Sunday, April 27, 2008

Where should I start? II.


START TO STOP - to be able to realize the inevitability of STOP.

Put the question:

Am I ready right here, right now, at this moment to remain in and as infinity as who I am now?
Because there is no more than this moment. And if in and as this moment me - as my starting point, as my deepest expression is not as what I would like to be infinitely - than that means something should change in and as me - because there is no more than this moment. And the next moment is also this moment - as the moment is always one and equal with and as self as all.
So the question is what can be answered trough self-expression in and as every single moment:
Who am I infinitely?

This fear thing also another topic but related to this inifinity.
Would be ANY kind of situation what would make me fear? If yes - that would mean I still grab something...and that would mean something still binds me into this limited existence - that would mean something I havent realized yet, but it is already here, just coming to realization - to be able to face - to be able to see, understand, forgive, embrace that what I feared nothing else than myself - but even not myself, only just an 'imagined' presentation of myself what I project/reflect back to my own eyes about me and I decided to not bear it, so the separation just started and comphounded, manifested and now it is all around.

The self-forgiveness is the only thing what I can trust as me as my self-honest self-forgiveness assists me to give up everything what I am not in truth - and as I am doing - apparently I am loosing everything. Yes everything. Even the closest 'friends' who are just decided to not really walk trough this fear-wall -- remaining in and as some definitions about that's bullshit, impossible, and lie. But I have nothing to say. I am getting into this loosing all and I wont stop until I have anything what makes my mind move. I do not care about time, I do not care about space, I do not care about even the rules or the law.
This is not about this world, and yes I am life, yes I am breath but I am ALL life as one and equal, not this person who apparently I am - I am giving up this personality as I was never this really totally - just I believed, just I decided to hide, but now I am seeing, I am getting ready to let it go as understanding why and how I needed to realize who I am really as the breath as me, as the moment as me.

I start with and as the starting point about who am I and I dont go more 'forward' or 'backward'.

The stating of starting point of who am in every single moment of every single breath is here.
And I am experiencing this waving, as I am doing something, and I am just defining this starting point and forgeting about moment as me, just loosing myself in and as what I am doing - because that was the deeply predetermined, preprogrammed, pre-accepted nature of my expressions.
To move in theese behavioural patterns what I definied as myself and now influencing my breath, even supressing remaining the inner silence of my location of expression of life.

Strange to see my cycles of my life, years after years - and as I looked into people's eyes, because I couldnt do, so I did this wolf-eye, and after again I just couldnt, because I was in fear and pain, and after as I drunk alcohol, I could do again, and after all I just stopped to do because I used drugs, and the eye can expose me so I stopped to do again. And after all I realized that I like to see people's eyes - even if I am on drugz, so I did, and after all I am now transforming it as me as self-expression of moment.
As many times I had this 'problem' about facing with bypassing strangers on street, and of course, when there are hundreds, that is not a case, but for example on a long street and someone is coming. And I was dependant on 'not looking' and 'looking' and after all now just dont care - comes as comes - but as I am doing this walking expression I like to just look forward and not focusing to a point, but just seeing the whole sight as one as equal as me and just walking and breathing as one breath as my surrounding...and that is sometimes goes on for a while when I realize this is power being here and I am standing on the tram and I see all people are not here, just pictures and all are in the mind very far in past/future, and I am here and no more no less than I am within the tram with and as theese people and I do not feel anything just breathing and expressing myself as standing and being here.
And when some inner reaction comes up it is easy to do self-forgiveness - as all people are not listening, not watching. Or if some looks at me, is that really matters? Sometimes I look back into eyes, but also I do not determine about that...and in the begining was quite intense, but now I just stand and doing self-forgiveness aloud - and the whole body is resonating this i forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to always be here - and as I am saying that is the point of my self-honesty - am I this when i am saying, as am I here as this sounding as one as equal as me as the words - - or not ...and when I say something and inner reaction starts -- that should bring the inevitable intimacy of me as me as why I do not let myself to be always here?

And this big issue this computer stuff, as I am allwayz sitting front of computer, all work day, and after I am here and doing this writings, watching videos(especially the self-honesty blogz) - and many more videos about anything about nature, world or children animals etc ---

Strange this is chaotic but as I see -- if I want to sit down and 'I need to write, I could write even all day' but I dont do, just something about I would like to write but as I start all just comes out...
Like I have a big basket and all what in that just I kick it off and coming out...

I was really pissed off about some friends why they do not see the truth but now I am embracing all--- self-response-ability I let all go and I let all go what makes me concern as not being here --- as all theese are excuses what I built up on the word 'trust' to abuse my 'own' responsiblity of self-trust.
And I am very grateful about the guyz at desteni about 20-30 people who are really me as one and equal about being able to start to open all old scar(e)s, wounds to see the real cause, to heal it as self-forgiveness as self-honesty - - and I see some people are withdrawing as facing with some stuff what they dont want to open, embrace totally unconditionally - as for example there are some stuff what do not want to loose, as children, or the definition of love or etc...
And I can understand, I can see, I can accept their decision, but not participating, supporting them about what they choosed was cool..
Like some people started to do video logs on youtube and started to open and share themselves and after defining desteni as cold/unloving/fearful or anything - they just delete those videos, and showing their 'happy'/'lovely' faces and all theese shiny beauty sides are broadcasted -- as they experienced this wall what they could not walk trough easily and now just decided to give up and just justifiing self as 'they are too much'. And I can not accept this.
This is not about my own values - this is about oneness and equality as all life HERE on EARTH.
I can not care about the cost if I see the actual price what we pay for still participating, maintaining and identifying ourselves as consciousness.

