Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Exposed: My story about women: Desires, Fears, Self-dishonesties what I STOP

My partner started to reflect back how I behave especially with women.
I write about the points what so far we've been facing.
She told me that my attitude is that I try to use each and every single opportunity to please and touch and influence women to create sexual context.
My point of view is that this is ridiculously exaggerated - and at first times she started to share with me how she experiences this - I was rejective, I reacted with neglect and even with verbal aggression.

After a few times we played this out - as somehow some specific woman tend to prefer to spend time with me wherein sharing some intimate experiences, point of views, opinions, memories etc - and indeed I've discovered some self-dishonesty points within my application. I will mark some points with a (!) what obviously I see as a point of self-compromise based on memory/fear.

My partner, S. also told me that I still can not release my first girlfriend('wife') in mind, who with I was with about almost 7-8 years ago(at least on paper we married and after about 4 years spent together - we split and divorced).
As we ended that relationship - we had issues with each other but after a while - and after 2007 as I've started Self-forgiveness, I've faced her and we met regularly until I was not satisfied with my inner reactions towards her(!).

So she me that with my first girlfriend I am still attached to and the proof is that when recently she just came back from abroad, I met with her quite soon.

So - I will write about my experiences and memories regarding to women as well and how I deceived myself with this point - how I behave with women and when and how and why I do compromise my consistence within remaining Self-honest by desires and fears.

Sometimes within this document - I write about points not directly related to 'women' - about for instance drugs, spirituality - these will make the 'story' longer but I will still remain within this 'context'.

After hearing of I am obsessed with women - the first Self-definition point what I see within me is the following:
Before I came together with my first 'real' relationship('girlfriend', 'wife', we lived together) - she rejected me for almost a year - and I did cry a LOT when my approach to come together with her obviously failed - the cry occured last time - and in that point I felt so much hurt within myself - because all my starting point was of her - and I threw away everything else as starting point and when she said that she does not neeed me - I was nothing, I was of zero, I was walking dead. And within that cry I've decided not to suffer from women anymore. Literally, it was a principle what I clearly wanted to lay down within my existence that 'because of women, I will not suffer again' - that was the last time when I did cry, about in 1999-2000. Crying as for instance mostly women and children do(! lolol) with great ease - somehow that is off.
Then she went to the US for a time and I went into depression. I started to drink heavily, punkrock concerts, stagediving, self-destruction, touching alcoholism(when reached the point of after 2-3 bottles of wine I still felt 'sober' - I've changed to short drinks for instance gin, some bitter shorts etc). Okay this was a process to reach this point but meanwhile there was an other event - what I already wrote in a blog post in about 2007 - when I was extremely sick and I had almost 42c fever for days and I almost died and I had an experience of out of body while perceiving my body and others being busy to bring down my body temperature in order to not letting me fade away. So there was this girl who was nestling me literally unconditionally, like mother or sister, Erika, she really assisted me without a blink. After deciding to remain in this world, I became better and I started to release my depression because of my unresponsed love.

Meanwhile still walking down on the hill of alcoholism, I was with a young girl who I knew from MUD(telnet-based text-multi-player roleplay game) and we married in the game then we met and we did drink alcohol and then we did sex.
I was so enthusiastic about here is a real girl who I can do sex with - I remember at the kitchen of the dormitory I was trying to lick her pussy but somehow the taste of her body was so intense, so 'raw' - that I almost did vomit - but by the strong want to have sex, I could overcome even the smell of her body what I never really liked. Not that she was stinky, but somehow that was I guess, not my 'taste' - yet mentally I was able to override this within me, so we came together. But she was 17, virgin, sometimes literally hysteric, so it was not really 'boring'. After a while we learnt how to do sex, we did it in secret from her family, but honestly - the sex thing was what pulled me into this - and yes, the other point was she adored me.

We agreed on that if one of us would not 'love' the other anymore, then we must end our relationship. But as 'love' as I 'had' that who I did cry for before - I never had - in fact I never wanted again, so it was ok, but in a way I never really 'loved' her. She was in some sort of religious high-school from me about 200 Km, she was in this black metal, black clothes thing while she hated religion and priests - and I found myself in 'distance-relationship' - we met about 2-3 days in 2 weeks for about 8 months. At the end I guess I got bored and I started to enjoy that her older sister started to show up her interest to me and my girlfriend had these jealousy frenzies what we enjoyed with her sister - but nothing happened.
In one day, I told to my girlfriend that I do not love her anymore, we should end it right now - then she was crying for long hours and I did regret that I said that, even I could be with her again if I could undo that - but there was no way back.

After that, my big love who I cried for the last time came back from US and told me that she realized, she wants me, and I was really surprised and we came together. I did not believe in her for months, I was waiting for the moment in fear when she would say that this was just an other psychological test(her 'profession'). But she wanted me so much, so it was then officially a relationship.
In a way that's why I do not take any of my 'interest' within woman seriously unless it's constant for months.(!)

