[JTL 45] Investigating my days rant

Principled living

I have an idea of what kind of principled living I want to live.
I have the thought as 'I am getting there' - so this is a problem. Let's rant it out here.

What is there from which I am here yet not as principled living yet creating a self-projection?

If I could choose - and within the consideration of I still have to work as currently no one gives money to me without that - I'd choose to work about 6 hours a day.

I'd choose to schedule my time in order to make sure I am using my time effectively - yet remaining stable, consistent and within seeing myself and my needs in terms of current state within self-honesty - I'd schedule time for 'free time' - wherein I am able to do unplanned or even planned activities what is not 'principled'.

That is the first point I note - have a backdoor within what I am not required to be principled - wherein I can let the steam off.

See, after doing some research within Desteni material - it is clear that human is a programmed system - it is complicated - yet it makes sense - if one can use a particularly uncommon yet always referred as: common sense.

For me after realizing points within me - meaning writing it out within specificity - I always see that it is simple already - but to get to the point of seeing the point within me - as me - within simplicity - it takes effort and time.

Actually when I come to home - and come into my room - there are possibilities - beyond I can even comprehend - about what I can do in regards to just with my machines - musical instruments, video equipments, hi-tech gadgets surrounded by THE computer - and when I sit down - where is cabled internet - with all the installed tools and softwares what I've defined as cool and required - there are possibilities way beyond I can measure how many - about what I can do.

Tonight it is the same - when I sit down - what I will do? Am I clear before sitting down?
Actually I was quite sure that I will write about principled living.
But at times I am not sure - I just sit here - I have plans - tons of plans - many unfinished 'todo'-lists are stretched into a physically stored virtual system - wherein at points I've defined what I want to do.

I could listen, play, make music or I could watch, edit or record videos just as I could play the latest games or just 'browse' the net about fascinating/cool/nice/strange/disturbing/ugly/terrible things and reacting to that also 'kills time' - however mostly I am dealing with the fact that I have very limited 'time' for sitting here - as mostly every weekday I sit in the office working for money to be able to rent a place for be able to pay some extra hours to actually have this possibility for apparently deciding about what I will do with my time.

Mostly I use the computer for writing(Journey to Life blog/Agreement Course), socializing with people about sharing and liking each others posts about each others preferences(for me is is also Destonian stuff, for instance EQAFE), watching movies, listening to music, making videos, editing and effecting videos, playing music, recording music and editing music - and then sharing some but not much, as not all I define as 'finished' - or 'good enough' - even with writing I do that - some I do not share - considering when writing about somebody who I am sure would not be really cool about it - or I do not see the Self-direction or Self-support - except when i deliberately want to expose my Self-dishonesty - to make a journey what then I walk through within Principle of considering what would be the best for me and for all regarding to that.

So if I could be able to define my life - I'd make sure that I have the time for everything what I want - then I'd realize there is no such time - I have limited time - so I have to prioritize.
For instance going out and having fun with mates I've defined as not priority - yet I want it - for instance tonight I went through to mates and just made food and they shared their trip experiences and had fun.

Mostly this I define as unworthy(regarding to prioritizing, but these are 'close friends') - but at times I allow this to myself - about once-twice weekly - however I do not like when it takes the whole night - because after work what I've defined as really worthy is when I can sit at my computer, because that represents all the possibilities - from which I like to be defined as able to choose.

There are preferences and some priority - for instance the write daily is one of the most important part - yet at times I still do not write for instance when I go out with people and then it takes more time than expected/planned or wanted - and then I am too tired or I have to consider to sleep at least 5-6 hours before going to work because otherwise I will be exhausted, even possibly weak, sick and making mistakes and not really aware.

When I had partner - this was the most prominent point from which I was able to manifest conflict within me - not being clear on how much time I want and actually spend on things regarding to being with partner versus sitting in my room with my computer/tools. Total separation, polarity: conflict.

Another(similar) point is when I am invited to go out and then I do and then I plan it to be as short as possible(yet still within the consideration that if I do so - I should enjoy it anyway) - and when it is not that short what I 'thought' to be - then I also manifest conflict - most notably when I am kind of persuaded into social events meanwhile within myself the first thing comes up is that my priority is writing the course assignment this week(and every week) and there are only two nights when I can do that and currently for writing a point properly within self-honesty it is required at least two nights - if not doing it the whole night, what is rare - so then if I prioritize going out - it is obvious that my assignment might not be there where I plan it to be - therefore with that I've made conflict within me as well because I do not like 'it'.

