[JTL 179] Idea of Freedom as fear of doom

Continuing on decomposing my idea of freedom which has been proven to be enslavement as not supporting self-expression, self-realization, self-movement based on the accepted relationships I've defined by memories, images, thoughts, feelings, emotions formed by and through words which from who I experience myself to be has emerged as the personalities, characters of Talamon Joseph what I walk through here.

Within my last post I've started to open the point of idea of freedom to hold onto and fear of losing.

The ultimate freedom I've defined as lack of consequence, lack of responsibility, lack of fear, lack of physical limitations.

My definition of freedom was to always have the ability to change my starting point towards things and eventually my most delusional idea of freedom was to create reaction systems within me to occupy and absent experience of presence in this physical existence from and to always be to justify and maintain the experience of apparently self-decided energetic creation within myself.

And from that the idea of power and the idea of freedom was to be able to have internal experiences separated from here and to be able to form my environment and reality to be able to maintain this habit of suppress myself into my inner realms of reactions.

Never questioning the very definition of freedom, my own polarity-influenced creation of this idea of freedom which was to balance out the same as all has: fear of change, fear of loss, fear of self, fear of fear itself.

And thus seeing this point within self-honesty it is obvious that it is not enough to acknowledge it and from this moment to hope that everything will be solved or even belive that this information/knowledge can change anything in this reality as we can easily realize that many of the current human system has quite specific and exact conscious knowledge about how things really are but they are still hypnotized by the idea of

• -knowledge is enough
• -change is impossible
• -fear of losing self justifies not moving

within the process of actually, practically using the understanding of how things are.

Translating it to the current human system: how the capitalistic, economic, money system is abusing all life on earth, how our current participation, of each and every single human being's direct every day's participation can be simply traced back as direct responsibility for the current system within it's authority and direction force within the extremely massive amount of abuse taking place on earth every day.

Within the idea of wanting to grasp freedom I was exploring how things really work, I've came to the realization that I am responsible, I am enslaved, I am not yet real - only the consequences I've accumulated into existence.

So the very first idea of stepping into the reality of freedom is to let go any - ANY - idea of freedom because it is obviously prison, directly self-enslavement.

I have not yet established a vocabulary to express my current beingness towards the study material what can be found to Desteni, Desteni-I-Process and EQAFE, but undoubtedly if anyone wants to explore what it really means to live a life freely - it is the eye of the needle within this existence.

I've shouted wolf for quite some times already by diverting people, their life, their very attitude how to interpret their experience and living towards ideologies, ways, methods, different kind of *-isms what is related to the "truth" and always realized not really and I've re-aligned myself...

So after all if I say again: 'This is the real deal, people' - I do understand why those who've heard several times this from me would question me, however the only thing I can use as reference is my walk from self-enslavement to the only freedom what anyone can have in existence as practical equality within oneness which means to stand up for all as equal as one in this system, to live as "give as would like to receive".

This in reality means what I do have, do get, do have access to and nurtures me should be granted for all others equally as well - common sense says it is food, water, health care, shelter, education(not just up to university but more imporantly Desteni I Process courses to really start to learn how to grasp how really (and within it myself) really works - and many-many people lacks this opportunity which I see myself not really being superior at all to get so it is already an inequality, which is not fair, not "unconditional love" thus within self-honesty it is unacceptable. Thus the direction is to understand how the system works and how to stand up to it and have an impact to accumulate change it to a system what can consider all humans as life equally. This has never been manfiested so it means we must walk into something unknown which to fear can step towards yet this should not be a stopping force, but to fuel our motivation to see our created limitation to work with, expand through and change the course of humanity as a whole.

For some days I've directed myself out from the rhytm of how I've established my living by going to the mountains where was no internet, no cell coverage, I've spend days in old forests and letting everything go but the presence of who I am and focus to what I want to do.

I've came to the realization that the only thing what really matters is this physical existence, the future, the direction as all beings together as individuals and as a whole as equal as one.

By listening some more of the Atlanteans interviews from EQAFE, seeing the very starting point of this existence's creation and the points beings has never transcended, the only thing comes up for me is to calm down, ensure I am continuing cleansing the system manifestations from my beingness and let go the fear of not being free, fear from loss, fear from losing who I've defined myself to be and the very energetic experience of fear from consequences to stop participate within. Because to fear from sequences which are conned to manifest already is acceptance, the same repeat: enslavement, the opposite of self-movement, change.

By listening the descriptions of the experiences the atlanteans had when they were seeing losing connection from life source substance and their desperate attempt to remain within the experience of rememberance and hope for return I've felt this sadness and desperation which did not overwhelm me but I've realized that the mistake they've made, what we've already made and it not supposed to happen again and again and again, only by the preprogramming of the system's design which took over by our very starting point of separation and acceptances from losing who we believed ourselves to be meanwhile this whole existential process in the first place was a proof that we never had any idea of who we really are and what in fact freedom would really entail.

Seeing the ideas I was holding onto and still participating within it as the same mistakes these beings made eons before and seeing the same cycles are being repeated from endless times brings up the only relevant point forward which is the point of Self-honesty here.

Who I am? Where I came from? Where I am going? What is here? What consequences I am responsible for?

These questions should be and eventually will be answered for all - and this very moment I see the motivation and the purpose which is not from this world, not for this world but to see the answer for the question for this: What is LIFE?

Definitely not by biological terms and not even scientifically as these are merely refractions of fragments of real understandings of what is creation and who we really are - what is the 'I' within the center of it all.

Seeing these points within me it is obvious that I am creation, I am creator and I am created. The judgement day has come wherein I am responsible and whether I change myself for accumulate what is best for all - or I will be proving the fact that I've always been not real, irrelevant.

Death will come to us for all, inevitably - our days are numbered, the very possibilities what we can bring about as individuals is extremely limited, but even within this confined, predictable system, within this perfectly closed enslavement there is the possibility to bring about change.

But for that Self-honesty, Self-perfection must be born, Self-direction, Self-responsibility, Self-stability must be consistent to birth accumulation to stand up as this system to be able to direct it as self as euqal as one and accumulate solution to end the separation, the massive amount of abuse.

The abuse, which one can not directly tap into as it would bring self-losing madness in the mind from the extreme scale of pain and suffering which is currently being caused in each moment but we must realize that there is no such amount of separation in this existence what would protect anyone from facing consequences of acceptances and allowances of the amount of harm against life is happening today.

The fact that we are all sharing the same existence wherein all's actions has consequence for all is the point what each who considers responsibility as self as co-creator should embrace and those who do not want, can not or not wanting to give up self-interest based on any reason should not and will not be trusted within participating the power of real, unlimited life to birth and live.

But there is a pace, for what to we strengthen ourselves to accumulate self-realization, self-presence, self-direction to be able to have the moment of clarity to decide what we make with our current life and then walk the self-purification from consciousness enslavement word by word, moment by moment, breath by breath with the Process of Self-forgiveness to become able to birth ourselves as in and as this physical existence as the Living Word.

So returning back to my individual process of letting go the idea of freedom I walk Self-forgiveness to assist and support my existence to be free from my delusions, ideas of myself I've created myself by and as manifested consequence of fear.

• I forgive myself that I have not allowed to consider when defining freedom the words of "fear of doom" and "free from doom" and "fear me from doom" and within that seeing how my desire was not to face consequence, not to face the end of all what I've created as delusion in the name of free will, free choice, freedom and within that trying to grasp anything what make me believe I can be free from the end of who I define and perceive and experience myself to be, even just for a moment to feel free from doom and if being able to hypnotize myself not seeing the end of me then defining freedom as being able to choose remain within this delusion that I will not die, I am free of consequence, I am not responsible.
• I forgive myself that I have not realized that the very idea of not wanting to be responsible and defining it as freedom is the sign of not being free and already being responsible thus it is an act of denial of who I am.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that any fear I participate within there is an idea I am holding onto and define myself as meanwhile any self-definition is of inner friction, of energetic polarity of what is here in reality versus what I try to hide behind within my internal experiences and leaning into the experience which only me have versus the factual, physical reality which is for all, shared by everyone equally, constantly, always here.
• I forgive myself that I have never questioned the very idea of freedom to participate within my mind, to fall into whispers, silent talks, back-chats, internal conversations, thoughts, energetic experiences, feelings, thoughts I've experienced within myself, my mind, my body, my beingness and not realizing that the real freedom to exist without these, to exist without polarities, without any fear by the constant presence, direct unification with all what is here as self as all equally as one.
• I forgive myself that I have fallen into the energetic temptation of the idea of freedom by apparently experiencing myself as more free than others and not realizing that real freedom can not exist until I am more free than others and within this existence on earth I participate within, based on physical constraints, the system's limitations, rules, regulations, laws - I am more free than others which is not fair and thus realizing that "give as I would like to receive" I have accepted and allowed a system to rule on earth which is giving more freedom for some in the price of taking that away from others thus in overall, within seeing the whole picture seeing that this can not be and never was real freedom what I have experienced.
• I forgive myself that I have defined freedom as lack of responsibility, the ability and effect of abdication of responsibility, the lack of commitment, the instability and the denial and it's very reasoning, justification for why I do not want to take responsibility for my actions, for what is here to be defined as any form of valid freedom to think, idealize, form relationship within and express it out without realizing that the very essence of idea of 'not wanting to be responsible' is already a starting point for what I am already responsible, whether I see, want to see or not thus I am directly involved with the manifesting consequences anyway.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define freedom as not needing and being able to justify and believe it as reasonable justification for why I do not need and have to be responsible at all and not realizing that if I am here - I am responsible always, constantly.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define freedom as the right, the ability and the very act of creating frictions within me and become one and equal with and as a mind consciousness system to live within and as and create experiences within the starting point of self-interest and fear of losing it and define who I am as the self-automation to give permission my mind to prevent facing facts of being responsible.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from the fact to see/realize/understand and constantly be aware of the point of being responsible thus facing who I really am without the internal reaction experiences in my mind which I've gave permission to be separated from direct reality, which I experience reality through to not need to remember and always see what I am responsible for.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the ultimate freedom to abdicate reality presence and go into mind-experiences wherein I apparently can direct what I experience and who I define myself to be and how to stand towards points I've justified to perceive myself to be separated from in order to live out the self-defined freedom of abdicating responsibility.
• I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I allow fear within my expression - I am in a relationship within my mind which I lean to, give permission to and separate myself from reality by in order to justify to remain within abdicating responsibility for all what is here.
• I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only freedom I can live is to let go all idea of freedom and all definitions of freedom by applying and living self-forgiveness, purifying the words, stopping following and reacting mind experiences based on thoughts, feelings, emotions and remain here all ways and practically become aware of how to move in practical unification with all what is physically here, move self as real time, breath by breath.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to grasp how things really are within the idea of losing myself based on the overwhelming experience of abuse is taken place in each moment on earth by defining myself based on experiences because without experience I am not moved, I am not motivated, I am not stimulated into phases and states of which from I can react to automatically what would animate me to be able to define who I am and thus based on that definition believing myself as this is it, as real as something to rely on, to protect and fear of losing and not realizing that all of is a delusion, an idea of which is not really real thus in any moment fear of loss comes up - I become aware of that I try to take refugee within which I not really am thus I re-align and breathe, let it go and apply specific self-forgiveness to be aware of not participate within it again and when it would come be aware of that this is when and how I stand and stop and change.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that holding onto the idea of who I was, who I am and defining myself based on a remembrance, an idea of who I am, who I was, who I will be is limitation, self-defined enslavement within holding onto what I experience instead of considering facts here.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope for change, hope for become free, hope for better times and not realizing that while I hope, I do not move, I put responsibility to forces outside of self, for what I give my mind permission to feel not powerful enough to stand up to and be equal and one and direct within self-honesty thus defining hope as equating self-defeat into experience of balance the fact that I've given up on myself and decided not to act.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have freedom over my experiences even within the seeing and understanding that my experiences are only internal, not real and causing me not be present, here, direct because who I've defined myself to be is experiences, relationships with experiences, definitions and thus defining myself as less than experiences, less than relationships, less than definitions instead of stand as equal with all here as self as one and direct within responsibility.

