[JTL Day 196] 10. Making Love Visible part 4

Continuing with 10. Making Love Visible part 1 and part 2 and part 3 as a point within my Declaration of Living Principles.

I establish some self-integrity within equalizing will, vision and action with words in regards to the re-definition of LOVE to assist and support me and others in my reality.

Realizing that Love is to give what I would like to receive I commit myself to ensure that I do not hold onto energetic charges, moods, emotions within my expression of love which I realize that it is only real when it is of and as the physical here, visible, touchable, measurable and manifesting consequences what must be what is best for all participants.

Recognizing the ability to talk with kindness, openness I commit myself to not allow any fear to influence me within my interaction with others and if I recognize any fear within my mind, thoughts, body, energies, I stop, I literally stop and I act immediately as any waiting, spending time within the mind-state of hope gives false light as undermining my self-trust, self-direction, self-honesty because I allow forces outside of me to influence, direct me instead of I directly see, decide, act and move breath by breath within responsibility.

I had a moment of reaction about walking this point which was exactly this:

"I'd like to finish this point to walk through and write about other points already, because many things are coming up, should be also expressed, realized, directed, forgiven, changed."

Specificity and sticking to the exact point what I've started is required and recognizing the tendency to not walk through a point until it is clear, not moving, not influencing, not being accepted in any way whatsoever which then manifests time loop, as allowing aspects, dimensions, relationships still existing what has not yet been re-aligned within and as me and then participating within it re-creating the same dishonesties within action which then when recognized would create unnecessary reaction.

Thus I specify further here:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that if I do not walk a point with writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitment until it is entirely here as myself without any thought it is not stopped entirely within me as mind-relationship-behavior-pattern, then I will not be aware fully what I literally participate within which is required to recognize the trigger points, the set and setting to see the pattern before doing it to remember my decision to stop and be able to stop.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that self-forgiveness should and must be absolute specific, practical, real which can be applied in and as the physical in one breath at a time within consistency.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've allowed myself to not walk through points fully until it is stopped within the energetic stimulation, personality influences which then revealing that I do not do it within self-direction but of circumstances which if not existing, I stop applying, I stop stopping, thus not really changing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to write through the patterns of false love within self-forgiveness and self-commitment only and not realizing that writing is the preparation for real living - for be able to learn how to really love and literally make love visible in and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that breathing, forgiving and wording is not enough but I have to move, act and do within stable, consistent expression in order to become one and equal with the words I write, I speak thus becoming the Living Words of Love of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have never loved myself within the fact that I allowed myself to fall into the dishonesty of self-separation from my beingness, my life source substance and within separation creating relationships externally and using those to define, determine, manifest and form and shape me and not realizing that all negative, all hate, all anger I've ever expressed is of because of lack of self-love which can be and should be and will be stopped by stopping existing being defined with relationships separated from me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that self-love starts with quieting myself within, standing up for all life equally and not allowing myself to be possessed with thoughts, feelings, emotions, letting go each and every single inner energetic reactions to not participate anymore yet expressing myself here, visibly, physically directly, breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that making love visible is when I become consistent within self-reliance, self-direction and self-commitment to stop confusion, depression, suppression and projection and taking everything back to self and be responsible for all I can do which starting with living self-forgiveness here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have idea of love which is not related to physical and react to others as 'bullshit' when they I see/define/react with the impression of 'their love is not visible, they do not really love but they are in consciousness mind systems and feeling love, feeling this energy which is not real, not visible, not love' and instead of judging and blaming, I become the living example of visible love which is changing myself from reaction/judgement/blame to direction/expression/movement.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I really want to walk through all past-related delusions what I've referred as love and then realized it is self-dishonesty yet not specifying, not facing directly, not walking into practical change within the fear of change, fear of loss, fear of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not written practical self-forgiveness in relation to my current living, current relationship, current agreement, current opportunity to explore what would really mean visible, physical, real love.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the tendency within my mind to beat around the bush yet accumulating determination to be able to really commit myself to change instead of directly commit and directly change in one moment, one point at a time.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the fact that I've pre-defined love, pre-programmed what would mean love to be and not allowing to walk through these points because still holding onto these ideas of 'love' instead of applying common sense, practical mannerism unconditionally, trusting myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have given permission my memories, my relationships, my definitions, judgements to tell me how to live, how to love, what to live, what to love unconditionally without awareness, without taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to manifest love with my partner to be a fight, a warfare, an energetic polarity manifestation wherein I have to be right, I have to feel good, I have to feel free and I have to be able to do whatever I want in the moment in the name of expectation of acceptance even when it is self-dishonesty with the un-worded contract of the minds of "I accept your dishonesty, you accept mine, this is our love".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from the word of 'compromise' because already believing it means I am falling, I am fallen, I am lost within the accumulation of manifestation of consequence of self-acceptance and allowance of self-dishonesty instead of stopping one breath at a time, one point at a time within self-will, self-trust, self-direction without judging this process, judging how much time points require to realize/stop/change.

I will continue with actual, practical points in my current life.

[JTL Day 186] Facing reactions to Infinity

I continue where I've stopped last time:

http://talamon.blogspot.com/2014/06/jtl-day-185-self-forgiveness-time.html

"So within these 'opening up'-s it is quite obvious that I still am holding onto energetic reactions to specific words, such as 'eternal', 'time', 'calmness', aaaaaaand: 'agreement'.

I shall and thus will be continuing to purify myself from judgments/polarities/emotions/feelings/memories in regards to these words to explore Self-honest, practical living living as these words.


Let's walk the explore of self-acceptance first:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have energetic reactions towards specific words which to I've defined relationship to emerge automatically and never questioning/seeing/realizing how and why I create myself such way and within that in fact not taking responsibility for what I accept myself to be and express and thus not be aware of the consequences of my actions as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a problem with the word 'infinity', 'eternal' as in fact trying to imagine it with my mind but seeing that within my mind I always change, I have in fact no reference for such word thus defining it this already emerging reaction of 'ungraspable, uncertain, unthinkable' and for that as 'unstable, unpredictable, ambigous' and for those words allowing instability within me and then wanting to equate that feeling, that energetic experience with some sort of stability experience and never realizing that what I experience, what in fact I can experience can not be infinity, especially with considering the fact that experience always come and go - thus within all this creating a resonant doubt, worry within me when considering certain points within my life in regards to 'standing or planning or considering' infinity, eternity.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the programes within my reactions always concluding with the same result in regards to the words 'infinity', 'eternity' and never considering that it is something what is already self-accepted and never questioned and never even considered to change within me as taking granted all what I've experienced, defined, reacted before as who I've defined myself to be and never realizing that I constantly generate reaction, friction about these words because there are points within me with what I see that I do not stand as equals thus fearing from remaining this way to 'infinity' reacting with worry, anxiousness as not wanting to exist within such friction for ever and within that not slowing down and applying self-honesty to my self-accepted word-reactions to the common sense that I can change specifically with what I create friction with in my mind and explore what I can LIVE in physical reality with what starting point to prevent myself creating friction within me.