So, when I was in this relationship some years ago - with my first 'love' - I never could imagine other woman with me than her - in that time I never 'felt', I never wanted to 'have' other women - however I've spent quite time with other girls at the University - many times I did drink with them, even sometimes we slept in the same bed - but I never consciously thought even the possibility to 'cheat' my partner in that time - about in 2000. I was even proud of that, that I am 'straight' in that and I liked myself for that - After about two years - there was one specific girl, who I mentioned that assisted me when I was sick, Erica - who was always very kind with me and in fact that my 'girlfriend' reacted towards her with extreme jealousy - because somehow I always referred to her as my beloved sister and my girlfried hated that - but with Erika nothing has happened really except I had this unconscious attraction towards her what I never felt to need physically experience - I really felt like she was my second 'sister'.

There were issues when she was also pulled into situations of sexual temptations - and I was jealous like hell - and with alcohol - I was really fucked up in that time - one day I remember I was literally heading the brick wall really strong to get rid of the extreme mental and emotional pain of jealousy. And it was clear that my girlfriend liked me to manipulate me with the point of other men, for instance with the ones with big muscles - as I am a thin guy - and I was enormously frustrated and developed a resonant jealousy and hate within me towards men with muscles - what years later I could release only.
My roommates from the dorm never really liked my girlfriend as they always said that she was fucking my brain but I always told them 'you never could understand this'. She was not evil, she was just screwed up by definition coming from a deeply religious family wherein she was the 'black-sheep' within the family because she did not live literally like a nun.

Many scars we gathered together what we never could directly face or discuss, not even stop - in a way, I perceived that like somehow 'I am living faster than the people around me' - I was living with my girlfriend in an apartment and I felt like I am married since 30 years - and it was really heavy. She really assisted me in a way - financially, phychologically etc... I remember before we met - I barely could speak with women - I was afraid to even look into the eye of a woman without having my face being red - and I could not directly speak. That's why alcohol she gave me to be able to speak with me. I could write a full-blown book only about that 4 years of university, but here I bring up one more important point and then I will focus onto the 'women and relationship' again:
One day she gave me a book "A rainbow of consciousness" by Feldmár Andrew.
It was about rebirth, how we are fucked by our parents, family and how with LSD, DMT we could re-experience the moment of innocence and emptyness and by pushing ourselves through birthing again - we can start over. Or at least for me this was the message and I've read that book 3 times. But in that time I never considered drugs. But that was one point what took me and my mind absorbed it without much notice. Within my relationship we did less sex already, we built up a distance between us, I did not liked that there were places within 'her life' where she never allowed me to go - for instance her drawer she hated when I even opened that and I felt like I am abused by being with her but not sharing everything unconditionally. Of course I did not need her panties, but it was a symbol - and then I screwed with her simply opening her drawer and poking her stuff and singing 'lalalalalalala' while enjoying her screaming like hell. We knew that we screwed up our 'big love' but we could not help, we wanted to end yet we did not wanted to end.

After some years, when I've finished university - I've moved to Budapest and in that time I've started to 'experiment' the so called psyhedelic drugs. For that time our relationship was already in severe trouble as we did not live together anymore(she remained in Debrecen city for a year more to finish University) and we did not speak frankly+directly and we allowed our feelings and emotions to direct us, so the end was in a way inevitable. However we married on paper for her 'green card' - and we lived together at several places. But it did not work really so we finally split.

After that - I did not even wonder about women for a while because I built up an other relationship with LSD, with mushroom, with hash etc... In a way, the stuffs blew my mind but somehow I persuaded myself that it's like with computers - I am directing, and there is absent of this social context wherein I was always lost since childhood.
With my girlfriend, our relationship was not ended in 'harmony' - we always had argues and as I remember now - I already started to watch and wonder about other women - but still never could imagine to physically express this. I've started to suppress these 'feelings' in about 2002-2003. So then we 'officially' ended our relationship and I was living alone.

After a while - I've realized that I am alone - I do not have girlfriend - so I started to define myself as 'alone' - not only as 'lonely as myself' but as 'open for women'.
However his openness excluded even the possibility for a new 'relationship' with another girl - as I made myself obviously clear about what we did with my girlfriend - was not really 'healthy' from the perspective of self-development for the long term. So I've judged relationship according to our 'just finished' relationship. Fuckedupness, pink bubble, selfishness, ego-playout, dependency, habit, hideout, pretending, self-doubt, fear are the words what come up from that point.

After that there were phases when I stopped pushing the acid like hell(mostly when literally touching the constant experiences of schizophrenia of endless mental dimensions and facing direct physical rudeness of my existence)- and in a degree in these time frames - my 'normally operating' mind melted together for being able to state out - I need woman.

