[JTL Day 206] Tiredness vs Awareness part 6 - practicality

This is the continuation of the mind-tiredness patterns and expanding on impatience:

• [JTL Day 205] Tiredness vs Awareness part 5 - impatience

So I've been 'practicing' the moment of truth with myself so to speak, when at moments I need to wait yet I want to rush forward, currently pronouncing: with computers.

I mention it as moment of truth - in fact all moment is truth - but do we realize it?

When I am facing the point of friction because within my mind I want to rush while not being aligned with reality, kind of reality feels like drags me down, pulls back, or at least I judge it like that in my mind and thus judging it as bad and that creates the friction, energy, charge experience.

I have a cool example: I am using a browser add-on which allows me to set up my Stumbleupon account and be able to 'Like' a page simply with a keyboard shortcut - thus whatever page I find as cool Self-support, simply being able to add it to my Stumbleupon profile's collection.

Sometimes Stumbleupon just marks it as 'Liked' and adds it immediately but sometimes it loads a pop-up for clarifying that the page is safe for work, can be tagged, give a quote and more info about it.

Then a pop-up page appears where this can be set up and it recently changed, thus it does not load almost immediately, but mostly in 2-3 seconds. Also after filling the form when I send it - it also takes 1-3 seconds to send it and I have to wait while if I click away it cancels sending thus I literally have to stop doing anything.

Initially when this change happened and I tried to add a page to my SU. collection, I've had this reaction like 'holy shit, how long I have to wait' - and after that I've wrote my previous blog post.

I mean I was so impatient, that I've felt like losing my life on needing to wait for 2 seconds! Because in my mind I've defined this as a simple gesture when added to a keyboard shortcut, that is why those shortcuts exist, right? I just press and the machine gets it and then I am already 'on' my next moment.

But obviously many things happen meanwhile as it's in sync with my SU profile, checks the site itself, loads the form of extra questions, sends it, sends reply - being a programmer I KNOW that it takes a lot to manage something like this, especially in a multi-million-user system, like Stumbleupon.

So about this I almost started to form a judgement as a point of frustration - and then as writing all of these blog posts - I was able to slow down and stop for a moment and take a breath. It's just that - and the page's loaded.

And then I've realized what I've wrote about previously - it is always one breath to let it all go and be here, just be and remain here.

And we can be always one breath away from HERE, but sometimes to get here it's obviously a process, cannot be forced or just be changed in one moment within behavior, chain-reactions of automated, self-defined judgements we feel as it is who we are, but within walking Process one moment another, in a sense it is Self Here already walking and that is the most profound thing a human can achieve: to change and direct oneself one breath at a time and walk through the self-created mind-limitations unconditionally.

Within this it's to acknowledge that each written word about our mind, our relationship with our mind, behavior, the reactions, the realizations, the points needing to understand more, to see it before going into the same patterns, to stabilize, to slow down, to feel the presence - these all accumulate into a more aware, more present, more responsible human being to be able to direct ourselves to become.

I see that by writing this, I have the opportunity to forge this realization into practical ability to remain here and consistent within effective and present breathing to prevent myself going into reaction and at the same time to be able to intimately see what is the reason I am going into reaction and behind the layers there is always judgement, fear which is not necessary and in fact the opposite of real support for effective solution.

And the tendency within my mind to re-create and evolve existing patterns can still surprise me sometimes for instance when activating the Stumbleupon keyboard shortcut and coming this impatience reaction and within that automatically saying to myself: 'patience mode, breath' - and to realize it is already of a pattern which is in fact not absolute self-honesty, because there is still a reason, a condition, thus not self here is expressing but again: leaning on and hiding behind a condition, a rule, a judgement, separation, pattern and for that there is Self-honesty as a compass to then engage myself more within specifying the understanding for why I still do not remain here unconditionally, what is the reason, the memory, the self-definition that I still rely on more than absolute self-trust.

