[JTL Day 227] Everybody dies

This is a reminder of what is really going on here and to share a common sense point, because this might not be that obvious in overall:

Everybody dies

I remember when my sister considered me once as a 'strange man who thinks about death' - well, not exactly, but it does not mean I do not realize every day that I am certainly going to die.

This might sound like creepy, but it is not a bad thing at all - well, this is not a fear-based reaction, like 'o m g - I am going to die, noooooo' - but it's rather like 'well, practically put, what is important, what are the values, principles, the very meaning of life of who I represent here within my living expression today - and tomorrow.

It also can be really awesome if I also consider what I have expressed yesterday and before, but only to be able to clarify who I am going to be today and tomorrow as the best I could be possible.

'Best' meaning here to live up to my utmost potential, which I might not know until I push myself through some resistances, even uncomfortable situations, finding out and expanding my limitations - and within that if I put everything of myself, I might see it.

There is a cool concept which I encountered through the books of Carlos Castaneda - he was of a 'shaman' apprentice by the story.

There were qualities pronounced by his teacher, Don Juan and Don Jenaro: one of those was being: impeccable, blameless.

This was always an important thing within my life, to live like I would not feel ashamed or to regret what I did or did not - but how can I ensure that I will not regret anything? That I have no shame at all. The common sense is to always give all I can every day, in each moment and I might not know how much I can do until I did not try.

My father was also referred as a 'strange man', he also often contemplated about death, but his message to me was 'see, son, we could die any day and we can't do anything about it, so it seems quite pointless, we have no control' - meanwhile how I concluded was the opposite - because I have nothing to lose(listen to Bernard's interview!) - I can and should live up to my possible utmost potential, which I might not know until I am absolutely certain that I did all I could, I pushed all my limits until I could and I did not give into any temptation of any resistances within my mind. Why? Because what I resist persists - and then I am not the directive principle, rather I allow an accepted consequence to set a limit to me, who I accept myself to be, which is what is it: self-compromise.

So then it is the reason, the justification, the very excuse is who I actually am as manifested consequence - but more - what I physically participate within and also accepting and allowing within this Earthly physical existence - is also who I actually am. Might sound as exaggeration but if I really want to take responsibility for all I was, I am or I ever can be(come) - this is what I have to stand up to.

So giving up all of my life for something sounds self-deception, because how I could give up what I do not actually have, which is apparently called 'my life' - when I have actually, certainly no power to stop my death. I can postpone, I can slip through here and there, but eventually I am going to die. Of course, this does not mean to become reckless, irresponsible, or self- and life-abusive, just to have an aware reference point not get possessed by the idea of fear of death too much to the point of resistances and self-compromises.

So this is also a cool motivation for the really sane human - there is no emotion, fear, of any negative association - nor also a positive reaction of I am still here today - these would mean I am giving a meaning, a purpose for who and what and why I am here and by that I would exist with that point within a conditioned relationship in my mind but as it is of conditions, so beyond that it is the actual liberty of self-realization that who I am is here - always here unconditionally.

Might sound a bit philosophical, but literally this is easy: I am all what is here.

With this starting point I take responsibility for all what is here - starting with me, who I accept myself to be - in my mind, from which I perceive norms, limits, this certainly can be questioned, challenged, understood and eventually transcended, meaning I am not accepting anything less than who I can be within expression, living, actual physical participation with which I am influencing my reality.

Realizing the current conscience, awareness and actual power I currently can direct - this encompasses my mind, my body at first, then what I actually can do within this human system with my mind, body, words.

Many people try to find a meaningful purpose, a compass to live by, an interest - but the simplest yet greatest perspective, starting point and thus responsibility simply must be what one can incorporate, embrace, including ALL.

This certainly can and will fuck the ego-mind-consciousness if one can take it seriously: What is best for all - in theory, in practice - even to figure out one has to be stepped out of the hypnotic trance of self-interest, it's justification of fear of loss to stand naked in front of self, existence, as equal as one as a whole yet still an individual expression of life.

So this is actually cool - if I only care about myself or about a certain part, a group of existence, then I am neglecting, I am disregarding, I am actually separating myself from all I could stand up to in terms of responsibility, awareness and actual self-and thus: life-realization.