So then I was able to see that I am missing woman, especially by suppressed sexual desire.
For a while I met with girls through Internet-dating sites. That was very hectic. Mostly I went to meet violently stoned, smoking one-three giant sips from the bong and then I've experienced extreme resistance to go out to the street and go into the mass transit, the subway - many times I've literally fell apart within and in a way, from some unnamed perversion, I liked this - to literally walking through this resistance step by step what came so intensely that I had to push myself physically to finally meet with 'the' girl.
In fact nothing really happened in these occasions - about 5-10 times I did this - except that the most direct ones told me that I am crazy at the utmost degree - then I realized that doing this is bullshit.

I was in the middle of my 'dark ages' when I did push psychedelics as much as I could - very rarely I came across with girls who were a bit similar to me - not only the attitude - but probably about the self-dishonesties within too.
So then specific girls somehow started to be attracted towards me - and I was almost outside from me by the drugs and my strong desire to 'fly' - and when I experienced physical touch with a girl - somehow I was almost pulled into situations where I was directed by my desires and strongly influenced by girls. Not much girls, about 2-3 I can count throughout these years.

But the meaning of this was that I've found myself to be defined by myself that "I do not run after women, they should come at me if they really want something."
And I liked that - by that self-definition I did not need to wander much within myself regarding to women - I am simply as I am and if a woman wants me, then she can fish me out of the chaos. Also it was like I am the great Tala who for women come haha shit.

So I've defined myself 'alone' - in the situation wherein I do not need to focus to one girl - but I can touch more than one if I can - but I could not - as I did not do anything for that - it was an other self-definition - that I can 'play' with multiple women as I am currently not in a relationship. It was a suppressed desire.

In fact nothing really happened - at occasions, women approached me - and almost always - I rejected them but not directly - mostly simply sneaking away when I could and then they probably got it.

But most of the time - I was so fucking busy with overwhelming my brain with acid and salvia and mushroom and hash, that probably I was not the one that women strive for within the current human system.

In that time I was already playing with tibetian buddhism - okay, how I got into that: Because I practiced Aikido and the Sensei told me that I should read Buddha - so I've read many sutras from the buddhist scriptures and at one night I was very sick and I had a dream about a foggy shining form what was saying some mystic syllabes and I felt myself miracoulously I was cured. Or at least I perceived like that - what really happened I never could clarify directly. But in that time I did not use much common sense - I was absolutely driven by my childhood prorgramming through family, school, hollywoodoo movies and my fears - so by influences from outside - I was literally directed within the Matrix by my nose.

Back there I was not able to comprehend that dream - it was something very strange, mystical and intense. However I was reading through multiple dozens of new age/spiritual/zen/buddhist books and I've found definition of a buddha aspect chenresig, the compassion form of the buddhas, and it's blahblah: om mani padme hung. So then That I identified with my dream and I was very keen to define myself to be invited by this buddha form into the Tibetan buddhism. So I started to walk into that shit without a blink.

I had one-two mates who with we've pushed our mind with the hippie drugs already within great velocity, so together we approached one of the western buddhist flagship group, the Kagyu lineage of Tibetian Buddhism, with Karmapa, Lama Ole.
I do not go into the details about that - but in that time we experienced many energetic overwhelming experiences regarding to meetings and 'lectures' and 'initiations' and ceremonies, so very soon we've joined into the 'group' and started to make ourselves familiar with the practice. Before that I've practiced the Zen sitting and watching and 'allowing the mirror of the lake to become smooth by releasing the thoughts desires feelings' but somehow these always came back when I stopped the focus on the 'inner silence' - I was able to suppress these by my enormous want to get rid of my shit - but after I stood up and walked with people again - I was lost again. I needed something else. That's why I was very opened to the Tibetan shit, that's why it attracted me because it gave me hope.

So there I've met S., my current partner - but in that time we did not come together - I've wrote about that already in some of my previous blog posts in the last years - but slowly I've started to show up the pattern of 'love' regarding to her - what I previously walked through with the conclusion of 'avoidable'.

But she was different in a way than my ex-wife - from my perspective it was one level up as her intent was apparently very similar to mine, to reach the full enlightenment and buddhahood and all of this lolness agenda.

By walking with her in Asia - we did not come together - we were such great egos that we could not yield from our stubbornness.
Once we did sex and her boyfriend was very aggressive on the skype with her and I did regret what I've done to make her cheat with me - and then she felt like fell 'between two horses' - and she was really out of control, cried and approached me with bully and wanted to force me to stay with her and I could not take self-responsibility, my pink bubble of her beauty was off and I saw her as a 'normal human' and then I was not really interested in her. Yet she was still fucked up and she was sick and I just wanted to avoid her because I could not 'process' this clearly within me. We were in the middle of our Asian tour and I've forced myself to not travel with her anymore and I was with other hippies, Italians for instance in India etc. I just smoked tons at the gathering Kumbh Mela while by taking bath in the Ganga hoping that I will get rid of my karma. OMG WTF.

