Summing up Why I experience immediate urge sometimes to end being with my partner and why I still am with her

Ranting about current situation with my partner.


With my partner there are some issues what we face regularly.
I might mention points what I already wrote about - but as these are still here as my reality - I write about these again.

I face the point that I am planning to leave the country. I've decided to be with S, who is my partner since months. The original plan was to leave until June 30.
At this moment it is more practical to stay - but this 'planned end' of our 'agreement' to stand together and explore what would mean to be together within self-honesty - will be postponed.

However I experienced this urge to end it regardless of my stay. Why?

I wanted simply to restart - I made mistakes - and not all of them I corrected within physical living - and sometimes I experience a need for 'pullback', to walk alone again and restart my process so to speak from blank - as there were acceptances by me what compromised my self-honest walk since the beginning from our relationship.

Specifically there were some points what I simply did say that I do embrace - but within moments I exposed my dishonesty as physically I did not - and at moments when I judged our relationship - I wanted to quit - regardless of our agreement on we stand by each other until I stay in this city.

Mostly when I mentioned to her to end it in 'harmony' at June 30, as I've prepared myself to do so, as the original 'plan' was - she ended up reacting emotionally and disagreeing with me extensively and making me decide to end it immediately or end it until I'm here.
That point we faced about 4-5 times intensely and we ended up staying together - however there are still some reactions within me what makes me wonder, why still I become unsure within my already made decision.

Three points I can see within me what would impulse me into want to 'end' our agreement...well it's in fact four.

one
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-an other particular woman who I meet regularly and sometimes I experience temptation however I already considered to approach to start a relationship what we could transform into an agreement - but as she explained her starting point and her desires - I can not give what she seeks - family, love and those things and I never would want such things. Yet we meet and she is alone and attractive - and at one point I experienced self-compromise by 'defining that she would not start with a man who is in an other relationship' - and by that I was waving for a moment - because the trust I did put into her - the directive principle, the 'decision' - instead of myself, here being the directive principle simply unambiguously stating that I am already with somebody and that's more than enogh. Recently I am doing this - yet sometimes I still experience direct playouts from my unconscious what I notice when I am already doing physically, for instance touching her hand.

two
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-I still experience urges sometimes to engage into sex with my partner - and sometimes it is more than 'gently asking to do so' and I am being moved by self-accepted sexual desire - somehow it's like I stopped most of conscious mind-plays about women and sex, I stopped to watch sexual media, and then there is only one way I allow to go sexually: my partner - so I sometimes am being directed by this point, at least only with my partner - however I would stop sexual activities for a moment, to see, understand, write, forgive and stop the inner reactions according to sex - for instance 21 days of no sex. But that is strongly denied by my partner at the moment, as she told me that within a 'partnership' it is required to do sex.
In other way - it's great, because I experience sex - I do not desire after sex - so the dishonesties about sex(definitions, reactions) might stop if we continue it only on physical level, but at the moment I am still a man of extremes - do it with full power or not do it at all, so I am sometimes doing ping-pong 'between the two edges' of this polarity.

three
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-my partner is participating with great velocity within tibetian buddhist medhodology, what is obviously self-deception from it's starting point - however when we came together - I've decided to embrace that point and stand and not being influenced and reacted by that at all - yet at occasions I still storm about that - and her starting point is that the basic practices she started(about years to do so), she wants to finish it as she defines it very assisting - regardless of my absolute unweavering expression of it's 'bullshitness' - and about that point - we, as it looks like - never can come in a full unison. However she is interested in self forgiveness - and we did openly speaking self forgiveness about our currently experienced dishonesties - to open up and share shit and express the will for wanting and actually living for changing. But she would never share her insights within a blog or vlog - or using her birth name related with such things. Or for instance she wants her very curly hair grow until her hip regardless of my pushing to cut off - because she wants to see how it would be that long - and she has a 4 years old kid and she fears that if she would diviate from 'looking or acting normal' she would be kicked off from her job and then she would face extreme difficulties to support her kiddo. So she never wants to undertake her inner process(especially self-dishonesties) to be shared on the internet with anybody. And sometimes I see as she exposes her point of view regarding to Equal Money System as an 'ego-play' puppet-game directed by Bernard - and she obviously does not want to realize the responsibility within our participation within the current abuse within the current money system and how practically we could prepare ourselves to direct the situation to manifest something what is best for all. And these are serious points within this and I sometimes 'feel like'(lol) I compromosed way too much by these only one by one as individual points and I want to correct it in a moment like a snatch even if it would mean a crispy end of our attempt to form a one and equal agreement being walked physically. I remember, because of seeing this clearly - once even I wondered exactly as the following: 'Am I this stupid?'

