Sunday, September 14, 2008

Seeksual, the sire

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to become systematic about to actually divert my attention from here breath to the sexual desire as a tool to not need to face what is here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to form a relationship with my mind and become aroused from the reactions to specific definitions as word-graphs, pictures, feelings, thoughts etc...
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress the desire to touch and manifest/maintain separation within myself trough participating with(and as) pictures.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to became a system what is obsessed to the act of defining - trough the previous definings - as how I defined joy and then how I can experience it - not realising that I actually load up pictures and I judge theese pictures and this judgement is defined as joy - and actually the act of judgement what I defined as joy: the participation within my mind as supression as joy - because I judged myself before I let myself to experience myself here.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realise that what I supress - I CONtain - I am of and I manifest - and the starting point of this is fear - because I feared from the CONsequences of expressing my sexual desire - so I judged this before I express - because of the believe that then I do not need to face with myself - STOP.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I supress I wont have to experience - because if others dont see, I can act as this is not existst within me as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to even CONsider about what others may think of me - because I did put trust into them - instead of me trust in me within me as me here in all ways.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge sexual intercourse as bad - because I feared that I could be possessed of it, just because of the memory as I did some years ago.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to embrace my past experiences, because I defined myself trough theese - let it go - let it put here and experience here as one as equal as me and just stop.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link to specific pictures the fear of having an orgasm because the intense supression what reaches the point where I can not CONtroll.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to control - because then I can hope that I wont have to face with and as my personal truth what is already here, but within the illusion of control - I can perceive this as I am directing - but in fact - within the participation of separation - I simply preCONditioned myself so it is already here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from the temptation of the mind as desire, even when I have the knowledge about that is not really who I am.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from knowledge - and by using it as a shileld to actually not LIVE but hide, to make excuses.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to express myself HERE without any judgement and just simply forgive in and as the moment what is of separation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define self-dishonesty as joy totally separatedly from me - trough the hiding behind a sexual desire to not needing to experience who I am here - because if I am aroused - I am aroused and that's it, that's all - I am limiting myself trough separating.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define separation as joy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire, to think, even for a mooment about how would be when the receptionist girl would fondle my hands - and supressing it so I dream about this.
I forgive myself that I defined fondling trough the participation within feelings - so I actually desire for experience feelings - because that would mean specific thoughts - specific supressions - specific dishonesty - and within that I could remain systematic. STOP

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to try to separate myself from here - and defining this as joy because I've became self-dishonesty - this how nasty? lol - and to the fear of letting go dishonesty - I desired to remain within the experience of desire, feelings, emotions, because then who I really am is hidden into the secluded room of my mind, of my body - STOP.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fight against my desires - and by this taking it granted, making it real - and within the participation of making this real I defined me as this kind of act - and within the fear of letting go this expression - I redefined me as who I am - absolute dishonesty: I stop.

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