The three were, the first is the most: desire(sex), fear(money), fear(health).
So the points were clarified, much thing happened since I wrote.
I was like I had the urge to write but I was also busy and I was like "Ok, I write when I write" so then today I write - I want to write and I do so.
Why today? Well, recently many points I've faced so some perspectives I write to see, realize, share.
So start from practical stuff - I was busy with my tiny home studio - not a secret anymore, it has some serious power so very soon the music project can start. Still much has to learn, however somewhere - HERE - I simply start and will explore and expand.
I've managed to afford to join the SRA course and bought the ticket to SA. It will be payed holiday, so by this it won't be long but when I return, I wont start from scratches, what never happened before.
I was also considering to prepare myself to leave my jobs, basically because I have no time for practice music and filming and those are more important than collecting money for other things to buy - and also the fact is that in this country I get about 1200 euros in a month and there are places where I could get much more money for a month with the same work - anyways - I will see.
So the desire-sex thing - I did a 21 days no masturbation discipline, it was quite an intense, but was not really hard - decision and standing - Still I am experiencing picture-based arousal but after the 21 days it was much less influencing.
After a week, a girl visited me - once we spoke and we spoke again for long hours and then yesterday I've pushed myself trough resistance regarding to enjoy sex with her and we had some hours intense moments - well it was not an agreement thingy but in fact I am here and I am exploring what is here...
Fascinating thing was that this was not of the arousal energy direction what I experienced before - it was more likely I was pushing myself and then I was in some kind of discipline and we enjoyed much without a word - however some thoughts popped up, later on I will explain those as well - And it was fascinating experience that my arousal when I lost my direct presence expression from here into my head by following several thoughts - my arousal was gone - even some times almost immediately. I had to build myself up almost literally to be able to stand and direct sexual expression with and as her - and we enjoyed it for some hours - this is a direct self facing experience. Ok, when I had the orgasm, I had no huge pain, but it was really intense and I felt like I was exploding continuously.
After these events at night - I experience myself less painful within my hands - so much suppressed anger and strain I expressed by self movement continuously - enormous effect I experience within experiencing here.
This sexual thingy I experienced last time about may of the last year - but with that girl it was more likely an urge - she was urging me to have an orgasm and she was not able to be self directive at all... So at last night, at the first time I could 'experiment' with this self presence without expectation and fear and blabla.
Ok, I had a concern about what would happen if we make a baby, but at this point she said it would not be an issue - but a bit I am still concerned lol so we will discuss this point later. I dont say I can not trust in her - more likely I say so: I trust within me.
I do not know that there will be an event like this, but maybe - will see.
I am not desiring after it all and also I wanted to stop masturbating and it's really not a big deal as I handled it before - because from a point I was handling my opinions and fears instead of dealing with real physical issues.
Some realizations I had also about breathing and about suppressing breath and what is conditional apparent-self-expression and what can be direct self presence expression.
I am curious to make a video about that later on.
In fact I made a text video about quoting from Gurdjieff, I made some background video animations based on my recordings with tons of effects - but I am not in hurry to share until I do not manage to make a great, impacting intense electronic music for that one specifically. With my new TC mastering plugins, here all sound quality is multiplied. I am very fascinated about this, so I will rewatch steinberg studio mastering series to get deeper in this.
My jobs: my first(all day going) job at the office is getting more intense, and we are quite busy all day but when I come home, I am doing the second job what is not a nice one(nasty existing code to work with, slow system) but I decided to make it ASAP(I signed deadline 15 of march) and it requires real hard work, but I am sure that when I will finish this - it will worth it - self expression and self direction issues. This will raise my CV much more - so for CV-side along with the current work at disney - I am sure that this will be enough anywhere at the planet to get a pricey job - if I would want that...and about I am not sure - I want to push myself with music exploration and production alongside with filming.
In fact filming is a great issue as I am getting to a point where I should get into a specialization - writing/being cameraman/directing/editing/effecting/sound engineering -- will see...
Also there is this point that sometimes I can catch myself on that I am being attracted to the girl who is giving my second job, even I experience that she is waiting for me to step on but I did not do anything like that.
Some people said to me recently, mostly girls that I should step on to show what I want from girls instead of playing to be a good booooy - lol.
Ok I am not after to be this tasting different women but first to not suppress and divert from my sexual desires and by this - realizing and self forgiveness can assist me to clear my head and be able to direct within and as the moment.
Also by accident I saw Gy(the girl who I was with at rainbow, and ozorafest and we spent some intense times(without going into deep what I expected and that's why I stopped to meet her because I felt that she is not showing herself up and also rejected me when I asked to form an agreement and also have sex and support each other unconditionally - so since then we did not meet - about 4 months)...
I had some thoughts about her and mostly I said self forgiveness to release the points and explore what is this desire after her and mostly it's core was desire to have sex and also desiring for support and be supportive.
So I saw her as she was working on street - underground at metro she was doing her greenpeace money collecting job as usually and I saw her body from background and she had tons of clothes as here is about minus five at day - and I had a thought about "ok, maybe she is she, so let's sneak away" and I was like loool, let's face her.
So I approached her and she was very happy hugged me for long and told me that she is very very happy and actually busy with saving me and the planet and I was very direct about saying that she is not saving me at all - and she told me quite much in five minutes and I was a bit holding back and I had this urge to kiss her so I transformed it to hug her a bit back - and then she said she would meet me and making this 'friendship' thingy and I was not sure what to say about that so I did not say anything - or a bit 'maybe' - after that at work I was flying away two times while my boss was telling about the job and issues at work and I was like about her and I had to direct myself to let her go in my head - so basically I am still influenced with her - so what would be supportive? To meet her and face and stand or to avoid her? As I am me - I chose first one and rather fall again instead of avoiding exposuring myself.
I sent to her about Carlin's perspective of saving the planet - I like to watch that one as it is really great -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eScDfYzMEEw
Self forgiveness points as they come up here:
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to program myself trough pictures.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define pictures as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind pictures.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to hide from myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire after sex instead of act and direct myself when I want without an urge - a compound energetic control inside of me.
I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to suppress my expressions and wanting to contain them and secluding within myself and not realizing that here is everything of me all ways so it is common sense to start realize and bring everything of me here and directly stop and express inner silence troughout breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yawn to shut down and not being able to hear what point I was not hearing within myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear from having sex with woman because then I could be exposed that in last months I was masturbating only and then I would have some discipline issues - instead of facing this point and moving trough it and changing physically by expressing and sharing my concerns by stating oout - this was me, yes, but I already realized that this is of deception because of based on thoughts, feelings, emotions - and then practically finding solutions to change.
I forgive myself that I have defined myself by my self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to being directed by women by the secret hope of desire to have something what I can not have by trusting me and act immediately, but trying to manipulate and hope in order to get what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after Gy - to desire to have sex with her instead of realizing that I am desiring to fullfil to react to my own desire as definitions about what would be good instead of being here and directly experience self direction regardless to others especially girls and very specifically Gy.
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