Sunday, April 13, 2008

Drug SYStem -alcolhol, sex, drugs

Drug systems are the very manifestation our nature what we became trough our acceptance and allowance. I always knew that this word is abused extensively. But I needed to quit totally, absolutely to understand this as it is - as I am as I've became trough drugs and all related things.
I started with alcohol at the university. I never wanted to drink really, just because I was the system what my mother implanted into me(and now I have to accept her opinion) about if I drink, I will end up as my father, who became a totally lost, lonely, sick, schrisophrenic alcoholist who just died as he fell into a pit with full of water/mud. So that was a quite intense example what could do the alcohol in that time(around the age of 18-19, when I started to drink), so that was a time until I tried...At the university almost all roommates(we were 10) drunk extensively, as almost every day, and soon I joined into this, and the interesting part was to be able to speak, to express myself, but in that time of course I didnt realized, in the drunky state not I speak, but the system of me in me as me, and as I identified myself with my mind consciousness system - I was quite happy about by alcohol I- as system- becoming more expressive, less inhibited, less fearful - apparently.
So I did, slowly but surely I learnt to womit well, the combinations and all that shit what people in general learn about this, and the smoky airless crowded pubs, the silly and meaningless conversations and all that shit...
After as C(my exwife when we firtst met) she realized I can not speak really but if I drink some alcohol - that would make me more expressive, so that was the first drug addiction in my life - not only just for boost my system to be able to stand in the bigger system, but to be able to response, interact and trying to persuade girls about I am the man and not the scary boy who cant even look into girl's eyes or speak...But by the drug of alcohol I could...
After all when C. just didnt wanted to be with me all the time I used alcohol to try to divert my attention from the fact that I am worthless as she does not want me..
And - as my roommates also - I've became real alcohol addict, I drunk 2-3 bottles of wine before we went out into the city and after all the center of my back started to hurt REALLY, and at that point the only way was to handle it by alcohol, but needed MUCH. So I drunk, and after a while, the wine was not so effective, so I've changed to short drinks, mostly gin with beer...
And that worked for a while...And after that

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