Sunday, July 7, 2013

[JTL 71] Self-forgiveness: workplace part 3

Continuing on the previous posts:
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself to be a specific character and personality to be able to work as required to get money and not realizing that the very character I've formed myself to be at workplace is of judgments as a result of not trusting within myself that I can work without judgments/thinking/inner reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within fear from not performing well I motivate myself to work efficiently and without that I am allowing myself to not work within efficiency but be distracted based on momentary reactions which through I am not progressing with the work meanwhile having excuses for being tired/not having great air or the air conditioner making me exhausted meanwhile if there is a feeling within that I am falling behind and becoming anxious about it by that motivating myself to push work then I have proven to myself that I can perform very well but only when having the worry, anxiety and fear that I will be punished/warned therefore risking not having stable income.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do always the same amount of work the way my boss wants me to perform then I will always be in the same or similar position and if I want to expand then I will have to make effort for things to change what I've realized already but I've judged it as it is not worthy because it would take some extra time what I've defined I do not take because the company will pay the same money if I do or if I do not do and therefore I've directed myself to hold back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself based on money and my judgments about how much work I should do for how many money and then defining only matters the money and to get the money and nothing else at workplace without realizing that the job I do, the work I take is me, myself and there is no separation from the job, doing it and myself in the moment therefore if I allow myself to be distracted, not effective as I can be I am allowing self-judgment to direct me based on a specific fear here in is from not having enough time after work if I make it as good as I can within common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always make compromises based on money and defining myself who I am as and according to money based on values I give to activities and things and judging money as negative meanwhile the only negative I experience is emotional reactions to thoughts, feelings what I react with to money, things for money, work for money.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to use common sense to organize my weekdays in order to be effective as I can possibly and defining myself as two parts as the engineer, mechanic, precise, definitive, computing part which I work at the company for money and the other part, what is flowing, spontaneous, imprecise, artistic, impressionist and with the two characters trying to balance out who I define myself to be without acknowledging that I am slave of this two polarities and I am not directing it but experiencing and I forgive myself that I have never realized/seen/considered the common sense to unify all aspects of myself in each moment regardless of circumstances without defining it or wanting to have an excuse that at programming for company I can not be impressions or with making music art I can not be engineer because that is of self-definition of fear from losing myself who I defined myself to want to be in specific activities based on imagination of thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have never considered the unification of me in each moment of every breath without needing to condition myself to outer circumstances for people, for job, for art, for expression without realizing that I've given so much meanings to words automatically what I react to without being aware of therefore the whole reaction process of characters, personalities coming and going are automatic and the only constant stable meanwhile is the body which is breathing who I've defined to be the less relevant but of judgments of who I must be, how I must behave in order to maximize the effectiveness of my interest such as working the job for money, or having great time to express myself who I've defined myself to be with people, friends, hobbies, entertainment and never realizing that all of these are based on fear from not being myself, fear from not finding myself in the moment undefined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I actually do my job as programming as software engineer as mostly it is happening to me and i am sitting and pushing myself doing so meanwhile I am experiencing myself to do the job many times and never questioning that is it myself here who is working or the system I've automated myself to operate in order to get the money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to be distracted while talking with workmates especially those who I've defined as slow talkers as meanwhile they are talking I've defined as it is alright, cool, and effective to think and wonder about things meanwhile not realizing that I am not fully aware of what they say within the interest and belief that I know what they mean and I want to have stimulated all time because otherwise I feel bored, tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about women at the company about how they look and how I would enjoy having sexual activities with them especially after finding out that by this I actually - and apparently I can overcome tiredness and the feeling of being exhausted because by the stimulation and a little arousal I am feeling more awaken, present, energetic without realizing that then I am not fully here with the colleague, I am not hearing what he is saying, I am deceiving myself with the reactions what are not real, made up by myself and without permission of the woman who I think of and by that I am giving into the temptation of energetic reactions of escaping from who I really am here into the religion of self-interest of stimulation of thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop myself thinking about women at workplace when apparently I can have spare time wherein I am not doing anything particular by believing that my thinking time is mine only and then I can go into my mind and never considering that meanwhile I am not here, I am not real but of inner reaction purely for and as myself as being interested only within me and my own self-created personality of energetic mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can live, be, breathe, exist being here without any stimulation, without any energy of thoughts, feelings, emotions simply allowing myself to stop inner movements by letting go everything what is not physically here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hide within workplace by working there for 8 hours a day meanwhile whatever I do having the excuse that it is for money for surviving and separating myself from myself based on a perception that I am two: one is working for being able to live and the second is in the process of self-realization and believing, thinking, defining the 2 as different, opposite and never considering to be the same of myself in both situations without the need of defining myself who I need to be as worker and as myself and by that defining being at workplace only for money and not allowing myself to explore myself as the tools of realization meanwhile working such as self-forgiveness and self-correction in and as the moment within consideration of the job, workplace, others, boss as well with common sense.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that stimulating myself with sugar at workplace to be effective is already a result of a creation what I should investigate, decompose, forgive, transcend step by step within common sense because otherwise it will remain so and I will remain so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I must be polite and kind at workplace with all participants because it is part of my job without considering that if I define myself as positive and kind I am of the definition of the starting point of why I define myself doing so such as fear from being rejected, fear from not being effective to work with others and fear from not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to socialize with people only for my interest such as working for money, having what I need as tools, things and finding women for sexual exploration and satisfaction and not considering the starting point why I define myself and socialization of myself based on and according to only these self-definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe that from time to time I do require to be alone at workplace, at home and at other places without never acknowledging that I am getting tired of not using thoughts, feelings, emotions (enough) to rejuvenate my mind, consciousness with inner reactions if I am constantly present and expressive what I've defined as effective working meanwhile after working for 20-30 minutes defining myself as needing to have some breaths of myself and rest, and take air and do drink or walk to toilet meanwhile I can go into the thoughts and react to some things I am surrounded by, being faced in my life currently and by those having energetic reactions which I've defined who I am and after a while not thinking/feeling/being emotional I've defined as not being myself, not having the time for myself and not being able to do things for myself meanwhile in fact I am addicted to thoughts, and energetic reactions to thoughts which what I can rejuvenate my mind, my personality who I've defined myself to be, who I've defined myself to be required to be stable, expressive, even for being able to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as from time to time I need to think and I need to interpret things by thoughts and by reacting to the thoughts seeing where the reactions takes me within and by that defining what is good and what is bad and according to that making my next move but not within self-direction but within self-definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted from moment as here while being at workplace based on a judgment that this is what others also do therefore there is a 'consciousness halo' an influence in the air what has impact on me and not realizing that it is me, only me, myself who decides what I accept and allow to express as myself and by projecting it to others and the place is self-dishonesty what I never considered to stop practically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive women as other gender at the workplace as sex objects when watching them walking around judging them as how hot and sexy they are and thinking about their body parts as judging those as how arousing these to me and playing with the thoughts that from time to time how much or how less they seem attractive to me meanwhile they are unaware of me thinking about them for moments meanwhile forgetting the fact that I only react to images what I judge and by my own judgment I judge my own judgment and I react to only myself stimulated by an image and not considering that the whole internal experience is not real, not really me, not here, but of energy of mind of self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define to be liked when a workmate smiles at me regardless to her/his gender but when woman does defining it as exciting because I might think that it is because I am attractive meaning that I am good, I am valuable, I am cool what I react to with excitedness, which I've defined as value at workplace because by excitement I overcome tiredness, boredom and defining also that by excitement time passes faster what means that I experience less hard and slow work for the same amount of time as hours/days/month timeframe within I work for earning salary which by I justify my cycles of reactions and participation and then defining myself according to and as it without even being aware of it.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that there is no such thing as more important moment as who I am is always the moment therefore if I am not present as Life Principle as what is best for all - then I am of self-interested consciousness system and the only thing what matters is the accumulation of moments by the simple math of 1+1=2.

I forgive myself that I have never considered to sort out my specific activities directly within common sense through self-honesty what I've defined as in the way of Living Principled.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that working in a busy city basically being alone I've defined myself to be and wanting to experience more while this is who I've defined myself to be and how I've defined myself to be how I want to be therefore that is what I return to by default, as the interest of to be alone in the city based on a belief that this is the most practical way I can be currently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the mostly when I can work at workplace within direction with specific tasks alone because then I can direct myself to be effective yet not stressed, exploring self-motivation and self-honesty with my own tempo but by defining myself as this, when not working alone, defining it as not effective, as requiring attention, focus, compromise and by that experiencing that I lose energy and becoming more tired than when working alone and not considering it is because of my self-definitions and reactions and relationships within me of words to circumstances, people, myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give permission to myself to automatically think about things what I suppress meanwhile working with others when I remain alone as echoing back the very self-dishonesty what I responsible for and suppress and in fact 'store' within me and by reflecting it back at moments when I define being 'by myself' and not realizing that this time, being 'myself' - is the inner reaction only of self-judgment as past and in that moment I disregard my real beingness here because who I've defined myself to be is 'inner reaction as echoes of mind within'.

When and as I remain alone at workplace I use the tools of Self-forgiveness, Self-direction, Self-honesty, even Self-writing if possible to remember, decompose, let go inner judgments based on perceptions what I allow meanwhile being with others and I do not direct it as equal as one as me therefore suppressing inner reactions what I echo back when I define myself as being myself and giving permission to being lost inner reactions - I stop, I stop moving, I stop reacting, I stop following the thought, I relax my body, I let go the judgment, I take a breathe and I re-align myself to be completely here and consider what is here.

When and as I see I am being overwhelmed with inner reactions at workplace and I can allow myself to have some moments as going out, taking a rest, have a walk, or even going to the rooftop, park - I let everything go and I re-align myself to be here before reacting to judgments and if I have any feeling going on about anything - I see how I create it and I stop the starting point - I stop judgments, I stop thoughts, I stop distraction and I stop giving permission within myself to echo thoughts.

When and as I see I am seeing woman and judging her or her body as sex-object such as thighs, tits, ass, face automatically I stop myself I realize I disregard the moment, the being, myself here completely within self-definition and I stop reacting to parts of body by realizing that it is preference of self-interest for what the person I define myself to be reacted automatically has not given permission to and I stop following thoughts to get energy within based on excitement with lack of self-direction.

When and as I feel tired and exhausted at workplace I use common sense and I investigate that did I sleep and rest enough and is there everything at the workplace to be able to work effectively such as sleeping at least 6 hours, eaten, hydrated enough, temperature, humidity and air is present and if not then do what I can for myself and if the workplace is not so then I report to the responsible ones without thinking, without reacting, without judgment - and if I see I did everything I can to sort this out and still there is tiredness, exhaustiveness, I consider switching workplace based on common sense.

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