[JTL Day 223] Decomposing Fear of Pain

Eclipse 2015 March

I continue with the personality decomposition from my last post:

• [JTL Day 222] Decomposing Personality of Fear

The point from where I continue is the state when I feel uncomfortable, pain. Recently I had a taste of it, almost all day I had a headache. I rarely have headaches, but when I do, I experience myself quite differently, mostly notable that my 'sphere of awareness' is extremely reduced, which itself makes me react already like a 'caged animal', because I got used to the experience of actively and passively noticing things around me, which gives the 'feel' of I can have options, not just 'sliding through an experience-tube' by constantly reacting things without seeing ahead.
So it's a wakefulness, a sort of alertness I 'normally' 'have'/'do', which as I see, has a part of personality and has a part of natural self-expression, which if I 'lose', I am less 'comfortable' already and the reason I write about it here is exactly the decomposition and self-honest realization of need for correction, re-alignment as it's based on fear, separation, self-interest.

I do not feel comfortable while being defined, automatically boxed into states/reactions, even if it's coming from within, because it's not practical - the moment is always blooming absolutely uniquely within each breath, so by self-automation I actually compromise myself based on a self-definition, a conviction, an idea or a fear, which the more I accepted in the past, the more I allow to be part of me without questioning, without being able to see/realize/understand it/me and be able to stop, change.

So as I wrote about energy, seriousness and personality, fear - here I add another word-dimension: PAIN.

When I do experience pain, I have the tendency to become much less open, present and my personality gets a goal to ensure to minimize and stop the pain to be able to return to the state of wakefulness.

But what are the points behind my personalities what has been defined/formed and shaped who I am today according to pain?