So waking up as a purpose, every day, to realize - who I am today is all I've got, and I will not get any better than this.

Everybody dies, that's quite certain, and everybody will take responsibility for what they perceive themselves to be - so it's also cool - everybody can be as much, as great, as powerful as they want, but that comes with responsibility - this is the ultimate question: what is my interest? Only Self or others as well? What it means to take responsibility for all?
With this as a moral compass, as a point of integrity, responsibility - we can apply not only common sense but also a more simplification of priority about what is really important, I mean one can be nervous when dating with someone at first or even disappointed about not getting awesome service at the restaurant while many are living in hell on earth - one can start asking that "is my fucking instability, self-centered whining, egoistic, mind-parasite sex-drug-party-craving the best for all, really?" One can let the point of integrity go with an excuse of a simple fall or self-dishonesty accepted, while to realize that we all each can accumulate towards what is best for not only ourselves, but also to include all and if we can't, it might mean we are too stuck within our mind to see the reality, which can be investigated, understood step by step with the decision to be made every day, because one can admit or not - we can all die at any place in any time. And of course not to get stuck in that as something to be feared from, but as I mentioned before: a grownup, sane person can realize facts. Everyone wants to be handled good, so to manifest that, we just have to give that to receive the same...
Many can say easily, to live in the moment, go with the flow, but to be able to live shameless, as innocent without ignorance only can be realized if one has no shame and regret at all - to be able to look into anyone's eyes and not to say 'I am sorry' - but to be able to stand like that - 'this is who I am, I do all I can do', which is not an excuse, but a starting point in each moment to push beyond resistances and limitations because we should not accept to be anything less than who we really are as life as all as equal as one.

It is not that difficult to consider what is best for all - here is something to read about that:

This may sound complicated and 'philosophical', but it's really not.

What's an example of a starting point that is not best for all?

• http://www.matterfreeman.com/2015/06/day-300-whats-your-purpose-in-this-life.html

[JTL Day 212] 1. Realising and living my utmost potential

This is part of the Principles list I am committing myself to stand for. By writing what I accept and what not - I am writing my own screenplay so to speak and see who I am within starting point, writing and practical application, what still requires understanding, re-alignment and practical change.

To change oneself until not reaching our utmost potential should not be difficult - yet how the human mind and body has been 'evolved' into who we are today - we certainly can see that to change our personalities, behaviors, perceptions, reactions can be quite difficult and even almost impossible but with the right motivation, self-will and self-supporting tools - anyone can accumulate into real, practical change.

Already the reaction for one when challenged to change can be revealing - and regardless of the current world system how unequal, harsh and profit-oriented, abusive and sad can be - we all are demanding for change but never considering to actually change what is the closest: SELF HERE.
So these principles are guidelines, reflection-points on who I accept myself to be.

I have been facing a relevant point within my life which with/through I've allowed myself to become directed by as I've reacted to it within the starting point of fear.
This relationship I've developed in regarding to the word and it's meaning: PERFECTION has been proven to be in fact limiting within my expression.
Within my last post here I was writing about this concluding it how I've misunderstood 'perfection'.

I've allowed myself to be possessed with the ideas, dreams, imaginations, visions of what it means something to be perfect, in my mind it 'FEELS' intense and clear, however within actual, PRACTICAL APPLICATION, it is not supporting at all, because what happens is that first I react within my mind with emotion, thoughts and then becoming distracted with it's energy and within that rather focusing to the IDEA of perfection instead of what I actually do, so what I do becomes a subject in my mind, separated from my beingness, which then prevents to express and stand as an equal and one relationship with what I do and thus unable to PERFECT my real, physical application.

The subject can be anything - relationship, art, housekeeping, photography, programming - and within it in fact it is myself I constantly end up judging as imperfect which then obviously never can be good enough.

When I was at the Desteni farm in 2010, Bernard and Sunette opened up this point for me quite directly as there were interviews explaining the difference between the Matrix of Perfection and Self-perfection wherein the first is the system, the consciousness, the pre-programmed, automatized, limited expression of Perfection with the starting point of fear in opposition with the principle of Self-perfection, which means that within this limited world system, in this limited human physical body we still can be able to express our utmost potential, which would really mean Self-perfection.