Especially when some sort of experience pulls me in - a latest game came out and the the single player story is so intriguing, that I want to play it through, to see the story and the game to unfold, I just do it with no consideration to my priorities for instance.
And then I experience a conflict within me - so then by that I push the playing more and more - wanting to finish as soon as possible to 'continue' my 'priorities' - that is a fascinating pattern to observe - as myself - and wanting to 'solve' the conflict by playing more and more to finish it ASAP - meanwhile in fact just doing it all the time - within a some sort of hope that after this I will be able to continue with my 'real' priorities - meanwhile the 'priority' is overwritten by myself to 'finish the game'. That is fascinating as well.

I've noticed this quite some time ago however writing it down actually makes it - as who and how I've manifested myself to be' - constantly visible for myself - and within sharing it - for others as well. That is very cool.

Transparency - as Bernard explains the trust - can not be gifted by belief or hope - must be earned within practical, measurable(by time) application which is quite obvious within the consistent writing.

So as Gurdjieff explained - man is a machine - a complicated yet understandable - automated system what is responsible for it's actions regardless of it is aware of it - or not.

But to TAKE this responsibility - to be aware of it and to use it effectively - is something what can not be given.

And the last point is here: when I am writing and then I realize I am really tired and sleepy - just like at this moment - and then I am almost falling asleep - and then looking after ways to make myself more fresh - drinking water, eating something(preferably sweet) - what is not really cool before going to sleep - walk some or making a tea  - but as this time it is because I am after a long day, awaken quite early - it is reasonable to be extremely sleepy - however the need and want and a drive to use my time effectively without being able to judge myself as 'not prioritizing good enough' and creating conflict within me and 'want to have more time to express myself' must be prioritized with the body's consideration to not become exhausted or tired as the next day in the office comes for instance this time within 7 hours.

And then the thought what can come up is that 'I will wake up early and doing my writing then' - what then ends up my morning being quite busy so then I can not make time to continue 'my priority to progress' in the morning and then after all I will have conflict within me by not doing preferably/as expected what I've defined as priority.

Alright for tonight, this is it.

[JTL 43] I have to move

I have to move.

I've decided to move along - to rent an other place - smaller, cheaper. However I did not find the new place yet. Tomorrow maybe will be one available - but not yet sure. I gave myself a week only to pack up and cleanup and move. That probably means that I have to really focus and do it in all my spare time. But where to that is fascinating that I am not yet sure.
I barely have the money required to pay the new one and I want a cool place yet as cheap as possible - that is one uncertainty.

Also at workplace there are more and more signs what I react with another point that I want to leave. Yet not fully decided. There is a perception within me that I have to decide and from that I have to move with full energy until it's done. This means I am still waiting for something. That is the second uncertainty.

Another point came up today that my left pointer(direction) finger started to hurt like hell since some days - about a month ago I've had a double accident at doing football with workmates when my ankle sprained and my left pointer finger was almost broke with an unplanned and unhealty deflection - strained back up quite much but in that time my ankle had much-much more attention as I was barely able to walk for some weeks. So today I went to an X-ray and it seems to be not broken yet it at moments the pain just enormous while using it. So got my attention.

Let this three points to write about today.

First point - move: I've left only a week for myself to find a place, make the contract, pay for it and pack and move my stuff, clean this place out and move along.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not finding a place with my current budget instead of realizing that I can assist and support myself to remain focused within the constant consideration of my financial status.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder about how I am fed up on things instead of considering to use common sense to see what currently I can do and actually do it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the energetic temptation of hope that everything will be alright and as I want without even being aware exactly what I want.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have a discomfort for moving along and changing without resistance and uncertainty and remain undefined.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the temptation of entertainment while it is obvious that I have many things to do as I've planned to do so anyways.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this is a default tactic and strategy what I am doing with myself in terms of pressuring myself to the last moment and then when there is no escape and everything seems to fall apart and the deadline is on my shoulder and it is almost literally impossible to do what I want - and by that pressure actually energizing myself to start doing what I must do.

This looks important how could I miss this point since I am - I remember now that I've wrote about this kind of thing before - but it was not this clear.

