[JTL Day 223] Decomposing Fear of Pain

Eclipse 2015 March

I continue with the personality decomposition from my last post:

• [JTL Day 222] Decomposing Personality of Fear

The point from where I continue is the state when I feel uncomfortable, pain. Recently I had a taste of it, almost all day I had a headache. I rarely have headaches, but when I do, I experience myself quite differently, mostly notable that my 'sphere of awareness' is extremely reduced, which itself makes me react already like a 'caged animal', because I got used to the experience of actively and passively noticing things around me, which gives the 'feel' of I can have options, not just 'sliding through an experience-tube' by constantly reacting things without seeing ahead.
So it's a wakefulness, a sort of alertness I 'normally' 'have'/'do', which as I see, has a part of personality and has a part of natural self-expression, which if I 'lose', I am less 'comfortable' already and the reason I write about it here is exactly the decomposition and self-honest realization of need for correction, re-alignment as it's based on fear, separation, self-interest.

I do not feel comfortable while being defined, automatically boxed into states/reactions, even if it's coming from within, because it's not practical - the moment is always blooming absolutely uniquely within each breath, so by self-automation I actually compromise myself based on a self-definition, a conviction, an idea or a fear, which the more I accepted in the past, the more I allow to be part of me without questioning, without being able to see/realize/understand it/me and be able to stop, change.

So as I wrote about energy, seriousness and personality, fear - here I add another word-dimension: PAIN.

When I do experience pain, I have the tendency to become much less open, present and my personality gets a goal to ensure to minimize and stop the pain to be able to return to the state of wakefulness.

But what are the points behind my personalities what has been defined/formed and shaped who I am today according to pain?

I walk Self-forgiveness to explore the self-definitions I've accepted to consist of to see what I have to understand/stop and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my goal, reason and purpose to stop and avoid experiencing pain, because defining that pain is bad, pain is changing me, pain is ruining me, pain is destroying me by defining that it takes all my attention, energy to itself, feeling like demanding all my beingness to give into which I do not want to because feeling like losing myself, my time, my resources, my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that when I experience pain, that it means something, when my human physical body experiences pain, it means a problem, which means requires attention and solution.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can apply common sense to ask myself what is my pain actually means and why I experience it, what would be the common sense to do in order to assist/support myself when experiencing physical pain to heal/recover.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is completely up to me to define and act upon fear of who I am and what I am going to do and even when I am in pain - I am still here and my actions still have consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as something to be feared, avoided in all cost, even if it means to realize/expose something self-dishonest/delusional because of the fear of loss, fear of unknown, fear of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge that I fear from pain because of fear of change, because fearing that if I would have pain, I would have remain within pain and within the experience of pain I am accepting and allowing myself to be reactive, self-interested, the opposite of aware and being able to consider my environment, others, which is not necessary, just it is how I've accepted and allowed myself to define as a protection mechanism personality manifestation in case of pain and fear of pain, which I can open up, understand, stop and change within consideration of myself, solution and others as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that within the experience of pain I would do something reckless, irresponsible to myself or to others what I would regret when the consequence could not be changed once I did it, therefore within the experience of pain I try to close down and suppress myself as much as possible to avoid harm and within that becoming afraid of acting irresponsibly which then I would use to fuel to be able to close myself down more and not realizing that by this the more I become automatic, reactive and in fact be able to take responsibility for myself and my surroundings and in fact be able to apply the common sense for actual solution to stop the pain and also to prevent it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately program myself, my personality, my reactions, my physical beingness to automatically choose to avoid pain, even when the pain is not great, long and rather choosing avoiding it than choosing common sense, which does not mean to abuse my human physical body, but for instance when necessary to work hard and it's consequence would be some pain to refuse it within the fear of pain and it's consequence without awareness, without consideration or common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give permission to my mind, my thoughts, feelings, emotions to always have right when it comes about to avoid pain, avoid situation of possibility for pain, and justify it with the reason of 'I should not feel pain and it is who I am'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically exclude others from my consideration when I experience pain with the justification of 'I have the right to disregard everything else but my pain and my reaction/strategy to apply for this pain' without any awareness of consequence and ability to apply common sense, overwritten by the self-automation I've defined who I am in reaction to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can remain here, present, self- and life-aware, within consideration of myself and others, consequences and manifestations even during the experience of pain, just first I should understand, decompose and stop my current personality definitions according to reactions to pain and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as something within I lose myself, within what I do not feel myself, I can't experience myself but the pain itself and not realizing that within that moment what I automated myself to do is self-separation, trying to exclude myself from the pain, the experience by creating polarity in my mind, energetic experiences and within that not seeing that in fact I separate myself from myself and within that split I lose directive principle with/on/as myself and that losing I am completely aware of and that I feel like losing myself which I do not want and never realizing the common sense to embrace myself, embrace the pain.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I fear being changed by pain then I am manifested in a way that in case of pain I will change and within fearing to lose myself who I am in regards to pain actually I manifest the experience of losing the self-definition about who I am in pain and all the while I am not fully myself but who I defined myself according to pain which was not real therefore who I act as in the meantime is also not who I really am but according to the fear and self-definition about pain, which is completely my creation.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that according to the avoidance of pain, the fear of pain I've created myself and my starting point, my personality, my reactions, my actions only within the consideration of my own interest, which I believed who I am and not realizing that I actually am existing also within the rest as well just I've accepted and allowed myself to be completely occupied with my experience, my personality about to avoid and prevent my pain in the fear of losing who I am and not seeing/realizing/understanding that within the reaction to fear I am manifesting the actual losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I activate a personality within my mind to tell me how to behave, how to react, how to feel, how to act, I fear of pain, fear of losing myself within pain, and not realizing that within focusing to this experience and physical reaction to fear I create what I participate within, thus strengthening this fear, fear of pain, fear of fear to such extent that there is no other reason exists but to justify to avoid the fear and pain, even if it's not real, not related to the current scenario I am within.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware of the thought/feeling/emotion process of convicting myself about how I react to fear, to pain and believing that I can't directly feel, experience, be this pain but needing to define/relate to/think/feel/have emotion about in order to process/to deal with because if I would absolutely and totally embrace it as this is who I am in this moment, I believed that I would lose myself or I would change to such an extent that I would again: lose myself and not realizing that what I can lose might not be me at all and within that who I perceive, think, define myself to be according to fear, pain, experiences, situations is not really who I am but what I created in order to deal with myself/what is here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to actually question and explore, realize and understand the origin of pain within my human physical body and my relationship to it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that how and when I abuse and exploit my own human physical body as life-source with the process of mind-activities and within that taking responsibility to stop the abuse of fueling mind consciousness systems within myself with the fear and my automatic reactions to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any resistance to face any fear is also a layer of self-definition of fear and it creates conflict within me which means energy, polarity, friction toward something I accepted and allowed myself to exist within relationship through and as consciousness systems based on words manifested as thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, images and never realizing that what I resist persists and the more I try to separate it from me here, the more I manifest it in and as this physical existence within the perception of separation but in fact I am always one and equal with all what is here as creator, creation and created within equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that to accept and allow systems within me separated from me being directly here is based on resistance, fear, which is of friction, conflict and the only way to take responsibility and become the directive principle of all who I am within and as existence is unification, embracing all who I am existing as today and stop participating within what is self-dishonest, based on fear, self-interest unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the practicality and common sense, effectiveness and directness of the writing/sounding/acting self-forgiveness in relation to all self-accepted relationships I exist and consist of to recognize all patterns of what is not self-honest, what is not supporting all life and simply stop participating one by one until I am free of any fear, any need of separation, any systems of self-definitions, any mind-participation.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that the process of application of self-forgiveness is the process of finding and expanding, manifesting and expressing unconditional self-trust, self-direction and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within the experience of pain I've allowed myself to be defined as the victim, prey, that I can't do anything about it so the best strategy against it is to prevent pain at all cost, even if it means to act upon this prevention at all cost, meaning only considering my interest of this prevention of pain.
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I commit myself to stop participate within any resistance toward pain, to accept any justification and excuse for why not to face what I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest, become in order to realize/see/understand the utmost responsibility I have within embracing, stopping, changing all what is here which is not as Life as who I am as equal as one.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand in every aspect of my breathing life that there is not a single consequence I can escape from in this existence thus the common sense is to face/embrace/unify myself with all what is here as who I am and stop the mind of thoughts/feelings/emotions of self-dishonesty breath by breath within the accumulation of walking the Process of Application of Self-Forgiveness.