I forgive myself that I have never considered the common sense of for preventing friction, conflict within me I must know what I am within and also I also must understand how facts are in this world and what is the difference and what is the 'surface' of conflict with what specific words, what specific actions triggering energies within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear existing for infinity, eternity as who and how I am today because exactly seeing that I am living in conflict, friction, what would be really unacceptable for ever and when seeing this point, as imagining compressing time and multiplying the very conflicts today I accept, then I have worry, more friction and doubt and within that not allowing myself to really understand this, the conditions, circumstances, consequences and realize the solution to stop, change myself in physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that I've defined infinity as myself floating in endless space and imagining creations, realities to participate within and while reacting and existing in this mind consciousness and believing that for really-long term it is just a simulation and virtualization and imagining myself within this endless, timeless, spaceless substance and considering my current life to that kind of 'perceived' experience, and then reacting with a motivation to better myself and change myself to try to transcend all here and as soon as possible experience myself into spaceless, limitless, timeless, infinite eternal beingness and never considering this as only an image and also this I imagine only for a specific mind-reaction and never questioning what is it and when specifically I image it and thus happening automatically without my direction.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that I've defined infinity and eternity with repetition and emptiness, not realizing that within the mind these words can not be really grasped - only within actual direct REAL physical I can LIVE infinity and eternity thus whenever I define/imagine/think about it - it is not real, it is not me, so I realize the necessity to stop defining, start purifying the reactions and imaginations about it based on polarity.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that I can assist and support myself with the words infinity and eternity with actually see what I do and accept myself existing within and without in regards to a point, a word and asking myself that "Can I accept myself as who I am today within Self-honesty through infinity?"

And if no, then I see what I require to change, specifically what I do requite to live out as change towards accepting myself as this point, in fact as decomposing this self-accepted relationship through thoughts/feelings/emotions and letting go these completely.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that to walk the Process of Self-realization, Self-purification, Self-forgiveness, the Unification of Self I am comfortable with to walk within infinity as realizing this is who I am, yet with certain points, within my practical living I have the reaction and the worry about infinity as not wanting to remain so as I accept myself to be or not wanting to take responsibility for what I currently do for ever and thus realizing this reaction within me is actually assisting me to see what exactly I have separated myself from and what I must stop react to and live the correction as realizing that all I do is Self and all I participate within is in fact the Process of me as all as equal as one as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from making decisions, especially when those are influencing other beings, because of the point of infinity, because of the worry of manifesting consequences for infinity and reacting with uncertainty and within that experience, allowing myself to become this experience instead of realizing the solution to see what it must be changed within me and then assist and support myself to plan and actually LIVE it as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that facing a point within my life what for I do not want or feeling as can not take responsibility for is in fact already a participation with physical consequence and if I allow myself to always, repeatedly, constantly go into reaction and defining myself as this reaction of 'feeling can't take responsibility or even if wanting fearing from falling', instead of seeing what practically this responsibility means and within common sense see what I can do and in fact what I really want and face that decision and live it within certainty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive for being able to make final decisions, to strive to find myself the way that I can decide what to do and what to take responsibility for in a way what I do not change my mind about and then allowing this becoming a desire instead of a practical plan and thus separating an image and likeness of me and actual facts here and thus giving my mind permission to perceive myself more and more separated from reality, in fact myself here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have manifested a polarity within me about the word 'infinity' as having a desire for it with certain things and also having a fear from it with certain things and thus never standing as equal as one but always in relationship with points what I am not standing within equality and oneness but separate from me and never realizing the solution to stop participate within each and live that stopping, expressing myself as direct clarity and if seeing currently not being able then investigating why and how to be able and live that.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I've defined as fearful to chose a partner for 'infinity', meaning standing unconditionally with my decision, with my partner because of not being sure of my decision about her, not being sure about me, not being sure at all and never considering to walk the process for certainty but always accepting this reaction of 'not wanting to commit myself to' and within that in fact 'can not be able' and still 'wanting to' and thus creating friction and compounding reactions instead of stopping.

okay, more specifying will come

Live hangout about Self forgiveness:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYGBxrQxGBg

And about Self-correction:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0tF1IdRmJY

[JTL Day 185] Self-forgiveness: Time, Agreement, Practicality

So, I see how I was busy on focusing on stopping myself and remembering to stop myself when I get busy in the mind and recently facing the fact that I was preparing myself to change from quite some time and I am really stopping I start to realize, actual change, re-creation I do not yet practically walk within my writings, and thus in real time-space thus I start to expand on this practicality with Self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into energies in regards to points what I was not sure - thus not directing myself accordingly, within specificity, but being moved by reactions, being reacted by definitions, being stopped by fear instead of standing up to each and every single points and in the moment let go the fear, see the information holding onto and forgive, let go, and commit and act the change directly and then going to the next point to sort that out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed about the defined quantity of points I am not directing myself within towards and then defining it will take time, it will go slowly and thus not stopping each in each moment because defining something as more important by myself instead of sorting these points out first.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the self-defined priority wanting to focus to things what are not as important as self-dishonesties to correct immediately within the fear of it would take too much time and thus accepting those for long time influencing me instead of taking the time, whatever it takes and sort it out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from re-aligning within self-honesty about a point would take too much time, and currently being busy and defined myself to want to do things thus not sorting out the points and allowing multiple points of self-dishonesties manifest within me to the point of losing presence, but popping attention from one self-accepted point to an other without walking and forgiving and correcting any within the fear of not having enouth time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my calmness as who I am and wanting to keep that instead of facing points within me because defined this calmness as good and preferable instead of being faced with points what I react to and by that reaction in fact accumulating the losing of this calmness.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that fearing from losing calmness and fearing to face points what coming up within me because of defining nervousness and frustration as avoidable and never considering the common sense of sorting out these points as emerge instead of allowing them to remain within and as my beingness and accumulate to the point of losing presence, calmness, just as I've defined myself in the relationship of fear of loss of calmness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to determine and define my state of mind instead of not focusing attention to my mind only to the point of seeing what I am doing within it to correct and thus be comfortable to remain stable when facing my mind because of the direction with what I use it to sort out the relationships what are self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define having time as more important than sorting out self-accepted self-manifested self-dishonesty within my behavior and using as a justification to not need to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to how I feel and disregard what is here, what I speak with somebody when I have the feelings/emotions and then use the feelings to influence, shape my perception and reaction towarsd the another person, even to the degree of not hearing the other here, not hearing myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry of agreeing in something with my partner what I would only do for her not feeling bad and only when already seeing her feeling bad, reacting bad, sad, nervous, frustrated, off-present and then defining that as something what makes me feel nervous, frustrated, off-present-sad and to stop my feelings agreeing with her just to stop my and then her frustration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not specifically, directly, clinically seeing the points what we try to agree about - and using common sense and the equality and oneness and the principle of giving what I would like to receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist to have come to an agreement with the points with my partner, with anyone because that would bring up the points I am not yet principled and fear from conflict not being able to resolve, fear from facing who I really am accepting myself about that point and fear from letting go the self-dishonesty I accept within myself about that point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to let go a point of self-dishonesty within me by agreeing within principled living to a degree of not even seeing that point, not even being aware of that point, just the automated resistances, reactions to face/change it and only care and focus to that reaction and thus being overwhelmed with the accepted/triggered frustration/uncomfortability and just wanting to stop that.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to let go all what I see/experience/feel in and as my mind by establishing an agreement with someone and having projectons/blames/worries about the agreement as an extra point coming up, in fact unrelated to that point but another worry coming up and not being able to remain focused to that specific, firstly chosen point to agree on how to stop the dishonesties about in practiaclity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump around the same worry/concerning points about establishing an agreement by -when hearing or facing the practical point of agreement -, always feeling all the worries I am accepting about all the points without actually seeing those, without actually being aware what exactly I do within fighting for my limitation to be able to exactly see what I need to stop and figure out how.

I commit myself to not just write self-forgiveness on deciding to use the tools within writing, but actually in writing to prepare what I am going to do - scripting up the solution literally before facing it - thus continue with my decision and the common sense within actual time-space to support me and others in my reality.

I commit myself to STOP the worry on agreeing on something what I am not absolutely sure about it and realizing what I agree with someone does not have to be 'eternal' - just for a while until our agreement stands - and I commit myself to worry of letting 'backdoor' within my commitment about when I would feel uncomfortable by giving into the temptation of wanting exit and realizing it is about self-honesty and practically live self-support for all participants, not roman law and I can even enjoy it to actually pushing my limits and keeping and living my words.

So within these 'opening up'-s it is quite obvious that I still am holding onto energetic reactions to specific words, such as 'eternal', 'time', 'calmness', aaaaaaand: 'agreement'.