We always perfect something, our body at the gym, our fabrication of tools, creating systems, food, cars etc but never ever considering the possibility to directly perfect ourselves. We don't even know what it would mean, right? What is in fact self anyway?
To know self means to be able to understand and within that to be able to change!

Especially with the infectious agendas of the New Age, which tries to neutralize the importance of SELF by mystifying or virtually identifying the idea of SELF with EGO which then being judged as not real, irrelevant, while within our so called 'culture' praising and idolizing the justification of individualism by defining it as a separation from all what is here, including others.

So what would mean to reach our utmost potential to me is to not be limited by energy, meaning not a single thought, feeling, emotion to imbalance me from direct ability to see/decide/act based on a consistent and direct, equal and one-based relationship with myself, all parts of myself and my surroundings.
This seems like an overwhelmingly difficult task, but only because not have been explored, only by the ideas of the mind, based on one's interest, tainted with self-definitions, judgements, memories, personality rules, characters layered upon within ourselves so profoundly that we can not directly see/understand/realize what we experience and based on that why we do what we do.

Within the polarity of the mind there is always two-edge of everything, positive and negative and within this Perfection is also can be understood as a two-edged sword, wherein one can see imperfection and with practical common sense it can become an asset, a tool, a cross-reference for not remaining stuck within the IDEA of perfection and then the JUDGEMENT of imperfection but to be able to reflect that back into oneself and real, physical, tangible action.

This means to actually letting go the judgement, the reaction of not good enough, to stop the energetic reaction with it, to let go it's starting point, why I react with this 'not cool' experience, emotion, which if I really look it it is FEAR.

It is a fear that if I ended up with this current state/creation/expression/experience and not being satisfied - then what if I'd remain so, what if there would be no time to fix it, to make it better, to become better etc.

This is kind of a point of practical success so to speak - because if it's not good enough, I re-assess, cross-reference, use common sense and apply what I have realized - but if I stop expressing by reacting with frustration, lack of satisfaction - I actually give up which then manifests my starting point what I wanted to avoid based on fear: imperfection.

So first of all to let go the fear of imperfection, fear of not being good enough, fear of failure, fear of not having enough time to finish, fear of being judged as imperfect to re-align myself to stand and express without fear.

The idea of perfection then also not practical - has been proven already - especially with the fact that how I've defined and created myself around it was based on fear, thus in reality - can not be trusted and labeled as PERFECTION.

Regardless of any holding onto any ideas as oneself has been formed relationship with to be defined - all must let go to stand naked so to speak within oneself and that is actually requires for Self-trust - without definitions to stand, without conditions to express, without judgements to trust: self here.

It's always on practicality - nothing mystical - for instance if I face instability - what makes me stable - at least what with I define and condition my perceived stability and how I compromise it - and within that how I focus on reaction and worry and prevention of instability, instead of accumulating actual stability. Which might start on decomposing, writing down, forgiving and stopping reasons and definitions, judgements and reactions on what makes me unstable.

The mind is a very serious thing and within it one can entirely self-define based on non-facts, for instance if I want to avoid conflict and ensuring to avoid those all the time, because my stability is depending on it - then from a moment of decision to practical solution - it's maybe not to avoid conflict but to prevent to create in the first place. And then realizing external conflict is caused by internal conflict and then to stop that - to stop inner friction and develop absolute self-trust, self-honesty, self-direction - this is practical self-perfection which supports oneself to be able to realize and express our utmost potential.

And we can never know what is in fact our potential until we have investigated, pushed and practically transcended all the limitations of ourselves, which is not really the body, but first of all the mind - as there is enough a single doubt, a judgement, a tiny excuse for one to stop digging, pushing, stopping, changing.

So within this - to reach my utmost potential is not something I can have reason for why changing myself for it - because I have to change who I am today for reaching my utmost potential, that's already obvious, because I can apply self-reflection on in fact being able to see when I compromise myself from within based on any fear or desire, attachment.

