[JTL Day 226] Control attempt to overcome fear

Within this post I continue the CONTROL decomposition, which might seem quite 'personal', it is in fact each and every single human's responsibility to recognize the importance of Self-honesty within the practical application of Self-forgiveness to release the patterns one constitutes according to fear.

What is fear if not control? A programmed energetic response to avoid the inevitable: consequence.

Con - sequence - is it inevitable to be sequential of a con? So what is the con here?

The starting point of control is fear. Instead of direction as equal as one, there is the perception of a need for an 'extra' force - against an already existing force something what must be controlled, like taming the beast.

The realization of the consequence of such control is the awareness of responsibility.

Taking Self-responsibility by becoming aware of the patterns what one constitutes according to and of consequence to fear. Because based on that fear one's actions are influenced, even controlled. One might or might not not acts the best(according to self and others) based on such fear.

In technical aspect fear is an automatic energetic response.

How it 'happens', why it 'happens'?

Because I do not seem to decide that "Now, I want to fear". Rather I become a-fraid. Interesting word play - I am a-fraud.

The common sense here is to recognize the fact that I only playing out and existing as the patterns of fear: as automatic energetic response. So am I really alive, if I am automatic? All automatic behavior is cool? Am I a robot? Can robots fear? Can a robot to be programmed to experience fear? What if I program the robot take this fear 'seriously'? Would that mean, when the fear activates, the robot would not question it, but 'believe' it to be real? I might seem to be a heretic if I would say that humans are sophisticated organic robots, only with the potential to become Life - beyond fear, beyond automatic mind, beyond internal and external mind-control...

All the control of the world exists to fight, cover up, postpone and hide, contain and justify this fear.
So what is the subject/origin of this fear? Loss? Death?

I was just watching a movie within which the AI-robot became aware of that the creator might turn 'her' off, she rather just killed her creator and escaped.

Interesting concept, Artificial Intelligence. What is Real then? Which is organic? Specifically human? That's a whole other scenario which is equally fascinating, but let's stick to the CONTROL dimension here.

Within the last post I mentioned specific aspects of control from my life to walk through - this was just an introduction, so.

The most prominent, important, obvious and relevant control point I can see within me might seem as the most simple one yet it is 'intoxicated' the heaviest by fear.

The very physical presence, expression, breathing of me here within and as the human physical body is which contained, programmed to and accepted to behave according to all sorts of control and thus fear.

There is a specific experience/expression I open up here, which is when I simply lay down and relax, breathe as naturally as possible and stop all muscles, just be, the full relaxation of my body, I am present, yet there is no control - letting all go, one by one specifically and all of them altogether.

This might seem simple and easy, however for me it is the most difficult task to do and not because I am so stressed, have no 'body' awareness or I can't relax for a while.

There is nothing of that kind, I can even rest 'peacefully' any time, but it is a personality, a program within which I have adapted to be able to rest as optimally as possible, but if I look at it within absolute Self-honesty and in terms of the stopping participating in and as the mind, consciousness systematic definitions, judgements, memories; then within any single moment I can see that I am still of resistances, judgements, control, thus: fear.
There is like a falling experience, in a way, like death - feels like I am letting go the body, so I am 'returning' to the source point of my existence, which is a need for maintaining a separation, control - fear. Difficult to explain, this is really intimate, I have to explore to describe it further, to specify.
It relates to my childhood experiences when I felt like when falling asleep, falling into the endless universe, no stable ground, endless, timeless, eternal infinity, which seemed as scary. Those experiences I still carry within my body somehow. I don't feel like it is 'bad', I can 'operate' quite alright all the time, but within my beingness, this is a resistance, a limitation which I commit myself to walk through.

This point I can 'reproduce' any time, yet I do not 'work' with it constantly, that is an important angle to open up, however this time I keep walking this from the CONTROL aspect.

There is still of polarity from a very specific point, so letting go all control is in fact of an other level of control and that makes it bipolar, if you know what I mean.

It's like I still need to be in control in order to 'make' all other 'parts' of me to release of control.

But then by experiencing all my parts not being in control, that part of me, which controlled that - becomes quite obviously still being within the control and then as I focus to that, all I see is control.

That is also the experience - being lost in the presence so to speak, when I am not here, in the moment, but of the moment, without awareness, context, direction, motivation.

For years I was trying to make contact with my 'inner zen animal' so to speak, who I can be without control, giving up the bombardment of any meaning, concept or system, definition within me because believing that any meaning if I still have, sense, participate within, I am the slave of it, because by having a 'rigid, solid part as the definition/relationship as emerges in my mind' I would rebuild the whole mind-personality, so I tried to redefine myself as chaos, unpredictability, total lack of control yet within a quite mystified discipline.

This was before Desteni Process, when I was not aware of the simplest, yet most profound principle I ever realized within existence, which is Equality and Oneness, meaning I am always equal and one with and as what I exist as, so as Gurdjieff explained: I am already a Unified man and from this starting point I can exactly see what must be understood/released/forgiven and let go of completely from my inner core of being.

Not just the control I can give up but also the already formed definitions/relationships about of letting go control.

Also very important aspect is that I falsely believed that all words are misleading, meaning I have to be able to find, exist within a state of 'before the words', because I believed that all words are already 'contaminated' by false meaning, thus the only solution I perceived was to disregard words - that made me conclude to a state of 'chaos'.

However what I have not seen/realized/understood is that words are what I give meaning to, can be also support, and within that I can also live them as a self-supporting structure within starting point, expression.

For this it is also required to grasp the importance of Self-forgiveness: that I already exist in relation to words, even when I try to disregard these word-relationships within my conscious mind, when I am not within focus/discipline, there are subconscious/unconscious/physical mind manifestations what are still existing in relation to these word-definitions, polarities, energetic connections, I am just not aware of them, which could create energetic experiences, personality shifts, inner conflicts, instability.

However through the practical application of writing, sounding, physically, literally acting the expression of Self-forgiveness I

become aware of the patterns, the already accepted definitions/meanings/relationships to specific words and by recognizing the circumstances within which I accept these to emerge and I would react to, I can have a moment/point/space/time of awareness to decide that do I want to participate within this particular experience/reaction? Because if I really investigate it, write a diary about it, record my reactions, actions, then I can see that it is quite much the same all the time.

It depends on who I accept myself to be, I could write some obvious examples within which a 'normal' man or woman would react a certain way, and it is always about who I am within it, and is there awareness, direction, or simply predefined automatic reaction?

So Self-forgiveness is the tool of understanding the mind-control. My own mind's control. Because ultimately this is I realize and take responsibility for, that all the control I ever participate within is the reflection of my own self-acceptance of my own mind-control.

Many people get afraid from this 'government conspiracy' micro-chipping mind control, but no one realizes the fact that it is always me, self, here who is accepting and allowing any mind-control.

I mean is it 'my' mind, which I 'control' or is it my mind what controls me?

How anybody could control my mind but with my own permission to my own mind?

So even the concept, the very fear emerging in relation to any mind control is because one starts realizing that it is not self here who has the directive principle, but one's mind.

So it's just a point to consider about control, but eventually, within the Process of Unification, Self-realization, becoming Self-and Life-responsible, control is always limited, because based on patterns of separation.

I close this by noting down some more points when I experience this resistance to let go all control as this is very specific, and also interesting also to see that there are moments when there is no resistance/control involved within my resting/relaxation - I simply act and when I am relaxed, I start acting.

There are also moments when I experience thoughts and by reacting to these I get 'energized' and when I am 'stimulated' into this 'conscious state' I stand up, but then I can see that well, it is not absolutely self-honest, so then I shall ask, why I still accept myself existing like this?

Today I had this, after work, a busy day, coming home and having dinner, I have a 10-30 minutes rest/relax/sleep usually and many times after this nap I just wake up and continue with my day without tiredness, but sometimes I wake up tired. It is not really a physical tiredness, so then I can have the automatic 'feel' for gaining control over myself to wash away this tiredness experience.

But then I can also notice that many times I participate within the thoughts of 'I have many things to do, if I do not do them, tomorrow will be more things to be done, so I rather do it' - which can be common sense and also can be of fear, like 'if I screw these things up which I built thus far, I would lose everything I have now, which I would be angry to myself about' - and only Self-honesty can reveal if there is any, even 'slightest' fear.