four
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-sometimes I judge my process, I judge my location and I judge my 'progress' instead of acting within consistency - and in those moments my 'good old methods' try to come out by my inner participation: step out from the current location and try to do a 'fresh new start' alone for instance simply go to a new country and from it's beginning, being very determined about what and who and how I allow to be within my reality. This is a point what I am pushing since 3 years I placed myself into a constancy by staying at the same workplace, but I still experience different facets of my expressions regarding to 'I am at workplace with the people who I am with while I earn money' and the 'private life of myself'.
In the beginning I've decided not to promote desteni at my workplace because I experienced I that might could not handle that without participating within mind-energy, and the importance to financially stabilize myself I preferred, so that's the situation.
Well, the contract by I work - in fact protects me by the word 'diversity' - as no one can start any issue regarding to political or religious or or sexual preference any view what is not directly related to the job unless it is not harming the collegaues or the efficiency of the job. So sometimes, I experience the need to expose it and see how they process my point of view - and by my judgments - I made myself to be sure that many of those would perceive me as a some sort of 'nazi' because of my principle of no middle ground within the process by the following: Do you stand as all as one as equal within oneness and equality and give up personality manifestations of the mind entirelly or not.

So by these four points, I still accept myself to be unsure and by that I am compromising even the possibility to form a REAL agreement - and if I am self honestly looking these points - and if I could do anything what I could do(physically at this moment I prefer not to) - I would move to London to the guy who I already lived for a while before and then by 'walking alone' again, finding a new job and changing my living-conditions to be able to do more Process-related activities, such as internet-activities through social networking, blogging, vlogging, sharing my insights, studies, learnings, point of views from where I came from etc...

But at this moment I already placed myself into a situation where I am responsible for supporting my mother financially and I've decided to be able to afford desteniiprocess/SRA course without any brake.

Again - four points I wrote, and within the next blog post I will write self forgiveness sentences according to where I am aware of self-dishonesty within this writing.

And why I am still with her? At the beginning(about 8 months ago), I did assessed the situation and I came out with that I can handle this and I can remain myself without losing myself with her. Many points we can discuss, and many times she notes to me that I am flying away - not always, but still at points I programmed myself into automatic self-dishonesty(for instance how I 'handle' 'another' women as sometimes playing out something like appears physically as I am initiating with them, and I am not even directly aware of this)

It is obvious that we are being faced extensively - and sometimes in fact I am bitchy for instance by these points - and when she says that this is way too unpleasant for her - I remind her that this should be a self-honest agreement, not a pink romantic continous two-sided self-deluded high - then she replies that regardless to anything we could do so by enjoying it and ourselves without any 'frozen moments'.
So then I comes out with this: I always did quit when I faced conflicts - and still - and never I stood by something as principle, and by oneness and equality - never - and if I decided to stand with her until I do not leave the country - then I should do so.
And she also says this - and maybe I am being manipulated by this point because regardless of my bipolar edgy temperament - she enjoys it(our walk) and me because she never was with a man who with she could discuss points this directly.
As it looks, she is quite similar within expression to my mother and I am very alike within how my mind works as his father - and that's an other point but this writing ends here.

intensified physical

facing physical limitation

after 15 years I decided to play soccer, recently I noticed that I can take intense physical exercises and if I do it with presence, it's cool for my body.

When I was a kid, I was in the village's soccer team, I was back, protecting the goalie mostly because I was hanging around back there and when the opponent team's members were approaching, my duty was to be extremely fast and direct and take the ball or kick it away.

My colleagues had more stammina, there were 3x3 membered teams and round robin we played in 10 minutes.