I walk Self-forgiveness to explore the self-definitions I've accepted to consist of to see what I have to understand/stop and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my goal, reason and purpose to stop and avoid experiencing pain, because defining that pain is bad, pain is changing me, pain is ruining me, pain is destroying me by defining that it takes all my attention, energy to itself, feeling like demanding all my beingness to give into which I do not want to because feeling like losing myself, my time, my resources, my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that when I experience pain, that it means something, when my human physical body experiences pain, it means a problem, which means requires attention and solution.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can apply common sense to ask myself what is my pain actually means and why I experience it, what would be the common sense to do in order to assist/support myself when experiencing physical pain to heal/recover.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is completely up to me to define and act upon fear of who I am and what I am going to do and even when I am in pain - I am still here and my actions still have consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as something to be feared, avoided in all cost, even if it means to realize/expose something self-dishonest/delusional because of the fear of loss, fear of unknown, fear of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge that I fear from pain because of fear of change, because fearing that if I would have pain, I would have remain within pain and within the experience of pain I am accepting and allowing myself to be reactive, self-interested, the opposite of aware and being able to consider my environment, others, which is not necessary, just it is how I've accepted and allowed myself to define as a protection mechanism personality manifestation in case of pain and fear of pain, which I can open up, understand, stop and change within consideration of myself, solution and others as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that within the experience of pain I would do something reckless, irresponsible to myself or to others what I would regret when the consequence could not be changed once I did it, therefore within the experience of pain I try to close down and suppress myself as much as possible to avoid harm and within that becoming afraid of acting irresponsibly which then I would use to fuel to be able to close myself down more and not realizing that by this the more I become automatic, reactive and in fact be able to take responsibility for myself and my surroundings and in fact be able to apply the common sense for actual solution to stop the pain and also to prevent it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately program myself, my personality, my reactions, my physical beingness to automatically choose to avoid pain, even when the pain is not great, long and rather choosing avoiding it than choosing common sense, which does not mean to abuse my human physical body, but for instance when necessary to work hard and it's consequence would be some pain to refuse it within the fear of pain and it's consequence without awareness, without consideration or common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give permission to my mind, my thoughts, feelings, emotions to always have right when it comes about to avoid pain, avoid situation of possibility for pain, and justify it with the reason of 'I should not feel pain and it is who I am'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically exclude others from my consideration when I experience pain with the justification of 'I have the right to disregard everything else but my pain and my reaction/strategy to apply for this pain' without any awareness of consequence and ability to apply common sense, overwritten by the self-automation I've defined who I am in reaction to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can remain here, present, self- and life-aware, within consideration of myself and others, consequences and manifestations even during the experience of pain, just first I should understand, decompose and stop my current personality definitions according to reactions to pain and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as something within I lose myself, within what I do not feel myself, I can't experience myself but the pain itself and not realizing that within that moment what I automated myself to do is self-separation, trying to exclude myself from the pain, the experience by creating polarity in my mind, energetic experiences and within that not seeing that in fact I separate myself from myself and within that split I lose directive principle with/on/as myself and that losing I am completely aware of and that I feel like losing myself which I do not want and never realizing the common sense to embrace myself, embrace the pain.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I fear being changed by pain then I am manifested in a way that in case of pain I will change and within fearing to lose myself who I am in regards to pain actually I manifest the experience of losing the self-definition about who I am in pain and all the while I am not fully myself but who I defined myself according to pain which was not real therefore who I act as in the meantime is also not who I really am but according to the fear and self-definition about pain, which is completely my creation.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that according to the avoidance of pain, the fear of pain I've created myself and my starting point, my personality, my reactions, my actions only within the consideration of my own interest, which I believed who I am and not realizing that I actually am existing also within the rest as well just I've accepted and allowed myself to be completely occupied with my experience, my personality about to avoid and prevent my pain in the fear of losing who I am and not seeing/realizing/understanding that within the reaction to fear I am manifesting the actual losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I activate a personality within my mind to tell me how to behave, how to react, how to feel, how to act, I fear of pain, fear of losing myself within pain, and not realizing that within focusing to this experience and physical reaction to fear I create what I participate within, thus strengthening this fear, fear of pain, fear of fear to such extent that there is no other reason exists but to justify to avoid the fear and pain, even if it's not real, not related to the current scenario I am within.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware of the thought/feeling/emotion process of convicting myself about how I react to fear, to pain and believing that I can't directly feel, experience, be this pain but needing to define/relate to/think/feel/have emotion about in order to process/to deal with because if I would absolutely and totally embrace it as this is who I am in this moment, I believed that I would lose myself or I would change to such an extent that I would again: lose myself and not realizing that what I can lose might not be me at all and within that who I perceive, think, define myself to be according to fear, pain, experiences, situations is not really who I am but what I created in order to deal with myself/what is here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to actually question and explore, realize and understand the origin of pain within my human physical body and my relationship to it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that how and when I abuse and exploit my own human physical body as life-source with the process of mind-activities and within that taking responsibility to stop the abuse of fueling mind consciousness systems within myself with the fear and my automatic reactions to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any resistance to face any fear is also a layer of self-definition of fear and it creates conflict within me which means energy, polarity, friction toward something I accepted and allowed myself to exist within relationship through and as consciousness systems based on words manifested as thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, images and never realizing that what I resist persists and the more I try to separate it from me here, the more I manifest it in and as this physical existence within the perception of separation but in fact I am always one and equal with all what is here as creator, creation and created within equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that to accept and allow systems within me separated from me being directly here is based on resistance, fear, which is of friction, conflict and the only way to take responsibility and become the directive principle of all who I am within and as existence is unification, embracing all who I am existing as today and stop participating within what is self-dishonest, based on fear, self-interest unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the practicality and common sense, effectiveness and directness of the writing/sounding/acting self-forgiveness in relation to all self-accepted relationships I exist and consist of to recognize all patterns of what is not self-honest, what is not supporting all life and simply stop participating one by one until I am free of any fear, any need of separation, any systems of self-definitions, any mind-participation.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that the process of application of self-forgiveness is the process of finding and expanding, manifesting and expressing unconditional self-trust, self-direction and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within the experience of pain I've allowed myself to be defined as the victim, prey, that I can't do anything about it so the best strategy against it is to prevent pain at all cost, even if it means to act upon this prevention at all cost, meaning only considering my interest of this prevention of pain.
-
I commit myself to stop participate within any resistance toward pain, to accept any justification and excuse for why not to face what I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest, become in order to realize/see/understand the utmost responsibility I have within embracing, stopping, changing all what is here which is not as Life as who I am as equal as one.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand in every aspect of my breathing life that there is not a single consequence I can escape from in this existence thus the common sense is to face/embrace/unify myself with all what is here as who I am and stop the mind of thoughts/feelings/emotions of self-dishonesty breath by breath within the accumulation of walking the Process of Application of Self-Forgiveness.

