[JTL Day 12] Desire and fear regarding to woman and sex intro

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Yesterday after some months I had sex with her again and I was surprised how quiet I've became today inside in terms of thoughts and feelings.
Obviously with sex I can discharge the storm within but only for a while - so even if I do not see this clearly - I will experience the consequences anyway.

Looks like all the inner troubles I give myself into is because of the lack of sex and my judgments and reactions regarding to this.

Fascinating - if I would be my mind, and would want to control me, I'd make sure that I do not have a sexual relationship within the physical.

And my mind is a reflection and inversion of me as who I am.

What does this entail?

As I see - regarding to this topic, specifically as the words within me:
'woman' and 'sex' - both have two faces - the desire after and the fear from.
The polarity manifestation of my desires and fears are quite equated - in fact by my constant reaction towards these within 'me' make me just be equated, 'still', 'balanced'.

In fact - the most practical way to describe this system what I've put in charge within and as me as this topic as 'woman and sex' - is by walking trough this specific polarity system with this specific woman who I had sex with.

So this story starts like an ordinary erotic story - but I am walking trough the self-dishonesty here - what I am doing here by starting to write out my desires and fears according to woman and sex existing trough and as encrypted energetic symbols called words.

Encrypted meaning I am not fully aware of all the details of how and why I've manifested myself like this as I experience myself here - and writing it out within the starting point of self-honesty - I can unreveal the encryption. The encryption is here to make sure in one moment I can not see trough my delusion - as layers upon layers of relationships between words I've accepted and allowed to self-define and conclude and decide and apparently choose - but within self-honest writing I can investigate the why and the how and then I can be aware of the whole story by dedication and in fact consistency and time - and to realize the ridiculousness of my constant self-delusion through and as energetic polarity manifestations triggered by words.

So that's why all the words - that's why any spiritual mantra can not be self-honestly seriously taken in any way whatsoever - as that is not the actual words what I react to - that is just an other layer upon the already self-contained layered consciousness system - an other encryption level to make sure the human not realize the RESPONSIBILITY within such delusion as thoughts, feelings emotions - and one who is really dedicated to Self-realization and Self-liberation - should not stuck at any method what is not really dealing with the words what one programmed to react to - because we already entail many-many-many-many programmed systems within our mind consciousness what makes us operate quite automatically within certain specific situations what we accepted and allowed - in fact decided not to question anymore but encrypting the whole package as 'myself' and then any question would point towars this encrypted system as the pointer word: 'myself' then one would stop, one would hesitate to question anymore, because this is what self has accepted and allowed to be and then comes the 'This is who I am, that's it' - what is the lamest excuse earth has been seen because to remain this system actually requires lots of extra effort - the constant occupation within thoughts, feelings and emotions - what is literally seeping off our real life force what we really are as our human physical bodies.

Therefore I walk trough this two words as woman and sex in terms of polarity system regarding to two dimensions: desire and fear.

Recently I've already wrote down all my fears what I could bring to surface and writing those down was quite a fun I had quite a LOL indeed - as so ridiculous to fear from for instance 'women would want to be with me all the time to do sex' what interestingly enough is also my desire as well.

So that kind of fun can come trough if one dares to pour out own self's accepted nonsense.

And this even might seem to be quite rigidly insane to write out to the world about my greatest desires and fears but hey, from this point - anyone would read this - have an opportunity to know me - not by my favourite movies or music or t-shirt - that is just the surface, the consequence - I can get fed up experiencing the surface of people quite soon - that's why I'd stick to desteni people - because they do not say so much bullshit - desteni people are quite brave in terms of what they are really doing - it takes gut and dedication to not share some nice glamour but some true real demonic shit - and actually how one walks trough and what one realizes and how walks the preparation and the living of practical transcendence.

And by reading I can relate - I can prepare myself if I would face such point in the future - and then becoming aware of the consequences - I can really decide what is the best outcome within the consideration of all - within self-honesty there is no such thing as choice only consequence.