So to specify it more to immediately start living the stopping based on delusions about freedom to actually explore in real time and space in my location to really give for myself the freedom to be responsible:

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define freedom to whenever and wherever I am to stimulate myself with the ideas of beauty and value and stimulation with women regardless of any consideration of others, only con-sidare-ing my interest for stimulate my energetic experience of freedom based on react with excitement, feel of beauty, feel of arousal and self-value projected to women who I define as source of power to justify my self-created experience of freedom of react in my mind towards any woman whoever I am being stimulated from by believing that it is just in my mind, not real, and it is my right to stimulate myself and by the very idea of value I've given into women and not questioning why and what exactly I do not value within myself what by I experience the friction, the polarity which I've given permission my mind to balance out by thoughts, feelings, emotions to stimulate me into experiences wherein I can define myself as I feel good.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define freedom as having foods for days ahead and having shelter, having comfortable clothes, shoes, warm place to sleep and nothing to be responsible for because if I would be responsible for something I would be worried on how to manage to deal and work with those things to ensure taking care of, which defining it as too much, as too complicated or too uncomfortable and not question my initial reactions as accepted excuses to not take responsibility for myself, the people around me and my reality unconditionally.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define freedom as the right to change my mind at any time based on the delusion that I do actually change my mind and never realizing the fact that I've given permission to my mind to change me, giving away my power to myself changing myself and thus only changing myself, my attitude, my starting point, my action or not action when my mind tells me and justifying it as freedom instead of realizing that this is the very opposite of freedom.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define freedom as having multiple relationships with multiple women within the idea of losing something for something another and defining the value based on quantity instead of quality and thus fearing from not being able to decide properly with one thus wanting to have fall back instead of realizing it is fear of responsibility for my decision, for my walk with one partner, with one specific partner or with myself at first and thus by apparently wanting to be free from responsibility what I manifest is to abdicate responsibility for myself and for my relationships in this world.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to commit myself to the business I want to establish fully with all of my beingness because of the idea of losing the freedom what I define myself currently having, meaning not needing to live within absolute consistency because of the belief that if I would do a business, I would do it with my fullest potential thus not being able to have much entertainment what I do currently have access to if I would decide thus realizing it is not even about what I do but only in my mind as possibility as what I COULD do, which is an ability, a backdoor to stimulate myself with the IDEA of freedom and never questioning the specific act of using this self-dishonesty within me to try to balance out the friction I manifest in my mind when splitting away from real facts within my perceptions, meaning to have real self-intimacy to see when I fear of losing freedom and see that as my self-limitation and work on that to let go and expand myself through within alignment with real time and space, considering facts here, breath, by breath.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from be responsible for my actions, my starting points, my acceptances and allowances and not realizing that what I've defined as freedom is in fact fear and until I do not take responsibility for the fear to stop, I can not be free.

I just saw an interesting VLOG from Tormod on explaining friends as "free ends", check it out, here is the link.
I will continue to explore this side of self-limitation with the idea of friendship and how I limited myself within it and how to re-define and live the word friend to support self-honest living.

Walk free online Self-support with Desteni I Process LITE to start working with fear to be free of it.

[JTL 145] Positive and negative energetic delusions part 1

Within this post I continue walking through self-correction for the specific words I’ve reacted to by gaming which I’ve allowed myself to define lacking, needing, desiring within the starting point of self-definition and fear. Let’s see, a simple sentence of my story of gaming what consists of ‘behind the curtains’, meaning not just the conscious mind, what I see myself as thinking, feeling, but beyond that, behind that, below that, under that, what can be written out within directly and exploring with Self-forgiveness to see how exactly I’ve accepted self-limitation to become and evolve to be.

If one starts to walk this process – it will seem like endless – all acceptance, allowance can be explored within practical Self-honesty and first of all to know the machine(self) to stop the machine and live real transcendence – which is obviously not just meditating and stimulating energies and feel awesome but to stop limitation, to be able to take responsibility for more and more until one can stand with all what is here and always consider, act according to what is best for all. That is always simple, obvious, here, but if one does not see, realize, understand – then one can walk a PROCESS of Self-realization, which is DESTENI is standing for – no need to believe, investigate, apply, realize, expand and LIVE.

So walking the process of decomposing the energetic mind – coming from my childhood computer gaming point.

First scenario: electrified – when I saw other kids gaming, controlling the game with joystick, keyboard and the character in the game moved accordingly and avoiding enemies and going through obstacles, I’ve felt like THAT’S IT – IT IS FASCINATING, EXCITING, INTERESTING, STIMULATING.

I’ve defined my real physical living as boring, robotic, limited, predictable and tiring.

Decompose positive and negative judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my real physical living with words and then by definition I accept that in the next moment without directly experiencing, physically feeling but already having the definition not to experience, feel, be directly here because I’ve attached an energetic experience of ‘negative’ to it and trying to avoid, separated from that energetic experience.

I forgive myself that I have never questioned my automatic definition mechanism within myself and not realizing that it is myself only who I give permission each time for any judgment, definition what I think of in any moment wherein I am not directly here, I am not experiencing what is here, I am not physically here therefore I am existing only within the self-accepted, self-defined, self-limited automatic energetic mind.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within the definition of something as ‘negative’, which is not pleasant for me for a reason – I have never questioned the initial self-judgment of why in the first place I go into the energetic charge of ‘negative’ – instead of realizing that the duality, polarization of the energetic mind within me is the act of escape from what is here therefore the moment I accept and allow to go into the trinity of

1. me, who is defining
2.  the subject of my definition
3.  the act of defining

wherein I am not aware of what is real but only the separation – by the separation, as the separation, the starting point of separation, the reason for separating myself to be one and equal with what is here what I in fact fear to face, directly live therefore in any time if I define, think, judge, categorize within my mind automatically – I face the fact that I am lost within the consciousness systems which is all the systems, energies, definitions, relationships, polarities therefore I am not living, only being stimulated to react as an organic robot.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the common sense as the solution to stop myself defining within myself automatically experiences, events, physical processes by directing myself to be here, directly the physical, remaining here, feel the breath, be aware of the presence moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the obvious need for applying Self-investigation for the self-automatic definitions I live out, act out with slowing down within, always, constantly, writing out all words I react to, because within writing I am directing myself to put everything from my mind into this physical reality wherein I can see what I allowed myself to became.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energetic reaction of definitions, thinking, feeling and deluding myself completely with the obsession with the ‘positive’ in a hope that it is really the solution while not considering that negative and positive is the same kind of energy, only the polarity, the direction of the energetic movement is different, so whether within I participate – I am responsible for the others to create as well as positive is always relative to negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define electrifying experience when I am excited, curious, fascinated, interested within what I experience and within defining it as ‘positive’ in fact I never question why in the first place I allow myself to automatically go to positive and not seeing the FACT of already having a relationship with ‘negative’.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense to investigate automatic ‘negative’ experiences as well as ‘positive’-ly defined experiences as the same, as self-definition, the act of disregard of what is here, and never realizing that losing my real power as absolute self-will, self-direction, self-presence, self-consistency accumulates within each and every single participation within thinking by focusing to what is only self-created and in fact delusional and serves only self-interest within the obsession with self-definition, the energetic experience of ‘negative’ and ‘positive’.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense within equalizing myself and embracing all what is here as it is without judgment, without the need to be driven by a personality of what I use to tell me which is good, which is bad for me and according to that acting in the world system automatically to fulfill who I’ve defined myself to be and who I want to be, specifically who I want to be defined by myself automatically.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the Solution to become equal and one with all what is here literally without any limitation as always remain inner silent and embrace what is here and trust myself without a single thought, trusting myself to act, fall, stand up and learn just as animal, human children learn to walk, act without a thought, just direct physical expression.

I forgive myself that I have always praised energetic experiences, definitions, thoughts, positive, negative instead of seeing that all what I seek, want is be directly here and experience everything as myself as equal and one and then be able to express myself without any self-limitation.

