I realized that is just not necessary.
Let's see how many people I hold in as inner definitions - what keeps me chained.
The guy who I did acid with. Sometimes we meet, and with his girlfriend who gave me place in her flat and everything when I just came home as a homeless moneyless hippie.
And they invite me and give me veggan food and speaking and I started to speak about what I am doing, and he just does not agree, and the girl who I definied as I like her, she agrees with me more likely, but she also never understood self-forgiveness and self-honesty...Why I am sure?
Because I am sure that one understand - starts to use, starts to live, and how to understand, how to live self-honesty as self-forgiveness? Simply do it as moment. And noone does...
Once on the psychedelic forum there was a guy, who liked the idea of self-forgiveness, and he wrote that he starts to do it and likes it, but when I explained more on that forum, about the whole enslavement how builted up, and about the portal, he just said that is very crap...Except him noone said, hey Tala, this is awesome... And until I didnt started to apply this really, it was very hard, shocking to me, about hey here is the truth and noone see...Here is the practical assistance to realize our nature, but everybody is occupied in already what do not want to give up... So I left them, I left everything, and no regret, no shame.
But there are about a handful beings who are makes me turmoil inside a bit, so I write down that to see... The common in them that they like me and all from a different perspective, they pull out different personalities from me, and I used them to built this up, and it is time to sort out...
There is 3 guy who are 'musicians'. Three of them I was with quite much time before, and now I just stopped. Why?
First guy, I sold my synth him as he owned in the last year and I said give it back, I need money, I sell it, he said, no he will buy it. Oks I gave him discount - and he paid some bills for me and gave me 50 euros, and still he has to give to me about 120euro but just refuses, and always give to me an excuse. He is quite big speaker and has big face and I liked him much as he could handle people and was never inferior as he acted but that would mean deep inside he is so anyway he just gives excuses, and since 2 months he just does not pay. And I was quite aware how I built up this construct within me about him and I procrastinated to call him, blabla, but at a point I had to always because I really did not had money even to eat, and was strange but I called him and he just sayed to me no, later, next salary etc. And once at workplace I called him and asked about money, as I waited again one more his promise day about mayhe he would call me. So when I realized he didnt called me this financial shit just comphounded and I took my cellphone I called him and asked him to pay right now(was abour a month ago) and he said some more excuses and also said "you always call me for this, is all that you?" and I said "well actually I do not care anything else just getting that fucking money, and I fed up about everyone are denying to pay". And he said "ok I see you are also getting to be a robot, so bye." I said "well ok then ciao".
So that was the last try. Why should I call him again. I explained him about I am in big shit, I wont beg. Next time he will call me:(if he will) I will say ok pay or bye. No more diverting.
As we are quite aware about ourselves about fucking big diverting gipsies we are and as I stopped smoking I stopped to follow any of my smoker friends. (He teached to drum for a while, and we traveled around some countries together and visited some communas.)
And after this call I was about some hours really pissed off like vaaaaaa and voooaaaaa. And I just couldnt work so I wrote self-forgiveness until I could focus onto moment.
And that was cool - as from the other part there is another guy who is demanding 20times more money from me to give it back and I became the slave of this situations.
BUT. I always escaped from the financial shit, like money, and bills, and barging around and dealing with money, and now I just do. Money comes money goes. And when salary comes, like I am hm quite rich for a moment(bit more than thousand of euros) but in fact after 2 days only about hundred euros I can hold - and if I look forward that wont change until autumn.
But yesterday I realized again that this is the only thing what keeps me in this situation - the money. So I just some out as I went in - get money, give it back and not being occupied, not even being tempted by the idea of escape or deny - until the point when I stand without any minus.
And today I was around in a big media market and I was walking around (bought a casette to the cam) and I saw many hitech stuffz, but as I looked into me - I even dont need those stuffz anymore. Only a laptop(this is quite old and uncapable for making videos) and a camera(this one is not mine and also using casette what is not the best to doing upload to net). No more.
But theese are still here and cool.
Also I have some unfinished business with some ex who helped me by some little amounts of money, and those will be very cool to give back, also to meet them. I am very greatful(grateful?) that I can be absolute honest with "them" without any inner reactions. And both has little kid, and I see how big changes they are in and how much they are dependent on money to be the pawn of the system to comply just because of the kids. BUT now I focus on me as me as one and equal as all.