So this post is a bit more talkative than being on point, so I align myself with Self-forgiveness according to these points mentioned.

This supports the accumulation of realization that I do not think who I am, but I am getting to KNOW who I am, which is practical, not just listening to thoughts in my head, but in real time physical application I already recognize the patterns and being able to see deeper into my and thus the world's creation.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I want to control things what I have allowed a fear-influenced relationship within myself through words, energetic reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions, thus by manifesting polarities within me, wanting to stimulate, manipulate myself into apparent equilibrium, status quo, balance to stop friction, which exists because of already self-accepted pre-programmed self-definitions, reactions to external and internal conditions which I am not aware of, not taken responsibility for and not yet realized that I can understand and stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do not need to accept the fear I have, which I even can not see, but when I strive to control, have resistance to let go this control, I can recognize that I am suppressing a fear, I am not aware of how and why I created patterns which in fact I have given permission to control me through my mind, manifested into and as my human physical body which with I identified myself with so then I stopped questioning, challenging my self-accepted limitations.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the strive for control within me is because I already given my mind the permission, the automated word-and energy-based programming of my human physical body to external and internal conditions to control me and wanting to overcome, overpower that control and meanwhile not realizing that I only strengthen that control by this, because it is my very starting point, the very fear which I allowed to control me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge to myself and even to others that I am being controlled by my mind, not always, but at specific times, which I suppressed to realize/see/understand, because even the very idea that I am constantly being controlled not by me, self, physical, here is frightening, so I rather automated excuses and justifications which with I identified myself with in order to not take self-responsibility to take responsibility for the utter fact that I am an automated organic robot and the only way to stop this is to walk the Process of Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, because only me can actually, directly, specifically see why, when and what I am participating within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to allow to embrace the word 'utter fact' of not being able to live myself without resistances, self-limitations and sugar coating it by excuses and justifications, comparisons and blame and thus diminishing the momentum of taking responsibility of who I am accepting myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize, or even realize but to forget by being obsessed and lost within experiences to the fact that 'taking responsibility' is not something hard, heavy, something to resist, because it is also fact that regardless of I take it or not, I am constantly and consistently manifesting physical consequences within and of this world, planet, humanity, country, family wherein I am literally located within space and time from which there is no escape - even the idea of wanting to escape is based of a fear of responsibility, an attempt to control 'fate' instead of directing as self as creator, creation as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a construct within my mind about what is physical control, when I am within chaos, what is freedom in relation to the simple point of existing here, expressing and living in and as my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to categorize, define, systematize knowledge and information in relation to what is proper breathing, when I am controlling, what is good, what is bad and not being able to direct myself to release these influences, whenever I focus to my breathing, allowing myself to just be here, and not realizing, that it is because I have not yet walked, revealed, understood, forgiven all the patterns I've allowed myself to define as who I was, am or will be in relation to who and how I am in relation to breathing.

I will continue with specific points of control and breathing to forgive and thus realize that I allow it to influence, control me instead of preventing myself to participate within and explore what is beyond control and fear and actually realize what is the source, the origin point of the fear within each of these actual occurrences.
Also to further decompose and let go the relationships, meanings I associated to certain words as I realize that words not need to be tools of separation, limitation, but also can give support for direct self-expression, living the words as structure, clarity, stability within self-honesty.

Anyone decides to face the mind, the control - hidden and obvious - Self-forgiveness is always here - How to start can be understood by this free online course called DESTENIIPROCESS LITE.

[JTL Day 182] The Desteni of Living - My Declaration of Principle

Hereby I declare these points as commitment, this is who I am and this is what I stand for:

1. Realising and living my utmost potential

2. Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all

3. Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa

4. Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the action of realising I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others

5. Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realising only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others

6. Realising that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take responsibility for myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every moment and live in such a way that is best for me and so others as well

7. Living the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others

8. With taking responsibility for myself, becoming aware of myself – take responsibility and become aware of others in my life, to assist and support them as I am assisting and supporting myself – to give as you would like to receive and do the extra bit every day to see where I can contribute to other’s lives and so my own

9. Living the principle of self trust – as I commit myself to remain constant in my living of self honesty, self responsibility and self awareness, I stand as an unbending trust that I always in all ways know who I am no matter what I face and that in this I know, as proven in the constancy of my living that I will always honour and stand by what is best for all and so best for me

10. Making Love Visible – through me not accepting/allowing anything less than my utmost potential, I support those in my life to reach their utmost potential, to love them as I have shown love to myself by gifting to me my utmost potential, the best life/living experience and show others as I have shown myself what it means to LIVE

11. No one can save you, save yourself – the realisation that the tools and principles of Desteni is the guide, but I must walk the path myself. We are here to assist and support each other in this process from Consciousness to Awareness/LIFE and what it means to live – but the process itself, where you are alone with yourself in your own Mind: is walked alone

12. Not waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world – but that I realise I have created who and how I am in this moment, therefore I have the responsibility to change who and how I am and so the realisation that we as a collective created how and what this world is today and so it is the responsibility of the collective to change how and what this world is today

13. Honouring the life in each person, animal – everything from the great to the small of earth, that we expand our awareness and responsibility to creating the best possible life for everyone and everything and so ourselves

14. Relationships as Agreements: individuals coming together using agreements as a platform to one-on-one expand, grow and develop as individuals in life and living to support/assist each other unconditionally to reach their utmost potential where the agreement is a coming together of individuals understanding what it means to stand as equals and to stand as one

15. Sex as Self Expression – where sex is an united expression between individuals in honour, respect, consideration and regard of each other as equals, two physical bodies uniting in equality and oneness – a merging of two equals as one physically.

16. Realising that by the virtue of me being in this world – my responsibility does not only extend to my own Mind / my own Life, but to the minds and lives of everything and everyone of this earth and so my commitment is to extend this awareness to all of humanity to work together and live together to make this world heaven on earth for ourselves and the generations to come

17. I must in my thoughts, words and deeds – but most importantly in my living actions, become a living example for others in my world that is noticeable and visible when it comes to the potential of a person to change themselves and so change their world. So that more people can realise how we can change this world, by standing united in our self change within the principle of what is best for all to bring heaven to earth

18. I am the change I want to see in me and my world – to bring heaven to earth is to bring into being, into living the LIVING PROOF of a PRACTICAL HEAVEN that can be seen and heard in our actions and words. We are the Living Heaven that must come into creation in this living world.

19. Through purifying my thoughts, words and deeds – my inner becomes my outer, so I bring into creation me as heaven into earth, realising it is not enough to ‘see the change / be the change’ – for change to become REAL it must be a constant, consistent living of me through the words I speak and the actions I live visible and noticeable to all in every moment of breath

20. Realising that my physical body is my temple – my physical body is the living flesh through which and in which I will bring into being and create / manifest heaven on earth as me in my thoughts, words and deeds and so I honour, respect and regard – nurture and support my physical body as I would nurture and support me as equals: my body is me

21. We are the change in ourselves and this world we have been waiting for: and so I commit to dedicate myself and my life for each one as all to realise this, as nothing will change if we don’t change in all that we are, within and without

22. The realisation that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all

23. The realisation that for me to be able to contribute to change in this world – I have to get to ‘know thyself’ as this world and so commit myself to research, investigate and introspect the inner and outer workings of this world and align the systems of today to present and give the best possible life for all on Earth

[JTL 163] Mystical Drug Experiences are like Ant inspecting a Lamborghini

Desteni Artists - Ant Inspecting Lamborghini by Bernard Poolman (picture is link)

I dare to question the drug-induced holy/mystical/oneness/bliss/enlightenment/god-experiences.

