Friday, May 29, 2009

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that I am what I express.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny what is here as the physical and space and time.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as who I am here but always desiring and hoping instead of simply stopping and expressing myself as self-trust as moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after escape.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I let myself to be aroused - I am escaping from what is here as myself as who I accepted myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that sex and desire and arousedness are the excuses and the attention divertions from what I expreience inside of myself and these are the programmed reactions to not need to explore who I became within and as the mind consciousness system and take self responsibility and stop.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I have already created - there is no escape - it is here as me as one as equal - and if I do not stand within oneness and equality - my creation will determine and control and direct me - instead of directing myself as the creation as life as all as one as equal considering all life within each moment breath by breath.

So this brings up three points what I allow to contain as excuses: making music, making video and interest after girls. Lets examine these for a moment within self honesty and self intimacy - without any restriction or shame - as I am sitting here naturally, I write it down as who I am at this moment...

Music: I can see that I've managed a kind of obsession about musical instruments, yet I am not really producing music - I use my work as a tool to be able to buy these instruments, but in fact I have not really time for making music - in the evenings I have around one or two hours and I am just flowing away mostly, like tuneing the synth around the sounds or practicing piano songs or tweaking the computer-virtual synths-sequencers in order to prepare or learn or explore the stuffs for being able to make music.
This expression is just still here, and as I gave up many things, this somehow returned, so I allowed to still participate - kind of giving opportunity to see what is this within myself - is this who I am really?
This question is really worthless, as I am already aware how much I can enjoy making music...But how and why I enjoy what music?
These are related to pepole or just myself?
The listening to music came by psychedelics - but without them I still enjoy - I am hearing much broader the music than before - and I am very fascinated about how music is builds up - how is being expressed and how is being shared...
The basic idea some years ago was to test myself musically - kind of self-pushing provement - but was compromised already because by this starting point I am not really just expression...so let it go

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to prove to myself anything - instead of trusting me here and expressing myself as inner silence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define music separatedly from me instead of releasing the definitions and just exploring what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed about musical instruments instead of directing myself within and as common sense without loosing my head by defining joy by musical instruments instead of just being here as breath.

So my plan was until june I would have all instruments what I would need to make my music - yet I am not owning the stuffs what are necessary for what I want - so more discipline and more self-direction is required and I trust myself...
I have enough experience and knowledge about the instruments, the tech stuffs, only the point what I procrastinated so long is still required to be explored - the practical songbuilding and not giving up what I want to make but find ways and make that what exactly I am aware how it would be that what I want to manifest as music...
Because mostly I have ideas and if I start to make a music - the good stuff just comes from me but I never explored how to put the tracks together and how to make those sounds what I want into my music...
So this is fascinating - if I direct this as me as one as equal - then no time compromise will disturb me - just for instance I come to home and within a hour I make the music and then stop it until I continue...
Because before my way to make music was like being alone for a while and smoking a lot and all day doing and then having something cool to work with and then tweaking it and then some days later just saying - for now it is good enough but in fact that was not as good as I could do with more discipline and will...
Because I always allowed myself to compare with the "great ones" whose music I like and gave the inspiration or dimensions about what kind of music I would like to make...
In fact this sounds quite nasty, but for a start is cool - but for starting point - not really--- instead of just trusting myself about whatever I make, this is who I am and then stepping forward and making another and enjoying and disciplining myself to make what I want and that's it...
So this is it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare to others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare to others to be able to define myself as worthy, as cool, as good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being good enough within the eye of others - what is the eye of other's consciousness - as the eye of their mind systems - and basically by this act - I accepted myself as system and relating myself to an other system to get the support to remain as system - this is unacceptable, so I practically stop define myself according to others and I stop define myself according to what I should do in order to make other's reaction/response to what I want because of my accepted dishonesty. Whuh.
Strange long sentence but made clear - I stop define myself - I stop define others and I stop define myself related to others and I stop define others related to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put worth and value into music separatedly from me, instead of being one and equal with and as music and direct myself as breath as expression and explore what is here...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to music.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my definitions to music.