I shall and thus will be continuing to purify myself from judgments/polarities/emotions/feelings/memories in regards to these words to explore Self-honest, practical living living as these words.

[JTL 96] Stop Energy Motivation Part 2

This is the continuation of

• [JTL 94] Stop Energy Motivation Part 1

  
It is to realize that by stopping actually I do not mean forcing myself to stop within an image and likeness of 'what is best for all' by 'giving up' my dreams, desires, but within Self-investigation(what is by itself proves that I do not know who I am, how I've became who I do not know who am I), exploring Self-intimacy, Self-honesty I am realizing that all what I 'contain' as memories, motivations, desires, images and pictures and ideas of who I want to be or should be are based on Self-dishonesty, fear and are conditioned to energetic states of my mind, as induced by thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Many times it already happened: what I dreamed of and wanted so badly, by circumstances I did let it go and then it came and I got it - for instance several musical instruments - and then I've perceived myself as 'changed' and 'not interested that much anymore that to actually go for it' then it was just here and that also influenced me.

This whole spiritual agenda within what 'you just wish for it and be positive and the mind is a wish-making jewel, just if you are on your path, all your dreams will be fulfilled' - so then I've fallen into self-definition by this idea:
-to get something I do let it go and then it will come back anyways - and when it comes, it is 'mine' anyway and then I realize it is not really me, yet it is here, and still I react to it therefore it is of and as me anyways as energy relationship within my mind.

And then I tried to just 'let go things and then I will get it if I really let them go' - but that is completely changed already.

As this spiritual agenda was really for me like this: to find emptiness in everything is actually find the emptiness within me about everything, meaning all I had was not real, empty, made-up by thoughts, feelings, emotions but then those stopped, changed, then the thing I was on to find out it is 'empty' - my relationship with it in my mind - as it formed, it's gone - so all that part of me was then defined as 'empty'.

And that emptiness is not real, but defined by self's relationship so in a greater perspective it is obviously not empty, I am not empty but tainted, infested with the relationship to the definition of emptiness. Strange but it is not self-honest.

Because to say everything, everyone is empty: it is a definition - my stomach can be empty - but in relation to my mind - if I am empty ABOUT IT - I must be equal and one with it because there is no inner movement, no inner definition, judgment, feeling, nothing - so then I am undefined about it, I have no 'relationship' with it in and as the mind so I can be here as it is and be directly equal and one with it without the mind.

So then for me the 'emptiness' would mean as a definition to it's relationship to the mind what is kind of swampy area to explore if we are not using common sense, because if we do, certainly it is already a philosophical bullshitting instead of get real and be practical about it: I am here, if I am reacting, I am not here but of judgment, of past as Self-dishonesty because the already existing relationship within and as self, projected to the ob-sub-ject I experience myself reacting to.

So then the motivation within and as myself towards these relationships I form and create, maintain and participate within is who I am in and as the so to speak beingness of me: this I've realized quite some years ago as 'empty', 'illusion' - and therefore I was after some methodologies, ways to manifest and stabilize this realization simply by remaining undefined, aware of the breath etc.

That is being offered by many these spiritual agendas, many -ism, who claim they have this practical knowledge to forge manifested realizations by this seed of awareness of 'emptiness' within ourselves however after doing some Desteni Education one can easily pick up the lack of common sense, the nonsense and contradiction within these 'teachings'.

I used to enjoy a video 'the guru hunter' who goes to India and does this 'demon hunt' from screwed women from who he pulls the demon out and does tricks like blood comes from eggs etc then everyone believes him and after it he exposes himself as trick-con-man doing simple tricks what uneducated people sees as magic.

So anyone wants to become able to expose illusion, con-men, lame gurus and false masters should join Desteni Courses as within walking that one can unlearn the fog of mind and learn common sense and Self-honesty and explore what is real, what is possible and what would be the practical solutions which is in fact mathematically could be proven as what is best for all.

As long I do not understand how my motivations, desires, dreams are ticking within me - I am just a reaction machine to outer circumstances.

Weaknesses I call these however within being Self-honest and to write down these and see them in front of myself and acknowledging - I am already one step ahead to stop the self-automation by starting to have QUESTIONS: WHY am I reacting to this with that?
What is this energy what motivates me, within me?

And then I realize that was based on a memory, an experience, wherein I had so much energies running through my mind and body and that the mind measures, takes samples, stores it with relationship to words, pictures, memories and then layer by layer, condition by condition, reaction by reaction, definition by definition: Personality has born, Character was born, EGO was created as this idea of Self, a religion within believing and fear from losing is actually me and from the energy motivation I FEEL - the same way it FEELS as me, I feel right to have human right to actually have believing within me and who I perceive myself to be but when I start to apply the Desteni tools, Self-honesty, writing, Self-forgiveness and walk what comes next to See, Realize, Forgive, I explore what I am accepting and allowing - then common sense is to stop, as it is of systems, all of systems we have became and then by this - as it is a skill, anyone who can deal with the simple math of 1+1=2 can walk Self-honesty and accumulate Self-realization.

So then I do not 'give away', 'let go' my 'desires' and I do not 'see and define' myself and my relationships as 'empty' and then I do not resign, renounce, but I simply realize it was never really me, the whole starting point, the reaction, the automation, the physical beingness I've formed about it was not who I really am, therefore it is simply common sense to stop.
And if there is force to stop, like - I want to have that thing or this woman but I know it is not right yet I am compelled to almost do what I know I should not and then I force myself to stop: it is still not Self-honesty - it is self-manipulation by the very thing I want to realize as not myself but still holding to: energy.

So then when it is natural, disciplined(because at times requires, for instance with addictions) to put my discipline, focus, the motivation to the experience where I see that I am being tempted with - with Self-dishonesty then I realize the motivation what I am still being defined is not really me, so then I re-define motivation, re-define myself based on the fact that I am in and as a reality wherein there are billions, trillions of beings where if my motivation does not include all what is here, I am separated from what is here, I am separated from myself, so then I motivate myself by practically considering in and as this very situation I am currently: What is best for all?

For instance when facing sexual desire - just to have somebody to have sex with, to have somebody to get physical, to let go this energetic compound of 'need to have sex to release this tension, to let go of stress' etc - then what would be best for all? To let go this energy somehow? Or considering to PREVENT it to manifest?

To even consider how and why in the first place I've created this 'need', 'desire'? And not if that is 'bad idea' to have a partner to do physical tenderness without limit but with what starting point for what result?

To just get steam off and feel good and have satisfaction? If there is someone who can agree with it and finds comfortable, why not? Why don't just then do it and have awesome experience with someone and when both feeling FANTASTIC, then coming along, be together and do it as it is good for both, then should be then: best for all!

Well, I would not stop here and continuing self-realization to is this enough, what do I expect from my partner and what I actually give and what would be the really best for her? Well, for me it could not mean just to please each other, especially when seeing that it is just for feelings, what are self-created, energetic mind-entities in order to compensate the harshness of physical reality within what many of us directly being abused, destroyed meanwhile many-many people are 'just feel good' together and say 'we are in love, alright, we feel good about each other, everyone should do the same, it's awesome!' - meanwhile many are even unable to drink water enough to remain alive.

So then the Self-honesty would mean to see priorities: what is more important, my feelings, and my partner's feelings about my feelings, or to actually head on reality and investigate practical solutions.

Well within Self-honesty it is also obvious that solutions for all from where we, as humanity stand today, then one might consider her/his location today currently and where is the stability point that to actually remain effective, meanwhile to be with someone, yet not just in a bubble of self-interest feel of love about the partner, family, mates - which obviously seems logical as priority, especially to parents - who are little gods for their kids.
But the responsibility is not ends here, and one can expand within Awareness and Responsibility, oneself, family, friends, country, the planet, existence - and if one finds out that at this moment have the capacity to take care only about the money what is required for family to eat properly - well that's it but within Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, Self-change one can change reality.