I forgive myself that I have never considered the solution to become the creator of myself, my reality directly by letting go the addiction to define, to use reasons and justifications to define positive and negative in order to try to improve myself and never seeing that with the fuzzy logic personality matrix, definition by definition in fact, really I am separating myself from what is really here, from my own human physical body, from all other beings, because I become unable to experience directly, only by definition, reaction.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that all ‘ancient’ books, scriptures, stories, legends about superhuman, master, ascended, guru, buddha, god is a reference to what ANYONE can become if being able to practically transcend their own mind, the 'own' polarity definitions, the act of judgments, definitions, the positive, the negative and allow ourselves to directly experience what is currently here.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the deception of praising consciousness, mind, thinking as better, superior, greater, more important, real and degrading direct physical, flesh, the reality here as lesser, limited, irrelevant meanwhile all within the current system which is relevant is physically measurable, directly and always here, therefore if anyone wants, desires, hopes after power – real power over and within self – must require to come back, ground oneself into and as the physical, moving here without moving within and as the energetic mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the temptation of positive, love, energy, beauty and not realizing that all is only self-generated by thoughts, feelings and emotions which are not directly me here, only a self-accepted energetic relationship manifested within and as my human physical body here.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that the human physical body contains and entails of different levels of minds, which are merged into one and that is called myself meanwhile these layers can be investigated, understood, walked through and stopped participating within breath by breath, letting go definition by definition, reaction by reaction, limitation by limitation and being able to be here, always, directly constantly.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to limit myself within the belief that the reality, the physical realm here is not pleasant, the actual, current human system as REALLY exists with all the FACTS here I’ve defined as avoidable, because within the already self-accepted automatic mind who I’ve defined myself to be within action, I’ve always concluded that things what exists here are NEGATIVE and within experiencing it by definition, losing myself within the experience of self-definition of ‘negative’ and never considering STOPPING defining as negative and developing the ability to embrace it as it is undefined who we really are here within and as existence.

I forgive myself that I have stopped investigating how reality, the mind, the world system really works and all the dynamics, relationships have been manifested, because I’ve defined it as too intense, defining myself as lesser, smaller, insignificant in relation to the WHOLE and not realizing that within participating this singular self-definition I accept the greatest self-limitation automatically, and expanding on that only, I develop ways to justify why I do not take responsibility for all what is here.

Join the Desteni Forum and study the material and ask questions and transcend

Remember, nothing is what it seems and all is in reverse - nothing and nobody can be trusted in terms of what is true, as Bernard Poolman stated out: "There is no such thing as truth - only denial of what is here.".
So the 7 years of journey to life is a group effort within individuals walking their visible process to let go each and every single denial of what is here, which is obviously not a 'nice picture' but to be able to change it, we have to see it as it is directly without being reacted with 'negative' and wanting to stimulate ourselves to 'feel positive' - one must find the pace within what can effectively remain stable in the system while not accepting it as ourselves.

"Be in the system, but not of the system" - yet the system is also ourselves, so each inner reaction what with we define it - we in fact deny our currently manifested nature and until that is not stopped, transcended - we can not understand our creation to realize what must be practically done in order to change and manifest heaven on earth - which should be here, not projected AFTER death. And one practical step to heaven to give as we would like to receive - food, shelter, education, health care, water - within the system it can be distributed with the proposal of LIVING INCOME GUARANTEED. Check it out - it is down to earth - each mother knows what a child requires for nurturing - that to give to all first is practical love - and then we can play around but this is first priority - if one has problem to get it - requires process of understanding how things are, what is real life and what is of mind-programmed CONsciousness system of limitation.

An outstanding blog for realizing creation bit by bit, word by word: http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com

Okay, that's it for today, enjoy breath, explore the physical, accumulate actions what is best for all.

[JTL 79] Understanding my anxiety and shame

So, I write down what I've seen within myself in the couple of last days.
There was some pressure from within and from outside as well and I make sure I do not forget and actually I change.

So I've been 'investigating' myself in terms of how this self-expression and self-suppression works in myself and I've found out the followings:

There is an other dimension: Self-confidence versus shame. And it is fascinating because a very little, tiny participation within shame makes me absolutely no confident and then I hesitate and then I work automatically, based on how I've programmed my mind based on suppression, shame.

So there is this 'return to' self-automation what is - and never will be actually even close to who I want to be.

I must make sure I never lose perspective within shame or if doing so - I should immediately use this shame as self-reflection to actually see within what I am ashamed of and stop it by actually not doing the thing I am ashamed of, meaning: I do not do it again, Who? Myself Here. And by that I not only 'regain' Self-confident but actually expanding.

So I've been observing myself since a while when this shame comes and I am petrified and then I start to do things what are not of priority within Self-honesty but are what with I can take time - and by time I've defined I am being 'healed' from shame but in fact I am not healing it: I am forgetting it  as being occupied with something else - to distract myself from shame - until the point I am doing it again.

So what is about I am ashamed was/am.

When I had my partner who with I really wanted to make agreement but could not - there was conflict and for that I was ashamed of and especially when she stated that I am the responsible for her sufferings and that shocked me but I did not change or at least not really for years.
After walking through some self-accepted conflicts, I've realized within writing: she can not blame me, I can not blame her - if it does not work, then we should not do it and that's all.

Another thing I am ashamed of is suppression of sexual desire what then takes over and then showing me what I am creating - and then I intensify it with watching images/films what to I react with more and more excitement, arousal and then I am more and more 'charged' and then more and more I want to be stimulated, first just nice women, then naked art and then depicted sex and then I actually get into the feeling of doing so.

I do enjoy sex and not having problem with it - but as since a while I made the decision not to have partner -that particular partner - unintentionally I made sexual partnership with my mind - as it was my first partner when I was kid - somehow, somewhere regardless of how cool and exciting were my real partners - if that I could not 'get' - I went back to imaginary - (not even thinking about it or about something of real - that I dropped long ago) - but still when seeing an image, a video - I still react and that shows me that I am interested in re-experiencing a certain feeling - what is against anxiety, tiredness.

So instead of dealing with the cause of anxiety, tiredness, I go into the pattern of 'generate energy' with the most strong generator within me - what is sexual energy and when I do not 'have access to' partner - who I always prefer, however only with a decent partner who with I can agree on support and some sort of kindness - so since a while I did not seem to be interested in anybody around who with I could 'imagine' for a long-term relationship(for short-term and one nights I am not really interested). I do see that I simply tried to suppress this aspect and then one day: 'Surprise, I am here, I am you, see how strong I am within and as you'.

Therefore I am alone with my anxiety what I try to battle with intensifying energy - positive and negative - which is not even always 'conscious' - but I am just reacting and only I realize by skipping when missing something I wanted to do - for instance a daily writing + sharing - and then that means already I am 'automated' way too much based on self-dishonesty.

And then I actually see this within and then instead of stopping directly - I start to judge myself and then I become ashamed of what I accept and allow.

And the shame is not even real - because if there is real shame then one do not want to 're-live' that shame again but to change - unless is not being aware of how and when and in fact why acting the way what is not something I can be proud of.

So with this fake-shame I am busy within to deliberately destroy all my self-confidence and if I see it objectively I might have the 'right' for it because if I do something I do not want or I am ashamed of - then I should do something about it and actually make sure to PREVENT happening, MAKING it.

So then the common sense is to see what is this anxiety - not exactly, only this word - but in my language it is a some sort of subtle fear - unconscious fear, what taints me, infiltrates me, infests me in each moment by the very manifestation of fear of loss of something I am not even aware of because that would bring more fear - or that is the 'mind-defense'.

So what I fear from the most: to be direct with others and with myself, meaning absolute self-honest in each moment. Which is my greatest desire to do - and it is like I hesitate? I do not even say that I am lazy and stay in the 'hope' anymore because I am even being told I am 'diligent'. So.

How I would see myself changed in terms of social action? Well - that I see as some sort of perceived self, an imagination - however I "have" direct experience of it - but it was rare.

I'd just approach somebody and say what I want or what I see - without my 'interest'. Whatever is the outcome - I do everything in the moment I can and see what comes and in the meantime I do everything I can in the next moment.

So?

Focus, discipline, using the tools and re-alignment within self-honesty each day - and if I see I am slipping away from writing a shareable blog - I re-prioritize in the moment still while I have the time and walk through the point - which is in fact this subtle fear, anxiety what if I allow to grow by suppression - I manifest self-sabotage and actually I lose days within Process.

Meanwhile I was doing things - not just staring the walls, finishing video clips and dealing with internet outage/water pipe break+flood of the kitchen and it was interesting to see how is it a reflection of myself and also to realize 'shit happens' and who I am in this and in the meantime I lost my sense of humor for a while lolol.

Self-forgiveness and Self-correction:

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've manifested self-defined polarities within me such as self-suppression/self-expression, self-confidence/shame and anxiety/self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not taken the time to walk through my creation within self-suppression which through I sabotage my self-expression based on anxiety and fear and shame.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and become aware and see and understand and realize when in fact I am anxious and not being aware of it why, and accepting and reacting to this tension within, this energetic charge what I try to get rid off by acting based on the fear of remaining so and not realizing that the solution is to stop and re-align myself with principle of what is best for me is what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have never understood really and being able to write down that how I can assist and support myself and others with and as the consideration of 'What is best for all' practically in each moment by realizing that to actually accept myself as self-dishonest I am not acting based on the principle of 'What is best for all' and it is always that simple.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do not have to have a starting point within what I consider myself first by thinking that no one is caring about what is best for me therefore I must care myself first and then with the others meanwhile by understanding the principle of equality and oneness I can be aware of that if I walk on practically stopping being self-dishonest in each situation in my life one by one - I am acting based on what is best for me AND what is best for all as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that going into polarity games and anxiety and shame and fear from doing what I really want based any self-judgment - as fearing from not trusting myself what I want and not trusting within myself that what I want is acceptable - means that I do not trust myself and I act based on the starting point that I should not and can not trust in myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do not express myself what I want based on judgment - then I am of that judgment, I am limited by and as that judgment as myself as equal as one and the only way to let go that judgment is to let go the fear from being judged through Self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I sabotage my self-confidence and self-trust based on being ashamed on things what I do not want to do and I do want to stop yet I still do and still do not stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am anxious within because I do not stop doing myself something what I am ashamed of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a relationship within my mind, and react to images, pictures, sounds within energetic charges and not realizing that is of consciousness, of systems, of self-dishonesty, and especially when I am alone doing so it is obvious: not real.
I forgive myself that I have never considered that to have real partner was to suppress this need to have my mind as partner and not stopping myself within such relationship step by step practically but wanting to polarize/battle/balance out/win it by the intensity of energetic experiences and defining intensity as good and not realizing that intensity is just maths as 1+1=2 - within what if I participate based on self-dishonesty - I accumulate self-delusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to find the partner what I've imagined in my mind and being anxious and fear from not getting what I've defined as I need as who I defined myself to be in the first place and then when facing the fact that real partner is not as I've imagined wanting to have then anxiety and fear comes and then I move as starting point between mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions and reality as physical partner and not committing myself to stop the imaginary because that I still want to manifest based on defining who I am on that and when facing in reality not so then becoming anxious and fear from remaining so.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I fear from who I've defined myself to be even with my dreams because to have my dreams, desires in reality I must change in terms of letting go as I imagined it in my mind because even when what I desired for is here, I still compare and move between illusion and reality based on my interest of not needing to change yet wanting to have both believing it to be real because for having to experience what I see as real - I used what I 'have' within as definitions and as I let go the definitions - the physical consequence is goes and I fear from losing both as I've defined myself that one of two is required and never considered to let go both and remain the 'I' - undefined, direct, physical here within consistency.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of my past and judging it actually re-experiencing the anxiety and by that anxiety manifesting reactions which through I create the same: my past becomes my present and by not stopping creating as my future without realizing that I can and should STOP.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've been pushing myself in the wrong direction and giving energy into something what is not the solution and not being able to see what is fight within conflict by forces of my mind - and what is self-direction and self-discipline and focus.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware within in the moment of thoughts arise that I am experiencing anxiety and fear and that's what the thoughts indicate and by accepting myself within fear and anxiety - I accept the thoughts as well.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be clear within my starting point in each moment and when thoughts come I accept reacting by finding justifications and excuses just like 'being with others' or 'being busy and working' or 'not being online' or 'being tired and exhausted'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed any justification and excuse for being anxious and fearful.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I fear from is not real, but if I keep fearing it - I make it real to see is this really me and realize: not, which is unnecessary and painful to walk through instead of stopping here in and as all moments participate within fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within fearing I do not solve the issue I face as identifying myself with my automatic reaction 'chance to loss/lose' and within the chance to lose I focus to the word 'lose' and not considering the 'chance'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware of that what I am ashamed of is that which I still accept and allow within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use shame as energy to react to within judgment and generate anxiety and by manifesting anxiety doing things what I fear from doing so and then becoming ashamed of what I fear from doing so instead of simply stopping myself within constancy, consistency, within the principle of considering all as one as equal as me as life within oneness and equality based on What is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for wanting to have a partner based on fear from consequences and fear from remaining within desire and not realizing that some desires can be manifested to let go the desire from the equation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to fall into the temptation of desires based on judgments and then judging myself based on fear from remaining so and not realizing that by that I manifest to remain within fear.