I found some old halfly-made track in my archives and they sounded like shit but the ideas are great - I will remake those in great quality and then I will see...

About music thats all for now, I jump on to video...

I allowed myself to desire to be director - to make film - movie...why?
Because within a movie I could express myself quite precisely - with moving pictures and sounds and words and music - becase so much I want to share - why? Interesting... for a while I had this feeling about to share my realizations, to share my point of view, to share my common sense and the fact that the self-realization is practically possible for every single one human and I am sure that I could script up screenplays to direct situations within movies what could assist and support me and also the beings who would see it...
Yet I have to be sure that not the unlived desires I want to see in film because then I could say, it is almost lived, more likely it is lived - because this would mean that I want to have such experiences what I can not within my 3d live, so I make it on screen...
This intense suppression I had so long, I want to explode, I want to express myself so strongly but if I fear or judge myself - excuses and divertions come up and I still suppress..
I started to make several screenplays - but recently as my computer cracked - many just lost - but within myself those I still am aware...
Recently I started a new one - kind of mix with Chulhu myth and drug experiences related to the human mind's directive principle as fear and dishonesty...
This would be cool to make on camera - yet I am aware that I do not have the ability to make it myself - but first I make this 'flawless' screenplay and then I will see...
Also the puppies music clip what I make since months - it is already almost done but I am not totally satisfied, so I will change it - yet after effects sometimes hecks me, so I push myself trough this project...
But in fact I made this project like I am - one big composition and doing it from begining and it is getting too much and then it is almost un-handle-able and then my like reduces until I simply do not continue it...
So this has to be finished and be shared soon...For being able to move on...

Third part is girls - is this pure sexual desire? Is this only for having a 'legitimated' orgasm? First I was like: yes - but in fact not...
Also it is related to addiction to arousedness, kind of porn within myself and if I am not aware, or not directing myself - I can still participate within it - so it is not transcended yet - probably I suppressed it...
This growed inside of me so vastly and then I could not have physical experience with girl - because of the accepted and allowed excuses - like: I do not need relationship because it sucks - or I said that I do not want to fall again after a relationship...

Because in the several last 'relationships' - even when they were about some days - I was fucked - because of dishonesty - because of compounded definitions I was related to about the girls - kind of role I was within - just like on the stage - as an actor I wanted to be able to define myself as this actor...

Because I was looking after a girl who could be like me - who could piece out me - because I could not unify me myself and I let myself being influenced from this world about with that assistance maybe I could fullfill myself.
This fullfillment was related to self-realization, self-freedom, self-unification...

But none of my previous 'relationships' where based on equal and one - I always had those desires and starting points by definitions and the girls had their as well - and somehow these 'requirements' met and we were like contractors to each other and our interest was to get what we wanted -- and even with daring orselves to manipulate the other in order to direct... like 'make her attention onto me, or make her perceive me as cool' etc...

I can say there were four girls who I had physical relationship...
First one was total mind-possessed-obsessed deception as it was the 'true and one and huge love' by book - my starting point simply became her and I lost myself totally and gave up on myself -- and when it was unreachable (the experience of the relationship) - I fell, I collapsed, all values I lost and I allowed others to influence me within the hope that something will happen to me what would help or heal or raise me...
Then the second relationship - the girl who I was with was more fucked and younger and she fell in love into me - I had to realize that this is quite unbalanced and quite 'blind' - she loved me so much and she was blind - she was virgin and I enjoyed the experience of 'being loved' and having sex... But after a while I was like unmotivated and I was kind of fool and abusive and selfish with her so I said it is over...
After my first love came back and she told me that she could not find 'better' than me so she loves me -- but this girl I've perceived as she trampled me and made my heart bleed and all my desires and hopes was to 'get her' and after a year she just came and said 'I love you' - I was instantly fucked - but then I was in love - still blindly yet not cloudless as before - because I burned myself so much with her before that I programmed myself to remain closed somehow...

