This belief that I need to equalize myself based on external conditions I am letting go through stopping to give permissions to react automatically in each moment.
I feel like I am exploding - it is some sort of depression - not as people refer to it as 'bad feeling, not wanting to do anything' but as strong, slow vibration what makes me busy to observe it all the time and wanting to understand, to end yet not doing what is common sense: STOP.
It is like a holding back - because it is getting too much but judging that I can not solve this self-holding-back by raging therefore just suppressing within a hope that this experience will go away and not considering that this is me.
Also it is tricky, because when I focus to it(by reason and starting point of 'interest') - as myself - it is volatile - it seems to be many different things - project-related difficulties, physical tiredness, health issues - and even it can occur that when I really corner a self-dishonesty within me - within directly facing it - as myself: I become equal as one and it starts to direct me as it is - and even my starting point is to completely stop this aspect of me - within facing, stopping, I react to it and within reaction I automatically activate myself as this part of personality and then I go with the self-defined character for a while and then when the energy of the 'initial' facing reactions as thoughts/feelings/emotions go away - I realize I've been fooled with myself - it is something like that, it is strange to write something like that but then it seems to be that schizophrenia as paranoia is part of the 'normal' human - but I am not sure I can perceive or 'define' myself as 'normal' anyway...
So the self-definitions I react to and that is energetically making me 'high' from which I shift personality and activate other reactions within self-definitions totally automatically - within my interest.
Suppressing that automatically reacting is okay however each time I really see within - I do I feel it as madness.
I always know what I do - it is deliberate - and mostly it is of this belief that 'one last time' - or 'soon hopefully I will be able to stop' and 'well, I do not know why I do this, but then I do it anyways and I will see, if I am not Self-honest, then I will be one time anyways, it is inevitable'. And this is foolishness to remain so.
The energies within come and go - high and low, polarity as positive and negative - within all sorts of cycles and loops - some are happening by seconds, some by days, months, probably some by years. But my Self-awareness, as Consistency and Presence is not CONSTANT to remember, to understand, to even realize this - therefore I am always this 'I of consciousness' in each moment - completely different yet the same person as human - but always different from within as energy - yet not realizing, seeing it.
It is like when I make time lapse video by taking photographs one in a minute for a day and then I make it as video, meaning 24 minutes is a second, 4 hours is a minute and a day is 6 minutes. And then I see that video and I see patterns what I could not discover without seeing it in a 'broader' time frame with different rhythm. That is Self-honesty within Presence - not going INTO the virtual reality of the mind - but remain here - and see the tendencies what I allow myself to 'be wanted to go into' the mind - and then I see that each day is the same - fear from loss, desire for satisfaction, sexuality, money, fame, power etc.
To see who I am regardless of time - because IN the time I am allowing myself to be equal as one with what I experience and what I react with and as. And then this is who I am and it is only what I require to see - everything else is coming and going. Apparently automatically.
This sexual desire for me is like that - I see it is coming, I accept it as 'something' yet I create it in the first place by reacting to bodies, sounds, pictures, experiences - accumulating and not realizing meanwhile - by not being present and when it is present as 'solid' - I notice it and then it already influences me. Fascinating.
Sexual desire is a bit tricky for me - it is same as the drug - I experience that I suppress it as 'need' and then from a point it 'wants' to be taken over - I mean I want to be taken over by what I suppress as myself, because myself here within direction I can not express this aspect of myself therefore wanting to build a system within what will do it for me.
But that is not who I really am but I build it anyway. At least to see is it really me?
Then when it takes over I observe - acting myself like a fool meanwhile feeling cold, distanced and then after a while the energetic charge is so strong, I just want to release and discharge and then promising myself: after this last release I will change.
But I say it only for to trick myself to justify the release again and then I will be tired and then off from 'energetic high'.
And doing things based on that means I will deliberately charge energetically within again in order to take direction and when I 'am energetic' - it is too late - too much automation I see and observe but not stopping it as the result of self-judgment I do not experience it directly as it is: myself, but as a thing I observe as needing to stop.
And then I stop - and then I fight, I force, and then I let it go and then I react and I judge and then I suppress.
Basic personality. I am stopping.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself that I require sexual expression, sexual arousal, sexual release to equalize myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am unable to direct myself and I react to this 'judgment' I am going into thought with I manifest feelings what with I form emotions to balance out/suppress down/justify and deliberately suppress by distraction/stimulation/obsession.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that allowing myself to react a state wherein I perceive myself as 'I am unable to direct myself' is a result of thoughts, feelings, emotions of self-judgment of fear what must be investigated within absolute specificity to understand the starting point and the practical application of how to PREVENT myself to accumulate pre-programming of myself through and as self-defined personality and character what takes over and direct me in the name of myself based on my interest meanwhile I am not able to be fully here, consider common sense, all others equally.
