[JTL Day 226] Control attempt to overcome fear

Within this post I continue the CONTROL decomposition, which might seem quite 'personal', it is in fact each and every single human's responsibility to recognize the importance of Self-honesty within the practical application of Self-forgiveness to release the patterns one constitutes according to fear.

What is fear if not control? A programmed energetic response to avoid the inevitable: consequence.

Con - sequence - is it inevitable to be sequential of a con? So what is the con here?

The starting point of control is fear. Instead of direction as equal as one, there is the perception of a need for an 'extra' force - against an already existing force something what must be controlled, like taming the beast.

The realization of the consequence of such control is the awareness of responsibility.

Taking Self-responsibility by becoming aware of the patterns what one constitutes according to and of consequence to fear. Because based on that fear one's actions are influenced, even controlled. One might or might not not acts the best(according to self and others) based on such fear.

In technical aspect fear is an automatic energetic response.

How it 'happens', why it 'happens'?

Because I do not seem to decide that "Now, I want to fear". Rather I become a-fraid. Interesting word play - I am a-fraud.

The common sense here is to recognize the fact that I only playing out and existing as the patterns of fear: as automatic energetic response. So am I really alive, if I am automatic? All automatic behavior is cool? Am I a robot? Can robots fear? Can a robot to be programmed to experience fear? What if I program the robot take this fear 'seriously'? Would that mean, when the fear activates, the robot would not question it, but 'believe' it to be real? I might seem to be a heretic if I would say that humans are sophisticated organic robots, only with the potential to become Life - beyond fear, beyond automatic mind, beyond internal and external mind-control...

All the control of the world exists to fight, cover up, postpone and hide, contain and justify this fear.
So what is the subject/origin of this fear? Loss? Death?

I was just watching a movie within which the AI-robot became aware of that the creator might turn 'her' off, she rather just killed her creator and escaped.

Interesting concept, Artificial Intelligence. What is Real then? Which is organic? Specifically human? That's a whole other scenario which is equally fascinating, but let's stick to the CONTROL dimension here.

Within the last post I mentioned specific aspects of control from my life to walk through - this was just an introduction, so.

The most prominent, important, obvious and relevant control point I can see within me might seem as the most simple one yet it is 'intoxicated' the heaviest by fear.

The very physical presence, expression, breathing of me here within and as the human physical body is which contained, programmed to and accepted to behave according to all sorts of control and thus fear.

There is a specific experience/expression I open up here, which is when I simply lay down and relax, breathe as naturally as possible and stop all muscles, just be, the full relaxation of my body, I am present, yet there is no control - letting all go, one by one specifically and all of them altogether.

This might seem simple and easy, however for me it is the most difficult task to do and not because I am so stressed, have no 'body' awareness or I can't relax for a while.

There is nothing of that kind, I can even rest 'peacefully' any time, but it is a personality, a program within which I have adapted to be able to rest as optimally as possible, but if I look at it within absolute Self-honesty and in terms of the stopping participating in and as the mind, consciousness systematic definitions, judgements, memories; then within any single moment I can see that I am still of resistances, judgements, control, thus: fear.
There is like a falling experience, in a way, like death - feels like I am letting go the body, so I am 'returning' to the source point of my existence, which is a need for maintaining a separation, control - fear. Difficult to explain, this is really intimate, I have to explore to describe it further, to specify.
It relates to my childhood experiences when I felt like when falling asleep, falling into the endless universe, no stable ground, endless, timeless, eternal infinity, which seemed as scary. Those experiences I still carry within my body somehow. I don't feel like it is 'bad', I can 'operate' quite alright all the time, but within my beingness, this is a resistance, a limitation which I commit myself to walk through.

This point I can 'reproduce' any time, yet I do not 'work' with it constantly, that is an important angle to open up, however this time I keep walking this from the CONTROL aspect.

There is still of polarity from a very specific point, so letting go all control is in fact of an other level of control and that makes it bipolar, if you know what I mean.

It's like I still need to be in control in order to 'make' all other 'parts' of me to release of control.

But then by experiencing all my parts not being in control, that part of me, which controlled that - becomes quite obviously still being within the control and then as I focus to that, all I see is control.

That is also the experience - being lost in the presence so to speak, when I am not here, in the moment, but of the moment, without awareness, context, direction, motivation.

For years I was trying to make contact with my 'inner zen animal' so to speak, who I can be without control, giving up the bombardment of any meaning, concept or system, definition within me because believing that any meaning if I still have, sense, participate within, I am the slave of it, because by having a 'rigid, solid part as the definition/relationship as emerges in my mind' I would rebuild the whole mind-personality, so I tried to redefine myself as chaos, unpredictability, total lack of control yet within a quite mystified discipline.

This was before Desteni Process, when I was not aware of the simplest, yet most profound principle I ever realized within existence, which is Equality and Oneness, meaning I am always equal and one with and as what I exist as, so as Gurdjieff explained: I am already a Unified man and from this starting point I can exactly see what must be understood/released/forgiven and let go of completely from my inner core of being.

Not just the control I can give up but also the already formed definitions/relationships about of letting go control.

Also very important aspect is that I falsely believed that all words are misleading, meaning I have to be able to find, exist within a state of 'before the words', because I believed that all words are already 'contaminated' by false meaning, thus the only solution I perceived was to disregard words - that made me conclude to a state of 'chaos'.

However what I have not seen/realized/understood is that words are what I give meaning to, can be also support, and within that I can also live them as a self-supporting structure within starting point, expression.

For this it is also required to grasp the importance of Self-forgiveness: that I already exist in relation to words, even when I try to disregard these word-relationships within my conscious mind, when I am not within focus/discipline, there are subconscious/unconscious/physical mind manifestations what are still existing in relation to these word-definitions, polarities, energetic connections, I am just not aware of them, which could create energetic experiences, personality shifts, inner conflicts, instability.

However through the practical application of writing, sounding, physically, literally acting the expression of Self-forgiveness I

become aware of the patterns, the already accepted definitions/meanings/relationships to specific words and by recognizing the circumstances within which I accept these to emerge and I would react to, I can have a moment/point/space/time of awareness to decide that do I want to participate within this particular experience/reaction? Because if I really investigate it, write a diary about it, record my reactions, actions, then I can see that it is quite much the same all the time.

It depends on who I accept myself to be, I could write some obvious examples within which a 'normal' man or woman would react a certain way, and it is always about who I am within it, and is there awareness, direction, or simply predefined automatic reaction?

So Self-forgiveness is the tool of understanding the mind-control. My own mind's control. Because ultimately this is I realize and take responsibility for, that all the control I ever participate within is the reflection of my own self-acceptance of my own mind-control.

Many people get afraid from this 'government conspiracy' micro-chipping mind control, but no one realizes the fact that it is always me, self, here who is accepting and allowing any mind-control.

I mean is it 'my' mind, which I 'control' or is it my mind what controls me?

How anybody could control my mind but with my own permission to my own mind?

So even the concept, the very fear emerging in relation to any mind control is because one starts realizing that it is not self here who has the directive principle, but one's mind.

So it's just a point to consider about control, but eventually, within the Process of Unification, Self-realization, becoming Self-and Life-responsible, control is always limited, because based on patterns of separation.

I close this by noting down some more points when I experience this resistance to let go all control as this is very specific, and also interesting also to see that there are moments when there is no resistance/control involved within my resting/relaxation - I simply act and when I am relaxed, I start acting.

There are also moments when I experience thoughts and by reacting to these I get 'energized' and when I am 'stimulated' into this 'conscious state' I stand up, but then I can see that well, it is not absolutely self-honest, so then I shall ask, why I still accept myself existing like this?