That's why I suggest everyone who can to read some Desteni/Self-forgiveness/Journey to Life blogs each day - because this is real - this is real people facing real problems and not feeding the secret mind anymore about hiding behind curtains of our mind as thoughts, feelings emotions - what is proven to be quite limited, slow and in fact really miserable.

But sharing our mistakes, values, realizations, commitments, we are re-aligning ourselves with words - and making sure what words we speak we are always equal and one regarding to what we act - within the consideration of the best consequence not only for ourselves but all.

Also what I've noticed - that by sharing my greatest shit - actually I am pushing my limits - if anyone would not notice that I am dealing with this shit currently, then this is it - I am an open book literally - please read me and experience the words what I react to, experience my difficulties and my realizations and my process of stopping - what is the starting point of doing so - therefore also when you've read my self-dishonesty - and at a point I lose self-awareness about these points - who read it - can also realize what I am walking currently trough and assist if decides so or if required.

So

desire and fear
sir tear dear fear


The sure fare is that I can not experience desire without experiencing fear.

The reality of me is that I can not fullfil my desire without constant fear.
The fact is that I can not enjoy fullfilling my desire without suppressing my fear.
The problem is that as I am fullfilling desire I re-create the experience of fear.
The solution is to let go, give up, transcend all desires and all fears completely.

Especially woman and sex. In mind - physically it's quite alright - but in mind - any participation in thoughts, feelings, emotions(sorry girls;) about any woman or any sex and in fact anything - is not real - not me - but a strange secluded mirror-room-feedback system what is echoing me back all self-dishonesty what I've ever made - no escape;- we face all as equal as one as self each.

The most practical(cannot say 'easiest' or 'simplest') way to stop my program of desire and fear might would be to have a constant partner(woman to do sex with - experience instead of desire after experience) within self-supporting agreement. That would push me to face an other layer of self-dishonesty, but I walk points as self-accepted encrypted layers, one by one.

I've started to transform 'my' last relationship to agreement but it did not last as it was not Self-honest dedication and decision both of ourselves but it was of energy, what is coming and going - so it was over since long while. So yesterday we did something the first time together and facing the same responsibility points just like before, but first I've decided to walk Desteni Agreement Course(in lesson 4 currently since a while but it is worth each dime and moment to spend with), what is uniquely invaluable in terms of supporting ones to transform from mind-relationship to REAL relationship within the principle of equality and oneness - and not looping within dysfunctional parent-programming timeloops to intensify the already currently manifested consequences of self-dishonesty. Such as desire and fear within me regarding to woman and sex - not because I feel really shit all the time - but at times yes - and if I accept myself as hell, then I am responsible for this hell. So desire and fear - both must go as it is just an other mind-fuel-energy-layer to not take Self-responsibility in every moment.

So then woman and sex regarding to desire and fear would be one layer - and then when starting to walk this - another layers pop up - a some sort of origin - to have a desire to stop fearing from not having woman and sex - or to have -
but then can not be constant and consistent as the desire is fueled by fear to stop fear. Do you see it now? It's obvious that it's all fear - fear of self - as nothing else really can exist than self - so then what is this fear, how to stop this fear?

Here people say, the devil it's in the details - well, literally:
The fact that one can not really remember the past - is really specific - not because it is not important, but because exactly the fact, what really happened 'there' within and as the mind - as self - the exact layout and design manifestation of that fear.
How exactly it happened? How exactly I've reacted with what?
.
.
So then without fear - my desire is not started/fueled/activated to fear from not having woman and sex to then going towards woman and sex? Hmm...

Say hello to Ouroboros, the snake what eats it's own tail - the trap of 22.
Or 22222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222.

That's why Self-forgiveness. What is manifested, is already manifested, no escape - but what comes next - we can really decide by becoming aware of the self-accepted consequences with Self-forgiveness as individual and as humanity as a whole.
To stop all cycles. All programs. All personalities. All motivations must go - All self-definitions, all sacred geometry triangle self-definition manifestations I let go, remove, delete.