To be continued...


EQAFE - Outstanding education
Desteni I Process - Exceptional Course for Self-support (free)
Journey to Life - Writing 'movement' by many based on Desteni tools, Self-honesty, Principle, Equality

[JTL 58] Self-judgment by default

I am continuing on my Day 4 - Self forgiveness: smiling

I was among a lot of people for the last days and I was able to notice several self-dishonesty within.

When I see someone and looking at her and him and I do smile - is of judgment - basically it is a reaction, a coverup for a judgment.
I see someone and then I think she is a very nice girl and then I smile at her - self-interest. If I would define her as ugly - I might not smile at her at all - maybe within the fear that then she might come over and then I have to deal with an ugly woman - however if the woman is very nice - then if I smile, she might be pleased that I appreciate her, probably assuming that I smile at her because finding her as attractive.

Or I see someone and I see it is a child and he/she is cute, so I smile because I experience this 'cute-ness' - meanwhile it even can happen that the child experiences some shit like anger or pain but as the event looks as picture - I pre-judged as cute and then this word comes alive within me and towards 'cute' there is the inner reaction as 'good feeling' - linked to the child - regardless of reality based on pictorial judgment. Fascinating.

Also it's like someone is throwing away garbage - near the garbage can and in fact not into the can - and then I judge the person - that 'this scumbag is a bastard' - pure self-judgment projected out - and the person might not be doing the best for all - but how we can be sure without self-honest, common sensical investigation - and maybe the person is throwing away the thing NEAR the can to bring up the demonic reaction within: anger, hate, dislike, obsessed with judging stuff already pre-defined within projected out.

So it is fascinating diversion from the inner truth - and many do this in the social circles I am currently participating - spiritual, yoga, hippie, musician people - they are all so positive and nice with each other, it's like the glue of positive reactionary ocean within people swim meanwhile the inner is in fact nothing else but self-interest insuranced by outer positive feedback dynamics by the values they/me judge as important/beautiful - meanwhile the important values, what are required to bring about a real change in the system are neglected, judged as not so nice such as principled living, consistency and walk on earth with two feet all the time and not go into the energetic state of positive or negative judgment of inner reactions based on words and relationship through words based on first years of childhood, based on 'self-evoluted' values what makes the ones feel the best as possible.
Obviously there are exceptions and even anomalies within this dynamics - to balance out the masses within this fuzzy logic system of matrix of personalities as for instance someone adores chicks within short skirt with big boots meanwhile some is programmed to like the long, hiding eastern clothes or more clear can be sexual preferences - as some likes the furry man or pussy or some likes the bald - there is always a judgment within what causes the specific reaction and one can debate and justify - but in fact it is stimulated, conditioned and programmed into matrix of characters what are triggered by outer circumstances.
Educate yourself to prevent brainwashing and in fact prevent your child to be brainwashed at http://lite.desteniiprocess.com wherein consistent, trustable, experienced educators assist within the first steps to establish the starting point required to separate the truth from self-delusion. It is never too late to acknowledge that 'I was lost in consciousness systems but here I am as Life' and walk out from the maze of the mind day by day, breath by breath with the tools of Self-forgiveness, Self-honesty.

[JTL Day 12] Desire and fear regarding to woman and sex intro

Follow my blog with Bloglovin
Daily Food for Self-honesty:

• http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com
• http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com
• http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

Investigate Journey To life movement

Trained and seasoned teachers assist and support you to walk Self-honesty for FREE
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Yesterday after some months I had sex with her again and I was surprised how quiet I've became today inside in terms of thoughts and feelings.
Obviously with sex I can discharge the storm within but only for a while - so even if I do not see this clearly - I will experience the consequences anyway.

Looks like all the inner troubles I give myself into is because of the lack of sex and my judgments and reactions regarding to this.

Fascinating - if I would be my mind, and would want to control me, I'd make sure that I do not have a sexual relationship within the physical.

And my mind is a reflection and inversion of me as who I am.

What does this entail?

As I see - regarding to this topic, specifically as the words within me:
'woman' and 'sex' - both have two faces - the desire after and the fear from.
The polarity manifestation of my desires and fears are quite equated - in fact by my constant reaction towards these within 'me' make me just be equated, 'still', 'balanced'.

In fact - the most practical way to describe this system what I've put in charge within and as me as this topic as 'woman and sex' - is by walking trough this specific polarity system with this specific woman who I had sex with.

So this story starts like an ordinary erotic story - but I am walking trough the self-dishonesty here - what I am doing here by starting to write out my desires and fears according to woman and sex existing trough and as encrypted energetic symbols called words.

Encrypted meaning I am not fully aware of all the details of how and why I've manifested myself like this as I experience myself here - and writing it out within the starting point of self-honesty - I can unreveal the encryption. The encryption is here to make sure in one moment I can not see trough my delusion - as layers upon layers of relationships between words I've accepted and allowed to self-define and conclude and decide and apparently choose - but within self-honest writing I can investigate the why and the how and then I can be aware of the whole story by dedication and in fact consistency and time - and to realize the ridiculousness of my constant self-delusion through and as energetic polarity manifestations triggered by words.

So that's why all the words - that's why any spiritual mantra can not be self-honestly seriously taken in any way whatsoever - as that is not the actual words what I react to - that is just an other layer upon the already self-contained layered consciousness system - an other encryption level to make sure the human not realize the RESPONSIBILITY within such delusion as thoughts, feelings emotions - and one who is really dedicated to Self-realization and Self-liberation - should not stuck at any method what is not really dealing with the words what one programmed to react to - because we already entail many-many-many-many programmed systems within our mind consciousness what makes us operate quite automatically within certain specific situations what we accepted and allowed - in fact decided not to question anymore but encrypting the whole package as 'myself' and then any question would point towars this encrypted system as the pointer word: 'myself' then one would stop, one would hesitate to question anymore, because this is what self has accepted and allowed to be and then comes the 'This is who I am, that's it' - what is the lamest excuse earth has been seen because to remain this system actually requires lots of extra effort - the constant occupation within thoughts, feelings and emotions - what is literally seeping off our real life force what we really are as our human physical bodies.

Therefore I walk trough this two words as woman and sex in terms of polarity system regarding to two dimensions: desire and fear.

Recently I've already wrote down all my fears what I could bring to surface and writing those down was quite a fun I had quite a LOL indeed - as so ridiculous to fear from for instance 'women would want to be with me all the time to do sex' what interestingly enough is also my desire as well.

So that kind of fun can come trough if one dares to pour out own self's accepted nonsense.

And this even might seem to be quite rigidly insane to write out to the world about my greatest desires and fears but hey, from this point - anyone would read this - have an opportunity to know me - not by my favourite movies or music or t-shirt - that is just the surface, the consequence - I can get fed up experiencing the surface of people quite soon - that's why I'd stick to desteni people - because they do not say so much bullshit - desteni people are quite brave in terms of what they are really doing - it takes gut and dedication to not share some nice glamour but some true real demonic shit - and actually how one walks trough and what one realizes and how walks the preparation and the living of practical transcendence.

And by reading I can relate - I can prepare myself if I would face such point in the future - and then becoming aware of the consequences - I can really decide what is the best outcome within the consideration of all - within self-honesty there is no such thing as choice only consequence.

That's why I suggest everyone who can to read some Desteni/Self-forgiveness/Journey to Life blogs each day - because this is real - this is real people facing real problems and not feeding the secret mind anymore about hiding behind curtains of our mind as thoughts, feelings emotions - what is proven to be quite limited, slow and in fact really miserable.

But sharing our mistakes, values, realizations, commitments, we are re-aligning ourselves with words - and making sure what words we speak we are always equal and one regarding to what we act - within the consideration of the best consequence not only for ourselves but all.

Also what I've noticed - that by sharing my greatest shit - actually I am pushing my limits - if anyone would not notice that I am dealing with this shit currently, then this is it - I am an open book literally - please read me and experience the words what I react to, experience my difficulties and my realizations and my process of stopping - what is the starting point of doing so - therefore also when you've read my self-dishonesty - and at a point I lose self-awareness about these points - who read it - can also realize what I am walking currently trough and assist if decides so or if required.

So

desire and fear
sir tear dear fear


The sure fare is that I can not experience desire without experiencing fear.

The reality of me is that I can not fullfil my desire without constant fear.
The fact is that I can not enjoy fullfilling my desire without suppressing my fear.
The problem is that as I am fullfilling desire I re-create the experience of fear.
The solution is to let go, give up, transcend all desires and all fears completely.