This was the money issue.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be the slave of money.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that I was feared money.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having money.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from having money.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from money.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word: money.
I forgive myself that I accepted and alloweed myself to participate in this system with money.
I forgive myself that I allowed myself to exert anger to banks.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame banks.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to wanting to be bankrubber.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be limited, not realizing that I am the source.
Another musician guy: I made him a promise, about I will make a program what will blink the screen to specific frequencied soundwaves to make a 'relaxing program', and I just didnt do.
And sometimes he calls me and I always said: OK I will do it, but actually I even did not started, just downloaded some stuff for being able to start at any time, but never did.
And this guy is the one of the 'biggest master of electric and digital music' around here and influenced me so much about what kind of stuff I would use and he always helped and he wanted to do some stuffz with me, but I always just didnt do, and just I do not go to hime because I am do not wanting to explain about how I stopped to participate in everything what I was on before -by realizing I am simply not that...
Interesting to see... as I was really influenced with some people, I mean I totally almost lost myself - what is just not possible, but I built up a 'personality copier' mechanism, what I used to 'copy' people who I definied as 'useful for me', and as I hang with theese people, I was simply knowledge cameleon/vampire, and interesting to see now...
The third guy is also musician, he is in the psychedelic trance scene, and now he is doing very great music, I can say 'one of the bests in this world' - BUT
he knows much, very much about the systems, he is aware many things what is this system, but he lost in his inner shit, and still maintaining this conflict inside about secret societies and NWO and especially freemasons...and he is I can say a 'great being' ( anyway all are one and equal) but I had the chance to be with him on psychedelics, when I could say he had many interesting insights what I just couldnt see...as once we did acid and we were at a houseparty, and I was with other guys on acid and as saw him as he was shouting to the group who he was for in that time (like around 2 tables the people were), and he shouted that you are in my own reality, you even do not extist, you are just picture programs, heey...and now I see in that point he was quite aware about what is going on, but he is still slave of consciousness, and for example he was who showed me the sacred geometry and he is a very specific being, and sometimes I have this kind of statement about I am not ready to assist him, and that could work to other people, simply I just avoid them, like the salvia guy or 2-3 more guys who are quite I keep in my pocket about hmm when I will be more silenced, I could assist them..but that is still separation...as nothing exitsts only the moment now. As I am still grabbing theese people as cool cards in my foggy future about maybe if I will be more clear, they could understand...and there is something what is really true in this, just the starting point is not totally clear...Why I specified theese beings like they are special? - because I wanted to use them as a tool but not oneness and equality...STOP!!!
But anyway this musician guy he is the only one who with I can speak about the matrix system and he understood much, some years ago he said all his shit in honesty about he does not like himself because what he did(quite much) and last time we met his party(he is doing trance sometimes, and I visit because I like to dance on that kind, especially his music) we spoke about sacred geometry triangle demon and I started to put him into me as me and also before his girlfriend.
Once he said he got a girl from the system to keep him enslaved, and she is nice, and kind but does not really understand how we are slaves in and as this system, and anyway he spoke about her, he would like to let her go, but he is dependant of her, and strange, and I was for a while like hmm this girl is spit into our soup, but last time at this party I just put all into me as me even this girl and him and 3 of us we spoke and was very cool...And I just opened myself to this girl and she gave me suggestions and was cool...and at that time I promised this guy I will go and speak again, but in that time I just organized my time about I hadnt time, but I just printed out some desteni basic info(faq, SR, Alice Bailey, Self-forgiveness, many articles) and wrote a DVD(History of Man, Design series, Tesla, Einstein, JFK and Hitler interviews) and I just let that at his door and I left silently. Was strange but from that point I did not speak with him, and he never calls me(very poor), but I decided to not seek him until he wont call me.
He trust in me very much, and can share his knowledge to me, and I didnt wanted to abuse this kind of opportunity.
And he influenced so much also, as he showed to me the basic of the how to make good sounds via sequencers ( before I just used Reason, but even I didnt know anything) and after he showed me much...and I wanted to be also trance musician, to wanting to be on the stage and direct the show to give possibility to the people who are on psychedelic the chance to wake up and I started to script myself to that, and I prepared everything, and I know I could be very cool, but recently I just see that I am not this...Still I like this kind of most intense trance, but now I give up everything unconditionally to manifest oneness and equality as life here on earth.