Only the 'I' remain as Self as Life.

I will continue with Self-forgiveness on the topic.

Also I've noticed that I accepted and allowed myself to have the tendency to post rarely but then long ones - here I am transforming it(myself) to rather being consistent to walk these points daily even if it means that I'll segregate.

Also I've started several topics to decompose within and as myself - drugs, spiritual agendas, responsibility, relationships, desire, sex, energy - and these are interconnected trough and as words as well within my life so I'll be walking these for a while from several different angles to pinpoint and cross-reference all the shit what I'm still timelooping yet being aware already. So - let's walk, enjoy!


 

more and more to write and stop self deception by exposing shit

Yesterday it was obvious that there is an issue with my partner, as I uploaded some vlogs about how I experience woman, desire, relationship, agreement but I did not share - I wanted to re-watch it with my partner - as I am sure that some points I do see different than she, and that's the whole point of vlogging, that I share and others can see points what I do not, or points what I see as X and in fact other human(my partner or other) can see that it is in fact Y.
There is this vanity, some kind of pride, that I want to do everything myself, and in fact it is an excuse because I already know that alone I do timelooping with points until finally I fed up with myself regarding to that point with which I am repeating the same pattern of self-limitation.
It's like I want to share, but ____.
For instance I want to share simply a speak what I experience that it I would like to express, a slight pressure what I want to express to become 'empty' inside again but as I do judge my head as it is not bald for instance, and I decided to shave it at weekend, but then I did not do so and then I want to grab the camera and vlog in the moment, and then I realize - but I want to shave first - then the whole construct fall back onto me and actually I do nothing. After two-three occasions I realize that I am doing the same self-dishonest mistake, but actually I still do not redefine my statements.

For instance simply I can say: I want to make a video - am I bald? Yes, and "action". But if no, then I simply go into the bathroom and cut it down and then do the video. That ten minutes is not that 'expensive'.

So with my partner - when she saw my vlogs about the points I was facing about her - she went immediately self-judgment, as I explained that I had so much resistances towards her in a time that I simply wanted to avoid her, but I realized that would not assist me to release the actual cause and core of resistances about her, but actually I want to open myself up to her and share and discuss.

I did not really want this 'relationship' as with previous partners I realized that agreement would be the only way that I could accept myself to be within with a partner.

But as I 'started' to explore what would mean to walk in agreement - I realized, I have no idea what that would be- I have knowledge, I have judgments of others as I saw them be in agreement, for instance Leila and Gian or Maite and LJ, but actually I never walked this point. Resonantly I am not really capable of this to walk, but that I already proven to myself: I can change and the practical application must be walked in physical timeline. So it is it.

The main reason of her discomfort about me is that I told her that about end of July, I am going to leave the country, I want to live in London, and she wrote an email to me about this can not really be real support because one day I will leave her.
So this is already my manifested reality to deal with.

In fact, I did not want to 'be' with her - but I tried out this: I am utilizing what is actually here, I do not run after woman for instance if I experience that I do have some suppressed desire - she is here already and we can enjoy sex. So the point what must be corrected within both of us would be to discuss this points until we both are clear - no inner movement about this - and if we can agree to support each as direct as possible - then we can continue but if this would come up again and again - then it should be stopped.

In these days I experience intensity from all sides - my job is in late, there are lot of "to do"-s what other wont really do for me so these are accumulating and I want to get them done. My tooth are again in quite 'bad' situation, so I must visit dentist regularly for get them repaired/pulled out, otherwise this daily pain, fever, discomfort will distract me continuously.

I even smoked what is odd and I gave into the temptation for a while and after all I realized it's complete bullshit, I am bubbling myself with inner judgments what must be ended.