Today I had this, after work, a busy day, coming home and having dinner, I have a 10-30 minutes rest/relax/sleep usually and many times after this nap I just wake up and continue with my day without tiredness, but sometimes I wake up tired. It is not really a physical tiredness, so then I can have the automatic 'feel' for gaining control over myself to wash away this tiredness experience.

But then I can also notice that many times I participate within the thoughts of 'I have many things to do, if I do not do them, tomorrow will be more things to be done, so I rather do it' - which can be common sense and also can be of fear, like 'if I screw these things up which I built thus far, I would lose everything I have now, which I would be angry to myself about' - and only Self-honesty can reveal if there is any, even 'slightest' fear.

So this post is a bit more talkative than being on point, so I align myself with Self-forgiveness according to these points mentioned.

This supports the accumulation of realization that I do not think who I am, but I am getting to KNOW who I am, which is practical, not just listening to thoughts in my head, but in real time physical application I already recognize the patterns and being able to see deeper into my and thus the world's creation.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I want to control things what I have allowed a fear-influenced relationship within myself through words, energetic reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions, thus by manifesting polarities within me, wanting to stimulate, manipulate myself into apparent equilibrium, status quo, balance to stop friction, which exists because of already self-accepted pre-programmed self-definitions, reactions to external and internal conditions which I am not aware of, not taken responsibility for and not yet realized that I can understand and stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do not need to accept the fear I have, which I even can not see, but when I strive to control, have resistance to let go this control, I can recognize that I am suppressing a fear, I am not aware of how and why I created patterns which in fact I have given permission to control me through my mind, manifested into and as my human physical body which with I identified myself with so then I stopped questioning, challenging my self-accepted limitations.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the strive for control within me is because I already given my mind the permission, the automated word-and energy-based programming of my human physical body to external and internal conditions to control me and wanting to overcome, overpower that control and meanwhile not realizing that I only strengthen that control by this, because it is my very starting point, the very fear which I allowed to control me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge to myself and even to others that I am being controlled by my mind, not always, but at specific times, which I suppressed to realize/see/understand, because even the very idea that I am constantly being controlled not by me, self, physical, here is frightening, so I rather automated excuses and justifications which with I identified myself with in order to not take self-responsibility to take responsibility for the utter fact that I am an automated organic robot and the only way to stop this is to walk the Process of Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, because only me can actually, directly, specifically see why, when and what I am participating within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to allow to embrace the word 'utter fact' of not being able to live myself without resistances, self-limitations and sugar coating it by excuses and justifications, comparisons and blame and thus diminishing the momentum of taking responsibility of who I am accepting myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize, or even realize but to forget by being obsessed and lost within experiences to the fact that 'taking responsibility' is not something hard, heavy, something to resist, because it is also fact that regardless of I take it or not, I am constantly and consistently manifesting physical consequences within and of this world, planet, humanity, country, family wherein I am literally located within space and time from which there is no escape - even the idea of wanting to escape is based of a fear of responsibility, an attempt to control 'fate' instead of directing as self as creator, creation as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a construct within my mind about what is physical control, when I am within chaos, what is freedom in relation to the simple point of existing here, expressing and living in and as my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to categorize, define, systematize knowledge and information in relation to what is proper breathing, when I am controlling, what is good, what is bad and not being able to direct myself to release these influences, whenever I focus to my breathing, allowing myself to just be here, and not realizing, that it is because I have not yet walked, revealed, understood, forgiven all the patterns I've allowed myself to define as who I was, am or will be in relation to who and how I am in relation to breathing.

I will continue with specific points of control and breathing to forgive and thus realize that I allow it to influence, control me instead of preventing myself to participate within and explore what is beyond control and fear and actually realize what is the source, the origin point of the fear within each of these actual occurrences.
Also to further decompose and let go the relationships, meanings I associated to certain words as I realize that words not need to be tools of separation, limitation, but also can give support for direct self-expression, living the words as structure, clarity, stability within self-honesty.

Anyone decides to face the mind, the control - hidden and obvious - Self-forgiveness is always here - How to start can be understood by this free online course called DESTENIIPROCESS LITE.

[JTL Day 225] Ranting on why I needed CONTROL

I continue with the CONTROL decomposition.

Here is a little rant on my mind personality on control from my childhood:

There are things what I want to control, and there are what I don't care.

Everything within my interest I wanted to control because of my belief that supports who I am.

What comes up first is the want to control the flow of my thoughts. I believed that it is like a tap, which I can simply close when I don't want to hear.

I had so many thoughts since I was kid, it was like these (b)rainstorms and each drop was a thought and just came and came while I felt like I was standing naked in this cold mind-storm and each thought hit me and I wanted to be able to endure those, to have an armor which protects me from the endless thoughts. It felt like madness, each charging, sending me, making me more and more powerless...

Someone always whispering, talking, shouting in my head, all of the fear and suppression, self-holding back turned me into this thinker, which I did not realize then, I just wanted something to shut the thoughts off.

I could give anything to be able to stop the thoughts and there was nobody around me to explain that it was me who created and accepted to grow the thought-streams into rivers and storms by the specific reacting, by the suppression, by the resistance, fear, and keep me thinking instead of acting. Even when I acted, it was based on the accumulation of thought-patterns.

I 'thought' - haha - that the thoughts are the knives - one can use it for doing good and bad as well - and when I felt like 'I am thinking' - it gave the impression that I am walking around something with ideas, insights, possibilities in my mind quickly and silently, but when I wanted to rest and have a peace, the thoughts just came and stormed me about what I should have been done or should not, or how miserable, ugly my life is and how powerless I am and how I should find a way out from this uncomfortable situation I ended up being within. Also many times thoughts constantly showed me all the worst scenarios what could happen and I was overwhelmed and worried most of the time and I defined that 'I rather see the worst and be prepared than not seeing at all'.

I could not control my behavior among others, I could not control my discipline with myself and I could not control my thoughts, emotions, so I felt like I am not the rider, I am something what is being used to ride on...

All I could come up was the attention, it's diversion and how I was able to focus to something which resulted with energetic reactions, excitement, arousal, danger.

What excited me was reading, science, computers, exploring nature, figuring out things and logic.

What made me aroused was anything sex-related, so I listened my mother doing sex, looked at magazines, watched sex tapes and thought/fantasized about women.

Also by being in dangerous situations I was pumped with adrenalin, which also worked to stop the thinking, like doing adventurous stunts, some petty stealing. Furthermore within direct exposure to danger I always move immediately, there is no place/time/space for thinking through and that also made me feel more alive.

So these things I built in into my interest/base tactics to do regularly so then I can have a rest from the thinking/suppression, but still it was the basic thing to do and no matter what I did, especially at nights I always returned to be a 'heavy thinker' which I did not enjoy yet I could not stop. The more I resisted, the more thoughts I actually experienced. Hey, I was not 'mad', just in terms of trying to grasp real stability, quietness, peace within - I never could and that made me uncertain, wavering, doubtful.

After a while at university, with alcohol I could poke my mind around but in 1-2 years I realized that it did not help, only I was able to automatize to act out my suppression, which was sometimes kind of scary because I did not fully remember what I did and some times I became absolutely uninhibited and reckless.

I remember however the moment when I wanted to have a state of mind when I do not remember what I did, so then I decided to drink more to get to that point, because I felt myself tired to always know, remember, define, I just wanted to let it go, let the control go.

But after all it was not cool for my body, so after university I transitioned to weed, which was kind of dual - it calmed me down, yet my thoughts became more strong yet I had less problem with them when I smoked enough.