I commit myself to decompose all aspects of my manifested behavior which entails, contains, tainted, stimulated, influenced by fear of pain and realize that the fear from changing by facing, experiencing, embracing pain is futile within the fact that the more I separate myself from what I have allowed here in and as the physical, the more I lose directive principle thus unable to take responsibility to stop and change as myself as equal as one, therefore I commit myself to stop running and hiding from fear and within that from pain as realizing that who I am should not be defined or influenced by any fear therefore if I see it within me moving, reacting, I investigate, understand, forgive and stop myself as this self-definition, as this reaction until there is nothing here only the "I am here".

When and as I see a responsibility but I resist it because of any fear or pain, not seeing any gain or not feeling any energy by it - I motivate myself as decision, self-will, act as self-direction without any need for stimulation, gain or fear from lose, based on principled living of what is best for all with practical common sense.

When and as I fear from changing by experiencing pain, I become aware of the pattern what I used to use for avoiding the pain and becoming the personality for avoiding this pain and realizing what is the starting point of this fear, who I am as it's source and what I must be done in order to prevent further pain to cause.

When and as I experience pain, I realize that as I move toward my center of my being and excluding my reality, others - it is a pattern what I've developed by time and the same way I can decompose, stop it and become practical instead of reactive, open and directive instead of closed and reactive by acting immediately with self-trust, self-movement.

When and as I resist losing something within risking, I apply common sense and stop using the excuse of 'not wanting to be reckless and irresponsible' in order to justify fear of pain and fear of fear and trust myself to find my limits and walk through them breath by breath.

When and as I see that I am not trusting myself unconditionally, I stop and I re-align and forgive myself about everything I have in my mind and realize that all is excuse for accepting self-limitation instead of living self-direction so within that I write, sound, apply self-forgiveness unconditionally.

When and as I see that I face timelooping within facing/stopping/changing a pattern which does not support me, I ask for support, not allowing myself to get possessed by the idea of 'I must have to fight this', 'I am handling it', 'I got this' as realizing it is not about myself and within that realizing that within DesteniIProcess course and the group I can express my points to get support without any fear of judgement or separation and within that to realize that when I am able to assist and support others, it is myself who I give support to and assist to within the practical application of walking through self-separation, self-dishonest self-interest and thus re-writing, re-aligning, re-educating, re-birthing myself as life as equality and oneness in and as this human physical body.

[JTL 120] Review, Location: TV Series Mind Patterns part 7

I am walking with the TV Series, Movie influenced Mind series with a review today of where we are now before continuing further:

[JTL 114] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 1

[JTL 115] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 2

[JTL 116] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 3

[JTL 117] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 4

[JTL 118] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 5

[JTL 119] Self-correction: TV Series Mind Patterns part 6

So I was exploring some aspects of self-acceptance in regards to thoughts, feelings, emotions on the point of TV Series, Movies.

Walking through this I am more aware and already see the reaction becoming less 'loud' within towards film - the letting go of identification with energetic experience is a process what takes time - and not the intensity but the consistency is what relevant within absolute dedication.

There is no reason I am doing it from thought perspective - it is just I am doing this as it is obvious how I am becoming more and more stable within myself and the thing I am writing today about is that people think, believe that by this letting go I am less 'sensitive' or 'able to' experience things what people define as positive.
There is noting of that kind - the reason is not even the fear and detachment from the 'negative' experiences - rather than being able to slow down and stop within to a degree as self-realization that becoming aware that both polarities are of the mind - not real and beyond them is reality.
Reality is a word what has been misused so many ways, especially when used in the context of perceptional reality - through the mind each one's reality is different.

That is just a virtual reality - not direct, physical reality - but energetically induced within physical - experienced separated through and as the mind - so the human being is not here - only physically.
The person I think myself to be - I define myself as preferences, likes, dislikes, fears, desires, memories, skills, possessions, obsessions - thoughts, feelings, emotions - that is not physically here - only in the human computer. And without the energy - it is nothing.
And that energy is not direct physical energy but gained through the mind - the energetic experience, the light of the mind, the feelings, emotions, the charge, the light within - that is not who we really are but of consciousness systems manifested in and as human physical body, programmed through words.

That is why to deal with words within awareness, direction, principle is assisting and supporting discipline, presence, stabilization and life-aware self-realization.
As Life is not consciousness, not mind, life is the origin from we separated ourselves through the energy and physical substance but still, who we are: is here.
Walking the words what I forgive - I disengage the reaction what has formed to be almost automatic - and I can choose.

