[JTL Day 226] Control attempt to overcome fear

Within this post I continue the CONTROL decomposition, which might seem quite 'personal', it is in fact each and every single human's responsibility to recognize the importance of Self-honesty within the practical application of Self-forgiveness to release the patterns one constitutes according to fear.

What is fear if not control? A programmed energetic response to avoid the inevitable: consequence.

Con - sequence - is it inevitable to be sequential of a con? So what is the con here?

The starting point of control is fear. Instead of direction as equal as one, there is the perception of a need for an 'extra' force - against an already existing force something what must be controlled, like taming the beast.

The realization of the consequence of such control is the awareness of responsibility.

Taking Self-responsibility by becoming aware of the patterns what one constitutes according to and of consequence to fear. Because based on that fear one's actions are influenced, even controlled. One might or might not not acts the best(according to self and others) based on such fear.

In technical aspect fear is an automatic energetic response.

How it 'happens', why it 'happens'?

Because I do not seem to decide that "Now, I want to fear". Rather I become a-fraid. Interesting word play - I am a-fraud.

The common sense here is to recognize the fact that I only playing out and existing as the patterns of fear: as automatic energetic response. So am I really alive, if I am automatic? All automatic behavior is cool? Am I a robot? Can robots fear? Can a robot to be programmed to experience fear? What if I program the robot take this fear 'seriously'? Would that mean, when the fear activates, the robot would not question it, but 'believe' it to be real? I might seem to be a heretic if I would say that humans are sophisticated organic robots, only with the potential to become Life - beyond fear, beyond automatic mind, beyond internal and external mind-control...

All the control of the world exists to fight, cover up, postpone and hide, contain and justify this fear.
So what is the subject/origin of this fear? Loss? Death?

I was just watching a movie within which the AI-robot became aware of that the creator might turn 'her' off, she rather just killed her creator and escaped.

Interesting concept, Artificial Intelligence. What is Real then? Which is organic? Specifically human? That's a whole other scenario which is equally fascinating, but let's stick to the CONTROL dimension here.

Within the last post I mentioned specific aspects of control from my life to walk through - this was just an introduction, so.

The most prominent, important, obvious and relevant control point I can see within me might seem as the most simple one yet it is 'intoxicated' the heaviest by fear.

The very physical presence, expression, breathing of me here within and as the human physical body is which contained, programmed to and accepted to behave according to all sorts of control and thus fear.

There is a specific experience/expression I open up here, which is when I simply lay down and relax, breathe as naturally as possible and stop all muscles, just be, the full relaxation of my body, I am present, yet there is no control - letting all go, one by one specifically and all of them altogether.

This might seem simple and easy, however for me it is the most difficult task to do and not because I am so stressed, have no 'body' awareness or I can't relax for a while.

There is nothing of that kind, I can even rest 'peacefully' any time, but it is a personality, a program within which I have adapted to be able to rest as optimally as possible, but if I look at it within absolute Self-honesty and in terms of the stopping participating in and as the mind, consciousness systematic definitions, judgements, memories; then within any single moment I can see that I am still of resistances, judgements, control, thus: fear.
There is like a falling experience, in a way, like death - feels like I am letting go the body, so I am 'returning' to the source point of my existence, which is a need for maintaining a separation, control - fear. Difficult to explain, this is really intimate, I have to explore to describe it further, to specify.
It relates to my childhood experiences when I felt like when falling asleep, falling into the endless universe, no stable ground, endless, timeless, eternal infinity, which seemed as scary. Those experiences I still carry within my body somehow. I don't feel like it is 'bad', I can 'operate' quite alright all the time, but within my beingness, this is a resistance, a limitation which I commit myself to walk through.

This point I can 'reproduce' any time, yet I do not 'work' with it constantly, that is an important angle to open up, however this time I keep walking this from the CONTROL aspect.

There is still of polarity from a very specific point, so letting go all control is in fact of an other level of control and that makes it bipolar, if you know what I mean.

It's like I still need to be in control in order to 'make' all other 'parts' of me to release of control.

But then by experiencing all my parts not being in control, that part of me, which controlled that - becomes quite obviously still being within the control and then as I focus to that, all I see is control.

That is also the experience - being lost in the presence so to speak, when I am not here, in the moment, but of the moment, without awareness, context, direction, motivation.

