[JTL 43] I have to move

I have to move.

I've decided to move along - to rent an other place - smaller, cheaper. However I did not find the new place yet. Tomorrow maybe will be one available - but not yet sure. I gave myself a week only to pack up and cleanup and move. That probably means that I have to really focus and do it in all my spare time. But where to that is fascinating that I am not yet sure.
I barely have the money required to pay the new one and I want a cool place yet as cheap as possible - that is one uncertainty.

Also at workplace there are more and more signs what I react with another point that I want to leave. Yet not fully decided. There is a perception within me that I have to decide and from that I have to move with full energy until it's done. This means I am still waiting for something. That is the second uncertainty.

Another point came up today that my left pointer(direction) finger started to hurt like hell since some days - about a month ago I've had a double accident at doing football with workmates when my ankle sprained and my left pointer finger was almost broke with an unplanned and unhealty deflection - strained back up quite much but in that time my ankle had much-much more attention as I was barely able to walk for some weeks. So today I went to an X-ray and it seems to be not broken yet it at moments the pain just enormous while using it. So got my attention.

Let this three points to write about today.

First point - move: I've left only a week for myself to find a place, make the contract, pay for it and pack and move my stuff, clean this place out and move along.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not finding a place with my current budget instead of realizing that I can assist and support myself to remain focused within the constant consideration of my financial status.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder about how I am fed up on things instead of considering to use common sense to see what currently I can do and actually do it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the energetic temptation of hope that everything will be alright and as I want without even being aware exactly what I want.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have a discomfort for moving along and changing without resistance and uncertainty and remain undefined.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the temptation of entertainment while it is obvious that I have many things to do as I've planned to do so anyways.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this is a default tactic and strategy what I am doing with myself in terms of pressuring myself to the last moment and then when there is no escape and everything seems to fall apart and the deadline is on my shoulder and it is almost literally impossible to do what I want - and by that pressure actually energizing myself to start doing what I must do.

This looks important how could I miss this point since I am - I remember now that I've wrote about this kind of thing before - but it was not this clear.

At university we did this, party until the last moment and then within the pressure doing what we could and many times it was enough and some times it was too late but judging the ratio of success/failure - it was worthy because we could party and entertain the longest time possible.

So that's why I am postponing planning and doing this move because I need the pressure to have the energy from my reaction to it to perform exceptionally.

And within this I've reached the second point - miraculously each point as equal as one is me - "The basic principle is within and as everything what is here as ourselves within Equality and Oneness". But this sentence - until is not in practical action within common sense as the movement of Self-honesty - it is just knowledge and information and as that - pretty useless.

That's why it is imperative the consistent writing as gift to ourselves each day when possible to realize what is here and how to stop the programs as ourselves to explore what means to be really alive without limitation.

So - at work there was a girl who left recently, she was a QA engineer who told at the 'good bye speech' - before the clapping and cake-eating and good bye party that she does not want to stay at a position wherein it is irrelevant that she performs good or not - gets the money and that's all - so she was left. Since then I am realizing that I need pressure to perform efficiently.

And interestingly enough since some weeks I do not have partner in my 'private life'.
There is no pressure on me from outside and it seems like I've always striven for that - with my last partner(for some years) her I had quite some pressure on myself - the temptation to just look another woman was high, especially when we did not have sex regularly - now that's gone - strange need but it's obvious what is it's starting point within me.
So back to pressure from outside - I've accepted the pressure from outside and my ability to adopt to these I've defined as my value.
-but at work there is no huge challenge from bosses - yet I am becoming exhausted within the airless office to do relevant things after office hours
-within partnership - to remain calm with my partner when reacting to her speaking stuff what I could not define not as bullshit is gone - I always had serious issues when she prostrated and prayed and ritualized her mind to buddhas and spoke about love and family and religion as cool stuff and having taboos to speak about and I was suppressing anger towards myself for choosing this kind of girl in the hope that this will change but did not seem and I've judged myself as responsible when experienced her suffer and become nervous and could not walk through the shit and I've also became nervous and from that she was really-really freaked out and then I was screwed and wanted to be alone for a while - so now that's also gone, I am like zen master again in terms of no stress on this seemed to be a huge relief - I am aware of that I've stopped facing an aspect of myself but this was ridiculously insane so no worry.

The biggest challenge at my job currently is to work in the environment what I judge as unhealthy as there is no air and it's hot in the office and that two makes really difficult to use my brain effectively programming business logic for website-making websites and aparently there is nothing what they could do to solve this effectively - but today I've came to the realization that I should consider to switch workplace - however it is convenient to work there - sometimes it is hard and intense but mostly it is cozy - compared to work in a coal mine or at other multinational corporations as abused code-slave - and the money is okay - not very much but not tight either.

At linkedin.com I get offers from headhunters every week multiplied - what I rarely answer to - however I should.

What are the reasons I do not answer:
I had experiences with little Hungarian companies who could not pay properly and I need the money in each month within mathematical precision - and my current employer can do that since 5 years I am working for them within constancy.
I might have to work much more - what would mean being more time in the office and becoming more tired at nights what I've defined as 'my time' - when I can do my desteni process slice and my hobby slice(music, video,film, entertainment).

What are the reasons I should answer and switch job:
-more salary
-more responsibility, more life-people-skills to learn
-more technical skills to learn
-chance to go work abroad - that is much more money and much more challenge
-I always enjoy to learn and perfect more skills and at my work I am quite good within one-two specialized areas but the scene is more broad
-My dream-goal would be to have a part-time/full time media-related job like producing something media what I enjoy: documentary, animation, film, video clip - and it's even possible that I can re-locate within the current company towards that anyways

There was a plan that I relocate to London wherein I have a friend who can assist to find my place and meanwhile stay at his - however he became unsure as well about being there is cool and myself as well while I had my partner here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself effectively within consideration of physical and financial resources unconditionally within common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move only when there is a pressure from outside as forces what I am bound to stand up to otherwise pain and suffering I experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to move effectively within self-expression only when I see that there is an immediate pressure and inconvenience within what I am being sucked into and occupied by entirely.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can not really see more far than my troubles are manifested around me currently because beyond my troubles I can do my entertainment therefore I never really dared to see beyond.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my needs and desires within myself by constantly being occupied with entertainment within feelings what I want to experience and only moving when inconvenience, pain and suffering I experience and only until when I can stop that to continue my interest of doing my entertainment what is never defined directly as entertainment however when seeing it within common sense it actually is.

Today I even had some sort of shame - for being lost for so long years and doing nothing relevant and real - and that was also when a doubt came about leaving my partner with relation to my intense left pointing finger pain since a month.

But today even I had the thought, that I'd rather let my finger rot down instead of continue that relationship as without it I am 100 times less stressful - or at least it has not only one 'long, curly haired beauty' surface in my life.

That was an interesting thinking pattern also.

As I had an other thinking thread that if she so much made me nervous - what in fact meant that I've made myself nervous about points projected to her within myself - so then why I did not forgive those points instead of leaving her?


I mostly always offered her that I am open for REAL agreement, but she wanted only one agreement term: 'let be in peace and kind and do stuff what we think that is good for the other' and for me it was not specific and practical enough, especially after years of this is not working and never lived together and regardless of all madness we manifested and then she concluded that I do not love her, that's why I am mad at her and can't accept her as she is and then I said alright so then and that's all.

So I'd rather not rebound: this is clear.