I walk through layers, each destonian walks through their own layers of mind and one by one investigate, forgive, realign and stop and that is the process of birthing ourselves from the physical as life, as equality as oneness.

We see this essence within each being in existence and realize the inevitability of the practical unification so we walk ourselves day by day - what is not yet commonly understood, accepted, but still - it is who we are.

My individual life has been around books, movies, TV series and computer games, drugs, relationships, energy and art - so these words are my personality matrix which through I can walk until I am becoming aware which aspect of me is not Self-honest and I see/realize/understand exactly the pattern and I stop.

And the more I stop - the more I see the greater perspective and to be able to realize which is best for all is a process but from a point it is obvious: equalizing power, resources and energy in and as the physical, the mind, all ways, so then the fear, the surviving, the desire can stop and we simply start living and enjoy Self-expression in a system wherein we are able to ensure not only our greatness but others as well: equally granting the same goods what we enjoy, starting from the basics, as food, shelter, water, education, health care: this is required for each human for a healthy life.

We are the building bricks in the system, it is not to blame, but to realize the practical way to form groups where the principle for all life can be practically measured, ensured and shared.

That is why we propose an Equal Money System - not, because we love so much money, but who we are currently is Mind Consciousness Systems as human energy system driven by thoughts, feelings, emotions, desires and as Global Economy, Monetary System fueled by money, gold, oil, diamonds etc.

When we group all resources and distribute to everyone to live - we give as we would like to receive - and for the first time we could trust the system what we create: that we do not have to fear from tomorrow and as our neighbor will not fear as well, they will not rob me out, they will not go to war - they will enjoy their family, their self-expression, their life.

In the beginning of course there would be some overcomes to face - but still - through time, with proper education we could heal the paranoia, the surviving.

Who cares how many generations it would take if we just can have chance from today? - Is not right to try our best it? I'd rather try to manifest than live a life all time saying 'well, it sucks, but that is who we are'.

So that is why there are ways what are practically working and there are what not.
And walking the Journey to Life for 7-14 years: it works, anyone who walks it - can ensure it within Self-honesty.

Because Applying the Living Self-forgiveness means facing, changing, letting go, stopping and understanding, directing and transcending.

So that is why I walk it that is why I commit myself to write every day to walk through a pattern every day and change myself in a point, day by day walking through - and it is not a work what is hard - it is who I am - so actually it can be enjoyed as Self.

Returning to the topic of Series, Films: There are some categories within Movies, Series what I have defined myself to be 'interested in'.
Such as: Sci-fi, Fantasy, Action, Art, Comedy

These types if I do not experience enough, then I go searching for that and then I can experience my reactions, my strive, my initial personality to reflect back within and as energy.

I am exploring some word-associations what with I react for what is the reason to watch Series, Movies of those kind:

Science Fiction - modern perfect mechanics, machines operated by energy and proven to be great, powerful and modern, futuristic

• Action: power, being powerful, brute force, anger, emotions, fear, loss, bravery, vengeance

• Fantasy: child tales, dragons, magic, wizards, fairies, evil, good, monsters, artifacts, fate

• Art: beauty, deep, profound, transcendental, meaningful, moving, twisting and shivering

• Comedy: humor, life force, laugh, cheer, feelings, romantics

So I will continue decomposing with these words what I am in relationship THROUGH the mind of thoughts, feelings, emotions and not LIVING directly as SELF HERE so therefore I am as starting point responsible for the perceived separation, the strive for dualistic mind of being in and as experience of Consciousness Systems.

I suggest to investigate how human mind operates

Also I suggest to research how our lives are being directed, influenced by Money

And To explore the practical understanding of our economy, our monetary system, educate Self within Common sense

Never too late to start exploring Self-support with the FREE course of Desteni I Process LITE

And read many-many 7 Years to Journey to Life blogs daily here, written by normal individuals who realized the effectiveness of daily writing of Self-forgiveness, Self-correction.

[JTL 118] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 5

Continuing on TV series, movies mind mechanisms series:

[JTL 114] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 1

[JTL 115] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 2

[JTL 116] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 3

[JTL 117] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 4

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and fear that I am not existing without a self-defined experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive towards experience what I can define and within the energetic reaction of definition, defining it as living and as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust experience separated from me and using judgments, definitions, thoughts, feelings, energies to have a relationship with experience and by that defining who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experience continue if I feel and define it as positive and want the experience stopped when I feel and define it as negative.