Question Everything

• Are they really relevant experiences or those are just the mind's play, an other level of enslavement?
• Do the people had experienced these really are able to apply this within their life and become more whole/effective/supportive for themselves and others?
• If we are absolutely self-honest and question these experiences, are we capable of really-really trust in these experiences?
• Do we really need to take mind-blowing drugs to figure out what would be the ACTION OF WHAT IS BEST FOR ALL?
• Isn't the utmost divine/god-like/enlightened act to accumulate physical consequences towards what is best for all?
• What is blocking individual human beings and humanity as a whole to simply consider the fact that what is best for all is what is best for the one?
• What is actually blocking to use our brain/imagination/logical mind to realize what must be done in order to manifest in this physical system what is best for ourselves and all others?
• Do we really need drugs to shatter/explode/intensify/zoom/effect our mind to consider what direction we should change in order to become a better/more effective/more practical person?
• What is really better for individuals and humanity as a group altogether than do we have currently?
• What do we really experience during mind-blowing drug experiences?
• Why do we really believe what we experience as divine/god-like/mystical/enlightened?
• What is the point what should be considered to use common sense and see beyond our experiences and consider facts and practical solutions?
• What are the current excuses do we have for not being able to figure out what is really here and claiming we need to blow our mind in order to see beyond our accepted limitations?

These are just introductory questions, I mean - to question everything should not be a question because until I am on a quest for what is truth - I am not here, I am amazed in the journey through a maze of consciousness experiences in my mind while I am separated from what is really here as truth as this physical reality, Earth, ground, animals, plants, dirt, air, other humans and lot's of manifested consequences what are already proven not to be best for all what must be addressed with common sense to sort out.

Some people do use mind-blowing drugs to experience 'beyond the veil' and some claim for this life-changing experiences.

Here is the interview with Bernard Poolman about drugs.

"What is being accessed during the use of drugs is the mind, on become more aware of either a segment or a more complete picture of the mind. Obviously many then claim that they had a divine experience and they have become more knowledgeable, even wise and they have experienced oneness, they have touched god, all kinds of stuff.
I have a really sad news for you because to give you a context of your experience what you are actually seeing is to look at
An ant inspecting a Lamborghini. For the ant the Lamborghini look amazing and out of this world but even in this world the Lamborghini is completely irrelevant. Your experience is completely irrelevant. Your oneness experience is simply you're becoming aware of that you are part of a system that controls you within which you do not exist at all. Nothing what is experienced while on drugs is real. And as I mentioned you will give me many excuses and wonderful things because apparently their experience was something divine. It isn't. It's just your mind.
Now if your mind is to such an extent superior to you and you are mostly unable to actually contain, direct or orchestrate or connect or map your own thoughts, ~nevermind your memories, you can't even remember what happened during your life? How can you trust any of your perceptional insights? How can you trust any of the knowledge you hide behind? How can you trust anything that you are experiencing?
Careful! Delusion! Delusion! Delusion! Illusion! Illusion. The word illusion is very specific. It says you are losing. You'll lose yourself completely. And there is no divine spark waiting, there is no great merging with the great spirit waiting. It was all a lie. Time to take your hands out of the pocket and to start to find way to sort out this reality because you are here as the result of the sins of your fathers.
What you are busy doing is creating the future of your children. You are responsible as your fathers and great-fathers and forefathers were responsible.
Time to take responsibility..."

My experiences

I've had - really had - countless of experiences on various drugs, mostly with what are referred as 'psychedelics' - from smal spliffs to horrendous dosages for surreal trips and everything I've experienced was just an experience - not reality.

I've SEEN things, I've seen through levels of consciousness systems, I've seen dimensions, worlds, constructs many and many-many more - but honestly, in the current life I live on Earth, in this body, how these contribute for the problems I face in terms of finding practical solutions? In no way whatsoever. All I've realized was that it's all perception, it's all illusion what I perceive but that does not mean this reality is an illusion.
The experience is what with we relate and then reacting to experience we are being stimulated by- drugs are only catalyzers only.

Just like those mainstream hollywood action flicks wherein hundreds of people are working hard for a year on visualizing and sounding the screenplay perfectly and then starting the production by artistic camera moves towards the movie's peak moment where the hero says something apparently relevant message like 'you have to love yourself' or 'family first' with emotion-tweaking music and oversaturated visuals and you might have wet eyes and a tiny automated nodding and then the movie continues with destructive car chasing, bloody shooting rage and nonsensical fistfight between the ultimate good and evil and then the winner hugs his model-like half-plastic masked babe and pans away with a kiss in the sunset hearing groovy music.

Not a bad analogy if I see that tripping on drugs takes soooooo much time while we are entertained within our mind, not being really here, not being able to take full responsibility, not even be able to walk through traffic or even speak properly - but we can see like Van Gogh's paintings or watch plants as breathing and glowing fractals and see our thinking like cartoon's bubbles falling apart, explode or dissolve while connect with the music completely and experience intensity and bliss - but meanwhile we should not drive as we are so flying high we are completely off-track from phyisical reality and it feels so more real, more free that we'd want to stay in wonderland for ever.

I am here questioning the divinity of drug experiences.

I have walked this path for several years with manifesting myself as the character as an eraserhead and I've mastered the art of making habit of myself being completely off-here, automated, ignorant and absolutely acceptive for all the problems in this world, the full self-acceptance of being a self who is not real in and as this enslavement of consciousness system which apparently means being human entails of on individual and humanity as a whole.

The intent was good - to get free, to go beyond my limitations, to see new perspectives, to transcend, to be able to help others - yet what I've manifested through the personalities I've became with the so called mystical experiences was not freedom at all but self-delusion and my life proven absolutely not working.

I was kind of hectic within that, I always had the tendency to be radical so to speak within ensuring doing things what I do with full of my beingness if I could - so within the quest in searching the truth I've put on all my cards to spiritual and psychedelic practices for quite some years.

What I have found that people do not really commit themselves for what they want for instance some do buddhist meditation and tries to apply it's sort of principles . It suggests to put aside alcohol and drugs or do the practices every day for progression and apply several symbolism into their living such as always discouraging the ego and self-interest, thoughts, emotions, desire while what people mostly ending up doing is standing on several principle-feets/columns, meaning 'keeping their old life' what is being used as justification why not fully applying the 'practice's principles'.

That is why for instance in Jesus teachings there is this 'leave your parents' - give up all who you were before otherwise you will remain the same even when you try to apply new paradigms for your living standards - first empty the cup before filling up with new stuff...
And it obviously does not mean give your parents the finger and let them rot without ever wanting to see them as it would oppose the 'give as you would like to receive' - but to leave your parent's point of views, starting points, philosophical codes and start from scratches finding out what is your real truth of who you are and what you do and more importantly: what you want to become.

For me this was a bit easy as I came from a family wherein I've seen the lower-end side of living, the poor family in the village, I've seen killing animals daily from kittens to horses and family members arguing and fighting drunk almost every day and the patterns I've soaked into my beingness as living was not really practical but theatrically reactive, in my mind quite radioactive, meaning not really being able to enjoy myself or have stability to be able to deal with reality and solve my psychological issues such as being blaming, shameful, suppressive, energy-addicted daydreaming, procrastinating boy and the only luck I've had that was able to deal with science and computers and also my will to want to become more than I've experienced myself to be, mostly taken from books and movies because the patterns I've seen as 'who I am' was not satisfying, but more frustrating, chaining so the need for changing myself, my reality was not really a choice but more like act of surviving.

So for that - I was eager to fully blow my mind with drugs and actively trying out several spiritual practices while I was totally ready to give up everything I consisted of - except my strongest desires such as beautiful women, money and maybe some sort of fame and lots of power(defined mostly by the other desires) - which by my way proven to be very difficult but I quite soon realized this is why I am born, not for half-solutions, so I just do it and kind of never see back or look more forward while trying to erase my old personalities which already proven as not cool because suppressions, doubt, petrifying fears and burning, reality-blurring desires.

I've had my alcohol moments at university - it was like inhibiting the inhibition system within my mind - so I was able to express myself and talk! but after some years my body was like 'why you killing me?' and also all I've noticed that I did not really change who I was then if I allowed myself to get loose - I was just reckless and more like an unchained abused little wild animal who just raged around wrecking and laughing what did not seem right and also my father and many family members already walked this path and I've seen directly what alcohol really do with people's mind and body which was a no-go quite soon. I had this stomach-acid problem by always swallowing my reactions to remain apparently calm and combining that with lots of wine, shots, so when I finished university I had ulcer which was really hellish and completely blocked my ability to enjoy any given hour in my life so I lost my interest with alcohol when I started to smoke weed, which gave 'strange experience' while kind of I saw myself echoing in my mind and I calmed down with it.