With regards to the pain for my finger - it is direction - not structural direction but self-expression-direction - if (t)here is any.

I can not really close my left hand into fist now - but doctor said I should push that and practice within hot water - however for me in this moment seems like nonsense as what comes up first is to make it rest and not use it anyway - but he told me specifically that against that I must move into the pain slowly and by that it might heal.

So then my direction will be towards points what I've defined and in fact already manifested as inconvenient and even painful - as consequences - but if that is required - my direction should not be stopped even with some pain either.

As my personality has formed mostly by avoiding painful/bad/negative  physical/real and mind:imagined:emotional experiences - and moving towards pleasured/good/positive physical/body experiences and mind:imagined:feelings - to stop it is inevitable.

The most imminent reaction towards these what I've wrote is the fear from failure - what if I'm wrong - what if I make mistake and what if I will be judged?

After all these things what I want to do is go out the city and just do things what I am sure makes me more relaxed and focus to body how it functions and amalgamate - go to nature, play music, cook food, sleep outside, dance at party and let everything go and let the stress beyond - without fear of being judged as irresponsible and selfish - however I am already quite sure that I will not stick to this as 'partyboy' and just remain within the honey-trap of entertainment and self-interest - but somehow within pushing myself and not giving rest and letting things go since quite some time - I've accumulated this reasoning for go out and have fun - just enjoy myself without anything serious - the world will wait for me - and then I think that the abuse and immense shit in global scale just compounds while I am going to music festival or wild-camping in the forest does not seem right - however I must consider myself as some more decades-long expression process so then I can get along with just having fun for some days.

And with my hi-tech gadgets - even in the farest forest-swamp I can do blog or vlog even daily so then I am sure there will be plenty of time for self-correction anyways.
So that's it for today. I will continue with Self-forgiveness to see where I deceive myself within these words and why and to forgive that too and continuing with Self-correction.




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Self forgiveness: partner, father, time etc

Within our agreement I've noticed some points coming to surface when we do not agree by default.
I am responsible for some patterns within my behavior what is like as I saw my father did with my mother when they argued when I was kid. This I must explore more, it's like I have a sense on this about my father did the same yet I can not put directly into words here.

Currently my life is about to face several points at the same time what I must embrace and change to express oneness and equality with and as myself as my reality and point by point, one by one.

The points I enlist here what about I allow inner reactions to experience, starting the ones within the agreement with my partner, Suszti.

-Sometimes I behave like I am nervous, frustrated, energetically charged, wheeled up, I am reacting, I am not here, I tend to be defensive and separated. After a while I do calm down, but at these occasions I do calm down when I see my partner becoming nervous already or she just swallows it and then it's already too late because she reacted or suppressed. It's like an unconscious game what we sometimes allow to be played out and if we do not stop, it will direct us to the point of we find each other rather unbearable than 'normal'. We agreed on never arguing again, we agreed on not bringing shit up - yet sometimes it still happens. We did not agree on things to the outmost specificity.

-Sometimes I allow myself to define that I require time to be spent alone otherwise I am getting nervous again, fear of losing who I've defined myself to be. We already pushed this point, within one flat|room we must be able to do our things regardless of the other's presence. I guess it's about the secret, what I do without wanting her to know it or it's about how I define myself to be alone and within her presence - and of course: why.

-Sometimes I allow sexual desires to be compounded(it's like a default strategy to react with energy or to occupy myself when I do not like or I do not want to face reality - then sexual energy 'lifting' I start to want) and at occasions it is like wanting to burst now, regardless of reality, I just want sex and at these moments I am really tempted. When we do sex at least twice a week, it is not prominent, but if this does not happen, after some days, I find myself being influenced by sexual context within situations wherein I would not do so by my decision, it's like I do see a specific shaped or clothed or faced woman and I allow inner reaction(because at this moment I am not present, breath, directive), for instance for a moment I wonder about 'wow that ass looks gorgeous, mmmm' - and after this, I do stop, or even I do look to the opposite direction, and as like a little child, I do explain to myself that I currently have a partner, I do not want to anything happen with other girl than my partner, if I want sex, I should approach her, as she also wants this and enjoys it with me anyway, so if she is not here at this moment, I should breath and wait or act with this until we can do so, that's it.


Okay, Self Forgiveness:


Partner:
I forgive myself that I have not considered my partner as Equal and One with and as me in all ways.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do separate myself from my agreement partner with any inner reaction and I continuously allow this - I am responsible for the physical consequences of separation - instead of stopping defining her as separated from me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I accept and allow inner reactions to come up within me regarding to my agreement partner - I am responsible for the perceived separation from her.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that any separation I might experience - is because of I have allowed myself to define myself separated from her in any way whatsoever instead of forgiving myself for the currently allowed inner reaction specifically.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am reacting to my partner's expression inside - I am not here, I am not real, I am of delusions, I am of self-dishonesty, instead of taking self-responsibility and stop reacting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my agreement as too intense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as automatic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself automatic regarding to my agreement and acting with my partner, Suszti.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as I do need to rest from facing myself and her within our agreement, instead of realizing that within this rest in fact I want to rest from who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as somebody who have to be alone regularly in order to 'pull myself together' as who I defined myself to be as 'alone' instead of realizing that if I define myself according to flags such as 'alone' or 'with my partner' or 'with other ones' then I am limiting myself into and as these definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not wanting to face myself (at occasions, when I define it as too much) as my manifested agreement as herself and myself together as one as equal and then wanting to occupy myself with activities where I am alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my agreement and to be with my partner as too much instead of realizing that what I am facing is in fact myself and I must take self-responsibility in and as the moment as act as breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that at occasions I do manipulate my partner in order to get what I want instead of directly expressing what I want to her because I allow fear to come up within me about 'she might react' or 'she might not want to do so' or 'she might not want to allow this for me' and to balance this upcoming self-allowed fear, I use words specifically to make her act as I want to, what is self-deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'fucked up' at occasions after we do argue for a while and then I feel like I am fucked because I am disappointed, because I feel like I fucked up because I reacted instead of taking self-responsibility within the moment and act and express Self-Forgiveness within the moment and express Self-Corrective Application as stopping to participate within self definition of 'I'm fucked up'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I define myself as 'fucked up', I am responsible for what I experience as I am in fact continuously allowing to 'remain' 'fucked up' instead of immediately apply self-forgiveness as the point, as the self-dishonesty, as myself as breath as physical expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'feel' that I am getting tired when I do not get what I want because then I can not define that 'everything as I wanted' and then I do not experience this 'energetic state' of 'greatness' - instead of realizing that this is of self-deception wherein I do escape into occupations to not needing to face what I have allowed to manifest as myself as existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I want to smoke when I can not come along with my partner Suszti, because within the past, I often smoked when I felt like I require to 'relax', instead of directing myself as breath as Self-forgiveness and let go any temptations to pace my mind and accumulate self-direction by step by step of stopping.