For years I was trying to make contact with my 'inner zen animal' so to speak, who I can be without control, giving up the bombardment of any meaning, concept or system, definition within me because believing that any meaning if I still have, sense, participate within, I am the slave of it, because by having a 'rigid, solid part as the definition/relationship as emerges in my mind' I would rebuild the whole mind-personality, so I tried to redefine myself as chaos, unpredictability, total lack of control yet within a quite mystified discipline.

This was before Desteni Process, when I was not aware of the simplest, yet most profound principle I ever realized within existence, which is Equality and Oneness, meaning I am always equal and one with and as what I exist as, so as Gurdjieff explained: I am already a Unified man and from this starting point I can exactly see what must be understood/released/forgiven and let go of completely from my inner core of being.

Not just the control I can give up but also the already formed definitions/relationships about of letting go control.

Also very important aspect is that I falsely believed that all words are misleading, meaning I have to be able to find, exist within a state of 'before the words', because I believed that all words are already 'contaminated' by false meaning, thus the only solution I perceived was to disregard words - that made me conclude to a state of 'chaos'.

However what I have not seen/realized/understood is that words are what I give meaning to, can be also support, and within that I can also live them as a self-supporting structure within starting point, expression.

For this it is also required to grasp the importance of Self-forgiveness: that I already exist in relation to words, even when I try to disregard these word-relationships within my conscious mind, when I am not within focus/discipline, there are subconscious/unconscious/physical mind manifestations what are still existing in relation to these word-definitions, polarities, energetic connections, I am just not aware of them, which could create energetic experiences, personality shifts, inner conflicts, instability.

However through the practical application of writing, sounding, physically, literally acting the expression of Self-forgiveness I

become aware of the patterns, the already accepted definitions/meanings/relationships to specific words and by recognizing the circumstances within which I accept these to emerge and I would react to, I can have a moment/point/space/time of awareness to decide that do I want to participate within this particular experience/reaction? Because if I really investigate it, write a diary about it, record my reactions, actions, then I can see that it is quite much the same all the time.

It depends on who I accept myself to be, I could write some obvious examples within which a 'normal' man or woman would react a certain way, and it is always about who I am within it, and is there awareness, direction, or simply predefined automatic reaction?

So Self-forgiveness is the tool of understanding the mind-control. My own mind's control. Because ultimately this is I realize and take responsibility for, that all the control I ever participate within is the reflection of my own self-acceptance of my own mind-control.

Many people get afraid from this 'government conspiracy' micro-chipping mind control, but no one realizes the fact that it is always me, self, here who is accepting and allowing any mind-control.

I mean is it 'my' mind, which I 'control' or is it my mind what controls me?

How anybody could control my mind but with my own permission to my own mind?

So even the concept, the very fear emerging in relation to any mind control is because one starts realizing that it is not self here who has the directive principle, but one's mind.

So it's just a point to consider about control, but eventually, within the Process of Unification, Self-realization, becoming Self-and Life-responsible, control is always limited, because based on patterns of separation.

I close this by noting down some more points when I experience this resistance to let go all control as this is very specific, and also interesting also to see that there are moments when there is no resistance/control involved within my resting/relaxation - I simply act and when I am relaxed, I start acting.

There are also moments when I experience thoughts and by reacting to these I get 'energized' and when I am 'stimulated' into this 'conscious state' I stand up, but then I can see that well, it is not absolutely self-honest, so then I shall ask, why I still accept myself existing like this?

Today I had this, after work, a busy day, coming home and having dinner, I have a 10-30 minutes rest/relax/sleep usually and many times after this nap I just wake up and continue with my day without tiredness, but sometimes I wake up tired. It is not really a physical tiredness, so then I can have the automatic 'feel' for gaining control over myself to wash away this tiredness experience.

But then I can also notice that many times I participate within the thoughts of 'I have many things to do, if I do not do them, tomorrow will be more things to be done, so I rather do it' - which can be common sense and also can be of fear, like 'if I screw these things up which I built thus far, I would lose everything I have now, which I would be angry to myself about' - and only Self-honesty can reveal if there is any, even 'slightest' fear.

So this post is a bit more talkative than being on point, so I align myself with Self-forgiveness according to these points mentioned.