And by living on planet earth - it is common sense to become practical, physical, because that is the most consistent, real we can have to 'work with' on reaching our utmost potential. This means that seeing through and facing from the current human system, the actual environmental, nature, ecosystem too, considering my own human physical body, considering other humans as well, the animals, plants, weather and simply work what is here.
It can be seem quite limited, especially with the greatest fuckup existence could being ended up with, is the consequence of self-separation and limitation based on money - but this is who we are today, this is what for we take responsibility and apply ourselves unconditionally without any separation.

One can give up easily within this manifested consequence we allowed to compromise ourselves with called consciousness wherein energy seems to be more than substance, experience seems more important than facts and the mind seems more relevant than life but this is the self-dishonesty we've defined ourselves equal and one with and there is nothing in this existence what can save us from ourselves so we just learn to move ourselves one by one until all are able to take responsibility not only for oneself but for all existence because that is where reaching our utmost potential can start to be expressed.

Who knows who each of ourselves can actually become and what can do - seeing human history, there were - and are - individuals who can show remarkable performance, achievement or efficiency within wide areas of practical application such as science, art, politics etc but did they reach their utmost potential? I am not sure - and my responsibility starts with my potential to nurture and birth myself as real life, which is unlimited, un-compromised from within, not tainted by fear or doubt, not separated desire or distracted by energetic reactions.

One must realize that being able to stop the influence and control of thoughts, feelings and emotions leads to a more direct and effective, practical and physical self-expression, which absolutely not mean to become a sense-less, materialistic or zombie/robot-like being - as in fact we can become one and equal with words directly - to be the LIVING WORDS - to have a starting point, to speak and to act the same. Then what we perceived before as 'important human emotion, such as anger' is self-dishonesty - and yet - one can still express similar but not based on energy, not by reacting to memory, definitions, fear - but express self as sound - as equal and one.

One can find many books on apparent 'masters' try to explain how to reach an other state of mind wherein we are not limited, it can be referred as 'holy spirit', 'enlightenment', 'zen', 'tao', 'flow', 'shaman' etc but within actually applying these with critical starting point, self-honest investigation - these are not really supporting within direct, actual, practical change. There are tons of explanations, support available at EQAFE, DESTENI sites, I was able to understand and let go these methods, ways, perceptions and it is absolutely clear what is the actual limitation, self-dishonesty within these and I am absolutely not saying I am superior or having judgements about the individuals who are still applying these practices, ways, tools - but if anyone is interested on understanding in extreme, practical details on how the human mind, body is related to existence, what are the most practical tools on using words and physical action in this world - there would be a significant mistake to miss these supports. If one would question the support, I suggest to listen a dozen of the free EQAFE interviews - currently I am listening Kryon series and I am understanding so much about human nature, how energy is programmed in the mind and this can be directly supportive within my life, my actual relationship, work, responsibility points.

Within investigating energy itself one can realize that there is nothing really self within it - only the self-accepted relationship imprinted into the physical beingness by consistent acceptance and allowance of layered pattern of knowledge and information and regardless of what kind of energy we embrace or reject - there is the same mechanism, which exists in separation in relation to it's source, the physical substance.
That's why all religious, spiritual, enlightenment, shamanic and other ways what are available in this human world system apparently for the betterment of self are always relying on one's relationship with energy and trying to distract from the source, which is here, the physical.
Only using and by that abusing the physical for experience which always ends with death - all what goes through is so insignificant that it does not really matter - exactly because there no substantiated matter, fact, real physical beingness.

And one can ask why is that, so many effort has been made to not realize our real power to reach the utmost potential, because if we would really take responsibility for this physical earth - we would be able to realize the priorities, the simple principle of give as you would like to receive to practically realize and manifest what is best for all. That is in a way already a potential we have never realized, expressed: to always act with every single act according to what is best for all. What could be more than that, especially if we have never been able to do so?

So to stand up for what is best for all becomes practical, obvious as one walks the process of genuine self-forgiveness yet it is not easy, because within each moment one have to push, birth oneself beyond the mind, the previously accepted 'home' of our perception of beingness and go, submerge, explore, become equal and one with actual physical substance through and as the human physical body, which means to face all what is accepted and allowed currently within ourselves, within this world to be able to stand and understand and stop and change. And it is not 'groovy' or 'hip' but it is something honorable and the way to reach our utmost potential.