Then I was surprised when I was high for the first time with acid - it was like smoking but 1000 times stronger - and it was still not enough so I wanted it again and the second time was a sort of white light experience, like a reset on computer - I've experienced silence, quietness, I was unable to define and I was dead and yet I was walking around so it seemed quite alive-like. This life-style has been sucked me into it's scenes quite deeply and I was learning how to not freak out while melting my mind completely.

There were aspects what kind of proven to be supportive, to be able to adapt the fast-changing mind-sets, external settings, the madness, the constant uncertainty of this changing world within and without - but in overall with this I was unable to work with physical reality effectively, only for a period of time of letting go was cool but then I've defined letting go, chaos and destruction within as who I am and then I've became it, I've became addicted to remaining who I've defined myself to be in order to perceive who I am to what I wanted to be while in reality from time to time accumulating hitting rock bottom and then realizing I was not here and missed some relevant points from what I've made mistakes and manifested irreversible consequences and losing everything again and again and again.

So for the so called divine and mystical experiences wherein one feels the touch of god and the oneness, the matrix, the beauty of the system: it is very important to question everything, especially the positive reactions within ourselves. I've explored this scene sooooooo much, I remember the weirdest experiences, changing visions, walking in mandala-fields, seeing everyone as myself literally, seeing the inner demon within everybody, seeing the layers of the minds, bodies or seeing energies, codes, fractals, ocean-like flowing of visuals, mercury-like people-groups flowing, siddhas, buddhas, aspects, bardo, ghosts, fairies, astral projection, obe, hypnosis, countless of white light experiences, ecstatic moments, body-switch, shamanic, tantric, krishna, jesus, buddha-experiences, whatever, YOU NAME IT, probably I've experienced - it's kind of groovy - but when I am for the real truth, nothing but the truth of myself, of reality, of facts, of everything - I can easily say this is nothing compared to Self-honest Living Here in Every Moment, only distraction, mesmerizing obsession to hide behind.
These experiences surely gave me perspectives, memories, references for what I am capable with the mind, even for moments without the mind - but after all I've proven myself - to myself and even others - that I was not directing, I was just 'free-riding' and I was reactive, automatic and picked up quite some quite schizophrenic, mind-splitting, megalomaniac convictions which with all I did was protecting my own interest to not needing to REALLY change, even by giving up these experiences completely.

System perspective

This is a very relevant topic to talk about as the world system consciousness is (constantly) evolving the idea of virtualization in the mind trying to promote experience instead of facts and solutions for all (as the machine-like manifested consequence-reflection of ourselves as equal as one) and what is spreading is to blow the mind as human right with those legalization campaigns for dope and other psychedelic, enteogenic drugs while almost half of the planet has no got no human right to have food, shelter, water, health care and education so within looking at priorities, the concept of equality is quite toxic when all the western people are thinking equality as the right to be openly gay, blowing mind with drugs and also have the right to march publicly, to live in secrecy, privacy and even now becoming to demand basic income while in overall looking the humanity as a whole we do not give that to all country while justifying it with manifested separation by definition of countries, religions, cultures, opinions so it is so fucked up if we start to investigate it with common sense, sober mind...but mostly we are always ready for an other fascinating experience to explore more while facts and manifested consequences accumulate.

I am not against the decriminalization personally as in my perspective it is absolutely exaggeration and unfair to go to jail because one is blowing mind with substances, unless manifesting brutal consequences - especially while many anti-life pro-war-public figure criminals are walking freely on Earth - it is also the question of what do we really have right to do by the law, by morality, by consideration of all participants.

One more thing I point out here is that it is also quite unequal for instance when the big promoter of weed Snoop Dogg is being caught with a pillow-sized quantity of dope at an airport, he just pays some thousands of fine and gets front coverage with his fox-like smile on it saying "Life is cool, bro, do it too!" while if some street kids are being caught with some spliffs they literally hit rock bottom in the jail judging them as the nastiest evil so it is quite a controversial topic.

Also I am aware of the the researches at MAPS and other 'multidisciplinary' psychedelic therapeutic groups for instance for war veterans with PTSD and with MDMA and Psylocybin they have some result for sure - but these wrecked humans(coming home from hell of Iraq, Afghan or Somali etc wars) are so much screwed up by directly facing real reality of the demonic nature of mankind within which they literally torture and abuse and kill each other, I mean human killing human is like brother killing sister, not much different, especially when we investigate the causes for wars and realize that is mostly by corporate greed for profit and not even ideology or moral reasons - that is only the media propaganda to catalyze the human mind's emotions -  these soldiers are really deserve therapies what can lesser their fuckedup-ness of their severed mind and beingness to stop living in constant horror - for which drugs - with supportive, so to speak controlled environment - they can re-visit the trauma experiences and revive from the dreadful physical shock they've been programmed to exist.
I am sure that if those therapies would embrace and introduce supporting with Self-forgiveness, Self-honesty, Writing, they would result with much more effectiveness as I have used that too to support myself from stopping extreme paranoia with the assistance of Desteni Forum and Desteni I Process course.

Mystical experiences

Let's look back at the point of 'divine', 'mystical', 'holy' experiences which I've realized as a complete delusion, illusion, not being true at all but our perception through still remaining in and as our owned (or being owned by) mind system making us believe we are reaching out while all what happens is that we are being blinded by the bars of our mind-cage shining bright with the effect of the drug over saturating, melting and liquifying our already existing separation from reality within exponential exaggeration.

Such as within the quoted Bernard Poolman's interview - people will give many excuses and justifications of how those experiences are resulting them becoming more knowledge-able, wise etc however it should be common sense that if we do not practically become more responsible and actually be able to do for what is best for all with any experience then it is not worth a moment to even talk about.

Whatever is 'divine' - it means separated - polarity - it's like in the Orwell's Animal farm - "all animals are equal, but there are more equals" - just like in our manifested human system with it's blood, the money system - just like we define our moments sliced in time, judged by quality, positive or negative which is always only comes from self-interest. Self-interest indeed, even when we 'think about others first' it is about ourselves one layer deeper and when it comes down to Earth and the only acceptable solution obviously should be about really changing who we are according to what is best for all.

I really like the music for instance of Shpongle but what they speak about 'Divine Moments of Truth' referring to Dimetyl Triptamin enteogenic drug which with one can see through the veil and realize what is going on is questionable.

I mean, everything is questionable with common sense! Even questioning our questioning and I am not kidding - nothing in this world is what it seems and we want absolute self-realization we can not trust anything! Especially what comes from our perception as it has been formed, shaped from the first breath we've born here by forces outside of us therefore if we want to aim absolute realization from where we will not fall from time to time - we should get to the bottom of all things with practical, physically measurable Self-honesty with the tools of Self-forgiveness, Self-honesty, Writing, group support, etc

Even people refer to DMT that it is produced in the body, the mind, whatever they say to justify that what they experience is more real than our physical world - for me it is irrelevant if I can not become more practical for what is best for all in this human system. And be mind-blowing musician, promoting mind-blowing drugs will really solve the economic/environmental/educational issues and manifest a system for ensuring to prevent poverty/war/child-abuse/slavery/destroying ecology?

What is best for all is not a mystical term - it is something what can be considered by the 'give as you would like to receive' and 'love thy neighbor as thyself' principles. Food, shelter, water, education, health care is what we want for ourselves, so then seeing facts - currently it is not given to all - so first of all, this would be the best for all, that's simple, no need a trip to the Mars to see this through...

Also the musician from Shpongle(this is very popular in the mind-blowing scene and many does similarly quoting drug-experiences by psychonaut foes) has an other song called 'Mystical experiences' - which I really like as music but the message is the same: there are experiences which through one can experience great oneness, a world beyond which is more divine.

I agree with the need for deeper understanding what people grasp of this reality, I really do, which for religions and even science can not really stand for as those are more easily questionable because science is more and more becoming the tool and fuel for more corporate greed for profit and religions mostly point attention towards obedience and beyond death and asking for divine mercy while being comfortable with even child-woman-abuse and holy wars and the media is selling consumer materialism big time which also bulks in environmental and all living creature's abuse and aimless reproduction on mind- and physical level so people are hunger for real answers within the era of complete brainwashing thus trying to come up with more and more extreme methods to shake off the chains of our own enslavement.

The era of modern shamans, yogis, tantrikas, mind-revolutionists, psychonauts new-agen, spiritual and consciousness entrepreneurs has come wherein conviction of freedom is always at our fingertips to trip into the world of divine, mystical, profound, blissful spirit world of our true nature with various chemical substances.