I've burnt myself again with the self-fuckedupness by definition according to women. So in that phase - I've again closed myself down from this part of existence.

And there were girls (almost typed 'grills' lol) who approached me, some even directly to just try out an 'one night stand' with me but I always slipped away. The intensity with I've closed myself down sexually was remarkable.

I could not handle direct communications, I could not handle when women who I am attached to not behave the way as I imagined or wanted to - then simply I was about to leave - to not even get close to face the same points wherein I've defined myself as 'fallen' already.
Also I've faced some near-death experiences, what were physical 'accidents' wherein in one moment I was able to release all my mindshit to physically act and literally save my ass from the certain death - in those moments - I was not aware of, but it happened: I released all my spiritual desires, dishonesties, and I was moving physical without any definition. However I fell again, I did smoke again, I was off money, I was alone, I was sick, I directly experienced the metal-claws of the Matrix about how it handles the ones who are off power(money, self-will). It was rude, raw, painful and extremely awakening. I came back home to lick my wounds and recover from weight-loss. I did not consider women really, I slipped down in the pyramid of maslow to the survival-ism. Who wants to fuck when death is knocking at the door?

Then at Budapest - I had Internet at the first time at my place and as I was alone - I started to watch sex movies, I mean porn. When I was a kid - I also did that - the videotapes of my grandpa I watched and made myself extremely excited when I was about 10-14.

So then on the internet - I've watched porn and masturbated for a while. I re-approached internet-dating sites and I had not much 'success' - so then I've tried out more direct sites wherein people were about to find sex partners directly.

I felt like they are the same as the 'normal-relationship-seeking-ones' but these are with less sugar-like bullshit - wanting to find a partner who with they can have sex. That was my approach as well - and who with I will enjoy sex - it maybe can expand into a 'relationship' - but mostly I was simply driven my penis. But I never did fuck on Internet-dating.
It was too raw, too alien, too much I could have to do in order to just get what I really want - to satisfy my needs - but this was not what I wanted. I wanted REAL beings, real touch, real intimacy - even when I had no idea what is that meanwhile my desires pulled into meetings with strange women - I was always sure that it(life) is not just meet with a stranger and fuck.
So when physically I've faced these girls - not that much, about a half dozen - I did not initiate sex - once with one girl we did oral play but after that I decided not to continue that.

After that I've found Desteni Videos on Youtube - that was very new paradigm, I've never met this kind of message. So I was into that for a while. And after a while - I've realized - I am fucked way beyond I even can determine from where I am - so I must walk out from my accepted self-deception. So I started Self-Forgiveness, I started writing down what I contain as Mind Consciousness System - to see what I've accepted and allowed and what I must stop inevitably within this lifetime. Because this is not who I really am.

From that point it was obvious that I am not ready for relationship, about 2007 october - I stopped consciously seeking woman for relationship.
I started to focus on Self, first to clean up the bullshit agendas - at least the most obvious ones, drugs, spiritual/buddhist/shamanist/new age things - for long months I was very busy to literally forgive and let go of myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously participating within mantras and definitions and energetic experiences of the mind as with these systems I've shielded myself from reality as excuses anyway. As once Bernard told something like that: 'when the shit falls into the ventilator: immediately everything is full of shit' - that kind of direct experience when once can realize the Process as Self. Nowhere to go - I am every Here - so I deal with the shit.
But in the beginning the decision is real only, the physical walk must be explored.

I still participated within Internet dating - not really, but sometimes the suppressed sexual desire simply was very strong and it was like a some sort of possession - and then I was looking for a woman who is more likely for me but not really found.

Then, after 1-2 years - I realized that I am still dishonest about the desire/sex/porn/suppression/fear points - so I've accumulated a decision to a point where I was able to clearly state out that I want a real, physical woman.

Somehow I still refer woman to 'girl' as it still indicates that I am resonantly still looking for woman who is behaving like a girl for instance by starting point or by feelings - because the girl is then maybe 'irresponsible' or 'can be manipulated' - great points.
So then I was trying to persuade one-two specific girls around me that Agreement is the way, come on, what are you waiting for?

The first one was really a point what I had to understand how and why I am resonantly being attracted to women who are obviously dishonest and not really want to change but manipulate and hide behind false images.

There were some intense months, when I realized that I was walking a path wherein I am not really within the supportive environment from the perspective of Self-Honesty. That girl(here referred as 'G' - never wanted to be with me but enjoyed to play with me and I was driven by my desires and dishonesties. So then I made the decision to stop meeting with her. For months the hope lasted and when the patterns of fuckedupness came up what I already walked in the past - I realized I stepped into shit again. So I stopped that.

Then, the next girl, who I was within some sort of relationship - it was sexual at last - but that was mostly about that and we could never directly discuss points - and she apparently liked the 'idea' of Self-Forgiveness and walk as equals but in practical - never did - and I had to realize that I was hoping and sometimes I was projecting some anger towards her(!) what was because I was accepting shit within myself.

