[JTL Day 224] Decomposing the strive for CONTROL

Home fields

I continue with my personality decomposition, this time choosing the word: CONTROL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want control, to have control, believing because otherwise I have nothing against fear and pain, meaning fearing from losing the ability of avoiding pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always choose the options what gives me the perception of I am in control about something, someone, or myself, because otherwise I could fall into my mind's temptation of constantly bombing me with possible scenarios of what could happen for then all of those I rather have control, because then I can avoid facing my fear, which is losing myself within pain, within time, meaning wasting my time, wasting my life on not being able to do what I want, what I am, who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all the stability I've gained and perceive and experience is because I feel I have control over me, over my situations, over my existence and not realizing that it is a facade, not real, but as long as I experience myself being in control, convinced that I did all I could, there is still statistically a percentage of 'happening' what I want, then I feel that everything is in control, therefore I am in balance, I am alright, I am here, I am 'at peace' with me and the 'universe' and not realizing that it is like walking on the edge of a razor, because it's all in my mind which is never stable, thus I am also not stable.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense within releasing the desire for control, the fear from not having control specifically by each and every single one of currently upcoming fears, so to speak 'systematically' and deal with them with the starting point of 'facing, opening, understanding, forgiving, re-defining, stopping, changing' the point as me as equal as one until it's done, gone, I am here, unified with no more reacting or fearing in any way whatsoever to that one particular point and then directing myself to the next point until I am here, undefined, fearless.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense and the most direct and simplest solution as to understand the need for control and what I fear from losing or facing or experiencing and never getting to the point to clearly see/realize/understand the fact that wherever, whenever I 'control' - it is of separation, based on a polarity, the mind, definition, energy, fear and not unification, based on equality and oneness, the physical, self.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the con word within con-trol and acknowledging that it is of consciousness systems, of separation, of fear, which I justified with that it is what I need, what I have to have in order to survive, to have, to express, to live, meanwhile in fact it is the obvious sign that my starting point is of and as fear, energy, which will not last, thus who I defined myself to be, who I perceive myself to be also will be gone as the same way as it has been created and thus the solution is to dig out/become intimate with myself to the extent of understanding why in the first place I wanted to control in order to realize the separation I've accepted with that particular aspect of self, what I wanted to control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the master of control, meaning not being the slave of control, which was a fear in my early days that I am being controlled by others, my family, my school, the system because I could not get or have what I wanted simply, but I had to comply, to follow the rules, to obey, to accept external control within my life, telling me who I must be, how I must be in order to get what I wanted, such as time, space, money to be able to express myself, to be able to create myself, to be able to live which then I accepted and thus became and identified myself with the apparent 'game of life' as 'game of control' and within that became the system as who I am as consciousness as con-troll.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that who wants total control is in fear, which can be understood, but I've focused only to the subject of the act of control, which by I defined 'power' and by the polarity of that definition having the reaction of 'worthy' or 'unworthy' of my attention, which then I've accepted as automatic personality-brick in my mind as defining who I am in terms of a certain activity, a certain possession of material can have a value which then can be a measure of power, such as physical force, physical matter, so defining value according to things in this world, what with one can have control over matter, over others or even themselves.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that at a certain point within my life I concluded that I do not have power over others - yet but wanted and also the same with the physical existence, so I decided to take control over me so to speak, meaning learning how to be able to really do what I want and not experience any resistance or limitation once I've decided to do something and when actually trying this out and really facing resistances from within and self-limitations then defining who I am as somebody who has the goal to walk through all resistances and self-limitation within himself to be able to have absolute control over himself and thus opening the gate up to grasp control of others and all of existence, which then I've never really bothered to acknowledge, because I've defined that I am at the beginning of this path, and when I am perfectly controlling myself, then I would have the time and opportunity to see my relationship with control and all the while not realizing that the starting point for all of the control in the world was because of a fear, fear of not being able to control myself and thus existence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how this starting point of control determined the development of my personality, my mind, my very physical beingness, expression and who I am today and not being self-honest with myself in terms of really seeing that it's all based on a fear, which then I've inflated and systematized, layered up and managed to build up a perception of who I am and what is 'me' and what I want and why I want it without stopping for a moment and question all of this with common sense and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within all the personality-development I could not include all others within the 'equation of control', so I've injected others as the whole process of finding myself, my control over myself and existence is not for me, but also for all others, because once I would be in full control of me, then I would not have any goal anymore but consider others as well, but for that, at first, I have to focus on me, only me, me, me, me.

Home garden

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the more I focus to my fear, the more I want control, and the more I want control, the more I justify to accept my fear and do according to that starting point to avoid, while not realizing that in fact by that I create what I fear from, I manifest what I resist, I face what I separate from myself until the inevitable point of realization of who I've accepted myself to manifest as which then I have to take responsibility for to unify and solve, meaning to stop the perception of separation and realize the fact that I am one with and as life with all of existence as equal, wherein no matter what I do, there is always consequence, thus to perceive, to express myself only considering me, I create separation, friction, which then I would fear facing and wanting to have control over to be able to exclude from my life and never realizing that if anybody else would face that consequence of my fear, then it is still them, as life as me, so in fact I abuse me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware what exactly I've did in order to have the experience of having control in my life, such as gathering knowledge, learning, studying, practicing, experimenting to be able to have definitions, rules, laws, regulations, memories, images to always be ready in my mind to be able to explain everything, to 'box in' everything, to always be able to feel like 'known' about things, because then there would be some information which by I would know or possibly guess what is going on, what I should do to remain stable, to remain effective, to be able to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the human civilization's law system of what I can or can't do, the belief systems of what is the meaning, purpose, sense of my human existence, what is good, what is bad for me or others and never questioning it, even when by exploring the human world system realizing that within different countries, cultures, there are different laws, belief systems of who we are, where do we came from, where are we going, and always trying to get that answer from outside of me, because if I would find something what is like similar to what I feel, who I want then I would be more control over me, because then there would be a relation with this world, and then I could use that relationship to stabilize and trust within my convictions about who I am and what I should do or what the things really are what I experience in existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always have a reason, a conscience in my mind of what I do and why in order to have a certainty, a stability, a sense of direction to what I do and who I am, so then I never 'run out' of reasons, so then I would never stop to feel that I am clueless, goalless, out of control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that without control I am an animal, an instinct-machine, an organic robot which then goes back to the programming of ancestors, the biology, the survival, the pure self-interest, which from I wanted to protect myself and others in the fear of if I would not have control, I would simply get what I want regardless of others, regardless of respect for life or dignity, which then I would not like because then that would mean losing another layer of control, which is for ensuring that I am 'good'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to understand my desires and fears and how those are related and in fact built upon the experience of pain and the goal for avoidance of fear and within that defining the ultimate goal such as 'love' which then would mean that when I love, then I am good, when I hate, I am bad, and then believing this as golden rule regardless of anything, any reason, common sense, logic, because if then anyone could persuade me that love is not good, then I would become negative, and within this not seeing that I completely given my mind, my self-definitions permission to tell me who I am what I must do and how I must feel, regardless of anything else but of thoughts, feelings, emotions, which then I've defined as much as me as my physical actions.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop to the extent that all thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, rules, definitions, knowledge, laws, reactions would stop within me and I would just be, simply be, without any definition, here, as the physical and explore what is here, who I am without any definition, any conviction, any control, any belief, desire or fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed to accept myself who I am in this moment simply as who I am and always wanting to be in motion in my mind, to always generate energy, reaction, to have a plan, conviction, to be prepared, always ready to explain, to make sense, to use what I have known and trust within these and not realizing the sobering fact that in the very moment I rely on any of these, of any thought, feeling, emotion, I am compromised, given up, diminished as myself, as here, as simplicity, as whole, as present, as unified.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that there is a beingness, a sprout, a seed of life within and as me as who I am here as a human physical body living physical being, which for to open up, to grow, to expand, to really live, I must let go all of the consciousness I accepted and allowed to rely on to know, to experience, to behave, to express until I am here, completely naked in my mind, undefined, unified, equal and one with and as my human physical body without any need for or fear from control and be able to direct myself as self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control everything around me and at certain situations, also others, because I don't trust in them and I don't trust that they could manage to do what I want or what I don't want and also I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control people because believing that what I want from them doing or not doing is important so whatever is important to me I want to ensure that it will be the way I want otherwise I would not feel good, certain, because that would mean what I planned do not happen which means I wasted time on planning and also why I planned will fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control everything because of fear of failure, fear of losing opportunity and chance, resource, time and within that losing myself, because by time I will get old and also die so I must be specific and effective and the more I feel I am not directing the situation the more I feel I need to control it and not realizing that control is always of separation, fear, while direction is the equal and one relationship I should find and realize and express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control where I live by always being able to do what I want and no one should tell me what I should do otherwise I would fear that not I am in control but I am controlled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist things and others and communication when I feel that I am being controlled and that would make me feel uncomfortable and not wanting to do it because that I would define as not me in control, thus I am losing, I am lost, I am wasting resource and time.