About father:
I forgive myself that I've defined myself as I am the continuation of my father.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my father as myself with no difference.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from becoming like my father was, because my mother had enormous fear about this and she told me so many times that she is very afraid that I might become like my father was - instead of realizing that I am not like father.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my father as somebody who is always with me instead of realizing that only my definitions and memories and inner reactions about him is here if I allow to react insider for external influences with thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react inside when others say to me that I am alcoholic because I NEVER drink alcohol since years, not even a sip; instead of realizing that this was my decision to not abuse myself anymore and not strengthen the mind with alcohol in any way whatsoever and if others has issues or pre-programmed definitions about alcohol is great, then I simply realize that this is their issues, I am done with this and I am consistent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike and sometimes hate alcohol because the people around me sometimes act very robotic when they drink alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ban alcohol sometimes but in fact I do not act according to this 'want' - it is just a some sort of 'hope' about the people around me might stop consuming alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my movements, behavior and expressions as the same as my father had, instead of realizing that I am me, myself and I can change and in fact I am changing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to argue with my partner just like as I saw my father did with my mother when I was little.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to blame my father because he did not want to face himself and he could not take self-responsibility for himself and for his family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from people judging me being similar to my father because then if they perceive me as similar, then I might be similar than him and I've defined this as 'fearful'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'fearful' to be similar than my father because I might end up as he did, died drunk in a pit, what I've defined as very shitty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define as 'shitty death' when somebody falls drunk into a pit near the road full of water and drowning into it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to balance my definition of 'shitty death of my father' with 'such a cool way to leave this fucking world' because my first definition was of his end as 'shameful', about what I can not really be pride.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be pride to my father and to my mother regardless of anything..
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my father made a sport of blaming and procrastination and I learn this pattern from him subconsciously.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what self-dishonesties I am currently responsible to express regarding to my father's personality pattern.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the 'sins of my father' I got by default within my mother's womb through blood and DNA and that is still influencing me what I can be aware of by writing out and applying self forgiveness specifically to each point and each point's starting point by becoming one and equal as the self-dishonesty point and STOP and breathe.

Several points facing at a time in general:
I forgive myself that I've defined myself as somebody who can only face one point at a time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as I am frustrated when I am facing multiple points at a time wherein I must stop participate within self-dishonesties.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am defining myself according to situations wherein I find myself in, instead of realizing that who I really am is not of momentary situations, but how I express as moment physically is who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I can not focus to multiple points at a time and then within all I will fear - instead of realizing that who I am is not of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from focusing to multiple points at a time because of fearing that I might fail with all points.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a man, who can only focus to one point at a time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define women as they are to be able to focus to multiple points at the same time.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that even when I am facing to a single point at a time, I still allow fear to come up about what if an other point will come up and then I will not be able to focus to both points because I've defined myself as somebody who can only focus to one point at a time.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when multiple points emerge and I am loosing my stable feet 'on the ground' as presence, then I can in fact stop participate within all points except the one what is really bugging me in the moment and focus only to that one as myself and realize the self-dishonesty within it and stop participate and breath and forgive it unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to focus to only one point at a time while not realizing that it is not about the number of the points, it is about who I am within and as the moment when facing myself as these points wherein I experience inner reactions, self-dishonesties and this is my self-responsibility to stop participate in one breath.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear from falling from facing multiple points instead of realizing that in fact I can not fall, only I can face and learn something new about who I have allowed myself to become physically and what I must stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous to people who apparently are able to handle multiple points while they remain constant and stable, instead of realizing that I also can remain constant and stable.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am not constant and I am unstable when I define myself according to external influences by my pre-defined personality matrix, what I must learn and stop and unlearn and let go moment by moment within constancy and consistency.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the pattern within I allow self-dishonesty within myself according to facing points within me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I focus to one point to face/solve/equalize/let go/release/remove within me - then I am defining myself according to this pre-definition of 'focusing to one point' - instead of really and simply focusing to the point without defining and in fact limiting myself as only being this 'focusing to one point'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that 'I am using too much times as 'in fact' and wanting to define myself as 'I want to use 'in fact' less' because fearing from others might define me as somebody who 'uses 'in fact' too many times'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I define myself according to how I perceive others 'defining me' instead of realizing that it is of self-delusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will forget who I am if I do not define myself and the situations wherein I find myself in and as.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am here and I am the directive principle of my life.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I allow fear of change.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I fear from chaning.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not changing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'I am changing very slowly'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from 'changing too slowly' because of still holding to self definition of a progress about in that tempo I should change instead of realizing that it is distraction from HERE wherein I in fact I am physically without any inner reaction, without any self-definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nervous because allowing fear within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated because epxeriencing that I allow fear within me instead of bringing the fear point HERE as myself as one as equal and realizing what I must let go of and I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear and I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be frustrated to allow fear instead of simply let go of fear and frustration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energetically charging myself with continuous participation within inner reaction.
I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to wheel up insider by continuous participation of thoughts, feelings and emotions what is directing my physical life until I STOP.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my reactions with my partner within the starting point of fear she might get hurt by her reaction of her definition-systems of my expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing inner reactions here beacuse I might loose time what I've defined as 'never enough'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from time is 'never enough' instead of realizing that the perception of time is of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having enough time for what I've defined as very important while still wanting to participate within activites what I've defined as not very important instead of deciding it within the moment and trusting myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am suppressing my reactions towards my partner - it will compound and it will eventually strike out and then I will not be able to direct within the starting point of self-realization.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being exposed of what I am still accepting and allowing as self-dishonesty instead of letting all go and stop and change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my partner to dump my nervousness and frustration to her because she is here and she is accepting me and my reality instead of realizing that what I am doing to myself in fact I am doing to myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider my partner as an other self as me and using her as an object because simply in the moment I can do so.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when I am communicating within nervousness and frustration to my partner.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop within one breath when I realize that I am nervous and I am expressing towards my partner within the starting point of nervousness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to recognise nervousness within me and defining it as 'I am wheeling, rolling' and defining it as cool, energetic, strong.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am frustrated, I do not consider myself and others as here as one as equal therefore I am of and as separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not discuss every and each point within my life shared with my agreement partner to the outmost specificity and agree totally and write it down, saying it and acting it as one as equal as the Living Word.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when my partner does not agree with me in a point, then I do not need automatically react inside as frustrated, rejected, fearful.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to bear that somebody is not agreeing with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from the act of somebody might not agree with me and then I might not get what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not getting what I want because then what I've defined as myself as who I am of what I want will not manifest, who I defined myself to be will not be able to manifest, so I might be not even real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being real is fearful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not express self forgiveness unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my fears.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being directed by my partner because I do not trust in her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust within the direction of my partner because I've defined her as I can not trust in her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to trust in my partner but fearing from doing so because I might get disappointed from not getting what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my wants.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my trusts towards others.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do want to trust in others because I do not allow myself to trust in myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can trust myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to trust in my partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from my partner does not trust in me.