Meanwhile I visited Desteni farm - what I wanted since 2007 but I had no money, I had no way out from the current job - but I was sure that one day I will be able to go and it was so.
It was really assisting to see how these humans walk as equals at the farm and not accepting shit. Also I saw and spoke with beings within Agreement(for instance Leila and Gian, Maite and LeslieJohn) wherein they support themselves and each other as equals and face the points of Self-dishonesty within a sexual relationship - that was I wanted to try by myself. Also it was great assistance to discuss with my Resonances about how I am socially still holding onto points from specific phases of my early life wherein I am still responsible for separation regarding to my inner experiences and the world outside as manifested Self-dishonesty. I must walk from the Matrix of Perfection into the Self-Perfection.
So when I came back from the farm I was telling her that agreement is cool, we should do that but not really happened...she had still feelings towards her ex-boyfriend and I judged her as she sometimes did drink a lot of alcohol and hated herself for days then deciding not to do so again and timelooping within that. Each of occurrence of this loop - we became more and more distant.
At the end of that - when we already 'barely did sex' - this relationship faded out smoothly - and at the end she wrote an email about she found her love and she wants to be 'intimately' only with her new partner, so that's it. After that for an hour I was agry, it was fascinating to see - how I was angry at her - but in fact - I was angry at myself because I gave into the hope again - the hope that it can work, and at the end - I was angry at myself. I literally had to forgive myself to release this energetic possession what I was silently compressed, suppressed according to my fears/desires/hopes regarding to the pre-definition of 'agreement'.(!)

So then it was finished - and I had to realize that from the beginning of this relationship - I was compromised by my 'want' and 'hope' for make this to an Agreement, however my starting point was not clear, my starting point was of desire.

So then, I've decided to refine my starting point again and not to judge my 'fall' - because I was driven by ideas and not practical, physical reality.

After that I met with S. again - who I was with in Asia. So then we were about to being attracted sexually - however still I was facing with serious resistances. Resistance towards her - because of the memories what we participated within our past in Cambodia about 3-4 years ago.
These resistances were so imminent that I realized - this is a great opportunity to walk through my self-created reality what is of definitions, what is of fears, what is of assumptions.

I've noticed that she's changed. She had to change because she had a little child and by that she is more 'physical' - she has to consistently support her kiddo day by day, she can not fly away that much as she did years before - so that is really supporting for a woman and she was able to use some common sense. I've defined her that she did not change much within - but within application - yes - and we were able to discuss points what we were unable years back there.

I wanted to meet with her and deal with my shit what I've created regarding to her - at least to make sure that when I will engage into a next approach to form an agreement from relationship- I will not bring my past and I will not re-manifest my already manifested self-dishonesty.

I also noticed that I still 'contain' sexual affection towards S regardless of my fears. Probably that and the 'feel' that we screwed up before and wanted to 'correct' it - brought us together again.

I approached her about this - but I was unable to simply start a 'relationship' with her without seeing the 'end of the tunnel' - so I said to her that my plan is to leave the country in about next summer - but until that we could try this new thing what I saw people are doing at Desteni farm: Agreement. She told me that it sounds cool and she never was with a guy who with she could discuss points directly and anyways I am a bit more attractive for her than I was back there in Asia.

So we started to 'walk together' - and in fact we did not discuss points until the outmost degree, we did not stated the starting points directly, we did not lay down the basic words what we agree on, she is also not ready to share herself in her Birth Name on the internet, she was obviously not applying Self-Forgiveness since a while, so I was concerned - but as I was able to deal with her already(not as before some years ago - I was able to - or at least I persuaded myself that I am able to directly say things to her and not yield from points what are principles of myself), so then I was able to say to her that I can engage with her to try to manifest an Agreement.
And at least - sexually we do not have to wonder and participate within fantasies.


I was still meeting with the girl(G.) who I could not make a relationship with - I should refer them somehow because here I already mention a lot of woman and in fact it is quite a mess what I've created. So. G was S.'s friend and they meet quite often - also because of the buddhist agenda they participate together(the same where I met with them) - and they like each other.

So I met with G and while re-meeting with G - but already realized that not for relationship - for what then? This was a point where I could compromise myself with the point for instance: 'to face her and release the still existing self-dishonesties within me' - what I like to rephrase with ex-girlfriends(or ex-not-girlfriends) in order to meet with them. That should be investigated further more. So.

When I was meeting with S., at the beginning, G was often there - and my tendency was quite clear on the physical level - that I was still touching G more likely than S. - as in the beginning S. was of my past wherein we could not come along and she was 'more cool than' before - but I did not want to do something 'serious' with her.
But somehow when I met with G and S at the same time - all together they did not seem that 'dangerous'. Dangerous from my perspective. From the point of I could go into a frenzy about 'never wanting to have relationship with buddhist again' for instance - or 'never wanting to have a relationship with S.' - and 'never really wanting to build up a desire again towards G again - because it did not work practically'. So then somehow spending time with this two girls - I allowed myself to fall into the desire and I've manifested that physically like the following:

G likes guys wander around her and they please and excite her, verbally and physically, even a bit sexually but never going to the point of direct sex.
Touching, fondling, massaging, hugging and playing with words and just simply play around, going to party together, dancing and speaking.