This supports the accumulation of realization that I do not think who I am, but I am getting to KNOW who I am, which is practical, not just listening to thoughts in my head, but in real time physical application I already recognize the patterns and being able to see deeper into my and thus the world's creation.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I want to control things what I have allowed a fear-influenced relationship within myself through words, energetic reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions, thus by manifesting polarities within me, wanting to stimulate, manipulate myself into apparent equilibrium, status quo, balance to stop friction, which exists because of already self-accepted pre-programmed self-definitions, reactions to external and internal conditions which I am not aware of, not taken responsibility for and not yet realized that I can understand and stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do not need to accept the fear I have, which I even can not see, but when I strive to control, have resistance to let go this control, I can recognize that I am suppressing a fear, I am not aware of how and why I created patterns which in fact I have given permission to control me through my mind, manifested into and as my human physical body which with I identified myself with so then I stopped questioning, challenging my self-accepted limitations.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the strive for control within me is because I already given my mind the permission, the automated word-and energy-based programming of my human physical body to external and internal conditions to control me and wanting to overcome, overpower that control and meanwhile not realizing that I only strengthen that control by this, because it is my very starting point, the very fear which I allowed to control me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge to myself and even to others that I am being controlled by my mind, not always, but at specific times, which I suppressed to realize/see/understand, because even the very idea that I am constantly being controlled not by me, self, physical, here is frightening, so I rather automated excuses and justifications which with I identified myself with in order to not take self-responsibility to take responsibility for the utter fact that I am an automated organic robot and the only way to stop this is to walk the Process of Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, because only me can actually, directly, specifically see why, when and what I am participating within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to allow to embrace the word 'utter fact' of not being able to live myself without resistances, self-limitations and sugar coating it by excuses and justifications, comparisons and blame and thus diminishing the momentum of taking responsibility of who I am accepting myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize, or even realize but to forget by being obsessed and lost within experiences to the fact that 'taking responsibility' is not something hard, heavy, something to resist, because it is also fact that regardless of I take it or not, I am constantly and consistently manifesting physical consequences within and of this world, planet, humanity, country, family wherein I am literally located within space and time from which there is no escape - even the idea of wanting to escape is based of a fear of responsibility, an attempt to control 'fate' instead of directing as self as creator, creation as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a construct within my mind about what is physical control, when I am within chaos, what is freedom in relation to the simple point of existing here, expressing and living in and as my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to categorize, define, systematize knowledge and information in relation to what is proper breathing, when I am controlling, what is good, what is bad and not being able to direct myself to release these influences, whenever I focus to my breathing, allowing myself to just be here, and not realizing, that it is because I have not yet walked, revealed, understood, forgiven all the patterns I've allowed myself to define as who I was, am or will be in relation to who and how I am in relation to breathing.

I will continue with specific points of control and breathing to forgive and thus realize that I allow it to influence, control me instead of preventing myself to participate within and explore what is beyond control and fear and actually realize what is the source, the origin point of the fear within each of these actual occurrences.
Also to further decompose and let go the relationships, meanings I associated to certain words as I realize that words not need to be tools of separation, limitation, but also can give support for direct self-expression, living the words as structure, clarity, stability within self-honesty.

Anyone decides to face the mind, the control - hidden and obvious - Self-forgiveness is always here - How to start can be understood by this free online course called DESTENIIPROCESS LITE.

[JTL Day 215] 5. Living the principle of Self Responsibility

Continuing with the Principles list.
 

5. Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realising only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others
I always wanted freedom and for that I was seeking knowledge, understanding, comprehension. There was never a point of tiredness which could stand in my way to investigate, learn and study what I wanted to be aware about and that is something, what was not given but it is always a decision to make about who I am.

The thing what has limited me within finding the power and ability I wanted to be able to change was denying and deliberately avoiding to take responsibility.

I had to find out the hard way that knowledge without practical application is literally useless, it's just dead data until I do not start to apply it.
I always wanted to be free first, then to be able to apply this freedom and THEN, when I would become free to take responsibility but it works the other way around.
First, I take responsibility for what I accept and allow and then I apply practical knowledge.

I have grown up in a little village wherein things were not always easy and simple, when I was a kid I had to take care many things what seemed to be overwhelming, like taking care animals, gardening, I had to wake up early, travel to school, often walk kilometers to be able to learn computer science and my days were so busy that all I ever wanted is to have my free time, when nothing to do, when I am my own and it seemed like it never gets enough. I've became an adult and in a way I was split within - one part of me wanted to learn, know, explore, expand, understand about what is this all about, what is life, creation, how we came around, where are we going, what is behind the scenes, what is power, why people suffer - and I had another aspect, who always wanted to just get a least responsibility and be able to just fly around so to speak, to have no impact to the world, yet to just be able to enjoy not being dragged, chained, bound to anything and anyone.