Sexuality:


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow sexual desires to exist within me instead of realizing that the desire comes through suppression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound sexual desires within me by participating within thoughts, emotions, feelings about sex.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when I do suppress sexual desire in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am responsible for experiencing desire as a manifestation and consequence of perceived separation through participation within thoughts, feelings, emotions about what I want to experience.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I fear to experience that's why I desire - or I fear from releasing the want to experience because then I'd fear from who I define myself to be is not real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define specific women on the street as desirable because of the picture presentation I've programmed into me as desirable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after women as sex objects.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am participating within desire after experience and while participating within desire - I can not experience anything else than desire, the separation from the subject of my self-defined, self-compounded desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder about specific women body shape types as 'gorgeous', just because I've defined that geometric shape as 'gorgeous' automatically and giving the permission to my mind to automatically react inside as 'wow this is goergous' - instead of realizing that in fact I am only reacting to my own definitions what's subject can be literally anything based on my personality program what I must STOP.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to fight my self-accepted desire towards women by looking into the opposite direction within the fear that if I might look, I might react what I am aware of as self-dishonesty what I want to stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that if I do look into the opposite direction of a picture presentation of a woman who I already defined as 'gorgeous' - that I might not experience desire - instead of realizing that I can simply stop reacting by breathing through, by realizing when and how and why I started to define that particular experience as 'desirable' and forgiving it expressing my action as change as practical STOP.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to grab a very curly, white tight-pants-ed woman's ass because I've defined it as very attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to becoming angry to women in the underway who wear de'collete' where I can see big parts of their tits because I am reacting towards them with desire what I do not want to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself powerless against facing women who I've defined attactive because I've defined myself as somebody who automatically 'gets' desire to sex - instead of realizing that I can stop participate, I can just be here without any inner movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that I do have a partner who I agreed with to have sex exceptionally and only with her - so it is not required to automatically react towards other women in any way whatsoever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to situations instead of me myself being who I am regardless of external influences especially about women and sexuality and temptation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as somebody who likes women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as somebody who can not hold up until the right moment to act.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not acting within the right moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from acting within the wrong moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from acting.

Summing up Why I experience immediate urge sometimes to end being with my partner and why I still am with her

Ranting about current situation with my partner.


With my partner there are some issues what we face regularly.
I might mention points what I already wrote about - but as these are still here as my reality - I write about these again.

I face the point that I am planning to leave the country. I've decided to be with S, who is my partner since months. The original plan was to leave until June 30.
At this moment it is more practical to stay - but this 'planned end' of our 'agreement' to stand together and explore what would mean to be together within self-honesty - will be postponed.

However I experienced this urge to end it regardless of my stay. Why?

I wanted simply to restart - I made mistakes - and not all of them I corrected within physical living - and sometimes I experience a need for 'pullback', to walk alone again and restart my process so to speak from blank - as there were acceptances by me what compromised my self-honest walk since the beginning from our relationship.

Specifically there were some points what I simply did say that I do embrace - but within moments I exposed my dishonesty as physically I did not - and at moments when I judged our relationship - I wanted to quit - regardless of our agreement on we stand by each other until I stay in this city.

Mostly when I mentioned to her to end it in 'harmony' at June 30, as I've prepared myself to do so, as the original 'plan' was - she ended up reacting emotionally and disagreeing with me extensively and making me decide to end it immediately or end it until I'm here.
That point we faced about 4-5 times intensely and we ended up staying together - however there are still some reactions within me what makes me wonder, why still I become unsure within my already made decision.

Three points I can see within me what would impulse me into want to 'end' our agreement...well it's in fact four.

one
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-an other particular woman who I meet regularly and sometimes I experience temptation however I already considered to approach to start a relationship what we could transform into an agreement - but as she explained her starting point and her desires - I can not give what she seeks - family, love and those things and I never would want such things. Yet we meet and she is alone and attractive - and at one point I experienced self-compromise by 'defining that she would not start with a man who is in an other relationship' - and by that I was waving for a moment - because the trust I did put into her - the directive principle, the 'decision' - instead of myself, here being the directive principle simply unambiguously stating that I am already with somebody and that's more than enogh. Recently I am doing this - yet sometimes I still experience direct playouts from my unconscious what I notice when I am already doing physically, for instance touching her hand.

two
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-I still experience urges sometimes to engage into sex with my partner - and sometimes it is more than 'gently asking to do so' and I am being moved by self-accepted sexual desire - somehow it's like I stopped most of conscious mind-plays about women and sex, I stopped to watch sexual media, and then there is only one way I allow to go sexually: my partner - so I sometimes am being directed by this point, at least only with my partner - however I would stop sexual activities for a moment, to see, understand, write, forgive and stop the inner reactions according to sex - for instance 21 days of no sex. But that is strongly denied by my partner at the moment, as she told me that within a 'partnership' it is required to do sex.
In other way - it's great, because I experience sex - I do not desire after sex - so the dishonesties about sex(definitions, reactions) might stop if we continue it only on physical level, but at the moment I am still a man of extremes - do it with full power or not do it at all, so I am sometimes doing ping-pong 'between the two edges' of this polarity.

three
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-my partner is participating with great velocity within tibetian buddhist medhodology, what is obviously self-deception from it's starting point - however when we came together - I've decided to embrace that point and stand and not being influenced and reacted by that at all - yet at occasions I still storm about that - and her starting point is that the basic practices she started(about years to do so), she wants to finish it as she defines it very assisting - regardless of my absolute unweavering expression of it's 'bullshitness' - and about that point - we, as it looks like - never can come in a full unison. However she is interested in self forgiveness - and we did openly speaking self forgiveness about our currently experienced dishonesties - to open up and share shit and express the will for wanting and actually living for changing. But she would never share her insights within a blog or vlog - or using her birth name related with such things. Or for instance she wants her very curly hair grow until her hip regardless of my pushing to cut off - because she wants to see how it would be that long - and she has a 4 years old kid and she fears that if she would diviate from 'looking or acting normal' she would be kicked off from her job and then she would face extreme difficulties to support her kiddo. So she never wants to undertake her inner process(especially self-dishonesties) to be shared on the internet with anybody. And sometimes I see as she exposes her point of view regarding to Equal Money System as an 'ego-play' puppet-game directed by Bernard - and she obviously does not want to realize the responsibility within our participation within the current abuse within the current money system and how practically we could prepare ourselves to direct the situation to manifest something what is best for all. And these are serious points within this and I sometimes 'feel like'(lol) I compromosed way too much by these only one by one as individual points and I want to correct it in a moment like a snatch even if it would mean a crispy end of our attempt to form a one and equal agreement being walked physically. I remember, because of seeing this clearly - once even I wondered exactly as the following: 'Am I this stupid?'

four
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-sometimes I judge my process, I judge my location and I judge my 'progress' instead of acting within consistency - and in those moments my 'good old methods' try to come out by my inner participation: step out from the current location and try to do a 'fresh new start' alone for instance simply go to a new country and from it's beginning, being very determined about what and who and how I allow to be within my reality. This is a point what I am pushing since 3 years I placed myself into a constancy by staying at the same workplace, but I still experience different facets of my expressions regarding to 'I am at workplace with the people who I am with while I earn money' and the 'private life of myself'.
In the beginning I've decided not to promote desteni at my workplace because I experienced I that might could not handle that without participating within mind-energy, and the importance to financially stabilize myself I preferred, so that's the situation.
Well, the contract by I work - in fact protects me by the word 'diversity' - as no one can start any issue regarding to political or religious or or sexual preference any view what is not directly related to the job unless it is not harming the collegaues or the efficiency of the job. So sometimes, I experience the need to expose it and see how they process my point of view - and by my judgments - I made myself to be sure that many of those would perceive me as a some sort of 'nazi' because of my principle of no middle ground within the process by the following: Do you stand as all as one as equal within oneness and equality and give up personality manifestations of the mind entirelly or not.

So by these four points, I still accept myself to be unsure and by that I am compromising even the possibility to form a REAL agreement - and if I am self honestly looking these points - and if I could do anything what I could do(physically at this moment I prefer not to) - I would move to London to the guy who I already lived for a while before and then by 'walking alone' again, finding a new job and changing my living-conditions to be able to do more Process-related activities, such as internet-activities through social networking, blogging, vlogging, sharing my insights, studies, learnings, point of views from where I came from etc...