At university we did this, party until the last moment and then within the pressure doing what we could and many times it was enough and some times it was too late but judging the ratio of success/failure - it was worthy because we could party and entertain the longest time possible.

So that's why I am postponing planning and doing this move because I need the pressure to have the energy from my reaction to it to perform exceptionally.

And within this I've reached the second point - miraculously each point as equal as one is me - "The basic principle is within and as everything what is here as ourselves within Equality and Oneness". But this sentence - until is not in practical action within common sense as the movement of Self-honesty - it is just knowledge and information and as that - pretty useless.

That's why it is imperative the consistent writing as gift to ourselves each day when possible to realize what is here and how to stop the programs as ourselves to explore what means to be really alive without limitation.

So - at work there was a girl who left recently, she was a QA engineer who told at the 'good bye speech' - before the clapping and cake-eating and good bye party that she does not want to stay at a position wherein it is irrelevant that she performs good or not - gets the money and that's all - so she was left. Since then I am realizing that I need pressure to perform efficiently.

And interestingly enough since some weeks I do not have partner in my 'private life'.
There is no pressure on me from outside and it seems like I've always striven for that - with my last partner(for some years) her I had quite some pressure on myself - the temptation to just look another woman was high, especially when we did not have sex regularly - now that's gone - strange need but it's obvious what is it's starting point within me.
So back to pressure from outside - I've accepted the pressure from outside and my ability to adopt to these I've defined as my value.
-but at work there is no huge challenge from bosses - yet I am becoming exhausted within the airless office to do relevant things after office hours
-within partnership - to remain calm with my partner when reacting to her speaking stuff what I could not define not as bullshit is gone - I always had serious issues when she prostrated and prayed and ritualized her mind to buddhas and spoke about love and family and religion as cool stuff and having taboos to speak about and I was suppressing anger towards myself for choosing this kind of girl in the hope that this will change but did not seem and I've judged myself as responsible when experienced her suffer and become nervous and could not walk through the shit and I've also became nervous and from that she was really-really freaked out and then I was screwed and wanted to be alone for a while - so now that's also gone, I am like zen master again in terms of no stress on this seemed to be a huge relief - I am aware of that I've stopped facing an aspect of myself but this was ridiculously insane so no worry.

The biggest challenge at my job currently is to work in the environment what I judge as unhealthy as there is no air and it's hot in the office and that two makes really difficult to use my brain effectively programming business logic for website-making websites and aparently there is nothing what they could do to solve this effectively - but today I've came to the realization that I should consider to switch workplace - however it is convenient to work there - sometimes it is hard and intense but mostly it is cozy - compared to work in a coal mine or at other multinational corporations as abused code-slave - and the money is okay - not very much but not tight either.

At linkedin.com I get offers from headhunters every week multiplied - what I rarely answer to - however I should.

What are the reasons I do not answer:
I had experiences with little Hungarian companies who could not pay properly and I need the money in each month within mathematical precision - and my current employer can do that since 5 years I am working for them within constancy.
I might have to work much more - what would mean being more time in the office and becoming more tired at nights what I've defined as 'my time' - when I can do my desteni process slice and my hobby slice(music, video,film, entertainment).

What are the reasons I should answer and switch job:
-more salary
-more responsibility, more life-people-skills to learn
-more technical skills to learn
-chance to go work abroad - that is much more money and much more challenge
-I always enjoy to learn and perfect more skills and at my work I am quite good within one-two specialized areas but the scene is more broad
-My dream-goal would be to have a part-time/full time media-related job like producing something media what I enjoy: documentary, animation, film, video clip - and it's even possible that I can re-locate within the current company towards that anyways

There was a plan that I relocate to London wherein I have a friend who can assist to find my place and meanwhile stay at his - however he became unsure as well about being there is cool and myself as well while I had my partner here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself effectively within consideration of physical and financial resources unconditionally within common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move only when there is a pressure from outside as forces what I am bound to stand up to otherwise pain and suffering I experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to move effectively within self-expression only when I see that there is an immediate pressure and inconvenience within what I am being sucked into and occupied by entirely.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can not really see more far than my troubles are manifested around me currently because beyond my troubles I can do my entertainment therefore I never really dared to see beyond.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my needs and desires within myself by constantly being occupied with entertainment within feelings what I want to experience and only moving when inconvenience, pain and suffering I experience and only until when I can stop that to continue my interest of doing my entertainment what is never defined directly as entertainment however when seeing it within common sense it actually is.