In the 5th minute I felt like I am spitting my lungs and strong sting pain was in my calves and my ankle felt like weird and I had to realize that my body did not do this kind of things since long years - but I had to spend some minutes rushing like a demon and doing everything to be successful - it's ball-related.

So In the beginning I jumped into the situation with full blown, like a street-fight - rushing down the others and they are doing this weekly team-play and their technique was way more better so mostly I just noticed that I missed the ball and then I did push more my body and my speed and will - I did not play that bad - but physically I was exhausted after the 10 minutes - about in the 8th minute I had even some sort of need to vomit but I breathed through - not much thinking was common sensical - some thoughts I allowed but then it was obvious that HERE is my body, HERE I breathe, I must be aware of my body otherwise I am not able to direct myself...

In the second match - I had to realize that if I am not rushing - I am able to have an overview of the field, to see how the opponents are doing the tactic and I realized - I can not outrun them as I am already tired, so it was an interesting playout to wait with the physical energy burst until the last moment when it is the best to push - timing and rhythmic - but I realized - my calves and ankles is simply too tired to do what I want from them - and it was like I want to step in about 60 centimeters and then my feet did about just 30 - and many times I lost my balance and rolled over the floor with some lol - so much enjoy I experienced simply by physically playing around.

This is like my approach from the mind into physical - first time I jump in like a paratrooper and then I realize I do not have the parachute so first approach is a fall into the ground and then I am experiencing some sort of possession of wanting to do it best and pushing my limits until I fall.

Then after a while when I realize - this body can not take that much - then I pull back and then I am trying to figure out the situation based on assumptions and then re-approaching but at the direct physical confrontation - I re-forget and doing the same.

Also I noticed that many times I used my hands - mostly it was around my head - as I conditioned myself with aikido and wing tsun to directly push my hands into the face of others - ok I was not hitting but simply 'wanting to not use my hands' - did not stop my hands lol.

And there was a time when I was watching the others and I became a bit more 'calm' when I saw the others are also getting tired - but about at the 4th-5th round - I was almost unable to outrun and catch the ball - and my ankle that time started to simply do not hold me really and I was like waving and falling and then I realized - again - breath, hold, timing, push.

I wanted to play soccer only once - just for fun with the colleagues, but if I write specifically - many of my 'programmed strategies within the physical - related to the mind' - can be walked.

In the long term - I will switch this to wing chun but for now I will consider to do soccer again.

The sexual drive within me - by these 'sporty' occasions - is really reducing - it's not a need anymore.

Also the backchats are extremely reducing meanwhile the physical application, simply there is no time as the mind consumes so much moments and meanwhile the HERE changes and if I am still within my head - then I am screwed and always after the events, not being able to become one and equal with and as the event as myself as self-direction.

My biggest ?-mark here is that I told to my partner that I am leaving the country and she does not like it - at the beginning I told her that I will leave her and the country in summer - and she is okay with this but about once in a week she bursts out some semi-sane shit about she feels like being used and as like a bitch and then it was almost over because of this - I experienced this: 'felt like before' as we argued MUCH in Cambodia about 4 years ago and it started to re-manifest and then I was like 'breath through, breath through' then I realized breathing is not enough, this is me, I must act otherwise I am stopped and waiting for reality within some sort of energetic state of hope what is unacceptable as I already faced this a thousand time and the matrix is like a casino - once it makes me lucky and then it makes me loose everything, so I do not trust in the matrix, I trust myself or if a situation proved that I missed - then it's like within this I can not trust myself so I must use tools to support and stabilize myself to push myself through this self-doubt, because HERE is no way but push self as self without any con, no purpose, no reason, but this is who I am, I am here.

The consequences of this soccer are some coughing and neck-strain and probably tomorrow some muscle-tension and ankle-ambigousness.

I experienced some moments very direct-like physical experiences, that was what made this need for vomit for about a minute - some systems I experienced a bit more directly than as usual - I must be able to stabilize myself and stand within and as the physical consequences of my 'decisions' from the beginning and the pain I must not step back when it is here - I embrace pain, I embrace the physical as myself as breathing as self-movement.

There were moments when my ankle was like it requires medical attention and after about a minute it was OK again, but I must be aware of every step even within intensified physical applications because I already faced this ankle-point many times and I was steeping literally for months.

On Control I want lose then gain cycle

I did not post this before, here it goes, when I noticed my sickness was fading last week

I am getting 'normal' again in relation to sickness - pain is fading, it's like a fire what burns out the bullshit out of me but it is not yet self direction, however I realized some points what I allowed myself to be resonantly influenced, directed, for instance the want to be alone and then want to be with others polarity system, then the energy addiction, what is sex-drug-energy related, about not take self responsibility.

It's like I want to loose my control - what control is too strong, it is not even myself as who I really am but then I am unable to release as myself, then energy kick I use - regardless to it's subtle form, it is all the same - when I define too much, I want to pull back, to go back to my 'den' or 'lair' where everything is like how and what I like - what I could not manage within the 'outside world' to manifest - so then that is avoidable, then my place is preferred, where I can play god according to my mind, according to my inner reactions.
There were times when I was more quiet (inside) when I was alone, but recently I noticed that I am more 'voiced' inside when I am alone, probably that's why I want to be alone, to be alone with and as my mind - but when I am with others - I am much more easier releasing inside reactions and focusing on what is physically here - it is not that big difference, simply after a while a some form of 'tiredness' kicks in, and to compensate that - I energize within me as suppressions, judgments, participation within dishonesties such as popping up pictures from unconscious/subconscious, it's like it is testing me that in that moment what I will react to, like pulling different colored and tasted carrots and which one I will follow.

These must be understood within self-intimacy within the moment of participation within inner reaction.

About my day - I realized -again- at my workplace I am liked because of my work, because of my attitude and expression, so in a way it is very supportive - but there are points where I must stop for instance at the tendency to be distracted from my work - to any fun web page, or my personal agenda for instance looking after a camera etc - it's like suppressions come up - and if I would not suppress myself extensively - then I would not face with compounded energetic bursts so to speak - then I am able to direct myself to focus.
This is what I realized in SRA as well - when doing muscle communication - to remain constantly here is the key - not allowing even for a moment to 'focus' onto something what is not relevant for the current information processing etc.

Also I realized - with my partner - I must be much more direct - in terms of specificity - at some times I even 'tested' her with my intentional grumpiness and rawness - wanting to expect the same 'warrior-like' attitude in her daily life as I do - but that is bullshit - it's like a control point want to direct her - what is in a way can be cool, as she is not aware much of desteni vocabulary for instance - but the other part of the polarity is related to my resonant expression to want to be alone - and when not, then want to direct her in the 'name' of self honesty, agreement, process - what is bullshit, I let all go.
I am me as breath as physical - regardless to ANYONE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change others instead of realizing - I am me, I change me, I express me, I do not allow influences to who I am by others - or if yes - then in the moment I realize, I stop, I forgive, I change, I let go.

Move pt1 money 1

Okay, I've decided to move no matter what - there was some extensive self judgement built up while I was under this medical treatment - there was a suspicious scar on my chest what doctors decided to cut out - still waiting for the final labor result but I never was seamed on my skin before - it was not that cool, but by resting all day I had time to reconsider what I am, what I represent and what I must act.

I start with some money issues what I shared on multiply - actually I must push expressing more on my multiply account -- that one is specifically about and on the money point.

http://talamon.multiply.com/journal/item/132/My_current_money_points

Actually I should repost it here:

Actually I am a bit concerned about how to proceed. My initial point first was to be able to make as much money as I can - to be able to 'have then time by not needing to robot for money as job at workplace - to be able to express myself, to be able to share and support by money, basically to become a directive point by being able to financially stand and be.
There is a possibility to remain within the situation of serving corporations for money, the money should be okay(of course not to mention that the current money system supports all the abuse, therefore if I am participating within the current money system - I support child abuse, starvation, destroying nature etc), but then I do not 'feel' comfortable when I see directly how big profit I support the corporation to make.
My current job is about building massive websites with people can build, test, process and deploy specific websites for the company very dynamically. With this system, the website building, testing, fixing, deploying process is far more effective, therefore the company can deliver MANY quality websites in short time, by people who are not really technical. Therefore my responsibility point regardless to my salary - is that I support this international corporation to expand more, to aggressively take over the market and increasing the revenue of the company. Of course, I am a bit piece of this machine but I am - therefore my concern initially was to support myself yet I stand for Equality.
My first upcoming status was to leave this company and find a new job - but my 'profession' is about programming website functionality(background services mostly), so I have experience in this. Shall I remain within 'programming scene' - or I should find a new area to express and to live on with what I can stand and express my vote for equality - in action, not only in words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become confused about what company I do work for and what I stand for within the system - not realizing that I am part of the system, I must generate money to support myself to be able to live and express.
I forgive myself that I have judged the company where I work, instead of realizing that judging anything is of definition, is of self deception, self dishonesty because I do compare, I do use memory to rely on what is of the past, what is not actually HERE.
I forgive myself that sometimes I simply want to quit my job because it is not always comfortable to sit all day in an air conditioned office and watching, manipulating program codes, databases, environments all day - instead of purifying my starting point and remain stable and express myself and see my contract as support - I do my job and I am able to stand within AND expressing myself unconditionally as I want change, I want Equal Money, I want to give up all within me what does not support Equal Money because this is what really important within the equation of 'what is best for all?'
Because 'MY' happiness and statisfaction I already realized, never will be full until I am experiencing this level of equality being manifested physically: no one is being harmed for profit, noone is being excluded from basic support as food, shelter, water, healthcare because of lack of money.
How to do it practically - continously promoting, speaking, bringing up on forums and face those who are being opposed by it - simply because they fear from losing what they already have. Common sense I should use, by explaining that what they have is not really personal, it is a polarity system and how they could enjoy continuous entertainment while many has to suffer for it - by this every good becomes bitter, by directly researching how the current system works, directs - anyone can realize that we must change the value from profit and greed and survival to Support Life.
For two months I was obsessed about 'wondering what to do' - instead of seeing what is actually HERE and act immediately within the starting point of what is best for all - and if realizing mistakes, dishonesty - then applying the self forgiveness, self honesty, writing, sharing, blogging, vlogging to stop dishonesties and walk walk breath act walk breath act within the group.

What

What I've been doing since I was writing here - I was working and I was spending time with my partner - who goes through intense self facing recently and it is fascinating to see how I stand within this - as she had issues as intense self judgement and self abuse and even destruction with alcohol and separating herself from reality at home and storming inside and hating herself -- in fact she does not doing this - but did in past - and sometimes it comes back - in these moments she evades me - simply does not want me to see and experience her like this - but it is obviously not a solution - I told her face me with yourself not with pretending - and I told her that if we do agreement - we can trust each other more than possible - but I experienced a bit of evading about it - okay she was traveling and she was in jogacamp and art camp and things like that - as she is teacher in the year and can not go away really - only in summer, so she does - but yet I was aware of she was avoiding me.
So I told her, and also I shared some stories about what happened with me regarding to other girls - as Gy was who I wanted to be but then I realized she is still worshipping with spiritual buddhism, and she was utterly robotic sometimes and also refused my physical 'closeness' - so I finally wrote an email to her to simply stand by principle as self honesty or fuck off - then she took back from seeking after me...so when I shared this with my partner - I wanted to let her know that I kind of 'like' her expression but I do not wave toward her personally, if she is not moving as self as facing as stopping addictions - then I wont suppor her - so it was tough...
Also I stopped sexual fantasies and desires for unrealistic sexual experiences such as orgies and having intense sexual meetings - but by stopping that - I noticed that I wanted to have more sex with her - what I defined as cool, because I was like - this is step one - to focusing all this to physical level - but when she evaded me - even a bit jeaolousy came up as maybe she is not meeting with me because she is having sex with other lolol
But in fact she did not - she was inside her head and she was 'down' within the energy game. So then I told her to meet - and she wanted to refuse first, but I told her, 'I dare you to face me' so we met and she was a bit indeed bitchy but we could push through and spoke about it -- she agreed to write more and 'make list' and doing things and making them 'checked out' - to build self will, self-direction, self-trust.
As she told - she was doing fine - and three days later I visited her and she was again a bit bitchy - 'turned in' a bit, she had pain in stomach, she told me she is tired, wants to sleep, but she couldnt - simply wanted to deny my presence and I did not accept this - we even did sex - what was quite effective, but in a moment she faded away from @HERE@ and then she stopped and it was obvious that something came up but she did not want to share - I was like wtf, and then I was like her for a moment - she was like 'I dont care, let me be' blah blah and then I was like this for a moment -- and it was fascinating to see - is this me or her - and I was like - okay it's gone - so it is interesting to see - but maybe it was her within me - or something came up from 'past of me' - but in fact if something from past of me comes HERE - then it is not the past lol.

So then we spoke more then she told me she has pain, tired, she must rest - then I was like, okay -- at night I do not sleep much - I was busy with recording the moon and clouds and things like that and then we spoke more and then I told her, I go sleep - then in the morning after a big hug I left - After two days she wrote to me that she realized that she is very grotesque as she went too far and she decided to STOP and change real - and then she called me and then I wrote her some emails, sent some already translated stuff such as Joao and Joana self forgiveness physical system transcendance asissistance with Mykey and the Solution that I am here - these I translated one or two years ago and assisted me much...
Also I am going to this goa festival on tuesday - I will help a guy on stage packing and he will use my laptop - ambient music - and then I will dance for Psykovsky - what I like - intense, direct russian trance music...
In the last several tranceparties - much self expression things I realized - and I am going to share this points -- regarding to how to transform trance dance from druggy mind experience into physical self expression as I am here.

Also fascinating to see how I stand with this - and I did not want to go into Gy-s tent as she told me that I should sleep with her again - but I did not want - as we would disagree with starting point and also I did not like the idea to sleep with her because she refused me when I wanted to have sex with her -- lol exposing truth.
My partner also told me that she would attend - but she prefers to sleep within her tent - to be able to have guests by her own - what I did not like as an idea - and I told her that I should prefer ONE woman but that one absolutely to walk as principle - but at this moment I walk with her - why do not let her 'be'? As I am aware of the 'agreement terms (and conditions lolol)' are compromised - as she is not even aware of all of the tools how to stand and forgive -- self forgiveness we discussed but she did not try - she uses the phrase that 'simply just words wont solve this' and 'this is not my style, I am not of (wo)mann of words, I express different, with dance etc)' - and I explained her how I experience this and how words are the building-blocks of all realiity and in one point she got it...
So within the limited time (about 3-4months) I will be here - I decided to stand by her - to assist her and me within stability - and I am aware of the increasing pressure that I push to her about what I do not accept ---- within past when I started process - I simply stated out ' you are all robots, this is the matrix, stand by me or die' - and simply it was stupid...

I am also aware of that I am with her because of the sexual thing - she is quite effective within sexual expressions and we can enjoy - and she is one of the some who do not seek after orgasm - many women I spoke recently and they almost all did not like the idea of having sex but not having orgasm - as this is not the point I would engage - simp0ly of the physical expression and if orgasm is coming, then it is okay, but if actually I stand within the stable physical expression without participation in energy - then orgasm is not required, it comes only if we decide so... so the whole point was when we started to meet to assist each other - not only within sex but all ways - so we will see -- also I am aware of that I have the tendency to 'get out' by saying 'I dont like this - it's fucked' -- instead of communicating, common sense, assist and first stand with and as the other -- so at this moment I stand - and if I realize that I accept compromise - then I stand up from it and we will see that our little 'agreement and support' will last...

It assisted me very much to be physical here - by standing and expressing physically - but the more I push, the more shit comes up from inside - so I push until I breath.

I also started to script up I vote for Equal money system video - I wrote something, I wrote a part of it on paper, I did a video when I read it up to camera - but I will 'practice a bit more' before I finally record to video - I am directing myself.

Also I did not cut my hair in the week - I was busy and I was about to 'after the week' - and today I had a thought - maybe on the next week - then I walked out to eat something and then I did it -- any resistance in this point next time - I will write about it, it is very specific.