Especially woman and sex. In mind - physically it's quite alright - but in mind - any participation in thoughts, feelings, emotions(sorry girls;) about any woman or any sex and in fact anything - is not real - not me - but a strange secluded mirror-room-feedback system what is echoing me back all self-dishonesty what I've ever made - no escape;- we face all as equal as one as self each.

The most practical(cannot say 'easiest' or 'simplest') way to stop my program of desire and fear might would be to have a constant partner(woman to do sex with - experience instead of desire after experience) within self-supporting agreement. That would push me to face an other layer of self-dishonesty, but I walk points as self-accepted encrypted layers, one by one.

I've started to transform 'my' last relationship to agreement but it did not last as it was not Self-honest dedication and decision both of ourselves but it was of energy, what is coming and going - so it was over since long while. So yesterday we did something the first time together and facing the same responsibility points just like before, but first I've decided to walk Desteni Agreement Course(in lesson 4 currently since a while but it is worth each dime and moment to spend with), what is uniquely invaluable in terms of supporting ones to transform from mind-relationship to REAL relationship within the principle of equality and oneness - and not looping within dysfunctional parent-programming timeloops to intensify the already currently manifested consequences of self-dishonesty. Such as desire and fear within me regarding to woman and sex - not because I feel really shit all the time - but at times yes - and if I accept myself as hell, then I am responsible for this hell. So desire and fear - both must go as it is just an other mind-fuel-energy-layer to not take Self-responsibility in every moment.

So then woman and sex regarding to desire and fear would be one layer - and then when starting to walk this - another layers pop up - a some sort of origin - to have a desire to stop fearing from not having woman and sex - or to have -
but then can not be constant and consistent as the desire is fueled by fear to stop fear. Do you see it now? It's obvious that it's all fear - fear of self - as nothing else really can exist than self - so then what is this fear, how to stop this fear?

Here people say, the devil it's in the details - well, literally:
The fact that one can not really remember the past - is really specific - not because it is not important, but because exactly the fact, what really happened 'there' within and as the mind - as self - the exact layout and design manifestation of that fear.
How exactly it happened? How exactly I've reacted with what?
.
.
So then without fear - my desire is not started/fueled/activated to fear from not having woman and sex to then going towards woman and sex? Hmm...

Say hello to Ouroboros, the snake what eats it's own tail - the trap of 22.
Or 22222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222.

That's why Self-forgiveness. What is manifested, is already manifested, no escape - but what comes next - we can really decide by becoming aware of the self-accepted consequences with Self-forgiveness as individual and as humanity as a whole.
To stop all cycles. All programs. All personalities. All motivations must go - All self-definitions, all sacred geometry triangle self-definition manifestations I let go, remove, delete.

Only the 'I' remain as Self as Life.

I will continue with Self-forgiveness on the topic.

Also I've noticed that I accepted and allowed myself to have the tendency to post rarely but then long ones - here I am transforming it(myself) to rather being consistent to walk these points daily even if it means that I'll segregate.

Also I've started several topics to decompose within and as myself - drugs, spiritual agendas, responsibility, relationships, desire, sex, energy - and these are interconnected trough and as words as well within my life so I'll be walking these for a while from several different angles to pinpoint and cross-reference all the shit what I'm still timelooping yet being aware already. So - let's walk, enjoy!


 

Exposed: My story about women: Desires, Fears, Self-dishonesties what I STOP

My partner started to reflect back how I behave especially with women.
I write about the points what so far we've been facing.
She told me that my attitude is that I try to use each and every single opportunity to please and touch and influence women to create sexual context.
My point of view is that this is ridiculously exaggerated - and at first times she started to share with me how she experiences this - I was rejective, I reacted with neglect and even with verbal aggression.

After a few times we played this out - as somehow some specific woman tend to prefer to spend time with me wherein sharing some intimate experiences, point of views, opinions, memories etc - and indeed I've discovered some self-dishonesty points within my application. I will mark some points with a (!) what obviously I see as a point of self-compromise based on memory/fear.

My partner, S. also told me that I still can not release my first girlfriend('wife') in mind, who with I was with about almost 7-8 years ago(at least on paper we married and after about 4 years spent together - we split and divorced).
As we ended that relationship - we had issues with each other but after a while - and after 2007 as I've started Self-forgiveness, I've faced her and we met regularly until I was not satisfied with my inner reactions towards her(!).

So she me that with my first girlfriend I am still attached to and the proof is that when recently she just came back from abroad, I met with her quite soon.

So - I will write about my experiences and memories regarding to women as well and how I deceived myself with this point - how I behave with women and when and how and why I do compromise my consistence within remaining Self-honest by desires and fears.

Sometimes within this document - I write about points not directly related to 'women' - about for instance drugs, spirituality - these will make the 'story' longer but I will still remain within this 'context'.

After hearing of I am obsessed with women - the first Self-definition point what I see within me is the following:
Before I came together with my first 'real' relationship('girlfriend', 'wife', we lived together) - she rejected me for almost a year - and I did cry a LOT when my approach to come together with her obviously failed - the cry occured last time - and in that point I felt so much hurt within myself - because all my starting point was of her - and I threw away everything else as starting point and when she said that she does not neeed me - I was nothing, I was of zero, I was walking dead. And within that cry I've decided not to suffer from women anymore. Literally, it was a principle what I clearly wanted to lay down within my existence that 'because of women, I will not suffer again' - that was the last time when I did cry, about in 1999-2000. Crying as for instance mostly women and children do(! lolol) with great ease - somehow that is off.
Then she went to the US for a time and I went into depression. I started to drink heavily, punkrock concerts, stagediving, self-destruction, touching alcoholism(when reached the point of after 2-3 bottles of wine I still felt 'sober' - I've changed to short drinks for instance gin, some bitter shorts etc). Okay this was a process to reach this point but meanwhile there was an other event - what I already wrote in a blog post in about 2007 - when I was extremely sick and I had almost 42c fever for days and I almost died and I had an experience of out of body while perceiving my body and others being busy to bring down my body temperature in order to not letting me fade away. So there was this girl who was nestling me literally unconditionally, like mother or sister, Erika, she really assisted me without a blink. After deciding to remain in this world, I became better and I started to release my depression because of my unresponsed love.

Meanwhile still walking down on the hill of alcoholism, I was with a young girl who I knew from MUD(telnet-based text-multi-player roleplay game) and we married in the game then we met and we did drink alcohol and then we did sex.
I was so enthusiastic about here is a real girl who I can do sex with - I remember at the kitchen of the dormitory I was trying to lick her pussy but somehow the taste of her body was so intense, so 'raw' - that I almost did vomit - but by the strong want to have sex, I could overcome even the smell of her body what I never really liked. Not that she was stinky, but somehow that was I guess, not my 'taste' - yet mentally I was able to override this within me, so we came together. But she was 17, virgin, sometimes literally hysteric, so it was not really 'boring'. After a while we learnt how to do sex, we did it in secret from her family, but honestly - the sex thing was what pulled me into this - and yes, the other point was she adored me.

We agreed on that if one of us would not 'love' the other anymore, then we must end our relationship. But as 'love' as I 'had' that who I did cry for before - I never had - in fact I never wanted again, so it was ok, but in a way I never really 'loved' her. She was in some sort of religious high-school from me about 200 Km, she was in this black metal, black clothes thing while she hated religion and priests - and I found myself in 'distance-relationship' - we met about 2-3 days in 2 weeks for about 8 months. At the end I guess I got bored and I started to enjoy that her older sister started to show up her interest to me and my girlfriend had these jealousy frenzies what we enjoyed with her sister - but nothing happened.
In one day, I told to my girlfriend that I do not love her anymore, we should end it right now - then she was crying for long hours and I did regret that I said that, even I could be with her again if I could undo that - but there was no way back.

After that, my big love who I cried for the last time came back from US and told me that she realized, she wants me, and I was really surprised and we came together. I did not believe in her for months, I was waiting for the moment in fear when she would say that this was just an other psychological test(her 'profession'). But she wanted me so much, so it was then officially a relationship.
In a way that's why I do not take any of my 'interest' within woman seriously unless it's constant for months.(!)

So, when I was in this relationship some years ago - with my first 'love' - I never could imagine other woman with me than her - in that time I never 'felt', I never wanted to 'have' other women - however I've spent quite time with other girls at the University - many times I did drink with them, even sometimes we slept in the same bed - but I never consciously thought even the possibility to 'cheat' my partner in that time - about in 2000. I was even proud of that, that I am 'straight' in that and I liked myself for that - After about two years - there was one specific girl, who I mentioned that assisted me when I was sick, Erica - who was always very kind with me and in fact that my 'girlfriend' reacted towards her with extreme jealousy - because somehow I always referred to her as my beloved sister and my girlfried hated that - but with Erika nothing has happened really except I had this unconscious attraction towards her what I never felt to need physically experience - I really felt like she was my second 'sister'.

There were issues when she was also pulled into situations of sexual temptations - and I was jealous like hell - and with alcohol - I was really fucked up in that time - one day I remember I was literally heading the brick wall really strong to get rid of the extreme mental and emotional pain of jealousy. And it was clear that my girlfriend liked me to manipulate me with the point of other men, for instance with the ones with big muscles - as I am a thin guy - and I was enormously frustrated and developed a resonant jealousy and hate within me towards men with muscles - what years later I could release only.
My roommates from the dorm never really liked my girlfriend as they always said that she was fucking my brain but I always told them 'you never could understand this'. She was not evil, she was just screwed up by definition coming from a deeply religious family wherein she was the 'black-sheep' within the family because she did not live literally like a nun.

Many scars we gathered together what we never could directly face or discuss, not even stop - in a way, I perceived that like somehow 'I am living faster than the people around me' - I was living with my girlfriend in an apartment and I felt like I am married since 30 years - and it was really heavy. She really assisted me in a way - financially, phychologically etc... I remember before we met - I barely could speak with women - I was afraid to even look into the eye of a woman without having my face being red - and I could not directly speak. That's why alcohol she gave me to be able to speak with me. I could write a full-blown book only about that 4 years of university, but here I bring up one more important point and then I will focus onto the 'women and relationship' again:
One day she gave me a book "A rainbow of consciousness" by Feldmár Andrew.
It was about rebirth, how we are fucked by our parents, family and how with LSD, DMT we could re-experience the moment of innocence and emptyness and by pushing ourselves through birthing again - we can start over. Or at least for me this was the message and I've read that book 3 times. But in that time I never considered drugs. But that was one point what took me and my mind absorbed it without much notice. Within my relationship we did less sex already, we built up a distance between us, I did not liked that there were places within 'her life' where she never allowed me to go - for instance her drawer she hated when I even opened that and I felt like I am abused by being with her but not sharing everything unconditionally. Of course I did not need her panties, but it was a symbol - and then I screwed with her simply opening her drawer and poking her stuff and singing 'lalalalalalala' while enjoying her screaming like hell. We knew that we screwed up our 'big love' but we could not help, we wanted to end yet we did not wanted to end.