Today I even had some sort of shame - for being lost for so long years and doing nothing relevant and real - and that was also when a doubt came about leaving my partner with relation to my intense left pointing finger pain since a month.

But today even I had the thought, that I'd rather let my finger rot down instead of continue that relationship as without it I am 100 times less stressful - or at least it has not only one 'long, curly haired beauty' surface in my life.

That was an interesting thinking pattern also.

As I had an other thinking thread that if she so much made me nervous - what in fact meant that I've made myself nervous about points projected to her within myself - so then why I did not forgive those points instead of leaving her?


I mostly always offered her that I am open for REAL agreement, but she wanted only one agreement term: 'let be in peace and kind and do stuff what we think that is good for the other' and for me it was not specific and practical enough, especially after years of this is not working and never lived together and regardless of all madness we manifested and then she concluded that I do not love her, that's why I am mad at her and can't accept her as she is and then I said alright so then and that's all.

So I'd rather not rebound: this is clear.

With regards to the pain for my finger - it is direction - not structural direction but self-expression-direction - if (t)here is any.

I can not really close my left hand into fist now - but doctor said I should push that and practice within hot water - however for me in this moment seems like nonsense as what comes up first is to make it rest and not use it anyway - but he told me specifically that against that I must move into the pain slowly and by that it might heal.

So then my direction will be towards points what I've defined and in fact already manifested as inconvenient and even painful - as consequences - but if that is required - my direction should not be stopped even with some pain either.

As my personality has formed mostly by avoiding painful/bad/negative  physical/real and mind:imagined:emotional experiences - and moving towards pleasured/good/positive physical/body experiences and mind:imagined:feelings - to stop it is inevitable.

The most imminent reaction towards these what I've wrote is the fear from failure - what if I'm wrong - what if I make mistake and what if I will be judged?

After all these things what I want to do is go out the city and just do things what I am sure makes me more relaxed and focus to body how it functions and amalgamate - go to nature, play music, cook food, sleep outside, dance at party and let everything go and let the stress beyond - without fear of being judged as irresponsible and selfish - however I am already quite sure that I will not stick to this as 'partyboy' and just remain within the honey-trap of entertainment and self-interest - but somehow within pushing myself and not giving rest and letting things go since quite some time - I've accumulated this reasoning for go out and have fun - just enjoy myself without anything serious - the world will wait for me - and then I think that the abuse and immense shit in global scale just compounds while I am going to music festival or wild-camping in the forest does not seem right - however I must consider myself as some more decades-long expression process so then I can get along with just having fun for some days.

And with my hi-tech gadgets - even in the farest forest-swamp I can do blog or vlog even daily so then I am sure there will be plenty of time for self-correction anyways.
So that's it for today. I will continue with Self-forgiveness to see where I deceive myself within these words and why and to forgive that too and continuing with Self-correction.




If you did not yet consider checking out Desteni I Process LITE free course with seasoned buddies who assist and support you by walking the first steps within Self-honesty and Self-forgiveness - you can REGISTER HERE - for me(and many others) it is a REAL value, life-changing principles with no bullshit, no romantic sentimentalism but directly facing Self and Reality within common sense.

Walk 7 years Journey to Life and here you can find reasons why:
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/
http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

[JTL 34] Self-forgiveness: Facing what is difficult and why?

Continuing on decomposing Self-accepted definitions and automatism about the word: DIFFICULT.