At some point I was still mesmerized by her presence, by her body taste(Waist–hip ratio!), by her voice, by her attitude. And S. was also there, and I started to wonder about what if I also could play with her - as when I was with her alone - she was also opened in a way for me - and once she even stated that she could imagine to be with me and she also noted to me that she is more attracted to me since I am more directive.

So then as I've defined myself and my desires according to women - by the self-accepted definitions and informations - I started to notice that S. also wants the touch. I was high of this. I was not aware of this directly, I was not really wondering about how they really feel - I was simply using the opportunity and three of us played around, for instance did kissing together.
After that kissing - G went home, more precisely she went to meet with her new boyfriend - and I was with S..

Then we started to speak. Then we started to have sex. Then we spoke more and I've noticed that she is more stable than ever. What I noticed also that she is still holding onto the points what we faced in Cambodia 4 years ago - but I could handle it. I could speak to her directly and I could bring up points what she got. At least I perceived like that.

So then after a couple meetings together three of us - G did not show up that much - she started to fall into her usual 'very busyness' - she was lost within her tasks and duties and work and school etc - and her new boyfriend - so we did not meet that much - or if so - then we directly went to a party two of us then we spoke and did massage and dance for instance. But I noticed that my desire - my want her for sex - my strive for touching her - was not really present anymore - I started to be satisfied with S. and with our application and with my intent to introduce Agreement within our speak, within our discussion, within our application.
What was really assisting to realize - that sometimes I stil 'had' the need to please her - in fact to please myself with her - but sometimes not - and after some events - I realized the truth - that in fact it is MY DECISION - but I was not honest with myself within my applications - that always I decide what I participate within. Obviously I was not directly aware of the beginning of 'not wanting to please with G' - that in fact I decided not to - but not directly, but by the accumulation of 1+1=2. Then I realized - I can decide anything - then I can walk myself into my decision as reality - and then by walking - I can face myself - is that direct physical - or still based on energetic waves? Anyways - I stopped wondering about G as I had no desire for 'woman' - because I experienced it with S.

So it happened like that - S. sometimes noted that she is not absolutely happy about when three of us met that I was more likely focusing to G - but I said to her that if it is a problem, then say so, and then she answered that it is not a problem. At least she wanted equal attention in these times. That was the beginning of our relationship.

Probably by 'simply' 'alone' I could never imagine myself to engage into a 'relationship' with S. - but at the beginning G was here and by her 'sugarlike/cheesey/sweet/honey-like' attitude - my 'edgyness' was reduced and I was not full of walls regarding to anything about S..

So we then 'officially' came together - G I did not see for months - and I was with S..

I've noticed some points from my past what directly came up and I've allowed it. For instance I've smoked again. Yes, after 3 years no smoking, after deeply realizing how I fucked myself up with that in long term - somehow I was tempted by the stuff and then for weeks I was resisting the stuff to smoke - but in fact I made the opportunity to have some - and I lied to myself - 'for a guy who visited me from abroad' - and when that guy came and he said that 'he was full of that shit in the last months and he does not want to smoke' - the stuff remained - and then for weeks I was fighting the inevitable. I've smoked. For one-two occasions I even would not judge myself - but I did more so.
And meanwhile I was meeting with S. - with the stuff I guess I was armoring, pacing myself - or at least my ego.

At that point I was conscious about I am walking shit again - but I compromised my walk by allowing any excuse for the fact that I am walking with a partner who directly expressed that she is curious the desteni material, the self-forgiveness, the Agreement as she is fed of the sneaky bastards who she was with in the name of 'relationship' wherein she even allowed abuse by the guys. She also wanted change and it was clearly true.
In that point I did not consider her starting point - I did not consider myself within the 'shoes' of her - and I did not consider my desires and my fears according to relationship.

I did not give myself fully into that - I was 'just meeting with her' - I was 'just' speaking with her and I was 'just' having sex with her meanwhile stating to her that 'Let's manifest an Agreement' - while I did not focus onto points what came up - for instance the self-suppression by smoking when fear comes up - so I've manifested a timeloop.
Also another self-compromise point what I allowed and I must make sure I will not deceive myself by this again is the following:
-I realized I am slipping, but directly I did not FACE MYSELF to dig out immediately as moment - as I've accepted the resonant FEAR to realize the self-dishonesty what I allow within myself - so the excuse was this:
'I do not exactly know/understand/realize the 'nature' or the 'core' of this dishonesty, so I dare myself to make mistake and I trust myself, so I will learn from this shit anyways...'.(!) No comment, fascinating - this kind of dishonesty I already walked before some times and this is the first time I can write it down.