Violet Valley

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into emotions based on someone's expression and by that emotion moving/acting/behaving a certain way because within that moment feeling and defining that I am being controlled and becoming angry and within that not realizing that if I totally focus on that anger reaction, meanwhile I do not see where it comes from and why I grow it and from a point I simply want to exert it, become it and then the other person would experience it and would believe that I make her/him angry, meanwhile I know that I am making myself angry for what I accept and allow instead of stopping and always re-assessing, reconsidering, re-adjusting my stance, starting point in order to be able to take self-direction with the point as myself here without emotional reaction, without need for control, without fear from not being able to control, without the fear of losing time, myself simply realizing that also the consequence of manifesting the fear of losing time and myself is also an emotional reaction which by in fact I am wasting more time while being absolutely ineffective, so I immediately, unconditionally stop, breathe here and say no more self-acceptance of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to trust others when I do not trust myself and within that wanting others to be able to do things for me, with me, even when I did not explained to them what I want why I want but only wanting the outcome to happen which is not practical and quite impossible, because the other person do not really know what I want, expect yet still allowing myself to give permission to my mind to be frustrated about it instead of simply realizing where exactly and how I have to open up communication, direction to re-align the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can stop controlling trust based on cons and conditions, rather directing myself and my trust with common sense and thus not needing to worry for giving away my trust to somewhere where I can't expect to have and also realizing that real self-trust which is the foundation of myself, my expression, my being here can not be projected out, conditioned, therefore if in any moment I see that I lose trusting myself based on a condition, an experience, an event, then it is my immediate responsibility to sort that out, understand how I've created that and absolutely stopping participating within and living the change that I do trust myself and within that moment seeing what with I don't and then I continue stopping all doubt and also realizing what are the points/aspects of myself what I can trust and what are which at the moment should not.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to map out myself, my mind, my reactions, my desires, my fears, my trust, my doubt specifically to be able to exactly see what I can and can not trust and what with I can expand my trust or what is with I can't and seeing the reason and considering shall/can I change that and then deciding it and living that decision until I am trust unconditionally.

to be continued with specifying the origin and source points of the accepted patterns of control in my life what are based on self-dishonesty to be able to stop before participating and start trusting myself directly

[JTL Day 223] Decomposing Fear of Pain

Eclipse 2015 March

I continue with the personality decomposition from my last post:

• [JTL Day 222] Decomposing Personality of Fear

The point from where I continue is the state when I feel uncomfortable, pain. Recently I had a taste of it, almost all day I had a headache. I rarely have headaches, but when I do, I experience myself quite differently, mostly notable that my 'sphere of awareness' is extremely reduced, which itself makes me react already like a 'caged animal', because I got used to the experience of actively and passively noticing things around me, which gives the 'feel' of I can have options, not just 'sliding through an experience-tube' by constantly reacting things without seeing ahead.
So it's a wakefulness, a sort of alertness I 'normally' 'have'/'do', which as I see, has a part of personality and has a part of natural self-expression, which if I 'lose', I am less 'comfortable' already and the reason I write about it here is exactly the decomposition and self-honest realization of need for correction, re-alignment as it's based on fear, separation, self-interest.

I do not feel comfortable while being defined, automatically boxed into states/reactions, even if it's coming from within, because it's not practical - the moment is always blooming absolutely uniquely within each breath, so by self-automation I actually compromise myself based on a self-definition, a conviction, an idea or a fear, which the more I accepted in the past, the more I allow to be part of me without questioning, without being able to see/realize/understand it/me and be able to stop, change.

So as I wrote about energy, seriousness and personality, fear - here I add another word-dimension: PAIN.

When I do experience pain, I have the tendency to become much less open, present and my personality gets a goal to ensure to minimize and stop the pain to be able to return to the state of wakefulness.

But what are the points behind my personalities what has been defined/formed and shaped who I am today according to pain?

I walk Self-forgiveness to explore the self-definitions I've accepted to consist of to see what I have to understand/stop and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my goal, reason and purpose to stop and avoid experiencing pain, because defining that pain is bad, pain is changing me, pain is ruining me, pain is destroying me by defining that it takes all my attention, energy to itself, feeling like demanding all my beingness to give into which I do not want to because feeling like losing myself, my time, my resources, my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that when I experience pain, that it means something, when my human physical body experiences pain, it means a problem, which means requires attention and solution.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can apply common sense to ask myself what is my pain actually means and why I experience it, what would be the common sense to do in order to assist/support myself when experiencing physical pain to heal/recover.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is completely up to me to define and act upon fear of who I am and what I am going to do and even when I am in pain - I am still here and my actions still have consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as something to be feared, avoided in all cost, even if it means to realize/expose something self-dishonest/delusional because of the fear of loss, fear of unknown, fear of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge that I fear from pain because of fear of change, because fearing that if I would have pain, I would have remain within pain and within the experience of pain I am accepting and allowing myself to be reactive, self-interested, the opposite of aware and being able to consider my environment, others, which is not necessary, just it is how I've accepted and allowed myself to define as a protection mechanism personality manifestation in case of pain and fear of pain, which I can open up, understand, stop and change within consideration of myself, solution and others as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that within the experience of pain I would do something reckless, irresponsible to myself or to others what I would regret when the consequence could not be changed once I did it, therefore within the experience of pain I try to close down and suppress myself as much as possible to avoid harm and within that becoming afraid of acting irresponsibly which then I would use to fuel to be able to close myself down more and not realizing that by this the more I become automatic, reactive and in fact be able to take responsibility for myself and my surroundings and in fact be able to apply the common sense for actual solution to stop the pain and also to prevent it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately program myself, my personality, my reactions, my physical beingness to automatically choose to avoid pain, even when the pain is not great, long and rather choosing avoiding it than choosing common sense, which does not mean to abuse my human physical body, but for instance when necessary to work hard and it's consequence would be some pain to refuse it within the fear of pain and it's consequence without awareness, without consideration or common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give permission to my mind, my thoughts, feelings, emotions to always have right when it comes about to avoid pain, avoid situation of possibility for pain, and justify it with the reason of 'I should not feel pain and it is who I am'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically exclude others from my consideration when I experience pain with the justification of 'I have the right to disregard everything else but my pain and my reaction/strategy to apply for this pain' without any awareness of consequence and ability to apply common sense, overwritten by the self-automation I've defined who I am in reaction to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can remain here, present, self- and life-aware, within consideration of myself and others, consequences and manifestations even during the experience of pain, just first I should understand, decompose and stop my current personality definitions according to reactions to pain and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as something within I lose myself, within what I do not feel myself, I can't experience myself but the pain itself and not realizing that within that moment what I automated myself to do is self-separation, trying to exclude myself from the pain, the experience by creating polarity in my mind, energetic experiences and within that not seeing that in fact I separate myself from myself and within that split I lose directive principle with/on/as myself and that losing I am completely aware of and that I feel like losing myself which I do not want and never realizing the common sense to embrace myself, embrace the pain.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I fear being changed by pain then I am manifested in a way that in case of pain I will change and within fearing to lose myself who I am in regards to pain actually I manifest the experience of losing the self-definition about who I am in pain and all the while I am not fully myself but who I defined myself according to pain which was not real therefore who I act as in the meantime is also not who I really am but according to the fear and self-definition about pain, which is completely my creation.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that according to the avoidance of pain, the fear of pain I've created myself and my starting point, my personality, my reactions, my actions only within the consideration of my own interest, which I believed who I am and not realizing that I actually am existing also within the rest as well just I've accepted and allowed myself to be completely occupied with my experience, my personality about to avoid and prevent my pain in the fear of losing who I am and not seeing/realizing/understanding that within the reaction to fear I am manifesting the actual losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I activate a personality within my mind to tell me how to behave, how to react, how to feel, how to act, I fear of pain, fear of losing myself within pain, and not realizing that within focusing to this experience and physical reaction to fear I create what I participate within, thus strengthening this fear, fear of pain, fear of fear to such extent that there is no other reason exists but to justify to avoid the fear and pain, even if it's not real, not related to the current scenario I am within.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware of the thought/feeling/emotion process of convicting myself about how I react to fear, to pain and believing that I can't directly feel, experience, be this pain but needing to define/relate to/think/feel/have emotion about in order to process/to deal with because if I would absolutely and totally embrace it as this is who I am in this moment, I believed that I would lose myself or I would change to such an extent that I would again: lose myself and not realizing that what I can lose might not be me at all and within that who I perceive, think, define myself to be according to fear, pain, experiences, situations is not really who I am but what I created in order to deal with myself/what is here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to actually question and explore, realize and understand the origin of pain within my human physical body and my relationship to it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that how and when I abuse and exploit my own human physical body as life-source with the process of mind-activities and within that taking responsibility to stop the abuse of fueling mind consciousness systems within myself with the fear and my automatic reactions to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any resistance to face any fear is also a layer of self-definition of fear and it creates conflict within me which means energy, polarity, friction toward something I accepted and allowed myself to exist within relationship through and as consciousness systems based on words manifested as thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, images and never realizing that what I resist persists and the more I try to separate it from me here, the more I manifest it in and as this physical existence within the perception of separation but in fact I am always one and equal with all what is here as creator, creation and created within equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that to accept and allow systems within me separated from me being directly here is based on resistance, fear, which is of friction, conflict and the only way to take responsibility and become the directive principle of all who I am within and as existence is unification, embracing all who I am existing as today and stop participating within what is self-dishonest, based on fear, self-interest unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the practicality and common sense, effectiveness and directness of the writing/sounding/acting self-forgiveness in relation to all self-accepted relationships I exist and consist of to recognize all patterns of what is not self-honest, what is not supporting all life and simply stop participating one by one until I am free of any fear, any need of separation, any systems of self-definitions, any mind-participation.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that the process of application of self-forgiveness is the process of finding and expanding, manifesting and expressing unconditional self-trust, self-direction and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within the experience of pain I've allowed myself to be defined as the victim, prey, that I can't do anything about it so the best strategy against it is to prevent pain at all cost, even if it means to act upon this prevention at all cost, meaning only considering my interest of this prevention of pain.
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I commit myself to stop participate within any resistance toward pain, to accept any justification and excuse for why not to face what I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest, become in order to realize/see/understand the utmost responsibility I have within embracing, stopping, changing all what is here which is not as Life as who I am as equal as one.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand in every aspect of my breathing life that there is not a single consequence I can escape from in this existence thus the common sense is to face/embrace/unify myself with all what is here as who I am and stop the mind of thoughts/feelings/emotions of self-dishonesty breath by breath within the accumulation of walking the Process of Application of Self-Forgiveness.