I commit myself to decompose all aspects of my manifested behavior which entails, contains, tainted, stimulated, influenced by fear of pain and realize that the fear from changing by facing, experiencing, embracing pain is futile within the fact that the more I separate myself from what I have allowed here in and as the physical, the more I lose directive principle thus unable to take responsibility to stop and change as myself as equal as one, therefore I commit myself to stop running and hiding from fear and within that from pain as realizing that who I am should not be defined or influenced by any fear therefore if I see it within me moving, reacting, I investigate, understand, forgive and stop myself as this self-definition, as this reaction until there is nothing here only the "I am here".

When and as I see a responsibility but I resist it because of any fear or pain, not seeing any gain or not feeling any energy by it - I motivate myself as decision, self-will, act as self-direction without any need for stimulation, gain or fear from lose, based on principled living of what is best for all with practical common sense.

When and as I fear from changing by experiencing pain, I become aware of the pattern what I used to use for avoiding the pain and becoming the personality for avoiding this pain and realizing what is the starting point of this fear, who I am as it's source and what I must be done in order to prevent further pain to cause.

When and as I experience pain, I realize that as I move toward my center of my being and excluding my reality, others - it is a pattern what I've developed by time and the same way I can decompose, stop it and become practical instead of reactive, open and directive instead of closed and reactive by acting immediately with self-trust, self-movement.

When and as I resist losing something within risking, I apply common sense and stop using the excuse of 'not wanting to be reckless and irresponsible' in order to justify fear of pain and fear of fear and trust myself to find my limits and walk through them breath by breath.

When and as I see that I am not trusting myself unconditionally, I stop and I re-align and forgive myself about everything I have in my mind and realize that all is excuse for accepting self-limitation instead of living self-direction so within that I write, sound, apply self-forgiveness unconditionally.

When and as I see that I face timelooping within facing/stopping/changing a pattern which does not support me, I ask for support, not allowing myself to get possessed by the idea of 'I must have to fight this', 'I am handling it', 'I got this' as realizing it is not about myself and within that realizing that within DesteniIProcess course and the group I can express my points to get support without any fear of judgement or separation and within that to realize that when I am able to assist and support others, it is myself who I give support to and assist to within the practical application of walking through self-separation, self-dishonest self-interest and thus re-writing, re-aligning, re-educating, re-birthing myself as life as equality and oneness in and as this human physical body.

[JTL Day 219] Sounding Self-forgiveness part 3

I specify the Self-forgiveness process

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see-realize-understand that when I have a specific physical feeling of losing presence, I allow myself to not stop, to not correct/re-align/forgive myself immediately but keep doing what I do and not considering that I am being influenced with the starting point of that specific feeling which I am sure that it is an indication of participating within uncertainty, worry, fear and it is not the best for me and all yet I do not stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to identify all the patterns wherein I go into the uncertainty, worry, anxiety, fear and never realizing why overlooked this point which always ended up accumulating into a point of losing presence, direction, clarity entirely and only then re-aligning and doing what is necessary, what was from the beginning possible to do as self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to make myself practically aware of the physical indication of when too much acid is being produced within my stomach and the slight tension and physical experience of energetic 'boiling' is present and it's like a sort of sweating but not literally, but it's obvious, physical, in fact not cool but being in the pattern what I react with the worry/uncertainty , what I've defined as wanting to stop it with all my attention but still not stopping it's origin, ME and therefore disregarding MYSELF HERE from this equation because in the belief that by focusing to the point while not being aware how I focus as who I am, who is focusing and therefore not being also aware that I am making a mistake by reacting within fear, manifesting doubt, compromising self-trust and not realizing that the solution is to stop, re-align, understand what I fear losing and apply common sense, self-forgiveness to express a new chance and find practical ways to change breath by breath, action by action.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within the worry I am focusing to the reaction I fear, instead of the facts and the solution therefore compromising to be able to do all I can in order to solve, therefore I am part of the problem and not seeing it because focusing to the worry, actually wanting to solve it without solving myself as I accept and allow myself to remain within the worry and also wanting to stop this worry not by and as me here directly stop but with external circumstances, changes which with I condition my direction, stability, trust.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all my fears I think of, it is always time or money-related therefore all I can do is to become practical, pragmatic and effective within time- and monetary management of myself to stop the worry and the fear and within this to stand up to and stop, I actually get to know who I really am within the relationships I've accepted myself to react with doubt, comparison, judgement, polarity and separation from me here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that until I do not face, open up, understand, be equal and one with, forgive, stop and change each point of worry, uncertainty, fear, then all these points I am responsible for accumulating to create, experience more worry, uncertainty, fear meanwhile preventing myself to give myself trust, presence, consistency.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within fearing from not having enough time I do not commit myself and push myself to apply what it takes to use my time within self-honesty as effective as I can without the influence of fear.