So then to find the balance and equality within all aspects of ourselves and life without having stressed, but not mind-blessed with energy as addicted to feel good - it is already a tough challenge in this current human system.

So then I check motivation, I check reactions, I check my location and I re-align if I see I am not who I want to be and if I do not understand, if I am confused, if I am unsure, I sit down and write it out all with no judgment, no fear to see what I am accepting and allowing - and then I see what must be done, stopped, removed from me, especially the addiction towards feel good because there is something within already for needing this, it's like an inherent, self-accepted nature of myself of by default feeling bad for needing to feel good more than by default.
And then I investigate, I share - this is not who I really am, only currently, maybe today - and then I change.

I have this energy moving within what tries to direct me to go and just form sexual relationship with someone, I do not accept this as myself, I do not really want to just have sex with someone just because I have this urge to do sex - because if I see myself - I not just want sex, I want care, equality, support, agreement - so then to just go out and have sex - will not be this, well, maybe, but highly unlikely.

So then I face the next question how to establish effective agreement with somebody, am I ready for that? I had this for years 'feeling' 'I am not ready' - and then overwhelmed by sexual desire towards images, pictures, mostly induced by porn and movie industry - I was like, I am ready, I should do it meanwhile all what I've formed with different individuals had the starting point of what moved towards it.

And it is still not 'bad' - but if I know it, I should be aware of what it will become, as starting point, consequence - and then anticipate and see - do I have agreement with myself first about it? And then can I agree with somebody on it which can be practical in this 3d physical world? That is common sense.

My relationship was around this sex thing what is cool however I tried to pretend it is not and when there were sexual temptations I was shaking(not physically, but as standing within agreement) because of that - so then by walking Agreement Course I have realized, still realizing what is my starting point, what do I really want, not just energy, and consequence of relationship with motivation and energy manifested as sexual desire, but actually what I would really want if I would be free of energy motivations moving me temporary. So then I have realized so much already what I do not want - which is at least equally important to what I want - and then to say no to that it is not that hard anymore. Because feeling of energy will not last - I want consistency which is not of energy for sure as energy is of conditions, definitions, feelings, what is self-interest if not considering all life.
Even when it is about a one night stand with somebody who even is a beautiful woman but for what I really want, not just energy fix, it is not who I really am, so to say no is not like 'very hard' if I can consider more than my feelings only. I do not say one night stands and spontaneous stuff is bad, I do not define it - if I participate, then I participate - some say I should - some say I should not - for me for quick fix it could work, as it did some times, but for long term I rather walk Self-forgiveness and stop the energetic mind for long term, that is my fix and then the more I do, the more I am able to see more far than my energetic mind, even supporting others as myself as equal as one.

That is what I wanted to share around, as the comments in the previous post: that when I realize what moves me is not really me, to let go is not uneasy - when it is uneasy, it is still the journey of understanding what I have allowed myself to became, even when I am already aware of what must be done, manifested, stabilized, such as not thinking when I wake up, not thinking when I take a shower, not thinking while considering my days ahead, not thinking while going to work, definitely not thinking while working, speaking with others, but directly be here, honest, expressing every detail of my beingness what is in the moment and having the direct presence here, with others, with reality, not in the mind, not through thoughts, definitions, concerns, fears, desires, pictures - those are the past -- sometimes cool to look back and have a retrospective review of myself and see who I am here, but while in and as the day, in action - there is no place of inner judgments.

And when it is 'feels like' physically compelled to react, then it is already physically manifested as systems as physical mind, then it is to accumulate Self-direction to stand equal and one with and as Self here and to Breathe, to Stop, to not participate and let it go in every moment, while thoughts arise: those are the signs of inner separation - and in this phase of stopping - I am becoming more and more here, back to reality, wherein each moment actually is and thinking is in the secret room, while action is physical.

It's like a kung fu, or commando or plane pilot thing: if you think for a second, so much things happen in that second that even for reacting to one thought: you are completely out of context, of moment, of flow of presence, consistent awareness and the consequence is always accumulates.

So that is my point today, to do not stop investigating reasons, starting points, WHY-s until it is clear what I want, is this aligned with 'What is best for all?' because otherwise inner reactions will arise and that is the sign of Self-dishonesty.

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My reaction after 6 seconds writing this down in one session:
-shall I review it, shall I re-read it, what if there is typo, what if my English made me write something what is not even understandable, what if I wrote too much gossip and not direct Self-support?
Well then it is not a thought either - I push it here, everything is here - myself and the keyboard, the screen, physical, I am here - and then this 'space of thoughts' become the space of 'reality' meanwhile I am empty.
So then I forgive myself that I have this inner reactions, what I pushed here and yet still energy moves within - and then I must say that I know how good it feels this energy, after long years of mind-blowing drugs and lots mind sex I know, when this energy moves can feel so right - but within Self-honesty - there is difference when this energy is in fact fear - sophisticated separation from physical, from body, from self is this energy and the very reason of separation from here is fear, so this energy that's why feels good, easy joy, self-made up, the greatest con-science, our own Mind-Consciousness as we are able to program our own mind with words and reactions to these in relationship to anything to just feel good, see the rapist, the abuser, the sadist: they all say: it feels good, based on thoughts, mind.

And then there is a second layer, by these writings there is some energy moving, around solar plexus - suppression, automatic reaction - that is also me - that is also significant, that I am not even entirely aware: that is manifested fear what must be investigated. As this energy also will compound. And the personality I've formed and created by learning from others, parents, school, media is how I deal with energy: doing sex to release, doing drugs to charge out, having sport, doing more job, spending money or whatever the person had formed with energy and to deal with, produce, have relationship with feelings, energy: is what must be in relation to practical understanding and effective accumulation towards What is Best for All.

So then there is what Bernard wrote about personal process, to deal with inner energies of mind, of feelings, of self-stability, then head on and deal with interpersonal as agreements with partner, others, family, workspace - and then there is the universal process: wherein facing world-wide systems of energy, such as economics, politics, military, environmental, animal kingdom, ecology, the whole planet - that is another level of energy and all in are equal and one relationship therefore in every moment one is aligned with the Principle of 'Give as you would like to receive' - then it is What is best for all - and when is not then there is a problem, energy compounds, what cause friction, conflict, abuse, destruction on personal, interpersonal, universal level on the same mathematical equation what is always 'counts': 1+1=2.

That is why here we promote Effective Solutions as Equal Money, Living Income Guaranteed, what could be pretty common sense, meaning being able to sensed, felt commonly in a very practical way of and as the principle of 'No Man Left Behind' as Thou Shalt Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself.
And remember: this should be pretty obvious and if it is not, then you are not able to apply Common Sense, therefore remediation, re-education, unlearning, re-aligning is required which is also provided by Destonians who already realized what is really the priority, not based on feelings of self-interest only but of all's interest:

• Desteni I Process Lite, to learn to change and trust Self-honesty as Life as ourselves
• Desteni I Process Pro for the ones who are dedicated to be responsible for Education, Leadership
• Desteni I Process Agreement Course to find out what is Agreement with Self, with Partner and those who are effective within it since decades have built this course to share their realizations within walkable lessons to realize what we really want and why we really want to become