I am deeply sorry but I humbly disagree. And I repeat - I've had these experiences, so vivid, so mesmerizing, so deep, so detailed that many currently I can not even describe and I've even enjoyed it, it was really like space-travel with the speed of light, but if it comes to Self-realization, Self-honesty towards practical solutions I clearly state that it was just the dimensions of Mind Consciousness System - not life, not really real.

For fun, artistic influences, sort of self-therapy, psychological-self-evaluation and acknowledging the extent of my own mind systems within which I exist as my own self-accepted enslavement for working with the tools of Self-forgiveness, Self-investigation it can be supportive for once in a while if one has the ability to apply Self-honesty.
Within each experience if we dare to really slow down - we can reach it's limit, it's end and it's systematic equation so to speak which can be explored through words, their relationships and energetic reactions always linked back to the human physical body. It's just the question of specificity and Self-honesty applied with measurable ways such as Self-forgiveness written, said aloud.

Also people would response that if one would require such experiences for becoming a less asshole, why not we let them experiment with their mind?

First of all you and your mind, your body is government property, what you have signed on many documents already under the capitalized letters of your name so are owned - hmm just kidding, but seriously - our so called 'civilization' is the external representation of our own mind consciousness system which determines how we perceive and react to things since our first moment.

We always exist within equal and one relationships as it is the basic principle in existence: Equality and Oneness as Self as all as one as equal. That's why we are always in relationship with something, even in drug experiences.

But if one has not dealt with the conscious mind, subconscious/unconscious mind, one's own-self interest, the desires, fears, ego and not yet manifested a stable physical presence and consistent breathing here as silence within in application and direction to walk Self-forgiveness to immediately re-align and change - these things will make one believe into constructs which are not really real, only the mind is at play which we are automated ourselves to define(even ourselves) with, therefore as as the mind itself.

So whatever is 'mystical', it is sneaky so to speak - 'myst I call' to hide behind, because I am unable to cut through the bullshit because I am not absolutely Self-honest/brave enough to understand all aspects, relationships, parts of my own creation, therefore this mysticism is here to justify with that "I do not fully understand what and why I do, I just know, I just believe, I just trust".

This is unacceptable within the context of Absolute Self-honesty and obviously within common sensical cross-referencing as it might fall with comparing to facts therefore we have to question these whole spiritual vocabularies which has been spread across the cultures all over the planet what if we dare to investigate it's history, FACTS, we can see - all the spiritual agenda was just a smart coup as any other consumerism, only this one has aimed the mind, it's energetic systems(what then will stimulate to do capitalistic consumerism).

And it is not even just about the point of Self-honesty but within delusion one's actions and their consequences into the physical reality, Earth without really being aware of what one's actions are causing through participating for instance in the capitalistic cannibalistic system wherein half of the human population of the planet is living in poverty meaning not having proper food, water, shelter, education, health care so then the accumulation of one's actions or not actions is also a responsibility whether one is aware about it or not.

And I repeat - I do not have problem with the mind-altering drugs at all - only what I refer to is for practical solution purposes these are obviously not the solution. Many claim, promote and even agitate these substances and the experiences they had on those that it is the solution while it is also questionable. It is so cool we see those vivid hallucinations of course, but many might freak out and they do not do it anymore, but if one then does it again and again and again for the tripping - is that really for transcending?
I still visit goa-psy-trance parties/festivals sometimes for fun and dance(not consuming anything only water) or making videos or helping on sound stage or just test myself(do I have energetic reaction in the mind and then re-align with Self-forgiveness immediately) and I look around and many people blow their mind and drink a lot by habit as it is the 'normal party' and is it really that 'revolutionary'/'life-changing'? Though it is cool to not judge yet embrace all what is here in all ways.

For let go of the reins within our mind, unscrewing the frames of it, having reference-experiences for what is like when we are not defining, when we see the extent of the mind consciousness layers and energetic manifestations it can be a mind-field-trip literally but within this one experience can easily fuck up one's own process of Self-realization by even within one thought-feeling-process when using it as fact while it is just a reaction of the past when one was Self-dishonest, in separation of fear from what is really real therefore manifesting some patterns from what one acts out or starts out a thing in one's living which seems valid, legit or even self-honest while it was literally just a tripping.

For instance when I use big equations for computing quantities for materials being needed for a house to build up and in the equation-process for mixing cement I make a mistake and count on ten times less one of the requirements than what is needed for it to last and it turns out only when it is too late when workers build up the house by it and later it falls apart and then it is already too late to correct it.

Once I've had the conclusion that I am a buddha, so for years I was doing buddhist things and then I've realized I am not.
Once I've perceived myself as light - so then from that moment I've defined myself constantly as 'light' - while I am not light. It is the polarity of the mind, depending on positive, negative: lightness, darkness.
Once I've felt myself as being this christ consciousness, for months  I was wondering about that while I was able to let it go and realized it was by super-fast thoughts I've allowed to influence me.
Another time I've had experience talking to a specific mahasiddha(sort of old story of a buddha-like guy who had superpowers, just like from x-man) in a dream so then I've felt myself like 'I've given directions and teachings directly from a buddha-aspect) which I've researched for years, even went to India to find more original scriptures about it.
Many-many and many-many more experiences I've had while here, today I do see it was conviction, opinion, with good intentions nothing else but self-interest, and took invaluable years to realize how exactly I was Self-dishonest to be able to see through my own, self-created, self-maintained, thought-, feeling-, emotion-, memory-image-tuned experiences.

This is the mind - we can experience whatever we intensify ourselves into by the thoughts, feelings, emotions - if we have enough money for it and be able to pay for health, food, shelter - and there are many who can not afford to escape into experiences of positive, groovy moments but they suffer and survive - or not. It is crucial to understand how we are creating experiences through our mind.

It is similar in and as the mind where positive and negative judgements, energies are constantly moving and to see what is real one is required to lean back and stop participating - and within the drug experience these all systems are not really being stopped - only all is being liquified for one big blob within which one is tripping constantly and all the experiences are happening and within that one is not seeing thoughts, only patterns, geometry, colors, frequencies etc - while it is the same system, only it is being heated up (or cooled down) to have different effects.

So anything seems mystical - it is suspicious that "I am in delusion with justification".

It also can become easily a trap - as we peel off a layer with drugs and see another - and then we do another 'trip' to face the next layer - and then we also experience the mind blowing - and then again - while we completely miss the point of direct changing ourselves - and wanting to use the stuff to experience again or have a more direct reference or having a more deep, longer, intense, profound experience - but it's just experience - completely individual - even when we do it together and we feel similar, whatever - we do not understand how the mind works, it is always creates virtual space within we are being entertained - and if drugs effect our mind - we are not here, we are in the mind, it's common sense.
We even can state that we are simulating life - but after all all we do just stimulate ourselves.

There is nothing within our mind or consciousness which can not be explored within practical self-honesty HERE, breath by breath, step by step, if required with specific assistance.

That is real Self-intimacy - the Transcendence of the Mystical.

Just some points to 'thing' about... If you disagree - simply share your perspective if you dare to stand out and see your common sense and discuss it openly with no shame.

I am open for facts and cross-referencing, these are the points I've realized.

What I've also realized is that many of the so called enlightened people are not standing up and out and share their point of views - therefore it is already questionable is it really real, meaning if you would be so sure that you are really knowing, really transcending, why don't you want to share that so fucking divine revelation with all the world openly?

Investigate your interest, your motivation, your direction, your willingness and capability of sort things out on Earth. No matter what's the matter - what is the excuse? That should be obvious how to step through and ACT SOLUTION if you are really enlightened - if not, then question everything from scratches. Every day if required, every moment if needed. Simple.

Also when one is blowing with these drugs - can also incorporate the F.E.A.R.

Fear of being punished from the law system being completely hooked on stuffs which are illegal? This was a great point also within my living with drugs for self-betterment - for my reasoning it was this buddha-thing(buddha referring here as 'awakened one'), one saying was that

'A buddha should not rely on anything'.