I forgive myself that I have stopped myself before doing all I could thus giving opportunity to blame myself - and within that I do allow doubt.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to use doubt to cross-reference that what I did not do what I could and not using it for practical self-correction to be able to become more effective to solve the problems I see not trusting myself to solve and simply do all I can without any judgement/definition/expectation/comparison/fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that if I do not have a purpose within my actions, there is no direction, there is no commitment, there is no principle, there is no consistency and within the accepted desire or ways to try to explain why I would not need to create a purpose, in fact because I am within doubt, I do not know myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can use the process of self-intimacy, self-forgiveness to know who I am here and to decide to stop and prevent the doubt and investigate what exactly I fear and by that I get to know myself, I learn with what I can trust myself and by that I can see what can be my purpose with and as I can stand and live within responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that resisting sounding Self-forgiveness I resist to really and immediately realize/take responsibility for/change the doubt/fear within, therefore I commit myself to stop any resistance for applying Self-forgiveness, aloud, written.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that not wanting to voice, sound, word my Self-forgiveness I have a tendency to want to suppress, to remain mind, to feel energy within, to react, to judge, to compare, to feel, which then indicates that there is a layer behind I am able to see/direct/apply myself which then I commit myself to face, explore, forgive and stop immediately.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that Self-forgiveness is something I can apply in each moment regardless of any situation and if I do not say/word aloud it - I can still apply it in the moment, all the forgiveness I've written/said before, the decision to stop the mind, to stop the participation within the comparison, polarity I can apply in every moment to accumulate presence, direction, trust with and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what points exactly I've reacted with worry and allowed myself to accumulate into anxiety and learning why not faced and directed myself to stop the worry, because previously I've defined anxiety/worry only to be worked on when it is so overwhelming that I am unable to do anything and when I am still able to do what I do, just it is a slight 'tune', a 'mood', a 'feeling', a 'tension' - it is still self-dishonesty and the common sense is to stop it immediately and entirely, and if there is a reason why I do not stop myself/the worry/anxiety - then that reason I commit myself to open up, explore, understand, forgive and stop and change myself by understanding I do not need to have any reason why I would accept myself to participate within the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about not doing my work properly because someone complains about my work and taking it personally and not realizing that instead of reacting to it, I can directly see what I can actually do about it and within that not realizing that by the energy/time/effort of reacting with 'uncertainty/worry' - instead of that energetic, separate 'investment' accumulation, I can directly focus on the solution and preventing myself to react with fear, preventing to accumulate doubt/worry but actually accumulating practical self trust here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've allowed myself to be screwed with my internal energetic addiction to perfection, which then wanting to manifest but not focusing on the thing, the decision I do, the practical application fully, but still reacting with worry about 'not becoming perfect' and with that I am distracting myself from the practical application and in fact manifesting what I worry from - imperfection because I am not fully here, I am split, I am existing within separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with reactions to overcome/balance out the worry/fear, which are in fact justifications and excuses based on accepting the conflict within me first, and wanting to overcome and reason with it by saying not having enough time/resource/understanding to solve it but in fact not seeing/moving beyond this layer of self-deception based on another worry/fear I am not aware of, which simply means I must explore and specify further with the tools of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can support myself with applying the tools of Desteni/Desteni I Process every day and to understand the facts why I not change and within this realizing that constant and consistent application is required every day to walk, meaning writing, sounding self-forgiveness and self-correction, self-commitment, specifically to practical change, direct my-reality-life-related re-programming.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that breathing, stopping myself is not enough, stopping reactions is not the solution, it is just the step before it to give myself the opportunity to develop understanding, motivation and decision on how exactly I change and if I am not specific enough, if I am not absolute, then all I manifest is stopping myself and in fact not really changing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all limitations I face and accept and allow every day and keep allowing the next day are also my responsibility and about that I can make the decision to question/understand it of how I can stop and pass that specific limitation and find out who I can be beyond that with exploring new areas, expressions, dimensions within action.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand how exactly I accepted my limitations and why I accepted these as myself within the details such as financial limitations, doubt-based limitations, which are also points I can understand and see what practical solutions I can find to stop and change actually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the energetic movement within my human physical body around my solar plexus whenever I face something I do not define and within that feeling that the energy is moving around, spread from within the center of my physical body and being aware of that this is part of a suppression/feeling but not seeing how exactly, what I hide specifically and just wanting to ignore within the belief that this is not relevant, this will not affect me and this is unrelated to my limitations I face and in fact use as excuse and hideout for why I do not take responsibility for change myself and my reality as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within not being aware of what are the definitions/words I react within energetic movement within and as my human physical body, that does not mean it is fully undefined, but it is that I am not aware of it, it is so quick or deep, accepted as 'normal' that I gave permission to my mind-body relationship to fully automatize without my awareness, yet it is still stimulating, influencing me, supporting thinking, doubt, judgements based on the original self-dishonesty, fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the sound of me, the voice of me, the resonance of me of standing up and expressing myself as physical being, the words, the action, the actual living of not giving into the energetic reactions, but standing up and in the moment forgiving myself as the decision to dig further, for specifying my understanding further and live practical action to stop the energy, stop the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I give into the action of habits I am diminishing my Self-honesty and doing patterns which are not Self-movement, not facing/understanding/stopping/walking through my limitations but actually allowing them as separated from me as who I am and existing behind these self-created wall and feeling frustrated about it and the reactions/energies/judgements/thoughts about my self-limitation to use to fuel myself to stand up to my limitations and when there is no reaction as thinking/fear/suppression then stopping facing myself/my limitations therefore not stepping beyond the trap of 22 of wanting to change but using energy to change meanwhile to have energy I have to do what I always do as judgement/reaction/separation/thinking/fear, therefore not changing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize exactly what are the habits and patterns I use to react and charge up as mind as energetic being, but in fact these are so obvious, meaning entertainment, thinking, always planning, but giving into the temptation of just do something about these without being specific, fully present, aware, disciplined, thus not being effective as much as I could, thus not being committed as I could, as I would needed to be the most practical I could, because always ending up using patterns what I think as effective based on judgements/polarity/thinking meanwhile I sure of that I can trust myself only when I am not listening to thoughts, when there is no fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within Self-forgiveness it is not just breathing, stopping what I have to do but actual motion, movement, action to live and become and each and every single thought I have - can be stopped by changing myself and the actions I take within Self-honesty and any time I act and if I still think/feel energies within me moving without me directing as Self within Awareness - it is the indication that I am still influenced by judgement/reaction/polarity/memory/fear, which means I stopped directing myself to further Self-forgiveness to apply and live to specify, therefore I see the problem and the solution which is I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself about worrying that if anyone would hear me of me saying aloud Self-forgiveness and then I would need to explain why and what I do and not wanting to bother about that because of thinking that it is my stuff and it should not be shared with others because defining, that would be waste of time to try to explain and within that not realizing that I accept to have a doubt about "what if I can't explain myself" or "what if the others would react with further questioning or judgements and me not wanting to bother about it" and within this not stopping and asking why I worry about scenarios what are just my projections in my head and actually not realizing that I've defined myself and my application of Self-forgiveness as "private" by default, as a rule, but in fact I've given permission to this rule to tell me what to do instead of trusting myself in the moment to decide when I can actually open up and share about what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within Self-forgiveness to apply as Sounding because of the belief that I would not want to get attention, what would lead to being judged and not realizing within that I judge myself and I can stop it and also I can look it within common sense and realizing that for instance while I am working with others I might not want to apply Self-forgiveness because we are busy with something and within those moments I can stop for a moment, take a breath, re-align myself to be here and direct myself to continue the work and in a case where I am unable to do so, meaning being distracted, so much reactions, energies come up within me, then I can communicate that I need one- or more - minutes to catch myself up and then continue if possible and if not, for instance driving in traffic or landing a plane - then I apply breathing, physical presence and pushing myself to be here in each moment and within this I let go the need for thinking, reactions to tell me how and what to do.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that each and every single day is the opportunity to stop the mind and if I do not accumulate into that, then I am accumulating into accepting and allowing myself to remain within and as my mind, which is the manifested consequence of self-acceptance of self-dishonesty, therefore I commit myself to focus to what is really bothering me in the mind to understand/forgive/stop/change each day and if ever I see a point and resisting it to face - it is the indication that I must face it directly as soon as possible because that is a self-accepted limitation which will only be stopped when I direct myself to walk through it without resistance/reaction/fear once and again and again until I change to the degree that it is not limiting me anymore and I do not react.

When and as I get the energies/butterflies/feelings moving around within my human physical body, I do not participate, I remain here, present, directive and I see what I was participating within before and what was the point I was giving attention to with judgement/polarity/fear/thinking and I stop - I realize that if I have energies moving around within me, then there is a problem which I do not perceive as something to solve but as something I react to with patterns I've accepted in the past and re-creating the experience of suppression/judgement/fear into the future instead of seeing how I can stop it as myself without any separation within responsibility.

When and as I see that I worry about not having enough money to what I want to do, I stop the worry by realizing that worry is fear and meanwhile I fear, I am not present, I am not seeing facts but I imagine scenarios what are not facts and therefore giving my attention, focus, direction power to something not helpful and if I want to use worry and fear as practical support, then I look at how much I spend to what and what would be a scenario to expand financially and then actually do it, for instance finding job what pays better, and then within that figuring out in reality what it actually takes to do that and then doing it and if any reaction/worry would come up within considering to do something about not having enough money, then I apply self-forgiveness to that, I stop the fear, I stop being mesmerized by reactions to things I judge as not cool/bad/undesired by embracing that I can be one and equal with the aspects of me as fear and stop it as self here.

