There was some pressure from within and from outside as well and I make sure I do not forget and actually I change.
So I've been 'investigating' myself in terms of how this self-expression and self-suppression works in myself and I've found out the followings:
There is an other dimension: Self-confidence versus shame. And it is fascinating because a very little, tiny participation within shame makes me absolutely no confident and then I hesitate and then I work automatically, based on how I've programmed my mind based on suppression, shame.
So there is this 'return to' self-automation what is - and never will be actually even close to who I want to be.
I must make sure I never lose perspective within shame or if doing so - I should immediately use this shame as self-reflection to actually see within what I am ashamed of and stop it by actually not doing the thing I am ashamed of, meaning: I do not do it again, Who? Myself Here. And by that I not only 'regain' Self-confident but actually expanding.
So I've been observing myself since a while when this shame comes and I am petrified and then I start to do things what are not of priority within Self-honesty but are what with I can take time - and by time I've defined I am being 'healed' from shame but in fact I am not healing it: I am forgetting it as being occupied with something else - to distract myself from shame - until the point I am doing it again.
So what is about I am ashamed was/am.
When I had my partner who with I really wanted to make agreement but could not - there was conflict and for that I was ashamed of and especially when she stated that I am the responsible for her sufferings and that shocked me but I did not change or at least not really for years.
After walking through some self-accepted conflicts, I've realized within writing: she can not blame me, I can not blame her - if it does not work, then we should not do it and that's all.
Another thing I am ashamed of is suppression of sexual desire what then takes over and then showing me what I am creating - and then I intensify it with watching images/films what to I react with more and more excitement, arousal and then I am more and more 'charged' and then more and more I want to be stimulated, first just nice women, then naked art and then depicted sex and then I actually get into the feeling of doing so.
I do enjoy sex and not having problem with it - but as since a while I made the decision not to have partner -that particular partner - unintentionally I made sexual partnership with my mind - as it was my first partner when I was kid - somehow, somewhere regardless of how cool and exciting were my real partners - if that I could not 'get' - I went back to imaginary - (not even thinking about it or about something of real - that I dropped long ago) - but still when seeing an image, a video - I still react and that shows me that I am interested in re-experiencing a certain feeling - what is against anxiety, tiredness.
So instead of dealing with the cause of anxiety, tiredness, I go into the pattern of 'generate energy' with the most strong generator within me - what is sexual energy and when I do not 'have access to' partner - who I always prefer, however only with a decent partner who with I can agree on support and some sort of kindness - so since a while I did not seem to be interested in anybody around who with I could 'imagine' for a long-term relationship(for short-term and one nights I am not really interested). I do see that I simply tried to suppress this aspect and then one day: 'Surprise, I am here, I am you, see how strong I am within and as you'.
Therefore I am alone with my anxiety what I try to battle with intensifying energy - positive and negative - which is not even always 'conscious' - but I am just reacting and only I realize by skipping when missing something I wanted to do - for instance a daily writing + sharing - and then that means already I am 'automated' way too much based on self-dishonesty.
And then I actually see this within and then instead of stopping directly - I start to judge myself and then I become ashamed of what I accept and allow.
And the shame is not even real - because if there is real shame then one do not want to 're-live' that shame again but to change - unless is not being aware of how and when and in fact why acting the way what is not something I can be proud of.
So with this fake-shame I am busy within to deliberately destroy all my self-confidence and if I see it objectively I might have the 'right' for it because if I do something I do not want or I am ashamed of - then I should do something about it and actually make sure to PREVENT happening, MAKING it.
So then the common sense is to see what is this anxiety - not exactly, only this word - but in my language it is a some sort of subtle fear - unconscious fear, what taints me, infiltrates me, infests me in each moment by the very manifestation of fear of loss of something I am not even aware of because that would bring more fear - or that is the 'mind-defense'.
So what I fear from the most: to be direct with others and with myself, meaning absolute self-honest in each moment. Which is my greatest desire to do - and it is like I hesitate? I do not even say that I am lazy and stay in the 'hope' anymore because I am even being told I am 'diligent'. So.
How I would see myself changed in terms of social action? Well - that I see as some sort of perceived self, an imagination - however I "have" direct experience of it - but it was rare.
I'd just approach somebody and say what I want or what I see - without my 'interest'. Whatever is the outcome - I do everything in the moment I can and see what comes and in the meantime I do everything I can in the next moment.
Focus, discipline, using the tools and re-alignment within self-honesty each day - and if I see I am slipping away from writing a shareable blog - I re-prioritize in the moment still while I have the time and walk through the point - which is in fact this subtle fear, anxiety what if I allow to grow by suppression - I manifest self-sabotage and actually I lose days within Process.
Meanwhile I was doing things - not just staring the walls, finishing video clips and dealing with internet outage/water pipe break+flood of the kitchen and it was interesting to see how is it a reflection of myself and also to realize 'shit happens' and who I am in this and in the meantime I lost my sense of humor for a while lolol.