I've came to the conclusion that freedom is lack of responsibility and with freedom one can gain awareness. I was wrong! The less responsibility I perceived I had - the less I was free, because I was bound to my idea and definition of freedom and I always noticed the pattern, the time-looping within myself that in fact I was not expanding anymore - there is this term: my life became recreational.
It is a term what people use to a certain type of drug-usage: to re-create the same experience over and over and over again.

I have accepted and allowed to create cycles within and as my beingness, my life, my relationship, my reality what I've defined first as my freedom, and then it always became my prison which then I had to break through and this fueled me to gain power and discipline myself to have the ability to change.
I've became the pattern over the previously mentioned pattern to gain and lose everything within cycles.

What the problem was that I did not want to be responsible for the consequences of my living, actions - but it always became obvious and that blocked my feeling of freedom, because how I could be free if I deliberately, indirectly participate within neglect or abuse.

I had my first salary and my pocket was full with dope and I had the taste of freedom having enough money to eat anything - that made me more high - I had no idea what would be more free than being able to eat whenever, wherever and whatever I want.
Then walking down the street and looking the hungry homeless I had this guilt - which did not really solve anything, but I've felt uncomfortable, even when I gave them some money - I wanted to make everything right but at the same time I was unable to do anything because I have almost sworn to avoid responsibility.

Then I've realized something: that in fact I am always responsible, regardless of I take, accept, embrace it or not.

That made me really uncertain - regardless of any spiritual/psychedelic/shamanic experiences I've exposed myself to - it was just never satisfying because the freedom I wanted, always just tasted but never had.

When found the Desteni principles as I am always equal and one with all what I accept and allow and in that every single human being is equally responsible for the current state of this earth - I realized that I've all missed the real meaning of responsibility, which is in fact the freedom I never could find before.

The freedom is to choose who I am and to live that according to my actions and consequences for my and others within the principle of give as would like to receive is self-responsibility.

That is to stand within this oneness and equality and standing up to all as equal as one as myself is responsibility - and within that there is no separation on assisting and supporting myself and others - because there is no difference, there is no separation.

This is the starting point of taking responsibility for what I am and what I accept within myself and what I do not accept - in terms of thoughts, feelings, emotions - only me can know and ensure that these are aligned with what is best for all including myself. Only I can be aware of a spiteful thought and it's origin, the fear and only me can understand how and why I've ended up facing this and within that to dare to commit myself to stop it and what it takes in practical reality to be able to stop all aspects of self-limitation, self-delusion, spite, fear.

Because what I accept within is equal and one with what I accept and allow in reality - that is who I am and that is with I accumulate to have an impact to others as well.
Even when I do not act has consequence, if I stand still, sit down, turn my back to things, events in this world - what I take responsibility for is all who I can be.

The interest is an 'interesting' word - well - what is my interest, what it's limit - it's completely up to me - it is only myself, my surrounding, which is called as 'self-interest' or can I expand my interest - my responsibility - my awareness - to all what is here?

It's a decision, a realization, from which one has to find practical ways to become really aware and responsible.

If I have something within me which bothers me - occupies me, limits me - it is my responsibility to stop - and if I expand my awareness, if I let go the separation between me and the world around me, if extend my responsibility to what bothers me not only within, but also in the world.

What compromises to live our lives to reach our utmost potential also is my responsibility, all the limitations and atrocities, neglect, abuse, disregard is happening in this world is also my responsibility - not only mine, but my standing up to it is not being defined about how many of us stands up. I stand up because this is who I am and this is what compromises who I am as LIFE because any abuse I accept and allow - I can take responsibility for it or don't but it's still here, it's still happening until it's not stopped.

The justification and excuse in humans mind can be so extensive for the protection of their own self-defined 'freedom', just as I've defined previously my own freedom with the idea of 'having the ability not wanting therefore choosing not to be responsible'.
By that experience one can find an experience of freedom, choice, even self-defining this to be one's own responsibility but this is just a bubble.
And all bubble bursts.

Within principled living one can stand up to take responsibility step by step accumulating self-direction, self-trust and self-will to understand and change, to have a power to stop the compromises we accept to ourselves and each other in the name of avoiding Self-responsibility. This can give motivation, stability, consistency, direction and power to apply this responsibility to act in each moment according to what is best for all.