And for that the Desteni group, study material, the online courses and EQAFE lectures are the key support - to understand my creation and within that grasping the whole existence's creation and thus to be able to effectively walk through the layers of the mind consciousness system, which is indeed vast, but not infinite, difficult, yet the process, as Self is: simplicity.

Thus I specify and continue walking through the layers of the mind - also I still walk the DIP Agreement Course which is really a cornerstone of my self-support currently, thus I really suggest to check it out and dare to walk.

So - with the Stumbleupon point I wanted to give a practical example, which I will continue to walk with Self-forgiveness along with another point which is emerging recently.

When and as I sit in front of a computer I see/realize/understand that I have allowed myself to automatize my behavior, give permission my mind to react to self-defined conditions with positive and negative energy and allowing to accumulate into physical feelings, moods, tension and accepting those and not questioning, stopping and changing myself about those because that leads to inconsistency, impatience, tiredness.

When and as I sit down in front of a computer I stop defining myself and my attitude according to the computer's speed, capacity, responsiveness by realizing that I decide when to react to what within considering what supports me within self-honesty.

When and as I experience that the computer is slow, not responding, the browser, applications are not loading immediately, I breathe, I simply am here and remain undefined - I see/realize/understand that I am capable of deciding what I am going to do with the computer and once I decided it, it does not matter how slow it's going to take - I remain here, breathing, consistent, unwavering meanwhile directing myself and the computer - and if meanwhile it would take that much time what would not be common sense to wait, then I act accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware the point of self-acceptance and self-defeat within that not being able to decide when it is too much time to wait or embrace the computer's/internet's speed while doing something with it but defining rules and conditions to when and what to react and defining the accumulation of these reactions as frustration and when it would come defining it that it is not cool and then defining my relationship with this not-cool-ness to THEN do something about it and focusing to these reactions completely losing perspective and forgetting the fact that in fact I am not directing myself, I am not present, not here and also that I allow these self-defined reactions to tell me when it is too much, when I am being frustrated, when I should do something practical about the fact that it takes too much time to wait for the computer.

This is important - because in fact within self-honest walking with self-forgiveness it is clear that I've decided to accept each and every single reaction to become automatic and thus allow myself to be compromised by actually creating reactions what are not supporting, diverting my attention from the actual solution and becoming unstable, creating friction and making myself tired.

And the solution can be sometimes just accept that 2 seconds to wait when clicking - or when working with videos I face extreme amount of lag sometimes as it does what I do - mostly complex multi-layered hd-animations - and finding more effective, smart, doable workflows without reacting with so much unnecessary frustrations.

Also the solution can be realized also that I would need a better computer, a faster internet, if that's possible and then to consider how to manage that - another whole scenario can open up, for instance financial considerations - to find out how much it would cost to upgrade and if I can have money for that - is there any reactions in my mind on spending the required amount? If there is no enough money, how I could have such amount and what I would require to do and meanwhile be aware of what is the priority here.

I mean to actually do something in this reality it is mostly being able to work with limitations without being limited - which can also be judged as obstacles, something to resist to realize, face, overcome, solve - and also can be seen as challenge, fascination, like what I am going to face and realize about myself meanwhile walking this challenge, for instance within this to prioritize how to upgrade my computer and meanwhile not become frustrated but be able to be effective within it's usage.

Anything can be possible and everything can be compromised in the mind but one thing is certain - if there are reactions automatically, frustration, energies, instability, then we are not the directive principle but accumulation of self-acceptance, self-defeat, self-dishonesty, thus to walk through those also an accumulation is required: of self-direction, self-stability and self-honesty.

I write this meanwhile the computer renders a frame of a 15 seconds of animation in ten seconds, thus for sure it takes time but meanwhile I walk through the conflicts of the mind and remain here, directive, stable.

I will continue with more specific self-correction, self-forgiveness and self-commitment on preventing to react with the mind but instead of remain here, directive and breathing.