After some years, when I've finished university - I've moved to Budapest and in that time I've started to 'experiment' the so called psyhedelic drugs. For that time our relationship was already in severe trouble as we did not live together anymore(she remained in Debrecen city for a year more to finish University) and we did not speak frankly+directly and we allowed our feelings and emotions to direct us, so the end was in a way inevitable. However we married on paper for her 'green card' - and we lived together at several places. But it did not work really so we finally split.

After that - I did not even wonder about women for a while because I built up an other relationship with LSD, with mushroom, with hash etc... In a way, the stuffs blew my mind but somehow I persuaded myself that it's like with computers - I am directing, and there is absent of this social context wherein I was always lost since childhood.
With my girlfriend, our relationship was not ended in 'harmony' - we always had argues and as I remember now - I already started to watch and wonder about other women - but still never could imagine to physically express this. I've started to suppress these 'feelings' in about 2002-2003. So then we 'officially' ended our relationship and I was living alone.

After a while - I've realized that I am alone - I do not have girlfriend - so I started to define myself as 'alone' - not only as 'lonely as myself' but as 'open for women'.
However his openness excluded even the possibility for a new 'relationship' with another girl - as I made myself obviously clear about what we did with my girlfriend - was not really 'healthy' from the perspective of self-development for the long term. So I've judged relationship according to our 'just finished' relationship. Fuckedupness, pink bubble, selfishness, ego-playout, dependency, habit, hideout, pretending, self-doubt, fear are the words what come up from that point.

After that there were phases when I stopped pushing the acid like hell(mostly when literally touching the constant experiences of schizophrenia of endless mental dimensions and facing direct physical rudeness of my existence)- and in a degree in these time frames - my 'normally operating' mind melted together for being able to state out - I need woman.

So then I was able to see that I am missing woman, especially by suppressed sexual desire.
For a while I met with girls through Internet-dating sites. That was very hectic. Mostly I went to meet violently stoned, smoking one-three giant sips from the bong and then I've experienced extreme resistance to go out to the street and go into the mass transit, the subway - many times I've literally fell apart within and in a way, from some unnamed perversion, I liked this - to literally walking through this resistance step by step what came so intensely that I had to push myself physically to finally meet with 'the' girl.
In fact nothing really happened in these occasions - about 5-10 times I did this - except that the most direct ones told me that I am crazy at the utmost degree - then I realized that doing this is bullshit.

I was in the middle of my 'dark ages' when I did push psychedelics as much as I could - very rarely I came across with girls who were a bit similar to me - not only the attitude - but probably about the self-dishonesties within too.
So then specific girls somehow started to be attracted towards me - and I was almost outside from me by the drugs and my strong desire to 'fly' - and when I experienced physical touch with a girl - somehow I was almost pulled into situations where I was directed by my desires and strongly influenced by girls. Not much girls, about 2-3 I can count throughout these years.

But the meaning of this was that I've found myself to be defined by myself that "I do not run after women, they should come at me if they really want something."
And I liked that - by that self-definition I did not need to wander much within myself regarding to women - I am simply as I am and if a woman wants me, then she can fish me out of the chaos. Also it was like I am the great Tala who for women come haha shit.

So I've defined myself 'alone' - in the situation wherein I do not need to focus to one girl - but I can touch more than one if I can - but I could not - as I did not do anything for that - it was an other self-definition - that I can 'play' with multiple women as I am currently not in a relationship. It was a suppressed desire.

In fact nothing really happened - at occasions, women approached me - and almost always - I rejected them but not directly - mostly simply sneaking away when I could and then they probably got it.

But most of the time - I was so fucking busy with overwhelming my brain with acid and salvia and mushroom and hash, that probably I was not the one that women strive for within the current human system.

In that time I was already playing with tibetian buddhism - okay, how I got into that: Because I practiced Aikido and the Sensei told me that I should read Buddha - so I've read many sutras from the buddhist scriptures and at one night I was very sick and I had a dream about a foggy shining form what was saying some mystic syllabes and I felt myself miracoulously I was cured. Or at least I perceived like that - what really happened I never could clarify directly. But in that time I did not use much common sense - I was absolutely driven by my childhood prorgramming through family, school, hollywoodoo movies and my fears - so by influences from outside - I was literally directed within the Matrix by my nose.

Back there I was not able to comprehend that dream - it was something very strange, mystical and intense. However I was reading through multiple dozens of new age/spiritual/zen/buddhist books and I've found definition of a buddha aspect chenresig, the compassion form of the buddhas, and it's blahblah: om mani padme hung. So then That I identified with my dream and I was very keen to define myself to be invited by this buddha form into the Tibetan buddhism. So I started to walk into that shit without a blink.

I had one-two mates who with we've pushed our mind with the hippie drugs already within great velocity, so together we approached one of the western buddhist flagship group, the Kagyu lineage of Tibetian Buddhism, with Karmapa, Lama Ole.
I do not go into the details about that - but in that time we experienced many energetic overwhelming experiences regarding to meetings and 'lectures' and 'initiations' and ceremonies, so very soon we've joined into the 'group' and started to make ourselves familiar with the practice. Before that I've practiced the Zen sitting and watching and 'allowing the mirror of the lake to become smooth by releasing the thoughts desires feelings' but somehow these always came back when I stopped the focus on the 'inner silence' - I was able to suppress these by my enormous want to get rid of my shit - but after I stood up and walked with people again - I was lost again. I needed something else. That's why I was very opened to the Tibetan shit, that's why it attracted me because it gave me hope.

So there I've met S., my current partner - but in that time we did not come together - I've wrote about that already in some of my previous blog posts in the last years - but slowly I've started to show up the pattern of 'love' regarding to her - what I previously walked through with the conclusion of 'avoidable'.

But she was different in a way than my ex-wife - from my perspective it was one level up as her intent was apparently very similar to mine, to reach the full enlightenment and buddhahood and all of this lolness agenda.

By walking with her in Asia - we did not come together - we were such great egos that we could not yield from our stubbornness.
Once we did sex and her boyfriend was very aggressive on the skype with her and I did regret what I've done to make her cheat with me - and then she felt like fell 'between two horses' - and she was really out of control, cried and approached me with bully and wanted to force me to stay with her and I could not take self-responsibility, my pink bubble of her beauty was off and I saw her as a 'normal human' and then I was not really interested in her. Yet she was still fucked up and she was sick and I just wanted to avoid her because I could not 'process' this clearly within me. We were in the middle of our Asian tour and I've forced myself to not travel with her anymore and I was with other hippies, Italians for instance in India etc. I just smoked tons at the gathering Kumbh Mela while by taking bath in the Ganga hoping that I will get rid of my karma. OMG WTF.

I've burnt myself again with the self-fuckedupness by definition according to women. So in that phase - I've again closed myself down from this part of existence.

And there were girls (almost typed 'grills' lol) who approached me, some even directly to just try out an 'one night stand' with me but I always slipped away. The intensity with I've closed myself down sexually was remarkable.

I could not handle direct communications, I could not handle when women who I am attached to not behave the way as I imagined or wanted to - then simply I was about to leave - to not even get close to face the same points wherein I've defined myself as 'fallen' already.
Also I've faced some near-death experiences, what were physical 'accidents' wherein in one moment I was able to release all my mindshit to physically act and literally save my ass from the certain death - in those moments - I was not aware of, but it happened: I released all my spiritual desires, dishonesties, and I was moving physical without any definition. However I fell again, I did smoke again, I was off money, I was alone, I was sick, I directly experienced the metal-claws of the Matrix about how it handles the ones who are off power(money, self-will). It was rude, raw, painful and extremely awakening. I came back home to lick my wounds and recover from weight-loss. I did not consider women really, I slipped down in the pyramid of maslow to the survival-ism. Who wants to fuck when death is knocking at the door?

Then at Budapest - I had Internet at the first time at my place and as I was alone - I started to watch sex movies, I mean porn. When I was a kid - I also did that - the videotapes of my grandpa I watched and made myself extremely excited when I was about 10-14.

So then on the internet - I've watched porn and masturbated for a while. I re-approached internet-dating sites and I had not much 'success' - so then I've tried out more direct sites wherein people were about to find sex partners directly.

I felt like they are the same as the 'normal-relationship-seeking-ones' but these are with less sugar-like bullshit - wanting to find a partner who with they can have sex. That was my approach as well - and who with I will enjoy sex - it maybe can expand into a 'relationship' - but mostly I was simply driven my penis. But I never did fuck on Internet-dating.
It was too raw, too alien, too much I could have to do in order to just get what I really want - to satisfy my needs - but this was not what I wanted. I wanted REAL beings, real touch, real intimacy - even when I had no idea what is that meanwhile my desires pulled into meetings with strange women - I was always sure that it(life) is not just meet with a stranger and fuck.
So when physically I've faced these girls - not that much, about a half dozen - I did not initiate sex - once with one girl we did oral play but after that I decided not to continue that.

After that I've found Desteni Videos on Youtube - that was very new paradigm, I've never met this kind of message. So I was into that for a while. And after a while - I've realized - I am fucked way beyond I even can determine from where I am - so I must walk out from my accepted self-deception. So I started Self-Forgiveness, I started writing down what I contain as Mind Consciousness System - to see what I've accepted and allowed and what I must stop inevitably within this lifetime. Because this is not who I really am.

From that point it was obvious that I am not ready for relationship, about 2007 october - I stopped consciously seeking woman for relationship.
I started to focus on Self, first to clean up the bullshit agendas - at least the most obvious ones, drugs, spiritual/buddhist/shamanist/new age things - for long months I was very busy to literally forgive and let go of myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously participating within mantras and definitions and energetic experiences of the mind as with these systems I've shielded myself from reality as excuses anyway. As once Bernard told something like that: 'when the shit falls into the ventilator: immediately everything is full of shit' - that kind of direct experience when once can realize the Process as Self. Nowhere to go - I am every Here - so I deal with the shit.
But in the beginning the decision is real only, the physical walk must be explored.

