[JTL Day 191] Work and timeline

This blog post is a short one.

I've walked some points recently and also noticed change within and also recognizing the returning tendency of when no facing mind-twisting problem would pull me down, I put work into motion so much as accepting this inherent program within me that 'now there is this moment of clarity, I have to push what I want as much as possible as who knows how long I will be clean of worries, fears, desires, distractions, frustrations, pains etc - and in fact by that pushing myself too much and this time for instance causing my hand to have some serious pain again. It relates to how I hold my shoulder, in fact how I approach doing things within my mind and already faced it extensively and then it ended up being useless for months and now similar pattern emerging I have the opportunity to see what I exactly do and how to stop it, so this is I am busy with while trying to figure out the best ratio of working and resting within body-respecting self-honesty.

And within that realizing that this tendency of wanting to rush with things is not considering consistency, health, practical sustainability, in fact because of fear of losing myself and not realizing this is still of fear - just on an other level.

The human mind has so many layers, only with diligent, constant, consistent, cross-referencing self-honest practical accumulation can recognize the patterns of self-limitation, self-sabotage and ignorance for all others as all as equal as one.

There is this very cool article on FALLING by Marlen (and all of her writings!!!) which in fact is in context with this:
http://marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com/2014/06/27/406-the-fall-in-process/

I commit myself to give myself the recognition that I do in fact change thus not need to fear from losing myself again, to fear from falling, to fear from failing, to fear from not being able to do what I want, my works within consistency, a way within I can sustain my health and inner and outer equilibrium within absolute self-honesty while facing the layers of my mind, the self-dishonesty within myself and the world and one breath at a time stop, re-align and practically change.

I recognize that with scheduling and respecting my decision and trusting myself that in fact I can figure out what scheduling with I can nurture and enjoy myself in all aspects of myself equally, I can become more effective, directive and consistent.

Making the Journey to Life timeline here in this page is quite specific: seeing my life, my direction, my commitment to this one point of - blogging - how I was able to in fact do - that's why facts are cool - and that is why the one seeks truth and justice and realization must embrace all facts here and align SELF with facts first, then recognize the self-responsibility for all what is here.
By seeing the months I've wrote, seeing when not - it is a direct self-facing: if I decide something and then not doing it - what reactions come up? Is that justification or excuse? Am I really the directive power in my life or some patterns in my mind I give permission to tell me who I am, what limits shall I accept? How I can be so sure this point is my limit if I did not give everything to push it before? Obviously common sense is suggested, it's not about trying to kill myself, just investigating what patterns I've got as apparently myself while in fact it was just taught, programmed - from family, school, the system...Also recognizing when my mind seems to have this inflated state of persuasion with reactions all the time - and resulting to one fact: not writing when I've committed myself and when that day is done is done - for that the timeline is also supporting. Obviously not to take seriously and judge myself, just to learn and know myself in order to stop the thoughts because then I really know who I am, no need to think, but express, learn, change, expand and share and in fact be able to be consistent and responsible without any reason but because this is who I am as life.

http://talamon.blogspot.com/p/timeline.html



Also meanwhile there is this very cool collection of self-supportive writings:
http://newsletter.desteni.org/letters/221-desteni-newsletter-june-26-2014