I commit myself to decompose all aspects of my manifested behavior which entails, contains, tainted, stimulated, influenced by fear of pain and realize that the fear from changing by facing, experiencing, embracing pain is futile within the fact that the more I separate myself from what I have allowed here in and as the physical, the more I lose directive principle thus unable to take responsibility to stop and change as myself as equal as one, therefore I commit myself to stop running and hiding from fear and within that from pain as realizing that who I am should not be defined or influenced by any fear therefore if I see it within me moving, reacting, I investigate, understand, forgive and stop myself as this self-definition, as this reaction until there is nothing here only the "I am here".

When and as I see a responsibility but I resist it because of any fear or pain, not seeing any gain or not feeling any energy by it - I motivate myself as decision, self-will, act as self-direction without any need for stimulation, gain or fear from lose, based on principled living of what is best for all with practical common sense.

When and as I fear from changing by experiencing pain, I become aware of the pattern what I used to use for avoiding the pain and becoming the personality for avoiding this pain and realizing what is the starting point of this fear, who I am as it's source and what I must be done in order to prevent further pain to cause.

When and as I experience pain, I realize that as I move toward my center of my being and excluding my reality, others - it is a pattern what I've developed by time and the same way I can decompose, stop it and become practical instead of reactive, open and directive instead of closed and reactive by acting immediately with self-trust, self-movement.

When and as I resist losing something within risking, I apply common sense and stop using the excuse of 'not wanting to be reckless and irresponsible' in order to justify fear of pain and fear of fear and trust myself to find my limits and walk through them breath by breath.

When and as I see that I am not trusting myself unconditionally, I stop and I re-align and forgive myself about everything I have in my mind and realize that all is excuse for accepting self-limitation instead of living self-direction so within that I write, sound, apply self-forgiveness unconditionally.

When and as I see that I face timelooping within facing/stopping/changing a pattern which does not support me, I ask for support, not allowing myself to get possessed by the idea of 'I must have to fight this', 'I am handling it', 'I got this' as realizing it is not about myself and within that realizing that within DesteniIProcess course and the group I can express my points to get support without any fear of judgement or separation and within that to realize that when I am able to assist and support others, it is myself who I give support to and assist to within the practical application of walking through self-separation, self-dishonest self-interest and thus re-writing, re-aligning, re-educating, re-birthing myself as life as equality and oneness in and as this human physical body.

[JTL Day 211] Conditional Standing

There has been some realizations regarding to how I compromise my consistency when I am exhausted, sick which bugs me since a while, thus I re-align here with written words to assist and support within real time physical change. So much things happened and I am definitely going to share all points here.

In short, at times when I am sick, tired, exhausted, I tend to let everything go and focus on resting fully, it's like a program which defines my purpose to rest as much as possible to recover quickly to be able to continue with what I was busy with before the illness/exhaustion.
There is a point when it is supportive to really just lay down and do nothing but there is when I can have a tendency to use it as a backdoor, an old habit to re-create experiences, inner reactions, behaviors what I would not do usually because already 'realized' that it is not absolutely self-honest, for instance to 'fall' into entertainment while disregarding discipline, commitment, integrity and self-honesty.

The mental, emotional, physical feel of 'lack of energy' triggers some pre-programmed behavior to re-fuel the mind, the personality, the act of separation from directly be here as unified and it is of self-dishonesty - I can - and in fact anyone can and should live directly as the flesh of life without the mind, without the fear, the definitions, energy - just substance as expression here.
As much it can sound as spiritual - it isn't - though many spiritual path mention the transcendence or stopping the mind - to walk this path is completely different, which is stopping the addition to energy, to thoughts, to fear, to desires and develop self-trust, self-honesty, self-consistency here - it is challenging, but doable - there is a free online course which can support one to start learning how to assist and support oneself to face and stop the limitations of the mind: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com
I would not suggest it if it would not be that exceptionally supportive.

So: Conditional standing - how and why I allowed to standing up from the mind to become conditional to the mind thus creating the trap of 22?


Let's walk!

