a make awake
I was having a great rush and then the pacifying feeling was an almost falling.
Mostly I perceived myself as some kind of fade presence with one dimensional thingspopping emulator validator projection post-simulation loopmachine.
Looping up those what had no meaning at all made me certain about I am not full.
Who can judge me except my own pollice structure within my head - lost all carpets in a second when continous energy release I experienced within this physical expansion along and within my human physical body.
This can be referred as an orgasm but it was like not usual release of the compound heap of suppressed energetic inner re-reflections - but within the concept it was no concept at all - loosing all hope was freedom.
Within and as after all escape I found myself within the situation that I am pinpointed here within the fact that I am with her undoubtably together without any need for to get her - not to get her anymore because her is here as me.
Walking by the thoughts some for sake went trough within this interdimensional virtual 3d-head-space and conclusions as con sequences were seeds of manifestations and for a loooooo-oooo--ooooong moment - I had nothing to release as I was nothing of compound but the very integration of the system as self facialization by an intense presence as the physical.
Fear arised about protection and loosing the control after replaying this I HAD TO (but why anyway?) conclude that I was not well disciplined as I walked into a restricted are within my expression by allowing to trust in her?
This point came up and up again as I gained the dobubt until the point that I have nothing to do with this and I forgive myself as I allow myself to fear and then I cover my fear by doubt, projection to others instead of act immediately within self trust.
I was not able to shortcut this until the point when I brought up this point to her about 'I am not ready for having a baby' - so she said 'don't be afraid'.
No chance but stand and embrace.
This point was probably a main big issue within my previous relationships regarding to sexual expression.
Even I had this 'pulling back' because I was not able to absolutely stand within the self-directive principle that I am not going anywhere and also I am not cuming here.
But as time passed by as perception released as breath by breath we moved - this looked very unreal so I did let go and pure enjoy as self movement without any CON - as con-cern, as con-cert of inner reactions - self exploration I experienced but for times only for moments and thoughts came upon, mostly past based trust issues by participation of memory - me morey - but as I put me more into past - the less I am here.
So this memory is of bullshit - but it is still influencing me - more precisely: I am influencing myself by my past as I did not release absolutely the idea of me - some kind of crystalization what resonated into and as myself and still I 'carry'.
Also a big hunger came upon as I also tried to 'flip up' the current system of suppressed sexual over-control - I experienced a subtle desire for exploration: required - required - required - blinked within my body and I was like - ok so masturbation would be cool? but as I did - was way funny to realize - not this is not that but can be - so then I was like - see next case with her...
And also sexual expression - since may I did not do this kind of stuff - but as some days ago we did - I realized that I have to 'develop back' my ability to not rush into arousal-based fast-orgasm-selfish-ness with her...
Because also years ago I realized - it looks like with an other without direct self-movement - after the so called 'orgasm' - my arousement and all of this kind of fascinations - are gone and I am even uncapable of being hard again because of this ingrained behaviour - that I got what I want so that's it - but here is the other me as woman who is experiencing me as well as I am.
Facing is inevitable and self movement is also very suggested - so literally I had no chance - only move myself and enjoy ourselves.
But within the concern of 'not having orgasm too soon because I will loose my interest of her before she would also enjoy orgasm' - I am already slave of polarity manifestation and not I am the directing principle.
I want to explore this more as writing stabilizes realizations and self forgiveness is assisting me to explore self honesty.
I forgive myself that I fear of expressing fully myself as presence within sexual expression because then I would fear of having an orgasm too early becase of compounding energy will take control of me and simply would charge out.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myelf to realize that I stopped sexual expression with an other because of fearing of I am not able to separate myself from other's mind anymore and exposing my desire to be with and as my own mind.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I was fearing of having a baby when I have sexual intercourse with a girl.
I forgive mysel that I have allowed myself to fear for being a father becaue then I would not be able to live like this anymore - and by being the father role would consume me who I am at this moment and I want to avoid that.
I forgive myself that for moments I was not able to direct myself within sexual expression as breath because I was in participation of my memory instead of facing physical issues with her as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to develop a system within myself to use pictures within my mind to decrease my arousedness in order to try to contain the compound sexual energy - instead of realizing that direct self presence as expression within and as breathing here - would not create/feed/empower separated mind-entity-manifestations within my head - so the solution would be to see how and why I created those patterns-antipatterns and by applying self forgiveness releasing and exploring myself behind these suppressions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use a picture of a dead cat in the hot highway concrete to reduce my sexual arousedness.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge woman physical body by past-based definitions of shapes-ratios and by previous close-physical encounters with other women.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire to have sex with women in order to have the feeling of unification instead of realizing that the very manifestation of desire by thoughts, feelings, emotions are the cause and the effect of the desire.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself directly here absolutely because of fear that I would get hurt.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use schemas and patterns in order to give a mask for woman who I am with in bed that I am like something what I would preferred to being perceived by -- past based fears and desires and suppressions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself within self direction and with the breathing as inner silence by simply as who I am and always using something of consciousness to being silenced by conditions and not realizing that I am of slave of my own escape from myself as the physical manifestation of self-dishonesty - until I stop unconditionally stabily and then it is done and I am here.
So next time I am able to stand directly here and physically push myself as expression and exploration and not allowing myself to use thoughts feelings and emotions to control myself - but being here and apply myself as presence.