But at this moment I already placed myself into a situation where I am responsible for supporting my mother financially and I've decided to be able to afford desteniiprocess/SRA course without any brake.

Again - four points I wrote, and within the next blog post I will write self forgiveness sentences according to where I am aware of self-dishonesty within this writing.

And why I am still with her? At the beginning(about 8 months ago), I did assessed the situation and I came out with that I can handle this and I can remain myself without losing myself with her. Many points we can discuss, and many times she notes to me that I am flying away - not always, but still at points I programmed myself into automatic self-dishonesty(for instance how I 'handle' 'another' women as sometimes playing out something like appears physically as I am initiating with them, and I am not even directly aware of this)

It is obvious that we are being faced extensively - and sometimes in fact I am bitchy for instance by these points - and when she says that this is way too unpleasant for her - I remind her that this should be a self-honest agreement, not a pink romantic continous two-sided self-deluded high - then she replies that regardless to anything we could do so by enjoying it and ourselves without any 'frozen moments'.
So then I comes out with this: I always did quit when I faced conflicts - and still - and never I stood by something as principle, and by oneness and equality - never - and if I decided to stand with her until I do not leave the country - then I should do so.
And she also says this - and maybe I am being manipulated by this point because regardless of my bipolar edgy temperament - she enjoys it(our walk) and me because she never was with a man who with she could discuss points this directly.
As it looks, she is quite similar within expression to my mother and I am very alike within how my mind works as his father - and that's an other point but this writing ends here.

partner self forgiveness

Regarding to my partner, after walked some memory timelines in SRA, since the beginning of my "knowing of her", some points obviously became visible as dishonesties within me
I started to grasp the mind constructs, but there are points what I still must practically walk by myself - anyway more will come

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that if a woman sits to front of me that means that she likes me and want to make me contact her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am handsome in circumstances when I behave properly, cloth properly and speak properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a woman as attractive according to her picture presentation within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to being attractive to a specific kind of woman who I defined as similar to my perceived picture presentation of my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a determined 'type' of woman who is for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek after women who I can define as attractive according to my rules of attraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define somebody as attractive according to my definitions of attractiveness based on pictures what I react to energetically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare S.'s face with Sigourney Weaver because I've defined Sigourney's face as attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my mother's physical representation and picture as attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be with woman who I can define as similar to my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be someone who I can relate with my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be with a woman only who I can define as similar to my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define S. according to my ideas of beauty, according to my beliefs about what is nice and what is ugly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be with people who I can define as nice, attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mesmerized by faces of women who I defined as nice.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to energetically react to faces of specific women who I defined as nice, attractive, sexy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the beauty polarity system and not realizing that my beliefsystems are determining what I actually experience, not myself, directly here.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect somebody to be perceived in real life as I perceived her/him on pictures.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and define people actually by seeing and reacting to their picture presentation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define curly, bubbly hair as awesome.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being attracted to specific pictures and not realizing the polarity system being accepted within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be with a woman who is seeking after enlightenment because I also used to be seeking after the delusion called enlightenment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being attracted towards a specific woman, who I can define as attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus only to the positive instead of realizing that by participating within the positively defined half of the polarity - I am actually responsible for and being directed through the negative as well, as one as equal as I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define smoking as bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike cigarette smoke.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed, instead of realizing that when I do expect and it is not going to happen, then I am responsible for the self-experience of being disappointed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope, instead of realizing that within the moment here: hope is not real, it is an energetically boosted excuse and justification to not act immediately because of self-fear.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can not have somebody for myself instead of wanting to 'have' somebody, we can exist within practical equality without possession.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after somebody.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be of desire after somebody or something - instead of realizing that desire is not real, it is compounded energetic system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize desire within me to energetically build up compounds with what I can face situations what I've defined as I can not face and walk through directly myself as self here without utilizing thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a situation as fucked up when I accept and allow myself to desire after somebody who already has a partner, instead of stopping participation within desire.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to release my desire but still participate within hope - that something outside of me, something what is not myself directly here - would influence, change, direct the situation for me within separation to actually being able to be with or have the subject of my desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stabilize myself and exist within and as an energetic polarity manifestation with what there is always a good point and a bad point within the things, according to my belief systems.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize why and how I define situation s as wrong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being directed by my desire according to S..

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to take self-responsibility for myself and for S. when I realized that regardless I do stop approaching her, I still allow her to be the directive principle, because I did not stop desiring after her, but in a way pretending that me, myself I did my best but she is in charge now. This is self-deception what must be stopped immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must kiss S. instead of realizing that this is not a must, it is of self-definition.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do project opinions, beliefs, judgments onto others as they would experience so, but in fact it is my issue what I try to put onto others to abdicate self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted to think and believe that S. wanted to kiss me when we first kissed - but in fact that was of myself, but by projecting it onto her - I had reason to kiss her based on that belief.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can not resist to my desires, attractions instead of realizing that I am the responsible, I am the directive principle here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, feel myself as powerless because I am experiencing that I am being directed by my desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am powerless, because I can not influence what is happening here.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my self-accepted desire obsession/pressure is being relieved within orgasm instead of realizing that is of momentary relief and in fact I am not releasing, changing the desire/obsession of woman and sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that orgasm is for release desire obsession/pressue energetic compounds within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed because I participated within S.'s cheating on his boyfriend with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of something, instead of realizing that I still feel ashamed because I did not change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within cheating regardless of my decision as I am not going to participate within such things because I see it as self-dishonesty and rather being direct and expressive within the starting point of self-honesty.
I forgive myself to think that something is going to happen what I would not prefer to happen yet I still participate within such act and then when it happened, thinking that I knew it - instead of acting immediately and if I already see how it's going to end and I do not want so - then I act and I direct the situation as myself here.
-----------
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act as I am not responsible for the consequences of my deeds - while in fact I am aware of it yet I still accept and allow myself to continue acting so.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do not take responsibility, if I do not direct my reality - it will directly show me within physical consequences where I am not living one and equal with and as my self-accepted reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for the consequence what I am responsible for - instead of stopping blaming and still acting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I do shit into other's relationship instead of realizing that they are also responsible for what they accept and allow to manifest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am shit, I am weak, I am tired because of continuously facing of the consequences of my deeds, instead of realizing how and why I am directly responsible and not participate within dishonesty by simply stopping myself.
I forgive myself to not take self responsibility within my acts and regret the consequences instead of changing actually.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I did something already, then by stepping back I can undo the consequences, instead of using common sense to see the situation from it's beginning and take direct responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act according to stop myself being ashamed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am lost.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be lost instead of realizing that I am always here as physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself want to quit from what I have done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to find an easy escape from my direct self resonsibility.
I forgive myself to not allow myself to trust in what my partner says, because already asserting that she is lieing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to open myself to anyone because I experienced some disappointment by trusting in others unconditionally, instead of trusting myself here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am powerless, instead of realizing that this is a justification because I am directly involved within physical reality by speaking, acting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do miss myself, the nature of myself when things went not as I wanted - instead of realizing that anything and everything I experience is me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always must enjoy myself no matter what happens.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being my purpose of enjoying myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I must do what is right.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can not stop being attracted to the subject of my desire and all that I can is to leave.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can not let go what I've done in the past regardless of the current circumstances here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not see S. then I will not have an issue within myself regarding to what I allowed to happen.