I mean literally anything - so if I do need anything for being aware - am I being aware or just being effected to feel more aware until the effect is gone?
So even referring to such thing as 'buddha'(which is a label, a definition, a picture, a judgment in the mind) is already a relying - relationship, separation, fear. Unacceptable. Push through it and whenever comes up - apply Self-forgiveness immediately and re-align in one breath and stand.
Not much time after applying Self-forgiveness directly to it one can realize the enormous power of letting go such belief-system and start to realize how much it was indeed blocking real freedom to be here. And from that there is no turning back - Self-honesty is always who we are - or who we are not and that's it.

So after all - for me all mind-altering drug has proven to strengthen only the inner mind for external dependency for perceptions which do not stand through the test of time.

For that it was the beginning of the great war of intensity for having a so strong mind-blast that I should be shifted to the 'other side' permanently. Of course the intensity also only requires for the mind, not for Self-honesty, Breath, Act where we can stand within stability - in and as our human physical body.

For the purpose of mind-blowing drugs if one use these as mind-effects, visualizations, mind-lubricants it can be sort of fun regardless of the fact that it fucks with the mind with ways one does not comprehend therefore it is mostly the separation what is being fueled within one's mind about there are divine moments, the mystical experiences are more real while these are just really the moments of one is seeing the mind system from different angles.

In this perspective for the real self-support it can be used a very few times but only for the sake of realizing how much we are fucked within our mind which we have to take seriously in terms of working through delusions word by word what we do actively accept and allow within our normal daily living.

For the simplicity it is like a war going on within our mind - the positive, negative, neutral energetic forces are being created through frictions of the judgements we participate within and each breath we miss to remain here in inner silence - we are not here, only in this virtual mind field which we were proudly able to program to perceive a some sort of reality for what we do not really take responsibility for.

Each word to we store reactions, memories, feelings which are being programmed into our own physical body to react to what then stimulates the mind, energy, thoughts, feelings, emotions what we will bear one after another even if it is obviously out of context from HERE, even when it is just distraction, energetic accumulation, spite or even self-abuse.

But when the thought is coming here - it is already manifesting in the mind - and if we are not slowed down within enough to literally be faster than our mind - then the mind will always walk in front of us in one step beyond and simply mirroring our starting point of inner separation from ourselves, from the external world therefore being completely powerless and victimized by: our own self-dishonesty towards ourselves and to the external world as equal as one moment by moment accumulating more and more physical consequences not only for ourselves but for our children, the future, the destiny of mankind.

We must be able to become literally faster, smarter, greater, stronger than our mind which requires slow but sure accumulation breath by breath to not participate within it, not being directed, mesmerized, pulled into.
The fact is that our mind is always one(or more) step beyond of us, who do consciously experience and the mind is constantly busy, scanning, processing, equalizing, predicting as a supercomputer and changing the curtains in front of us - but this mind is who we allowed to direct us - and this mind can not be shattered, left behind with drugs - as it is the inner manifestation of separation of ourselves from ourselves - so we must understand the mind, how it works, what triggers it, why I am being reacted the way I am now feeling good, feeling shitty - all we have to know without thinking, without memories - that is awareness - what for Self-forgiveness written, said aloud is the solution - I will be able to see the mind-patterns before being thrown at me as 'experience' and I can become faster - while being silent, here, directive physically.
Even if we can experience these on drugs - it is not really helping as while on stimulated by drug energies - it is not SELF who changed, only being stimulated to perceive differently - so then after the drug experience is gone - we are the same - only having some references which we might define, think about and in that moment we are more screwed as to use the dualistic mind to define non-dualistic mind is the direct way for absolute delusion it is sure, I've walked it, will not work, only for self-interest, but if we open up ourselves to really act for what is best for all, within this capitalistic, limited system, then we will see, it is not practical, it is slowing us down, it is filtering out facts, it is not practical.

So transcendence is letting go all - even experiences, even drugs - if you insist and take the risk, try, for sure(with assistance, as the guy really jumped out from the window, I did not believe in this shit, but he really did, and he is alright now but did he really change? I am not sure, time will tell).

And transcending is not meaning letting go the physical - it means letting go delusions, applying Self-honesty, absolutely, in each breath. And then we can become capable of seeing/realizing/understanding that the mind consciousness is dependent on physical energy, the human physical body, which is way more superior than our mind, than consciousness.

How much more do we need when we really realize the fact that we are inferior to our own mind which is inferior to consciousness systems which is inferior to the physical?

Investigate, question, apply - it is not the lazy, tripping rebel who will realize, but the diligent, self-honest, practical - and if I can become this, any psychonaut can if really dares. This process will be a shit load of more intense when letting go the mind-altering options but then we are able to work directly with and on ourselves for changing and then applying that into our direct reality to really be able to stand for all equally because that assists to embrace what is real, here.

For real solutions we must be in this system but not of the system, understand our inner mind system how we are behaving, why do we behave so and what is our individual impact to the greater human system which has it's own character so to speak. The capitalistic system, the money system is enslaving almost everyone equally while some are feeling divine, mystical, god-like with all their billion times billions of money which to we should stand up to in practical way and use the current system and it's rules to have impact which is relevant which can be accumulated by individuals who really did realize what is the first priority, what must be life, what must be equal life for all.

That is why the Equal Life Foundation has been formed and running various projects, researches to accumulate real solutions such as Living Income Guaranteed for an immediate solution for poverty, famine, child-abuse which for no mind-blowing god-like drug experience is required to see it's immediate need today as daily 30.000 child dies from famine each day which for we must stand together to vote and implement and manifest a system which ensures ground to earth solution.

Personally me, who've invested so much time and effort to know these drugs, experiences, if I would see these things as the most practical solution for the greatest problems to humanity, I might consider supporting these things - but within investigating how the systems really work and how to become the most effective to participate within standing up to these by investigating and participating, I've found these drugs, the experiences not much relevant and from a perspective directly as blocking my effectiveness to expand to directions what to I am directing to move so it is common sense for me within my personal process to let go these experiences, substances and trusting myself to give my support to other manifestations what require focus, consistency, clarity and diligent accumulative effort to have relevant impact on educational, online and local societies as well.

And it is obviously an excuse to claim that these things do not accumulate consequences which are obviously questionable for not only physical but mental health as well which is also a point of Self-honesty I am referring to. If one can acknowledge that even if would like to stop but can't then it is time for ask for support and it is not shameful, for me, when I've approached Desteni forum in 2007, it was common sense to ask for support and that was the one of the most worthy of my decisions in my life because from that moment I am stabilizing and expanding day by day without a doubt which is also available for anyone who really wants to.

So investigate the Mind, Self here, Human Systems by investigating Desteni support sites:

• Desteni I Process LITE for understanding how to work on mind, self, for practical Self-honesty
• Self-supportive mind-blowing Audio Interviews from EQAFE
• Living Income Guaranteed by Equal Life Foundation
• Desteni Forum for sharing Self-realization and ask questions
• Desteni WIKI on drugs
• Why drug experience give the feeling of freedom?

That is all for today about the context of Ant inspecting Lamborghini.

[JTL 102] Transcending Consciousness

Recently I've been noticed that when I am clear - I am able to hear others 'more properly' - meaning not just hearing the words, but the sound they speak with and that have a lot!

The next point I want to bring up is that sometimes I am not able to make the difference of the reactions coming up within myself in regards to the words they speak and the actual way of how they sound the words, meaning I have reaction to the words, the way how they sound the words and I have self-automation, self-definition what activates so fast that I am not able to differentiate that the experience I have within myself when the other speaks that is that of myself or of the person.

Previously when I had psychedelic experiences I knew this can happen, but in that phase of my life I was unaware of how my mind really works, before the education I've started with Desteni.

For instance when I heard the dog barking on mushroom, I felt like I hear the being, the actual experience of the dog and what tries to 'say' and in that moment I had the laugh so long that after walking 10 minutes to reach the bridge from where I've heard the dog and I was still laughing - as distanced away from the 'dog scene' and still hearing it's barking and still 'feeling like' really within myself, not 'hearing it' and then reacting to it, defining it, but actually my whole beingness was able to embrace the sound expression and that was really-really funny when I've realized that with this sound we are not separated, we are able to directly communicate, we are able to share really complex state of beingness with sound but our mind is in the way, the actual matrix what we live within as our thoughts, memories, definitions, feelings, emotions, reactions, desires, fears, images, pictures, ideas of sounds and all of those things are like den of snakes sliding within our mind and body all the time as ENERGETIC packages containing INFORMATION but separated and symbolized of the actual sound expression filtered through our personality, vocabulary and starting point of participation within physical reality.