• Context: [JTL 32] Self-forgiveness: stopping resonant fear from difficulty

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within fearing from difficulty, even when not really seeing it within conscious mind but for instance manifesting it as personality for instance not directly facing specific things or people just because defining that or them as 'uncomfortable' or 'not really wanting to do so' or wanting to find solutions other way around - or apparently 'forgetting it' when it would matter to do so - in fact I fear from difficulty - and I suppress it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from difficulty regarding to money questions, issues, businesses because defining it as uncomfortable, avoidable, not really my style, below my interest or 'having too less chance' and not realizing that I manifested this personality not directly fearing from the things what required in order to stabilize my financial status but the definitions I've allow within myself to come up automatically regarding to the word difficulty, to the circumstances regarding to difficulty, for instance about money, women and directly expressing myself as I want but judging it as too raw for others so then holding myself back and not really saying, doing so what and how I want in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within holding myself back in fact I am manifesting limitations with what facing I am experiencing frustration and within that compounding emotions what I suppress and then compounding, mostly anger towards myself transformed into a some formed of suppressed depression within what I do not act, move and direct myself immediately when I experience the need to do so within myself because of the self-accepted programming of self-definitions automatically make me behave in the way what with I can face the less difficulty and uncomfortably and wanting to equate it with pleasant and apparently self-defined as 'good' feelings.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to ever realize that by generating good feelings I actually actively do support my own negative feelings by energizing the whole mind within my human physical body and within the mind all the wired habits and automatic energetic movements fuel and boost all parts of my mind equally what I do not see because the the occupation of pursuit of good feelings.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I disregard my human physical body here - then I am giving away the only possible solution for myself to stop all delusions here because within physical stability it is only possible and without physical flesh body - I am not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prioritize experiences beyond my human physical body here and all what is already here.

I forgive myself that I have never ever allowed myself to realize why I am literally bound to feel good and make myself to manifest situations wherein I MUST feel good but within the starting point of energy, of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within always working with energy and juggling with all the positive and negative energy I have manifested myself as completely missing the life force within and as myself who I really am here as the flesh as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that until I do not forgive and let go practically all self-definitions regarding to what I've defined as feeling good - I am literally bound to and as the polarities of energetic mind as who I've programmed myself to be to suppress life from the physical as consciousness system what will not last when the body dies - only consequences of disregarding all life here.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that all thoughts within represent a self-dishonesty within myself but I've been taught and formed by society and then others in a way what promotes suppression, thinking and the mind to dominate real physical body here - and anyone says that I should accept thoughts is clearly lost in oblivion and can not be taken seriously at all until proven to be standing here within and as the physical.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the temptation of believing of others that thinking is alright and thinking is directly myself - because within giving into something what apparently all other does - feels good but in fact I start to suppress a some sort of anger towards myself because of the self-acceptance of insanity within by myself I am busy manifesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define difficulty as uncomfortable and unpleasant because within my past I've defined it as so within not realizing that because I've defined myself as unable to change, unable to solve, unable to comprehend, unable to embrace and unable to direct the subject of that specific 'difficulty' without investigating it and myself within common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define certain specific things within my life as normal, easy, eased, simple, natural - with what I do not face difficulty - only as challenging, fascination, motivation - and 'having' certain aspects and areas within my life what I've defined as difficult, uncomfortable, frustrating, avoidable.

I am going to continue with the investigation of the challenging/difficult polarities defined within me towards these aspects and areas of my life.


For perspective:

[JTL 24] Intensified Entertainment as Enlightenment: evolutional mind interest part 1

How can you prove that you are not pre-programmed if you can not change yourself by self-honest decision?

I am continuing on my previous post by decomposing my relationship with the word: entertainment

• [JTL 23] Life-awareness taken granted is not possible
• Can Human nature change?
• Resistance to change
• Entertainment points
• Day 345: The Internet is the Global Mind (Part Four)

My family I've defined as always on surviving versus entertainment.
Entertainment seemed to be like what one wants to do and enjoys it.
Entertaining meaning taking a break from hard work, from serious fight within the system to get what we want.
Entertainment seemed to be something what is worth fighting for.
Entertainment was so valuable that most of the family members when they wanted to do their entertainment, they did not like when someone asked to do something what seemed like work and not entertainment.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as resting and rewarding from surviving.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as taking break from hard work from serious fight within the system what I want and then when I already have what I've got, then the result is entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as something what is worth fighting for.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how I've seen within family that when being occupied with entertainment, it is not pleasant 'feeling' when being asked to stop it for doing something.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define not liking and frustrating when I have decided to go on entertainment and then being asked for do something for someone or because of something what is more obvious that is more important I have to stop my entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within entertainment I am occupied with what I've defined as good and disregard everything and everyone else what is not entailing within the current entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a LOT of things as entertainment and then when those happen, then defining it as good and when it could just almost happen and then I almost expect it and then it does not happen then that defining as bad because I was expecting energetic experiences of within entertainment what I do not experience so then I experience disappointment what I've defined as bad.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within any self-definition I am limited to that information who I perceive myself to be and within that definition within the duality system I am part of a closed system within what there are rules what I can not change only with another duality-based system except when letting all go and not define and do not react to definitions but breath directly here within physical expression.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within entertainment I've defined myself a center point within doing so and in that moment I am re-living, re-defining, re-charging within and as myself as energy according to my definitions, relationships, connections, associations, memories, reactions  about that specific word.

