Scripting_now

Prescription

Writing myself to freedom.

First I stop running. I am running. I have to stop. I have to stop by all what I am occupied right now. Right here. Let's see. I am occupied to sort out my financial shit. So that IS the most prominent step, I did some mistakes, and were not really mistakes, I can say it was inevitable, and there is no coincidence. I just work. I do my work, building a portal for the big company, what I work for. And as I am building that portal step by step, I deprogram myself to freedom. As I am building that game portal, I am debuilding my mind construct dependency. It is interesting that I am preparing myself to go beyond death trough leaving my body and becoming interdimensional - to become a portal. There is no coincidence, no insurance. If I see into me, I see, power, I see inevitability, I see that I am capable of anything for exposing my self-dishonesty. I see that I am still occupied with some emotions but those are specific. If I see an abusement, that could be a government stuff, animal or child or ANY abuse, I know I have to be more focus to be HERE, not allowing theese influences to separate me. My very nature is deflied with the stillnessness, with the self-stopping, until something wierd, painy or terrible not happens, and then I move myself accordingly, until apparently I do not see some kind of change, some kind of balance. BUT that balance is just my self-dishonesty. I've became the concealing nature of self-dishonesty, to cover my truth: If I stop move me, I fear. If I move myself: I cannot bear the fear, so I HAVE TO move. That is unacceptable. I am move. I am movement. Without condition. I have definied the polarity equation of the mind as me, and there is not enough just to say some I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to become the mind. That wont work. Until in every single moment I am keeping, experiencing the occupation of the mind, as my hiding, as my definitions, as my predefinied habits - until I am just here. That is tricky, because
in the future I see that point where I can be free, but as I realise now, it is more simple to just focus here and be me..and me of course want to rid off this shit what I accepted and allowed. So it is obvious. Like I am going to work, and I work, and work myself out from my money shit.
Another part is of the sex stuff. I accepted and allowed to be obsessed by seks. Like I describe it.
I have formed a sexual desire construct, to express me, but also there is a defense mechanism, about 'sex is not cool' - but this comes from the fear, about what will happen if I restart sex (what actually was never stopped, just for some months, and I did supress), I have to face with that fact: I have unresolved business with that. With those smells, touches, sleeping togethers, orgasms, and as more I escape, more I realize, once more I will grab a girl to face what I have became, and not to be a slave of that situation but being me as directive principle of me...
But in real I do not want a girlfriend anymore...Actually that is not a lie...I have this animallike desire to express myself trough sex, but I have accepted and allowed this, and now just need to stop. It is more easy to see the causes, and transcende than finding a girl and playing around with her bush literally...Masturbation. I just deny...lately I tried to see sexmovies, but that is not like before...if I am doing...it is like I am fading, I am sinking, and for some minutes I could 'enjoy' but the fact now it is obviously more visible: I just accepted and allowed to be programmed to behave like that, and I am not this...Somehow I am sure that sex is just also an expression, but actually now I just experience this desire, what is obviously my mind, and trying to release the pressure, to rejuvinate my mind consciousness system's balance. And I have to give up. I have to give up, because I am not this.
If I am aware of my breath as me, I am not getting aroused really, yes I am getting, but then I see obviously that is the mind moves, and determines, so I want to forgive myself about that...And well, if I am not aware of the breath, for a while I cant do that, mind overloads and wanting to have sex now, but then I realize oh shit I lost myself again, tala, come on...
And of course this circumstances can go around for example once or twice in a month for one-2 hours...And when I got an opportunity to touch a girl, I just found excuses and I allowed my past to influence..like the girl a bit remembers me for an exgirlfriend, so that made me a bit scary, and anyway this is just a trascendence point, but anyway I have to face. Next time if I get an opportunity to touch a girl, I will not hesitate, I will go 'back' into this kind of situation to see more clearly why and how I am participating...And I will not be shy to tell the truth, about myself, about I am not a lover anymore, just I am in this situation, and thats all, no more lie no more hideout, no more trap. I am me as life as onness and equality as all. I do not need my personality anymore, I am for giving up myself as mind definitions to be able to be here always anywhere.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to wanting to wait for a girl who will start 'get me' - to being able to not wanting to be responsible for all, to be able to 'trying being outside of that', but in truth I formed a desire what is still influences me, and actually I became this, so need to be faced, to be realized that I am not this, and need to release.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supressing sexuality.
I forgive myself I accepted and allowed myself to form that habbit about big polarity switch on once I am standing up as I can, and once I realize I am again influenced and sinked by past.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to fight.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to separate my 'standing up' from myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate me from myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to not realize that I am desiring myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to divert my desire to wanting to be me to a desire to have sex with woman.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate me from my own nature.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to be myself - instead of realizing that I am me, I am always me, I am one and equal with and as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to allow to define myself as words as pictures as definitions.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to divert my attention from me to other being's picture presentations, especially woman's asses.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to program me to be wanting a good lover.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to program me to be wanting strong.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as energy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define my possibilites trough energy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe that the resources are limited - instead of realizing that I am the source.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to program not being able to cry.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to program myself to wanting to cry.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to frustrated.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from system punishment if I share all my experiences on psychedelic drugs.
I forgive myself that I allowed myself to not being honest with people, just because of my definitions.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanted to 'wake up' Bence about the Light, and all that shit what he is in now, like relationship, alcohol, and spiritualism.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanted to wake up those who I definied as close friends.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanting friends.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for others.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wanting take responsibility for others, instead of taking self-responsibility as me as onness and equality as all.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to plan things, what I generally do, but bit late, as I still allow procastinating.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to create situation around me what I definied as I cannot speak out self-forgiveness, just because people are sleeping near of me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to not move myself without condition.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from death.

I realized much, and I am understand much, but here is the time when that need to 'be lived', not only speaked, not only writed, but to become this in every breath, in every situation.
I know that in some months I will be very stable, and I will be more effective, strange, something will happen, but I focus to be here, to be now. I am here. I am not my thoughts, I am not my feelings and I am not my emotions. I do not fear from women and I do not fear from work. I do not fear from telling everyone around me how I see the world and myself, because I am becoming the living words. And I know that I already made the choice, now I am here to understand, to walk trough it, to see, to realize, to become. To become me. But the truth that I am already me. I am already unified, just I have to realize. REALize. The REALity.