[JTL 69] Self-forgiveness: workplace part 1

Problem:
This came up while working on my regular Agreement Course assignment so walking about this today here:
I have inner reactions at workplace regarding to money and people when I am not pushing I do not experience presence but inner reactions arise what is kind of automatic and I follow/allow/suppress/distract.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/judge that I go into workplace every weekday only for money meanwhile if the money would be the most important, then I would really focus on researching/experimenting/working on expanding my income within self-direction and specificity.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to my current workplace and by that I use the polarity to not realize that in fact I've been attached to the place, people, my habits according to that meanwhile what is my starting point is to make money but I did not push, actually not pushing that as self-direction therefore a frustration I experience what I balance with the judgment that I am there only for the money and to not actually look and experience what I am doing there because then I would see that in fact I am there because of self-judgment of pleasantness, of fear from losing what I have and fear from change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want different job but fearing that I can not pay my regular bills towards to my commitments I've defined it is the default and without workplace I can not have money for that therefore I must stay at workplace and not realizing that I can change workplace MEANWHILE having job and salary continuously if I act accordingly within common sense, self-consistency and self-will based on motivating myself to keep up income and expand meanwhile still considering my interest in terms of what kind of job I would actually enjoy and do without complaining.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I could be great leader meanwhile not doing it but whenever I think it I consider that I could be good but when I am being offered as senior or directing others position I complain, I pull back or even when i see the opportunity to direct and take lead or start something what with others can join within my direction - I hesitate, I procrastinate, I want to plan it more and more within the fear that I might fail and not realizing that I can expand within learning from mistakes but until I do not move, I will remain just as like I am here - considering, yet not acting and exploring, changing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being rude and raw with others within directing myself and do what I want because I use the excuse and justification that if I do what is my interest - regardless of what is it - I will make others have pain and uncomfortable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from pushing others out of their comfort zones within the self-interest of not wanting to be pushed from my own comfort zones and believing that then it is enough to get what I want and in fact not really wanting this but fearing from not being accepted if I do so and I want to have and use people but fearing if I do not consider their comfort, they will not work with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my relationships with co-workers as not deep because at any time I can leave or they can leave the company and then handling it as just like on a road trip - I meet with them, we talk, and that's it, but refusing their invitations to party, to collaborate, to be friendly and using excuses that I do not have time, only when my interest is great within what they offer for instance filming something what I find interesting, usable, nice, rare etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge co-workers in terms of how they are limited and programmed and not realizing that in the moment of judgment projection I am being exposed as self-dishonest to myself by the perceived separation created by myself within the excuse of 'them' and not reflecting that back to myself who is the origin and the source of that judgment.
I forgive myself that I have not been self-honest with myself and with my co-workers, my senior in terms of how I enjoy working within what tempo and how I am effective and how difficult is when I do follow their rhythm and meanwhile not even considering to investigate my reactions, tiredness but accepting it as limitation and try to avoid it - and not using common sense about what is real and what is the most practical way to be effective and sharing it and stopping fear.
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think over and over again that I should use my abilities more practically for more money and for more important and more interesting thing that working for pennies for this company and then thinking like a 'balancing out' as well as 'I have to be careful to not lose consistent income for my regular commitments with money' meanwhile I participate within self-judgment, fear, hope and not realizing that I am polarized and from one extreme I go to an other and only within mind meanwhile I am not here, I do not change anything physically but swirling within conflicts through and as thoughts of what I should or should not do and not considering that what I think is not real, not relevant, is of and as my past as mold of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like and think as 'I feel like choked in the office as there is no air and my eyes become sore' yet I want to wait and hope for this to be solved and since a long while it does not therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the energetic temptation of hope and procrastination for not needing to change, to face unknown but suppress what I feel yet accept and not direct within common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that colleagues are cool yet they are not here to expand limits and their minds and therefore I can not really speak about these things with them - meanwhile not realizing that I mix up within projection by judging them, and projecting my experience towards them and then defining them by that and then limiting myself how to express myself with them based on my judgment what is self-dishonesty hidden.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the guys at workplace sometimes think that I am crazy and strange and weird because I change habits fast meanwhile they seem to behave always the same way what makes me wonder how they do and why- meanwhile I project self-judgments towards them and by that I experience themselves believing that I know what I see however I only see myself as not reflecting back all judgments towards myself and stop and directly experience them undefined as they are because in the moment of judgment I hide from self-judgment and not realizing that the very act of self-judgment projected to others is in fact a hideout from how I see and why I see myself in a way what I do not want to face, change, transcend, let go.

to be continued...

[JTL 30] Self-correction on fearing from consequences

I continue with preparing myself within self-corrective statements to take responsibility for the consequences I face regarding to crying and fear from changing.

•  [JTL 28] Self-forgiveness fear from consequences: crying

I commit myself to not go into the pattern of guilt when someone is crying to me.
I commit myself to actually look at the facts and reality about what really happened and what was my involvement within the fact that someone ended up crying to me.
I commit myself to not fear from facing consequences but realizing that what is done is done but in the moment, each moment, consistently within every moment I can make a difference to not manifest the consequence what I am responsible for.
I commit myself to fear from being with someone because of making the other crying with what I do or with what I do not do and I commit myself to transform all my relationships within and without based on principled walking within equality practically.
I commit myself to stop a self-dishonest pattern what I realize by using the tools provided by desteni such as self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, self-commitments unconditionally without any reason but for standing as the living word, as the living forgiveness within and as the flesh.

When and as I face reality within someone is crying, especially when crying to me I remain clear, calm, breathing, present and open without the fear that I might react emotionally, without the fear of being influenced.
When and as I realize that someone is crying to me that I am responsible for bad feelings and suffering, I remain calm, present, I use common sense that what I can do for solving this problem what I am involved to without the emotional waves of fear, guilt, remorse within as I am realizing that I face consequences for what I've done or what I haven't done within the past and only within this specific moment I can change, I can make a difference.

When and as I fear from engaging into a relationship because of not being stable for doing so - I realize I can change, I can walk equal and one agreement with myself and by living that and expressing towards others - I can stop participate within patterns what with I abuse others or myself - so then I use writing, I use common sense and I use self-correction and self-commitment and scripting to specifically PREVENT shit to happen.

When and as I fear from losing myself and not keeping my word and not acting according to what I say - I stop, I breathe, I re-align myself with and as the words I speak - and if I said something what I do not see as the best for all participants then I do not fear from 'I have to do it because I've said so' - because that is of energy and by energy I am manipulating and enforcing myself - so then I make decisions what I can live and walk without energy, without conditioned, contextual thoughts, feelings emotions reactions and by those energetic movements charging specific personalities within and by that acting according to words I react to - instead of I stand here, I simplify myself here, I breathe, I stick to the principles of absolute self-honesty, presence, writing, self-correction, self-forgiveness and only engaging into agreements if fear comes from a particular topic to participate within such as sexual-relationship.

When and as I fear from rebound with my someone who I've had relationship, I stop, I breathe - I realize I fear from facing the manifested consequence, and I fear from not getting what I've defined getting by that particular relationship, and then I use common sense and I see what is the best for me and for all participants and if wanting to engage, I make sure that the basic, default things are clear and we agree on specific words what by we live and be together and if that does not happen, I do not expect, I do not react, I do not hope, but I do not engage to make sure that I prevent any emotional shit to happen.

When and as I start to follow thoughts within and then another thought, I stop, I breathe, I realize I am within fear - I do not see it through so then using systems to think instead of myself being fully aware of the situation to act within one singular breath the best for all participants - so then I realize I have already formed relationships within parts of the manifested system I face - and then I naturally disengage and let go all the relationships I hold onto within and as myself such as thoughts, feelings and emotions towards things outside of me.

When and as I fear from enjoying the moment with someone, even with my partner, I realize I do not need to fear, I can be myself and still I can remain self-directive without the fear of losing myself within fear or desire - and when I would do so - I stop, I breathe, I re-align myself and stick to the self-agreement within such as daily writing and keeping my words and take responsibility for what I do and say as equal as one.

When and as I fear from being judged by anyone because of the way I've decided to live my life - I stop reacting with fear and wanting to have more and more reason and clues for what I am able to decide so - I stop - I am self-decision, self-will, self-direction and I trust myself even if all the humanity would judge me as bullshit - if I see that it is clear and self-honest within me - I remain stable, calm, directive and walk my breath one step at a time and every time I become unsure, I stop for a moment, I let everything go within and when I am inner silent again, I walk again.