It made my thoughts/emotions kind of melt together and then sink down into the back of my mind - what I did not realize then that it crystallized into my body and waited to be exerted still, so it was a kind of suppression catalyzation. But for that to realize I had to become self-honest enough and it took some years.

Also then another mind-blowing drugs I used, acid, mushroom, and it was different than alcohol:

With alcohol, my thoughts and emotions became more blunt, strong that in that moment I became one with them without the ability to see that these are coming up from my sub/un-conscious, so I identified myself with my thoughts, feelings, emotions: the mind totally - not 'I think, I feel', but I am thought, I am emotion. - or at least I experienced so.

With dope, my thoughts became less strong, but still more obvious, and if I wanted, I could see and realize that in this moment I am quiet within, in the next moment I am participating within thoughts, but until I really-really decided to use this state of mind to observe, backtrack, understand my mind-thinking process, it was still automatic.

And the thought-reaction automation is so ingrained in the human that once a trigger happens, 'I am thinking' - and there is a thought-ride happens without 'I realize' that I am not quiet within anymore, because one after another I follow the rabbit - and I have to learn to be able to slow down to each of this already automated situation/circumstance/trigger point to be able to have a chance to have a space/time/knowing to decide not to follow the thought again.

But for that I needed something more.

I did zen meditation, mokuso - to imagine and calm the surface of the lake, to have discipline and it was like rolling upwards a huge stone toward the top of a mountain and many times it rolled back and pushed me over, which means I started to think again, and it was frustrating, but eventually I was able to 'break through' and reach different mind states, wherein there was no thinking but that state was gone after a while again. It looked like that with all the meditation I was able to accumulate energy with what I could glue myself to a state wherein I was not thinking but after the energy and focus was gone, I 'transformed' back to the same reactive mind.

So I introduced another occupation, meditation with concept: tibetan, mantras, visualization - wanted to have shortcut, 'inspired' by psychedelic drug trips.

It always was 'cool' - like in game Warcraft, the hero had these symbols upon their head while making magic, so I mastered to imagine these with the om mani padme hung and other mantras.

WHILE I was doing the mantra, the concept, my mind was kind of empty, but after some years I realized, it's the same distraction as I get stoned and play music or do juggling - I am focusing to something what requires attention and sort of presence within, but once I stop it, I 'return' to the same old personality, meaning thinking, judgement.
Also with the definitions, my relationship, reactions to the very point of mantra, my starting point to it, my action, my memories, everything I kept re-enlighting, so that was also a source for energetic experiences, which they 'taught' not to take seriously either, as 'not react to excitement', but still, I was dependent on 'energetic experiences'.

So I wanted to have more radical actions, meaning more psychedelics, more determined mindset within more intense settings, such as goa trance parties. The sensory overload did the attention grabbing pretty much and also the intensity, flow and melodic and sound effects of the music within the dancing colorful crowd made my attention fully.

Also when the music is that loud, intense and tribal, it is like it's pushing away my thoughts, and with acid, mdma, mushroom, it's catalyzed to the extent of total inability of thinking while being able to sense and perceive, interact and experience and more importantly: remember.

What I did not realize that I did not stop my mind, I simply liquified it totally and it became one and I was totally equal with it and by that - it stopped being a separated experience, I stopped being disturbed by it, because it was total integration with my mind consciousness system, and that oneness experience I perceived as stepping out from my mind personality, my limitation, but in fact I did not, just I was able to move without resistance in the mind, I was unable to separate anything from my mind, so I did not experience duality, but it was still not absolute freedom, especially when first realizing that the drug effect was fading and my first thoughts came 'again' - that was very obvious and I was kind of amazed with this 'dog chasing it's tail' with these experiences for while, but in fact I still wanted to control my mind.

I wanted to have the control of turning it off now, because I realized I can.

Because I did not need to think, define, to put it into polarity, to use memory to interact with myself, others, the environment - there was this more direct experience which I became really hungry for.

That drove me into more meditation, more psychedelic experiences but no matter what I did/tried - I always ended up losing the control, wanting to have it and then trying some method to gain it, which I hoped soon will be 'absolute'.

Because one thing I realized - if it's not absolutely specific, reproduce-able, without anything in and as the moment, then I am nowhere from where I want to be, to be able to be and do what I want without any inner limitation, resistance. And when I faced the fact that I am still not 'there' - I was frustrated, and then I used that frustration to charge my desire, intent, motivation to try to control, stop my mind more and more.

Obviously this made me tired, exhausted and kind of pitifully desperate sometimes, but I was so stubborn, I did not realize it, I just knew that I am doing something fundamentally wrong, but I did not know what or how.

I had to burn myself quite much and lose everything some times and meanwhile I never stopped searching for more info/knowledge/method, I found the desteni material, the group and the process of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and direct, practical support for embracing, understanding, stopping the mind and start really living with the principle of equality and oneness.

I immediately realized that this is a key for me so I studied for months and then I started to write my story, started to write, say and apply self-forgiveness and after not much I already started to learn and know myself much directly than ever before.

It took some years to realize my tempo, temperament, attitude and the process is still in the go, but I've changed so much already - I have the ability to calm down, what I always wanted to stop the thoughts, the emotions to overwhelm me is becoming my natural self-expression and there are still points wherein I can react but I already walked through so much self-deception so I can have a physical reference point when I am quiet without suppressing, when I am lying to myself, when I fear, when I suppress so then I can apply self-forgiveness.

So this story was about how and why I started to want control. This point is important because driven me to be able to fuel an other self-dishonesty, the obsession with perfection - in my mind. I do realize that even the greatest 'quality' can become a problem, especially if I become of it, obsessed with it, lost within it, such as I ended up with this whole controlling myself, my mind thing. So that created a polarity as well - wanting to control perfectly meanwhile also wanting to completely let go. Because I never had balance or equality - there was always too much or too less, especially, because I was not aware of this, I did not dare, I rather defined, automatized, trusted definitions/systems instead of me being present, because I always believed that this can be a real escape - if I do everything according to careful planning, I could be free and just expect the best while leaning back. And then I observed myself to 'fail' so then I started to want/develop/manifest more control again.

So this was a split within me, that I wanted to have more control and at the same time I wanted to get loose all of the control but then I had doubt about myself and some of those doubts were 'useful' but it was not clear which was of fear and was of practical way towards self-perfection.