I still participated within Internet dating - not really, but sometimes the suppressed sexual desire simply was very strong and it was like a some sort of possession - and then I was looking for a woman who is more likely for me but not really found.

Then, after 1-2 years - I realized that I am still dishonest about the desire/sex/porn/suppression/fear points - so I've accumulated a decision to a point where I was able to clearly state out that I want a real, physical woman.

Somehow I still refer woman to 'girl' as it still indicates that I am resonantly still looking for woman who is behaving like a girl for instance by starting point or by feelings - because the girl is then maybe 'irresponsible' or 'can be manipulated' - great points.
So then I was trying to persuade one-two specific girls around me that Agreement is the way, come on, what are you waiting for?

The first one was really a point what I had to understand how and why I am resonantly being attracted to women who are obviously dishonest and not really want to change but manipulate and hide behind false images.

There were some intense months, when I realized that I was walking a path wherein I am not really within the supportive environment from the perspective of Self-Honesty. That girl(here referred as 'G' - never wanted to be with me but enjoyed to play with me and I was driven by my desires and dishonesties. So then I made the decision to stop meeting with her. For months the hope lasted and when the patterns of fuckedupness came up what I already walked in the past - I realized I stepped into shit again. So I stopped that.

Then, the next girl, who I was within some sort of relationship - it was sexual at last - but that was mostly about that and we could never directly discuss points - and she apparently liked the 'idea' of Self-Forgiveness and walk as equals but in practical - never did - and I had to realize that I was hoping and sometimes I was projecting some anger towards her(!) what was because I was accepting shit within myself.

Meanwhile I visited Desteni farm - what I wanted since 2007 but I had no money, I had no way out from the current job - but I was sure that one day I will be able to go and it was so.
It was really assisting to see how these humans walk as equals at the farm and not accepting shit. Also I saw and spoke with beings within Agreement(for instance Leila and Gian, Maite and LeslieJohn) wherein they support themselves and each other as equals and face the points of Self-dishonesty within a sexual relationship - that was I wanted to try by myself. Also it was great assistance to discuss with my Resonances about how I am socially still holding onto points from specific phases of my early life wherein I am still responsible for separation regarding to my inner experiences and the world outside as manifested Self-dishonesty. I must walk from the Matrix of Perfection into the Self-Perfection.
So when I came back from the farm I was telling her that agreement is cool, we should do that but not really happened...she had still feelings towards her ex-boyfriend and I judged her as she sometimes did drink a lot of alcohol and hated herself for days then deciding not to do so again and timelooping within that. Each of occurrence of this loop - we became more and more distant.
At the end of that - when we already 'barely did sex' - this relationship faded out smoothly - and at the end she wrote an email about she found her love and she wants to be 'intimately' only with her new partner, so that's it. After that for an hour I was agry, it was fascinating to see - how I was angry at her - but in fact - I was angry at myself because I gave into the hope again - the hope that it can work, and at the end - I was angry at myself. I literally had to forgive myself to release this energetic possession what I was silently compressed, suppressed according to my fears/desires/hopes regarding to the pre-definition of 'agreement'.(!)

So then it was finished - and I had to realize that from the beginning of this relationship - I was compromised by my 'want' and 'hope' for make this to an Agreement, however my starting point was not clear, my starting point was of desire.

So then, I've decided to refine my starting point again and not to judge my 'fall' - because I was driven by ideas and not practical, physical reality.

After that I met with S. again - who I was with in Asia. So then we were about to being attracted sexually - however still I was facing with serious resistances. Resistance towards her - because of the memories what we participated within our past in Cambodia about 3-4 years ago.
These resistances were so imminent that I realized - this is a great opportunity to walk through my self-created reality what is of definitions, what is of fears, what is of assumptions.

I've noticed that she's changed. She had to change because she had a little child and by that she is more 'physical' - she has to consistently support her kiddo day by day, she can not fly away that much as she did years before - so that is really supporting for a woman and she was able to use some common sense. I've defined her that she did not change much within - but within application - yes - and we were able to discuss points what we were unable years back there.

I wanted to meet with her and deal with my shit what I've created regarding to her - at least to make sure that when I will engage into a next approach to form an agreement from relationship- I will not bring my past and I will not re-manifest my already manifested self-dishonesty.

I also noticed that I still 'contain' sexual affection towards S regardless of my fears. Probably that and the 'feel' that we screwed up before and wanted to 'correct' it - brought us together again.

I approached her about this - but I was unable to simply start a 'relationship' with her without seeing the 'end of the tunnel' - so I said to her that my plan is to leave the country in about next summer - but until that we could try this new thing what I saw people are doing at Desteni farm: Agreement. She told me that it sounds cool and she never was with a guy who with she could discuss points directly and anyways I am a bit more attractive for her than I was back there in Asia.

So we started to 'walk together' - and in fact we did not discuss points until the outmost degree, we did not stated the starting points directly, we did not lay down the basic words what we agree on, she is also not ready to share herself in her Birth Name on the internet, she was obviously not applying Self-Forgiveness since a while, so I was concerned - but as I was able to deal with her already(not as before some years ago - I was able to - or at least I persuaded myself that I am able to directly say things to her and not yield from points what are principles of myself), so then I was able to say to her that I can engage with her to try to manifest an Agreement.
And at least - sexually we do not have to wonder and participate within fantasies.

But.

I was still meeting with the girl(G.) who I could not make a relationship with - I should refer them somehow because here I already mention a lot of woman and in fact it is quite a mess what I've created. So. G was S.'s friend and they meet quite often - also because of the buddhist agenda they participate together(the same where I met with them) - and they like each other.

So I met with G and while re-meeting with G - but already realized that not for relationship - for what then? This was a point where I could compromise myself with the point for instance: 'to face her and release the still existing self-dishonesties within me' - what I like to rephrase with ex-girlfriends(or ex-not-girlfriends) in order to meet with them. That should be investigated further more. So.

When I was meeting with S., at the beginning, G was often there - and my tendency was quite clear on the physical level - that I was still touching G more likely than S. - as in the beginning S. was of my past wherein we could not come along and she was 'more cool than' before - but I did not want to do something 'serious' with her.
But somehow when I met with G and S at the same time - all together they did not seem that 'dangerous'. Dangerous from my perspective. From the point of I could go into a frenzy about 'never wanting to have relationship with buddhist again' for instance - or 'never wanting to have a relationship with S.' - and 'never really wanting to build up a desire again towards G again - because it did not work practically'. So then somehow spending time with this two girls - I allowed myself to fall into the desire and I've manifested that physically like the following:

G likes guys wander around her and they please and excite her, verbally and physically, even a bit sexually but never going to the point of direct sex.
Touching, fondling, massaging, hugging and playing with words and just simply play around, going to party together, dancing and speaking.

At some point I was still mesmerized by her presence, by her body taste(Waist–hip ratio!), by her voice, by her attitude. And S. was also there, and I started to wonder about what if I also could play with her - as when I was with her alone - she was also opened in a way for me - and once she even stated that she could imagine to be with me and she also noted to me that she is more attracted to me since I am more directive.

So then as I've defined myself and my desires according to women - by the self-accepted definitions and informations - I started to notice that S. also wants the touch. I was high of this. I was not aware of this directly, I was not really wondering about how they really feel - I was simply using the opportunity and three of us played around, for instance did kissing together.
After that kissing - G went home, more precisely she went to meet with her new boyfriend - and I was with S..

Then we started to speak. Then we started to have sex. Then we spoke more and I've noticed that she is more stable than ever. What I noticed also that she is still holding onto the points what we faced in Cambodia 4 years ago - but I could handle it. I could speak to her directly and I could bring up points what she got. At least I perceived like that.

So then after a couple meetings together three of us - G did not show up that much - she started to fall into her usual 'very busyness' - she was lost within her tasks and duties and work and school etc - and her new boyfriend - so we did not meet that much - or if so - then we directly went to a party two of us then we spoke and did massage and dance for instance. But I noticed that my desire - my want her for sex - my strive for touching her - was not really present anymore - I started to be satisfied with S. and with our application and with my intent to introduce Agreement within our speak, within our discussion, within our application.
What was really assisting to realize - that sometimes I stil 'had' the need to please her - in fact to please myself with her - but sometimes not - and after some events - I realized the truth - that in fact it is MY DECISION - but I was not honest with myself within my applications - that always I decide what I participate within. Obviously I was not directly aware of the beginning of 'not wanting to please with G' - that in fact I decided not to - but not directly, but by the accumulation of 1+1=2. Then I realized - I can decide anything - then I can walk myself into my decision as reality - and then by walking - I can face myself - is that direct physical - or still based on energetic waves? Anyways - I stopped wondering about G as I had no desire for 'woman' - because I experienced it with S.

So it happened like that - S. sometimes noted that she is not absolutely happy about when three of us met that I was more likely focusing to G - but I said to her that if it is a problem, then say so, and then she answered that it is not a problem. At least she wanted equal attention in these times. That was the beginning of our relationship.

Probably by 'simply' 'alone' I could never imagine myself to engage into a 'relationship' with S. - but at the beginning G was here and by her 'sugarlike/cheesey/sweet/honey-like' attitude - my 'edgyness' was reduced and I was not full of walls regarding to anything about S..

So we then 'officially' came together - G I did not see for months - and I was with S..

I've noticed some points from my past what directly came up and I've allowed it. For instance I've smoked again. Yes, after 3 years no smoking, after deeply realizing how I fucked myself up with that in long term - somehow I was tempted by the stuff and then for weeks I was resisting the stuff to smoke - but in fact I made the opportunity to have some - and I lied to myself - 'for a guy who visited me from abroad' - and when that guy came and he said that 'he was full of that shit in the last months and he does not want to smoke' - the stuff remained - and then for weeks I was fighting the inevitable. I've smoked. For one-two occasions I even would not judge myself - but I did more so.
And meanwhile I was meeting with S. - with the stuff I guess I was armoring, pacing myself - or at least my ego.

At that point I was conscious about I am walking shit again - but I compromised my walk by allowing any excuse for the fact that I am walking with a partner who directly expressed that she is curious the desteni material, the self-forgiveness, the Agreement as she is fed of the sneaky bastards who she was with in the name of 'relationship' wherein she even allowed abuse by the guys. She also wanted change and it was clearly true.
In that point I did not consider her starting point - I did not consider myself within the 'shoes' of her - and I did not consider my desires and my fears according to relationship.

