Practicality Practicality Practic all ity
When I was kid - I had some kits - construction kits - mainly of phisical experiments - levers, resistors, motors, electric magnets etc - and as I watched Nicola Tesla's life story - I realised that I enjoyed so much that just seeing the pieces and putting together spontaenously and seeing the result - within 3D - and the result was always obviously here: as my experiment did worked - the stuff did something - or just not.
And after all I got computer and I started to express myself within computer worlds - and games, and programming, and planning and installing and patching and upgrading and programming and developing and learning and knowing and programming and basically the same happend within and as my mind - from 3D I went into abstract - and fascinating to see how I divided myself from 3D - and something started with the dance, something started with the juggling, with the painting, with the music - but I decided to do this again - like getting theese stuffs and putting together - like enjoying to just express myself not only in/on computers, but more likely something what is obviously here. As I have basic knowledge of many kind of 'scientific' stuff - I do not need to think really - ok for the complicated stuffs - like tesla coils or walking robots - but I was dreaming about this for years - and of course I did not do - but why not? As this 'time' what I 'have' is not too much from the perspective of work but in fact the time is just a kind of judgemennt based of fear of not being able to experience - - and of course I see a tendency of peing particularized - like I want to make music and I have the instruments what I need (ok not all but almost) and I just do not become obsessed and possessed of it and doing and doing - -
but here is a slight(Yet) experience of I can do this - I can express myself in various ways - as I have supressed so much trough the years - so I just express express express - and just I am here and express - and let's see what will be unfolded by and as this as me as one as equal here.
And very cool experience that I wanted to find some kind of sounds for a track and still some stuff is missing, but mostly I gathered - just for a simple music track - but this one I started one and half year ago - and will be as I want - and of course it not yet designed totally - but the basic I contain - so I am slowly but surely ready to express myself and make this track to be on cd - and will be not really usual, will be not reaallly peaceful - but will be intense, expressive and very cool:)
And this stuff is very interesting - as I embrace theese polarity manifestations within me as me here - as I just do as momentary expression - but of course I can hear so I can change to be the one what I want to express - and of course the best way to not judge anything - but the technical stuff is a kind of mirror - as the quality of sound is merely very important - not because of the norms, but because of what is this about - a sound track music what is for being listened really aloud and many people and danceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
And I trust my body - as when I move my body as me have the expression about a track is cool for dance or not - and this is the infinite trust what I slowly but surely develop trough the years - and now I can trust me within and as this - because is obviously here - as I dance here - my thighs as the bass and the hand movements what I let me to express - basically be the sound as me as equal here - and this is who I am. hollalalalalala
So this is about not being obsessed with the technical and the judgement issues - but being self-honest about I express me as this music and is this who I really am or not.
Of course when it sounds just noisy or not as strong as can be - I redo and I change and I start from scratches - as I started to do many tracks but many fell - because of self-judgement - of polarity - about : is not cool enough - but I did not changed to a way to be that - because I found excuses - not cool tech stuff I have, I do not know this, I need to practise that, I need time, I need blalblblalbalba ..
no more - I am here and I am making this track alive - and I do not care about anybody I make it as I want and that's it hahahahaha
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to try to judge this writing how silly is - instead of realising that this is actually what I am one and equal with and as - I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself silly - I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my writing as silly just because of I judged the topic of writing about this music/doubts/obsticles - would be very boring or not interesting for others -
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to even think about others when I write here - instead of embracing all as me as one as equal - I do not need to hide - because within the hiding I define me trough my fear - and this is not real, this is not who I really am so I can stop here.
I am breath here
I stabilize me here as no need to think on future - no need think of past - because I am here - and I forgive myself that I hit my left pointer finger to the keyboard and having pain - of direction - for a moment - but in fact I am here and I started to expreience this more often:
I am here- hey where is my breath? here is my breath...
and is like more and more situations I can be just here - of course sometimes for moments it can be tough - as tonight came a gipsy ticket checker guy and I had no ticket and he said ok pay now or receive check - and I said none of this I take off(from tram) and I just go - and he said well this wont work, pay now or receive a bill - and I said I just go off and thats IT. and he said he come with me and I said well then I'll run and he said he can reach and I looked into his eyes and I said i do not think so and the wolfeye started and i realised hey i am here and I started to become a bit nervous about yes I saw that I can run faster because he is smaller and he was not sure and of course I did not wanted this so I just looked him until something moves inside and he just turned away and I took down and walked down from tram - so in this moment I experienced some slight fear - same as I had within the great pyramid in egypt - but I just breathed and in a minute I just did not think and breath and ate a chockolete and let it go and was interesting - 2 points came up
1 - I wanted to use this situations as a test - how I am here and how I let myself to be embarrassed with the situations what come up very rarely and spontaenously
2 - as I am experiencing that I am here - there are some points what are still hiding - and obviously the same origin of theese: fear of loss - fear of losing myself - but in fact I can not loose myself - so within and as theese situations just breath - even when a ticket checker come after me - becauase is of the society's system's control - even when ten big guys want to deskin me - theese are mind-fantasies what went into deeply indefinied and theese stuffs are influencing me to not being here --
but in fact theese are the points where I went in my mind-labirinth and by theese I can realise my dishonest walls - as I do not want to pay - I want to cheat, I want to experience adventure, risk and adrenalin for instance or playing...
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from loosing myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear of loosing my breath.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to cheat because I do not want to pay for the service what I use.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from others because they can harm me or limit my illusionaric freedom.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am untouchable.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from fast running because that would harm my feet, ankle.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use adrenaline as a tool as nervousness and defining this as joy separatedly from me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be concerned about others because I trust within other's judgement based on my onw judgements - STOP.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from confrontation of others.
I forgive myself that I acceppted and allowed myself to not stand up and just breath here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from the consequences what I caused...