For instance the words are:
-computer; games
-movies
-taking an adventure(travel/hiking/walkabout)
-going out to party for pubs/caffeteria/dance hall/gather around fire/flat party/cooking party/haircut party/alcohol party/drug taking party
-art painting/workshop/visiting gallery/cinema/theatre/shows
-sport for instance football, running, ping-pong/martial arts/yoga/meditation(sitting doing empty vase effect)
-technician workshop for instance airplane modelling/morse workshop/construction workshop/computer workshop/programming workshop/photo workshop/filming workshop

Alright so then one can get what I MEAN entertainment.

However the twist came around when I've started to define myself according to these activities, for instance for a while with these I've participated within - and most of them I've written specifically as the center of the activity, for instance with alcohol I've did many of these - but then the center was not drinking alcohol, but it was just an effect on the specific self-defined entertainment activity for instance party or vandalism or dancing etc.
But there were times when the main goal was to absorb as much alcohol as we could (@ university; hell yeah) - and then we did not do anything else in particular, we just went to the shop, I took 2-3 bottle of wines, I drunk it and then after a while I went to sleep so then from here looking back the 'backbone' of the activity was 'drinking alcohol'. So.

Entertainment was twisted within and as me because as I've started to define myself according to doing these activities and while doing so, defining myself as 'this is who I am, this is what I want, this is what I experience' - and then by that I've became it - the words I've got, the deeds I've did, clear.

But not really I've defined these as entertainment - more likely - 'this is who I am and in this moment this is what I do because this I've defined as I wanted to do so or I just did and then I've reacted to with consciously feeling as 'positive'.

So then entertainment was linked with positive feelings, moods, reactions mostly because apparently it was by a decision made by me when I had the chance to apparently decide and then I've moved towards these so within that movement I judged myself that 'okay, so then that is me, because that I chose, that I like, that is me then' - Or if not so, then the positive/negative ratio was still positive and by that I've defined as 'my precious'.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as specific words and then doing regarding those specific words - it was automatically linked with entertainment - because within 'fighting the system' and 'surviving for money and things what are required' I could not do such things while I could link my activities towards those words what I've defined as entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define spending time with computer, computer games, movies, adventure, hiking, traveling, walkabout, party, caffeteria, pub, dance hall, fireplace, flat party, cooking, haircut with friends, drinking, alcohol, drug, art, workshop, gallery, cinema, theatre, shows, sport, running, ping-pong, martial arts, yoga, meditation, technical skills, morse, modelling, construction, computer tech, programming, photoing, filming as entertainment and when defining or associating or thinking or hearing these words I react with the relationship within and as myself towards and as entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to entertainment and becoming frustrated when I have no opportunity to do entertainment within and as self-definition regardless of physical reality.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I perceive myself doing and then defining myself so and then referring myself by those definitions and then associating towards the memory of such activity only with those specific definitions as words and not realizing that within self-definition I am self-limitation, self-automatization, self-suppression, self-dishonesty.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive and become addicted towards always wanting to boxing my activities towards labels, definitions within, specifically limiting my expression towards such specific words for instance watching movie is entertainment - regardless of what kind of movie or what is the reason or what is my physical experience.

And this might seem like I am crazy and I fear from entertainment and there is no such thing, but when I am losing life-awareness as all as equal as one as here within entertainment because of automatic association and reactions and energetic bounding within - for instance wanting to play computer game every week for hours or wanting to have sex with my partner every day just because that seems good for me meanwhile not really considering that if I define myself according to that - I become these words physically and then when not doing so then I might experience lack and devotion towards as formed a habit and not direct absolute presence awareness what simply accumulates within the simple math of 1+1=2 and then that compounds and then that energy might take over and THEN I am unable to consider what is best for all - even what is really best for me as well - so that's why I simply equalizing my relationship - purifying my inner sanctum - with the word entertainment - to not be obsessed yet not judge it as bad or good and not even fear from fully experiencing it without the concern that I might lose 'perspective within' - so that's why I write all out within and put everything in front of me and then seeing the words what I contain and then I see my mind and then what is not absolutely self-honest, for instance even doing hugging and flirting with a woman who is not my partner meanwhile I have an agreement in the moment 'in reality' that we do sexual flirt only with each other simply because we agreed on that and we live the words what we speak -- and in the moment the entertainment dimension within and as me simply intensifies and within the excitement I go into that expression with an other and then I face the fact that I am not doing what I speak and that is already a self-compromise, self-disempowerment, because next time I say something, I might fact the possibility, that then that words I will not again express because the more I say different than I doing - the more I realize it is no matter what I say, what I state, what I agree on with words, and then I am untrustworthy, not only for my partner, but for myself and then that might cause conflict within as well. Sentenced to dare to share ;)