And then the discomfort what painkillers cause in my stomach I wanted to avoid, so then I smoked again to use it as a painkiller. It was an excuse but after some like that - I do not want to smoke, I must face the pain directly as myself because the truth is about me is that many times and almost mostly the pain is that what is assisting me to realize what I am accepting and allowing and I should start to see the core and starting point of my experiences, of my acceptances and allowances.
So yesterday, to release the discomfort and pain - I smoked some and I realized this stuff is changing me - personality shifts and I am not as myself as I am without smoking, so I want to go to dentist and pay for physical body support and go through the bloody and nasty experiences wherein for instance within an operation the wisdom teeth will be taken out. There is no other way, I knew it when it started, but I procrastinated as I defined experiences at 'dentist' as avoidable. So I avoided dentist, until the pain is literally unbearable and I am directly experiencing myself within pain, and then I wait until I experience literally nothing else than pain as myself - then I move. This is not Self Movement, this is of Energy.

This is what I do not accept, and if I look back - I do see points what with I was not self honest with myself, for instance when I smoked, I said to myself, because my partnership was ended with K, that was intense for me - but in fact - not really.

However as I smoked, I tried to utilize the stuff, what sometimes happened, for instance to watch myself what and how I do - and sometimes there was an urge to smoke without a reason - or the reason when I did not see - I told myself, it is just 'energy'- so I am not having 'enough' energy, and I am boosting myself with external energy-source. WTF? And am I able to accept myself like this for ever more? No. Yet in that moment, I accepted myself as this energy polarity system.
I built it up around the word 'curiosity'. But I already walked that path, exactly I was aware of what like it will be ended: I will be fed up and I will stop it.

Within self-dishonesty I tested myself with this: if I want to smoke, but then I do not know what I want to do, like the goal is to be smoked - so let's see, I smoked - then I watched what I wanted to do: physical exercise, wanting sex, playing with computer, making music, watching movie mostly. These would not be 'bad' but in fact I am aware of what I should do at the first time - what I wrote about many times: my second job I want to do at home, I want to do SRA homework, I want to write and make vlogs, videos. Wanting, instead of acting directly as Self.

About videos, I have about a half dozen videos what I was making but not yet finished - and if I look into myself - I want to do finish and share them - regardless of time, this is who I am and this is what I express - yet somehow I clothed myself with an energetic mental state wherein I was able to separate myself from who I am and what I express and basically what I want to do - and when I experienced myself energetically as this -'shifted' - then I wanted to 'rest', 'relax' from my strained hard work because with the point of 'wanting to do way more too much than I am capable of in the moment' - after a while - even the natural expression of making video about birds became a 'job' instead of Self-expression.

So it is unfolding now, some days ago I realized I am experiencing this boosting intensity what makes me nervous and confused so I must slow down and re-align myself with the principle and the starting point and basically start it all over and stick to the blog and write it out and script up how to stop and then walk into practicality and breath through the energy experiences and focus on the real issue, how to manifest Equal Money System.

About smoking: after almost 3 years of non smoking - it was very intense and now I clearly see that with smoking I am mentally strengthening myself only, and for support it is cool to see that with smoking I was boosting my mind, my thoughts, my separation, what was not obvious before, what I participate within and as - it was intensified and took over and also I participated within inner dialogue, reacted immediately to things without being aware of my act.

Also there was an other self-deception when I smoked, I was like 'Once I did stop, it is no problem, I can stop it again if I would not stop it after one occasion.'

So I do again this statement: I do not smoke, even when I do have physical pain - that was not supporting me to suppress physical pain with a substance what shifts personality - because at first I should deal with the 'normal' personality programs, not shifting dimensions so fast that I am even not aware of what mind-bubble I place myself into and as.

I am going to write down every part of this what I see within myself regarding to this point - if I don't - then I may miss a point with what I would timeloop again what is just not common sense if I am already aware of the consequences of my deeds.

For instance I tested smoke like 'I want it not being influencing on me' - I simply let it go, disregard the sensations of it - I breath, I physically move and act. It happened but only for some time - after a while 'I forgot' to discipline myself. In that case - it is obvious that immediately stop, correct self and live the change by letting go of upcoming 'distractions' from self-discipline.