When and as I fear from being myself, and fear from being extremely expressive, I stop, I breathe, I realize I've been holding myself back in my entire life so I must give the moments to myself to let go and let everything out without the fear of being judged and the fear of harming others - so within moments of anxiety and frustration I realize I can be myself naturally without any reason and energy - I am simply here I am myself as breath, I am expression, I am flesh, I am life.

When and as I fear from enjoying the moment because of having a particular memory about 'when the last time I had this, that shit happened' - I stop, I let it go, I realize this moment is this moment, that moment was that moment - yet I use common sense, so I do not try to not see what is obvious, and I trust myself within that and I trust myself within the moment even if it means that making an apparently judge-able mistake for a couple of times - I rather trust myself within moment than making an other rule within myself based on fear and context and memory.

When and as I suppress emotions I stop and I realize it is because I fear from expressing myself and I fear from being responsible for the reason I am generating the emotions - by other or by myself - so within the suppression - I realize I am suppressing myself and systematizing myself and later on myself as moment will not be expressed but the systematized self-definitions will take over and try to equate the systematizing act of self-suppression through thoughts, emotions, feelings and energies what is certainly not life, so I do not suppress myself, rather seeing the core of self-suppression and the reason for not allowing myself to trust myself in the expression as myself - and then investigating that as myself and see what would be the best outcome for myself and for all participants within common sense.

When and as I feel that I am having good feelings, I realize I am energizing myself regarding to self-judgments and definitions, and by that I am not directly in and as the moment but of self-definitions, of self-fear, of being obsessed with one part of the reality, the polarity what I've defined that I am made for feeling myself good and never questioning that within what feels good is based on how I've allowed myself or did myself to program myself based on my interest - and that I can stop, I can transform into direct self-expression wherein I can experience self-enjoyment without the judgments of feeling good.

When and as I feel bad, I realize I am generating inner reactions what I've defined as negative and then I have the tendency to want to generate and participate within things what I've defined as positive and by that wanting to equate and balance and overcome the negative within and as my mind what is entirely not real, and by that I do not directly face the reality what I react to as 'negative' but I just want to make myself to feel good and never considering to changing myself and solving to stop the thing what is happening as being defined as 'negative' or even it is really negative or it is just opposed my currently self-defined self-interest.

When and as I use blame for someone who is apparently suffering from me because she(or he) did not take my words seriously, I realize it is not about words, it is about the physical actions I do and the consideration of what is already here yet not being defined by what is here.

When and as I fear from others blaming me - I realize I fear from responsibility - because if the blame is real so that I am responsible - it is not blame, but assisting and supporting me to realize my responsibility - and if it is just blame for what I am not responsible - then there is nothing to fear from because it is not my issue, but the other is facing the mind as manifested self and then I can remain clear, calm, here.

When and as someone is saying to me that I am responsible - I use common sense and realize that it is not about automatically believe and react but it is about reality and common sense - so then if I am present as clear inside and breathing - I can see that am I responsible, can I directly solve that? And if so then I take full responsibility and I commit myself to do whatever it takes to solve it to stop my relationship within myself with the self-judgments of regret and shame and fear from being responsible yet not doing anything and realizing that I can actually do something.

When and as I see that someone is stating that I am responsible for something what I have done or not done - and I see that I can not solve it, the manifested consequence is here, regardless of what I do or not - I do not regret, I do not go into emotional waves of shame - but I transform that realization into self-direction of direct and practical awareness that I am making sure that I take responsibility to PREVENT that to happen again and I do not fear from making the same mistake again but I prepare myself within writing, within scripting and self-forgiveness.

When and as I fear from going into a relationship with someone with no agreement - I realize it is because of desires drive me, because of fear drive me, because of shame drive me - and I stop, I breathe, I re-align myself with the principles - and if I fear from going into an agreement with someone - because it might not work - then I stop myself fearing by realizing what I fear to lose or what I fear to manifest and how actually I can be responsible and how actually I can make a difference and how I can talk and discuss with that with the person I want to - and if not possible to direct that into direct communication, then I'd just skip that and realize - I must make myself clearly expressed that I only go into agreement, if everything is clear and agreed and kept - otherwise it will not stand the time.

When and as I fear from going into an agreement - I realize that first things first - I walk through Desteni I Process Agreement Course and by that I form a Self-agreement and then when I can walk that - I can explore expanding that with someone else - but until that - I stick to the basics, and I stick to the course and common sense and I explore how I can walk self-agreement and what I do require to agree with myself in order to remain effective within society and expand myself within equality and oneness without the fear of 'too much' and 'not enough'.

When and as I fear from going into agreement before I am ready for that - I realize I can still be within a sexual relationship by agreeing on specific things what both can agree on - and if I am unstable because of this not being effective - then I might re-align myself and communicate with the other to solve it - or I might consider to stop the relationship because inner quietness and effective self-honest walk of the mind within self-honesty is the priority - and it is not about exploding shit within ourselves all the time to 'try to expose and stop all the self-dishonesties at the same time' because then the reactions will wash my presence away and consistency can not be stabilized what is not common sense.

When and as I consider to walk with someone who is not Destonian - not using the tools of self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-writing, self-commitment, self-correction within common sense - that is a decision what I can respect - and by that I can respect myself and the other as equal as one and realizing it is not about bullying the other to be the way I want to be - but seeing my mind and stopping my mind - and if the walk with the non-destonian is making me constantly falling and trying to pick myself up again - is not effective - then I might consider to re-align myself and if even that does not work, then I must let go the other and the relationship and the need for walking with such person.

When and as I fear from walking with a non-destoninan a relationship/agreement - I realize I fear from facing myself within the very system I am exposed to and fearing from not being able to stand within the same manifestation of the system within small - within what I've always existed to and not realizing that there is a desire to be influenced by destonians when I am not walking the destonian walk such as stick to self-forgiveness, self-honesty, writing, sharing unconditionally and by those moments wanting to be conditioned to re-gain and reinforce my stability within using the tools by forces outside of me and not realizing that I can do that to myself directly without the external influences.

When and as I judge myself that I am not 'progressing' within self-direction and self-honesty and the process of stopping the mind and wanting to boost it, wanting to 'progress faster' - I realize that it is because I am not consistently using the tools as myself as self-honesty, self-forgiveness, writing - every day therefore my judgment that I do not progress enough is meaning that I am not walking within consistency by not doing the tools every day unconditionally - and by judging that - wanting to solve it without actually writing every day - so then I re-align myself with what I decided to do so and progress effectively - every day.

When and as I judge myself that 'today I've written my Agreement Course assignment, so then I've already done my 'self-honest-walk' part, I do not need to deal with the issues today I am facing' - I realize it is diversion - and in fact fear - fear from not being able to have enough time - not specifically to something but just being able to 'judge myself to have an abstract enough time' because when I've defined myself not having enough time' in fact I am not disciplined to use time effectively therefore judging myself and not actually changing myself.

When and as I see a point within myself as issue - I write it to my blog and I walk through it - and not fearing from 'it will be too long to walk through so I'd just skip it' - then I compress it, I do not scratch around it but directly facing and directly writing about the self-dishonesty, the core - and even with some sentences I can assist and support myself to transform myself day by day.

When and as I judge myself that other destonians wrote dozens of pages every day and I want the same - I realize it is not about the quantity, it is not about others, it is about myself and about assisting and supporting myself within consistency and if I am being frustrated by not being able to be consistent - I realize it is because at days I am skipping writing - and if I have an issue about it, then I should write about 'having an issue why not writing every day' specifically by realizing - I can use the tools to anything within myself what I am not equal and one as life within.

[JTL 16] Self-responsibility: weed, relationship, energy part 1

Journey to life blog - walking myself into consistency and stability step by step.