Self-forgiveness and Self-correction:
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've manifested self-defined polarities within me such as self-suppression/self-expression, self-confidence/shame and anxiety/self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have not taken the time to walk through my creation within self-suppression which through I sabotage my self-expression based on anxiety and fear and shame.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and become aware and see and understand and realize when in fact I am anxious and not being aware of it why, and accepting and reacting to this tension within, this energetic charge what I try to get rid off by acting based on the fear of remaining so and not realizing that the solution is to stop and re-align myself with principle of what is best for me is what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have never understood really and being able to write down that how I can assist and support myself and others with and as the consideration of 'What is best for all' practically in each moment by realizing that to actually accept myself as self-dishonest I am not acting based on the principle of 'What is best for all' and it is always that simple.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do not have to have a starting point within what I consider myself first by thinking that no one is caring about what is best for me therefore I must care myself first and then with the others meanwhile by understanding the principle of equality and oneness I can be aware of that if I walk on practically stopping being self-dishonest in each situation in my life one by one - I am acting based on what is best for me AND what is best for all as equal as one.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that going into polarity games and anxiety and shame and fear from doing what I really want based any self-judgment - as fearing from not trusting myself what I want and not trusting within myself that what I want is acceptable - means that I do not trust myself and I act based on the starting point that I should not and can not trust in myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do not express myself what I want based on judgment - then I am of that judgment, I am limited by and as that judgment as myself as equal as one and the only way to let go that judgment is to let go the fear from being judged through Self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I sabotage my self-confidence and self-trust based on being ashamed on things what I do not want to do and I do want to stop yet I still do and still do not stop.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am anxious within because I do not stop doing myself something what I am ashamed of.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a relationship within my mind, and react to images, pictures, sounds within energetic charges and not realizing that is of consciousness, of systems, of self-dishonesty, and especially when I am alone doing so it is obvious: not real.
I forgive myself that I have never considered that to have real partner was to suppress this need to have my mind as partner and not stopping myself within such relationship step by step practically but wanting to polarize/battle/balance out/win it by the intensity of energetic experiences and defining intensity as good and not realizing that intensity is just maths as 1+1=2 - within what if I participate based on self-dishonesty - I accumulate self-delusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to find the partner what I've imagined in my mind and being anxious and fear from not getting what I've defined as I need as who I defined myself to be in the first place and then when facing the fact that real partner is not as I've imagined wanting to have then anxiety and fear comes and then I move as starting point between mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions and reality as physical partner and not committing myself to stop the imaginary because that I still want to manifest based on defining who I am on that and when facing in reality not so then becoming anxious and fear from remaining so.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I fear from who I've defined myself to be even with my dreams because to have my dreams, desires in reality I must change in terms of letting go as I imagined it in my mind because even when what I desired for is here, I still compare and move between illusion and reality based on my interest of not needing to change yet wanting to have both believing it to be real because for having to experience what I see as real - I used what I 'have' within as definitions and as I let go the definitions - the physical consequence is goes and I fear from losing both as I've defined myself that one of two is required and never considered to let go both and remain the 'I' - undefined, direct, physical here within consistency.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of my past and judging it actually re-experiencing the anxiety and by that anxiety manifesting reactions which through I create the same: my past becomes my present and by not stopping creating as my future without realizing that I can and should STOP.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've been pushing myself in the wrong direction and giving energy into something what is not the solution and not being able to see what is fight within conflict by forces of my mind - and what is self-direction and self-discipline and focus.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware within in the moment of thoughts arise that I am experiencing anxiety and fear and that's what the thoughts indicate and by accepting myself within fear and anxiety - I accept the thoughts as well.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be clear within my starting point in each moment and when thoughts come I accept reacting by finding justifications and excuses just like 'being with others' or 'being busy and working' or 'not being online' or 'being tired and exhausted'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed any justification and excuse for being anxious and fearful.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I fear from is not real, but if I keep fearing it - I make it real to see is this really me and realize: not, which is unnecessary and painful to walk through instead of stopping here in and as all moments participate within fear.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within fearing I do not solve the issue I face as identifying myself with my automatic reaction 'chance to loss/lose' and within the chance to lose I focus to the word 'lose' and not considering the 'chance'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware of that what I am ashamed of is that which I still accept and allow within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use shame as energy to react to within judgment and generate anxiety and by manifesting anxiety doing things what I fear from doing so and then becoming ashamed of what I fear from doing so instead of simply stopping myself within constancy, consistency, within the principle of considering all as one as equal as me as life within oneness and equality based on What is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for wanting to have a partner based on fear from consequences and fear from remaining within desire and not realizing that some desires can be manifested to let go the desire from the equation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to fall into the temptation of desires based on judgments and then judging myself based on fear from remaining so and not realizing that by that I manifest to remain within fear.
To be continued...
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