When and as I fear about what would happen if I would apply self-forgiveness aloud because of the time it would take and fearing of losing time - I stop this fear as I realize that sounding words is not a lot of time except I only sound the words but not living as myself but just for exerting energy, for calming myself by hearing my voice in which case I look beyond the need for this and realize what I actually fear from and I also realize that what I really want is to live without fear and for that I must walk the process of Self-forgiveness and within that it is common sense to walk through it once properly, rather than wanting to rush through it and then after realizing that I was not specific and I did not really stop and change due to being in the effect of fear of not having enough time and within that not realizing that I've valued and prioritized time more than self here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within worrying of how much time would take something to walk through as being realized as self-dishonesty within, is that I've defined time and energy and effort more than Self Here, and within that identifying myself with time itself and by that wanting to do things faster, and within that not realizing that I am prioritizing quantity instead of quality, and not seeing that it is based on a fear, which if I allow as a starting point, I actually not stop the mind but I am still of and as my mind as fear of losing, judgement and comparison which is of polarity, of separation, as self-dishonesty, therefore I commit myself to stop the definition of time to use within Self-forgiveness.

When and as I fear of losing time, too much time within slowing down myself to the degree of seeing, writing, sounding one word at a time, then I stop the fear and realizing that it is not practical, because for proper work there is a certain amount of time it takes within this physical existence and also I realize that if I do not walk it really, then it will come back as it is in fact myself who did not really change, so in fact I re-create the point to face and eventually realize that if I apply myself every day, moment by moment within Self-trust, there is enough time, and within that realizing that time is irrelevant, because the process as self-accepted Self-dishonesty I've manifested myself to be - is here and there is no way out but to walk through each and every single self-dishonesty pattern in 'real' time.

When and as I fear of taking risks and wanting to use patterns what I've defined as worked out/trustworthy, I stop and I realize that if I risk on stopping and changing - I still define what I hold onto in my mind as more important than who I could be without fear therefore I stop fear of losing, I stop defining what I have as who I am and rather I re-define myself to live within self-honesty in each moment and realizing that who I am here I cannot lose therefore all I fear from losing is not me here thus I commit myself to forgive and let go.

[JTL Day 217] Sounding Self-forgiveness part 1

Recently I've started to expand on the immediate Self-forgiveness application for direct realization/change support.

There are some points what are assisting to write down and expand in support and preparation for the Sounding Self-forgiveness expression.

By sounding, saying aloud the specific Self-forgiveness I immediately take responsibility for what I realize I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within and the application is already a self-solidifying expression: there is no better time and place to understand, re-align and change, express and live the realization within self-honesty than here and now.

There are situations wherein it is not common sense to stop what I do for Self-forgiveness, but what I've found that it can also become a self-compromise as if I keep saying that 'this is not the right time', yet I do not give time and effort for these realizations, not writing notes, recording audio/video - expanding from actual understanding to self-correction, self-commitment, then I have to face the fact that I am not dealing with the points coming up to change within self-honesty.

So it is a key to reflect back, to ask within Self-honesty - Am I able to trust myself within the decision making of 'when it is the right/appropriate/good time for applying Self-forgiveness?

It can easily become a habit to cover myself with excuses and justifications that 'I am so busy, what can I do?'.

And there are times certainly when indeed it is not possible/practical/supporting to stop and sound myself, or even to re-collect myself within, such as while giving a lecture on something different or driving etc - but the my current reality is also a reflection, the manifested consequence of who I am - and how and what I've accepted myself to become today. So There might be even resistances, layered reasons why I can accept myself as: limited what I have to face, emerge into and stand as the decision and the practical change during resistances.

The resistances from within are also something to be educated about - where these come from and why? Why do I resist to understand and stop something which I see as self-dishonest?

These are the questions what with one can assist and support with facing resistances, not only about the practical Sounding Self-forgiveness, but anything within one's process of self-realization.


Lets' walk my 'personal' deepending of understanding in regards to my resistances to Sounding Self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use excuse for not applying Self-forgiveness in the moment based on the perceptions, judgements of that it is not possible/appropriate/supporting/practical when if I really would decide, I could create opportunity to have a minute for myself and forgive what I've allowed and accepted and thus immediately taking responsibility, deepening the actual details of the self-dishonesty and direct myself to re-align and stop and change and also in the moment apply to what is necessary to further understand, reveal, acknowledge for be able to apply the necessary practical change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about the time it would require to stop what I do when I see the opportunity for Self-forgiveness to apply for immediate re-alignment within Self-honesty and using this value, worth of time perception as an excuse yet not allowing myself to effectively live the change later.

I forgive myself that I have not realized what is the exact reason that when I do not apply later the realization what I 'suppress to apply' with Self-forgiveness in the moment and accepting myself as not applying later, even when in the moment I decide doing so and within that to manifest not facing/acknowledging/understanding/realizing that I am Self-dishonest with myself about 'I will walk this forgiveness/correction/commitment later.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within to lie to myself I accumulate lack of self-trust, doubt, thus friction, instability, further Self-dishonesty, in addition to the already self-accepted self-dishonesty and not realizing that what I accumulate is who I am manifesting myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being effective, diligent, practical within taking notes about the realizations of what I decide not to immediately forgive/walk through/re-align myself about and even further not investigating WHY I do not direct myself to become effective, WHAT is the reason for not taking really responsibility and HOW I actually still being influenced by judgements, opinions, energetic experiences in regarding to how/why/when I apply Self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I allow myself to become occupied with thoughts, reactions, energies within my mind which if I focus to I am being distracted to what I actually decided to do and within accepting that - I actually give my permission, my already manifested consequence of my past to influence/direct me and instead of trusting myself here in every moment, still prioritizing specific moments, scenarios, circumstances wherein I give into the reaction, the self-definition instead of immediately applying Self-forgiveness for being distracted and re-align by breathing, actually doing what is common sense here and direct myself to let go the thoughts, reactions as myself as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've allowed myself to judge the immediate, in and as moment Self-forgiveness application to be 'dangerous' in terms of not knowing how many times it would take to walk through a point ENTIRELY, throughout, until I am standing here within absolute self-direction to stop it because judging the layers of my mind as too many, and imagining what if I would have to apply Self-forgiveness in the moment sounding for 5-10-30-60 minutes and it would seem too much because then it would block myself to live my day what I was about to do, such as working, being with people etc based on the fear that then I would lose the connection with what I did before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not walk a point until I am here directive and clear about it within Self-forgiveness because defining it would be too much time and effort what I do not have currently which is the excuse for not walking a point within absolute self-honesty yet facing it again and again and again and not realizing that what I fear losing actually I lose by repeating the same pattern instead of really forgive and really change immediately without fear from becoming too off-topic from what was my 'day' about, such as working, being with people.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can apply Self-forgiveness directly and specify it within effective Self-honesty the way that I am punctual, that I see into me and immediately be aware of what is the reason I prevented myself to immediately understand and stop and change myself about this specific point I am applying.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can accumulate effective practical Self-forgiveness to accumulate Self-trust within actual change that I do not give up yet it does not become a fight, a friction-caused reaction-pattern which drives me to 'walk' the Self-forgiveness further, but rather I decide and live that decision unconditionally and if there is points undermining this decision to live, then I start with those points to understand/apply Self-forgiveness to stop and really change.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've used memory as an excuse for why I do not apply Self-forgiveness in the moment for points what are not obvious/simple, but would require more than one-two Self-forgiveness statements, maybe five or fifteen and within thinking that I will not remember these exactly, then starting to doubt that I should apply it and not questioning why I've judged as multiple sentences are something I would not remember, thus eventually I would not remember to stop and apply the change within this 'giving up' judgement, which is based on comparison with something as referred as 'too big/much/long' which is in fact an excuse.


I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see-realize-understand that I can apply a scheduling, a directive regular session for my walking of notes from 'real time' participation in the daily doings, meaning each day or once in two-three days actually gifting myself the time and effort to go through the points I've put aside to later forgive/correct/change - which is simple, taking the calendar, picking a time and then do it.