After some years the same happened than with the other - my love was depleted and I wanted different and I even did not desired her - and I saw that within sex we were all right but anyway we always argued...
So we split and then I pushed drugs quite hard and I was always 'high' - for years I did not have anybody near me - sometimes I masturbated but as I remember - I was not really obsessed - I always took the acid hit and it was like 5hours orgasm - after then I was kind of empty...So I remained dishonest about the sexual and desire energy for years...

After then the third girl who I was with - it was like I had not these emotional threads to her -yet my mind was quite inteisified with her - and one day I realized that she had suppressed desires as well and we accidently started to arouse each other and then this relationship occured - somehow she liked me much, but I liked her as a friend - and as a sexual partner only - but my addiction came up quite soon so I had sex with her quite often and we were together - and I did not take the responsibility about saying 'I like her' - I was kind of gypsy: I am just enjoying her but nothing serious - and when I said it to her - she replied the same but after a while I realized that she means different and I showed her intense mirrors about her mind and then she just replied and I was fucked because I could not handle my dishonesties in that time and then I just said 'well, it's enough' and she wanted more but I did not...and then she fell, she was in a quite shit mood, and was bruised... After all I could not bear the fact that I liked the sex so much with her because she was so opened and enjoying and somehow I felt like I was not able to give to her what she wants - or what I felt she deserved...
So I felt like I am a fucker, not a lover... So I quit and then for a while I was not with anybody, only with drugs...then I was with a girl who I liked quite much but somehow she had some strange behaviours but she had a picture about her sister and slowly bus surely built up an inner totem within myself about that girl and when I met with her - I was instantly obsessed about her...
And I had almost a year until I could speak to her and we were together in asia - but she was dishonest as she wanted a 'full blown relationship' and I wanted something different - I wanted a relationship what was about to 'support each other to become self-realized' - and she showed a face what became proven about it was just the surface...
One day we not just kissed but had sex - I talk about girl bodies also now because it determined me...
the first girl had thin body with small tits and kind of cute pussy - somehow she becaue the standard of my most intense desires as her first impression was quite intense...I loved her smell, somehow made me high...
The second girl had much bigger body, her tits I enjoyed as they were quite big, but in fact my favourite was always the pussy somehow and her pussy I could not enjoy totally as the smell I disliked so much! And that sealed the whole sex between us...and I was coward to tell her the truth, so for 8 months we were together...
The third girl had very sporter body, very typical woman-like, her body I defined as almost perfect - even the smell of it I liked - somehow her mouth-smell I did not liked much but after all it was ok...
The fourth girl who I was with only once for sex - she had strange body, quite strong bones and somehow her body was not my interest really but when I touched her pussy, somehow it mesmerized me totally - her pussy excited me so much - it was fluffy and chuffy and it was literally like a perfect trap for me - but after that sex some hours later I quited and said never more to that girl and she was extremely pissed off for months...
There were some more girls who I had some kind of sex - but these three were mostly who with I defined myself and my sexual attention...
Of course I watched many sexmovies before and watched many girls around me and there were some 'cases' what made me excited about sex but in fact I always said that the face and the eye and her expression is the most important...

I wrote several times about my previous relationships but never about the physical and sexual side - and there is nothing to shame - there is nothing to be shy - but the question is that am I still desiring them for sex or not? And if yet, then why?