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that there is one point I am relying on within standing up as LIFE - and it is the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am deceiving myself within the process of standing up through and as my mind - with energy - allowing relying on energy, meaning when feeling tired, sick, ill, exhausted, in pain - letting go of standing up and holding onto the idea of need to pull myself together, rest, recover by methods what in fact give energy - meaning stopping the process of standing up from energy to direct me and go into reactions such as entertainment, lust meanwhile manifesting conflict, friction within me because exactly seeing I am giving up into I've committed myself to stop participating within.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become occupied with energetic reactions, movements, definitions, within my mind and body and disregarding what is here as reality of why in the first place I let go my commitment, what I've decided to do such as decomposing, releasing, removing automatic time looping which self-dishonest choices I've made, which does not consider all beings here but only myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself of giving up into energetic hardwires within my mind and wanting to feel the energy as this is I've pre-defined as being alive while already proven to myself that this is not really who I am but of consequences and within the self-judgement I create what I should do yet not doing so, defining myself as not absolutely being within direction, which to see, experience, observe feels irritating thus creating a conflict, friction within me of then why I do not stop if I see it and going into the reaction for this conflict instead of seeing exactly what it is and why I do what I do for a deeper understanding.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by creating friction within me I accumulate energy to stand up and never realizing the moment I engage within this that it is of conditions, thus always re-creating the same scenario - standing up and falling - and then using reactions, emotions, feelings, thoughts to judge me and then create friction with what to generate energy to stand up and not realizing that the very starting point of using energy to stand up is of self-dishonesty thus invalidating the whole process of standing up, because what fuels the standing up process is dependent of falling into the mind thus never really standing up but only approaching and 'being failed', 'being judged as failed because of failed'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my standing up was an intent, not direct self-expression because conditioned to friction, energy, judgement, a perception of not good, not good enough thus by that triggering the point of standing up, because conditioned to the idea and definition, judgement and experience of falling.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the energy creation of friction by inner conflict is not me, not real, not self, but of and as fear, in and as the mind thus anything I do according to this energy - it is self-delusion, self-dishonesty and if I react, define, accumulate according to it - I will be facing chasing a mirage and ending up realizing the starting point with I've created it: fear of loss. Fear of change, fear of being without energy, fear of not moving.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be persuaded with my thoughts that there could be any moment wherein I do not have to push, direct, and birth myself as physical but when I could go into mode of entertainment as self-defined and thus creating reaction, friction and losing principle, losing presence, losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that being so close for continuous and constant standing up, I've allowed myself to gain false confidence with what boosting into experience and not considering and acting according to facts.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to practically list and remember the points I've allowed myself to define the reasons and justifications of how and why exactly I've allowed myself to go back into the habit of be the starting point as the mind and thus not being aware what I manifest as consequence until the experience of fall of energy directs me and then I react with thoughts, emotions and then when the energy is gone and facing what I allowed then feeling the guilt, shame and sorrow and then activating wait and hope that next time won't happen because I don't want and also judging myself as not good enough and by that stimulating myself to start to move and then move only and until this shame and guilt and sorrow is fueling and then gaining confidence and not realizing that I do not change, I do not trust myself directly but of and as constructs of habits, personalities, reactions without being aware of what exactly these are such as exhausting myself and then being sick and then feeling low on energy and wanting to boost energetic states with arousal, adrenaline, coffee, laughter, entertainment such as wanting to have sex, playing computer game, watching films, watching things on internet what looks interesting or just I can judge them as negative or positive.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand when and how I exactly lose presence from physical and where abusing my human physical body within the altair of experience, praising the mind and reactions instead of be equal and one with and as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to apply self-forgiveness to points wherein I am losing presence, when I am not directing myself, when I deliberately exhaust myself with the perception of I have to do more until I can instead of realizing it has the starting point of fear of not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to go deeper with the 'not being good enough' experience of understanding exactly what I participate within and why and solve the problem of fear which is based on comparison, imagination not considering reality.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to feel physically fully here when I am experiencing fear in and as my mind, body, when energy moves within me, thought reactions energize, feeling the electric movements from my solar plexus, my muscles wiggle, when not being aware of the physical breath and allowing myself to accumulate it to a degree of being absolutely tired and exhausted and completely sucked into the mind and just wanting to get to sleep and try to recover and start over to stand up.

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When and as I feel myself unstable, weak, exhausted, tired, sick, distanced - I remember - this is a point I've been indirectly accepting to compromise my standing up without ever questioning it - thus I check, whether I am able to assist and support myself without going back to the old habits what with I was unable to be satisfied because the obviousness of self-acceptance of self-dishonesty, thus it is not supporting if at any sign of exhaustion, weakness I experience, define, react-to I allow myself to just lay back into the mind to re-stabilize myself with the same patterns I've been working on to practically let go, stop, transcend and change myself from.

When and as I see that I want to rest, take a break, recover, heal, I do continue to breathe, as presence, as self-direction, even within resting, within healing - meaning continuing with observing the mind, pushing physical presence, exploring practical ways to remain here, directive, stopping being influenced with energy by practical understanding, knowing of how and why I react to what and decide to stop without allowing inner conflict, friction to use for directing myself.

When and as I am sick - I simply rest, without judging, defining blame to myself, I trust myself, I allow myself to feel the pain, the physical state, even if it means to become one and equal with all the pain, suffering, uncomfortability and I stand - there is no way to escape from consequence, this is where and who I am as physical presence and I realize - anytime I escape into the mind - that is not real haven, that is not lasts, that is not really me - thus I accumulate direction, consistency and decision to express within each moment, regardless of my physical state, my conditions.

When and as I am tired, exhausted, hungry, feeling weak, ill, sick - I slow down within and ensure that I do not get lost within reactions towards positive and negative energy - and even if it means not behave as I would want, I realize that is of self-definition and any related reaction to it is still the mind - I trust myself and I express and I remain present, direct, physical, even if it means completely stopping, completely allowing myself to embrace physical presence and I allow and explore, direct and accept to be fully here breath by breath.

When and as I am resisting to rest - I check - am I in my body fully here or I am rushing ideas from my mind to do without considering, more importantly: respecting my human physical body? And I commit myself to consider, physically feel and respect my body as giving what I'd like to receive - unconditional love, care, support, birthing as life.
When and as I am exhausted or sick or unable to do what I committed to act - I look into the circumstances and conditions, apparent choices and reactions I've made to learn more about how and why I acted so, especially when after that I've judged myself as not cool.
When and as I see that I am exhausting myself because at this moment I am not feeling tiredness, however I am certainly aware of that how much I've slept before, how soon I have to wake up as rested yet I am high on what I do as judging it as positive - I stop and let all go and I realize I can trust myself within not falling into the 'constant resting' so while resting keeping up with discipline, presence,direction.

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I commit myself to explore further how and when I disregard the process of standing up based on conditions, especially when feeling uncomfortable, exhausted, sick, ill, weaker, tired - and realizing that if any condition I allow to influence, direct me to tell me who I am - I am not yet myself but of accumulated acceptance of self-dishonesty, which I stand up to breath by breath.

I commit myself to slow down and let everything go when I am losing physical presence and I direct myself to remain here - even if fear, uncomfortability, pain comes - I embrace and stand and remain here, directive.

I commit myself to develop self-trust within to distinguish embracing to remain here and self-acceptance and endurance, meaning it is not to accept everything as it is and to remain so, but from the dishonest mind perspective first to accept the facts here - yet not accepting that as who I must be, but as the current consequence of my past actions and not-actions which I must understand within absolute specificity, naturally, breath by breath, act by act.

I commit myself to explore the practical ways to remain here, directive, within process of self-forgiveness while being in pain, uncomfortability and exhaustion and realizing that I can remain self here regardless of anything if I am able and willing and actually living the re-alignment and physical change.

I commit myself to decompose all self-definitions I accepted and allowed to accumulate within my mind about how I must feel and behave, react to and do when having pain, uncomfortability, exhaustion, sickness until I am standing here with empty, black, whole mind which is me as life as directive principle here within absolute self-honesty in all moments equally.

By listening these EQAFE interviews and working on an Agreement Course assignment some new points opened up which with I will continue in the next post, but to give a direction to it concisely: PERFECTION.

EQAFE is one crucial support within the Unification of Man - the only thing to be really grateful for it is to not just listen, understand but to actually LIVE the words of it, as it is an invaluable support for anyone who is willing to invest time and practical effort within Self-realization to widen perspective, gain awareness and take responsibility for what is really happening within and as ourselves and the world around us.