Even I tried to manipulate myself within writing - about I wanted to write down something but then I edited it according to my point of view - but it was not who I was really at the moment, it's like changing history, pretending and 'emulating' myself to be perceived in a way what never happened. That was really nasty, or writing down something, but then saying, 'no, it's too much', delete this. It can be reasonable, yes, for instance not share my credit card datas or my passwords, but when about my self-dishonesties - I must stick to facts and acts only - because then easily I can be lost within delusion and reality and then I am absolutely unprepared and defenseless from my dishonesties, because after a while I won't be able to see who I am.

So another point I realized, however did not write down, yet tried to manipulate myself with words instead of actually forgiving myself within and as the living words.

What also happened, that I felt a little shame of I smoked for a while - as inside I was aware of this is actually not really a solution, more likely a step-back from where I started to stand up.

So I must correct myself accordingly and precisely and walk the change physically.

I must stand without altering my mind-set and not manipulating myself with substances.

It is also related with being with a partner - as before, when I was with my partners - I smoked - so there was this connection and it was something like 'taking a rest' from the actual physical consistency of standing with somebody and basically going back into my self-created crystal-palace where everything is like I can have 'fun', meanwhile who I really am has consequences within reality what is determining not only my, but other's reality as well.

So the self-deluded 'rest' is over, I am pushing myself to
- face and direct the situation with my partner to actually stand without reactions and decide it is walkable or not - in fact I already decided that I want to walk with her until summer then I'm gone - but until that point - stand as stable as I can and assist and expose her and my dishonesty and actually stop them one by one within self-discipline and unconditionally share.
-do the SRA lessons regardless of my resistances and live with the opportunities of beings actually assist me to walk through self-dishonesties.
-do push my second job at home and make it as I would make it for myself as perfection and then I will be able to finish and release it without remaining inner issues, judgments, reactions.
-continue pushing every day blogging, what I never did, about several days I do write and then again I skipped a whole week for instance many times. If I do not write - I would be not stable, so then I would not write, then I would be not stable until I fed up my shit and would write again by restarting Self-Stabilization.

So this fuckedup-ness what I create, what indirectly leads me to writing - this is not self-willed self-movement. This I must push through and write specifically every day I am able to. Even when I am at other's place, even when I am at countryside, even when I have many things to do at home - I simply write as myself as naturally as I am physically here.

-Specifically write everything down regarding to impulses within me to want to smoke - if I do not write, and forgive and correct in physical - then I allow it and then it will happen again and then it will compound and when I will be not in directive application - then this point would have the ability to direct me to show what I am accepting and allowing within and as myself.

The relationship what I tried to 're-form' within me with a girl, with a drug is prominent - the starting point is inflicted with self-judgments, lack of self-will, lack of self-direction, self-intimacy.

Okay, that's it for today about procrastination, re-smoking, partner, job, pain, self-dishonesty.

I am going to write self forgiveness also on points what I immediately express as the decision to physically change within and as.

Partner:
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to accept as who I am actually and trying to pretend that I am somebody to impress my partner and conceal who I really am inside and as.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to speak through specifically, in detailed with my partner about the points with what we are 'standing' as starting point until both are empty and everything regarding to us and our connection is absolutely clear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project issues from me onto my partner for instance I judged her about she is still practicing spiritual agenda and energies, however I am also still accepting myself to change and act according to energetic impulses.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed and actually used my partner's points to hide my own dishonesties to conceal instead of realizing that she is one and equal as me, so it is actually more assisting to open up and share unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to direct myself and my reality without hesitation, when it is about my partner as I still accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as separated from her.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be directive with her by the starting point of 'hope' - about maybe she will not notice this point, so I can remain sneaking, in fact from myself.