Within this realization it is first to stop be defined, reacted to energetic experiences within, which is through applying Self-forgiveness on becoming aware and take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed and to be able to stop - and stop means not fight, resist, suppress but actually change our very core of beingness and really let go the patterns of self-dishonest relationship with energy, information, which is basically fear of loss, fear of change, fear of fear.

It is so ingrained within ourselves the acceptance of the perception by our thoughts, feelings emotions but with throughout introspective, self-honest, cross-referencing, common sense-based investigation these aspects of ourselves can be proven self-dishonest, indirect, separating expressions in comparison of direct, absolute self-expression - only people, who are extremely specific can even consider the reason on questioning oneself to the utmost - it is so easy to accept any kind of limited answer, solution and protect self-interest with excuses and justifications why one should accept self-limitation, but regardless of the apparent insanity of giving away our own values we defined as self but beyond that there is a gift of real sanity of finding oneself and a purpose of not only about self-perfection but to actually give as would like to receive and that is the best for all period.

So back to practical application - there are words to what I've defined myself reacting to quite intensely according to the programming of my personality which was because by this I've defined the way to reach my utmost potential and in fact these definitions have been proven as not supporting - and not these words are flawed, but as I've separated myself from directly being able to express these words as direct expression without the energy of the mind and never considering the possibility to re-define these words according to supporting me and all others equally within an equal and one relationship.

Perfection, Movement, Trust, Direction, Breath, Physical, Power - I could continue with more words but these are just doors to open to recognize, understand and stop patterns of fear - because why else we would have self-limitation to accept than fear? Who would not want to be fully, absolutely oneself?
Who would refer to self as currently is by accepting and being owned by fear? We can blame parents, government, money, but if we really look at it - it is always starts and ends up with and as SELF. There is support and once we stop reacting with fear, there is common sense, there is practical solution, just to let go energy, the delusion of that we need emotions to rule/ruin our decisions - we can express words directly without emotion, but then we would end up questioning our definitions, our values and we would realize there is self-interest only - and if we compass our living based on that meanwhile compromising all life with neglect, abuse - then we are just as responsible with the actual acceptance and allowance as all others equally.
One must find a way to deal with one's perception to purify, to let go the justification of why it is alright for one BILLION humans to live in extreme poverty while in fact we would never want to have that for ourselves, we would never wish the same from them and in fact we might even would blame for them if they were me while we were in the abused situation on not standing up unconditionally for a dignified living. And it requires engaging current systems, even on economic, political level - what is the reason not to go there? Is it the law limiting me or me limiting myself not to understand, embrace and accumulate action what requires for real change. Education, Media, Politics, living as an example, sharing - these can be practical points - if I do not apply it based on a perception, I am responsible for my perception and the actual consequence too.

So if I sit here, fully clothed, having food, shelter, health care and considering my fullest, utmost potential - it is to give to all what I have at least - and within that I can see - how limited I am, how limited the whole human system, the monetary, law, economic systems are - and I could go into blame and separation of - them and me - and I am just like a little fish - but if we see - there are human individuals within those systems, groups, interests - they are using ways to accumulate direction and power to be able to do what they do and even some thing that they do their best for the betterment of humanity but then also comes the question of what I accept as my limit?
There can be also challenge - to find practical ways to change the system - is that off-limit? What is the perception behind that limit? Why? A newborn child has no limits in her/his mind - just explores - and then learns and studies, experiences and suddenly there is limitation.
So then to decompose what is actual limitation - the physical? The body? It has it's own limits, sure, but how human body has it's physical should determine how we create economic, poverty, war? The 'human nature' can also be an excuse - but the greatest secret to power is that we can change.
Once we accept limits, falls, mistakes as who we are, we are like determined to identify ourselves with what we did, what consequences we manifested, but still - self can change. And to find the decision, the will, the power, the trust in self to change is something what only SELF can GIVE for SELF - by letting go with understanding and taking responsibility.