I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to remain within the clarification of the realization that with and AS Self-forgiveness I can walk through any Self-dishonesty I still accept and allow and within this realization - if I still not apply it, there is something to prioritize, what is that I can understand/forgive/change about that acceptance and actually going though this until the core of my beingness and change myself from within with decision, discipline, commitment and accumulation of the Process of Self-forgiveness applied written and sounded, said aloud.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even think for a moment about why I do not need to apply Self-forgiveness/change and accept that thought as me and my decision without realizing I decide not to change with a Self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do not need to say aloud necessarily the Self-forgiveness words, it can also support if I focus directly to the realization and apply the decision to stop/change/re-align with - or I can whisper the words, the important is the actual application of changing within the realization.

I commit myself to explore/expose/understand/stop/change all reactions stopping me to apply Self-forgiveness and change in the moment and ensure that I become practical and effective dealing with not forgetting, giving the time and effort to walk through points later, making notes and also to stop any resistances walk through a point, regardless of reactions.

I will continue with further Self-forgiveness and Self-correction, Self-commitment in the next post.

In the meantime I suggest to listen these interviews about Sounding Self-forgiveness:

• https://eqafe.com/p/sounding-self-forgiveness-reptilians-part-364
• https://eqafe.com/p/the-living-of-self-forgiveness-atlanteans-support-part-68
• https://eqafe.com/p/procrastination-self-forgiveness-atlanteans-part-208

[JTL Day 216] 6. Realising that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well

Continuing with the Principles list

6. Realising that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take responsibility for myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every moment and live in such a way that is best for me and so others as well

The realization that I am responsible - opens up the direction of investigating how I affect with my thought, word and deed not only in my life but others as well.

The things I experience within with the process of self-realization start to make sense and realizing how exactly I am manifesting who I am today with my direct participation within the thoughts, words, deeds. By understanding why I react the way I do to certain situations, asking the question of what I fear to lose, writing down the mind-construct of a conversation assists and supports me to understand why I am who I am today.

With walking the process of Self-forgiveness I realize the patterns I constitute within my thoughts, feelings, emotions and when I see that I am not self-honest about something I commit myself to stop it - and within the decision to stop I apply the realizations of how and why I participate within the self-dishonesty, the fear, the spite, the deliberate ignorance, the actual acceptance of lack of self-direction, self-trust. By taking responsibility for my own mind, words, deeds I explore what is the best practical way to prevent any self-dishonesty, which means to find out what is the self-honest way to live.
This means to live without inner conflict, without avoiding responsibility, without accepting fear, without accepting ignorance - because with the investigation it is clear, I am becoming aware of the fact that I affect my reality - who I live with, the system I participate within.

In a way I am always representing an image and likeness of who I am - who I see, hear, experience me - they can have an impression of who I am and what I do, what I accept and what I do not accept. Imagine you are a parent and you are 'raising' a child - how you behave, what you speak and act, even how your beingness resonate within your presence is in fact making an impression to the child - I bring up the child, because when they born they have no particular personality, they are sponging in their surroundings, learn like little monkeys, every parent knows that but if someone doesn't believe, should read the studies, it is determining how the child will handle her/his reality - not totally and irreversibly, but it mostly quite determining the life path one will take.

I have grown up within a place wherein I've experienced troubled beings, who were uncertain, unstable and some even (self-)abusive - kind of victims of their own family, surroundings and the system already - the 'sins of the father' is the impression we baseline the children to, which they will rebel to first, because it's embedded into their mind but then mostly accepting it or making their life about playing out against - I am kind of generalizing, but all I wanted to make as a point here is that who we are every day, what we accept ourselves to be is influencing our surroundings, not only the children, but the adults as well. Yet we don't change - can we?

Everyone demands more privacy, 'receiving' human rights - fear of being visible to all, being exposed to the world's eyes - yet no one considers to live the way what can be really proud of, as an example to not needing to hide anything, without fear, shame, not worrying about 'receiving' the human right but also to give.

I used to do the wolf-eye game, when I was a kid - to stare into others eyes until they turned over their gaze - I was relentless, because I knew, when I used to turn away my gaze, it was because of some thoughts, a shame, a fear many times - thus I wanted to prove to others, but more importantly to myself the opposite, that by me being the more 'dead eye' - the other has the issues, not me, therefore I am the stronger. It was a really silly game but after all I realized I did it based on fear - if one constantly needs to reinforce one's strength by somehow trying to prove it - it's based on fear - so later on I realized - I'd rather change myself to live a life that I can look into anyone's eyes without any shame or regret, fear or dishonesty - because I am absolutely standing, wording and doing for what is best for all.

It is one point of why I should take responsibility of who I accept myself to be, what are my motives, words, deeds - because if I stand up to a principle of Self-honesty, Self-responsibility, for what is best for all - I am one already who represents ALL LIFE and by aligning that - I can exactly see what I must change within and as me.

And we never know who we can have impression to with our expression - it is not the motive of why to be Self-honest, because with this starting point it would not be direct, unconditional Self-honesty, but in a way it is always equal and one what is within and without and if it's aligned then it is natural and dignified.

For instance I've stopped drinking alcohol since a long-long time ago within self-commitment(it is really self-abusive in all ways and only justified within the mind and if people have reasons to continue drinking can certainly know that they have identified with the mind so 'deep' that they actually believe that these reasons and justifications they say are who they are, but it's not real, it's self-dishonesty) - or even drugs - people who still do it or wants to stop doing it often have a reflection on that fact to me, like "it's good for you", "I should do the same" - not everyone but there are many.
I've stopped alcohol with a single decision - that was not difficult at all, I had no struggle, no wavering or temptation ever since - because within practical Self-honesty it is obvious that it is not supporting Self-realization, it is boosting the mind, the personality, the ego, abusing the body - even in small dosages and the 'good for the health' is also crap - I am absolutely healthy with more than 7 years not drinking at all - it's just excuse - and brainwashing, business, media and propaganda. It's the greatest common slave drug ever - and let's not deny the accidents/abuse/criminal facts either about alcohol. So by me absolutely not drinking - I am obviously clear on what message I represent about it.

I stand similar with drugs - though I've did use psychedelics for a while and there were cool realizations - it's like seeing through some windows but the real deal is to actually find the door and walk through it without anything but self here - otherwise it's still a mind-experience - not direct realization - regardless of how intense, real, promising, convincing the stuff can make one to believe - it is not required and can easily become a distraction - because drugs only work in the mind - and even the slightest effect means one is still perceiving, grasping, acting by and as the mind so maximum it can be used for facing the fact that how much we are really fucked within and without - but once that is clear - the real, actual, diligent work is required with as much as clear head as possible.

Well - I do not say one should never ever do drugs for instance - it assisted me in a way but I've abused myself with it eventually and if I could have been Self-honest, I could use them more directly within my Process, but that's the point - if I am Self-honest, I can directly face and understand and change myself, I would not need substances for it. And even that can be self-deceptive, that "well, then I will use the drugs until I am not Self-honest enough", which is again: starting point of Self-dishonesty, thus until this cycle is not stopped, one is justifying to remain within the deliberate self-deception. Which is not only affects me - but others as well - who look at me and see what I do, what I accept within and without - and also considering the fact that I am still busy working with my own mind-demons so to speak to figure out what is really real, meanwhile the world is burning, the world system is more and more far from respecting all life and the economic, political forces are reflecting back the carelessness for the real values of life - that should be the focus, real education, real standing up, real responsibility, real accumulation for the children to come.

I've brought up these two simple yet common examples - but there are many more.

It's all about facts - and if I am troubled to see the facts in this world, what are obviously crying for help, understanding, solution, because I am still figuring out what is real in my mind - I should really consider to let go all what is not physically here.

But with asking the right questions, for instance what I feel gaining with any substance - what is the reason for I am unable to experience, express it directly myself here? What is the Self-limitation I accept by letting conditions and experiences to tell me, stimulate, direct me to be who I want to be?