I have done accepting and allowing such impulses to do hug and flirt with women because I wanted so meanwhile I've judged that is not good for my partner and for myself as well - yet I've accepted those and did not stop - or at times came back - and I am sure I can change and I can stop such reactions within without fearing I am becoming empty and dark because the more I stop within the more I directly experience that is obvious within and without as well. So Self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-commitments are assisting and supporting me to be aware in the moment to make a difference, so I enjoy expressing myself doing so.

So for me for instance flirting with women who I do not want to be partner with - even when it is clear that we just flirt - if I agreed with my partner that we do not do such things - then I shall not, regardless of any excitement.

So that's why I walk through the word entertainment because for me enter taint-I meant to be within occupations what are not always - or even never - is what is best for all if that pre-programs conflict within myself and my partner into the future, so it is unnecessary.

So That explanation was some sort of clear for me but writing it out - it is here and anyone can read it and I have stabilized myself within writing it out and that not means eternity but for a moment as a structured, stable, consistent self-support to be able to always consider all participants within my reality within the interest of what is best for each. And that is very possible, even if it takes years, I'd rather do it than judging it before try.

Because within writing I pour out the bucket of words what I react to and what I consist of as description of my reality within duality from self-definition to undefined direct self-expression.

And duality I mean for instance there is me and there is a subject and there is the act of subjecting by words for instance seeing crying somebody and then I react with the word sadness - however I am sure not all crying is sad.
Because this mind of defining and defining and defining ad-dick-tion is really the act of self-separation within perception and then by that the automatic physical manifestation is really limiting.

All the explanations are in the words for why I write self-forgiveness - because this is the most practical way for oneself to face what has been accepting and allowing since the beginning and this tool is the constant self-reflection that I want to change and then am I really changing or only saying so or by forces outside of me towards self-interest or avoid conflict only for instance or dare to consider the best outcome and change currently, already manifested self according to that.

So continuing on decomposing entertainment:

Throughout the years I've refined entertainment more and more, and evolved within the sake of intensity and specificity.
The most intense experiences for a long while were about facing women, simply looking into eyes of women - that always seemed very exciting and in fact petrifying(of the fears what are irrelevant here but facing enormous fears always seemed intense for a reason - that's another topic;) but there I had no self-direction so for a while I avoided that until alcohol came around me at the university.
And then I was able to interact with women and I was able to experience the word party and in the 'central european style': drink, fight, curse...

Then the literally blood-fighting alcoholic raves for wild music with lot's of delirium the inner animal as rage against the machine of self came to surface and for a while I was specifically working on getting drunk that much that I could to have an experience the 'film-break' within my mind - when I had the continuous memory of the night and then from one moment for a while I did not remember.
Then I've deliberately reached the mind-state of that I did not know what happened, I did not remember what I did, what I didn't, nothing. So then with alcohol that was interesting entertainment - not remembering myself - that seemed somehow relaxing - for a while I did not experience myself literally. This could be also an other topic as within White-Light experiences with acid I've had similar but from another starting point.
But with alcohol it was always obvious that is self-destruction as multiple family members has been proven that to me quite literally, especially my father who went nuts and died utterly in a drunk accident.
Also I was quite neurotic and consumed that much alcohol that I had stomach problem and for a while I've experienced hell in terms of my physical body was so screwed up than doctors told me that I have to take stomach-acid-calming pills until the end of my life what pissed me up so much so then I wanted to change, really change. In that time within my relationship still I was not directive, supportive, caring, but reactive, I could not really be myself and my partner was really unstable as well and then we just did split.
And THAT was my greatest world-burning, everything-changing, everlasting enormous really intense one billion celsius degree hot 'love' - what was just gone and that was quite a disappointment - because for years I've put everything on that - not into real practical physical love within equality, but within my mind - that was really something what I wanted and then I've got it and then I've (we) screwed it up and we had to let go each other.
So after that I've been sucked into the self-vacuum of psychedelic/spiritual scene wherein I've fulfilled my mind-domain-exploration and the physical(also sex) was disregarded for a while. There was a guy around who told us that 'you are druggers, for druggers there is no need for woman' - because then I was constantly stoned and tripping...

