But no more. I realized the law of my nature actually as a mind consciousness system. All sexual attitude what I designed, formed, built up trough thoughts and pictures -- were merely just pathetic experiments to trying to escape from the fact: that I am a slave. I am the slave of my own fear. As I was fearful when I was a little kid, I had to find out a method, how can I close those horrific fears into some secluded rooms in my mind to be able to not let me die from that. Simply it was so intense that I literally could not breath normally, I couldnt sleep, I just could not even think, just I was in an insane fear. Now yet no have idea for the cause, probably somehow that was specificly placed into me as that was necessary to make me to move accordingly to my preprogrammed lifeline in this world. And I did it. And of course I was easily controlable as everything was about my fear. And I was quite young when I met with sexuality, and that was interesting. In that time I even could not speak normally, just I pushed out some words trough my mouth, and the exact order I still cant put together, but about sexuality I have some experiences what shortly I just mention to make me remember and see the whole construct as one as equal as me to be able to see, to realize, to transcend as I am facing and directing myself as self-honesty as I am not this but my nature has this and what need to bring into awareness.
-I wrote before about the story when the other kids took me and literally grabbed my body and ran with me upon their head until i just screamed for a while, just because they shouted: "He does not know!!"- And after Carola came and took me into the toilet and showed her pussy and made her being aroused by my hand with her hand and that was strange, and I was really afraid (strange word, relly or rally but now just really..anyway..) and my attention of fear for a while diverted to her. And that was interesting. That was about some moments when I just forgot about fear...the anxiety and the excitement went up so much...when I was little kid, I could easlily feel what others felt, like I was not really separated from others, and I still have this ability but that was also the cause why I let me lost so much like as I didnt know who am I, but anyway...as she became aroused, I also became aroused and that w(hhhhaaa)as a point when my mind system boosted for a while to being able to supress my fear...and of couse I was curious...
-Grandpa obtained some videocasettes about porn and one was USA girls and that was maybe the first porn what I saw, and the other one was the Birthday girl. That shit I watched in secret, after the other kids and Carola showed her pussy but theese were specific(as all were, but the first ones in general have more effects, so) I was aroused, and I was still fearful, about they can catch me on watching that,blablalblbalbla..
-There was that guy who just came with me and we masturbated together, I was very little like ten, he was bigger, and in general I did it for him, but sometimes changed...was very strange, but I still had this ability about experiencing other as me and he was very aroused and he was apparently not afraid so I was on why not, sex seems to be more cool than living in a constant terror and horror, so sometimes we did...but not too much, as I was sure about that when mother would realize what we do, that would be shit big fall lol..
-I was very clever from the perspective of what demanded in school and I never had to force me to being able to just know - as my huge fear was very strong fuel for that, and also as I used my mind consciousness system as definitions, and pictures and informations and graphs, and shit like that, my attention just diverted again from fear..and I never had to step out from theese kind of roles in school, I had big sparkling blue eyes and I did not really spoke but than I said what needed to say to be classified as very good...no comment...So school was also a possible way to divert attention from fear...and sometimes even there I just became totally frozen from fear, for example when teacher asked and I had to say about a poemist (until 20th years I never understood-enjoyed poetry literally) and I just couldnt say anything but some I did and the teachress from there exceptionized me and I was favourite... and I brought up from them themselves somehow, and she handled me as a mother, and many other man teacher handled me like shit, even hit me and humiliated just for wanting to make me also men as their rule obsessed them and I was the one who showed them their nature what they have accepted and allowed to became...like one of them literally hit my head with his fistbones and I always had to scratch my head, was very painful..other one exactly knew that I was very inferior because my skin is totally white, and he always ordered me to take off shirt what I just hated...third one the math teacher literally hit my head into wallboard or daycare teacher gave so big slap then the ground gave the other immediately I fell like a puppet...and the list could go on but theese were merely well picked up examples to show what humanity became as the innocent kids are just standing with trust and their abusement apparently unpunishedly can rage...
For me was the same as I remember when I was alone and I was in nature, with plants and animals, for then I was not really afraid, and that was the only one what I enjoyed as innocent kid..but as I was amongst people, that was the same when they abused me or I was just around and I was fearful in my secluded mind-room and my eyes just shined silently...