• https://eqafe.com/p/create-your-change-reptilians-part-353
• https://eqafe.com/p/insecurity-real-change-atlanteans-part-254
• https://eqafe.com/p/a-touch-of-white-light-journeys-into-the-afterlife-part-71

[JTL 113] Eye of Consciousness and Pain

Eye Seeing as the Systems of Consciousness

Recently I am being introduced to eye pain what assists and supports me to realize the ridiculousness of knowledge and information not lived as myself as equal as one but as separate mind consciousness system manifestations such as thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically define anything I look to.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware when I use definitions to be my eye of perception.
• I forgive myself that I have not ever even considered to slow down by myself to such a degree within through stopping and breathing to be aware of constant and automatic self-definition as starting point through as the eye of Consciousness.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all who I perceive myself to be, everything as I define as who I am is of definitions of layers of consciousness of mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, pictures, definitions.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to directly be my human physical eye without the layer of definition of consciousness of separation.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that through the eye of Consciousness as self-definitions everything is separated from me here within perception and starting point.
• I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use the 'I' of consciousness as the eye of my perceived self as personality built up on definitions of thoughts, feelings, emotions without ever considering that this is not Life but Lie of self-deceit through separation.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have defined myself to fear from undefined, from unknown as then not being able to separate from what it really is through the definitions of Consciousness.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware of my human physical body in terms of experiencing physical pain when using energy of Consciousness through manifesting an experience of separation from my human physical body.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself to have a tendency to avoid pain and to separate myself from the experience of physical pain through reactions and energies from the definitions of Mind Consciousness.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as avoidable unconditionally and not realizing that pain is consequence of starting point of Consciousness which I have no other way but to embrace and stand as equal as one to birth myself as Life from the physical which means to embrace the pain and be aware of it's origin, it's cause and stop participating layer by layer, self-definition by self-definition until I stand undefined without the experience of separation from my human physical body here.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use pain as an excuse to pull back into Mind Consciousness to lick my wounds as defining pain as avoidable in all costs.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept apparently little pain constantly rather than facing pain what seems enormous and great for a short period of time.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and believe and think that from lots of pain, enormous pain, unbearable pain I can get mad and become insane and lose myself.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself to live in the shadow of pain and never facing it directly breath by breath and dare to see it's origin as how exactly I am responsible for the very pain I experience as self-accepted limitation and excuse to not stop participating within definitions of Mind Consciousness System as who I've accepted myself to became and manifest as within and as the Physical.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can not separate myself from anything here without causing consequences as pain because the very act of separation of energy of Mind Consciousness is the origin of pain.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that each and every single thought is manifesting physical pain within and as my human physical body what if I am not aware of - I will continue without being aware of what I am and actually how I am responsible.
• I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not be here in all moments whether it is painful or not and not realizing that even within pain I can be here as physical and going into mind and reactions of definitions will not stop the pain only I feel myself separated from it and the solution is to realize the starting point, the physical participation which through I am causing the energy reaction within to manifest the pain and to stop that breath by breath until I am here without the energetic reaction of that specific thought, feeling, emotion pattern of self-definition of mind.

• When and as I look something I remain calm, quiet, silent within and I breathe and I am here and see when I do move within automatically - and if I move - I stop, if I react, I focus on what is here physically, breath, body, facts.
• When and as I have resistance towards stopping thoughts because of pain - I realize thoughts prolong facing pain, not solving therefore I stop thinking and I see what is the source of my pain, how I manifest this pain, I investigate, I explore, I stop internal conversations, reactions, rather I express, write, and forgive myself unconditionally point by point, breath by breath.
• When and as I automatically define something I realize I fear to explore the unknown, the undefined, the direct experience with what is here as who I am, so I stop, I breathe, I embrace, I act, I trust myself as direct physical.

• I commit myself to stop using definitions of the mind, definitions of what I see, what I experience within the realization that through defining I am separating myself from the subject of my definition, I am not direct as equal as one therefore I am not the directing principle here but being automatically stimulated as self-automation as Mind Consciousness System, therefore I stop.
• I commit myself to investigate all layers of Mind Consciousness System what I am not able to naturally, in one moment to stop, and let go through Writing, Applying Self-forgiveness within Self-honesty and Living Self-correction within Self-commitment to stop all definitions, reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions and directly experience as myself as physical here.

With eye pain - whatever I look I experience pain - and the eye is a very specific, quite sophisticated manifestation - so many fast and precise movements it does, focusing 'automatically' and moving all the time and within eye-pain - I am becoming aware of all the slightest movements of my physical eyes.

Because each tiny movement hurts - through pain I am becoming aware that how I have taken granted my eyes move automatically.

Especially when I think and move within - and the eyes move.

I've noticed this long years ago - when someone is busy within - the eye move quite often - and just to see one's eyeballs - and it is obvious - thinking, images, pictures, reactions.

Apparently just looking around - but is not present - and as the eye moves - the mind moves - reaction after reaction - just like a dream sequence - one's eye is moving around while the eyelids are closed - fascinating. The same here while it's open.
I am sitting on a bus and looking to the seat, the window, the crossroad, the bug on the screen, the light glimpse on the window, the river down there, the trees in the wind, the motorcycle coming through, the other passengers, my cellphone, the eye of the woman in front of me, the girl's legs nearby and her shoes meanwhile:
I think - think think think and react and I do not really see these things - I just glide on the definitions and reactions coming up looking these things - or not even related to these things - but stimulates. Check it out.

When long time ago I pushed lots of psychedelics, this observation assisted me to be aware of when others are busy within or being present - to push them or bring them back here - SNAP - hey we are here - and when one is moving the eye without being present - I can ask - "What's up?", "How is it going?", "What's happening?" - and many ask me how I know that they are thinking.
Well, when one slows down to a certain degree - it is obvious - not even the eye movement can blow the 'cover' of not being here - if someone is HERE - then it is obvious when others are NOT.

Remembering with Bernard - he has applied Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, Writing for decades to a degree that he was not just able to be here constantly, but he became this presence, consistency here.

So that's why and how he was able to work directly what is here, the physical, the starting point - and if one is walking the Desteni tools for years can let go the busy mind reality for real and experience and deal with what is here.

The 'Eye' of Consciousness, the 'I' as Consciousness must be walked through - to be here without any reaction, definition, thought, feeling, emotion - this is where Life starts, never before.

That's why it is imperative to grasp the Common Sense within the tools provided by Desteni - because it is about real, tangible, practical, down to earth, ground zero physical self-realization, not just some chakra feel-good weekend happiness energy separation mind engine bubble - that is still of systems - and will never be solution for all.

Everything is connected, related and in interaction in this existence as all as equal as one - if one walks through resistances and definitions of the mind - can be really HERE - and can see the deception within Self and Others and really assist and support for All Life's interest. Everything else is Self-delusion and Self-interest.

And this does not mean one should feel shitty and painful all the time - but there is no excuse within this existence and especially in these controversial times about what is Best for all.

If one can not realize what it means or what would be really the practical approach for What is Best for All - then it is a problem, a bubble of separation, a physically manifested consciousness system as Self as Mind secluded and superimposed from it's source as Energy from Physical Substance, from Life.  That to understand I really suggest investing some coins to the Secret History Of Unverse audio series (it's first 5 parts are free to download) because it is explaining with simple terms the relationship between Energy, Substance and Life - and how existence has been manifested as it is from it's starting point which is still here and until we do not change that - we can not change our origin point from Separation to Unification with and as Life as who we really are and were and ever will be.

So it is definitely a journey to grasp, to apply and Live everything what is here and to unfold the secrets what has always been around but we were always just too busy within our Eye of Consciousness Mind System to see through, to see beyond the thoughts, feelings, emotions.

Because as long as we are busy and occupied within our mind - we are not seeing how and why others are occupied within their mind - and we are unable to grasp what is here as current human system of greed, abuse, destruction and rape of Life through physical abuse with Energy of  Mind Consciousness - this is the education, this is the common sense for anybody who can take responsibility, who can be clear enough within to realize the necessity to first stop ourselves and be a living example of stop the Mind Consciousness and assist and support others, for the children to come with a State of the Art Education what is provided here with Desteni tools to really change the systems that Rule Earth, that decide who can live and who will die:

The economic, the political, the monetary system is just like the same as our mind consciousness - if we understand our own mind to a degree to be able to stop - we are able to step beyond self-interest and deal with the systems outside of ourselves and take responsibility for all life and change this floating mudball around the sun to a place where All Life is respected, nurtured and supported equally. For that, we, individuals should and must be the ones who say no to self-acceptance through fear, through excuses and justifications why we accept ourselves within Self-limitation and use the tools what are the most practical and simplistic for letting go all delusions what we got through our family-blood-DNA, through our education, through our media, through our environment which determine and show us equal as one who we really are until we stand up and change.