Within forgiving, letting go, committing to let go all definitions that I've allowed automatically to come up and react to and actually re-defining how to express, apply myself according to the principles of what is best for all I am the LIVING WORDS.

There is no such thing as forgiving others, asking anything or anyone 'for' forgiveness, but it works as I - for - give as would like to receive - same principle within practical application by actually exploring the thought-patterns, the emotions programmed into our mind, body, beingness by and as WORDS.

Any spiritual-new-age or religious agenda pronouncing on universal sounds, syllables, words for self-support does not really support oneself, because if we look within ourselves with real self-honesty, the words can come up what we actually are - the exact specific thinking pattern we have to face, understand, forgive, not just hope within some energetic vibration on universal 'words', like 'OM' - those are false paths for self-realization - those are merely just for self-stimulation, accumulating energetic experiences with one can -maximum- patch oneself for a while to behave one's mind. Here is a discussion on meditation.

I've been working with the mind quite some time and with Desteni I am grasping real, unconditional confidence when facing the mind, because 'practicing' spiritual agendas', playing around with the mind, meditating on ideas and quieting, equalizing my mind is one thing but to actually, absolutely understand and 'own' and direct my mind, there is no other way than the process of Self-forgiveness - I could say that I am sorry, but actually not - anyone resisting self-forgiveness will face oneself anyway - just won't have the right tools, practical experience, accumulated self-awareness, self-direction to really stop self-limitations and I guess it's alright if one accepts so - I can only walk it for myself and the best practical way is to live as an example from energetic Consciousness to Life awareness.

Because Life only can be one and equal with and all - and to miss that opportunity see, live, express it as ourselves, to give what I've given by stopping myself before reaching my utmost potential is certainly not me. Thank you very much.

(The images are just for expression, to direct the flow of all of these words, I find more approachable if there is an image once in a while - and are also my expression - snapshots from where I live)

[JTL Day 183] 4. Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application

A review/overview/plan for this blog and my process of self-realization.

Within my last post, I've shared my declaration of principle:
http://talamon.blogspot.com/2014/05/jtl-day-182-desteni-of-living-my.html

I will be taking each points written in that declaration of how I have lived or going to live as the law of my being as principle of living who I am and who I am going to be.

I continue with the Journey to Life blogging with my personal/interpersonal/universal process of self-correction while adding writings about each point of this declaration of principle as who I am, starting with points what I have lived and living already - and those points do not exist within hierarchy or order but equal aspects of my principled living.

4. Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the action of realising I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others

TRANSGRESSIONS

What I walk first is also this very blog is one of the points of this practical walk of Self Purification.
Within realizing that there are patterns within my beingness, expression which are not the best possible of who I could be, I take responsibility to for what I have manifested myself to be and become and within that understanding the creation I've accumulated consequences to end up being who I experience myself to be and within that realizing that the same way I have 'done' myself: I can 'undone', meaning accumulating understanding and stopping, re-definition and commitment, active participation: in fact I can change.

This is one of the most important points what we all should realize that self-willed individuals, human beings and thus human nature can change. And if human nature can change - the future of mankind can change.

I find very often facing within discussions the reason to accept self-limitation that 'this is human nature' which with I humbly disagree.
I have seen many patterns within myself which I've found extremely frustrating - so overwhelmingly limiting that I just could not accept myself being that way.
Even a really bugging point within me, what I can not 'unsee', if it takes years to change, I'd rather head on and work on that change, instead of for the rest of my life see it constantly as self-acceptance with the acknowledge that I have never ever really-really tried to change, just given up on that aspect of myself.
And as more and more points I accept within me as it is, it accumulates and one day I realize I do not even see how many things I gave up on myself - yet I am still participating, reacting, apparently 'living' - but I can always remember, see, feel that I did not do all I could and for me this was always a shame - and that shame to accept was really a burden until I did not find the Process of Self-forgiveness.

Before even considering to change myself, I've came up with imagination, daydreaming, sort of escaping into fantasy worlds within my mind just to not need to be aware of how much I've accepted self-limitation with the point of 'this is who I am, this is how I react, this is how I act' and never questioning 'why' - and all I did was 'imagining and thinking about' acting differently but not yet daring to literally, physically explore these things to live out in reality.