Meanwhile I was still meeting with an other woman, for my second job, at this point since one and half year - she was the one who gave the job, in a way 'principal/contractor' and I enjoyed to meet with her even regarding to the job - and I was not directly aware of she could imagine me as her partner - I did consider her and I did consider her as my possible partner for agreement - but that girl stated out several times that she wants 'family', 'love', 'house in the country', 'children' and that kind of life. And I judged that kind of way extensively - because I've came from that - or at least what people call like that and I directly experienced this as a catastrophe.

I did not initiate sex with her - but we did meet in a spa, we did huggings, fondlings, speaking about intimate things - and I was not directly clear about I do not want her - it was like I did not want to fuck with her, because it could mean I am dishonest, because I was afraid to engage her in relationship - but anything else then can occur - because as 'cheating' - I 've defined fuck only and anything else is still cool, I am still self-honest if I even excite or allure another woman.

In fact this woman in a way is that kind of programmed definition of 'beauty' within me - pure hollywood stuff - long curly dark hair, the perfect Waist–hip ratio, her voice etc - I was mesmerised by her presence and by her attention towards me. Not much that I could go into an obsession/posession, but it accumulated and influenced me.

I also noticed that much assistance I get from her - the speaking, touching with her - was like intentionally melting down the ice of walls within my mind according to face women and open up and not fear to share and express. She sent me to contact dance, to get physical within touch and explore physical equality and balance with any partner in any moment - that she walks since years, so that I've defined as very cool.

Yet I could not try to even approach her directly with the idea of we may could try to be together - and I was aware of she will not do the first step, so it was cool, I had nothing to 'fear' from walking into serious fields wherein I could fail as I did in the past. So sometimes I simply expressed myself with her regardless of desire, no urge, no mask, then I experienced this attraction towards her, then it was gone. I liked that, I experienced some 'space' within me without the direct experience of fear from 'falling into a relationship wherein I am not in directive principle'.

Meanwhile 'I came together with S' and met with this woman(girl), and(lol) also an other girl slept at my place and I also did fondling and naked sleep with her - and I fell into the desire and I toucher her - and again - I did not fuck with her - it was almost too much and with her we in fact realized it was too much - we do not do that again and this was cool - but then something 'more than touch but less than fuck' happened again.

What I realized when I started my process that all the temptations of the mind I must walk unwaving - and there is one temptation for me - here - is this temptation from women, sexual temptation - not even the sex directly - to swirl around specific pieces of skins of the body in order to electrify quick or long-term energetic rushes - it's not even about that - but how I define myself according to women. 'Of course' I've managed to manifest some sort of sexual addiction within me - but I always was aware of that death will come one day and in one blink we are no more - and also that fact that each women will almost literally rot in alive while reaching the age of 60-70-80 years - so from the perspective of 'time' - for me it was always 'easy' to release that 'obsession' with 'beautiful women' - because I blink a thousand or ten thousand more and this beautiful body will be saggy and weak, shaking and sick, ugly and stinky - so fucking what? But this idea of power and about women what with I've allowed myself to fuck myself up.
So when I Started Process in 2007 - I realized I will be tempted with women extensively and I must walk the talk of Self-honesty and one of my 'points' is of this - but this came so fast that I did not realize that I am already within this phase of being tempted even sexually by a half dozen of women.

And my partner, S. told me that she is not really hell-like about that I resonantly play alpha-male, she simply said that I am sneaking around women again and again, and at least I should take Self-responsibility about these things and these women who I give hope and then in fact not stand by and with them. Not even speaking about 'MY' 'Agreement' with her.

Meanwhile I was pushing her points what I was seeing on her - and I directly asked her to push me by my points, even by this 'obsession with women' - to get the reflection of what I physically am and of - that's why I wanted to Walk Agreement - to get the points what I can not see - what I do not want to realize by myself.

So then sometimes when she pointed out that she is experiencing that I still behave with women as I am open - regardless of her presence or her notes. It's like this constant obsession of needing to assert to myself that I am needed for women.

And meanwhile I still allowed myself to smoke - and when I was simply tired or I was not really 'up to' meeting S. - I smoked, I played with computer for instance Call of duty Black ops for some hours - then "ahh shit, it's 20:00 already, I want to face her and I simply pushed myself into rushing to 'meeting with her'" and 'just' see what will happen.

It happened like this for some times - and around this point was when I stopped vlogging blogging for some months. I wanted to do so - but I was full of self-accepted self-dishonesty.

After some time I started to be really fed up about my dishonesty - and I told this to S. - in fact I was still doing VLOGs and some writings - but I simply judged it as myself as shit and I simply deleted or considered as 'not really supportive' for sharing as I could not stand by the starting point of these expressions.