That's why the 7 Years to Journey to Life has been started wherein many people from all around the world are walking through Consciousness Systems with the starting point as Life - Through blogging, vlogging, Applying and Living Self-forgiveness within Self-honesty.

There is a free course to start if one is willing to give time(which is ourselves) for exploring the tools available for all who can read and can understand the simple math of 1+1=2.

Desteni I Process LITE

Also check out these EQAFE Self-support Audio interviews in the topic of Pain, Eye:

For Self-education:

• Economy: Economist's Journey to Life
• Activism: Activist's Journey to Life
• Creation: Creation's Journey to Life
• Income: Living Income Guaranteed

[JTL Day 11] Coming down to Earth from ACID-tripping away

Check out the Journey to Life blogs:
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com
http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com
http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

Join the Journey to Life group if you are ready to walk the mind to be equal and one with to have a chance to direct self according to what is best for all.

AND WALK DESTENI I PROCESS LITE COURSE FOR FREE:
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com
 
Okay, a self-responsibility point. Some psychedelic drug stories.
Some might disagree, some don't. It doesn't matter. I write out, I let go, I remain undefined.
If you have different view, please share!
Here is one interview from 'beyond the grave'
So.
It's about ACID. This singular word within me can bring up a whole network-halo interconnected with several branches, and the first branch of it I walk here of why I did the TRIPS within my mind.
I stopped using it since some years, before I started Desteni process, my last trip was in Thailand, with a French and a Japanese guy at an awesome psychedelic trance party and then I've realized it is obvious now that I am not supporting myself with it - maybe the first couple ones were cool to explode some shit to the surface of myself but after then it was of and as self-definition, so better to walk this path as it is coming up here.
I do not have to hunt after Self-dishonesties within and as me - I am walking and when the shit comes, I walk through or it will loop and intensify - and the subject I am referring to is obviously myself.
Any separation within me defined by myself as mind about my mind can not be valid, as any reason and justification I experience within my internal feedback system through thoughts, feelings and emotions is always a mirror of myself saying hello from my past when I've made the consequence with a specific acceptance and allowance of a conditional act of self-dishonesty.
So also I am walking through the judgments I have with LSD.
And I must pronounce I do not say LSD is BAD - but it is not GOOD either. It just is. Of this world. But the experience with the stuff is rather 'far' from any 'liberation' - it tweaks the mind, but all human's mind is using the physical body to get energy from - that is just a note for consideration. I see also that my body is not first class commando-capable in any moment now and I am not that old - I lived many years reckless and just run around not seeing far more than a meter and that was a process but seeing more far here I start to consider my body as equal as one as myself, no separation, no definition. Because any relationship I form within and as my mind - I am defined, limited, even when not realizing that.
So I have quite some vocabulary and word-relationship within my mind - regarding to drugs and I was unaware of that if I do not walk this trough, I am being influenced by people who might do 'stuff' - and it can even occur that I am not even aware of this influence. It is how I've emerged from childhood, I have tendency to be influenced by other humans -  especially with those who I've defined as likeness or goodness - defined but long time ago. So I walk the writing and put the words within and as me in front of me on the screen and seeing these words equal and one as who I am in this moment - I can walk through these self-accepted definition relationships within my mind what is being accessed, energized each time for instance I hear specific words, I am sure you also have some words what you not really like to hear or say or there are some what you like to hear or say because of the self-accepted perceived relationship you are responsible for maintaining and it is common sense to stop. So walking through these words I can walk trough reactions and layers of automatized self-acceptance regarding to things and defining the whole rule-set within the fuzzy-logic energetic mind through thoughts, feelings and emotions as they form relationships within ourselves with ourselves and the physical reality and others around us.
But to have a self-willed directive power here within the consideration of what is best for all is not possible until our relationship towards and within everything is not equal and one with ourselves, because then there is separation, there is definition, control, reaction.
So the key is to realize with words is how I am standing within relationship regarding to these words and not within and equal and one relationship, but of and as perceived separations by the words, what I walk here to be able to forgive and correct and re-align myself:

Wondering about who I am currently as some people even said to me that I could not become who I am without acid, and of course, but it was a phase in my life, I do not judge, I've had my moments, I've even enjoyed myself but not much people can really be aware of the physical consequences within and as our human physical body by these substances in long term and myself personally and you can send me feedback about how you see this that also there was a Desteni Portal interview about ACID(do you have the link for this one specific interview?;) how it was intensifying the mind by seeping of physical-life-substance-energy to transfer it to fuel the mind - and fascinatingly enough the mind was overcharged so many times with the stuff that at some points I even came close to really stop my mind for ever - but what I did not realize that currently I am not aware of how the mind is imbued and ingrained within and as the physical and without the mind operating so many functions within and as my human body, that without it I could simply just collapse.
Because that we, humans all became, energetic entities and without mind-energy we do not really move.
I even can experience that when I wake up I experience a some sort of dream-thought-waving experience within I am fueling up my mind and then me, become conscious and then waking up and then sitting, standing up.
So this is an other topic, but it is really the question of Self-honesty how fast one can walk through releasing all the self-delusions and really change within the consideration of what is best for all.

And MANY I had contact from this part of my life seems to still define themselves through drugs,  but for me it was never the issue. I always knew that as long I do the drugs, I can not be constant and consistent here - because it crawls up on me and it hits and then I flow and then it's depleting and then it's gone - and by these states I am influenced, directed - and by the influence I change perception and how and why I change perception was always the question, and wanting to 'realize' for ever more to not needing to take stuff anymore.
For me is the truth, the real truth of me and the reality with never changing undeniable eternal facts I was always 'looking for' - - for long years outside of me and I was looking this truth everywhere else but Here where and who I am in this moment.
So it is common sense to stop the seek and working on myself to be able to become comfortable with me and stop the conflicts within me what makes me change all the time but not as I want but as it happens.
So for me to let go the ACID was never a question, I did it until I was able to persuade myself that it is really supporting me but when the last trip happened, it was clear that it is just an energy blast within my mind what my body will take, what is the only real of me currently. So this body better write and write instead of think and react, or if I still think and react, then I write that down and walking the Self-forgiveness and Self-correction to really stop reacting to thoughts and stopping the thoughts by slowing myself down to be able to stop the thoughts before they 'occur'.

Also within this human law system these stuffs are mostly prohibited and absolutely illegal so if you are coming from that point of view, this is just a novel what I've made up to have fun and have an 'example' of walking through perceived self-definitions what limit me without me being aware of it.

For instance in the country I am being, even there are steps within law that somehow censoring personal blogs if it would intimidate the current government establishment, and that is quite bold because these guys can decide what it really means, what is so ridiculous that I am not writing about that any more words here.

So, acid, the "fire of St Anthony"

I was quite physically irritated from the very being I’ve became by consistently battling several conflicts within and as me throughout my previous years by the delusional realms of thoughts, feelings and emotions – and with ACID and similar drugs I was able to 'engineer' a kind of blank state, a fluid yet solid; some sort of empty mind experience what (according to my perception in that time) I was unable to attain without re-creating these virtual-death experiences within my mind through inducing energetic warfare by taking these substances.

And the goal was to be able to just look at something without having these judgments and reactions, apparently 'automatically', just me seeing an object in 3D with a fucking quiet mind, like no past, no future, not even 'now' but a presence what reach REALITY; what does not seem anybody around me was able to do, even the 'masters' seemed to be just like ordinary humans in terms of reacting to thoughts, feelings and emotions.
(In that time it was not clear like that, it was more on a resonant level, by that time I've referred to this as some sort of animal instinct)

So within the LSD trip I have my moments indeed, but I was never absolutely satisfied when I started to 'come back' to who I was from the experience of perceptional 'frequency change' within my mind.
Interestingly enough, I've uploaded quite some amount of VLOGS about these some years ago to my first youtube channel, talamoon, so if you are curious, here are some:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4s6CnTQ2n0&list=PLDD5657342E90A9DE

But after the trip was over,(whohoho, when the trip is over?), I mean when the judgment came within and as me as self accepting thoughts without questioning about 'okay, this is the point from now on the trip is 'officially' over. From now on I am 'back as who I was as myself' again.