So that was loong-loong ago and since while walking Desteni Process I was able to notice sometimes that I have this feeling of 'I hear' the pain, the tiredness, the uncertainty, the mischievousness, the abuse, the fear in humans words, even when they feel great and within their words actually sounding they always expose themselves and it is always me who is the congestion in the equation as actual manifested limitation and separation within the currently manifested Equality and Oneness.

So recently I noticed I am more and more able to observe and watch, hear and notice things I've never did before.

I walk through corridors I've never observed and I have no thoughts, no future projection, no past mastication(fascinating word!) but actually I allow the senses directly reach me and I see how tremendous information I can sense directly.

I have a mate who is kind of fascinating in terms of how his mind and beingness works and he is able to realize things what most people can not but he always limits himself with the sentence: "The reality is too intense, it is too much, I have to blunt, deaden myself because it is too much, so I smoke, I drink, basically I get high.". This was quite time ago but I get what he told: with the mind it is enormous quantity of data - that's why the personality of mind of human likes to categorize, to abstract, to filter, to re-and re-define and conclude and define and pre-program.

Because then it is not too intense. I am in tense when I am reacting with energy, not being physical substance - for a moment look at this as kind of natural, awesome secret knowledge what is now being shared here: if you are directly the substance, the body, no mind - you are connected - not speaking about acid and consciousness, love and energy and light - that is still before the substance, it is part of the 'maya' - the delusion, the trap, what many fall into, no, I speak here about BEYOND CONSCIOUSNESS, consider that - remain undefined for minutes, days, weeks, no conscious mind, no subconscious mind, no unconscious mind, no instinct, no inherent nature, no reptilian brain, no biology, no hormones, no thing in this world can direct me, but I am in the system but not of the system - that I speak about, that I see as possible by transcending mind and consciousness. So.

I travel with subway every workday and there are literally thousands of people. Really close, I mean when I am empty, sometimes it is freaking close, like 5 centimeters there is a face, a woman chest or five.

And I am empty, I am here and I am observing the textures on the surfaces, actually it is like switching from VHS to UltraHD, all of a sudden I see all of the tiny parts of the things - as the little, as the big scale, as equal as one. And actually I am fascinated (alright there are occasions when woman's faces are more focused but still - not as woman but as physical substance! And then I look at anyone and it is the same..)

And that if I try to define, to categorize, to understand, to make sense with who I am: it will not work, it is too much. So I let it go, day by day. And when I am screwed within, like really tired, thoughts flow and worry come - I am like Superman with Kryptonit - just like a tiny wheel within the whole machine, unaware, reacting, wounded with the mind and lost within and as consciousness systems.

I have to let go, I am letting go, I am releasing all definitions, reactions, I am empty, I am open and I am able to see what comes up within - for the fat dude, for the thin lady, for the little dog and for the huge suitcase.
Strange act but I have experience in it so to speak as I used to visit trance parties wherein in high density there are a lot of people, thousands on the dance floor and everyone wants to be at the right spot - and I was using mind-blowing stuffs and with that I had this inner emptiness, but actually it was not empty but all of my beingness, with the mind, the body, the experience, the senses, the information all were liquified and flowing through my perception and by that it was like a big mercury-blog flowing around, and it was very strange and I had details as I focused but in fact, myself who I am today here was also within this whole mercury and I was not directive, not reactive, but the mixture of it - and I was not able to maintain consistency as it was effect induced by the stuff, the substance and it had peak and it had fatigue and I was changing by that and that 'I' experience was not consistent and I mean for that as 'stability'.

So here I am, after some years walking Self-forgiveness, and I see that I am able to step through my personality, definitely I am empty yet here, directive and I see my little desires are of fear and as some mate said yesterday: 'truth makes you free' - and when I am absolutely Self-honest, I see what is my truth, that this part of me is a layer of consciousness which I use for equate myself as original incompleteness coming from my acceptance and allowance from what I have learned through the SOUND RESONANCE of parents, school, media etc.
So then walking Principle as Life as What is best for All then I can naturally align as myself because I do not have 'personal agenda' - of course I still require money, shelter, some fun time, yet I do not lose perspective about what is really relevant, in terms of being aware of that this what I already HAVE - many-many do not have and then I see naturally that I am not really separated from those who lack the basic requirement for living, for surviving!

Then it is not a choice, not a decision, not a philanthropic step to actually consider what would be the solution working not for me but for all.

And when I am more and more empty and silent within the more I embrace and allow others into me, as me - with no separation, no definition and then I stabilize this, I remain consistent as I sort out the reactions coming up by embracing my direct HERE-ness, presence, and EXPANDING AWARENESS breath by breath.

So within this process I see that there is no letting go, giving up myself as actually this self-awareness I currently have is an illusion, a religion of self for what I keep giving sacrifice as ENERGY of mind which feeds off from the PHYSICAL body of myself, of others, who work like slaves for low prices for the ones who have MONEY to buy what they want by desire and inflated, smartly engineered and implanted by the system of establishment of fear which has been manifested as law, government, media, which is literally the external mirror of our inner self as EQUAL AS ONE within Oneness and Equality, therefore all rebel and revolution and resistance is literally Self-destruction.

Therefore to actually understand the world system, I understand myself and I stop what I realize within Self-honesty as Truth as myself as not being really myself and then I embrace what is here, I embrace what I really am, what is literally what is here in and as the flesh, as self is flesh and what we actually do and accept and allow is the only relevant reality.

Therefore to SOUND words what is aligned with who I really am, and actually do and write and say and act the same: I am the Living Word, and I re-align myself with those words what I can live like this, within discipline, principle, real compassion as this Self-honesty is the compass I am on as the PRESENCE always, constantly, I am here.

And therefore the sound of others can come into me as me and I experience it and I embrace it as myself and there is no separation.

I remember Bernard asking on group chat that "Are you able to write to your blog and in the same time live that in physical?"
That is practical and relevant.
So I am re-aligning my blogging to this: writing about what I can immediately change, align and live from that moment and obviously there will be frictions and issues but that I also re-align and I walk and embrace and direct everything what is here within the consideration of What is Best for all.
Without this consideration, I realized - there is no balancing out point and I go into mindfuck sooner or later because that is the basic principle: I am as all as equal as one - and with this consideration - I walk not only myself but AS Universe, as Existence as equal as one without feeling being small or growing big in my ego: I am simply here as Life.

If you are ready and able to transcend mind and consciousness, get assistance, there are beings who walk this since a while and are HERE to assist and support with Self-realization as one can not trust in and as self in the beginning as it is infused and imbued, infected and infested with and as the mind, energy, consciousness.
Desteni I Process course has been set up for effectively support those who are able to walk through the mind and I guarantee that it will challenge anyone who is not direct physical substance with no mind.

[JTL 43] I have to move

I have to move.

I've decided to move along - to rent an other place - smaller, cheaper. However I did not find the new place yet. Tomorrow maybe will be one available - but not yet sure. I gave myself a week only to pack up and cleanup and move. That probably means that I have to really focus and do it in all my spare time. But where to that is fascinating that I am not yet sure.
I barely have the money required to pay the new one and I want a cool place yet as cheap as possible - that is one uncertainty.

Also at workplace there are more and more signs what I react with another point that I want to leave. Yet not fully decided. There is a perception within me that I have to decide and from that I have to move with full energy until it's done. This means I am still waiting for something. That is the second uncertainty.

Another point came up today that my left pointer(direction) finger started to hurt like hell since some days - about a month ago I've had a double accident at doing football with workmates when my ankle sprained and my left pointer finger was almost broke with an unplanned and unhealty deflection - strained back up quite much but in that time my ankle had much-much more attention as I was barely able to walk for some weeks. So today I went to an X-ray and it seems to be not broken yet it at moments the pain just enormous while using it. So got my attention.

Let this three points to write about today.