Dentist:
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to act immediately to prevent sickness within my human physical body, even when I already walked the same consequences, I had to wait until intense pain to actually act an support myself as my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge experiences at dentist as avoidable because of the pain and discomfort, then blinding myself with these self-created judgments to not act according to Common Sense, within this case to not go to dentist in time when there is not yet pain.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see - there is no other way out from this than revisit dentist and 'walk' myself through experiences without judging, what before I judged as avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define dentist as avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid to experience consequences as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as separated from me.

Smoking:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define smoking as desired based on judgments.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I already walked this path of me smoking and I was sick of it and I wanted to stop so strong that for years I even did not consider to smoke again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this compounded desire after smoking as 'curiosity' instead of saying it as it is: desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify re-smoking with defining it as a 'test', instead of realizing that for years I already 'tested' the stuff, it is obviously not supporting me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'hope' that the stuff if I will smoke it, will actually assist me, instead of realizing that I fucked myself up with the word, 'assistance'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I use the word 'assistance' to actually cover my hope and desire after smoking because for some time I accepted and allowed myself to experience inner reactions, judgments continuously what compounded and took over within my physical expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my smoking by defining it as 'painkiller', instead of realizing it is not only taking away the pain, but makes me dizzy, stoned, slower and basically dumber, more mental than physical.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I do stop blogging, vlogging, then I accept movements inside of me what will be physically manifested within and as my physical reality as one as equal as myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the temptation of smoking by wanting to 'rest' and 'stop' for a moment, and not realizing that this 'rest' and 'stop' is actually 'self-rest' and 'self-stop' as I am shifting personality into a mental state where I can judge and procrastinate as much as I can.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by procrastinating to do things, I am procrastinating myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that immediate action is who I really am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define reality without mind-altering substances as 'intense' and 'raw' instead of realizing that these labels are coming from the mind, these are not real, only protection-mechanisms what can be walked through and let them go.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that I do not have much energy.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by accepting myself as not having enough energy, I am accepting myself as not whole, not fully capable of being always here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ganja as 'energy'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being exposed of I was smoking, instead of realizing that by the starting point of fear of it - I am already of it as it as the fear, as the starting point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself by defining 'hope and desire' as 'curiosity' by not considering what is already here - that here I already walked through this and I realized the deception within smoking.

Tomorrow I will go to my partner, if I can, after the dentist intervention, and preferably we should discuss the points within us until it's clear.
Tomorrow night, if no other way - I will use my partner's laptop to write my blog.

Pushing the point again - desire - relationship - agreement

Okay - regarding to desire - relationship - agreement and dishonesties -- I did about a hour vlog - and did extensive emailing in hungarian with several beings - however I was not satistied my expression - it was not direct on the point - and my speakings in the video was not that understandable as I would like so - so I will write about it again and redo vlogs - to compress the shit into one or two vlogs - and writing it down more directly.

So I will start the 'story' about one year ago - first time it will go until last december - then I will continue on forthcoming day.
-----
It is like closing a period in my life - as I already realized things - but resonantly coming up - so I write more, expose more, I will do mind constructs and self forgiveness and self corrective application - this will be some of occasions - but I will do so anyway - it must be done.

Whats going on on on and on

Recently I was emailing directly with several people, mostly in hungarian - fascinating points came up - mostly about my discipline regarding to desires and focus to remain here as physical.