So they are like first, second, third, fourth -
the third one is a serious one as she was the first, and big emotions I had with - and also the longest time together -- sometimes we meet, sometimes we even sleep in an afternoon(with her kid) and I test myself about am I desiring her body?
Last time it was like one moment I was about but mostly not...
I asked her once about would you like and she said, well not really, she does not want to plan this, if it occurs, then it is ok, but at that moment she did not wanted, and then I realized the mindfuck within myself about this - so I stopped to meet her for this...anyway we rarely meet and is cool to see that I trust me and do not urge anything and also not suppressing it either, so some kind of flowing - and not allowing me to drive me according to desires - about that I simply do not participate and also I do not even desire her - but if yes - then I should be aware of that I am currently facing with my past and if I participate - suppress, fight, follow - then it remains here separatedly from me, driven by events indirectly from me - instead of unifying all here and me directing me and remain self-moment-expression...

Huh -- the second girl I did not see her since years, and probably I wont - or if yes - I will be able to correct my expression and forgive myself immediately related to the situation...
the third girl I am within a loose contact - yet we did not talked since long months - she had 2 babies and quite changed - almost never I desire her - if yes - I am quite fucked inside so better to forgive immediately that as well...
In fact I was planning to ask her to help me to make film - as she has a cool character and she has ability to direct situations if she wants - what could be quite useful -- but as she is quite busy with tiny children at this moment and I am not within the situation about having money-equipment or team to make movies - this tread still sleeps...Then I will be faced - so it is not here physically yet I am sure there would be some unfolded threads...
The fourth girl I did not really see since two years, in fact she lives quite close, sometimes writes email, she has a baby and she changed quite much - yet I have this impression about inside she did not change much - and I was like 'I do not want to say to her about 'this is bullshit, and explaining how and why deception is the spiritual path what she 'follows''...
I am sure that we will meet once again so then I will act immediately. Like to tell the truth and self honesty and how and why I was fucked about her and how I see how she was fucked and things like that...

Well this brought much up what requires to express as self-forgiveness...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself related to relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire relationship to be able to define myself as somebody who is in a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I want a relationship because I already have a relationship within my mind with the definition of 'relationship' and then I want it to be manifested to be able to physically experience because otherwise I am somehow aware that it is not real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from that what I perceive as myself is not real - instead of pushing myself to experience directly what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define girls according to their bodies, their erotic zones.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pussy as beautiful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pussy as joy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to see pussy, because then if I see the subject of joy, I could be the part of that joy what I miss within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to touch, kiss, fuck pussy because then I would not have the perceptional separation from it, because I could physically experience it, 'have it' and by that I could have the direct relational experience as joy - as I am having joy as pussy...

Hmm Why pussy? Because pussy made me almost forget anything what I 'contained' before, as somehow made me extremely aroused, like nonsense...
Even in these days - when I see for instance a girl who has very few clothes - if I allow - after some moments I can be very aroused - and it is really funny but in fact many many man does the same - I am sure that this is typical shit and now I am debugging this back to it's source and I let it go by self-forgiveness...

So within the whole sexual programming - the pussy is the ultimate goal, place and thing what is being distributed as the best thing within existence. I believed it - I defined pussy as the place of joy since from very early - I learnt from bigger guys and from sex movies...
I wanted to have these experiences with girls and with their pussies but in that time I was so inhibited, I had so much shame and I had no the abiilty to talk clearly - so I judged myself as unable to have experiences such as girls, sex in real - so I masturbated. I did it quite much when I was a kid and it was strange - and there was a guy who called me 'hockey' at school and that is just a slang word for masturbation... I was like quite embarrased yet in fact he had right...
So after some years I was around 17-18 when girls were interested about me but I even did not realized and when they just gone, I realized the fact that I missed opportunities to try the whole sex stuff - in fact I was quite busy with masturbation and I accepted myself as it - so kind of I gave it up and somehow I was addicted to masturbation...
After that in the university I met with my first love and I was so high that I even did not think about fuck with her, it was enough when she touched me there and I was instantly gone... After some tries she realized that I had no experiences and I could not please her, so that was finished...
Then with my second girlfriend, I got these experiences - however I did not liked her pussy - yet I was overwhelmingly excited because I could have all things what I desired for - I could lick pussy and I had sex in various places and it was quite cool, yet I felt myself not really 'clean' about the experiences - somehow I felt like dirty - not because of the sex itself, but because I had no deep emotions to the girl, just she wanted also and the fuckup was that she had these intense emotions toward me so she was 'in love'...
But we met once in two weeks for two days and then mostly we were busy with sex and kissing so it was not a big problem for months - after all I was kind of bastard, because in a morning we had sex in the college room and then I said to her that I do not love her, so I want to finish this - and she cried for some hours continually, I wanted to undo what I said and did but then there was not way back so I had to stand - I felt myself as a real asshole but somehow I had to get it over because this relationship was like chains - I defined her according to her body and she was bigger than me - not taller just bigger...And her smell made me crazy and I did not ter hell that her body has a smell what I do not like much - I did not wanted to make her pain so I swallowed these words always...