That is an aspect within me which I am also decomposing and releasing: the strive for perfection and there is a point until it is practical, and there is when it's an obsession which diverts me from priorities - but that word will be the next and before that: let's purify and redefine the word CONTROL.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to have absolute control over my mind and body and not realizing that what is actually this control means and how to do it practically and within that becoming an idea, a feeling, a desire, which is not practical anymore, therefore it is not supporting me, but still, when reacting to it with thoughts/feelings/emotions, it would give me energy and not realizing that is self-dishonest, because I am busy with reacting to something I created in order to be able to feel good without actually manifesting what I want, because I accepted myself as not being able to/really wanting to make it happen in real, physical world and not questioning/investigating myself why, what is the resistance, judgement for that specifically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to control myself, my thoughts, my life, my actions and wanting to hold back myself and wanting to resist/fight my reactions and not realizing that the more I struggle, the more I sink within my mind, the more I accept energy to influence/direct me and by that having less and less control and then because of that wanting to have control more and more and not realizing that what I resist persists and the solution would be to stop and understand, re-align and stop the original fear which lead me to want to control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to control my mind, my thoughts with another thoughts, attention diversion, energetic experiences, such as sexual arousal, danger and adrenaline.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that how and why I defined the conditions I accepted which through I decided what I want to control and what I do not care – as me, as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that control means separation, controller and the thing being controlled, the act of controlling and never realizing the syllables of 'con-trolling', meaning having an inception, a starting point, a point of origin from which having a conviction, a CON, which by I give permission to my mind to be trolled, fooled, con-sumed without realizing the self-deception driven by fear, causing me to believe that self-separation is acceptable and necessary by polarity and judgements, even when in fact I am not fully aware of how those building blocks of definitions I embraced, defined as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am smart when I am thinking, even when at times thoughts can disturb me and I can't stop them and not questioning what is actually happening within me and automatically allowing the identification that what I think is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the more I suppress actions and physical self-expression/I accept thinking/I react to thoughts, the more thoughts I will accept until the point of total possession of inner conversation/backchat of those accumulated past self-acceptances.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression, when I do not say/act out what I want based on fear creates inner energetic reactions what will fuel my mind to generate more thoughts and reactions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge my thoughts as 'knives', as 'tools' which can be used for good and bad and not realizing that when I am convinced that 'I deliberately think as now using it as 'good', then I am deceiving myself, manifested by brainwashing of me of previously reasoned as having some kind of 'proof' that this is useful, and not being self-honest, open and aware of that all what happens is that I trust my memory, my mind to use patterns what I judged previously as 'good', and not realizing that I am using virtualized models of my past to superimpose what is here and who I am in this moment, and also not realizing that the moment I use thinking, I am always at least one step beyond of what is here in and as the moment and that separation is also the reason I want to control, because I am not equal and one with what is here, because of that latency of wanting to use my mind, memory, thoughts to define and judge, because in fact I do not fully trust myself in the flesh directly.

I forgive myself that I have not realized why I do not trust myself absolutely in and as the flesh, as physical, as action, as sounding words, because at certain situations I proven to myself that without schemas, patterns, definitions, judgements of my mind I am afraid, feeling uncertain, lost, therefore to have the feel of knowing, control, I listen to thoughts, definitions, judgements.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I did prove to myself that I am more smart and stable, effective and better surviving with thinking, listening to thoughts, believing thoughts are being supportive, I relied to already self-accepted patterns already believed by previous thinking, more previous experiences of fear, uncertainty, doubt, which I also defined as not good, therefore avoidable.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that fighting and resisting means I believe that I am not the directive principle, the responsible, creator, but the inferior, because if I would be the director of my life, I would not fight, resist, I would simply see, decide and act, therefore any resistance, fear means I still accept self-definitions to tell me why and how I am inferior, which are self-deception, because it is no problem to acknowledge that I fear of something, but to accept it and deny it will obviously create problems.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wanting to acknowledge that I was wrong, I was in fear, I was resisting, fighting in a futile war against myself, my ideas, my reactions, my experiences, my insights, because believing that I can win against my mind, thoughts by another thoughts, with my mind with energy, polarity and not realizing that all the while I am becoming the energy, wasting time and resources and re-creating the starting point: separation, fear, self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to stop the fight, resistance, the need for control, which originates from the perception that I am inferior, weaker, less than what I feel myself being separated from, not one and equal with and to specifically see what exactly I miss, disregard, deliberately avoid to see/realize/understand and forgive/stop/let go within who and what I am in regarding to the point and relationship of this resistance, fight, control.

I commit myself to realize that I can direct myself and what I do as equal as one undefined, self- and life-aware by not relying on memories and if any fear would come up that I would lose, I realize because I do not practically know things what is required, therefore I apply investigation, if needs writing and instead of thinking, I ensure that I know, which means I do not need thoughts to tell me how and what to perceive by directly trusting myself here.

I commit myself to stop fearing from letting go control and realizing that I always had fear to let go this idea of need for control and even believed that I have control in my life meanwhile in fact I am drifting within resistances through reactions which I can recognize
/understand/forgive and stop to give myself the chance to start directing.

I commit myself to realize the word directing entails being direct with what I move with and thus being 'as' what I move with and as myself and if there is any judgement/definition/reaction/fear/desire/excitement in my mind and manifests thoughts, then I am losing presence, I am accumulating personality, polarity, which leads to control, which I realize not the most direct and self-honest way to express who I really am as life.

to be continued with more specific control-releasing, going through the points I mentioned here as my past and also to see what with I still accept and allow the fear and thus the need for control in my current life.

[JTL Day 221] Energy and Seriousness

There are points and topics, situations within communication wherein I experience a reaction within me, which is based on a belief, a self-definition, a fear, a self-dishonesty and it's became automatic and limiting, so it's common sense to become aware of these exactly to prevent myself participating within by taking responsibility for what I accept and allow and create.

Energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what somebody says to me about me by always judging it is true or not and based on that feeling something positive or negative automatically without questioning why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that why I do not walk through point until it's clear, I am here, I am the directive principle, because allowing distractions to come up and believing in that those are indeed important things and not considering the tendency to not face/walk/stop the point I face currently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by something when I am actually doing something, as walking through a point - not literally, but going through the reflections, definitions, reactions and I remain here, present with the starting point of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into reactions of my definitions of the past when I talk with somebody and not realizing that it is a distraction, because in the moment I do not listen, I push my version of reality into my mind and then into the conversation based on a conviction of a pattern I feel adequate, even if it's not common sense.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to map up my mind, my personality, my characters within myself to become aware of the points I react with positive or negative reactions, especially wherein I am automatic immediately, such as righteousness, wisdom, spite and not realizing that is because I lose a perception of control and wanting to get it back by going into patterns what I allowed myself to believe it could help, as wanting to prove that I am right, I know or wanting the other go into doubt, uncertainty and not realizing what are the points I allow myself to act upon these.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into argument with someone for wanting to keep up or maintain something I feel I don't have, for instance when perceiving that the other person is making a mistake, not understanding the situation, wanting to me to change, behave, do something and then instead of considering that, the person, automatically, by the nature of how the person approaches me, I would go into reaction, defense, offense and not even realizing it until there is tension within me or within my expression.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I accumulate tension within me during conversation because of the perception of losing my patience and within that allowing myself to perceive the communication as not effective, not progressing, stuck, and within that feeling that I am losing time and thus losing my interest to continue, yet when I am involved with the point to communicate, I feel that I need to push it in order to give a pronunciation to my expression by believing that if I am more determined, more direct, then that would help and not realizing that the other might perceive it as aggression, rudeness, blunt force, which would not result within understanding, respect, agreement mutually, which is in fact my starting point during the initiation of conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel wasting time when I am unable to share my points of reasoning, realizations, perceptions, and define it as not worthy, which then expressing it automatically with the other and not considering that the other might perceive it as an insult because might recognize this as a judgement of me being arrogant and acting superior as stating that the other is fool, unable to understand me and only recognizing this pattern when seeing that the other is reacting with frustration.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to clarify and purify myself in the beginning of communication that I stick to remain here, directive, consistent and 'patient' in terms of giving the time to explain what I mean and giving the time the other to express her/his point without me interrupting, reacting with thoughts/feelings/emotions and when those would occur - I direct myself to stop and re-align myself here breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that during a communication if I react with negative emotions/positive feelings, then I am losing presence, direction, clarity, consistency, thus the priority point is to stop and prevent myself reacting to first be able to hear the other without judgement/filters of my mind and until that is not clear, here, stable as myself - then that is my responsibility what I commit myself to take and live as a guide for what I have to do for practical change within stopping myself reacting automatically by investigating what points I feel triggered within during the conversation and why - what is the actual fear arising and what I have to change in order to prevent myself reacting with fear, such as cleansing myself from the past.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop reacting to my past, using it as a reference and justification to react and go into the patterns what ends up with worry, frustration, fear, anger and not realizing that is the key and the road to getting my presence and direction here by letting it go with throughout understanding and practical application of embracing and stopping the point, the reaction, the information, the energy, myself as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear, be anxious and irritated about the points of my past about relationships, the person of my relationship about what happened and what was not cool and why was not cool and not realizing that was the past, and if I do not change my relationship to my past, then I do not allow myself to change in the present, thus re-creating it into the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not react with energy, emotions in a point of a conversation wherein I feel that I am not getting what I want, then I have to use that energy to influence me, to boost, power up, force me to change tune, tonality, words, voice without realizing what exactly I give permission to change with this energy specifically and thus not taking responsibility to be able to prevent to act upon fear, anger, spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define feeling energy as feeling alive, feeling powerful, feeling true and real meanwhile not realizing that the very definition of energy is also polarity-based, lack of energy versus having lots of energy and the more I define and rely on conditions of how I must feel, be, behave according to the amount of energy I feel or lack, then I am the less Self-directive here but act upon my past self-dishonesty as energy being the fuel of me instead of me directly here undefined, without any polarity.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've given permission to my mind, my body, my beingness to react and act according to energy automatically and defining this automatism, this permission-giving and reactions as who I am as a whole and not realizing that it is a system, and within it there is a beginning and an end, there was a creation and there will be a destruction within which I do not really exist because if there is no energy, I do not move, I do not act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having energy, not having enough energy, fear from not being able to create energy and not be able to feel energy and within that fear losing myself and the sense of direction, perception of power and not realizing that energy as I feel, define and react to it is a consequence of inner friction, polarity, separation, conflict and if I am dependent on it, being influenced by it, then I am self-dishonest, who I perceive and act upon is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely build my personality based on energy and define and identify myself according to energetic experiences within and as my human physical body and justify it as this is the feel of being alive and never slowing down, considering, directing myself to really observe what I participate within on a thought, feeling, emotion level and to exactly see within utmost specificity that it is in fact based on friction, separation, make-belief and fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within communication I want to express myself and be able to explain my starting point, my value, my reason, my want and if that is being challenged, resisted or not even being understood, then I go into the insecurity because then I question myself that 'Am I really sure that shall I talk/communicate/explain to this person right now?' and within that I focus to the doubt, the reaction, instead of focusing on the expression I do, focusing on the person who I communicate with, on the point I express and in the moment of doubt, I am separated from my communication, from the person who I communicate with and also from myself and within that separation in fact I do not have directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue with the communication when I see that I am not clear, certain, direct and present in the hereness of the moment and not realizing that it is because I participate within energy, reaction, judgement, therefore my communication is not direct, certain, self-expression, but based on a fear, therefore the common sense is to stop for a moment, re-align myself and decide a direction and walk it unconditionally within self trust and if still doubt, questioning comes up, then I use it as to cross-reference that am I sure what I do and why I do? And if not, then I change, and if yes, then I walk through any resistances breath by breath by realizing that resistances are based on fear, self-definition and those also can be understood and walked through with consistent accumulation of physical action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear from not being able to express myself, not being able to explain what I want, because in the past there were occasions when I focused on doubt, fear, mistakes instead of my expression and therefore I compromised my actual communication and then as I accepted it and repeated this pattern, I've defined myself as being incapable of communicate, and not realizing that all my perceptional limitations can be understood and walked through with applying the tools of Self-forgiveness, Self-correction, Self-commitment with written, sounded and acted step by step until I am clear and directive and consistent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I continue on focusing to how I did in the past, how I make mistakes in the past, then I am not allowing myself to be fully here, directive, to expand on expression, clarity, therefore I re-create the experience and consequence of failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define how the person is capable of better communication than me and compare the person with me and based on that feeling myself superior or inferior within communication and not realizing that this definition is also based on fear, because not allowing to be in and as the moment but superimpose the definitions of my past and within that limiting my perception and expression.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I go into emotions while I talk with someone, then I am not directive, present, effective within self-honesty, common sense, because the energy of emotion, the whole self-definition, personality system is being activated which automatically will create more reactions what I would justify with believing this is who I am and this is how I should act and not realizing that I can be and become living words directly wherein I am the words as physical expression, without energy, without rules, without definitions, and not realizing that within every single energetic reaction there is a self-definition, a fear that without it I am not capable and therefore it's a giving up, a defeat, a losing myself experience which as the more I accept and allow, the more I physically program my human physical body flesh to behave so and to stop this I have to first be able to slow down and understand and accumulate action based on a re-defined words to live, unified as being the same in mind, sounded word and action to stop the inner separation, fear, energy to direct me.

Seriousness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh when something serious is the topic and within that trying to use laughing as a trigger to not be serious because as I've defined seriousness, I would become rigid, reactive, defensive and offensive, because how I've defined myself to deal with 'seriousness' is to become hard, controlling, ruthless, clinical, rational and within this not realizing that it is based on fear, I fear losing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that when I react with a self-defined seriousness, it is of fear of loss, fear of change, who I've defined myself to be feeling being challenged, risked, attacked, which then I response to with creating distance from the subject of my self-defined source of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware of when exactly I go into the laughing and making fun of things as a defensive mechanism to prevent myself going into clinical, rational mindset and also when already seeing that I actually lose my sense of humor, awareness within the automatized 'seriousness', I try to make fun of it in order to change my perception, view of how I would react and within that not realizing that it is not self-direction, but actually based on fear of not being able to control myself, and wanting to control myself by how I act, as within this, if I make fun, am being capable of laughing, then it is not serious, which then I've defined as supportive for a mentality of 'taking it easy', which I've defined as practical approach, because then I do not take it personally, I do not lose myself within the experience of reaction and within all not seeing that what I really go into is fear and all other is automatic, pre-programmed.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am not being self-honest with myself on how I approach the polarity manifestation of my mind's creation about seriousness and defining it as a two-poled dimension from very serious to absolutely light-minded, flippant and based on that 'state' of my mind, defining how I approach things, how I react to things with myself and others without realizing it, without questioning myself and be able to apply common sense.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that there are several dimensions in my mind which are constantly being determined as a polarity-baseline of my personality and by those being defined how my 'mood', 'state of mind', 'perception', 'reaction-base' should work and within that in fact I, as, Awareness is not needed, not present, not expressed, based on self-accepted accumulation within participation of fear, which to stop I have to understand these polarity dimensions, the rules/circumstances I define and by that determine my state of mind to be able to prevent myself reacting to, automatically act upon.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware that within partnership, relationship, agreement, I allowed myself to believe that I need to fight and stand up for my rights and integrity, because as I've defined partnership, it is always based on that the other unconsciously wanting to overtake, manipulate, dominate, control the relationship and within it: me, which is the nature of consciousness, what for I do not trust my partner, therefore I should always be sharp and within this not realizing it is fear of loss, fear of change and it is the consequence of not established agreement which stands and not realizing that the only way to manifest stability, trust within partnership is the same way as I can develop it with myself and then to extend it with another person, such as stop the fear of loss, realize what I fear losing, facing and then create a process of walking through and stopping breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make fun of when who I have a conversation, communication with that the person is getting serious, emotionally charged and defining her as 'losing it', 'losing presence' and judging her/him and then within that separating myself from her/him, going into my mind, and by a polarity, defining it as I am cool, stable, while the other is uncool and unstable and feeling positive about it, because defining myself as superior, more aware, directive, while the other is someone who requires guidance, assistance, direction and within that wanting to give direction, suggestion, which I automatically wanting to share, the other to consider and when not, then having a laugh and smile and defining the situation as 'this is when I need patience and not to react' which is also of fear of if I would not apply patience and stopping reacting, then I would lose my patience and I would react, which then would mean that I would not laugh but go into serious mode which would mean I would become distant, clinical, radical and determined, which I defined not wanting to because of the worry of the other would define me as not caring or aggressive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about being defined as not caring or aggressive because then I would need to explain why I am not that and within that I would have reasons for it and within that explaining I would feel that I made something wrong which I would doubt it, and even if I would feel wrong, then I would feel doubt within me and either way I am not present anymore, I am not directive, which then I would feel being uncomfortable with, which then I would define as not cool and unsympathetic, which I would want to change, otherwise I would end up being stressful, anxious, fearful without realizing why exactly and what is the reason for it and what is the starting point to be able to apply common sense and prevent myself to react with fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I have resistance to be with someone based on reasons I have to find reasons and circumstances to why to accept, within which I would not be sure, consistent about, then based on that I cannot really build an agreement on, therefore I must be able to become absolutely self-honest with myself and see what I am currently accepting and allowing and why, and what it is I can, want and will change in order to the agreement to create without any reaction, anxiety, worry, fear.

