Interesting to see how I am waving, as I defined theese cycles of a conditional awareness rate, about how I am allowing myself to stop and as I stop, I start to sink, and after a while, I realize, shit I am sinking, better to move... But maybe this sinking is not enough. I have to locate myself as silence. Every moment, when I am not silence, I am not here, but somewhere else as knowledge as self-dishonesty.
Interesting to see how much layers I have as system...as some months ago I was like oh now I see more clearly when I am silent, but now I just see noo..and probably this is also not really silence...but as I still have the tendency to move myself conditionally, as the past influences - I am a bit like as a delayed remote-controlled construct. Like if I want something, I do the 'decidements', and I 'state out' about I am this...and that maybe happen at the moment, but if not, just I am preprogramming myself to at the next 'quite aware' moment to do that..And apparently seems to be like spontaenous, but I know, that is not yet that...
And that is even not scripting, more likely a sneaky procrastinating...but interesting, as it is also conditional...obviously I want to move myself and go deeper and deeper to see the core of my not-hereness and be one and equal with the situation to be able to direct to simply stop.
But that would mean that there are more 'areas' - situations in and as me what are still in hidden - secret - as self-dishonest I am about I do not see, I do not understoot, I do not embraced, I did not forgive, and at the moment simply I am not aware...
But. The sexuality is big issue, and I can say I now transcended, but this is the influence of my system...I see the core, and if my mind looks like moving to a direction of a probably sexual object - I just do self-forgiveness, and say/whisper some corrective statements...theese are still just placements and not exact silence self movements...BUT...
I am transcribing Jack's interviews about Locating your power as silence and changing
and expanding. And this is what is now very assisting me, to locate the silence as me.
Today I rewatched Hitler's(Mykey) videos and he is really touches me, as I did some definitions about him when I first watched his videos, about he is similar than me and that was about to do this statements about I do not accept anything less then life as oneness and equality, no matter the cost, I have no compassion with systems...And now as i see that was a bit like powerless definition about because I did not see the power in me, I had to define this, to be able to do what is necessary to do - as stopping drugs, sexual obsessions etc...
And sometimes I use this Hitler expression but people of course do not understand and sometimes even get afraid about that Tala went insance. But I mean this innocence what he mentioned, about I can remember(ok that is also means nothing in this construct, but) I was in nature when I was a kid and I enjoyed and I was alone and never was like I need somebody or something, just walking, runing, touching lying in the green and seeing clouds, and today saw again from my blanket the clouds on the sky and for some moments I did and realized that is an expression of me as I watch the clouds and no more and I separated myself from the clouds, trough accepted fear...not realizing that I am one and equal with all. With all!
And now I just let influenced myself trough theese information systems about that is the right, that is not possible, and that is necessary, and no choice, and I accepted and when something intense happened, I used theese to do this mind-shit to supress the anxiety what came up when the world just didnt let me express myself unconditionally, and I fell and I was afraid and definitions definitions definitions, and I defined so much as after I even forget that I am not theese definitions, but I am the directive principle...
And of course I was lying on the blanket just because I did the consciousness video and the computer is slow and I couldnt use that properly when it is processing video, so conditionally I was just lying and clouds....
But I remember also when I was in nature with psychedelics, that was the most favourite act of me just breath and not separating myself from nature...but also that was conditional, and all what I allowed that my definition fuzzy systems, what I built up to be able to hide as normal guy about I am not shit scared about this world, I am not totally schrizophrenic about I do not love anybody and I do not like to be with people, or if I do that has a cause...
This love stuff I never understood, and even now that always was just possession and about sex and status symbolism, about I am the man, I have woman, my own woman, and if my mind is like shitting really, I have possibility trough her(as I was extensively expressive in sex and the girl of course wanted to do sex with me) I had the ability to rejuvenate my mind to be able to hide more, to be able to not focusing to the real facts, what happened in my childhood, and what are the transcendence points what are still waiting for me...
So now I am very greatful about I could dig down to the fact about why I needed sex, and now much easier to embrace this accepted dependancy and need for charge out/recharge my mind consciousness system...
And yesterday night I was at the concert where my living mate did concert and I cammed almost the whole event and this was a very snob place and many 'strange rich' people were, and that was a bit like temptation and of course was very cool about I didnt cared with girls, but not like before, about I do not care about girls, because I am on drugs, I am now transcending, and I am now giving up and I am proud of this...no that was more likely as a kid, just not really concerning about why the fuck do I need that shit, because I am really on facing with myself to be with and as myself unconditionally...and of course there were some moments when really kinky chicks were so close me, and I could play with my attention about focusing to my body more likely as how I am moving, than how beautyfulled formed beings were around...and when I went to toilet, I just experienced about I am doing self-forgiveness as the situation...that was a bit unconditional, but not totally..and of course I was -am- not absolutely self-honest as I went to this place but I do not define or if yes I forgive myself.
So this returning to innocence is not only possible, but it is here...just have to realize it in and as the silent moment, to walk it as me as oneness and equality...
And one more about sexuality, just to not being triggered by the system influencing, about anything, and the simplicity is always here, about being aware Am I this? Because that is very cool realization, about anything..like sexual or any events, possibilities, choices...Am I this sexual desire what wants to start to move in to me...and recently I immediately started to see: NO. I am not this.. So why should I participate, if I am not this..And with "friend" also I am like this.. Am I this what they dare me to participate, like watch this, go there, pubbing there etc..if I am not this, why should I do? I am me. Now I very often just do not want to go..because in general I choose to fabricate videos, or typing...or bycicling...I do not care what will happen, if I choose this, or that, but now I choose the silence of me...
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the word friend as "" quoted, not realizing what that means...
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fearing loosing everyting.
And some self-forgiveness, what was a draft here but now I see I didnt posted ( wanted to continue, but didnt happened, so here)
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to be controlled and directed in this society of consciousness.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to be programmed to not to face with me as myself in and as the infinite moment of life of oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear about I am not well good enough in my work when I cant do my job because of the apparently outer conditions emerge and comphound -- not realizing that I have accepted and allowed to manifest trough my own participation and only will fade and disappear when I transcend it by facing, and moving through by myself again and again until I grasp it.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to be frustrated when I could not advance in my task at workplace, just because of technical problems occured what simply I cannot fix in one moment.
I forigve myself that I accepted and allowed to fear from being judged in my work about I am slow trough my accepted participation from my previous workplace. I am moving trough this, trough being here and moving myself accordingly because this is my work and noone else will do it for myself as myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I separated myself from my work.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to judge my actual sleeping-awakening expression, especially about at night I am falling asleep around midnight, and around 4-5 I wake up, if I do not choose simply just stand up as I wake up, and until I am going to work already getting sleepy again, and after lunch also especially when I do not have (t0) work.
I forgive myself that I havent realized that tiredness is just simply my not wanting to do it so I found excuses to be not here enjoying me as me as work as one as equal, but trough definitions I am separated and by this I am limited, I am determined, what I do not accept anymore.
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