Tuesday, June 9, 2015

[JTL Day 228] Breath Control decomposition

Walking through all the programs of my mind in relation to control, breathing...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to think any concept, belief, definition, rule, regulation, law, habit or any judgement-based idea about how to breath, breath properly, breath appropriately, naturally and meanwhile not seeing/realizing/understanding that any knowledge and information I use in the moment here is of memory, of polarity, is of an initial experience of doubt, uncertainty, fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to completely let go the need for control, direct my breath in order to believe that this is how I must become more aware, present, powerful, responsible and in fact myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have accepted and allowed habits of going into reaction/fear/thinking state meanwhile not only disregard my physical body, presence, breath, but actually suppress it, hold back and not being intimate with myself to acknowledge the fact that I am deliberately reducing myself to not be able to live to my utmost potential simply by allowing the fear and the patterns of fear to influence, control me without being aware of how much extent I am reacting and holding myself back within what specific situations.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when I am going into anxiety, frustration reactions based on automatic judgements of I am not being able to control, direct the situation, something, myself as I want to and not realizing that I am separate from what I want to control, I want to superimpose my will to something I not fully understand yet I expect it to work as I imagined, desired and based on that having energetic reaction to my imagination, with my mind going faster than the physical timeline wherein my actual, real human body lives and moves and thus accepting myself to exist within such separation without realizing that even this very acceptance is self-dishonest and accumulates into the fear, frustration, powerlessness, automatic emotional reaction experience.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is not a technique to be here, present within breathing, wherein I want to let go the breath and work it automatically without me knowing, understanding, controlling and defining, associating letting go the control for breath, my body with letting go my direction, presence and focus, discipline and not realizing that the two are not the same and I can let go the strive for control, the fear of failure, the fear of vulnerability, the fear of mistake, the fear of loss and directly experience, not having de-fence, a judgement, energetic-reaction-based de-fence of thoughts, feelings, emotions with what I can keep myself busy and by those experiences not realizing that I am not here in and as my human physical body, as presence, as simplicity.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I wanted to control my breath in order to try to control my mind, my self, my body, because I felt that I have no control over it because of the fear experiences, the reactions, the anxiety can come in any time at any place and not realizing that these are patterns of trigger points which I can observe, write down and understand and then forgive myself for accepting and allowing to exist like that and realizing the responsibility and the opportunity to find practical ways to stop the fear, the control.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the natural ability of my human physical body, my presence, my living flesh and not trusting it, wanting to control, program it with thoughts, feelings, emotions, because giving up on myself before I could learn something within the fear of losing, falling and then accepting self-limitations, self-compromises within what I could perceive myself as more controlled, thus more prepared to have defense from fear, meaning not needing to face vulnerability, loss and not realizing that even the very starting point of how I accept myself to exist in relation to vulnerability, loss I can open up, understand and with decision and commitment stop and change to become more direct, more present, more self-honest than currently I am accepting myself to exist as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the thoughts within my head, my mind and believing that these thoughts are directly me and what these 'talk' is who I am directly and therefore taking them seriously, not questioning them and thus not questioning myself and thus not realizing that I react to my thoughts automatically based on patterns which I also react with patterns of the belief that this is who I am and everything I would experience, learn, decide would come through this mechanism, technique and also automatically having the justification that this helps me to survive, be effective in this world, system, existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how to equalize myself, my physical presence with breathing, without control, without concept, without condition, without any con and making the mistake to judge the words as problem meanwhile in fact I am the problem, not the words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to live without words, to be unworded, because feeling the need to use words to live by as unworthy and not realizing that words can be support for stability, expression as well and in fact my problem is manifested by the relationships I accept among words, my energetic reactions, memories, associations to words which until I do not open up, write down, forgive, I am not aware of, thus I am unable to recognize the patterns I live by according to these words and thus remaining limited, compromised while having the excuse that words, definitions are the reason I am reactive, lost, instead of being able to become directive, present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to delete all my personality, all my definitions of words, stop all my reactions to words with indirect interventions, intense applications, overwhelming energetic experiences and not realizing that this is not the solution, this is just attention diversion and not acknowledging the practical common sense that how in the first place I've created myself, my personality, my reactions, my expressed relationships to the specific words and thus realizing the solution to my problem: knowing, decomposing, forgiving, stopping the patterns, re-defining the words without polarity, without separation, without reaction, without energy.

I forgive myself that I have not realized how and when and what words I defined based on polarity, negative and positive, having a positive attraction and negative repulsion without exactly being aware of why.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that what are my preferences, in terms of likes, dislikes, positive and negative, also of what is proper beingness, what is not cool are based on polarity, judgement, based on an interest which has the center of myself only and thus not being able to realize the consequence I cause.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can learn to breath properly as a technique and only that I would need to be able to stop my mind, to stop my self-dishonesties, self-limitations, self-judgements and not realizing that technique can be effective, but it is not enough, it is not the solution, because then I would prefer the technique instead of trusting myself here, and thus all I would do is to create an other polarity, separation, system to live for and instead of me which is still of control, still of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense to write down and walk through the resistances to let go control completely within my very presence, physical beingness and breathing and not realizing the imagined scenarios I would fear happening, such as falling apart, not being able to behave properly, socially, which I know it's an excuse, yet at moments still participating within the resistance, thus creating friction, polarity, conflict, which then I would try to control...

So this is an interesting aspect - and see - this is still the control topic - opening up the breathing point, and I will continue in the next post...

I commit myself to walk through all my resistances, control, perceptions of breath, proper breathing within physical timeline and know myself how I accepted and allowed myself to exist as and to take responsibility and forgiving myself to really see what I do and recognize the patterns before going into the automatic reaction and be able to give myself the opportunity to stop participating and to see what is beyond reaction, fear.

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