But it was quite cool in the begining that I could explore real sex with real girl - in fact my relationship-base stabilized as continous participation within sexual desires towards a girl -- as sex. So I've defined relationship as sex and intimacy and that was the starting point of being with someone - even when some more cool things came from it...

This is also requires to correct within physical application -

I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as joy - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define joy separatedly from me and then going after girls to find this joy within the sexual experiences with them -- instead of realizing that I am here and I separate myself from the joy of me by desires and definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relationship as sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to orgasm.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am not addicted to sex and sexual arousement when I still have the urge to have sex or if I cant then masturbate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my need to have sex and hoping that I can push it down until it is necessary - not realizing that by this it will compound within me and will direct me for release.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to apply self forgiveness unconditionally when I have the desire for sex - and breathing and directing myself to stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up sexual system within me by reacing to specific sounds and pictures and bodies by getting aroused and then wanting to have a release...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as release.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to see porn after a long period of sexual suppression - to justify my arising arousement until the point when I just have the release by the compounded energies -- and then feeling kind of depleted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to compounded emotional energies such as sexual desires and participation within pictures what are programmed to arouse me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have programmed myself to be aroused to specific words and pictures to be aroused automatically and then determining my expression systematically such as wanting to suppress and then wanting to release - instead of not participating within energies and thoughts, not compounding and then nothing to release just I am here and expressing myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop participating within arousing pictures and definitions by just simply breathing and releaseing the pictures and deleting them from myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to compound sexual desires so much that I had to find something intense to release.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire groupsex because I allowed myself to define groupsex as compounded sexual expressions, sexual joy, probably release as well...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself by going physically after my desire by saying that 'I am not resisting, I face it' instead of simply sitting down and writing self forgiveness and changing and breathing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to design myself as 'I want to stop this, but for the last time I want to have the experience' - and not realizing that when I participate once more - it will be more strong next time.
!I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have sexual experiences when I am forgiving my sexual-based dishonesties.
It is like I dig out some shit and instead of releasing, I allow myself to be occupied once more, and then 'loosing myself' within the occupation and then at one moment when I am not having directing principle - simply digging it down again and suppressing and saying that - I have to stop but in fact I did not change - yet hoping that next time I wont desire after sex by design.

After almost two years of not having sex with girl - while I was suppressed sexual desires or I have masturbated - several times I pushed myself into the experience - and there were some dishonesties also what were holding the 'excuses and justifications' why I remained within suppression and release instead of 'being with someone'.

First was like 'I am afraid of the girl will be love to me and then because I cant response the same to her - it is already fucked up and will hurt the girl deliberatedly'

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was not honest with myself because to hide my dishonesties - I have projected them onto girls, related to past-based experiences when girls were crying about me and defining that they were kind of addicted to me - instead of realizing the fact that they were addicted to their own relationship and desires and definitions, it was kind of unpersonal - yet I felt like I am somebody, I am needed to someone, so I am worthy and important.

--
Well, for now this is it - gtg
Most important conclusion - breath and when arousement comes - dont participate

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