First point - move: I've left only a week for myself to find a place, make the contract, pay for it and pack and move my stuff, clean this place out and move along.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not finding a place with my current budget instead of realizing that I can assist and support myself to remain focused within the constant consideration of my financial status.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder about how I am fed up on things instead of considering to use common sense to see what currently I can do and actually do it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the energetic temptation of hope that everything will be alright and as I want without even being aware exactly what I want.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have a discomfort for moving along and changing without resistance and uncertainty and remain undefined.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the temptation of entertainment while it is obvious that I have many things to do as I've planned to do so anyways.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this is a default tactic and strategy what I am doing with myself in terms of pressuring myself to the last moment and then when there is no escape and everything seems to fall apart and the deadline is on my shoulder and it is almost literally impossible to do what I want - and by that pressure actually energizing myself to start doing what I must do.

This looks important how could I miss this point since I am - I remember now that I've wrote about this kind of thing before - but it was not this clear.

At university we did this, party until the last moment and then within the pressure doing what we could and many times it was enough and some times it was too late but judging the ratio of success/failure - it was worthy because we could party and entertain the longest time possible.

So that's why I am postponing planning and doing this move because I need the pressure to have the energy from my reaction to it to perform exceptionally.

And within this I've reached the second point - miraculously each point as equal as one is me - "The basic principle is within and as everything what is here as ourselves within Equality and Oneness". But this sentence - until is not in practical action within common sense as the movement of Self-honesty - it is just knowledge and information and as that - pretty useless.

That's why it is imperative the consistent writing as gift to ourselves each day when possible to realize what is here and how to stop the programs as ourselves to explore what means to be really alive without limitation.

So - at work there was a girl who left recently, she was a QA engineer who told at the 'good bye speech' - before the clapping and cake-eating and good bye party that she does not want to stay at a position wherein it is irrelevant that she performs good or not - gets the money and that's all - so she was left. Since then I am realizing that I need pressure to perform efficiently.

And interestingly enough since some weeks I do not have partner in my 'private life'.
There is no pressure on me from outside and it seems like I've always striven for that - with my last partner(for some years) her I had quite some pressure on myself - the temptation to just look another woman was high, especially when we did not have sex regularly - now that's gone - strange need but it's obvious what is it's starting point within me.
So back to pressure from outside - I've accepted the pressure from outside and my ability to adopt to these I've defined as my value.
-but at work there is no huge challenge from bosses - yet I am becoming exhausted within the airless office to do relevant things after office hours
-within partnership - to remain calm with my partner when reacting to her speaking stuff what I could not define not as bullshit is gone - I always had serious issues when she prostrated and prayed and ritualized her mind to buddhas and spoke about love and family and religion as cool stuff and having taboos to speak about and I was suppressing anger towards myself for choosing this kind of girl in the hope that this will change but did not seem and I've judged myself as responsible when experienced her suffer and become nervous and could not walk through the shit and I've also became nervous and from that she was really-really freaked out and then I was screwed and wanted to be alone for a while - so now that's also gone, I am like zen master again in terms of no stress on this seemed to be a huge relief - I am aware of that I've stopped facing an aspect of myself but this was ridiculously insane so no worry.

The biggest challenge at my job currently is to work in the environment what I judge as unhealthy as there is no air and it's hot in the office and that two makes really difficult to use my brain effectively programming business logic for website-making websites and aparently there is nothing what they could do to solve this effectively - but today I've came to the realization that I should consider to switch workplace - however it is convenient to work there - sometimes it is hard and intense but mostly it is cozy - compared to work in a coal mine or at other multinational corporations as abused code-slave - and the money is okay - not very much but not tight either.

At linkedin.com I get offers from headhunters every week multiplied - what I rarely answer to - however I should.

What are the reasons I do not answer:
I had experiences with little Hungarian companies who could not pay properly and I need the money in each month within mathematical precision - and my current employer can do that since 5 years I am working for them within constancy.
I might have to work much more - what would mean being more time in the office and becoming more tired at nights what I've defined as 'my time' - when I can do my desteni process slice and my hobby slice(music, video,film, entertainment).

What are the reasons I should answer and switch job:
-more salary
-more responsibility, more life-people-skills to learn
-more technical skills to learn
-chance to go work abroad - that is much more money and much more challenge
-I always enjoy to learn and perfect more skills and at my work I am quite good within one-two specialized areas but the scene is more broad
-My dream-goal would be to have a part-time/full time media-related job like producing something media what I enjoy: documentary, animation, film, video clip - and it's even possible that I can re-locate within the current company towards that anyways

There was a plan that I relocate to London wherein I have a friend who can assist to find my place and meanwhile stay at his - however he became unsure as well about being there is cool and myself as well while I had my partner here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself effectively within consideration of physical and financial resources unconditionally within common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move only when there is a pressure from outside as forces what I am bound to stand up to otherwise pain and suffering I experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to move effectively within self-expression only when I see that there is an immediate pressure and inconvenience within what I am being sucked into and occupied by entirely.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can not really see more far than my troubles are manifested around me currently because beyond my troubles I can do my entertainment therefore I never really dared to see beyond.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my needs and desires within myself by constantly being occupied with entertainment within feelings what I want to experience and only moving when inconvenience, pain and suffering I experience and only until when I can stop that to continue my interest of doing my entertainment what is never defined directly as entertainment however when seeing it within common sense it actually is.

Today I even had some sort of shame - for being lost for so long years and doing nothing relevant and real - and that was also when a doubt came about leaving my partner with relation to my intense left pointing finger pain since a month.

But today even I had the thought, that I'd rather let my finger rot down instead of continue that relationship as without it I am 100 times less stressful - or at least it has not only one 'long, curly haired beauty' surface in my life.

That was an interesting thinking pattern also.

As I had an other thinking thread that if she so much made me nervous - what in fact meant that I've made myself nervous about points projected to her within myself - so then why I did not forgive those points instead of leaving her?


I mostly always offered her that I am open for REAL agreement, but she wanted only one agreement term: 'let be in peace and kind and do stuff what we think that is good for the other' and for me it was not specific and practical enough, especially after years of this is not working and never lived together and regardless of all madness we manifested and then she concluded that I do not love her, that's why I am mad at her and can't accept her as she is and then I said alright so then and that's all.

So I'd rather not rebound: this is clear.

With regards to the pain for my finger - it is direction - not structural direction but self-expression-direction - if (t)here is any.

I can not really close my left hand into fist now - but doctor said I should push that and practice within hot water - however for me in this moment seems like nonsense as what comes up first is to make it rest and not use it anyway - but he told me specifically that against that I must move into the pain slowly and by that it might heal.

So then my direction will be towards points what I've defined and in fact already manifested as inconvenient and even painful - as consequences - but if that is required - my direction should not be stopped even with some pain either.

As my personality has formed mostly by avoiding painful/bad/negative  physical/real and mind:imagined:emotional experiences - and moving towards pleasured/good/positive physical/body experiences and mind:imagined:feelings - to stop it is inevitable.

The most imminent reaction towards these what I've wrote is the fear from failure - what if I'm wrong - what if I make mistake and what if I will be judged?

After all these things what I want to do is go out the city and just do things what I am sure makes me more relaxed and focus to body how it functions and amalgamate - go to nature, play music, cook food, sleep outside, dance at party and let everything go and let the stress beyond - without fear of being judged as irresponsible and selfish - however I am already quite sure that I will not stick to this as 'partyboy' and just remain within the honey-trap of entertainment and self-interest - but somehow within pushing myself and not giving rest and letting things go since quite some time - I've accumulated this reasoning for go out and have fun - just enjoy myself without anything serious - the world will wait for me - and then I think that the abuse and immense shit in global scale just compounds while I am going to music festival or wild-camping in the forest does not seem right - however I must consider myself as some more decades-long expression process so then I can get along with just having fun for some days.

And with my hi-tech gadgets - even in the farest forest-swamp I can do blog or vlog even daily so then I am sure there will be plenty of time for self-correction anyways.
So that's it for today. I will continue with Self-forgiveness to see where I deceive myself within these words and why and to forgive that too and continuing with Self-correction.




If you did not yet consider checking out Desteni I Process LITE free course with seasoned buddies who assist and support you by walking the first steps within Self-honesty and Self-forgiveness - you can REGISTER HERE - for me(and many others) it is a REAL value, life-changing principles with no bullshit, no romantic sentimentalism but directly facing Self and Reality within common sense.

Walk 7 years Journey to Life and here you can find reasons why:
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/
http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/