This is the continuation of Taking Self-responsibility:

    [JTL] Day 10 - Re-defining Responsibility part 1

From my current Agreement Course Lesson Assignment, I've written this part trough and this should be shared:
http://talamon.blogspot.com/2013/02/jtl-day-11-coming-down-to-earth-from.html
I've stopped alcohol and drugs at least about 5 years ago - as within Self-honesty: it's obviously fucking me in the head and the body and it's in the way of Self-Unification as Life to Really Change the System as Myself as Equal as One within the interest of What is Best for All.

And as I've said with ACID, it is not the weed what has problem or GOOD or BAD - it is my starting point according to weed - and from the perspective of Self-honesty, it does not really matter that the topic is substances, desire or fear - all the same - I've smoked weed for a while and I do not judge that, I do not even fuck myself with the energetic hammering of 'NEVER' - but if I smoke it, it's obvious that I accept myself as self-limitation. So I've simply do not participate.

If my decision is real, then it is not really of circumstances - because then when those change, I face the fact that my decision was not real but of consequence.

Consciousness is really a programmable consequence machine and who tries to originate self from that concept - is lost beyond any measure - here in this blog I walk the re-alignment as LIFE so today let's walk the Physical process of changing starting point from energetic consciousness systematic reactions to actual Birthing as the Living Word as the Breath of Life.

So when I've started to transform my already existing relationship with my partner towards an equal and one Agreement - at points I've accepted and allowed reactions to compound me and I could not handle and I was afraid of failing the agreement and that was quite a reason why I've started to 'bridge' moments when I could not remain within our walk with my partner but then I've re-created a habit of smoking and not really dealing with the starting point with common sense within the consideration of all participants.

So @ times the weed I've smoked, this was an accepted self-definition since quite some time; always with an apparently brilliant excuse and justification - and I am walking trough this within the Desteni I Process : Agreement course and it is assisting and supporting me beyond any measure - but in reality - I must be the DECISION to physically CHANGE and that starts with self-study and self-investigation within Self-honesty.



And by writing Self-forgiveness, I am becoming aware what I actually accept and allow - and taking responsibility, taking directive power as Life, not as self-programmed, self-contained, self-deluded, programmable self-happiness-generator-energy-machine but as considering ALL what is here undefined within common sense. So I stick to the simplest practical solution - walking trough words what I automatically react to within Self-honesty.

What was a tremendous support is this Life Review Interview: The Weed Smoker.

So let's face some self-accepted consequence:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to take drugs when something or everything is too much and instead of investigating with common sense, I want to break through or suppress down or walk away or get high with things what I've defined as getting me high for instance chocolate, coffee, weed or any sugar or eating or arousal or woman can make me energize and activate specific personalities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to depend energy outside of me because then still I am not fully responsible for what I act and how I act but I am being directed and influenced according to circumstances beyond my direction therefore there is always a point where I can project responsibility and not me here being fully self-responsible within allowing myself to transcend drugs once and for all and enjoying being here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from myself here facing me without taking the drug and not wanting to realize that I must change and resonantly fearing from change from losing who I've defined myself to be and that I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that this is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with defining specific expressions of me only I can access when I take specific drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realizing that any reason and justification appears within my head is not real, is of my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflict within me regarding to smoking or not smoking and fearing live my decision regardless of any justification.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define smoking weed is acceptable if I am self-honest and wanting to bridge out the shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use weed and say it is for painkiller's substitution, because it is a great painkiller.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself in terms of why I smoke weed when I smoke weed because then I would realize that I suppress, that's why I smoke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I feel tired and wanting to smoke and then when smoking, feeling not tired anymore: is energy what I've defined myself to be therefore I am dependent on it, I am not the directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with smoking actually I can make better music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use making and playing music as a justification for why I smoke weed and not being self-honest with myself in terms of the energetic addiction regarding to weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from losing the people around me if I would say I do not smoke again so by the stuff I glue myself socially that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do require to do things for people to accept me instead of myself accepting myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use that as a justification for not taking it ever more: because I was able to stop it for 3 years, so anytime I can do it again, instead of living this knowledge in all moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a reason to smoke as meeting with ex-partner and experiencing conflict and become nervous and anxious about it what I want to suppress because apparently I could not 'resolve'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by smoking weed I mistify the relationship I have with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus to weed relationship instead of focusing to self-relationships with myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest in terms of daring to see the real reasons why I smoke weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must accumulate energy in order to decide something what seems to be difficult instead of questioning any self-definition starting with the word ‘difficulty’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve decided to smoke weed to feel strange and different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to have a control in my life in terms of with what I can control myself and my relationship with the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the want and desire towards my ex-partner who with we ended our relationship/agreement-walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to acknowledge that I feel failed within my last attempt to manifest an agreement with the partner I wanted to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing the facts what with I am responsible for not manifesting an equal and one and supporting and nurturing agreement with ex-partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when it is too much with my partner or ex-partner or even future-partner – that when I experience shit, then believing that I cannot stop it but I must suppress it with substances instead of using common sense and the tools to walk through and communicate with my partner within the starting point of absolute-self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to use smoking weed to not face myself but triggering an energetic self-defined state wherein I perceive only part of myself what seems to be calm and peaceful and energetic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a self-defined relationship with myself what I’ve defined about who I am but in fact it is a self-defined relationship what I react to as defining as too intense and wanting to suppress to not be able to be aware of myself because then I would be frustrated and then I would change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a weed-effect aura within I am calm, whole and open and not realizing that within suppressing a part of me – in fact I am not open, in fact I am not calm and not even whole but within the effect of weed I am simply not aware of this so then I can perceive my goal as ‘peace’ meanwhile compounding suppressions what I am sure will exert.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by smoking weed I suppress more and express less because I do not even see that I do have to speak up and take responsibility because in the moment I am not even aware of the responsibility because in fact in these moments  I want to be defined by the words ‘I do not care’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve defined myself by the action of ‘I do not care’ because without this statement – I felt myself involved, intoxicated with reactions what did not feel comfortable, so wanted to stop but not directly as myself but with energies and energetic manipulation by adding extra energy into and as my mind system by drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to superimpose myself and perceiving my world as small and insignificant in the starting point of wanting to seem less responsible for who I am and what I experience and in fact what I actually do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide within me that I want to hide from others and from myself because what I’ve seen when I was looking at myself was not comfortable, but frustrating and I’ve defined myself as uncomfortable and frustrating and not realizing that in fact the act what I do and the thoughts what I’ve participate within generates the energetic experience of being uncomfortable and frustrated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be untouchable and shielded from myself and from my world what I’ve defined as too intense and I need something to put the edge of reality away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by smoking weed I create a mystified experience of myself what within I am in fact not aware of myself therefore not needing to worry and therefore not needing to suppress therefore not needing to face exerting my anger and frustration towards myself about in fact I actually try not to change from where I experience myself uncomfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being self-honest with myself in terms of realizing I’ve craved myself into actions what with I cannot realize the relationship with my mind and human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from speaking up while being smoked because I might seem clever but in fact I know that anyone can speak anything without the actual Real Living Word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to take refugee within drugs with what I can experience calmness and peace and confidence and stability and not realizing that I will experience only this when I am being self-defined within the self-defined action of using the drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realize that by smoking weed in fact I am hiding myself behind self-accepted relationships what are of hope and fear and still participating within the casino system by ‘maybe I will get this experience if I win’ and not realizing that by this I abdicate self-trust and compromise my self-honest walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel joyful when the weed hits me and experiencing myself inside slowing down.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined joy based on and according to circumstances and relationships with other self-definitions and not realizing that I can only experience equality and oneness with the word 'joy' when using definitions separated from me to be able to define me within the relationship of joy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define something as 'great', 'joyful', 'good', 'useful' because when I use it, I have a feeling of good, because of suppressing the things what I bother myself with and by that relief defining joy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define feeling cool when experiencing slow, liquid-like energetic waves/movements within and as my human physical body while the drug hits my mind and experiencing these energies and not realizing that these are thought-system-manifestations moving within and as me and yet not being aware of these and how and why and by that 'suppressed awareness' defining it as cool because then apparently I can focus to other things and not always to 'my issues' what cause me think and react to thinking.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the word 'unconcerned' there is already a polarity within being concerned and being not concerned and by smoking defining me unconcerned in fact I just make myself FEEL not concerned and by self-definition concerned, I actually want to stop being defined by and as myself how I actually experience myself and wanting to do it with smoking instead of dealing with my issues directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like how I experience listening music while being on drugs because then the perception is different and defining myself as this different perception is what I like - I define myself as the drug and not being able to be myself without the drug effecting my 'liking'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted to define sexually stimulated more when doing sex while being on any drug because then the apparent intensity is bigger and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define intensity as good simply as that and not realizing that intensity is also a perception based on opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as sexual-pleasure and seeking for sexual-pleasure and doing sexual-pleasure as much as I can without questioning myself simply because defining myself as 'this is who I am'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to becoming fed up with my reasons and justifications about why I smoke weed and then when I do it I see that within self-honesty I do not want to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I want to smoke weed because then I can forget myself and within forgetting myself I feel reliefed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about losing my music instruments because then I would have to restart to build my studio what is money and time what about I am extremely limited currently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress playing and writing music within me when not smoking weed and after a while wanting to make music but not doing it by having reasons and justifications but in fact I simply not make music when I do not smoke because I've defined myself and my musical aspect with weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive for apparently 'high' energetic experiences because then all the possibilities reduce and I become automatic and within that self-automation I focus to reacting to self-definition of 'intensity'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for great sex with a woman who is really open with me and I find her sexually attractive but only if she would really like me, what I do and who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use suppressed sexual desire and energy to fuel me as mind and defining this as myself and when not having sexual suppressions, desires, wants - I feel myself as 'low' instead of realizing that who I've defined myself to be as energy within my mind as 'high' and when 'low' wanting to enhance myself with energies to get back to 'high'-ness, what simply means regarding thoughts, feelings, emotions more than here physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from anything what is not 'intense enough' to be apparently real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as intensity regarding to circumstances and not as who I am as life, always here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experiencing something what is too intense, because then I am becoming more automatic that I'd like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from something being too intense and therefore my reactions as thoughts, feelings, emotions will be also intense and by that intensity, actually I diminish here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize/see/understand the importance to draw/write out all self-definitions/relationships/connections within and as me regarding to the word intensity.

