Tuesday, July 2, 2013

[JTL 67] Stop the addiction to hope and feel good

It seems like I've lost my ID card.
Some guys say that it is a HUGE problem as people can abuse it/me because they just open a new dummy company or report false tax return in my name(my sister had this) and I will be prosecuted.

My initial reaction was 'I might lost it in my flat' so then after I've searched through the apartment I've concluded that I might really lost it'. So then today I will search the flat again before reporting.

But the initial goodwill was some sort of 'hope'.
Within my past by spiritual delusions and absolute trust within eastern mind tricks I've developed this belief that I can trust in the system, in the events, circumstances, people I face. Obviously not always but when I was not sure or I should have to question I did not really.
I see here this is a some sort of depression transformed into laziness mixed with a hope that everything will be eventually alright.
Because I am still here, I am still breathing, did not lose my hands, feet, I was never fired from any workplace, I did not really starve, my family was not bombed into shrapnel etc.

Mostly within my travel I've been exposed much abuse, child labor, child prostitution, exploitation and literal slavery however directly myself I've been lucky.
I've been lucky enough to live in a country wherein starving is not easy and having a job in an office means I will have food and medical care if I break my leg it will be cared by the system itself.
This is when I do not direct myself and I am not really here - then I hope, I procrastinate and I believe. Not directly, consciously, but when I see objectively, this is what I ACT - or by this I do not really act.
When I am aware of the inevitability of my end as death, when I can embrace the fact of the abuse is happening around me, a bit more far than I directly live and wherein humans are abused in a daily basis - I can DIRECT myself and do what is relevant, or at least what I see doing as relevant such as writing, sharing, preparing myself to be who I want to be in order to take responsibility within consistency.

So I opened up why I am in hope and how I believe in goodness meanwhile I am in fact produced by the environment what is not really caring about me but it is a balanced system wherein I see that by this system taxpayers are required and by the money I pay daily to the government a system is maintained what is not capable to act based on a principle of What is best for all.

So the first reaction comes up why I use the excuse and justification to hope, procrastinate, believe is fear from doing wrong, harming others and not being fully sure what I should do.
What if I decompose it with common sense it is obviously excuse because it is quite obvious what is required to be done: stabilize, share myself and participate within group activity what I do quite slowly - or at least I judge myself this way and then by this conflict I experience and when I am in conflict I do not really act but I go into a state of questioning and doubting and analyzing everything based on my believed past and theoretical future meanwhile disregarding what is directly here.

Second is that the universe likes me therefore makes me good, even if something apparently painful or bad seems to happen I am gifted and therefore everything will always be alright because I have no direct memory of brutal abuse around me therefore I do not have this need to change things around me.

These are serious ILLusions because my moments are tainted with these definitions by what I filter my decisions to act especially when I am in the state of reactions rather than Self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in a greater good which takes care of everything including me and not being constantly aware of the massive amount of abuse is taking place all around the world by acceptance and allowance people who are also mesmerized with an energetic reaction by hope, what is in fact fear from taking responsibility and actually making sure to PREVENT abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only have the interest of me, myself, only I here and as defining the fact that I do have food, shelter, medical care and entertainment, I am good, I am taken care of and I will be alright what I judge and by that I have an energetic reaction of feeling good what I never consider that it is a balancing out of fear of something bad can happen and I do not have direct power over my reality and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become programmed and brainwashed that there is a greater good and projecting this hope to 'universe' what is alright and from far fetched looking existence judging it as 'nothing is wrong' meanwhile not being self-honest with myself to be aware of that I do judge this for the energetic experience of balancing out the fear and powerlessness what I have in the first place because in fact I am in fear and powerless and not want to acknowledge, to expand because that is not who I've defined myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deluded and mesmerized by the energetic experience of hope because then directly having this energetic reaction by what I can feel good by judging possible future scenario and by what in fact I have excuse and justification to not ACT in each moment according to what is best for me and for all equally within the consideration of what is already here as programmed consciousness systems, abuse against all life and as myself as self-definition-based self-limitation by fear of loss as who I've defined myself to be and wanting to hide it with positive re-affirmation automatism.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the energetic trap of hope because it is the oblivion I escape into when I do not want to directly face my responsibility here and the fact that I do not have power over myself here and to change that and stop being powerless requires constant and consistent work and by defining that I fear I can not be entertained and stimulated by energetic reactions what I've defined as positive meanwhile not even be aware the fact that I've addicted myself to feel good, positive no matter what therefore even if it means to actually do nothing meanwhile feeling good is accepted I am not moving and having the excuse of not having power to change.

