About acid trips in general

The 'believer' word is quite hit with the acid, many stories and people I could attach as a prove to these two words: acid & believe.
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I experienced the inability to define what fascinated me yet it was really strange I questioned myself totally - and also those white light experiences and huge energyspirals made me wonder about what is going on...
After 40, I stopped counting, but over time something is changed, from a particular one in the beginning of 2006 maybe.
The physical perception also was like an operation-room - sterile, unhuman and somehow grey-like -as I imagined the 'official' heaven - I mean I still had these fancy wavy visuals with rainbows and flower of life patterns and all this shit when I intended to, but inside I was like a supermachine...a very clever, old, wise, confortable yet not doing anything omnipresent mainframe what is far far away from the physical. I mean all is one, all is virtual, all is me, all is just starts and ends, so fucking what?

Sometimes I wondered about, WTF to do now? Since I read some about buddha - I always was like that on acid - the guy who knows it all yet does not anything just like this 'all embracing compassion' what is a good-old lightworker excuse -- "I say the mantra and all being will be fine", so I wont have to make my hands dirty...I was also like going into a cave or being a traveller yogistyle, but I like to play with electric instruments, so I didnt...

Probably because the practical solutions I did not explored - just like a computer does the math stuff for a while and said at the end: 42.

-42?
-Of course, you fool, take these acid blotters if you do not believe it, see for yourself!

So I did it, I gave people acid and did trip together and tried many situations, it was like a horse what if I did set up properly, it could kick me so strongly that I could not define inside so everything started to melt down or explode...
And I did not realized that I was obsessed with the 'stopping the mind for a moment regularly' instead of finding solutions to being able stop the participation within and as it constantly. I mean I did not find any method what really helped - only self forgiveness I found practical...

In fact many self-expression I explored on acid but the counterpart was that I warped all these with my definitions after the trips, so I realized the fact, that I am patching and upgrading my mind to simply perceive what I want - perfectly, flawlessly - and never worked. Because I am the patcher, the pached and the patching as one as equal, so common sense that the sword cant cut itself, but there will be another sword what can..
So then I stopped. Even in the last trips, I felt extremely tired myself with all of these carry / I was really like a carrier what is ready to sink from all these planes on his back/
Much I've programmed myself trough acid, many situations I've burned into myself, hmm like many transcendence points I built in a hack to not transcend, but somehow perceive it as transcended or use excuse with the deception of ascension until everything just fell so I hit the bottom and in one moment I had to release all...

Yet these prepared me somehow that only the living self-honesty I can trust, no matter what...