---
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to face what I directly manifested, instead of realizing that there is no escape from what I've done.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that S. is nuts.
I forgive myself that I 've accepted and allowed myself to think of something about somebody instead of asking it directly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I left S. because I saw the consequences of my deeds and I wanted to redo that even with the possibility that I would not enjoy it - and in fact I would not do so - only I allowed myself to think that way to make myself relieved for a moment from this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I fucked up the relationship thing with S..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pity about one girl did not wanted to share her masturbation experience with me because I've defined it as a must have experience for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define S.'s pussy as extremely attractive and arousing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel being lifted, aroused and energised when I think of pussy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel attraction towards S.'s body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically attracted to S.'s body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like S.'s 'state of being' makes me feel creepy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that S. is unstable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that S. is unstable because how she acted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and feel that S.'s taste penetrates me, influences me and I fear that I would lose myself within this experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that who I am can be changed, instead of realizing that who I really am can not be changed, but who I am actually can be changed as it is not who I really am as Life as All as One as Equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that her taste I must remove otherwise I can lose myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when I am facing my self-manifested consequences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when S. approaches me, because I think of what happened between us in Cambodia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about a conversation it will be ended at the same way as before - instead of realizing that I can be directive as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that S. is unpleasant for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want S. to be happy, to laugh because then I am good.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if I am with S. then we are not happy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to S. about I do not feel anything regarding to her instead of opening myself up to her unconditionally without fearing that I would get hurt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself close myself down and not share myself with others because then I would get hurt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think S. as very bitchy and unstable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my situation with S. as I have a machine what I can not fix.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can not compassionate with S..
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define S. as attractive because she is opened with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define those people as attractive who open up to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if S. is in joy then she is very attractive.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that S. is my type.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am lucky because I met with S..

-
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think S.'s awesome because I've defined her expression as strong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that S. is expressing herself regardless of her gender.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think S. is attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I want to kiss her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that S. is loyal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am in charge, because S. wants to be with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I should manipulate S. because then I would be in control.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must control within my relationship instead of considering practical equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if I say to her that I like her too much, then she would feel she is in charge and then she would control me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate S. with my tonality and using specific words to make her believe that I do not really like her but more likely allowing her within my presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being controlled my partner if I would open myself up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within a relationship one must be the controller and the other one should be controlled instead of considering an equal agreement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I can make her to fall in love to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control S. by her self-accepted love-delusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within a relationship two must constantly fight for dominancy instead of a sustainable equality what is actually supporting each other equally as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that S.'s ass is very sexy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare S.'s picture representation to what I've defined before as attractive, nice, sexy within magazines, movies etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have an attractive girlfriend.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there are woman who are not attractive as those who are in magazines, movies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say S. that she is nice because I think that makes her happy.

(to be continued)

more and more to write and stop self deception by exposing shit

Yesterday it was obvious that there is an issue with my partner, as I uploaded some vlogs about how I experience woman, desire, relationship, agreement but I did not share - I wanted to re-watch it with my partner - as I am sure that some points I do see different than she, and that's the whole point of vlogging, that I share and others can see points what I do not, or points what I see as X and in fact other human(my partner or other) can see that it is in fact Y.
There is this vanity, some kind of pride, that I want to do everything myself, and in fact it is an excuse because I already know that alone I do timelooping with points until finally I fed up with myself regarding to that point with which I am repeating the same pattern of self-limitation.
It's like I want to share, but ____.
For instance I want to share simply a speak what I experience that it I would like to express, a slight pressure what I want to express to become 'empty' inside again but as I do judge my head as it is not bald for instance, and I decided to shave it at weekend, but then I did not do so and then I want to grab the camera and vlog in the moment, and then I realize - but I want to shave first - then the whole construct fall back onto me and actually I do nothing. After two-three occasions I realize that I am doing the same self-dishonest mistake, but actually I still do not redefine my statements.

For instance simply I can say: I want to make a video - am I bald? Yes, and "action". But if no, then I simply go into the bathroom and cut it down and then do the video. That ten minutes is not that 'expensive'.

So with my partner - when she saw my vlogs about the points I was facing about her - she went immediately self-judgment, as I explained that I had so much resistances towards her in a time that I simply wanted to avoid her, but I realized that would not assist me to release the actual cause and core of resistances about her, but actually I want to open myself up to her and share and discuss.

I did not really want this 'relationship' as with previous partners I realized that agreement would be the only way that I could accept myself to be within with a partner.

But as I 'started' to explore what would mean to walk in agreement - I realized, I have no idea what that would be- I have knowledge, I have judgments of others as I saw them be in agreement, for instance Leila and Gian or Maite and LJ, but actually I never walked this point. Resonantly I am not really capable of this to walk, but that I already proven to myself: I can change and the practical application must be walked in physical timeline. So it is it.

The main reason of her discomfort about me is that I told her that about end of July, I am going to leave the country, I want to live in London, and she wrote an email to me about this can not really be real support because one day I will leave her.
So this is already my manifested reality to deal with.

In fact, I did not want to 'be' with her - but I tried out this: I am utilizing what is actually here, I do not run after woman for instance if I experience that I do have some suppressed desire - she is here already and we can enjoy sex. So the point what must be corrected within both of us would be to discuss this points until we both are clear - no inner movement about this - and if we can agree to support each as direct as possible - then we can continue but if this would come up again and again - then it should be stopped.

In these days I experience intensity from all sides - my job is in late, there are lot of "to do"-s what other wont really do for me so these are accumulating and I want to get them done. My tooth are again in quite 'bad' situation, so I must visit dentist regularly for get them repaired/pulled out, otherwise this daily pain, fever, discomfort will distract me continuously.

I even smoked what is odd and I gave into the temptation for a while and after all I realized it's complete bullshit, I am bubbling myself with inner judgments what must be ended.

And then the discomfort what painkillers cause in my stomach I wanted to avoid, so then I smoked again to use it as a painkiller. It was an excuse but after some like that - I do not want to smoke, I must face the pain directly as myself because the truth is about me is that many times and almost mostly the pain is that what is assisting me to realize what I am accepting and allowing and I should start to see the core and starting point of my experiences, of my acceptances and allowances.
So yesterday, to release the discomfort and pain - I smoked some and I realized this stuff is changing me - personality shifts and I am not as myself as I am without smoking, so I want to go to dentist and pay for physical body support and go through the bloody and nasty experiences wherein for instance within an operation the wisdom teeth will be taken out. There is no other way, I knew it when it started, but I procrastinated as I defined experiences at 'dentist' as avoidable. So I avoided dentist, until the pain is literally unbearable and I am directly experiencing myself within pain, and then I wait until I experience literally nothing else than pain as myself - then I move. This is not Self Movement, this is of Energy.

This is what I do not accept, and if I look back - I do see points what with I was not self honest with myself, for instance when I smoked, I said to myself, because my partnership was ended with K, that was intense for me - but in fact - not really.

However as I smoked, I tried to utilize the stuff, what sometimes happened, for instance to watch myself what and how I do - and sometimes there was an urge to smoke without a reason - or the reason when I did not see - I told myself, it is just 'energy'- so I am not having 'enough' energy, and I am boosting myself with external energy-source. WTF? And am I able to accept myself like this for ever more? No. Yet in that moment, I accepted myself as this energy polarity system.
I built it up around the word 'curiosity'. But I already walked that path, exactly I was aware of what like it will be ended: I will be fed up and I will stop it.