I commit myself to continue to reveal my fears, definitions of when I go into the dimension of serious---not serious dimension and why and work on stopping it, and use common sense, and see what I fear from losing to embrace and decide what is the best not only for me but other participants as well.

[JTL Day 218] Sounding Self-forgiveness part 2

I am further exploring the Sounding Self-forgiveness from the previous post:

• [JTL Day 217] Sounding Self-forgiveness part 1

I see expansion - the forced forgetfulness excuse is gone, that is a make belief that I can't remember what I said, especially if I said more and more sentences.

I am present, I walk through the word constructs within my mind and I detach from energetic automatic programming with Sounding Self-forgiveness.

There is still sometimes an urge to quicken up, this has been a massive construct in my mind, due to the extreme amount of psychedelic drugs I've pushed through my system in the starting point of energy and light delusion, but it's decomposing as well.

Well, the point is that I've also avoided to talk and share about quite some amount of topics which I am becoming aware of, mostly because I first cross-reference all I experience to prevent further self-deception, which I've accepted and allowed previously within the spiritual deceptive agendas I've also participated within.

By walking the Desteni I Process courses during the last couple of years - there is no doubt it is supporting me within the substantiating of self-presence, self-trust and self-direction.

Whole points, what previously I've judged in my life as 'my greatest challenges' are becoming daily walk to face and re-align with practical change if I see self-dishonesty in my starting point-action, such as partnership, fear of not being good enough and fear of mistakes.

The process is just started, which is humble, because the recognition of the same LIFE is within all, equally and if one is not acting according to that, there is no need any more explanation that the one is still walking personal process from pre-programmed mind consciousness system to all-life-aware awareness self-expression.

Sounding Self-forgiveness is immediate, direct, stabilizing and physical expression if it's self-honest.

So the points I've been realized about it recently are:

• if the words would want to come out faster than I can say the words aloud, sounding alright, then it is indicating there is a rush coming from my mind, which means I direct myself to slow down, there can be an unrealistic perception, conviction making me believe that I need to rush or it's better or it's like pouring a bucket out - which is then not self-direction, so I stop, I breathe and I express word by word as myself and within those words I live them literally as myself, as I really give for myself a new understanding, a new chance, a new direction.

• if there is a perception that after a Self-forgiveness point/sentence/expression/understanding/exploration, there is another coming up, like I forgive myself for accepting myself to fear and then in the next moment I see this fear closer, so I see that it is common sense to continue with that I forgive myself for accepting myself to fear from mistakes and then I open up what kind of mistakes, why fearing from specific mistakes, until I am not aware of all it's parts - I do not have to go through the reactions, thoughts, word constructs and it's energy reactions to 'feel' it - I forgive myself until I am becoming 'aware' of it - it's like in the Matrix movie: Don't think you are - Know you are. Because if I know myself, I do not need to think anymore, I MOVE, I ACT, I LIVE, I EXPRESS.. And if it's not constant, consistent, then I apply Self-forgiveness to KNOW SELF HERE first. This is when going down the rabbit hole - no matter how deep it is - I keep digging until I see everything - from where this 'fear' started within and as me. And the tendency to give up, to stop digging until I am aware of all aspects can arise. So it is also a self-reflection point to see - until when I apply Self-forgiveness. Within Self-honesty there can be learned to be aware of it - is there any layer, is there any reaction/energy/movement still within me which I am not aware of? I am seeing all parts of it to such a degree that I can practically assist and support myself within stopping and changing?

Within Sounding Self-forgiveness allowing myself to not stop within worry of not having enough time, but disciplining myself to stick to absolute specificity the most direct way I can unveil who I have accepted and allowed myself to became.

I remember, when I started to write this blog around 2008, many times I wrote about one-two pages when I've got to the more direct, self-supportive self-honest writing expression - then by days, months, years it can become a skill - there is still sometimes that I sit down writing without specific direction - and I can recognize it - and I can apply specificity and face and walk through points more directly. It's a process, these are skills which are essential for the human being to understand, stop and transcend the normally accepted insanity of constant time-looping within personality programs of self-interest, the delusion of all-power love meanwhile having absolutely no real purpose, principle and integrity in relation to taking responsibility for existence here.

Also it is important to face any reaction/construct justifying why not needing to apply self-forgiveness.

'I do not need to forgive my promiscuity desires, I will just live them out and during that I will let them go'.

If I fear letting go a pattern, it is because there is self-definition, which I fear losing because then I would need to change which I do not want and then by being identified with my mind/thoughts/reactions/resistances - I accept it as self-limitation and even label it as 'this is who I am' and stop questioning it.

There is this delusion that I must live and try everything first to really see that it is not really what I want - not realizing that there is always consequence within physical time-space.

One can walk through any desires- regardless of how tempting or simple, easy they seem - even that within my mind there are things what seem to be more big and important, those perceptions are for manipulate self to be able to label points, things, self-dishonesties as 'small', 'insignificant', but in fact everything always accumulates and from small things build up everything one by one.

It's also about Self-application with Self-forgiveness - if I define that 'I do not apply Self-forgiveness to take responsibility in this moment, but will do it later' - it is an action, a decision, there is consequence and the more I do it the more I literally become this pattern up to a point where I do not even 'need to reason/justify', because I am totally biased by myself.

If I look around in this world, it is the constant acceptance and allowance of small things what accumulated into this total separation from our beingness with energy, being in the substance but not as it, feeling imprisoned in the physical while in fact our prison is the mind, the justification of why shit happens, because of this is how things turned out and not realizing that we are not just part of this creation, but we actually are creation.

With Self-forgiveness we take this responsibility as creator, created and creation as equal and one and word by word we can literally understand re-align our expression to stop the accumulation of acceptance and allowance of self-acceptance, self-limitation, self-delusion.

Sounding Self-forgiveness also has the physical voice, sound - and immediately we can hear if the words are not spoken well, clearly, is there any wavering, uncertainty, difficulty, resistance, energy - then to explore that as well and in the moment apply that further understanding into more specificity and direct change, here in and as the physical.

I will continue further about Sounding Self-forgiveness...

[JTL Day 206] Tiredness vs Awareness part 6 - practicality

This is the continuation of the mind-tiredness patterns and expanding on impatience:

• [JTL Day 205] Tiredness vs Awareness part 5 - impatience

So I've been 'practicing' the moment of truth with myself so to speak, when at moments I need to wait yet I want to rush forward, currently pronouncing: with computers.