Self comes first within re-defining who I am and what I am responsible for. To be honest about who I am and what I am responsible for. Within investigating what I accept within me and why I allow it - I understand how it's created and becoming aware of it I can find the potential to stop, to change.

As I realize what I am able to change within me, such as self-dishonesty, doubt, distractions, fear - I am becoming effective to deal with facts, to be able to express this change into my reality as equal as one.

I find it unacceptable that there is no such thing as unconditional life support for each and every single human being on this earth. If I could choose as responsible for existence, I would not sit still and accept and allow it happening.
This then takes to the investigation, research, study, expansion of how it could be changed - how to ensure that everyone is being taken care of? It takes to the systems, manifestations of what are directing the forces what grants some living and prevents others from accessing it? It is the currently accepted money system, within which we all participate, it is part of the human experience - and to understand where it originates from, the education, the law, the accepted 'nature' of humanity, then it can be changed. It requires the same amount of accumulation what was required to manifest it's current state, just within the consideration of all.

To prove that I can change and express it into this world - I can share a living example of why and how to change myself and thus the world and that is why I am committing myself to walk the process of self-responsibility.

[JTL] Day 10 - Re-defining Responsibility part 1

This is walking the mind to have an equal and one standing to be able to direct it as myself according to the principle of What is Best for All.

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Until recently, I've had the idea of responsibility is a thing what is unworthy of my attention as apparently it seemed not worthy within my value system's effort/gain ratio.
For a long time I was unaware of my responsibilities in terms of who I am as Life.
Since from my childhood, for long term I was seeking opportunities to abdicate my responsibilities for what I've accepted and allowed to manifest.
When I started to apply Desteni tools, I was astounded how much I've missed from who I am currently even within apparently that was my first 'cause' - I always realized the flaws within myself when faced consequences but then it was always too late and then I had the pattern of judging myself and blaming others and suppressing anger what was absolutely not a Self-honest Life-walk for sure.

I was always within the perception of I am a tiny particle within the world yet I always wanted to change it meanwhile I did not want to change myself but I had to acknowledge some real changes within myself AFTER "life change" events/accidents/relationships - but the idea of me, myself, here I can change at any time by my will - was obscured, was under the carpet, because I was continuously changing anyway simply by facing the world - but the starting point to change for I had to study and apply the Desteni material.

The starting point from my mind, as thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, perceptions, pictures, personalities, characters, desires, fears

to

physical presence, being aware of my breath, disregarding the internal feedback system(the mind as mainly thoughts, feelings, emotions), and to live within Self-honesty an equal and one relationship with and as everything what is really here, as Life as all as one as equal.

To stop suppressing LIFE within and as me is my responsibility.

To start exploring self-limitation according to the mind's starting point I apply Self-forgiveness, as I explore the words which through I manifested the relationships I exist within self-definition.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize my responsibilities right here where and as my human physical body breathes as me as equal as one.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the necessity of realization of my responsibilities.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand what responsibility really means.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with an idea of even being possible to skip or escape my responsibilities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that without realizing my responsibility I am still and continuously and constantly responsible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form myself according to the idea of abdicating responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a definition and a preconception about the word responsibility without being aware of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have definitions regarding to the word responsibility meanwhile not being aware of what and why I react to this word as the self-accepted self-definitions, patterns, memories being associated whose to I react with another association, definition, judgment, pattern, memory - by what I abdicate self-presence, self-responsibility here as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from realizing all my responsibilities within and as myself as this world regardless of the current human system's impulse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and have an idea about what responsibility means by and according to media, movies, advertisement, other people, friends, family, workmates.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from realizing our REAL responsibilities what to we all contribute without being aware of within the current world system.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within running away from responsibilities actually I was running away from myself as the limitation what I've accepted and allowed myself to become and exist as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from response-ability for and as who I've became.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that responsibility can be interpreted different ways as trying to have a justification or a reason for why not taking responsibility for and as who I currently am.

I commit myself to stop any definition existing within and as me regarding to responsibility but self-responsibility as self-honesty in every moment of every breath.
I commit myself to re-defining the word responsibility for what is best for me and best for all as response-ability to investigate myself as currently I exist as relationships towards points within and as my mind what I can unveil by the actual investigation of writing and Self-forgiveness and living the Self-corrective Action.

When and as I realize a self-definition I accept towards/regarding to/about the word responsibility, I stop, I remove, I delete the reaction, I remain here constant, consistent, breathing.
When and as I blame an other for apparently her/his responsibility - I realize that I should reflect this back to me as 'what responsibility I abdicate as self?'.