It's different from when I jump out from a plane and not using parachute and saying 'I am dependent on parachute to land safely' - than going to a party and simply enjoy myself and others without becoming high and drunk. What experiences I suppress or melt down with the stuff? For me it was always about opening doors and never wanting to be dependent on the things with I supported myself to open such doors - because then I am not really expanding, only making me believe that I do.
Who I accept myself to be if I cannot let go inhibitions, frustrations, tension without substances? It might seem to be a free choice but within this - am I really free or am I convicting myself?
Some might even say I seem to be a fanatic about not drinking at all - I must be in order to really not to at crazy parties - but let us not mix up discipline, consistency and stability with emotional conviction in the protection and distraction of somebody's interest for covering up facing SELF.

Facing and experiencing, expressing me and others with sober head each time I go to a party - because sometimes I go, to just move around, enjoy music, see who I am among others, to express myself, to embrace others - and if there is friction, resistance, inhibition or worry - I forgive and stop myself for it and let it go.

Look, even within the smallest points one can stand as an example - not needed to be heroic or martyr, but always considering simple common sense.

So it's just an example - I am grateful I work at a place where there is no spite, but there are such places - within company of others if I gossip about someone not being present, sharing judgements, reactions, my personal additions, which are not facts - I am maybe influencing the other to do the same - or even if I accept the gossip I give my acceptance.
If I speak up that 'I do not accept this, so please stop it' - I am making it clear who I am not - but if I give consent to it, I am allowing my surrounding, my reality as it is and that acceptance becomes my responsibility too. We can't know certainly how gossip can escalate through whom to what degree actually.

To do nothing when someone is bullied, abused makes me face the fact that I am also responsible - and I can have justification, like fear, self-definition of powerlessness or carelessness - but the fact is that within my reality bully is being accepted, it's consequence is being manifested.

And if others will dislike or reject me because I stand up to bully - it's still clear - I do not accept it, if they don't stop - I do not accept them, it is my responsibility to prevent things to happen to others around me what I would not want to experience to myself.

And it can happen anywhere and anytime - within family, at work, on the bus, at the party - yes, I can manifest consequence, like people who want to express Self-dishonesty, like gossip, abuse, bully - would not like me and might want to react to me, but I'd rather cause conflict among them than within me, having friction of suppressed frustration of why I did not stand up to abuse.

There is obviously a point of common sense - it is not practical to approach shooters, mass-murderers if that would mean they would harm or murder me but I guess even that can be an option for instance if we imagine a child being abused and I would have to apply physical force to protect somebody - yet it is Self-honesty, principle and common sense which should be my expression, not judgement, fear, because then that is also what I would show as an example, which would manifest the opposite of what I stand for.

Within this world wherein there is so rare the Integrity, Principle for all Life, it is important to realize that each of us can accumulate into the global 'footprint' with practical Self-honesty.

The world system has a character, humanity has a personality which is manifested by the accumulation of all individuals, thus each and every single human being's standing up to all life has impact and thus consequence.
The most relevant power is the accumulation here, which is the simplest mathematical equation: 1+1=2. "Two or more in my name".

That's why we should never underestimate the opportunity we face in every moment to accumulate to what is really best for all by taking responsibility for becoming Self-aware and Self-honest within our thought, word and deed.

There are others, who also walk the same process of standing up to the realization of becoming responsible and walking the personal, interpersonal, universal change - and those who are walking the Process of Self-honesty will be visible and their consistent action will be undoubtedly revealing of what they are standing up for, thus it is imperative to always look one's actions, words, starting point in greater time frame - because by time, it will be obvious about everyone who they really are by what actions and consequences they accumulate to manifest within this physical existence.

In a way it is a trust to accumulate - I walk through the shadow valley of doubt, uncertainty, fear to face who I perceive myself to be with these writings within the Journey to Life and with Self-honesty applied, within each writing I can accumulate understanding, awareness, practical knowledge on how to change myself and who I am becoming as responsible for all what is here.

It is time to not give trust but to earn by walking the Process of Self-realization - to me, to others - it's the same.

Who I see writing and sharing consistently, who is changing and standing up to all life and there is consequence accumulated to what is best for all - within time it can become a trust to give to a new wave of leadership, who will not fall into the trap of the mind of fear, desire but proving to transcend self-interest and act according to what is best for all. And this 'leadership' does not mean to become an elite, but to initiate and give an example of a possible, practical, change from consciousness to awareness and to realize that any of us can stand up and start change.

We can easily judge corruption by a judge-mental state of mind, but as somebody who I know told me once "Corruption is that from which you are left out." If we see that within this world system there is power, energy, resource what we have not access to - is maybe because we accepted ourselves not to have.

"As above - so below" - meaning what I accept within my mind - I accept in the world to - and vice versa - what I accept to myself, being corrupted my my own limitations based on fear - I will not be able to stand up to it as equal as one in the world to have the power to stop and change it according to what is the best for all participants.
If I do not investigate, understand, stop and change myself first - my starting point on changing the world will not be equal and one because there is separation accepted, there is self-interest, judgement, fear - and based on that - there is no solution for seeing, realizing, understanding what is best for all, because within the self-accepted self-dishonesty I am not yet aware of what would be the best even for myself.

That's why the responsibility starts with SELF to sort out and re-align my thoughts, my words and deeds by walking the process of Self-Forgiveness, Self-honesty, Self-responsibility and this is I am committing myself to.

Beyond sorting out inner conflicts, fear - we already can work with the same principles in our external reality as well - within seeing the cannibalistic capitalism, the authoritarian control, the abuse of freedom of speech with hate can and should be recognized and changed to practical solutions, such as fair trade, guaranteed life support, holistic resource-management, individual responsibility within the community and the application of 'give as you would like to receive' principle within social interactions.

It is not a rocket-science to do and give what we would like to get, yet if we are unable to, then it is obvious that we are not yet aligned with what should be LIFE about, which is what is practically best for all within this human system.

[JTL Day 215] 5. Living the principle of Self Responsibility

Continuing with the Principles list.
 

5. Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realising only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others
I always wanted freedom and for that I was seeking knowledge, understanding, comprehension. There was never a point of tiredness which could stand in my way to investigate, learn and study what I wanted to be aware about and that is something, what was not given but it is always a decision to make about who I am.

The thing what has limited me within finding the power and ability I wanted to be able to change was denying and deliberately avoiding to take responsibility.

I had to find out the hard way that knowledge without practical application is literally useless, it's just dead data until I do not start to apply it.
I always wanted to be free first, then to be able to apply this freedom and THEN, when I would become free to take responsibility but it works the other way around.
First, I take responsibility for what I accept and allow and then I apply practical knowledge.

I have grown up in a little village wherein things were not always easy and simple, when I was a kid I had to take care many things what seemed to be overwhelming, like taking care animals, gardening, I had to wake up early, travel to school, often walk kilometers to be able to learn computer science and my days were so busy that all I ever wanted is to have my free time, when nothing to do, when I am my own and it seemed like it never gets enough. I've became an adult and in a way I was split within - one part of me wanted to learn, know, explore, expand, understand about what is this all about, what is life, creation, how we came around, where are we going, what is behind the scenes, what is power, why people suffer - and I had another aspect, who always wanted to just get a least responsibility and be able to just fly around so to speak, to have no impact to the world, yet to just be able to enjoy not being dragged, chained, bound to anything and anyone.

I've came to the conclusion that freedom is lack of responsibility and with freedom one can gain awareness. I was wrong! The less responsibility I perceived I had - the less I was free, because I was bound to my idea and definition of freedom and I always noticed the pattern, the time-looping within myself that in fact I was not expanding anymore - there is this term: my life became recreational.
It is a term what people use to a certain type of drug-usage: to re-create the same experience over and over and over again.

