[JTL 69] Self-forgiveness: workplace part 1
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel exhausted after workday and defining myself as working with my boss slowly but surely by having a concept of what is slow and what is fast work and comparing who I've defined myself to be and what I am doing and feeling the opposite and by comparison having friction of doing it and by that feeling that it is not my rhytm and then then thinking that I am wasting my effectiveness meanwhile the only thing happens is that by definition I react to it and then I feel exhausted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself becoming tired because of continuously working slowly but surely and defining it problem as I've defined who I am as quick bursts and when I am not doing so defining it as trying, exhausting and then experiencing so meanwhile having conflict within feeling overwhelmed by the need to have a break.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that feeling exhausted from the slow monotonity is because I am defining myself according to what I do therefore I've defined myself to do different things from time to time and wanting to be defined by intensity therefore when not being able to use the intensity as experience to define me I feel myself as not being myself who I must be based on self-definition and conflict within and frustration and need to run away arises what with I am accepting, reacting without any question.
I forgive myself that I have never realized that because of wanting to do things quickly, have and need results immediately, when it is not happening I feel myself wasting time and when experiencing self-blame and self-anger because apparently not progressing, I experience conflict, fear from remaining so, fear from not progressing, fear from stuck because I defined myself based on how I measure progress by definition, therefore conflict arise within what I accept, by what I define myself and then I feel exhausted, tired.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself doing fast, quick bursts and that is who I am and not realizing that it is because it is my interest what if I do not experience 'having' - I define myself not myself what is conflict by what I feel tired, exhausted, not having the energy of 'myself'.
i forgive myself that I think about people at workplace as defining it 'wondering' that they do not want to wake up and see, realize, understand why they do what they do and I then want to push them verbally by saying harsh words to them to question and screw them within their mind by saying things what with they would start to react with questioning and not realizing that at moments I stop expressing myself and experiencing not moving and defining it as not who I am I do not question why and how and use common sense to stop but I fear from remaining so and wanting to project it to others and within pushing others I would want to 'realign' myself with pushing but completely missing myself here by projecting it to others and then thinking that within company contract I've signed to not oppose others religious/political view then I feel helpless with what I accumulate frustration what I hide with smiling and define this as a zoo and a small representation of whole humanity and trying to 'remain myself within' as myself undefined and not realizing that by default I've judged, projected it, suppressed it and judged that with excuse and by that I experience anger towards myself what I suppress until it is not compounded and then I shift personality to become nervous and then I am not sure why because I did this whole thing basically automatically who I've defined myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel limited and wasting when I realize that I am at the same workplace since 5 years and I want to have more than currently and hoped that until now I would come up with a practical plan to not need to work every day for long hours to have the same income and then when I realize it did not happen - I did not manifest it - I feel frustration and want to quit without common sense and consideration of currently what I am within and what are my plans, commitments, by another hope that if I quit I will find a better place and then I judge it with fear of what if not and then I suppress it and not realizing that from time to time I re-and re-create/experience the whole cycle without decomposing, self-intimacy and practical understanding how and why I exactly judge and project responsibility and suppress energies of result of backchat without self-direction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to define myself separated from my workplace, workmates with the judgment that I can walk out any time therefore having a reaction for that as 'positive' feeling for the negative energies I experience and then judging this as 'therefore not wanting to socialize with them as I can leave at any day' and then I shift personality because of the energetic reaction to this as 'positive feeling' with letting go the fear and then actually I am able to let this go for a moment and be warm and open with others and actually enjoy myself and others because having the memory and experience reference of when fear comes I can balance it with positive energy and then I can be myself and not realizing that the whole thing is me going in loop based on self-judgment, fear from change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry sometimes when I do not finish my job until 'deadline' yet I am aware of that it is not a problem but I define it 'it might be problem if I continue like that' and then I play the role and character of worry and anxiety but not fully - and by that I stimulate and motivate myself to perform better within the starting point of worry without acknowledging it I create it the very thing I react to/fear from and within the inner experiences of these self-judgments, self-definitions I actually stop progressing in the job and manifesting consequences of disregarding what is important as job and I fall behind with it and the schedule and when I realize it I become anxious and judge myself as not progressing and then I motivate myself within the energy of anxiety and worry and by that I actually perform better and not realizing the polarity game I play within because directly here I do not remain undefined/ empty, directive without energetic reactions as thoughts/feelings emotions.