I forgive myself that I have never questioned my feelings, reactions, definitions, thoughts, judgments about what I experience and not being able to see that the experience is not who I am but what I physically react to experience is who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with judgment, feeling, thought, energy towards abuse, murder, horror and within that having the experience being separated from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a reaction towards an experience and form habit from that and then form a personality and then live out that personality as who I perceive myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to consider that experience coming from TV, Series, Movies and I react to it - is similar in my mind how I react to it as I would react to physical experience.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that feeling somehow by experiencing watching abuse, murder, horror within film, movie is influencing, imprinting with automatic reactions, with fear and never considering that it has an impact to my perception, to my personality, to my physical expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never consider the utmost importance within parenting children to not pass by the sins of the fathers, meaning the mind-thought-fear mechanism and never considering that it is not life, it is against life, it is in fact the opposite of life: evil because it will cause separation, fear, suffering and destruction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that education and parenting the children is the only way to bring about a change within humanity by giving an example to them how not to react with thoughts, fear, with personality and feelings of the mind but with Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness and direct physical expression and not accepting fear and separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not share unconditionally the realizations that the solution is for the fallen human is to unlearn, to forgive, to let go all relationships within consciousness systems through investigation and cross-referencing each point we hold onto within our mind as values and stand together as group to not accept any exclusion of any living being to consider here equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within fear one stops self-expression, stops trusting self being here within presence but goes into the mind of thoughts, feelings, emotions which through feels separated and secluded, alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear within and as me through defining positive and negative polarities as value system of who I defined myself to be and never questioning it and never ever questioning being and living without this polarities of judgments of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use TV and Movie to stimulate myself in order to have experience within and as my mind through polarities of self-definitions and at points not being able to see what is reality and what is in the TV and Movie by simply experience tension, energy, fascination, worry, fear regarding to what I see and hear and how I judge it from my own self-defined life's perspective by thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form relationship within my mind with the persons acting in the TV, Movie and defining them from my perspective, my personality, my interest, my definitions, judgments according to polarities, as qualities as positive and negative.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my feelings, thoughts towards persons in Movies, TV are not the same as towards real people but the way I formed those are the same: not real, made up, I made myself believe that these reactions are about them, the persons, actors in TV, Movies - or about the people who I am in touch in reality - meanwhile all I experience is my self-defined reactions based on my self-made up values.

Continuing on TV series, movies brainwashing series: - See more at: http://talamon.blogspot.com/2013/10/jtl-117-tv-series-mind-patterns.html#sthash.hMWEjlyF.dpuf

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define persons in movies as sympathetic or unsympathetic based on my values and judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define an actor, a person in a TV, Movie as more interesting, more fascinating, more entertaining than my reality and become attracted, addicted to watch, hear and react what I can see of her/him on TV, Movie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with actors and their roles within movies and defining worth and value based on the self-definitions, thoughts, feelings, emotions I experience towards them when I watch TV, Movies about them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form relationship within and as myself towards actors, persons in movies, films based on feelings, based on how they look and define them as attractive, as role-model and example for how and who I must be, express and live myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energy experience within and as my mind and regardless of positive or negative allowing it to fuel me and drive me and influence and control me without exactly being aware of the details how I am reacting without my understanding, permission.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that defining watching Movies and TV as entertainment without being aware of how and specifically what I react and knowing the why: means that I am programmable, I am being influenced and my personality can be manipulated and stimulated to act according to the Movie, Film I watch and react to.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all products showed in Movies and Films I see and define as good, cool, interesting, fascinating, entertaining: I am being advertised to to react to, to like, to desire for and manipulated to buy.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself the self-deception to think that it is alright to watch through a 2 hours bloody and aggressive action movie about killing and think and believe that it is not influencing me while for an early night advertisement for ten seconds people buy millions simply because it works, because it influences, stimulates, suggests, controls.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware that all I see in Movies and TV is a product being sold and if I am not able to remain here, calm, empty, self-directive but going into judgment, thought, feeling, reactions: I am being manipulated and brainwashed with my own consent with my own mind, with my own allowance, with my own permission to be formed, shaped as TV, Movies stimulate me to.

to be continued with Self-correction