With my some ex-girlfiends and other people(mostly women) I started to open myself up directly within communication - simply writing about my current process - what I am facing actually - some are giving some perspectives - to see - what reflections I am still participating based on belief, desire, fear or simply not taking self responsibility to stand up for all within my act.
For instance - when I speak with specific women - I do not have this obvious desire after sex or very direct physical contact - but several times I was able to see it hiddenly - within words - not because I am symbolically speaking of desires - more likely as I speak about the sexual topic - I saw that some times I expected to respect/response with the same - opening up inner issues of themselves - also about sexual experiences, insights etc - and what I saw that the hope within myself about 'maybe then after we speak about it - then IRL we could do so' - but when I see it directly - not really - it is more likely subconscious - but sometimes comes up to conscious level and then I see it when I am here as breathing - but several times I acted(wrote) withint the starting point of energy - and if I release this expression(send it in email) then it will reflect back...So it happened...
Therefore there was some kind of 'temptation' as well - as specific women approached me in specific circumstances with the offering of 'we should sleep together' - but I did not do so...
Later on I had the chance to react inside -- I went into inner dishonesty by following desire - and in those moments - I experienced this desire - to use the opportunity - but I was not sure - so I still did not do so - then the opportunity was not here anymore - but I was able to see 'I was not absolutely direct' - still I was a bit of being directed - however there was this sprout of standing absolute by discipline/principle/decision/realization/self-honesty.
So I must stabilize and express this decision, discipline, principle, realization, self honesty - by writing about why and how I realized what I must stop - what I must reject, what I must do when temptations come to stand as Life Principle.

It all started with myself opening up to women about in the begining of the summer of 2009 - and first of all - I did not 'script up' situations - I just walked into it - and then I was being intriqued by it and I was directed - not that obviously and utterly as years ago when I fell into absolute delusions regarding to specific women -- but still of dishonesty, still of desire.
And in fact - I wanted to form an agreement - and by this 'want' - I did not do so - and also I did not take into consideration the other - the other's process - and see common sensically that that woman suits the placement for this with me to walk as equally as one - the first one trial: simply did not.
However it took several months for me to realize how this construct what was moving me - works, operates, moves me and why and what is what I am not experiencing within myself and I feel separated from - what I want to have by that specific woman.
When it started to be obvious that she does not get this whole thing and she does not even want to open up for realize it - it was obvious that this wont really work - but I was still busy to make this work - and by wanting to - I became this want - and within becoming this want - I lost my starting point as self as presence - not totally - but within specific situations...
For instance when she was kissing me and hugging - I simply forgot things lol...
So after a while - sexual desire also arised and when that was not to happen - I started to physically experience this system directly. It was strong and really rude experience - the pain was about once in two weeks - for a half a hour - almost unbearable - this area of myself(down there from genital/ass coming up by the center of my trunk) - was in a some kind of energetic burn experience. To describe this experience - the tip of this was my asshole and tip of my penis - and from this points - these really felt like one point - and from those two - experiencing arising energy flames upwards - and these energy flames - somehow I felt these as empty/black/energetic information systems moving up slowly but very strong - and pain was so strong that in it's peek(the strongest part was always for 5-15 minutes) I was nothing more but presence, pain, breath. Literally.

In these moments - there nothing left - but breathing and remaining here - I've tried distractions - even once or twice masturbation to 'release' the energetic compound - but did not really help - it was like this experience always waited for me so to speak - and when I was here as presence - it intensified and came full blown and then after 'purely' breathing through - it was gone - very fascinating experience - this was about for a year - suppressed sexual desire -- after being with this one specific woman while she 'allowed to do things' but not 'actual sex' - so I was aroused and after some rejections - or watching sexual video without masturbating to orgasm -- this came up -- sometimes at work - when I had to deal with it - to go somewhere to be alone and then breath through it...
After a while of course - I realized that this is very serious - and I remembered once we had chat with Bernard when he said it sounds like an infection - but I was like - it is obviously of suppressed compounded sexual desire - what is of mind-based - and maybe it manifested synptoms are of infection - but the core is of sexual disorder...

This event occured totally about 15-20 times - but about 5-6 were really seriously - absolutely - intense to the outmost degree.
I realized that I must change - and by the decision to change - I did not change automatically.
I had to investigate specifically how I participate within this - so then I started to stop participate within sexual desire.
First of all - by stopping the reaction to women on street - by stopping watching them as 'sexual objects' - as I remember - I did not watched them always like this -- only since I am working at this office and being with this people and 'sitting in' into this lifestyle of working at office, being alone, sometimes watching sex movies and wanting to have sexual intercourse with women but not doing so in physical.