-My family was also very lost, in the meaning of life was for them literally the survive, and mother was nice, and after she divorced from father(he was very scary guy and lonely, always was drunk and once he gave me his realization about we can die at any place in any time, and he lost in this one thought and that was after they divorced because he was drunk and pissed in his dreams onto mother and I also came here into this world as father was drunk and they fucked, mother was totally lost as she tried suicide but did not succeed, because a sick abuser wanted to make her marry and grandpa and grandma agreed, so she choosed death, but didnt happened and after she fell love into my father, who was very scared and lost and he drunk so much alcohol, so after a time he lost his sexual ability and also I started to be very very schrizophrenic and in that point mother left him and divorced)...So after that soon diffeent guys started to visit mother, and they in general just came did sex with her and went, and we hated with sister, because they ONEted to play as ruler, except one guy but that one was who just decided to not to come anymore..SO the whole shit why I started to write aaaaallll of this because:
when moth er did sex in the other room, my sister and me were silently listening what they did, and we never speak with each other on that, but was obvous she also couldnt sleep...and I was totally aroused, obsessed, and in those nights I was ABSOLUTELY fearful, as I was in dark, and noone moved around what could be followed as attention to focus, so I was alone with my own fear. I was alone with myself as myself. And couldnt sleep, just throbbled everything slowly and my heart was so loud that made me mad, I literally lost myself in every heartbeat and my breath was like broken, splintered, smashed trough this fear as that made me literally frozen as my mind consciousness system just manifested and abused my own phisical body extensively...
And when mother did sex in other room, that another part of me came along, I didnt experienced the wall between us, I was with and as them, I heared every slight sound of them, and all my attention was like pinchers in absolute focus and I experienced their sex in my body..I was so much like aroused, as all my part of my body was boosted up like ..you know..when you are close to orgasm and that was a regular possibility to divert my attention from my fear. From my accepted nature what I couldnt bear with and as myself.
Theese were some basic placements of my scale of my energy what were simply my own fear. What I always used, what always determined and moved me and that made me so predictable, so easily controllable and so easily I ate all kind of deceptions easily what was connected to theese kind of experiences just going until the most exteme ones as psychedelics and spiritualism to divert my attention of me and of my own fear from myself.
And that is my very nature of me, I have become this and this is what I am stopping, because I see that I am not this. I am not this. Just as simply now I wrote it down, anyone who can read also can realize it easily: I am not this.
I am nature, I am LIFE. I am breath. I am HERE.
I could write for more ten hours about this, but now just stop it by a practical solution what now I am starting to apply unconditionally to stop this madness...
As i see a woman what is merely a picture presentation of her accepted and allowed mind consciousness system in and as her, and I experience some attraction as even a slightest inner reaction, like desire, like ANY comment, thought, feeling, emotion...I simply put her into me as me as one as equal, and I apply self-forgiveness
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate me from myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire an another me separatedly.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire joy, not realizing that I am joy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to form this sexual escapism what is not me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being with me as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself not realizing that theese pictures are of the mind and all has the same nature as deception.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to being attracted to those kind of pictures as woman bodies, faces who I definied such as beautiful or exciting or ANY kind of definition.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to became a mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not being here as the totality of me as the unification of me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abuse my own breath trough this mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself that I choosed mind as the fragmentation of my breath instead of realizing that I am the oneness and equality as here as breath.
Etc etc etc...
That is the only way to rid off this shit from me, and I am not hesitating as I did not let any other chance to get this over and I give up everything easily as I realized all were merely just because of this, and I am simply not this. I know that I will be faced with transcendence points as about do I touch myself again/force me into pussy --- OR---- facing the biggest fear(what is simply fear of fear of losing the mind of fear itself) to let go everything and as I already made the choice, I know that I will not fall again..I do not accept anything less than who I am...But now not enough to state out the choice, I have to literally understand it word by word. Moment by moment. Breath by breath. Slowly but surely stop this madness, until all being as one as equal as here not manifested as life.
And it is done and it is here. I am life.
And at the end I quote from the Caribbean pirates 3 LOL this makes sense...
What is the trick in living?