I mention it as moment of truth - in fact all moment is truth - but do we realize it?

When I am facing the point of friction because within my mind I want to rush while not being aligned with reality, kind of reality feels like drags me down, pulls back, or at least I judge it like that in my mind and thus judging it as bad and that creates the friction, energy, charge experience.

I have a cool example: I am using a browser add-on which allows me to set up my Stumbleupon account and be able to 'Like' a page simply with a keyboard shortcut - thus whatever page I find as cool Self-support, simply being able to add it to my Stumbleupon profile's collection.

Sometimes Stumbleupon just marks it as 'Liked' and adds it immediately but sometimes it loads a pop-up for clarifying that the page is safe for work, can be tagged, give a quote and more info about it.

Then a pop-up page appears where this can be set up and it recently changed, thus it does not load almost immediately, but mostly in 2-3 seconds. Also after filling the form when I send it - it also takes 1-3 seconds to send it and I have to wait while if I click away it cancels sending thus I literally have to stop doing anything.

Initially when this change happened and I tried to add a page to my SU. collection, I've had this reaction like 'holy shit, how long I have to wait' - and after that I've wrote my previous blog post.

I mean I was so impatient, that I've felt like losing my life on needing to wait for 2 seconds! Because in my mind I've defined this as a simple gesture when added to a keyboard shortcut, that is why those shortcuts exist, right? I just press and the machine gets it and then I am already 'on' my next moment.

But obviously many things happen meanwhile as it's in sync with my SU profile, checks the site itself, loads the form of extra questions, sends it, sends reply - being a programmer I KNOW that it takes a lot to manage something like this, especially in a multi-million-user system, like Stumbleupon.

So about this I almost started to form a judgement as a point of frustration - and then as writing all of these blog posts - I was able to slow down and stop for a moment and take a breath. It's just that - and the page's loaded.

And then I've realized what I've wrote about previously - it is always one breath to let it all go and be here, just be and remain here.

And we can be always one breath away from HERE, but sometimes to get here it's obviously a process, cannot be forced or just be changed in one moment within behavior, chain-reactions of automated, self-defined judgements we feel as it is who we are, but within walking Process one moment another, in a sense it is Self Here already walking and that is the most profound thing a human can achieve: to change and direct oneself one breath at a time and walk through the self-created mind-limitations unconditionally.

Within this it's to acknowledge that each written word about our mind, our relationship with our mind, behavior, the reactions, the realizations, the points needing to understand more, to see it before going into the same patterns, to stabilize, to slow down, to feel the presence - these all accumulate into a more aware, more present, more responsible human being to be able to direct ourselves to become.

I see that by writing this, I have the opportunity to forge this realization into practical ability to remain here and consistent within effective and present breathing to prevent myself going into reaction and at the same time to be able to intimately see what is the reason I am going into reaction and behind the layers there is always judgement, fear which is not necessary and in fact the opposite of real support for effective solution.

And the tendency within my mind to re-create and evolve existing patterns can still surprise me sometimes for instance when activating the Stumbleupon keyboard shortcut and coming this impatience reaction and within that automatically saying to myself: 'patience mode, breath' - and to realize it is already of a pattern which is in fact not absolute self-honesty, because there is still a reason, a condition, thus not self here is expressing but again: leaning on and hiding behind a condition, a rule, a judgement, separation, pattern and for that there is Self-honesty as a compass to then engage myself more within specifying the understanding for why I still do not remain here unconditionally, what is the reason, the memory, the self-definition that I still rely on more than absolute self-trust.

And for that the Desteni group, study material, the online courses and EQAFE lectures are the key support - to understand my creation and within that grasping the whole existence's creation and thus to be able to effectively walk through the layers of the mind consciousness system, which is indeed vast, but not infinite, difficult, yet the process, as Self is: simplicity.

Thus I specify and continue walking through the layers of the mind - also I still walk the DIP Agreement Course which is really a cornerstone of my self-support currently, thus I really suggest to check it out and dare to walk.

So - with the Stumbleupon point I wanted to give a practical example, which I will continue to walk with Self-forgiveness along with another point which is emerging recently.

When and as I sit in front of a computer I see/realize/understand that I have allowed myself to automatize my behavior, give permission my mind to react to self-defined conditions with positive and negative energy and allowing to accumulate into physical feelings, moods, tension and accepting those and not questioning, stopping and changing myself about those because that leads to inconsistency, impatience, tiredness.

When and as I sit down in front of a computer I stop defining myself and my attitude according to the computer's speed, capacity, responsiveness by realizing that I decide when to react to what within considering what supports me within self-honesty.

When and as I experience that the computer is slow, not responding, the browser, applications are not loading immediately, I breathe, I simply am here and remain undefined - I see/realize/understand that I am capable of deciding what I am going to do with the computer and once I decided it, it does not matter how slow it's going to take - I remain here, breathing, consistent, unwavering meanwhile directing myself and the computer - and if meanwhile it would take that much time what would not be common sense to wait, then I act accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware the point of self-acceptance and self-defeat within that not being able to decide when it is too much time to wait or embrace the computer's/internet's speed while doing something with it but defining rules and conditions to when and what to react and defining the accumulation of these reactions as frustration and when it would come defining it that it is not cool and then defining my relationship with this not-cool-ness to THEN do something about it and focusing to these reactions completely losing perspective and forgetting the fact that in fact I am not directing myself, I am not present, not here and also that I allow these self-defined reactions to tell me when it is too much, when I am being frustrated, when I should do something practical about the fact that it takes too much time to wait for the computer.

This is important - because in fact within self-honest walking with self-forgiveness it is clear that I've decided to accept each and every single reaction to become automatic and thus allow myself to be compromised by actually creating reactions what are not supporting, diverting my attention from the actual solution and becoming unstable, creating friction and making myself tired.

And the solution can be sometimes just accept that 2 seconds to wait when clicking - or when working with videos I face extreme amount of lag sometimes as it does what I do - mostly complex multi-layered hd-animations - and finding more effective, smart, doable workflows without reacting with so much unnecessary frustrations.

Also the solution can be realized also that I would need a better computer, a faster internet, if that's possible and then to consider how to manage that - another whole scenario can open up, for instance financial considerations - to find out how much it would cost to upgrade and if I can have money for that - is there any reactions in my mind on spending the required amount? If there is no enough money, how I could have such amount and what I would require to do and meanwhile be aware of what is the priority here.

I mean to actually do something in this reality it is mostly being able to work with limitations without being limited - which can also be judged as obstacles, something to resist to realize, face, overcome, solve - and also can be seen as challenge, fascination, like what I am going to face and realize about myself meanwhile walking this challenge, for instance within this to prioritize how to upgrade my computer and meanwhile not become frustrated but be able to be effective within it's usage.

Anything can be possible and everything can be compromised in the mind but one thing is certain - if there are reactions automatically, frustration, energies, instability, then we are not the directive principle but accumulation of self-acceptance, self-defeat, self-dishonesty, thus to walk through those also an accumulation is required: of self-direction, self-stability and self-honesty.

I write this meanwhile the computer renders a frame of a 15 seconds of animation in ten seconds, thus for sure it takes time but meanwhile I walk through the conflicts of the mind and remain here, directive, stable.

I will continue with more specific self-correction, self-forgiveness and self-commitment on preventing to react with the mind but instead of remain here, directive and breathing.

[JTL Day 188] 5. Living the principle of Self Responsibility

5. Living the principle of Self Responsibility – 

realising only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others.