[JTL 137] Slowing down part 2

Latest Self-support from Desteni farm:

• Practical Desteni: Quantum Time and Physical Space-Time Equilibrium
• Creation's journey to Life: Stimulation – Thy Rod and Thy Staff - Part 2

After a long ranting and raving, I continue walking Slowing down:

I've finished how I see myself compromised with the idea of freedom and the actual freedom - and if I am not fully present - it happens automatically, meaning for instance thinking that one who has no home is free to go anywhere however it is not likely if one as no money, so then a thought comes that: freedom: travel anywhere: only if money: I do not have that much money: I should have reason why I do not have - and more reactions can come and all is some sort of inner friction.

As Joao Jesus expressed it in music: "Only I can change myself" - check out his downloadable most excellent music at EQAFE:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I do not actually change, but I constantly prove myself having the ability to change, with I actually change but not as directly as I could.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself within being able to change, whatever I behave like based on decision, motivation and direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use energy to change, to stimulate myself with energy to change, and not realizing that without the energy, I stop changing, I stop myself, I am dependent on energy, it is not directly who I am but according to stimulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to prove myself being able to change instead of directly change myself without any inner reaction, any doubt, worry, fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define perfection according to a feeling I've defined myself to feel when I expose my senses to art.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define values according to feelings I have being stimulated by vision, hearing, touch, taste, smell.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that all I've ever existed that I've defined who I am and limited myself to only defining myself to be who I am according to actually what I did.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that for self-judgment I've defined myself who I am to be able to have a feeling reaction about myself as positive or negative or neutral and participating within society I defined what is good and bad based on these feelings.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I compromise my direct sensing by automatic, apparently 'free' associations towards experiences however in fact these are automatic.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that speeding up within with energy is not means that myself actually speeding up but the self-accepted self-definitions as information flows to not needing to face what is here undefined, without prejudice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define having definitions, judgments, thoughts, backchats about things, persons, events, objects in my reality as good, great, cool because believing that it helps me to decide what I want based on conclusions I made in the past for instance thinking is cool because making me smart and never investigating what it is exactly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define thinking as cool because believing that makes me smart and not realizing that the existing fear I accept that without thoughts I am not smart enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry to not having energy, to not feel energetic, to not be able to direct myself regardless of energies which I feel in my mind such as thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that slowing down within when thoughts start to move, to breathe and present myself literally here within physical and direct myself to disregard the thoughts and understand the dynamics of thought, the origin of the thought, the solution physically to prevent the thought emerging and allowing myself to be possessed with.

An example of such thought:

I have no time, I do not have enough money for buying time to do what I really want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I do not have enough time for what I want to do and not realizing that time is attention I give to what I prioritize.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use justification that I do not have enough time and money to move effectively and using this as excuse to not walk through my self-defined, self-accepted, self-created limitations in order to not change, to not take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within not taking responsibility for what I accept and allow in fact I allow myself to be inferior towards creation here therefore I use feeling inferior reaction to accept self-limitation until I do not realize I must face and stop reacting and direct myself to let it go.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to use effective timing and scheduling in order to not create friction and stress within about not having enough time and using polarities to define myself about how much I am limited by lack of time meanwhile in fact I simply do not use scheduling time within being overwhelmed, possessed, occupied with thoughts, feelings reaction what I've allowed myself to define as more important, interesting than the things I've defined as priority.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be aware of that there is an ideal imagination of myself who I want to be and there is an actual physical manifestation of myself and the two is not the same so by having the starting point and definition point of the ideal/imagined/desired self and the actual self and that already creates friction, energy which compounds, influences, directs me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myselt to think and believe that I do have to have an ideal self imagination to participate with without actually considering who I really am in and as the physical currently.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined who I am according to personality based on the specific belief that I do need to move faster in my mind than physically and defining my reality based on the mind and disregard physical and not seeing that this creates friction, energy within me which cause feelings, energetic experiences, moods wherein I am completely obsessed with inner experiences while excluding physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a belief that I do require to speed up within, collect as much energy as I can with I can change myself, therefore to accept inner conflict and friction and turmoil seems natural because it will generate energies within what I've defined as being alive, moving faster, feeling energetic while in fact all what happens is that I overcharge my mind of thoughts, feelings, emotions which I've defined myself to be and not realizing that the source, the origin, the reality of me is here in and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face and investigate, deal and practically stop each and every single entry of my self-accepted inner speeding up within what I do not realize how each inner reaction is programmed to stimulate the next within what I am constantly occupied and in fact lost within consciousness as perceived knowledge and information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that expressing mysef within physical breathing I am actively moving myself here as beingness and stopping myself as thoughts, energetic experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not realized and understood that stopping thoughts within does not make me less smart, but more present, constant, stable, therefore to have any excuse for why I allow thoughts freely rant in my head is not valid, only consciousness knowledge I use to tell me who I am while in and as the physical I exist as the flesh.