When and as I think and judge the act of I go into the workplace only for the money, I stop thinking that I go there only for the money and I use common sense and stop defining myself by thoughts as reactions to already accepted self-definitions but I direct myself to live by and as principle and decision.
When and as I experience thoughts as reactions that I need more money I accept job offers and I answer head hunters and response with common sense and I allow myself to expand financially.
When and as I want different job to do because currently what I do I think as it is below my skills and who I want to be - I stop thinking and reacting to thoughts/feelings but I sit down, use the facts, common sense and I decide and I act accordingly.
When and as I think that I can be great leader or I think that I am able to direct myself and others without being pissed - I realize if I do not live it - it is a hope and fear from not experiencing myself doing so - therefore if sit down I use common sense and direct myself to find a job within what I can express direction and management without thinking and self-defining myself without actually moving, changing.
When and as I worry about making others uncomfortable therefore feeling uncomfortable - I realize I define them by myself and I define myself by how I perceive them by my self-definition projected to the delusion of 'them' - therefore I stop, I breathe, I let go and I practically embrace the moment as everything here as myself and I use common sense and self-direction.
When and as I fear from or define 'I should not' do relationship what I define as 'deep' with co-workers I realize it is a fear from loss and fear from judgment - I stop I breathe, I let it go and I realize that I am here as moment undefined - I am here in this world but not of this world.
When and as I judge and define co-workers as limited and programmed in terms of creatures of habits - I realize I judge myself and I project it to not need to face and realize and change therefore I stop and I reflect it back to and as myself here and I use principle and common sense and self-direction and using the tools of Self-forgiveness, Self-honesty, and re-align myself in and as the moment as breathe without condition.
When and as I think is that the most difficult thing at my workplace is when I want to rush and do the job without meeting and discussing it within the fear of 'discussions will flow for too long without direction and practicality and usefulness' - I stop judging and reacting - I take direction and use common sense.
When and as I judge the company as slow and want to define myself as fast, effective and within that experiencing conflict - I realize I project out self-definition to not need to face and deal with - so I stop, I embrace, I let it go and express myself within common sense and do the best I can in each moment.
I commit myself to not go internal conversations, backchats, worry, judgments at workplace by remaining calm, open, clear within and I re-align myself in each moment that am I here, am I the directive principle without over-analyizing myself but being aware of myself as body, as presence, as common sense as principle without energy, without condition but as who I am as Life as breath as the Living word.
I commit myself to become aware when I go into the mind at workplace without any energy and need for energy but as breath I express and I expand awareness of I am embracing the moment and remaining undefined yet I direct myself in each moment to stop the mind.
I commit myself to stop fear from not having enough money and I use common sense and if I decide to find another job, then I respect and direct my decision as reality - and if not then I breathe within self-decision that I will do so later without fear from stuck.
I commit myself to stop thinking about workmates and judging them as limited and automatic and I stop projecting issues what I do not become aware of I react to within and I remain here within the actual enjoyment and respect of myself as self-enjoyment as being here and being directive without conditions.
I commit myself to not limit myself interacting with workmates based on concepts of how deep I should go within the fear that it is temporally and I might lose something but I express myself as moment as common sense as Self-honesty.
I commit myself to stop thinking about what others might think about me and I remain busy and directive within and as the physical even if that is breathing here within presence remaining empty within - that is self-direction and I respect myself to embrace what is here within not moving but breathing for moments and enjoying the inner silence undefined.
When and as I experience myself being exhausted because of not working in my self-defined tempo - I realize I feel energies within as not defining who I defined myself to be but as opposite and self-conflict I accept instead of transcending in and as the moment the self-definition, and in each moment, not only in one and then in the next moment falling into the same self-definition reaction but I remain directive to not go into the trap of self-definition naturally.
When and as I see that I motivate myself working with energetic reaction of worry and anxiety - I stop, I breathe and I realize I can be direct and I can direct myself without energies and addiction of energy and I allow myself to let all go and remain quiet within and active without as equal as one naturally.
to be continued....