Within self-dishonesty I tested myself with this: if I want to smoke, but then I do not know what I want to do, like the goal is to be smoked - so let's see, I smoked - then I watched what I wanted to do: physical exercise, wanting sex, playing with computer, making music, watching movie mostly. These would not be 'bad' but in fact I am aware of what I should do at the first time - what I wrote about many times: my second job I want to do at home, I want to do SRA homework, I want to write and make vlogs, videos. Wanting, instead of acting directly as Self.

About videos, I have about a half dozen videos what I was making but not yet finished - and if I look into myself - I want to do finish and share them - regardless of time, this is who I am and this is what I express - yet somehow I clothed myself with an energetic mental state wherein I was able to separate myself from who I am and what I express and basically what I want to do - and when I experienced myself energetically as this -'shifted' - then I wanted to 'rest', 'relax' from my strained hard work because with the point of 'wanting to do way more too much than I am capable of in the moment' - after a while - even the natural expression of making video about birds became a 'job' instead of Self-expression.

So it is unfolding now, some days ago I realized I am experiencing this boosting intensity what makes me nervous and confused so I must slow down and re-align myself with the principle and the starting point and basically start it all over and stick to the blog and write it out and script up how to stop and then walk into practicality and breath through the energy experiences and focus on the real issue, how to manifest Equal Money System.

About smoking: after almost 3 years of non smoking - it was very intense and now I clearly see that with smoking I am mentally strengthening myself only, and for support it is cool to see that with smoking I was boosting my mind, my thoughts, my separation, what was not obvious before, what I participate within and as - it was intensified and took over and also I participated within inner dialogue, reacted immediately to things without being aware of my act.

Also there was an other self-deception when I smoked, I was like 'Once I did stop, it is no problem, I can stop it again if I would not stop it after one occasion.'

So I do again this statement: I do not smoke, even when I do have physical pain - that was not supporting me to suppress physical pain with a substance what shifts personality - because at first I should deal with the 'normal' personality programs, not shifting dimensions so fast that I am even not aware of what mind-bubble I place myself into and as.

I am going to write down every part of this what I see within myself regarding to this point - if I don't - then I may miss a point with what I would timeloop again what is just not common sense if I am already aware of the consequences of my deeds.

For instance I tested smoke like 'I want it not being influencing on me' - I simply let it go, disregard the sensations of it - I breath, I physically move and act. It happened but only for some time - after a while 'I forgot' to discipline myself. In that case - it is obvious that immediately stop, correct self and live the change by letting go of upcoming 'distractions' from self-discipline.

Even I tried to manipulate myself within writing - about I wanted to write down something but then I edited it according to my point of view - but it was not who I was really at the moment, it's like changing history, pretending and 'emulating' myself to be perceived in a way what never happened. That was really nasty, or writing down something, but then saying, 'no, it's too much', delete this. It can be reasonable, yes, for instance not share my credit card datas or my passwords, but when about my self-dishonesties - I must stick to facts and acts only - because then easily I can be lost within delusion and reality and then I am absolutely unprepared and defenseless from my dishonesties, because after a while I won't be able to see who I am.

So another point I realized, however did not write down, yet tried to manipulate myself with words instead of actually forgiving myself within and as the living words.

What also happened, that I felt a little shame of I smoked for a while - as inside I was aware of this is actually not really a solution, more likely a step-back from where I started to stand up.

So I must correct myself accordingly and precisely and walk the change physically.

I must stand without altering my mind-set and not manipulating myself with substances.

It is also related with being with a partner - as before, when I was with my partners - I smoked - so there was this connection and it was something like 'taking a rest' from the actual physical consistency of standing with somebody and basically going back into my self-created crystal-palace where everything is like I can have 'fun', meanwhile who I really am has consequences within reality what is determining not only my, but other's reality as well.

So the self-deluded 'rest' is over, I am pushing myself to
- face and direct the situation with my partner to actually stand without reactions and decide it is walkable or not - in fact I already decided that I want to walk with her until summer then I'm gone - but until that point - stand as stable as I can and assist and expose her and my dishonesty and actually stop them one by one within self-discipline and unconditionally share.
-do the SRA lessons regardless of my resistances and live with the opportunities of beings actually assist me to walk through self-dishonesties.
-do push my second job at home and make it as I would make it for myself as perfection and then I will be able to finish and release it without remaining inner issues, judgments, reactions.
-continue pushing every day blogging, what I never did, about several days I do write and then again I skipped a whole week for instance many times. If I do not write - I would be not stable, so then I would not write, then I would be not stable until I fed up my shit and would write again by restarting Self-Stabilization.

So this fuckedup-ness what I create, what indirectly leads me to writing - this is not self-willed self-movement. This I must push through and write specifically every day I am able to. Even when I am at other's place, even when I am at countryside, even when I have many things to do at home - I simply write as myself as naturally as I am physically here.

-Specifically write everything down regarding to impulses within me to want to smoke - if I do not write, and forgive and correct in physical - then I allow it and then it will happen again and then it will compound and when I will be not in directive application - then this point would have the ability to direct me to show what I am accepting and allowing within and as myself.

The relationship what I tried to 're-form' within me with a girl, with a drug is prominent - the starting point is inflicted with self-judgments, lack of self-will, lack of self-direction, self-intimacy.

Okay, that's it for today about procrastination, re-smoking, partner, job, pain, self-dishonesty.

I am going to write self forgiveness also on points what I immediately express as the decision to physically change within and as.

Partner:
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to accept as who I am actually and trying to pretend that I am somebody to impress my partner and conceal who I really am inside and as.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to speak through specifically, in detailed with my partner about the points with what we are 'standing' as starting point until both are empty and everything regarding to us and our connection is absolutely clear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project issues from me onto my partner for instance I judged her about she is still practicing spiritual agenda and energies, however I am also still accepting myself to change and act according to energetic impulses.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and actually used my partner's points to hide my own dishonesties to conceal instead of realizing that she is one and equal as me, so it is actually more assisting to open up and share unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to direct myself and my reality without hesitation, when it is about my partner as I still accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as separated from her.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be directive with her by the starting point of 'hope' - about maybe she will not notice this point, so I can remain sneaking, in fact from myself.

Dentist:
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to act immediately to prevent sickness within my human physical body, even when I already walked the same consequences, I had to wait until intense pain to actually act an support myself as my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge experiences at dentist as avoidable because of the pain and discomfort, then blinding myself with these self-created judgments to not act according to Common Sense, within this case to not go to dentist in time when there is not yet pain.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see - there is no other way out from this than revisit dentist and 'walk' myself through experiences without judging, what before I judged as avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define dentist as avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid to experience consequences as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as separated from me.

