremely reducing meanwhile the physical application, simply there is no time as the mind consumes so much moments and meanwhile the HERE changes and if I am still within my head - then I am screwed and always after the events, not being able to become one and equal with and as the event as myself as self-direction.

My biggest ?-mark here is that I told to my partner that I am leaving the country and she does not like it - at the beginning I told her that I will leave her and the country in summer - and she is okay with this but about once in a week she bursts out some semi-sane shit about she feels like being used and as like a bitch and then it was almost over because of this - I experienced this: 'felt like before' as we argued MUCH in Cambodia about 4 years ago and it started to re-manifest and then I was like 'breath through, breath through' then I realized breathing is not enough, this is me, I must act otherwise I am stopped and waiting for reality within some sort of energetic state of hope what is unacceptable as I already faced this a thousand time and the matrix is like a casino - once it makes me lucky and then it makes me loose everything, so I do not trust in the matrix, I trust myself or if a situation proved that I missed - then it's like within this I can not trust myself so I must use tools to support and stabilize myself to push myself through this self-doubt, because HERE is no way but push self as self without any con, no purpose, no reason, but this is who I am, I am here.

The consequences of this soccer are some coughing and neck-strain and probably tomorrow some muscle-tension and ankle-ambigousness.

I experienced some moments very direct-like physical experiences, that was what made this need for vomit for about a minute - some systems I experienced a bit more directly than as usual - I must be able to stabilize myself and stand within and as the physical consequences of my 'decisions' from the beginning and the pain I must not step back when it is here - I embrace pain, I embrace the physical as myself as breathing as self-movement.

There were moments when my ankle was like it requires medical attention and after about a minute it was OK again, but I must be aware of every step even within intensified physical applications because I already faced this ankle-point many times and I was steeping literally for months.

slight movement procrastinated

I am experiencing this slight movement inside what requires to be expressed. Often this I procrastinate. Then it is not the same already but of and as systems. If I express it, still of systems, but if I 'wait' - is of and as more systems. And if I judge my expression of my systems - or referred as my systematic expressions - then my judgment will be based on 'my systems' who I have accepted and allowed myself to become.
Defining systems, labeling systems, based on belief-systems for instance. No judgment but to be expressed it as self one and equal and see it within common sense. SRA is for develop common sense - through identifying systems programmed with words within and as my expressions and when the absolute specificity and direct insight as self intimacy - to be able to apply self forgiveness as the point as self as one as equal to assist and support myself within changing, within stopping the point as manifested self-dishonesty. No time for judgment. The Moment As Self Is Here. If I am experiencing through the mind - I am always one step behind the mind - I can be only all what is the mind, and the direct experience, the immediacy is gone.
I must act immediately.
I must act immediately.
I must act immediately.
I must act immediately.
I am breathing immediately.
I am here immediately.
I am acting immediately.
I am letting go of mind.
I am here as breath as physical act.
I am breath here as physical.
I am not of energy.
I am not energy.
I am not required energy to express.
I am breath as constancy as consistency as I am Here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on energy.
I forgive myself that I have not ever realized that I am not here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am not here.
I forgive myself that I have not ever considered that all what I am is Here.

About acid trips in general

The 'believer' word is quite hit with the acid, many stories and people I could attach as a prove to these two words: acid & believe.
---
I experienced the inability to define what fascinated me yet it was really strange I questioned myself totally - and also those white light experiences and huge energyspirals made me wonder about what is going on...
After 40, I stopped counting, but over time something is changed, from a particular one in the beginning of 2006 maybe.
The physical perception also was like an operation-room - sterile, unhuman and somehow grey-like -as I imagined the 'official' heaven - I mean I still had these fancy wavy visuals with rainbows and flower of life patterns and all this shit when I intended to, but inside I was like a supermachine...a very clever, old, wise, confortable yet not doing anything omnipresent mainframe what is far far away from the physical. I mean all is one, all is virtual, all is me, all is just starts and ends, so fucking what?

Sometimes I wondered about, WTF to do now? Since I read some about buddha - I always was like that on acid - the guy who knows it all yet does not anything just like this 'all embracing compassion' what is a good-old lightworker excuse -- "I say the mantra and all being will be fine", so I wont have to make my hands dirty...I was also like going into a cave or being a traveller yogistyle, but I like to play with electric instruments, so I didnt...

Probably because the practical solutions I did not explored - just like a computer does the math stuff for a while and said at the end: 42.

-42?
-Of course, you fool, take these acid blotters if you do not believe it, see for yourself!

So I did it, I gave people acid and did trip together and tried many situations, it was like a horse what if I did set up properly, it could kick me so strongly that I could not define inside so everything started to melt down or explode...
And I did not realized that I was obsessed with the 'stopping the mind for a moment regularly' instead of finding solutions to being able stop the participation within and as it constantly. I mean I did not find any method what really helped - only self forgiveness I found practical...

In fact many self-expression I explored on acid but the counterpart was that I warped all these with my definitions after the trips, so I realized the fact, that I am patching and upgrading my mind to simply perceive what I want - perfectly, flawlessly - and never worked. Because I am the patcher, the pached and the patching as one as equal, so common sense that the sword cant cut itself, but there will be another sword what can..
So then I stopped. Even in the last trips, I felt extremely tired myself with all of these carry / I was really like a carrier what is ready to sink from all these planes on his back/
Much I've programmed myself trough acid, many situations I've burned into myself, hmm like many transcendence points I built in a hack to not transcend, but somehow perceive it as transcended or use excuse with the deception of ascension until everything just fell so I hit the bottom and in one moment I had to release all...

Yet these prepared me somehow that only the living self-honesty I can trust, no matter what...