I forgive myself that I have not become aware the moment when I give into the temptation of feeling good and by that stopping directing myself because I've defined myself that if I feel good I do not have to do anything but experience this good until it lasts because it surely will not last therefore wanting to enjoy it to the last drop and already defining myself to be sure that after the feeling good is off/depleted/gone I will be motivated again to make sure I will actually feel good again and in fact not really doing more or beyond this as I've defined myself to be a happiness/entertainment/feeling good closed system without acknowledging that this is actually the opposite of LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to motivate myself with and as principle as all life in each moment of every breath by disregarding the energetic addiction of feeling good, fear from not feeling good again and defining my goal/destiny and responsibility for only making sure that this feeling good within self-interest is enough and all my power I can have because until today this is all what I experienced therefore this is who I am meanwhile the whole human system and living ecosystem is in destruction by this very acceptance of each human equally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I feel good I have the tendency to stop and want to have it more and stop and focus on the positive feeling because apparently it is limited and will go off and until that not being directive but reactive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel from not having good feelings again because the only way I've accepted myself to be is that for external stimulation I can feel good and by that internally I am able to have this energetic experience of positive what with I can heal my self-interest and rejuvenate my mind consciousness system that everything is alright until I focus on good and positive meanwhile in fact I am negative and my starting point is causing negative in the system meaning inequality, separation and accepting harm and abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged for addicted to feeling good and wanting to have to feel good from the most simplest things in order to not take away much from all others for my 'feeling good' addiction because I feel responsible and I want to minimize the harm I do yet not considering that if I feel good, I've programmed myself to be interested only about experiencing it until it lasts, mesmerized by the disregard of my fear for the moments I can lie to myself that 'now it is good' meanwhile it is not any better but by I react with self-judgment to specific experiences with I can stimulate myself to have this automatic apparently positive re-affirmation I am chemically bound to physically feel dazed, stupor, drugged what I've defined as myself and who I was and who I must be, how I must be and that I deserve.

I re-search now the flat again and if I do not my find my ID, I will go into the office to report and ask for an other, no 'hope'!

I commit myself to become aware the addiction and the event of feeling good and happy and how I am stopping myself expressing myself as DIRECTION and degrading myself into REACTION only meanwhile disregarding everything else but my self-interest and then I motivate myself with and as Principle of who I am is LIFE as expression of What is best for me is what is best for all.

When and as I feel good I stop and I realize the starting point of this is feeling not good and want to overcome, mesmerize myself to not investigate my starting point but want to balance out, stimulate myself to have this chemically dazed experience what I've programmed my body, my mind to react with positive affirmation - and in this moment of realization I breathe and I let go the judgment and reaction of 'defining it good' and I focus to what is here and I realize my responsibility is always here and the experience of 'good' will not last.

When and as I hope that everything will be alright or I will not be abused I stop the fear from needing to do something meanwhile I've defined doing something and directing myself means I can not have this energetic good feeling therefore directing myself is not 'good' enough but required to 'have the good feeling' so it must be done but only for this 'feeling good' meanwhile not realizing that I disregard my starting point of fear from not having good experience and hope for having more good meanwhile all I do is chemically stimulate my body to be dazed for my self-interest therefore in this moment I stop and I let go and walk through the addiction for this physically programmed stimulation of daze breath by breath.

to be continued...

No comments: