Friday, July 29, 2011

Trust issues


With my partner, we realized that we must agree on words - words what we agree to live by and live as.
We agreed on some words to live by and as - but there are still areas what we not even touched yet we express.

For instance we decided to support ourselves by self-honesty, consistency, stability in which I found we are not real.

What I found very supportive as well is that we agreed on not participating sexually with others unless we would agree on different.
It's like a contract - we sign with self-honesty words what we decide to live as one as equal.

I had the tendency to wander about other women too but in fact I found this confusing not only for myself but for my partner. Still sometimes I do not realize that I do speak or act things as flirting - not really intentionally but it's like directly manifested unconsciously - we agreed on this - yet sometimes I fly away - when I am not here as Breathing Self Presence. Then I am compromised by influences of the mind as I've designed myself.

My partner, told me that she does not really trust me within this because she found that men are opportunists who bend according to situations. I told her that I am really pushing myself to earn this trust as I decided to not play boy with women. At one event something occured with an other girl some months ago and when I told my partner this, in fact she told me that she did very similar with her ex-boyfriend almost at the same time. Then when I told her what happened, she was really furious with me and after some minutes she told the story what she did and then it was quite an equal and we discussed this and we both agreed on not to do so and since then I do not give into such opportunities for compromise myself with situations wherein I could literally give into these kind of temptations. Because we agreed on this and I find very important to do so.

Many times I found people untrustworthy. In fact I always had the issue to trust within others while I was unable to trust myself at situations. But for instance what I do prefer to myself - about that I always trusted myself almost unconditionally. When I faced with alcohol or drugs - at one point I always realized - this is not really good for my body - and I trust my body. That was the first level of my trust. When I feel the pain within the body - I trust in that it is manifested physical pain and it is not cool, I must act in order to stop this physical pain.

When I do say that I prefer not to eat raw onion - I trust my preference. That one I could question already as it is not directly physical - it is the taste of it what I perceive or define as not cool and I act according to that.

Within my process I realized there are situations when I can not trust within my eyes - for instance when seeing shiny and fancy and huge advertisements - or when I was tripping the hell out of me by drugs - I've seen things what I saw but in fact later on I found out that these were not real. What I physically feel, touch is real, within that I can give trust that it is as I experience - however if I bring up any memories, definitions, connotations, associations, feelings, thoughts or any inner reaction according to the physical feel of touch - then I already stepped beyond reality and walking within Mind Realm wherein anything is possible regardless of what is real here.
I also noticed that multiple people has multiple level of multiple trusts.

Myself also, at workplace I trust in my boss about my job, about the project, about the information what he shares - by working with him more than 2 years - I walked with him through lot of shit(problems, solutions) and I trust him in that - however about personal life and personal point of views - I am not sure I could trust in him.

Sometimes people do say to me that I am too naive - mostly about the so called 'friends' who sometimes come and for instance ask some money from me with the promise that soon they will pay it back - and in fact never - I was like if he says so - I mean it's like hollywood shit - I see the close-up of his face with all of the details and he is saying the words "I will give it back next week" - and it is in a way so promising like when I see the movie in the cinema with the actor who says: -"I am going to kill them." - and then he does so.

So it's like I imagine myself within a movie wherein the actors are honest at least - the actors who I am surrounded with - at least they should do as they say so - and if not - then by watching the movie - after some occasions - one can say - this person can not be trusted by his/her words.

At least for me it is like if I give money to someone BECAUSE he said he will give it back - because it's obviously seen within 'my movie' that I am not peeing that fucking money from thin air - I do work for it with "my all precious" time. So. I had to realize I must change within that because I have this trust issue.

When a friend asks for money and then I do not get back that money - I should consider that this particular person is untrustworthy. At least from my point of view. At least from the point of this money borrowing thingy. What I found that with multiple guys - we were in quite open communication relationship, so called friends, but after this money thing went through and I did not see back the money - (it was never HUGE amount, more likely about 20-100 Euros mostly) then after a while we stopped all contact.
Some even came back after about a year and asked again, but most of them 'just somehow' never saw me again.
Also there was one guy, who felt so bad about it that he could not give money to me that he was unable to face me and when after about a year we met - he was just saying that 'I want to give it back, I am just selling some instruments, very soon hopefully I wil be able to pay' - and I told him I do not care about that amount anymore, it's gone, whatever, what about you, how are you? And then he asked my phone number and then I stepped off the tram and I never heard from him.
I trusted him that he could do - but in fact by this trust I lost thousands - what I do not regret - but I must adjust my attitude to this because I am currently focusing on financially stabilize myself and each point is equally important within the simple mathematical equation of 1+1=2.

Also I found that the trust is like the word truth - different for everyone.

Another aspect for instance:
There was a summer when I was with friends about 5-6 years ago when we did basking and juggling on street in Spain - we did smoke a lot and at one point we agreed on not trust in each other - it was not really problem - it was almost like a happy fun to realize that we are so stoned and disoriented and confused and lazy that even when one said 'I've checked the doors of the car, it's locked' - it was not sure because we were untrustworthy.
Even at a point I remember I said: 'I do not even trust myself about these kind of points'.
Yet we had to exist within a so called 'team' - wherein people had activities to do for instance one guy made the juggling stick and one was the driver of the car and I was the one who played with the stuff on street or playing music instruments to demonstrate how great fun is this or attract people with the music for one may buy it and the fourth guy was the one who took the money from the buyers and gave the stuff for them. But of course the roles werent that strict - in a way when we realized we are so fucked up, I started to be more conscious about points what are important because we must be able to exist efficiently otherwise we would end up not selling stuff and not having money.
What I did about points what I've defined as important - for instance to close the door of the car when we sit in to start to go somewhere - then I checked it multiple times regardless of remembering that I did check it or not.
Because at one event we started the car while the door was open - and the policemen stopped the car and said "it's open, you should close it" - and then we did so and started the car again and then an other door of the car was still open and I realized how much we are fucked within our expression.

But in that time somehow we even defined that as 'cool' because the only thing what we cared about is that we push the drug into our head and then we fly around things while our desires(fabricate,sell juggling sticks) must be manifested.
In that time I was not aware of that Trust must be built and earned.

Or an other story:
Recently my partner was in a camp wherein one guy approached her for how about kissing - and then she told the guy that I am with Tala now(the guy knows me), and we agreed on that we do not do these things behind each other - and the guy asked her one more time with reasoning "come on, he will not know it".

Also then when he realized she wont kiss - he told her that he also agreed with a girl who he does sexual things with, that they will not do sex with others without the other knowing - but he sometimes does so as it is referred as 'cheating'.
My partner told him that he should re-discuss with her about this sex thing with his partner and discuss on what both agree to do.

Fascinating. Not personally I am wondering about this guy regardless of he knows me or not - but how human nature operates generally - by using the excuse that 'the other will not know it'.

In fact for me it is more likely an issue of myself first. I must exist with that I did not do what I agreed on with somebody to do. Then, in fact broke my agreement with her while I will imitate that I did not.
But when the other will realize that I did not do according to what we agreed upon, then what will happen?

The city wherein I live as I face with people I noticed that they do not live by principle and agreement- as I did not live by principle before DESTENI as well.

Recently I met with some teenagers, it seems to be that they did not yet develop a stable 'experience' of self - more likely they are faced with expressions from outside and they simply react according to cultural, family and media-influences based on they momentary perception of what is good for them.

Within that starting point humans tend to act based on self-interest - how they are interested on doing things what makes everything great but only for themselves.

A point what I integrate into my momentary decisions is that if I am able to question myself before my action then I ask myself: 'What is best for all?'

By that question I am able to locate myself who I really am - who I am within this current existence.
Because by compromising what is best for all - in fact I am compromising myself.

This is the question of Self-honesty. Am I able to see within myself that my intentions are based on the principle of what is best for all?
Because firstly to realize what is best for all - is to release preconceptions about what is good for me - and by realizing how I became who I am - and why I became who I became - I will be able to start to learn myself. And by learning who I am - I realize - I can change myself.
If I do see this point within Common Sense - then I consider my current location. My current state and my current abilities and investigate what is the current state of the system - and what I can do for what is best for all.

By starting to explore Self here - I realized that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within delusions - self-definitions what are in fact not real, definitions, memories what I repeat to express physically based on fears, desires what are of my self-interest.

So by common sense - what is best for all - is that I do not trust to delusions.

The HERE within this equation is that I am here - my delusions I still accept - then I start working on this.
I start working to reveal, write, forgive and release and breath trough my delusions.

About delusions I must pronounce that thoughts, feelings, emotions are of delusions - if I act according to these - I am of delusions. Yes, I am aware of that these words have weight - and all of the humanity are currently existing by and as thoughts, feelings, emotions.

Where I live, people mostly have no intent to stop exist as expressed thoughts, feelings, emotions.

People are conscious about they are imperfect - yet everyone has personally developed excuse and justification about why they do not stand up to their Self-dishonesty as one as equal as Self Here.

Why I write about this? Because it is a great reflection point for me - that "Do I judge people because I do not trust them?" - if so - then why I am in fact projecting issues towards them - instead of acting and not accepting what is not best for all.

My location is that I have developed quite a manifested Mind what I am currently existing within and as.
To investigate my delusions - I must apply some precedences as starting point for instance Oneness and Equality.
As principle - I am always existing within and as Oneness and Equality. This is not a subject for argument.
I am always equal what I accept and allow - as I am one with and as who I am - and by this principle - I can start investigating myself as who I am within what I accept and allow here on earth.
This is where the Physical I enjoy - I express myself as physical - there were some time when I preferred not physical but in fact if I consider what is real, what is here - the physical what I align myself to and as.

So the trust issue is what one must directly face and redefine trust. By redefining trust I redefine the relationship with myself and my reality. I trust myself unconditionally.

Actions to do :

-I must not allow to borrow people because of their (or my backchat) manipulation by that 'I am good person'.
-I must not allow myself to compromise my standing by trusting within something what I did not clarify.
-I must not allow myself to work with the act of 'trust' based on hope.
-I must live by what I agreed upon with my partner, not only because of me or of her but as ourselves as principled living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within my thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within my delusions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within what is not real.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place worth and value through trust into people, things separated from me instead of realizing that I am here, I trust myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mix up hope and trust - instead of realizing that if I hope that my trust worth then my trust is not worthy.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I must build self trust by acts simply by speaking what I do and doing what I speak one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in friends unconditionally just because of the self-definition of 'friends trust each other' instead of realizing that by definition noone can be trusted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within scriptures and books instead of all ways trusting myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself here as breath as inner silence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust myself as past instead of realizing that the past is not real, only existing as a reflection within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting within something or somebody because of that I might get disappointed when the trust was not worthy.

I trust myself here. I trust myself as physical here. I am trust.

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