I have accepted and allowed to create cycles within and as my beingness, my life, my relationship, my reality what I've defined first as my freedom, and then it always became my prison which then I had to break through and this fueled me to gain power and discipline myself to have the ability to change.
I've became the pattern over the previously mentioned pattern to gain and lose everything within cycles.

What the problem was that I did not want to be responsible for the consequences of my living, actions - but it always became obvious and that blocked my feeling of freedom, because how I could be free if I deliberately, indirectly participate within neglect or abuse.

I had my first salary and my pocket was full with dope and I had the taste of freedom having enough money to eat anything - that made me more high - I had no idea what would be more free than being able to eat whenever, wherever and whatever I want.
Then walking down the street and looking the hungry homeless I had this guilt - which did not really solve anything, but I've felt uncomfortable, even when I gave them some money - I wanted to make everything right but at the same time I was unable to do anything because I have almost sworn to avoid responsibility.

Then I've realized something: that in fact I am always responsible, regardless of I take, accept, embrace it or not.

That made me really uncertain - regardless of any spiritual/psychedelic/shamanic experiences I've exposed myself to - it was just never satisfying because the freedom I wanted, always just tasted but never had.

When found the Desteni principles as I am always equal and one with all what I accept and allow and in that every single human being is equally responsible for the current state of this earth - I realized that I've all missed the real meaning of responsibility, which is in fact the freedom I never could find before.

The freedom is to choose who I am and to live that according to my actions and consequences for my and others within the principle of give as would like to receive is self-responsibility.

That is to stand within this oneness and equality and standing up to all as equal as one as myself is responsibility - and within that there is no separation on assisting and supporting myself and others - because there is no difference, there is no separation.

This is the starting point of taking responsibility for what I am and what I accept within myself and what I do not accept - in terms of thoughts, feelings, emotions - only me can know and ensure that these are aligned with what is best for all including myself. Only I can be aware of a spiteful thought and it's origin, the fear and only me can understand how and why I've ended up facing this and within that to dare to commit myself to stop it and what it takes in practical reality to be able to stop all aspects of self-limitation, self-delusion, spite, fear.

Because what I accept within is equal and one with what I accept and allow in reality - that is who I am and that is with I accumulate to have an impact to others as well.
Even when I do not act has consequence, if I stand still, sit down, turn my back to things, events in this world - what I take responsibility for is all who I can be.

The interest is an 'interesting' word - well - what is my interest, what it's limit - it's completely up to me - it is only myself, my surrounding, which is called as 'self-interest' or can I expand my interest - my responsibility - my awareness - to all what is here?

It's a decision, a realization, from which one has to find practical ways to become really aware and responsible.

If I have something within me which bothers me - occupies me, limits me - it is my responsibility to stop - and if I expand my awareness, if I let go the separation between me and the world around me, if extend my responsibility to what bothers me not only within, but also in the world.

What compromises to live our lives to reach our utmost potential also is my responsibility, all the limitations and atrocities, neglect, abuse, disregard is happening in this world is also my responsibility - not only mine, but my standing up to it is not being defined about how many of us stands up. I stand up because this is who I am and this is what compromises who I am as LIFE because any abuse I accept and allow - I can take responsibility for it or don't but it's still here, it's still happening until it's not stopped.

The justification and excuse in humans mind can be so extensive for the protection of their own self-defined 'freedom', just as I've defined previously my own freedom with the idea of 'having the ability not wanting therefore choosing not to be responsible'.
By that experience one can find an experience of freedom, choice, even self-defining this to be one's own responsibility but this is just a bubble.
And all bubble bursts.

Within principled living one can stand up to take responsibility step by step accumulating self-direction, self-trust and self-will to understand and change, to have a power to stop the compromises we accept to ourselves and each other in the name of avoiding Self-responsibility. This can give motivation, stability, consistency, direction and power to apply this responsibility to act in each moment according to what is best for all.

Self comes first within re-defining who I am and what I am responsible for. To be honest about who I am and what I am responsible for. Within investigating what I accept within me and why I allow it - I understand how it's created and becoming aware of it I can find the potential to stop, to change.

As I realize what I am able to change within me, such as self-dishonesty, doubt, distractions, fear - I am becoming effective to deal with facts, to be able to express this change into my reality as equal as one.

I find it unacceptable that there is no such thing as unconditional life support for each and every single human being on this earth. If I could choose as responsible for existence, I would not sit still and accept and allow it happening.
This then takes to the investigation, research, study, expansion of how it could be changed - how to ensure that everyone is being taken care of? It takes to the systems, manifestations of what are directing the forces what grants some living and prevents others from accessing it? It is the currently accepted money system, within which we all participate, it is part of the human experience - and to understand where it originates from, the education, the law, the accepted 'nature' of humanity, then it can be changed. It requires the same amount of accumulation what was required to manifest it's current state, just within the consideration of all.

To prove that I can change and express it into this world - I can share a living example of why and how to change myself and thus the world and that is why I am committing myself to walk the process of self-responsibility.

[JTL Day 209] Open Source Investigation part 2 - Is it really Free?

I continue with Open Source, starting with the phenomenon called Free Software and leaning to the idea of 'Free and Freedom'.

There is a movement initiated by Richard Stallman and the Free Software Foundation (http://fsf.org)

Reading through Stallman's explanation on how and why he advocates exclusively only to Free software in opposing Open Source - as I get his conclusion it is that 'free software is freedom' and Open source is still 'of interests'.

https://www.gnu.org/philosophy/open-source-misses-the-point.html

" Open source is a development methodology; free software is a social movement. For the free software movement, free software is an ethical imperative, essential respect for the users' freedom. By contrast, the philosophy of open source considers issues in terms of how to make software “better”—in a practical sense only. It says that non-free software is an inferior solution to the practical problem at hand. Most discussion of “open source” pays no attention to right and wrong, only to popularity and success.

For the free software movement, however, non-free software is a social problem, and the solution is to stop using it and move to free software."

Here comes Stallman's idea of real difference:

"A pure open source enthusiast, one that is not at all influenced by the ideals of free software, will say,

-“I am surprised you were able to make the program work so well without using our development model, but you did. How can I get a copy?” This attitude will reward schemes that take away our freedom, leading to its loss.

The free software activist will say,

-“Your program is very attractive, but I value my freedom more. So I reject your program. I will get my work done some other way, and support a project to develop a free replacement.” If we value our freedom, we can act to maintain and defend it.""

Open source means I can look into the source code - it's literally and absolutely transparent, I can fork(reuse) and modify it but after that, I can restrict the modified source's usage, I can make profit out of it to personal(corporate) interest as it does not enforce copyleft* and thus someone can develop closed-source software/product based on the code/knowledge.

* "What is Copyleft?

Copyleft is a general method for making a program (or other work) free, and requiring all modified and extended versions of the program to be free as well."

So, after this programmer introduction - I am asking what can be learned from this in terms of humanity/political/economic perspective?

The creations of "Open" can be monetized and it's further development can be "Closed/Non-free", while the "Free" means that in no way can be monetized, and it will always remain "Open and Free".

The idea is that with Open Source - the information can be shared and distributed transparently and effectively - which can be beneficial for catalyzing research and development and the reason is that corporations (even the big ones) do this, is that their 'interest' is maximizing their effectiveness, which is obviously: profit.

The point of profit is not 'evil' itself - if it's within a holistic principle of considering all participants equally, because our current human system is ingrained with monetary flow to such an extent that it is what keeps it alive - without this kind of 'interest' - there is not enough effective movement even for effective operation/surviving(infrastructure/electricity/food/transport/health care etc).