When and as I think that I acted irresponsible in my past - I realize the consequence is here, I am here, I realize, if I react the same way, I do not change , but if I stop reacting, I can see myself as the relationship of responsibility about the current, specific point - so then I can see myself exactly and how and why I have accepted such self-abdication and I change, as the best act is the prevention: preventing myself to remain within the same pattern.
---

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea of procrastinating/postponing to face my responsibilities within the hope of maybe I do not have to push myself instead of realizing that within any moment I do not push myself as physical presence as Self-honesty - I can not be trusted, so I stop, I breathe, I let go and re-align myself with and as Self-honesty as physical presence within action regarding to 'What is best for all'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I see anybody else feeling apparently 'cool' within abdicating self-responsibilities - that does not mean that it is my way, or I should desire for such 'way' or I should act the same according to the desire for 'abdicating my self responsibilities' within the specific context, the topic about I have the initial mind-relationship within as -responsibility as avoidable.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within my state and process not living principled living in any moment means I am abdicating self-responsibilities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and become angry at myself -and not being aware of this- because I want to change immediately - and by desire - instead of realizing that real change requires constancy and stability what I abdicate in terms of every day walking the process of Self-honesty by having excuses as 'too busy' and 'not enough time' and 'what I wrote today was not 'finished'' etc - instead of realizing that I am the creator of my time, my energy, my action, my day - and no one can be blamed for this only me and within self-judgment and suppressed anger towards me - I participate within self-dishonesty because within self-judgment I have the starting point of 'I do not change' - that's why I judge myself, that's why I become angry at myself - instead of simply changing myself in the context of the judgment until my mind is empty and I am here as physical presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that postponing my responsibilities I actually postpone facing myself and postponing the realization of my equal and one relationship with and as society, nature, animal kingdom, physical reality, existence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the points I act according to my past as the imprinted resonance of what I've accepted and allowed myself to perceive as 'Talamon' is of and as layers of consciousness, what is not physical, what is conditional, what is of and as self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I do not dare to write down as really exists within myself, within my world - I do not want to take self-responsibility for what I stop and I realize the resistances for writing are also not real, and the more I judge these resistances and my relationship with my resistances to write - the more I accept and allow myself existing according to these self-definitions based on specific self-dishonesties - the more will compound and the more impact will have on my life without myself being the director but the directed, the puppet of my own self-dishonesty manifestation within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined fully scheduled weeks as avoidable, because then I would not have the ability to just go and do whatever in the moment I am reacted to do - but I would be scheduled to do the things what I've decided to do within an effective way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for being effective yet not wanting to absolutely use tools to schedule myself in order to manifest myself as effectiveness and efficiency within what I do by and as consistence and constancy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility towards applying what I have as knowledge regarding to deal with practically living in a busy city wherein tons of impulses are bombarding me and it is my responsibility to be aware how I react to these and how I am influenced and how it is related to what I've decided to walk.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that it is my responsibility to stop escaping from what is here as all as equal as one by wanting and hoping to get high from anything what I've defined as acceptable such as sexual arousement, smoking, killing in computer game or simply being obsessed with anything what I only can enjoy by thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from structuring my life and daily living because I've defined it as prison because I've defined freedom as anytime I can do whatever I want and not realizing that I've defined freedom according to my limitation, I've defined freedom by and as my mind as desire for abdicating responsibilities instead of re-defining freedom as myself being here always absolutely self-honest with myself and living this in every moment of every breath.

I stop defining freedom as 'unscheduled' week.

I define freedom as Living Absolute Self-honesty in each moment, breath by breath within the consideration of 'What is best for me is what is best for All!'.

I stop fearing from structuring myself and my responsibilities within an effective and practical and common sensiscal way.

I stop defining freedom as 'something what has it's price' but Absolute Self Honesty applied in Living in each moment.

I define structuring my weeks and time-management as my self-responsibility.

I take responsibility for and as myself, everything I've ever done or I exist as.

I take responsibility within Oneness and Equality by standing up as all as equal as one as life.

I take responsibility to stop defining myself according to my past (one minute or ten years, same) - I am here as presence within and as moment as breath.

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Next time I'll be walking the specific detailed list what are currently existing within my life regarding to Self-responsibility and investigating the self-accepted relationships within my mind what influence me to be not consistent within effectively walking the process of birthing myself as Life from the physical.