[JTL 69] Self-forgiveness: workplace part 1

Problem:
This came up while working on my regular Agreement Course assignment so walking about this today here:
I have inner reactions at workplace regarding to money and people when I am not pushing I do not experience presence but inner reactions arise what is kind of automatic and I follow/allow/suppress/distract.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/judge that I go into workplace every weekday only for money meanwhile if the money would be the most important, then I would really focus on researching/experimenting/working on expanding my income within self-direction and specificity.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to my current workplace and by that I use the polarity to not realize that in fact I've been attached to the place, people, my habits according to that meanwhile what is my starting point is to make money but I did not push, actually not pushing that as self-direction therefore a frustration I experience what I balance with the judgment that I am there only for the money and to not actually look and experience what I am doing there because then I would see that in fact I am there because of self-judgment of pleasantness, of fear from losing what I have and fear from change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want different job but fearing that I can not pay my regular bills towards to my commitments I've defined it is the default and without workplace I can not have money for that therefore I must stay at workplace and not realizing that I can change workplace MEANWHILE having job and salary continuously if I act accordingly within common sense, self-consistency and self-will based on motivating myself to keep up income and expand meanwhile still considering my interest in terms of what kind of job I would actually enjoy and do without complaining.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I could be great leader meanwhile not doing it but whenever I think it I consider that I could be good but when I am being offered as senior or directing others position I complain, I pull back or even when i see the opportunity to direct and take lead or start something what with others can join within my direction - I hesitate, I procrastinate, I want to plan it more and more within the fear that I might fail and not realizing that I can expand within learning from mistakes but until I do not move, I will remain just as like I am here - considering, yet not acting and exploring, changing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being rude and raw with others within directing myself and do what I want because I use the excuse and justification that if I do what is my interest - regardless of what is it - I will make others have pain and uncomfortable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from pushing others out of their comfort zones within the self-interest of not wanting to be pushed from my own comfort zones and believing that then it is enough to get what I want and in fact not really wanting this but fearing from not being accepted if I do so and I want to have and use people but fearing if I do not consider their comfort, they will not work with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my relationships with co-workers as not deep because at any time I can leave or they can leave the company and then handling it as just like on a road trip - I meet with them, we talk, and that's it, but refusing their invitations to party, to collaborate, to be friendly and using excuses that I do not have time, only when my interest is great within what they offer for instance filming something what I find interesting, usable, nice, rare etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge co-workers in terms of how they are limited and programmed and not realizing that in the moment of judgment projection I am being exposed as self-dishonest to myself by the perceived separation created by myself within the excuse of 'them' and not reflecting that back to myself who is the origin and the source of that judgment.
I forgive myself that I have not been self-honest with myself and with my co-workers, my senior in terms of how I enjoy working within what tempo and how I am effective and how difficult is when I do follow their rhythm and meanwhile not even considering to investigate my reactions, tiredness but accepting it as limitation and try to avoid it - and not using common sense about what is real and what is the most practical way to be effective and sharing it and stopping fear.
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think over and over again that I should use my abilities more practically for more money and for more important and more interesting thing that working for pennies for this company and then thinking like a 'balancing out' as well as 'I have to be careful to not lose consistent income for my regular commitments with money' meanwhile I participate within self-judgment, fear, hope and not realizing that I am polarized and from one extreme I go to an other and only within mind meanwhile I am not here, I do not change anything physically but swirling within conflicts through and as thoughts of what I should or should not do and not considering that what I think is not real, not relevant, is of and as my past as mold of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like and think as 'I feel like choked in the office as there is no air and my eyes become sore' yet I want to wait and hope for this to be solved and since a long while it does not therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the energetic temptation of hope and procrastination for not needing to change, to face unknown but suppress what I feel yet accept and not direct within common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that colleagues are cool yet they are not here to expand limits and their minds and therefore I can not really speak about these things with them - meanwhile not realizing that I mix up within projection by judging them, and projecting my experience towards them and then defining them by that and then limiting myself how to express myself with them based on my judgment what is self-dishonesty hidden.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the guys at workplace sometimes think that I am crazy and strange and weird because I change habits fast meanwhile they seem to behave always the same way what makes me wonder how they do and why- meanwhile I project self-judgments towards them and by that I experience themselves believing that I know what I see however I only see myself as not reflecting back all judgments towards myself and stop and directly experience them undefined as they are because in the moment of judgment I hide from self-judgment and not realizing that the very act of self-judgment projected to others is in fact a hideout from how I see and why I see myself in a way what I do not want to face, change, transcend, let go.

to be continued...