I forgive myself that I have never considered myself to realize that in the moment I give into the energetic reaction as automation - I diminish, I only go into a journey deliberately within hope to not end up the way as I do all the time - by realizing that it did not work to satisfy my and actually not daring to be self-honest that the only way to be satisfied is to always be self-honest and stop the inner reality of myself what with I superimpose who I've defined myself to be as outer as who I am as person/character in this physical existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from getting what I want and to showing, sharing what I really want by judging myself in the first place as of 'self-interest' what defining as 'bad' therefore acting the opposite meanwhile still hoping for fulfilling my interest without being judged by others and then by that: indirectly by and as myself as my origin, starting point of: self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have not considered myself as interest of myself and missing the meaning of the word of 'in the rest' and not considering others but my own interest.
I forgive myself that I have not been able to directly see when I am tired as mind consciousness and when I am tired as human physical body simply because being occupied within the mind as the mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions to tell me who am I and whenever the thoughts of mind says that I am tired - I actually am experiencing myself as tired..
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a tendency when I define myself as tired to close my eyes and trying to rest and after a couple seconds realizing that I am thinking about unrelated things from the subject and daydreaming without realizing it immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to give permission to automatically think when I do not focus to physical reality and not considering why and about what.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate thoughts/feelings/emotions into manifesting desires within me what drives me, what moves me, influences me, directs me and when I am realizing it I define myself as separated from it, I perceive as something nothing of me but something within me as not me and wanting to force myself to stop following it or allowing myself to automatically act according to it meanwhile not considering to stop and see what and why I am doing within what starting point.
I forgive myself that I have not considered to realize that desires I've manifested and stored and suppressed within and as me because I could not deal with accumulation of self-dishonesty of perceived separation of self-definition to avoid direct responsibility for fear of loss and manifesting as something I want or I want to avoid but not directly as myself here undefined as unified but as and of as flow of compartmentalized mind-states, conditioned energetic reaction experiences within self-automation.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within defining energy is what moves me, if I am not able to define energy, then nothing moves me and who I've defined myself to be as energy is not present, therefore I am defined as lack of energy and allowing myself to not move by this definition of lack as separation from myself based on the experience of energy, the judgment of lack of energy as who I perceive myself to be meanwhile it is irrelevant for and as the physical reality, for human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have not been self-honest with myself in terms of applying stopping within each moment when seeing I am moving by self-definition because not even realizing that I am moving based on self-definition.
I forgive myself that I have NOT assisted and supported myself to specify and be aware to the absolute degree that what 'feeling' is real as me here as physical as my beingness and what is a 'feeling' of personality of energetic mind of personality of self-definition of thoughts and using this 'not knowing' as excuse to not direct myself to remain here.
When and as I seek for sexual release I realize it is of self-definition of character as accumulation of thoughts/feelings/emotions therefore the need and urge will not stop being defined who I am and what I must do in order to manifest who I am from the starting point as the mind - but the PREVENTION to react thoughts, to allow myself to follow and react to thoughts and give permission to thoughts and reacting to those as valid and as who I am - accumulates into energies if I do not stop and remain not reacting within Self-direction: therefore I stop reacting with thoughts to things related to sex, sexuality.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to map out within and as me what I react to as sexually arousing and then becoming aware of how I've automated myself to react with energies what I define as myself and then compounding to actually requiring to let go and defining myself within the 'energy compounding' and 'energy releasing' and this cycle perceiving as who I am meanwhile in fact being aware of that this is 'not really me' yet not stopping.
When and as I am daydreaming by following thoughts while I am awake - I stop, I realize it will cause consequences what I have the tendency to use as excuse of 'energy over me' and I stop it before accumulates, I remain here undefined, I remain here as breath as active, directive presence even when I am not moving my body.
When and as I give into the temptation of sexual energy, desire to act - I stop, I breathe, I let it go and I am re-align as breath until it is not present and I am empty - and I realize this is only wasting time and I will timeloop to the same point again unless I stop and not stop by force of judging this happening as 'bad' but as Self-honesty to decompose and practically stop participate within the thoughts/feelings/emotions I've defined myself to be in relation to sex and sexuality.
I re-align myself with and as presence when I am closing my eyes I remain here, breathing, as body, as limbs, as my trunk, as my head, as my feet, as my hands, I am body as one body as here as present as physical as life.
I commit myself to stop desire for sex to be equalized in each breath and I am consistently re-align myself with the self-direction to see when I try to manifest desire by judgments of separation of fear and I allow myself to let it go - I direct myself to let it go as part of myself what I believed to be real but not anymore: I am here as physical, that is no desire, desire is not required but Self-direction with and as the Physical within Absolute Self-honesty in each moment equally.
I suggest to start writing daily because it is only ourselves who we can explore/realize/stop our own mind while we are gifted with days when we are able to allocate time for practical Self-realization - this is not something what we all humans have - mostly people are busy to survive, to stay alive - if you are in the situation that you can choose, I suggest taking the time to write within Self-honesty and Apply Self-forgiveness each day because our days are numbered and what remains here is the physical as manifested consequence of each act we do or each acceptance what for we do not do to stop.
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