There were many reasons for that, mostly fear of loss, fear of change, fear of fear - but this is not practical knowledge, it is just labeling it, useless knowledge, bullshit wisdom - for really become aware how I've created the limitations within my mind, I have to specify my understanding about how my mind, my behavior, reactions, personality, my very beingness really work in order to even see the possibility to change by understanding the small steps accumulated to this moment.

That was a phase wherein I've 'consciously' started to manipulate with energy. With energies in my mind I was able to stimulate my perception, my reactions, trigger points within me to react certain ways - mostly with overwhelming by obsessive thinking, self-abuse, self-hate, blame, suppression, emotional storms, 'wheeling up' so to speak to the degree of almost exploding and then forcing to move me towards a direction. Then this compound energetic experience took over in me and acted out to equalize itself before my extreme physical uncomfortability ending up my body fully malfunctioning.
In that moment of extreme frustration it seemed good to have a let go, to even start to move towards any direction and then defining myself as this dynamics: suppressing, judging, reacting, looping, overwhelming, compounding, releasing, feeling empty, defining.

I've abused myself with energies quite extensively - obsession, possession, FALL in love, drinking alcohol, drugs without any specific self-direction - my mind was literally blown away, many times and in fact constantly. And within that - I've lost myself completely within experiences to the degree of disregarding facts here, prioritizing feeling good more than anything else, justifying the inflated, superimposed self-interest towards a delusional process, an ascension from slavery of ignorant darkness to the master of consciousness as enlightenment. None of that supported me as none of that was real.

For some years that made me to perceive some sort of change - but I did not see that "I" did not really change, only more definitions I've created, the consciousness system evolved, upgraded, mutated within my mind, not me as my beingness.

It took quite some time to realize that I was not really liberating myself as I was overwhelmed with the intensity of experiences and the fractal-vortex-nature of the virtual infinity programmed into consciousness and defining myself according to those accumulated energetic experiences but one thing has never changed: lack of consistency, physical stability, power over matter/reality and I was always changing but not me directly, only by reaction to forces outside of my direction and thus being vulnerable and inferior to experiences and circumstances which was obviously not freedom, it was absolute self-dishonesty. Specifically no matter how much stuff I took, how many weeks I've meditated with the most deep states - my dishonesty points remained - addiction to energy, to sex, to alcohol, drugs, self-judgement, fear, which I barely could acknowledge with all those mesmerizing experiences within consciousness systems but when I've lost everything again and again and again, I've started my life from scratches, nothing actually I could accumulate what remained, only the fact that I still must seek, find, search, question.

CHANGE

After hitting rock bottom literally several times, more and more seriously approximating physical death, in those moments I've faced the fact I can let go - so then I've realized I literally have to let go all I've defined myself to be, even the so seriously taken to the most extreme energetic-spiritual striving for a better reborn. I've never stopped looking/searching and within that eventually I've found what I was always looking for: The Principle of Equality and Oneness and the Process of Self-forgiveness.

I've studied the Desteni material every day, which just emerged on the internet around 2007 and eventually I've started to apply Self-forgiveness, sharing in this very blog.
http://talamon.blogspot.com/2008/01/unification-of-men-is-here.html
This was my first post here in 2008 January and from that moment I walk what I talk:

Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the action of realizing I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others

Within published more than 500 blog posts I've had an outstanding journey to discover how to know myself and how to understand my own creation and within that becoming responsible to stop the patterns what are not supporting me or others.

I have realized that I create my own experiences within myself and with the very relationships I accept and participate within through words, I am shaping reality around me with others.

I have realized I can stop reacting to thoughts by understanding their dynamics, I can become intimate with myself by opening up to experiences and question and answer to myself and if not seeing through, applying Self-forgiveness for that specific self-limitation, to explore why I do not see who I am, why I am as I am and also applying Self-forgiveness for accepting myself to remain hidden from myself, to not allow myself to change myself.

Since started the Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application - I was able to let go many frustrations, fears, addictions, limitations and slowly but surely I learn to exist within actual inner quietness, clarity, unification.
No thoughts are becoming so overwhelming that I completely disregard what is here, I can be comfortable within and as my human physical body without boredom, without accumulating frustration, without undefinable fears what stimulate me into mood swings.