In a way - I was aware of this dishonesty - so I was aware of one day I will stop - same as with smoking weed - I always was aware of that this is temporally - but at the moment it is here...But then I realized - I can't wait for it's end - if actually it is me - I have to stop myself to stop it. So I did 21 days stopping - I did masturbation - sometimes not using pictures, sometimes yes - it was very fuzzy - yet - when I did without pictures - still some 'small' reactions came up - but yet - then after - I was not ashamed - or felt discharged, and I did not feel that this I must keep in secret as it was 'natural'.
So somehow this started to change...
However when I was with this girl - things came faster that I could handle - so sometimes I lost my floor - and became energy waves..up and down...

So I wrote more about it and I wrote about sexual intents and what is my desire and how I define it and I wrote self forgiveness...
It started to change - I was able to extensively reduce my inner reactions towards women on street/eating place/office - and I kept pushing myself because I saw that I can stop - as I formed this to became - I can stop it on the same way - directly doing it - the stopping of it - daily - moment by moment...
So then with this girl - who I proposed to make agreement on sexual based physical support for each other by standing within self honesty and openness - she did not wanted it - and it came to the surface that she 'plays' with an other guy also - as I realized - she did not wanted me simply as a 'friend' but not that much as we would do 'intimate' thingies...
So then I approached her when she evaded me regardless of we agreed in a specific meet - and then asked directly and explained one more - that I can stand with her unconditionally if she moves self honestly and opens herself up - but then when I was pushing her to express directly - she told me that she did not want to meet with me because she did kisses with an other guy - so then she was ashamed of herself and she did not wanted to face with me.
So then I told her that it is over - and she asked me to be friends and I told her that friends are fiends - then I left her and deleted her phone number in my phone to be sure - I do not go back.

It was my decision - to clearly step out from this -- and it was also an experiment from the beginning - that I will not manipulate her, I will not make her being attracted to me and I will not reason her to do so - without mind games I wanted her to act - because in my past - I did these to 'get' women - and I do not do so anymore - because is of dishonesty -- so then she did not wanted this - and I experienced a bit mess within me and I started to burn inside so to speak - or more likely - I started to burn myself with this by reactions -- So I stepped out and started to stop and write and open and forgive things what came up...
It was intense - but about 1000 times less than I experienced when I was before - so it was not that huge, world destroying mindpain - it was simply unpleasant - what? my mind of course - but I experienced it as I can handle and walk through it...
In fact - I wanted this - to face and make apparent mistakes to see what I already accepted and manifested...
So I got this...
Then after one-two months - doing another 21 days dare - I met with an other woman - I found her interesting - she was not that 'bitchy' woman-like as usual women who I liked before - so the 'danger'/'desire' polarity did not rang up within me - and I did not experienced body-sensual-desire - as she was not the usual 'my type' - and I liked this - because I did not went immediately into desire - more likely it was a curiosity so I approached her to a speaking walk with her - without inner movement - simply just breath walk speak -- and it was fascinating - however I experienced something 'wrong' with her from the perspective of experiencing her 'wounded' in that time...
After speaking for hours in a some kind of 'meetings of friends, some were smoked and speaking wisely and spiritually but of nonsense' - I enjoyed her not being involved within this wise-pretending bullshit - but anyway I was like - whatever - it was fascinating...
After months - she approached me about wanting to communicate with me - and then emailing, and then she came to me and spoke 7 hours and then she left.
Next week she came and wanted to get massage at one point and then we ended up in sexual things - not much I had desire for it - of course I had some sort of - but in physical - did not mean anything but distraction - so I breathed through the mind-bullshit and we enjoyed each other...
So then I told her - I am not for romantic moments - more likely self honest agreement where we directly communciate and support each other and starting to build something together - and she liked the idea but I was aware of she have no idea...
She told me that she had intense self-abuse by alcohol recently - and she stopped it completely and she is ready to let go that and actually face - so it was quite reasonable - and we started to meet, speak and do sex...
Okay I will continue next time...