When I saw the microexpressions on my face in a vlog - what I directly could define as 'irritation', 'anger' and 'confusion' - I made the decision to stop smoking and open this up directly with my partner S. and start to write about it directly and start to accumulate Self-Will to stand up from Self-dishonesty.

At the moment I've decided to do so - I immediately experienced quite a relief - from the burden what I manifested and what I carried - but it's still within me and when I am not directly breathing HERE - it is influencing me in such a degree that I am still participating within self dishonesty.
I realized - again - that I must accumulate Self-direction, Self-will, Self-honesty by starting over from 'scratches' - no way I could remain as Infinity as I am at the moment, so I push.

Meanwhile S. was still telling me that I do look very possessed about the women point and it looks like I still fear and I still want to prove something or want to avoid direct responsibility with my current partner.

And at moments I realized something about this -refractions, glimpses - but at occasions I simply neglected it and resisted and I attacked her with my favourite point within our relationship: that she is still participating within tibetian buddhism - she is still hoping and doing absolute shit instead of acting within Self-honesty.

She was quite fed off my stuff and myself as well - and then as I was telling her that I do not accept shit for a long time, she told the same - and then I started to release this ego-shield - what I developed as excuse-system within and as my mind to not needing to realize what I am still participate within myself from the starting point of Self-dishonesty.

Then I've started to accumulate decision within my writing and investigate through writing again and again about the points and then I've noticed that she is right - and I want to have multiple women - because somehow I am not satisfied with the one - and I even remember for stating out that there are two-three women around me that all of them together if we could come along - would make the perfect relationship for me. So then that simple sacred geometry triangle information system I've defined as myself. And by that self-definition I have aligned myself with and as this information within my expressions without a blink, without even considering the women who I was 'thinking about' to - in fact - have them for me. LOL. And of course never wanting to stand with them as equals as me with taking full responsibility - so it was not really Life.

As I write this down - it is obviously not Self-Honesty within action. But to stand up for the self-created resistances what I was not even aware of - about WHY I was unable to directly face this point within myself for a long-long time.

This I've noticed already that here is my partner and there are points - HERE are points what she is directly pointing out simply by speaking about it to me - and when she is saying that this is bullshit - I at times simply neglect or am unable to do anything about in the moment - and there are year-like seconds - time stops, I am here and there is no way to go anymore and then I realize - well - there is no more running - it is exposed.

Recently we also discussed the point of fear from 'infinite' placement of self within a relationship, within an agreement. My need of wanting to 'see the end of the tunnel' is of self-definition. I must release this within Self-honesty.

If I look at the issues what I 'bring' into my current relationship - it is already reduced - I can stop some points already - because of the supporting environment of our relationship what has been started to transform into an agreement.

The sex-based occupations what are of the mind such as suppressed desires, fantasies, porn - rarely still come up but I am not giving into that, I am not participating - even when I accidentally face such things - I notice that I am here, I breath - and I must be sure that I do not accumulate any slightest inner reaction toward these kind of expressions - because then I will be possessed again.

The fear from being within a relationship - is reducing at every time we meet - by realizing that I have nothing to fear - I am the directive principle of my life - in fact accumulating self-will to place myself into the active application of 'what is best for all'.

The sexual desires towards other women, especially the ones who I mentioned, who I still meet and who even sometimes express their interest and attraction towards me even sometimes not only by 'giving attention' but sometimes sexually - I must realize that I am in an agreement wherein I stick to the words with what we agreed on to walk this process - and that is more important than some temporally occupation within sex with somebody who I did not agree with for walking as equals - however if energetic reactions would come up - I know that the definitions regarding to unknown and the hope could come up what I already realized that is of fear, that is of self-dishonesty.
I directly told the other women that I made the decision to walk with S. at this moment, I take responsibility and however I do not play monk with them(a hug for instance is ok but pleasing I must not participate within), however I do sex only with S.
I am still correcting myself by not participating within desire - at all - with any women - but 1+1=2 - accumulation and by realizing the re-location of myself by and as the principle of What is best for all - I am able to stand up for desires, I am able to walk through programmed-fear of I am not good enough and to polarize/compensate that constantly seeking for affirmations from women because I've defined my power according to beauty and women.

So that's it for now about reviewing -again- my points towards women and relationship - I stand as the process of stopping my participation within the mind.
I see that each time I write about this topic - the more I open, the more directly I share the core points within my intimacy about my self-dishonesties. And I also realized that what I did not share within my previous writing about these things before - are of self-definitions - because anything I share as I perceive myself to be - is of the mind what I've became - and if I am shy about points, if I regret points - if I still want to things keep in secret - about those points in fact I still do not want to change - that's why I do not want to expose those points.

So I keep pushing each point by sharing. This document is 'deep' enough to use it as material for Self-forgiveness, Self-corrective application.

This is part of facing my resonant fear from expressing myself constantly so I must face, realize, forgive, stop, release and let go unconditionally within constant, stable physical expression breath by breath.

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