And then I've tried to convince myself that 'the trip never ends' yet I was again facing my suppression as the default starting point towards everything what I did not enjoy within and as myself and the reality around me.

For instance for a while I was tripping weekly because after some days the inner reality of me was again re-forming, re-integrating into my action - so then I had the perception that I have to 'clear the board again and start over' - so then I was working on intensifying the trips so that when it flips, 'I' would never come back, as all hippie's dream is about: never ending trip - because within that state - I was able to just be quiet - because of the high dose of LSD or psylocibin(mushroom) or very rarely combined with MDMA(Ectasy) - and that 'extra' energy I did not realize back then that it was taking from my physical body, my tissues - but by that energy - I was able to just unify and liquify all of my mind and remain quiet inside.

So then I was intensifying the trips in order to maximalize the 'profit': the time being experienced within a quiet mind. Trance party

Some who at parties take these stuffs for 'just party' might smile on all the reasons for I've taken these stuffs and apparently having party but the starting point for me was always because of this 'shut fuck up, mind!' perception was - since from a moment it was never a choice to become this investigator of mind and reality and everyone seemed to be quite comfortable or not comfortable around me about the roles what they take in their life so to speak, but I never could really settle down - from family what I learned is that we are demons in hell, from movies I've learned without ego any money I remain powerless slave of surviving, from school I've learned if I can absorb faster and more knowledge and information than others, I am better, from love and relationships I've experienced also some sort of obsession and fear, with alcohol my family given enough example that it is straight goes to hell with it for long term, in that time I was really introverted and only I could really be comfortable with machines, computers and animals and alone and very-very some people - so I did not really see many choices, but to investigate and try out different living-styles because from where I emerged, it was a clear example that anything but this, and it was not 'bad', they 'loved' me, still my mother would give up her anything if it would require, do not misunderstand this, but she also got the fear and teach fear what is not required. Okay, I've written quite some about that some years ago here already, so I REALLY wanted change, especially after years of tripping with white light experiences, I've perfected my tripping techniques what I trusted that I do that and I will change.

I could fill a book just with those techniques but fortunately I've found a much-much more practical solution with Desteni for the same reason but I had to change my starting point and restart living from scratches within and as the principle of Equality and Oneness as Self as Life as the Physical. Try it to apply it within common sense and see it for yourself - but you are always equal and one with and as what you are within/ what you are experiencing, what you suffer from, what you deny or fight, everything is always, constantly SELF.

Self-forgiveness and Self-correction is here:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that with any chemical substance what induce perceptional and energetic shifts within me will help me to be a better person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the energetic temptation of hope in any way whatsoever and not realizing the consequence of it as playing a casino with expecting to win regardless of anything but my interest, me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to remain like I am currently regarding to my self-accepted and allowed relationships towards the points I feel I am existing within conflict.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worship energy within and as my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from remaining within the perception of separation I perceive myself to exist within and as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself that I do not what I should do and wanting others to tell me what to do and who I am because I do not know who I am and wanting to trust writings, scriptures, substances, others because wanting to polarize-back my energetic valuesystem of experiencing myself as not trusting me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being aware of my human physical body wherein and as I exist and consist of as my self-responsibility within and as physical reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/define/believe/hope that my responsibility ends with my border of my human physical body, meaning only my body I am responsible for and not realizing the context I am within and as equal as one as this reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to thinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with thinking actually I am thinking as myself fully here within presence and not realizing that when I think and I react to my thoughts, I am absolutely not here with and as all what is here but within self-separated self-secluded self-defined self-internal-feedback system what is of and as thoughts, emotions, feelings what is the resonant result of my constant and consistent Self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within wanting to being told what is the truth, my truth, actually I am disempowering my Self-honesty and Self-intimacy here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my first LSD experience as this is what I have to do but more in order to experience myself in an apparently more free view.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that using LSD for stopping my thoughts and feelings and emotions is always conditional and limited and will not last.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to boost my mind in order to be able to use it to transcend it as a separate entity within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being aware of the physical consequences of LSD within and as my human physical body as seeping off the life force to fuel mind consciousness system to have an apparently 'more real' experience and not realizing that within the starting point I was already compromised because I've defined myself according to two separate circumstances as 'tripping' and 'not tripping'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within the word 'tripping' meanwhile apparently weakening my human physical body here experience I was always aware of that by 'tripping away' I was abdicating my self-responsibility here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge acid as good or bad instead of realizing that what I project to it it is of and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project and totemize the acid instead of realizing that everything I've defined within and as me according to the word acid and LSD - is only of and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that with LSD I will be able to realize myself in a way that within a trip I will be flipped over and not coming back and not realizing that I was already 'was aware of' what I was doing in terms of finding words for what I did as 'wanting to go away from here' and 'not wanting to come back to who I've became and who I've defined myself to be' because I've defined myself as screwed up and I could not change myself and I wanted to start it over, with a blank new start, with a clear sheet by becoming 'tripping' constantly.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I was tripping and having these experiences - after the experience was gone, I've defined these experiences according to who I've defined myself to be before/meanwhile/and after taking the acid.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the common sense within writing everything down how and why and what exactly I experiece but wanting to be able to disregard anything of and as me regardless of any physical consequence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within and as my mind as consciousness system, I was always, constantly and consistently dependent on the human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my human physical body because I've defined it as a separate entity from me as I've defined myself as consciousness and within that definition I was unable to have any personal power to change who I was because all I did was disregarding my physical reality, started with disregarding my own human physical body and wanting to constantly take refuge only within experience and not realizing that it will not last and it is always self-dishonesty to not consider reality what I am actually sharing with others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my human physical body as prison and limitation and punishment and obstacle and as a piece of meat what I am bound to for a reason I do not understand.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a one single moment of realization which trough I can immediately be free and not needing to face the consequences of my acts and for what I am and who I am and what I am accepting and allowing within this world to happen and not realizing that within the want and hope I skipped to realize that constancy and consistency is imperative within real physical change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a trip, an experience to change me for ever to end the conflicts within me and not realizing that these conflicts I am reacting to, I am in fact responsible for maintaining them within and as me by a willful participation within thoughts and feelings and emotions because everyone is doing the same, because it is what has been taught to me, because all I've got was this, and my family was also like this, and everybody around me defined themselves according to these inner reactions(thoughts, feelings and emotions).