I forgive myself that I have never considered the physical beingness as the most direct, full and living expression of myself and believing that who I am is of consciousness, of thoughts and not realizing that I can exist without thought but I can not exist effectively within being occupied with thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest with myself to the degree to realize that when I think - actually I worry, I fear and the thought pattern is the reflection of the inner fear of loss which I do not allow myself to see, understand, realize why and how I exactly manifest the speciftic thought pattern within as a result of energetic experience of perception of separation based on fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down within to the degree while breathing within and as physical breathing to see how thoughts are being triggered from what experiences and realize that in fact it is my decision to accept and allow this energetic experience within the belief that it is myself, that it is required for my living, that it is who I am and not seeing that each thought is the limitation reflection of the past.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to investigate Earth existence, people, ways and methods to realize that thinking is a con, wherein thought is the result of the starting point of existing within fear and inferiority in regards to existence, consciousness, ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight energies within the belief that I can dominate my energies to quiet them down and not realizing that within fighting I am split and whatever I do - I am not in equillibrium but of friction and the solution is to stop, stop participate, to let go, to breathe within quiet mind and disregard energy, judgment, fear.

When and as I see that I am moving faster within that I could see each movement within of why and how I react - I slow down, I breathe, I feel the physical, I sense my reality and I realize that it is not about how much or how fast I move within my quantum mind but in and as the physical here what is being shared with all other beings.

When and as I feel I do not have energy, I stop, I breathe, I realize I allow thoughts and feelings to tell me how and who I am instead of using common sense and realize my physical location and take responsibility for what I accept and allow, specifically to use energy of the mind of reactions instead of directly exist as physical.

-Resisting the physical as self:
(I suggest if you did not yet walked through this: God of Man: The Physical )

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, think that if I stop participate in the mind and I stick to physical here, then I am only an organic robot, a zombie, a machine within the belief that without thoughts, feelins I am not man and not realizing that who I am as man is not because of thoughts, feelings, emotions but who I am physically here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, perceive that the physical is less, lesser, less important, relevant or valid, real than the consciousness mind energetic experiences and never slow down within to the degree and be self-honest about it to realize: the source is the physical, the consciousness is dependent of the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that existing within the starting point of consciousness, such as energies, emotiones, feelings, love is not valid as accepts and allows abuse in and as the physical in beings, humans, children, women based on knowledge and information being superimposed to the flesh what must be stopped by a process of self-realization of investigating and releasing all points which are not relevant within practical, effective, life-supporting existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more powerful, smart, wise, ethernal or anything what feels good within and as consciousness by thoughts, feelings, emotions and not realizing that it is not real and when the body dies, consciousness stops as there is no source, energy-source to supply anymore, therefore to disregard physical means disregard real life, to accept abuse on physical level in this existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not learn how to exist within and as the physical and how it is in fact much direct and real living when not using mind consciousness to tell me who I am, to not having thoughts to echo back who I supposed to be.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that the Self-realization means to be able to stand within and as the flesh within this existence but not of this existence, to exist within consciousness systems, but not of consciousness systems, to embrace the mind and understanding it, but not participate in it, meaning stopping the addiction of thinkinig, feeling, desiring, worrying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to slow down within by using thought-reaction energy and wanting to bombard, shock, overcharge my mind in order to stop instead of realizing that slowing down is physical process and to each and every inner reaction what comes up automatically can be understood and stopped one by one.