With LSD and MDMA and SALVIA within various and specifically planned or randomly shocking mind-blowing experiences I've had a grasp of a definition of intensity in terms of the possible frequency domain of experiencing the extremes of the mind.
So then that changed my definition of entertainment and intensity for sure.

Somehow what can be seen as entertainment - each one can define it differently, for instance for me computer games is entertainment, for somebody else is work and job and money.
And also computer programming seemed to be quite an entertainment and then I've defined myself according to that and then this I do all day for get my coins for buy my dreams true literally and it is quite far from still being able to find this 'entertaining' by being a corporate cog within a system what do not cares about all life equally but mostly about the revenue.
So then I've redefined entertainment in a way that seemed legit by not really saying that what I do is 'entertainment' - but it was a 'journey for self, for a path for attainment for finding and fullfilling myself' - and for instance the delusion of 'enlightenment' was the most jolly-joker excuse for anything I've done - because anytime I've faced any doubt that what I actually do is just 'entertaniment' - then I've told to myself that 'this is also requires for the realization of who I am and who I am not' - regardless of going to night club or stealing stuff from a shop or smuggling refined Nepali pollen- I've successfully persuaded myself with the idea of that this is all part of my enlightenment and nothing to be judged, in the moment I or others would judge it, I was automatically ready with the reaction and excuse and justification answer of that 'this is my path'.
And then entertainment was literally tainted with self-interest without even the need for realizing it, even within the apparently most unsignificant details, for practical instance:
-playing assassins creed 1 game was about 'realizing conspiracies' and unrevaling mystical knowledges and connecting crumbs of informations within this system about the real reality - when in fact it was just a roof-jumping simplistic sword-game
-taking acid weekly for my self-realization because within the experience I had moments within vivid, calm, apparently clear inner experiences, regardless of the fact that for days I did not do anything except walking around in a time-remapped mirror-frenzy while being unable to take the smallest responsibilities by saying -'sorry I am tripping now, I am unable to consider the physical, but this is The most important thing one can do'.

some word play:

enlightenment /entertainment/ain't 'n ment /enter train I ment to be pre-programmed

In light I ment = enter train I 'ment to be as psy cyclogical con sequenceof self-in-dearest

So then I've simply persuaded myself with the things I was occupied with were in fact the part of my journey to enlightenment, self-realization and those are really specific and special so then I was able to enjoy those without too much doubt and no reason or conscious justification was required simply I was taking what I seemed to be needed and that is fascinating and the feeling of the energy of enlightenment was some sort of authority for just do whatever I wanted because I was 99.99% persuaded within myself that this is the best scenario and this is what is best for me and therefore helps me to reach the enlightenment and then that must be best for all as well.
And that was done with the catalysts of spiritual methods and drugs - intensified energetic self-made-up hyperspace of entertainment - but when faced real transcendence points for real, physical, direct change for stopping something what was obviously self-dishonesty: all proven to be fucking useless from time to time by facing real physical irreversible shitty consequences of self-deluded participation until the veil was dropped for real.
So the refugee within anything but self here within absolute self-honesty as all as equal as physical life is always a fuckup and manifesting irreversible consequences within and as the only stable and constant and consistent dimension what we all equally share: the physical.

And that is responsibility.

So I am almost ready to start re-defining entertainment within responsibility for all what is here equally. But first self-forgiveness on those perceptions is required to let go the self-compressed symbolism of self-interest and letting go the hypnotic trance of fear what is hidden behind all the pre-programmed personalities behind entertainment/enlightenment and survival/fighting.

Journey to Life is literally a Journey to Life - word by word, breath by breath. Changing perspective from self-interest to All Life-interest. Can you?
 Participate and enjoy to explore a starting point what is beyond any con.