And this is also a trick..like I am giving up myself to birth myself. And this is the self-honesty. Who I am what is just conditional - what is here to assist to realize myself - and who I am really?
And all of this 3 people had influenced me so much, as they showed much about music, one about drumming, other about trance and third about world/ambient stuffz and I used theese kind of 'roles' to build into my personality to just wanting to prove that I am musician also...
And now at this moment I remember that I was about this:
I realized that I HAVE TO realize myself in this very life, no other chance, but I was like, ok that is not just a moment, so I have to do something until that - even maybe I have to choose a way of expression what I am on and as that as me I am realizing myself...And I was about maybe I could be a painter, but I choosed music...And I started to hide behind this definition: I am a musician.
I was like "I have to find my relationship", and that was of course about a perfect girl who can assist and who with I can really wake up, but I was never satisfied with any girl around me about 'she really wants to wake up, unconditionally', even the buddhist girls or the antroposophic ones - apparently many of them are really shining and beautiful, but those are just the pictures - and I saw - they could occupy me but none of them would be the real one - - as I never met any, not even a girl, but anybody who really wants to give up all...
But I was in this search really...I met with many travellers, and spoke with hippies and all, but was strange...all had something what was like 'that one I would never let go' - and I also tried this, like I definied the music like that: that one what always remain... But not really...
And I separated myself from the music...I do not have to create, to learn, just let myself to express...And I am still keeping up this and I hided behind some technical barriers, about
"I do not have a good microphone, or computer, or drum, or anything" -
And I was like ok it really does not matter what I do, just the way how I do that is matters...but this whole concept was deflied since from the very begining as the starting point was not really me as one and equal as me...so all goes...
I do not need any relationship to make me believe that I can wake up...I do no need anybody.
I do not need any definition what and how or who I am.
I simply just give chance to any being about I am one and equal with and as all as life, if you do not want this now, then I cant agree with you, I cant support you - even if I have to be alone...
And literally I am doing this...only 2-3 people who call me as 'friend' to meet, and in general I just deny or even do not pick up the phone...
But I will, and I will say that I am very busy right now about writing and doing videos - as it is really the reason...
And that is very cool that I do not want to 'catch' a girl anymore - that whole construct just also was a try to divery my attention from the fact - I am facing self and nothing is more important now.
Also sometimes I am like I do not care anybody except desteni guyz, not because that is a sect - more likely the starting point...we are very busy to form a trust - based on absolute self-honesty of life of oneness and equality -- and I often show up the eye of the needle to the people who wants to be very friendlly with me (on youtube, and also IRL I starting to do this)..
and if you want to be with and as me as one as equal - prove it to yourself that you are you.
Strange..and I got many thunder about this, as I sent out some emails to 'old friends' about this, like there is 2 choice, and there is no middle way: absolute self-honesty or absolute self-dishonesty - and sounds rough but I had to use this to be able to break the chanins of 'friendship' to see who I am and who I am not.
And I got answers ' you are antichrist', 'you are nazi, worst than hitler', and ' you are sectoid', 'you are totally lost yourself' and ' you are more worst than others at desteni(??) ' etc.
So here around me noone 'went trough my eye of needle' but that is also definition - and I am aware of and now it is a placement to help me remain me, and not taking shit anymore.
Now the most important for me is to locate my silece - my location. The silence which is me.
And some cases I experience as I move but many times I am still letting my program to run.
But this is an other post.
Now focusing to theese specific beings, as other as one as equal...
Nothing to do with them, nothing to do with the separation except forgiving myself unconditionally. And when the presence of them is here, then I just express myself as inner silence, and it it not occurs, I do not say anything. But no need to wait anymore.
I am getting quite stable, as I dared to share my druggy/spiritual expreiences, and what could loose?
Very strange as I am loosing everything, I am getting myself here.
I am still waving, as theese personalities come and go and sometimes I literally see this reality as just a slideshow and I am quite aware - and sometimes I am pissing off just because of I just forgot something...
Forget- another topic, will post soon.