When and as I do not feel the breath physically - I realize I lost presence, I stop, I physically re-align myself as being here, breathing, slowing down within, letting go of patterns within and realizing: I am actually here, as touch, as feel, as smell, as presence.

When and as somebody states that consciousness, mind, energy, feelings are important, greater, superior, more real, more cool than the physical - I stop reacting within - I stop resisting to argue - I realize it is not about what I talk or feel, but what I act in and as the physical, so I realize it is about living an example of starting point as the physical as life.

When and as I see that someone is stating that physical is just lesser I do not go into reaction, I realize it is the being's individual process what I face and who I am is what I express, so I am presence, direction, physical expression here.

When and as I worry that someone would disagree with me that being the physical as more relevant instead of consciousness - I realize it is obvious, I do not have to prove it - rather than I can see what points I allow being triggered within and I take responsibility to stop it and if I see appliable - I speak up naturally, I express how I see the point to assist and support myself and others as well.

When and as I see that I can not explain what I see, understand, realize - I slow down within and I realize I can only simplify and slow down within and express who I am within self-honesty and not allowing any point within to oppose, argue, prove or persuade anything and when I see the impulse to do so - I realize I am not present but of thoughts, feelings, worry, separation, polarity - so I stop, I slow down within, I let go all what I experience and I simply focus to what is here, what is common sense.

I commit myself to find practical ways to slow down within and realize that it is my starting point as life and when I do compromise my inner quietness I commit myself to apply the tools provided by desteni to support myself to re-align myself with flesh of life which is who I am and take responsibility for.

to be continued

I suggest if you are not aware of these tools and how support and assist ourselves to check out Desteni I Process Lite free online self-direction course to get familiar with the Process of Self-forgiveness, which is actually the act of god: to understand and take responsibility for our own creation and have the ability and actually do change ourselves according to what is good, not only for self but for all. Investigate solutions what claim to be 'what is best for all' - do not trust anything by default - just as Jesus suggested, "investigate all things and keep which is good".

What

What I've been doing since I was writing here - I was working and I was spending time with my partner - who goes through intense self facing recently and it is fascinating to see how I stand within this - as she had issues as intense self judgement and self abuse and even destruction with alcohol and separating herself from reality at home and storming inside and hating herself -- in fact she does not doing this - but did in past - and sometimes it comes back - in these moments she evades me - simply does not want me to see and experience her like this - but it is obviously not a solution - I told her face me with yourself not with pretending - and I told her that if we do agreement - we can trust each other more than possible - but I experienced a bit of evading about it - okay she was traveling and she was in jogacamp and art camp and things like that - as she is teacher in the year and can not go away really - only in summer, so she does - but yet I was aware of she was avoiding me.
So I told her, and also I shared some stories about what happened with me regarding to other girls - as Gy was who I wanted to be but then I realized she is still worshipping with spiritual buddhism, and she was utterly robotic sometimes and also refused my physical 'closeness' - so I finally wrote an email to her to simply stand by principle as self honesty or fuck off - then she took back from seeking after me...so when I shared this with my partner - I wanted to let her know that I kind of 'like' her expression but I do not wave toward her personally, if she is not moving as self as facing as stopping addictions - then I wont suppor her - so it was tough...
Also I stopped sexual fantasies and desires for unrealistic sexual experiences such as orgies and having intense sexual meetings - but by stopping that - I noticed that I wanted to have more sex with her - what I defined as cool, because I was like - this is step one - to focusing all this to physical level - but when she evaded me - even a bit jeaolousy came up as maybe she is not meeting with me because she is having sex with other lolol
But in fact she did not - she was inside her head and she was 'down' within the energy game. So then I told her to meet - and she wanted to refuse first, but I told her, 'I dare you to face me' so we met and she was a bit indeed bitchy but we could push through and spoke about it -- she agreed to write more and 'make list' and doing things and making them 'checked out' - to build self will, self-direction, self-trust.
As she told - she was doing fine - and three days later I visited her and she was again a bit bitchy - 'turned in' a bit, she had pain in stomach, she told me she is tired, wants to sleep, but she couldnt - simply wanted to deny my presence and I did not accept this - we even did sex - what was quite effective, but in a moment she faded away from @HERE@ and then she stopped and it was obvious that something came up but she did not want to share - I was like wtf, and then I was like her for a moment - she was like 'I dont care, let me be' blah blah and then I was like this for a moment -- and it was fascinating to see - is this me or her - and I was like - okay it's gone - so it is interesting to see - but maybe it was her within me - or something came up from 'past of me' - but in fact if something from past of me comes HERE - then it is not the past lol.

