because many times I can be here and directive and kind of playful innocent expression without any concern or fear about anything and then I am just here and expressing who I am - and if I push myself - I can be - the points are revealing me for me when I do not push myself - about how and why define myself to and as hesitation trough some sort of self-definition...So the tooth...
So It came back several times and this toothpain came back over and over again - and somehow it had some kind of relation with desires and when I allowed myself to desire (the sexual was the most strong desire) then as I supressed these - after a while this jaw-hardship manifested somehow - and toothpain came back - it was here since maybe a year - I used it as an energetic tester about if I am of energy and I all-low then this pain can come up...whatever this pain about ten days ago remained here and I had quite intense moments and for hours I just had this pain and nothing else I did...
Even I went to pharmacy to buy some kind of painkiller but I did not take it - I did not take medicine since I've managed to kill the amoebas within my belly with some pills about two years ago...and the pain reduced... but I've decided to go to dentist - because already the condition of my teeth became quite damaged, so if I want to visit SA in a day - would be better to solve this where I can do it more easily...
I found practicing dentist university where the 'old' students are doing these stuffs, and it is for free, so I did it - and last week there was the check - and I went and it was fun - but the truth just I've faced - the broken one is like an open wound in my mouth - has to be taken out - and one wisdom teeth has a hole and also one more maybe needs to be taken out and 4-5 more has hole what has to be fixed...
Hmm so I got a date - for may 21 - today...
So today I went and there were these young girls who were kind and nice I got syringed painkiller 3 times and even I had this 'whitening out' experience for a minute but after I was told to just lie in the dentist chair and put my hands in the air and some fist-finger opens and closes brought me back soon, so they just started - the particle what was outside - came down soon but then they had to rip to two parts the two big roots and then with the excavator and the machine what makes the noise worked they very hard for a while and finally they could take out one by one the big roots...
It was quite intense, but at the same time was cool - and realized how I defined myself as this will happen and just manifested...I always had these dreams about tooths and also within the movie of 12 monkeys - they said there are the tracers from scientists - and also of course from the Structural Resonance - about the preprogrammed code...
It was a kind of release - this wont make problems anymore! Even my mouth has this wounded inside feeling for months and I was wondered about is this can be felt when I was kissing? lol
So after all here I am with pain and a huge hole in my mouth - and in fact this tooth was not the one what made the pain recently - but it is done...Strange...grandma has no tooth anymore and she is still alive and interesting she changed some became more loose and stopped drinking, anyway will see...
Again I had to realize that when I am within severe pain - I do not hesitate - I do what I do, because anyway it is not about pleasure, more likely a facing with the accepted consequences...
Was fascinating how breathing as breathing trough these experiences just stabilizes the presence and stops inner movements - but in fact I am breathing and I am stopping the inner movements - or: as I am breath - I am not participating within the mind...
The next one will be this wisdom teeth, one week later it will be out and will see - in fact I always mystified these wisdom teeth and just because these came out without even noticing them(4 of 'em) about 17-18 years old - I felt like 'I got my wisdom very early' - but maybe this pulling out will be the end of my wisdom. What is cool..
Because I do not need wisdom, because that is of separation as knowledge and information and anyway if I believe this tooth as wisdom really, then I am really a fool...
Many stuffs happened, I write one more:
Today at the office house in the stairhouse there was a film-recording session, quite a professional one - there were about 20 people and with these huge lights, dollys cameras and all what needs for professional filmshots - kind of advertisement film they were recording and when in the morning I walked down to go to dentist - the people were like there as the machines in the factory - they did what they are ment to do - but it was like they were not really here...was strange - it was like muppets...I dont know...and before I heard one man giving orders and I was like maybe this is the director and his sound was strong and very directive, not a kind one - but it was unpersonal - he was directing to be able to take the shots what he wanted...
And as I walked by from upstairs and then go downwards - noone looked at me, and I sad this man and he was very young and not even too big and he was the only one who looked at me and was strange, it was like 'he was here' - I mean this is like when I am here, I am directing what is here, so he was this here anyway somehow from a certain view - and this was kind of cool moment...
This director what I desired for years - to be director - to be director for a movie, to be able to direct not only myself but a whole team in order to make the film what I want - so it was fascinating...
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