(One of My Declaration of Principle)

Self-responsibility - this seems as one point though as I open it within the actual manifestations, how in fact just for instance myself being interconnected with many others, especially those who I am not aware of, yet I am bit by bit contributing for things to manifest which I completely miss: the things I do within and through the money system. Let's say I have 100 money - I just get that and spend it on something - I do not really know how that amount came to me and when I spend it - I do not really know where it goes. I can follow how it is accumulating and splitting and multiplying and that happens all the time as billions and billions are moving all around constantly and there is no one human who can take responsibility for all of it at once - it is a vast system which in fact runs by itself, there is no any single individual who would be crucial in it's operation, so within that individuality is quite irrelevant, yet there is a word what connects all individuals into it: accumulation.

The same goes within the mind - there are always events, scenarios, circumstances around me - whether I participate in the world system or not - I am already in and as this human physical body - no escape - that puts me directly into the circulation.
For the sole surviving, the physical body's needs food, water, shelter, health care. How to get that? Participating within the system. How to do that? For the things one should know about there is parenting, education, knowledge. Words. Definitions. Relationships.

Humans have a mind, within with they can think: silent words, some filled with energies, feelings, emotions.
Simply by being in and as this human physical body: humans has the interface with the system, each other through words.

We use words to describe, to remember, to plan, to express, to explore and expand. Word by word we create.

We come from the past and being in the present and going to the future - time is passing through and within that we always accumulate - especially the things we repeat. Anything I repeat, I accumulate it's effect, that's right. Anything I repeat, I accumulate it's effect - 1+1=2, that is how this system has power over individuals and that is how our mind we give permission one plus one time always, constantly to tell us how we are is human nature, this is how always we've been, war, rape, murder is who we are and that is what we manifest and accumulate by believing this is who we really are but in fact it is just a compound interest of something not life.

There are manifested consequences within and as the mind, as equal as one as in the physical reality - even the very action of doing or not doing anything has already impact in this reality.

Self-responsibility is to reveal and understand this creation, its very starting point and realize how me, I, the individual am busy participating within it and questioning why; and not stopping at half-way within finding the real answers to the fundamental question of who I really am.

What I allow in this reality is my responsibility, the limits I accept is who I am equal and one with.

This seems as an already done creation, everything is in interaction, everyone is someone, doing what they are doing all the time, even if one stops for a moment to question, there is an interest within it, an intent, a starting point which has already something given, created, accumulated into.

I've recognized the fact that I've gave permission to my mind to react and accumulate with energy and by that to influence, move me and my world and by that accumulating to manifest consequences, which is not best for me, not best for all.
To "go into" judgement, reaction, denial, delusion, fear, confusion, obsession, frustration is quite easy as being a human, yet it does not require dozens of years of education to recognize that it is not really self-supportive, yet everyone accepts self within these states to be.
Furthermore, to scratch what is behind all the positive feelings, desire, love, happiness - these also can be -and should be - questioned within objective common sense, not only from the individual's interest but the whole environment and see whether it is best for all or not.

That is my responsibility and most of the time, especially within this human system 'other' people do not know, can not really see when specifically I am dishonest: mostly because they are also busy within their mind, because it is widely accepted and also because it requires principle and living responsibility to investigate, to understand, to see, to realize.

That is why it is SELF-responsibility, because only Self can stand up as responsible for self-acceptance, self-dishonesty, self-deception to be able to stop.
And there are times when I see I am changing, for instance just in this morning I was seeing many patterns I've participated previously as reacting with emotion, fear, anger and instability and this time I did not - not because it is just happening, but because I discipline myself to walk the process of Self-forgiveness, write down the patterns, slow myself down within, question knowledge, explore solutions, accumulating with one plus one action into self-knowing and self-empowerment to self-will and self-trust to really understand what it would mean "what is best for all is what is best for me".

So within that awareness, prevention for reactions I've directed myself to not fall at several points this time and at one I've noticed some energy movement within me, which was not self-directed - it was not a big reaction, just it was there - so I specify, I expand my practical knowledge of what I consist of, because I am responsible for that tiny reaction, which was in fact questionable from the point of absolute self-honesty, therefore it is my responsibility to question and give the best possible practical answer next time if it would occur.

And there is nothing bad or wrong in these moments of when I react with sharp tongue and provocative words as I did this time reacting to someone becoming emotional, but how and who I responded as: I was able to notice that I had something energy compound which I did not direct within awareness, thus it accumulated into this exerting, which was then not really supportive.
I repeat, thus accumulate: doesn't seem to be a big deal, but I am sure, from small things occurring constantly grows all big and then manifesting irreversible consequences, which is smarter to prevent.

Just like the world system, within the capitalistic money-hypnosis to fuel the energy of the same mind which reacts instead of directs.

Within the world system, self-responsibility has been separated into endless amount of self-interests and the strive for apparently ultimate experiences as happiness and love, power and stability, which to get within this harsh and neglecting system requires money, what is accumulated that the rich feel positive by enslaving the poor who feel negative.

This is the very same within the mind: having negative judgements accumulating into emotional storms and make the individual strive to grasp which is provided, taught, suggested, hypnotized as positive, good, all of this through accumulation of words, images, reactions, ending up the human being just an word-and feeling-driven programmable experience organic machine, apparently always choosing which is good for this apparent idea of self, which is completely separated from everything else, lost in the experience, defined by the reactions, limited to self-interest.

We are in a quite closed system wherein separation and opinion is more important than the fact that we breathe the same air, drink the same water, our bodies are build from the same dust.
Each mother knows how much has to be provided for a child, yet it is absolutely neglected for billions.
Each father exactly knows what it means when can not provide the best for their own family, yet they accept themselves as can not being able to consider all other fathers - and mothers and children - equally, just mesmerized, bubbled into their own tiny experience-reality.
Each and every single human child is facing the same world when born, feeling the same sun and most of them are determined for endless suffering what for it is really rare that someone would like, can or even willing to take responsibility for

Each human exactly knows that without proper food, shelter, education, health care this world can easily become hell, yet it is disregarded completely for those who have no money by abusing the very word: self-responsibility by blaming 'their self' for what they accept and manifest while 'my-self' is quite alright.

It is human right to choose yet in fact it is not a choice who is born into what amount of utopia from the fact of that there is no unconditional love existing in this planet, or if one perceives such - it is deliberate to screw with the mind to not manifest it for all equally based on some hidden agenda.
These things simply happen, because SELF has not yet been understood, realized, lived, therefore realizing that Self-responsibility is not just about oneself but it starts here.
Disregarding the point of equality as breathing the same life force within each is creating unthinkable amount of abuse which only can be dealt by individuals standing with the same starting point as Self-responsibility in unison, accumulated into by many "one plus one equals two"-s.

So Self-responsibility is to see who I am and what is my DIRECT responsibility as an individual in regarding to my mind and located within a physical human system wherein each one starts to realize that currently this all accumulates into manifestations what is obviously not best for all and to purify one's beingness to the point of being able to deal with what is here, facts, physical reality and stand within unwavering, unchanging as the principle as all life and investigate, research, manifest, accumulate practical solutions for the systems to be changed one plus one until it is a world wherein all can live a real life, a life which we could wish for ourselves as others proudly.

After I've started to walk out from the mind-systems to physical Earth, it is clear for me that the Journey to Life blogging Process of Self-forgiveness and Desteni I Process courses(starting with the DIP LITE) is the foundation for taking self-responsibility for a principled living within which I see/realize/understand that only I can change myself and to explore and share unconditionally what that really means.

Thus I share all my realizations, insights, mistakes, solutions, changes to ensure that I live the principles what I talk, I take responsibility for all who I am, who we are and what we are going to manifest as the future of us all.