So then we spoke more then she told me she has pain, tired, she must rest - then I was like, okay -- at night I do not sleep much - I was busy with recording the moon and clouds and things like that and then we spoke more and then I told her, I go sleep - then in the morning after a big hug I left - After two days she wrote to me that she realized that she is very grotesque as she went too far and she decided to STOP and change real - and then she called me and then I wrote her some emails, sent some already translated stuff such as Joao and Joana self forgiveness physical system transcendance asissistance with Mykey and the Solution that I am here - these I translated one or two years ago and assisted me much...
Also I am going to this goa festival on tuesday - I will help a guy on stage packing and he will use my laptop - ambient music - and then I will dance for Psykovsky - what I like - intense, direct russian trance music...
In the last several tranceparties - much self expression things I realized - and I am going to share this points -- regarding to how to transform trance dance from druggy mind experience into physical self expression as I am here.

Also fascinating to see how I stand with this - and I did not want to go into Gy-s tent as she told me that I should sleep with her again - but I did not want - as we would disagree with starting point and also I did not like the idea to sleep with her because she refused me when I wanted to have sex with her -- lol exposing truth.
My partner also told me that she would attend - but she prefers to sleep within her tent - to be able to have guests by her own - what I did not like as an idea - and I told her that I should prefer ONE woman but that one absolutely to walk as principle - but at this moment I walk with her - why do not let her 'be'? As I am aware of the 'agreement terms (and conditions lolol)' are compromised - as she is not even aware of all of the tools how to stand and forgive -- self forgiveness we discussed but she did not try - she uses the phrase that 'simply just words wont solve this' and 'this is not my style, I am not of (wo)mann of words, I express different, with dance etc)' - and I explained her how I experience this and how words are the building-blocks of all realiity and in one point she got it...
So within the limited time (about 3-4months) I will be here - I decided to stand by her - to assist her and me within stability - and I am aware of the increasing pressure that I push to her about what I do not accept ---- within past when I started process - I simply stated out ' you are all robots, this is the matrix, stand by me or die' - and simply it was stupid...

I am also aware of that I am with her because of the sexual thing - she is quite effective within sexual expressions and we can enjoy - and she is one of the some who do not seek after orgasm - many women I spoke recently and they almost all did not like the idea of having sex but not having orgasm - as this is not the point I would engage - simp0ly of the physical expression and if orgasm is coming, then it is okay, but if actually I stand within the stable physical expression without participation in energy - then orgasm is not required, it comes only if we decide so... so the whole point was when we started to meet to assist each other - not only within sex but all ways - so we will see -- also I am aware of that I have the tendency to 'get out' by saying 'I dont like this - it's fucked' -- instead of communicating, common sense, assist and first stand with and as the other -- so at this moment I stand - and if I realize that I accept compromise - then I stand up from it and we will see that our little 'agreement and support' will last...

It assisted me very much to be physical here - by standing and expressing physically - but the more I push, the more shit comes up from inside - so I push until I breath.

I also started to script up I vote for Equal money system video - I wrote something, I wrote a part of it on paper, I did a video when I read it up to camera - but I will 'practice a bit more' before I finally record to video - I am directing myself.

Also I did not cut my hair in the week - I was busy and I was about to 'after the week' - and today I had a thought - maybe on the next week - then I walked out to eat something and then I did it -- any resistance in this point next time - I will write about it, it is very specific.