And no one wants to see that this is the end. Even those who did as understood.
Noone said this is the easy part. That is getting over. But as more intense, as more comphounding as more we are facing with and as ourselves - our accepted nature.
And strange to see how much I could be occupied in theese mind-games what I used to hide behind as that is me so I do that until I can -- and now I see that is not me...
even with this attract I on torwarlds women -- there are still some who I let to occupy myself for some moments, as little cycles like some breaths, and after again 2 or three breaths and maximum in a half-one minute I can realize even with the most beautiful women that are just my definitions what I see about theese pictures...and the being is the same fearful lost programmed system as others, just the skin is more honey-like...strange...
So this sexual stuff is getting weaker and weaker and that is very assisting to see that literally everybody are occupied with this demon. And this helps me to see more them. And that helps me to see more me. And that helps me to see more them as me as one and equal.
That No woman, no cry sometimes I say and very cool to realize that seeking a woman is would be just the same as drugs, as strong medications as masturbation, as war-like computergames -- all are related to self-expression -- as my starting point was not me as life I always fell and had to embrace myself again until the point when I fell again - and I became the master of this starting to walk up to the mountain what is merely just a steepy symbol but I now can realize that I am always here the illusion of mountain makes the walk, makes the path, makes the climb and makes the fall.

I accepted and allowed some thoughts about how this would be assistable, theese loooong flowing posts about all - and maybe would be smaller but more posts...
Seems to be I am writing myself out after I write some -- so apparently need some 'wheeling up' to writing what again brings to awareness about one more of my accepted nature - this definitions about time and quantizing of taking information samples of definied system's definitions. What is merely just computerlike and if it is - it has to be very easy to stop as has to be somehow very logical, as common sense. So build up means take apart.

I had to realize that those situations, especially with those people who call me and I do not answer, or do not meet - will come back the situation will come back but more comphoundedlike, as oneness and equality with and as the situation as me as moment.
Let's see who I procrastinating about to meet: Victor the musician, Adam the musician and Tuth the musician, Kar is the psychedelic connection.
Who are I am in touch still...
-the woman who let me rent this place
-my mother and sister at country side - i asked from her some money what is necessary to give back to her(sister) --this sister will be another post totally what is necessary to be aware about
-the mexican girl who let her bags here and sometimes call me to meet and I just dont go. why - I let myself to determine her as possible sexual target and just speaking speaking -- but I can be honest with her as she is well using common sense, but as her visual presentation made me to remember my ex-girlfriend Viola, I was like -no no no -- so when she comes, I am here, I speak, but do not really participating to maintain this connection...
-one guy who sometimes came to play music together, as he is doing cool bases like hip-hop and electric bass and drums and we started to make music together but in theese times he comes rarely and will come after 2 weeks -- he left here his 2 basic synth and 2 handdrums what we use here sometimes
-the guy Bence and his girlfriend Anita who are very close to me, but eventually I do not feel this anymore as they are doing what they do and I am doing what I am doing and nothing common we have really...they sometimes call me and give some veg food and showing me some silly tv-video stuff what I even not understand why I have to see, not even why they watch;)--and she just moving to live not too far around so will see what happen.
-one guy from highschool, we sometimes meet and talk about computer stuff, and we did roleplay games before, and i stopped, he is still interested...he is who I liked so much before but now he is also very predictable, very easily understandable and this is the point what I experience with everybody around me -- all are this role-system like in a movie, or in a theater -- and they act in every moment....and sometimes it is really monstrous to see really this demon consciousness in and as theese beings who are me as one and equal... easy to see the fear, the desires, the limits of people -- and this guy also once I gave him smoke and he blew up totally and his mind just started to stopp for a moment and he became unstable fearful and scary and I used words to keep him stable(around december when I still smoked) and was no more difficult than doing my job at workplace - the question is my stability and what I want and to know the rules -- and that if I would remain this system would make me a demon also like Hitler became or Lavey but as my starting point is breath as moment as self-forgiveness as self-honesty -- as oneness and equality -- this is just also me -- I have to face this power as myself as what I am capable of and was about I was always afraid since childhood, as I knew that I should have power but I was afraid to face and become until I didnt realized the starting point of life.
Because if I wouldnt realize the starting point that power would burn me out - and I knew it and that's why I couldnt get as I even didnt wanted to realize ..was quite tricky trap...
As until I am not one and equal as beings until all assistance is merely just ego-feeding power -role game what is simply vampirism.

So what or who else?
Definetely workmates around 6-8 I am in close contact and that is interesting also but actually that is what it is.
Ah my exwife - she moved to country with the kid, and husband stayed in Budapest, and she invited me to visit them, and I would like - I was on why? And I still like to speak about what is truth, but I am getting stable about what I can give to her, especially as she is very common senseable expect some big areas what are related to her fears(of course then all, but) especially psychologic stuffz, as she finished as this kind of profession and I will show her in details how the unconscious,subconscious,conscious mind is working because she already understood and until I am here in this country I like to speak with her - even if she can focus intensely only for some minutes that are cool and very assisting to me...And of couse I like to 'play' with the 2years old kid. So why I definied her as visitable even when I have to travel some to meet -- what I obviously stopped to do for other peoples around here...hmm still brings up some stuff from past what I already quite understood but there are some 'areas' in my past what I still didnt write out and very assisting to meet to let myself open as moment...
Now I am sure that this post is well long enough to just publish.

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