Smoking:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define smoking as desired based on judgments.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I already walked this path of me smoking and I was sick of it and I wanted to stop so strong that for years I even did not consider to smoke again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this compounded desire after smoking as 'curiosity' instead of saying it as it is: desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify re-smoking with defining it as a 'test', instead of realizing that for years I already 'tested' the stuff, it is obviously not supporting me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'hope' that the stuff if I will smoke it, will actually assist me, instead of realizing that I fucked myself up with the word, 'assistance'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I use the word 'assistance' to actually cover my hope and desire after smoking because for some time I accepted and allowed myself to experience inner reactions, judgments continuously what compounded and took over within my physical expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my smoking by defining it as 'painkiller', instead of realizing it is not only taking away the pain, but makes me dizzy, stoned, slower and basically dumber, more mental than physical.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I do stop blogging, vlogging, then I accept movements inside of me what will be physically manifested within and as my physical reality as one as equal as myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the temptation of smoking by wanting to 'rest' and 'stop' for a moment, and not realizing that this 'rest' and 'stop' is actually 'self-rest' and 'self-stop' as I am shifting personality into a mental state where I can judge and procrastinate as much as I can.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by procrastinating to do things, I am procrastinating myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that immediate action is who I really am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define reality without mind-altering substances as 'intense' and 'raw' instead of realizing that these labels are coming from the mind, these are not real, only protection-mechanisms what can be walked through and let them go.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that I do not have much energy.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by accepting myself as not having enough energy, I am accepting myself as not whole, not fully capable of being always here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ganja as 'energy'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being exposed of I was smoking, instead of realizing that by the starting point of fear of it - I am already of it as it as the fear, as the starting point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself by defining 'hope and desire' as 'curiosity' by not considering what is already here - that here I already walked through this and I realized the deception within smoking.

Tomorrow I will go to my partner, if I can, after the dentist intervention, and preferably we should discuss the points within us until it's clear.
Tomorrow night, if no other way - I will use my partner's laptop to write my blog.

What

What I've been doing since I was writing here - I was working and I was spending time with my partner - who goes through intense self facing recently and it is fascinating to see how I stand within this - as she had issues as intense self judgement and self abuse and even destruction with alcohol and separating herself from reality at home and storming inside and hating herself -- in fact she does not doing this - but did in past - and sometimes it comes back - in these moments she evades me - simply does not want me to see and experience her like this - but it is obviously not a solution - I told her face me with yourself not with pretending - and I told her that if we do agreement - we can trust each other more than possible - but I experienced a bit of evading about it - okay she was traveling and she was in jogacamp and art camp and things like that - as she is teacher in the year and can not go away really - only in summer, so she does - but yet I was aware of she was avoiding me.
So I told her, and also I shared some stories about what happened with me regarding to other girls - as Gy was who I wanted to be but then I realized she is still worshipping with spiritual buddhism, and she was utterly robotic sometimes and also refused my physical 'closeness' - so I finally wrote an email to her to simply stand by principle as self honesty or fuck off - then she took back from seeking after me...so when I shared this with my partner - I wanted to let her know that I kind of 'like' her expression but I do not wave toward her personally, if she is not moving as self as facing as stopping addictions - then I wont suppor her - so it was tough...
Also I stopped sexual fantasies and desires for unrealistic sexual experiences such as orgies and having intense sexual meetings - but by stopping that - I noticed that I wanted to have more sex with her - what I defined as cool, because I was like - this is step one - to focusing all this to physical level - but when she evaded me - even a bit jeaolousy came up as maybe she is not meeting with me because she is having sex with other lolol
But in fact she did not - she was inside her head and she was 'down' within the energy game. So then I told her to meet - and she wanted to refuse first, but I told her, 'I dare you to face me' so we met and she was a bit indeed bitchy but we could push through and spoke about it -- she agreed to write more and 'make list' and doing things and making them 'checked out' - to build self will, self-direction, self-trust.
As she told - she was doing fine - and three days later I visited her and she was again a bit bitchy - 'turned in' a bit, she had pain in stomach, she told me she is tired, wants to sleep, but she couldnt - simply wanted to deny my presence and I did not accept this - we even did sex - what was quite effective, but in a moment she faded away from @HERE@ and then she stopped and it was obvious that something came up but she did not want to share - I was like wtf, and then I was like her for a moment - she was like 'I dont care, let me be' blah blah and then I was like this for a moment -- and it was fascinating to see - is this me or her - and I was like - okay it's gone - so it is interesting to see - but maybe it was her within me - or something came up from 'past of me' - but in fact if something from past of me comes HERE - then it is not the past lol.

So then we spoke more then she told me she has pain, tired, she must rest - then I was like, okay -- at night I do not sleep much - I was busy with recording the moon and clouds and things like that and then we spoke more and then I told her, I go sleep - then in the morning after a big hug I left - After two days she wrote to me that she realized that she is very grotesque as she went too far and she decided to STOP and change real - and then she called me and then I wrote her some emails, sent some already translated stuff such as Joao and Joana self forgiveness physical system transcendance asissistance with Mykey and the Solution that I am here - these I translated one or two years ago and assisted me much...
Also I am going to this goa festival on tuesday - I will help a guy on stage packing and he will use my laptop - ambient music - and then I will dance for Psykovsky - what I like - intense, direct russian trance music...
In the last several tranceparties - much self expression things I realized - and I am going to share this points -- regarding to how to transform trance dance from druggy mind experience into physical self expression as I am here.

Also fascinating to see how I stand with this - and I did not want to go into Gy-s tent as she told me that I should sleep with her again - but I did not want - as we would disagree with starting point and also I did not like the idea to sleep with her because she refused me when I wanted to have sex with her -- lol exposing truth.
My partner also told me that she would attend - but she prefers to sleep within her tent - to be able to have guests by her own - what I did not like as an idea - and I told her that I should prefer ONE woman but that one absolutely to walk as principle - but at this moment I walk with her - why do not let her 'be'? As I am aware of the 'agreement terms (and conditions lolol)' are compromised - as she is not even aware of all of the tools how to stand and forgive -- self forgiveness we discussed but she did not try - she uses the phrase that 'simply just words wont solve this' and 'this is not my style, I am not of (wo)mann of words, I express different, with dance etc)' - and I explained her how I experience this and how words are the building-blocks of all realiity and in one point she got it...
So within the limited time (about 3-4months) I will be here - I decided to stand by her - to assist her and me within stability - and I am aware of the increasing pressure that I push to her about what I do not accept ---- within past when I started process - I simply stated out ' you are all robots, this is the matrix, stand by me or die' - and simply it was stupid...

I am also aware of that I am with her because of the sexual thing - she is quite effective within sexual expressions and we can enjoy - and she is one of the some who do not seek after orgasm - many women I spoke recently and they almost all did not like the idea of having sex but not having orgasm - as this is not the point I would engage - simp0ly of the physical expression and if orgasm is coming, then it is okay, but if actually I stand within the stable physical expression without participation in energy - then orgasm is not required, it comes only if we decide so... so the whole point was when we started to meet to assist each other - not only within sex but all ways - so we will see -- also I am aware of that I have the tendency to 'get out' by saying 'I dont like this - it's fucked' -- instead of communicating, common sense, assist and first stand with and as the other -- so at this moment I stand - and if I realize that I accept compromise - then I stand up from it and we will see that our little 'agreement and support' will last...

It assisted me very much to be physical here - by standing and expressing physically - but the more I push, the more shit comes up from inside - so I push until I breath.

I also started to script up I vote for Equal money system video - I wrote something, I wrote a part of it on paper, I did a video when I read it up to camera - but I will 'practice a bit more' before I finally record to video - I am directing myself.

Also I did not cut my hair in the week - I was busy and I was about to 'after the week' - and today I had a thought - maybe on the next week - then I walked out to eat something and then I did it -- any resistance in this point next time - I will write about it, it is very specific.