That is why the Free source is not yet that widely effective, because only few individuals do actually decide to create like that, who are able to have access to the basic requirements for living. If someone can't have food/shelter/healthy living perspective, it's obvious that the priority is to secure that - responsibility for family/surroundings is common sense, however it is crucial to invest into education of the individuals on what impact and consequence we are all accumulating with our decisions and actions.

Also it does not require to have a doctorate about quantum physics or rocket science to figure out that in a way we all are having impact on how the whole system operates, in fact mostly it is greater than we think - it is not difficult to be occupied and overwhelmed by our personal responsibilities that losing or never even had the bigger picture.

To develop skills to be able to investigate and understand effectively not only the personal, interpersonal but the universal levels of energy, resources, dynamics and interconnectedness of all participants within our human systems is also not just possible but very much needed to understand how much inequality and lack of real compassion is happening with actual people's conscience and very few are able to aim real support - and it is not charity I refer to, but to be able to find and access the core of the problems with our morality, the economic and monetary exploitation and deliberate abuse.

It is to understand that currently corporations are part of the already manifested inequality, separation but they are also keeping the system alive so to speak in terms of fueling infrastructure, common good and even the basics for living: electricity, food, basic services.

That is why doing riots, anarchist rage-protests, blame game cannot be a solution, because the participants of that do not even get that they would be the first line to suffering the consequence of the havoc they are willing to wreck, because emotions are in the way to see things through. But in fact we can only take responsibility for acceptances and allowances in terms of our real freedom we personally give away when not standing up to, not only for our own self-interest but for all others equally too.

The current schema for government/political/economic and corporate management is of 'Closed source' thus the details of the hidden agendas cannot be seen thus it is not obvious where the effectiveness, the common welfare of the population is being blocked and also being not obvious why and these questions has to be answered in order to be able to understand what are the facts in order to be able to change the systems what are determining our lives.

Free source and free software is really a great idea and in fact the people are creating those values also has to eat, have shelter, life support, which are not free within this current economic, political, law system. Even if the individuals/groups, who are researching, developing these intellectual values have access to those requirements for a healthy living, there is monetary flow within that support, which is undoubtedly interconnected with the money system as a whole.

Therefore it is also to recognize that the idea of 'Free' can be understood as really just being an 'idea', but interesting to realize also that the starting point of the whole money system as 'need to compete to survive' is also an idea, just it's within everybody's head and thus being played out becoming physical reality with real consequences, which of many are irreversible.

However to recognize the starting point of the strive towards freedom, Free Source, the General Public License - to create something what is for everybody equally: it is something what can be investigated and used as a model for the future within the interest of what is best for all.

Freedom is also an interesting concept - let not go into that - yet -, rather explore some Open Source initiatives:

Open Source Government: http://www.opengovguide.com/

Open Government Plan: https://osc.gov/Resources/OSC_Open-Govt-Plan_Nov2014.pdf

Open Source Ecology: http://opensourceecology.org/ 

http://vimeo.com/58165438

to be continued...

[JTL Day 196] 10. Making Love Visible part 4

Continuing with 10. Making Love Visible part 1 and part 2 and part 3 as a point within my Declaration of Living Principles.

I establish some self-integrity within equalizing will, vision and action with words in regards to the re-definition of LOVE to assist and support me and others in my reality.

Realizing that Love is to give what I would like to receive I commit myself to ensure that I do not hold onto energetic charges, moods, emotions within my expression of love which I realize that it is only real when it is of and as the physical here, visible, touchable, measurable and manifesting consequences what must be what is best for all participants.

Recognizing the ability to talk with kindness, openness I commit myself to not allow any fear to influence me within my interaction with others and if I recognize any fear within my mind, thoughts, body, energies, I stop, I literally stop and I act immediately as any waiting, spending time within the mind-state of hope gives false light as undermining my self-trust, self-direction, self-honesty because I allow forces outside of me to influence, direct me instead of I directly see, decide, act and move breath by breath within responsibility.

I had a moment of reaction about walking this point which was exactly this:

"I'd like to finish this point to walk through and write about other points already, because many things are coming up, should be also expressed, realized, directed, forgiven, changed."

Specificity and sticking to the exact point what I've started is required and recognizing the tendency to not walk through a point until it is clear, not moving, not influencing, not being accepted in any way whatsoever which then manifests time loop, as allowing aspects, dimensions, relationships still existing what has not yet been re-aligned within and as me and then participating within it re-creating the same dishonesties within action which then when recognized would create unnecessary reaction.

Thus I specify further here:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that if I do not walk a point with writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitment until it is entirely here as myself without any thought it is not stopped entirely within me as mind-relationship-behavior-pattern, then I will not be aware fully what I literally participate within which is required to recognize the trigger points, the set and setting to see the pattern before doing it to remember my decision to stop and be able to stop.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that self-forgiveness should and must be absolute specific, practical, real which can be applied in and as the physical in one breath at a time within consistency.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've allowed myself to not walk through points fully until it is stopped within the energetic stimulation, personality influences which then revealing that I do not do it within self-direction but of circumstances which if not existing, I stop applying, I stop stopping, thus not really changing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to write through the patterns of false love within self-forgiveness and self-commitment only and not realizing that writing is the preparation for real living - for be able to learn how to really love and literally make love visible in and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that breathing, forgiving and wording is not enough but I have to move, act and do within stable, consistent expression in order to become one and equal with the words I write, I speak thus becoming the Living Words of Love of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have never loved myself within the fact that I allowed myself to fall into the dishonesty of self-separation from my beingness, my life source substance and within separation creating relationships externally and using those to define, determine, manifest and form and shape me and not realizing that all negative, all hate, all anger I've ever expressed is of because of lack of self-love which can be and should be and will be stopped by stopping existing being defined with relationships separated from me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that self-love starts with quieting myself within, standing up for all life equally and not allowing myself to be possessed with thoughts, feelings, emotions, letting go each and every single inner energetic reactions to not participate anymore yet expressing myself here, visibly, physically directly, breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that making love visible is when I become consistent within self-reliance, self-direction and self-commitment to stop confusion, depression, suppression and projection and taking everything back to self and be responsible for all I can do which starting with living self-forgiveness here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have idea of love which is not related to physical and react to others as 'bullshit' when they I see/define/react with the impression of 'their love is not visible, they do not really love but they are in consciousness mind systems and feeling love, feeling this energy which is not real, not visible, not love' and instead of judging and blaming, I become the living example of visible love which is changing myself from reaction/judgement/blame to direction/expression/movement.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I really want to walk through all past-related delusions what I've referred as love and then realized it is self-dishonesty yet not specifying, not facing directly, not walking into practical change within the fear of change, fear of loss, fear of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not written practical self-forgiveness in relation to my current living, current relationship, current agreement, current opportunity to explore what would really mean visible, physical, real love.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the tendency within my mind to beat around the bush yet accumulating determination to be able to really commit myself to change instead of directly commit and directly change in one moment, one point at a time.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the fact that I've pre-defined love, pre-programmed what would mean love to be and not allowing to walk through these points because still holding onto these ideas of 'love' instead of applying common sense, practical mannerism unconditionally, trusting myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have given permission my memories, my relationships, my definitions, judgements to tell me how to live, how to love, what to live, what to love unconditionally without awareness, without taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to manifest love with my partner to be a fight, a warfare, an energetic polarity manifestation wherein I have to be right, I have to feel good, I have to feel free and I have to be able to do whatever I want in the moment in the name of expectation of acceptance even when it is self-dishonesty with the un-worded contract of the minds of "I accept your dishonesty, you accept mine, this is our love".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from the word of 'compromise' because already believing it means I am falling, I am fallen, I am lost within the accumulation of manifestation of consequence of self-acceptance and allowance of self-dishonesty instead of stopping one breath at a time, one point at a time within self-will, self-trust, self-direction without judging this process, judging how much time points require to realize/stop/change.

I will continue with actual, practical points in my current life.