I did not give myself fully into that - I was 'just meeting with her' - I was 'just' speaking with her and I was 'just' having sex with her meanwhile stating to her that 'Let's manifest an Agreement' - while I did not focus onto points what came up - for instance the self-suppression by smoking when fear comes up - so I've manifested a timeloop.
Also another self-compromise point what I allowed and I must make sure I will not deceive myself by this again is the following:
-I realized I am slipping, but directly I did not FACE MYSELF to dig out immediately as moment - as I've accepted the resonant FEAR to realize the self-dishonesty what I allow within myself - so the excuse was this:
'I do not exactly know/understand/realize the 'nature' or the 'core' of this dishonesty, so I dare myself to make mistake and I trust myself, so I will learn from this shit anyways...'.(!) No comment, fascinating - this kind of dishonesty I already walked before some times and this is the first time I can write it down.

Meanwhile I was still meeting with an other woman, for my second job, at this point since one and half year - she was the one who gave the job, in a way 'principal/contractor' and I enjoyed to meet with her even regarding to the job - and I was not directly aware of she could imagine me as her partner - I did consider her and I did consider her as my possible partner for agreement - but that girl stated out several times that she wants 'family', 'love', 'house in the country', 'children' and that kind of life. And I judged that kind of way extensively - because I've came from that - or at least what people call like that and I directly experienced this as a catastrophe.

I did not initiate sex with her - but we did meet in a spa, we did huggings, fondlings, speaking about intimate things - and I was not directly clear about I do not want her - it was like I did not want to fuck with her, because it could mean I am dishonest, because I was afraid to engage her in relationship - but anything else then can occur - because as 'cheating' - I 've defined fuck only and anything else is still cool, I am still self-honest if I even excite or allure another woman.

In fact this woman in a way is that kind of programmed definition of 'beauty' within me - pure hollywood stuff - long curly dark hair, the perfect Waist–hip ratio, her voice etc - I was mesmerised by her presence and by her attention towards me. Not much that I could go into an obsession/posession, but it accumulated and influenced me.

I also noticed that much assistance I get from her - the speaking, touching with her - was like intentionally melting down the ice of walls within my mind according to face women and open up and not fear to share and express. She sent me to contact dance, to get physical within touch and explore physical equality and balance with any partner in any moment - that she walks since years, so that I've defined as very cool.

Yet I could not try to even approach her directly with the idea of we may could try to be together - and I was aware of she will not do the first step, so it was cool, I had nothing to 'fear' from walking into serious fields wherein I could fail as I did in the past. So sometimes I simply expressed myself with her regardless of desire, no urge, no mask, then I experienced this attraction towards her, then it was gone. I liked that, I experienced some 'space' within me without the direct experience of fear from 'falling into a relationship wherein I am not in directive principle'.

Meanwhile 'I came together with S' and met with this woman(girl), and(lol) also an other girl slept at my place and I also did fondling and naked sleep with her - and I fell into the desire and I toucher her - and again - I did not fuck with her - it was almost too much and with her we in fact realized it was too much - we do not do that again and this was cool - but then something 'more than touch but less than fuck' happened again.

What I realized when I started my process that all the temptations of the mind I must walk unwaving - and there is one temptation for me - here - is this temptation from women, sexual temptation - not even the sex directly - to swirl around specific pieces of skins of the body in order to electrify quick or long-term energetic rushes - it's not even about that - but how I define myself according to women. 'Of course' I've managed to manifest some sort of sexual addiction within me - but I always was aware of that death will come one day and in one blink we are no more - and also that fact that each women will almost literally rot in alive while reaching the age of 60-70-80 years - so from the perspective of 'time' - for me it was always 'easy' to release that 'obsession' with 'beautiful women' - because I blink a thousand or ten thousand more and this beautiful body will be saggy and weak, shaking and sick, ugly and stinky - so fucking what? But this idea of power and about women what with I've allowed myself to fuck myself up.
So when I Started Process in 2007 - I realized I will be tempted with women extensively and I must walk the talk of Self-honesty and one of my 'points' is of this - but this came so fast that I did not realize that I am already within this phase of being tempted even sexually by a half dozen of women.

And my partner, S. told me that she is not really hell-like about that I resonantly play alpha-male, she simply said that I am sneaking around women again and again, and at least I should take Self-responsibility about these things and these women who I give hope and then in fact not stand by and with them. Not even speaking about 'MY' 'Agreement' with her.

Meanwhile I was pushing her points what I was seeing on her - and I directly asked her to push me by my points, even by this 'obsession with women' - to get the reflection of what I physically am and of - that's why I wanted to Walk Agreement - to get the points what I can not see - what I do not want to realize by myself.

So then sometimes when she pointed out that she is experiencing that I still behave with women as I am open - regardless of her presence or her notes. It's like this constant obsession of needing to assert to myself that I am needed for women.

And meanwhile I still allowed myself to smoke - and when I was simply tired or I was not really 'up to' meeting S. - I smoked, I played with computer for instance Call of duty Black ops for some hours - then "ahh shit, it's 20:00 already, I want to face her and I simply pushed myself into rushing to 'meeting with her'" and 'just' see what will happen.

It happened like this for some times - and around this point was when I stopped vlogging blogging for some months. I wanted to do so - but I was full of self-accepted self-dishonesty.

After some time I started to be really fed up about my dishonesty - and I told this to S. - in fact I was still doing VLOGs and some writings - but I simply judged it as myself as shit and I simply deleted or considered as 'not really supportive' for sharing as I could not stand by the starting point of these expressions.

When I saw the microexpressions on my face in a vlog - what I directly could define as 'irritation', 'anger' and 'confusion' - I made the decision to stop smoking and open this up directly with my partner S. and start to write about it directly and start to accumulate Self-Will to stand up from Self-dishonesty.

At the moment I've decided to do so - I immediately experienced quite a relief - from the burden what I manifested and what I carried - but it's still within me and when I am not directly breathing HERE - it is influencing me in such a degree that I am still participating within self dishonesty.
I realized - again - that I must accumulate Self-direction, Self-will, Self-honesty by starting over from 'scratches' - no way I could remain as Infinity as I am at the moment, so I push.

Meanwhile S. was still telling me that I do look very possessed about the women point and it looks like I still fear and I still want to prove something or want to avoid direct responsibility with my current partner.

And at moments I realized something about this -refractions, glimpses - but at occasions I simply neglected it and resisted and I attacked her with my favourite point within our relationship: that she is still participating within tibetian buddhism - she is still hoping and doing absolute shit instead of acting within Self-honesty.

She was quite fed off my stuff and myself as well - and then as I was telling her that I do not accept shit for a long time, she told the same - and then I started to release this ego-shield - what I developed as excuse-system within and as my mind to not needing to realize what I am still participate within myself from the starting point of Self-dishonesty.

Then I've started to accumulate decision within my writing and investigate through writing again and again about the points and then I've noticed that she is right - and I want to have multiple women - because somehow I am not satisfied with the one - and I even remember for stating out that there are two-three women around me that all of them together if we could come along - would make the perfect relationship for me. So then that simple sacred geometry triangle information system I've defined as myself. And by that self-definition I have aligned myself with and as this information within my expressions without a blink, without even considering the women who I was 'thinking about' to - in fact - have them for me. LOL. And of course never wanting to stand with them as equals as me with taking full responsibility - so it was not really Life.

As I write this down - it is obviously not Self-Honesty within action. But to stand up for the self-created resistances what I was not even aware of - about WHY I was unable to directly face this point within myself for a long-long time.

This I've noticed already that here is my partner and there are points - HERE are points what she is directly pointing out simply by speaking about it to me - and when she is saying that this is bullshit - I at times simply neglect or am unable to do anything about in the moment - and there are year-like seconds - time stops, I am here and there is no way to go anymore and then I realize - well - there is no more running - it is exposed.

Recently we also discussed the point of fear from 'infinite' placement of self within a relationship, within an agreement. My need of wanting to 'see the end of the tunnel' is of self-definition. I must release this within Self-honesty.

If I look at the issues what I 'bring' into my current relationship - it is already reduced - I can stop some points already - because of the supporting environment of our relationship what has been started to transform into an agreement.

The sex-based occupations what are of the mind such as suppressed desires, fantasies, porn - rarely still come up but I am not giving into that, I am not participating - even when I accidentally face such things - I notice that I am here, I breath - and I must be sure that I do not accumulate any slightest inner reaction toward these kind of expressions - because then I will be possessed again.

The fear from being within a relationship - is reducing at every time we meet - by realizing that I have nothing to fear - I am the directive principle of my life - in fact accumulating self-will to place myself into the active application of 'what is best for all'.

The sexual desires towards other women, especially the ones who I mentioned, who I still meet and who even sometimes express their interest and attraction towards me even sometimes not only by 'giving attention' but sometimes sexually - I must realize that I am in an agreement wherein I stick to the words with what we agreed on to walk this process - and that is more important than some temporally occupation within sex with somebody who I did not agree with for walking as equals - however if energetic reactions would come up - I know that the definitions regarding to unknown and the hope could come up what I already realized that is of fear, that is of self-dishonesty.
I directly told the other women that I made the decision to walk with S. at this moment, I take responsibility and however I do not play monk with them(a hug for instance is ok but pleasing I must not participate within), however I do sex only with S.
I am still correcting myself by not participating within desire - at all - with any women - but 1+1=2 - accumulation and by realizing the re-location of myself by and as the principle of What is best for all - I am able to stand up for desires, I am able to walk through programmed-fear of I am not good enough and to polarize/compensate that constantly seeking for affirmations from women because I've defined my power according to beauty and women.

So that's it for now about reviewing -again- my points towards women and relationship - I stand as the process of stopping my participation within the mind.
I see that each time I write about this topic - the more I open, the more directly I share the core points within my intimacy about my self-dishonesties. And I also realized that what I did not share within my previous writing about these things before - are of self-definitions - because anything I share as I perceive myself to be - is of the mind what I've became - and if I am shy about points, if I regret points - if I still want to things keep in secret - about those points in fact I still do not want to change - that's why I do not want to expose those points.

So I keep pushing each point by sharing. This document is 'deep' enough to use it as material for Self-forgiveness, Self-corrective application.

This is part of facing my resonant fear from expressing myself constantly so I must face, realize, forgive, stop, release and let go unconditionally within constant, stable physical expression breath by breath.