Visiting Desteni Farm

I am speaking about visiting Desteni Farm. For one month I visited Desteni farm for Self Assistance and Structural Resonant Alignment Course to be directly Here as the farm and assist myself as others as the Starting Point of Stopping. Okay.
So I was visiting the farm and I was with the beings at the farm and what I realized that the beings at the farm are quite directive, they are not the same kind of people as I am facing with in the city, where I live at the moment. These people are not bullshitting much, these people are directing themselves and facing themselves - yet they're in the Process of Self Realization and Stopping. I was able to discuss with the beings - basically with any being at the farm about points directly and we could assist each other directly physically speak, and a fascinating point that I made quite a lot of physical expressions as working outside, working on field, working in the dump-yard, working with horses, also like building house base, cement mixing, picking up the grass, things like this and I enjoyed it because it was like directly physically and I had nothing to think and I had nothing to worry and I had nothing to fear, I was simply doing the job as physical expression and when points came up I was able to see it and I was able to stop it and fascinating point is that I was able to see people within agreements and how they express and how they stand and how they communicate and beings also how direct themselves within situations and how script themselves up to situations, to be able to remain silent, to be able to stand and also the Structural Resonance Alignment as we were making Pie Charts and Mind Constructs and how we start to reveal our systematic manifestations and how we operate as a system and how can we dissolve into parts what we can face and how we can assist and support ourselves through muscle communication to directly communicate with and as Substance within the starting point of Self Honesty as the process of starting(stopping lol).
And the fascinating point was after some days I was already able to see the difference within myself as my expression as my walkings became more quite, my expression became more direct and also I was speaking with Resonances; within the discussion series of resonances my past through my human relationship was discussed quite in details what is being actually busy shared at the DesteniProductions channel and it was fascinating how we ended with the practical solution to how I can change the inner process to an outside expression to stand one and equal outside and inside, it was fascinating to how everything what I experience is still of my past, what I tried to escape many times, but fascinatingly it came back always, it is within myself, within my Resonances, I am still creating and manifesting my past until I Face the Points, and I direct and I stop and I express the Self Correcting Application as the starting point of Self Honesty and Self Forgiveness.
So this kind of practical assistance is really assisting for any being but first one self must stand within the Realization and the Decision that I am who I am as what I've accepted and allowed myself to became but "I do not accept myself as this", "I must stand and I must find practical solutions and I must investigate my life within self honesty without any excuse or compromise" because one Self Definition Point as one point of Self Dishonesty within myself is enough to remain Self Accepted as Mind Consciousness System as Limitation as Suppression and this is simply Self Responsibility what each being must Face and Transcend Here within the Physical. Because Here in the Physical we are directly facing the accepted and allowed nature of ourselves.
So the process is here. One is Participating Directly and Facing the points as Self Facing Here or the points will come as the Manifested Compounded Consequences.
Alright, thanks, enjoy.