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within this world even if all human tend to define themselves according to thoughts, feelings, emotions, I still can be constant and consistent and unwavering within my starting point of disregarding my thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'shit' because I was unable to stop my mind in one breath and not realizing that stopping me would take time as it was time for becoming who I am currently and within physical reality, the time is the test for what is real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what I experience because within remaining undefined, I can never have an apparently valid knowledge within myself for to react with another self-definition to have an energetic experience within me to feel myself as I've defined as 'good'.
I forgive myself that I have acceped and allowed myself to desire to end all conflicts within and as me and not realizing that I can stop being CONFin-ed within Self-IN-flict-I-on simply becoming aware of my patterns and how and why I've became as conflict and writing all down to put myself to front of me and seeing it as who I am as words and relationships between words and understanding the decisions I've made in my past which through I've formed myself for who I experience myself to be and making the decision to change even when I do not know what will happen but it is obvious that within Self-honesty I can not accept myself as conflict anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from changing because I have NO knowledge about what will happen when I change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change and only actually change when compounding the conflict within me and then severing from conflict compounding frustration and when it is too much then moving to change what is unnecessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I do weekly acid trips, then I can keep myself clean from my own mind's intoxication until something more or new will happen what will be my interest and not realizing that giving into any quantum-moment to hope I have no chance because hope makes me wonder and not acting and within physical existence only act is real, I can not feed my body with hope, I actually have to eat physical food.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to investigate the conflicts within me and wanting to end the conflict by understanding and knowing myself but wanting to battle over and dominate my energetic mind-dominion with an apparently more strong energy, the LSD.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that since I've emerged within and as this physical existence I accepted and allowed myself to exist within conflict by seeing all the abuse around me and more far from my senses all around the world being done to others and reacting with a feeling of sadness and apathy and dis-empowerment and fear what I've suppressed as I could not handle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to help others in terms of while experiencing myself on drugs perceiving others how they are really suffering and my sufferings seemed very minor according to how I've seen others in real physical pain and misery.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because I could not really take the impact of how I perceived the world and others as really being in hell but themselves might not even realize how much they suffer because of the constant occupation within and as their mind and seeing this I was crushed by the fact that I could not do anything as I was not even being aware of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to save others and wanting to help others and not realizing meanwhile I was disregarding myself, and focusing to changing what I really can: myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've defined to be my responsibility to help others and change the world because apparently I did not see anybody else REALLY doing it yet reacting to this self-made conclusion as -I am in doubt that I can really save the world and not realizing the common sense to save myself from myself first.
I forgive myself that I have never ever considered/realized/seen that by defining my thoughts and the thinking process and the same with feelings and having feelings and emotions as directly myself and trusting these within and as me as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define emotions as avoidable because within emotional states I've became absolutly and totally automatic within reaction what made me experience myself in a way cold regardless of the heat of emotions, because within reactions I was really closed and limited.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge emotions as weakness because within emotions I was unable to control myself because I was defining myself according to constant controling myself because within the fear that if I do not control myself, I could lose myself and then I would do something stupid and irresponsible what I would regret to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have resistances within my manifested physically to write down everything exactly I think, experience, feel, because within writing I am actually assisting and supporting myself to acknowledge the patterns of self-dishonesty, because then I would be more aware of how and why I accept myself as self-dishonesty and within accepting myself to do so I could not stop judging myself as full of shit when seeing directly my responsibility and still not changing in one breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing the consequences of writing down everything what I consist of as thoughts, feelings, emotions because then I would have to fear from not changing because who I've became also was not an self-aware decision but of outer conditioning and inner reactions but within self-definition I had an apparent knowledge about how to survive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to surviving and not realizing that within surviving I consist of fear of death.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the self-induced perceptional mind-death experiences through psychedelic drugs I wanted to have an experience of death to know what it is and not fearing from it because I've defined really fearful what I do not know.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not knowing myself according to life and death.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the starting point of fear what I entail of is of reacting to what is not real, what is not here, but of knowledge and information what is not being placed into practical application.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe and define perceived 'mind-death' experiences as cheating within reincarnation, and perceiving myself as like reincarnating after each acid trip because within the trip something always changed and that change I've defined as because of death and even defining it as apparently 'joy' to blow my mind within the perception of some sort of 'attainment'.

Okay we've reached the point of 'enlightenment'. That will be in an other post.

Self corrective statements to re-align my starting point as life as all as equal as one within and as the physical.

When and as I experience myself wanting to just skip an experience within and as me, I realize I have the tendency to react automatically with wanting to energetically 'surge' my mind-state with something what would change my perception, coffee, weed or even green tea, computer game or sexual arousement - and then I realize this patterns I've walked many times and proven to me that it is not fully me, so I stop, I take responsibility for what I am accepting and allowing and committing myself to really deal with the issues what I want to skip, escape from.
When and as I experience any reaction to the word LSD or ACID, I stop, I breathe, I let go everything here, I am aware of all my definitions are self-created lies and traps what to if I react, I will timeloop with the exact same point what I do not wish, so I simply stop, breathe, disengage, I forgive myself specifically and I focus on what I am actually doing before the distraction as inner reaction.
When and as I think that LSD/acid is good, great, I stop, I breathe, and I realize how I experienced myself with my last trip and the extensive tiredness and intensified mind-experience was really physically uncomfortable what was simply facing myself with a velocity of an artillery what I do not want anymore.
When and as I think that LSD/acid is bad, shit, I stop, I breathe, and I realize that judging it as negative is the same as judging it as positive, and if I do not want to take it then I do not take it and that's all.
When and as I would consider taking acid in a mind-state wherein it would be a great idea, I stop, I breathe, I realize I react by thoughts, feelings and emotions what I've created when I was not aware of the physical consequence of having a starting point of mind mind and in fact I've made the decision to not take any more trips because it is not supporting me as Life.
When and as I want to take a trip on mushroom, I realize I've stopped it some years ago because I've made the decision to not induce my mind with trips anymore because first I'd rather become comfortable with and as myself than trying to make chemical warfare within and as my mind, especially having already physical reference of that the real change and real realizations I've made are by Self-honest writing and applying Self-forgiveness so that is my way, regardless of the intensity of the experience what would make me react to starting to want tripping with mushroom.
When and as I having an inner reaction that a woman who I would define as attractive or important or really fascinating would want me to take trip, I stop reacting and I remain here and I am breathing within awareness of I've made the decision and compromising myself because of a desire what is directly sexual desire or linked with a layer of hope of sexual desire - I stop, I become aware of my physical and principled living based on Self-honesty and presence and common sense.
When and as I fear that I might be punished by the system establishment for I had these experiences or I am sharing about these experiences - I stop, I take responsibility and I use common sense based on what is best for me and best for all equally.
When and as I have the inner reaction to recklessly and irresponsibly wanting to endanger my process by playing russian-rulett with the establishment's law enforcement about how they would react if I would tell them how substances I've taken what they would react to as illegal and punishable - I breathe, I let it all go and I am here as presence and using common sense.
When and as I am experiencing fading my presence within and as my human physical body, I realize, my Location is within and as my human physical body and wherever I would go from this, that I stop, and if I can not change within this, I write down and I investigate and I walk through within Self-honesty to make sure that I am aware of that I am Here as my Location and the only thing I can trust is myself as my human physical body as reality.
When and as I do not experience my body, I stop, I breathe here as self, I become aware of my limbs, my fingers, especially on my feet, because from my mind's perspective that is quite far, as almost 2 meters away from my head, and by becoming aware of it, becoming aware of my toes and as I move my toes, I re-align myself here as the physical yet not defining this at all but remain inner silent and push my expression here within self-aware breathing, one by one, slowly, constantly.
When and as I want to speed up my process, I realize I can only speed up become Self-honest and change in one breath by willing myself to change and actually exploring my change, regardless of what will happen next.
When and as I am with others doing psychedelic drugs, I remain here as physical presence and undefined within and expressing myself within breathing and physical acting.

Self-commitment statements to really change:
I commit myself to investigate all experiences and reactions within myself regarding to the word LSD and acid.
I commit myself to share my experiences and realizations according to tripping.
I commit myself to stop wanting to get high because of anything.
I commit myself to disengage and release and delete and remove all associations and inner reactions arising within me regarding to the words LSD and acid to release the past and be always constantly here.
I commit myself to STOP wanting/desiring/acting to become energetically intensified and end all conflict within and as me by force.
I commit myself to be responsible for each act I do.
I commit myself to PREVENT harm by choosing first already what is best for all and within writing and Self-forgiveness actually preparing myself practically LIVING my decision and not using the excuse that "I did not want this but this is how it turned out, I am sorry", what is a deliberate self-dishonesty because I can prepare myself to act according to principle.
I commit myself to stop accepting any conflict within and as me and in one breath daring myself to be absolutely Self-honest and living physically and disregarding the mind as thoughts, emotions, feelings and expressing myself directly and undefined in every moment.

Okay this should be also a series, many points I opened here.
Possible continuation titles from here:

1. Re-aligning self-starting point from drug-minded to and as self physical here
2. Digging about people persuading me
3. Walking through patterns of I persuaded people
4. Walking through persuasion and spiritualism and drugs
5. Psychedelic drug symbolism construct release
6. Self-projection future creation path of enlightenment to hell backtracking

 Thanks for reading, enjoy Breath and Try Self-forgiveness on stuff what you are bothered with within and as you and dare to change according to a Self-willed decision within Self-honesty - on an addiction, a fixation, a compulsion, an obsession, an impossible desire to fulfill or a fear or anything  just write and expand - it's free and the best for you, for me and for all;)