So - some self-accepted abdication of Self-responsibility is here within constancy and consistency - let's prepare the physical change with Self-correction:

When and as I think of getting weed or even buying it – I realize – this is a timeloop – if I buy the stuff, I will smoke it, and if I buy it – in fact I made the decision to smoke more – and not realizing that if I really not want to smoke then I do not get it – and until I have tendency to get it or somehow just ‘have stuff’ – it is the same – I am living my decision to want to smoke because wanting to hide from myself – and each act I participate in this  – I abdicate self-responsibility.

When and as I feel like I need to smoke in order to any reason – I realize I have the reason and justification from my past what I want to change but until I do not change the relationship within me regarding to self-definitions about doing drugs, smoking weed, getting high – until I am the same – therefore I decide to suppress and then compound and then exert and then feeling ashamed and then becoming frustrated and then again facing the decision to suppress myself again.

When and as I suppress fear from changing – I realize – I have the tendency to smoke weed to bubble myself into a personality what is calm and relaxed and joyful what I’ve defined myself not to be therefore to chemically shift my perception about me – I use chemical substances – and until I participate – I am responsible for postponing my self-expression.

When and as I fear from relationship and acknowledging my responsibility within past relationships – I realize I have tendency to wanting to shift personality with smoking weed instead of slowing down and stopping participate within thoughts, feelings, emotions regarding to how shit I did and how I should not do and how I should do and then still when ‘letting this go’ – wanting just to be relaxed in the moment, in this moment and not wanting to take responsibility for the future as well.

When and as I desire after sex – I realize by smoking weed I only intensify this and then I will have intensified sexual desire – so by smoking I realize I compound more energy to suppress me.

When and as I start to become extremely aroused and losing presence and just wanting to ‘get off’ the energy I realize this energy I compounded and in fact created by being self-dishonest and that self-dishonesty is compounded and the arousal is here for hide myself with a bigger energy from an uncomfortable energetic experience caused by me moment by moment.

When and as I have thoughts about what is the reason to smoke weed – I realize – that reason is of consequence of energetic experience – therefore any reason is self-dishonesty.

When and as I fear from facing myself – I realize by weed I just mistify myself and not stopping even when it is obvious that the best is to stop myself from inside out within one decision with no energy, gently yet brutally just breathe and remain here and observe the mind but not participate.

When and as I experience  emotions and feelings – I realize – it is alright to not suppress these but coming here – what is important is to not follow and react to and wanting to act something regarding to that – rather remain here and breathe, and see how it comes from where ‘it’ wants to go and apply self-forgiveness.

When and as I desire after sex – I see that it is of mind as energy – and then I stop,  and if not – then I do not judge – but decide in one moment – and act accordingly.

When and as I fear from women and fear from facing women – ex or current or future partner – I realize I fear from facing myself what I have the tendency to suppress yet with partner it is coming to surface and not wanting to face and realize myself because then I would have to change and within changing facing the unknown what I’ve defined as fearful and avoidable therefore anytime experiencing change – fear will come and that is predictable, so when I experience fear within stopping, especially fear from unknown, I breathe, I stop, I let go and I realize until I smoke weed, I suppress myself and cannot deal with emotions therefore I stop smoking weed, stop getting weed, accepting weed, wanting to smoke weed, wanting to buy weed, wanting to be in the situation of have a valid reason to smoke weed.

I commit myself to not smoking weed because within smoking I am creating layers within and as me and these layers consist of and entails of my self-accepted self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to remain constantly aware that if I am here as Self-movement and not as reaction to Mind-movement - weed do not effect me.

I commit myself to see all relationships within and as me what wants me to smoke weed and not using the justification to ‘to walk through weed, I need to smoke weed to have the experience of self-dishonesty’ then to realize and by that to stop instead of simply stop by decision and not by manifested consequence.

I commit myself to just decide things without energy and within self-decision – I stand, I walk, I breathe, I act.

I commit myself to stop fearing from myself as relationship with woman and transform my starting point of fear from myself as unknown to self-enjoyment within self-honesty within and as stopping all systems within and as me as Life.

I commit myself to not judge weed because self-judgment is of polarity of positive and negative and remain aware of that either way I participate within defining it according to my self-interest it is the same, meanwhile weed is a plant what has a substance what alters the mind.

I commit myself to stop all relationship within and as me of and as mind consciousness system and birthing myself as Life as the Physical undefined, Self-disciplined, constant, stable, consistent and everything what makes me changing, unstable, inconsistent in terms of self-presence is not really me therefore I let go, unconditionally walk trough, remove completely, entirely.

Related articles:(just some ;)


http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/10/day-56-i-am-cool-because-i-smoke-weed.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-21-weed-and-social-circles.html

http://michaelwilliammcdonald.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-247-how-i-stopped-weed-addiction.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-26-weed-and-responsibilities.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-25-stoner-pothead-character.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-24-pipes-and-resin.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-22-weed-and-creativity.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-23-weed-and-creativity-cont.html

Also this is fascinating:

http://desteni.org/a/bruce-lee-marijuana-a-view-less-seen

I suggest to investigate all habits as Jesus said: Investigate all things and keep what is best for all.

I do not ask for asking is this really Jesus speaking - I suggest listen the words what is being spoken and apply for yourself and within Self-honest action one can only see.