The cost is lost

I do not see the cost as all are the same: no matter...
Interesting to see how I am waving, as I defined theese cycles of a conditional awareness rate, about how I am allowing myself to stop and as I stop, I start to sink, and after a while, I realize, shit I am sinking, better to move... But maybe this sinking is not enough. I have to locate myself as silence. Every moment, when I am not silence, I am not here, but somewhere else as knowledge as self-dishonesty.
Interesting to see how much layers I have as system...as some months ago I was like oh now I see more clearly when I am silent, but now I just see noo..and probably this is also not really silence...but as I still have the tendency to move myself conditionally, as the past influences - I am a bit like as a delayed remote-controlled construct. Like if I want something, I do the 'decidements', and I 'state out' about I am this...and that maybe happen at the moment, but if not, just I am preprogramming myself to at the next 'quite aware' moment to do that..And apparently seems to be like spontaenous, but I know, that is not yet that...
And that is even not scripting, more likely a sneaky procrastinating...but interesting, as it is also conditional...obviously I want to move myself and go deeper and deeper to see the core of my not-hereness and be one and equal with the situation to be able to direct to simply stop.
But that would mean that there are more 'areas' - situations in and as me what are still in hidden - secret - as self-dishonest I am about I do not see, I do not understoot, I do not embraced, I did not forgive, and at the moment simply I am not aware...
But. The sexuality is big issue, and I can say I now transcended, but this is the influence of my system...I see the core, and if my mind looks like moving to a direction of a probably sexual object - I just do self-forgiveness, and say/whisper some corrective statements...theese are still just placements and not exact silence self movements...BUT...
I am transcribing Jack's interviews about Locating your power as silence and changing
and expanding. And this is what is now very assisting me, to locate the silence as me.
Today I rewatched Hitler's(Mykey) videos and he is really touches me, as I did some definitions about him when I first watched his videos, about he is similar than me and that was about to do this statements about I do not accept anything less then life as oneness and equality, no matter the cost, I have no compassion with systems...And now as i see that was a bit like powerless definition about because I did not see the power in me, I had to define this, to be able to do what is necessary to do - as stopping drugs, sexual obsessions etc...
And sometimes I use this Hitler expression but people of course do not understand and sometimes even get afraid about that Tala went insance. But I mean this innocence what he mentioned, about I can remember(ok that is also means nothing in this construct, but) I was in nature when I was a kid and I enjoyed and I was alone and never was like I need somebody or something, just walking, runing, touching lying in the green and seeing clouds, and today saw again from my blanket the clouds on the sky and for some moments I did and realized that is an expression of me as I watch the clouds and no more and I separated myself from the clouds, trough accepted fear...not realizing that I am one and equal with all. With all!
And now I just let influenced myself trough theese information systems about that is the right, that is not possible, and that is necessary, and no choice, and I accepted and when something intense happened, I used theese to do this mind-shit to supress the anxiety what came up when the world just didnt let me express myself unconditionally, and I fell and I was afraid and definitions definitions definitions, and I defined so much as after I even forget that I am not theese definitions, but I am the directive principle...
And of course I was lying on the blanket just because I did the consciousness video and the computer is slow and I couldnt use that properly when it is processing video, so conditionally I was just lying and clouds....
But I remember also when I was in nature with psychedelics, that was the most favourite act of me just breath and not separating myself from nature...but also that was conditional, and all what I allowed that my definition fuzzy systems, what I built up to be able to hide as normal guy about I am not shit scared about this world, I am not totally schrizophrenic about I do not love anybody and I do not like to be with people, or if I do that has a cause...
This love stuff I never understood, and even now that always was just possession and about sex and status symbolism, about I am the man, I have woman, my own woman, and if my mind is like shitting really, I have possibility trough her(as I was extensively expressive in sex and the girl of course wanted to do sex with me) I had the ability to rejuvenate my mind to be able to hide more, to be able to not focusing to the real facts, what happened in my childhood, and what are the transcendence points what are still waiting for me...
So now I am very greatful about I could dig down to the fact about why I needed sex, and now much easier to embrace this accepted dependancy and need for charge out/recharge my mind consciousness system...
And yesterday night I was at the concert where my living mate did concert and I cammed almost the whole event and this was a very snob place and many 'strange rich' people were, and that was a bit like temptation and of course was very cool about I didnt cared with girls, but not like before, about I do not care about girls, because I am on drugs, I am now transcending, and I am now giving up and I am proud of this...no that was more likely as a kid, just not really concerning about why the fuck do I need that shit, because I am really on facing with myself to be with and as myself unconditionally...and of course there were some moments when really kinky chicks were so close me, and I could play with my attention about focusing to my body more likely as how I am moving, than how beautyfulled formed beings were around...and when I went to toilet, I just experienced about I am doing self-forgiveness as the situation...that was a bit unconditional, but not totally..and of course I was -am- not absolutely self-honest as I went to this place but I do not define or if yes I forgive myself.
So this returning to innocence is not only possible, but it is here...just have to realize it in and as the silent moment, to walk it as me as oneness and equality...
And one more about sexuality, just to not being triggered by the system influencing, about anything, and the simplicity is always here, about being aware Am I this? Because that is very cool realization, about anything..like sexual or any events, possibilities, choices...Am I this sexual desire what wants to start to move in to me...and recently I immediately started to see: NO. I am not this.. So why should I participate, if I am not this..And with "friend" also I am like this.. Am I this what they dare me to participate, like watch this, go there, pubbing there etc..if I am not this, why should I do? I am me. Now I very often just do not want to go..because in general I choose to fabricate videos, or typing...or bycicling...I do not care what will happen, if I choose this, or that, but now I choose the silence of me...
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the word friend as "" quoted, not realizing what that means...
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fearing loosing everyting.

And some self-forgiveness, what was a draft here but now I see I didnt posted ( wanted to continue, but didnt happened, so here)

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to be controlled and directed in this society of consciousness.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to be programmed to not to face with me as myself in and as the infinite moment of life of oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear about I am not well good enough in my work when I cant do my job because of the apparently outer conditions emerge and comphound -- not realizing that I have accepted and allowed to manifest trough my own participation and only will fade and disappear when I transcend it by facing, and moving through by myself again and again until I grasp it.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to be frustrated when I could not advance in my task at workplace, just because of technical problems occured what simply I cannot fix in one moment.
I forigve myself that I accepted and allowed to fear from being judged in my work about I am slow trough my accepted participation from my previous workplace. I am moving trough this, trough being here and moving myself accordingly because this is my work and noone else will do it for myself as myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I separated myself from my work.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to judge my actual sleeping-awakening expression, especially about at night I am falling asleep around midnight, and around 4-5 I wake up, if I do not choose simply just stand up as I wake up, and until I am going to work already getting sleepy again, and after lunch also especially when I do not have (t0) work.
I forgive myself that I havent realized that tiredness is just simply my not wanting to do it so I found excuses to be not here enjoying me as me as work as one as equal, but trough definitions I am separated and by this I am limited, I am determined, what I do not accept anymore.