This is already a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge change - I can be calm, directive, present. I do not use alcohol/drugs to get high, I do not become getting low, yet I can have a passion for life, for standing up, for becoming more stable, consistent, expressive.

Thoughts, feelings, emotions are becoming less and less relevant, yet I understand more, I express more vividly, I can make myself quiet within when I want, I can go to sleep and say to myself: now, quiet, I sleep and then I sleep.
I can work with my limitations, I can learn, I can give myself into the moment here without overwhelming worry or fear and I can become intimate with myself and other without any mind-stimulant. I can stop patterns what are obviously taking me out/off from what is happening here and actually express myself as fearless, as self-trust.

I do not need any psychedelic anymore to feel connection with all what is here or to realize/understand/experience(as realized it was not real, only a momentary mind-melting) and I can actually focus to accumulate becoming more aware of how things really work here on earth, the really important systems what are relevant to direct our every day living as the monetary, law, political, educational, media and other world- and regional systems.
I can enjoy myself and others yet not becoming obsessed with self-interest or if seeing such a pattern emerging which I am unsure about 'is it really self-honest?' - I can use the Writing, Self-forgiveness, Self-correction to commit myself to practically, really stop - thus accumulate self-will, self-direction, self-trust.
Within writing I am more and more comfortable to word myself, my experiences, my plans, my point of views - and within that slowing my mind to the degree to be able to see it, see myself, to understand who I am, what is my starting point, what consequences I participate within and thus be able to question and if required commit myself to stop.

I do not need energy more than feeding my body with healthy food and water and give proper rest within shelter and I realize that I would like to give the same for others what I've got: proper education on how things really work, how I can change myself, actually have access to healthy living, food, shelter - so from that perspective I do not live in the clouds, I see that most of the humans are literally abused, endlessly suffering slaves and those who have money, internet, salary and education are the ones who can stand up for all and the system does not have love, only it is an accumulation and conglomerate of all participants here.
I have realized the mistakes I've made within my journey of spiritual practices which I see now as part of the system and flawed yet I do not judge, I do not fear from it, just for myself it is unacceptable within self-honesty to participate within these as directly seeing/realizing/understanding how specifically, measurably, mathematically and physically the Self-forgiveness is incomparably more direct, powerful, self-honest and effective.

These 'realizations' I should and I do actually acknowledge - yet I do not feel 'arrived'  - I am, we all are already here, just have to realize and take responsibility for it - as I was always here just I was mesmerized by my own mind consciousness within the delusion of 'free will'.
If free will would exist, then who is really choosing what is not best for all? Is that really freedom to not give what would like to receive?
Is that really freedom when due to deliberate choices manifested consequences will always return as equal as one as self? Is freedom could actually exist without equality?

I stopped the obsession with freedom - I can only be free from my own self-limitations and then realize that we are all within one common existence wherein consequences are always coming back equally for all.

There are so much things must be purified within myself which are still influencing, limiting me to prevent myself to walk Self-agreement and with an other and eventually to stand and live with all what is here within the consistent practical consideration of what is really best for all.

Also by walking this Self-purification I've came to the conclusion that the only really thing what matters is the physical here - it is a great con to be mesmerized with all the spiritual/religious and scientific theories of that the universe is illusion and atoms are of empty space mostly - even if we perceive so - where we are in our process within existence - the only thing remains is matter.

We are animated dust on earth and our life spirit is merely nothing, no more than an atomic breeze without an actual human physical body and also to really transcend we must first let go the mind, the consciousness to get into the physical to be one and equal with that - and then we will see - but until that we are really less than the physical here, currently the physical is god - whoever claims differently - should investigate and test it.
This is only me, I state it and I suggest it as with this starting point one can work with actual Self-realization - not with spiritual energies, ideas flying around in the mind but stick to Earth, grounded to use any realization to work with the human system, to actually see what abuse must be understood and stopped. And for that we must stand equal with all what is here and for that we must walk the purification from limitations, to stand as self-trust unwavering, undefined yet unlimited. This comes with accumulation, dedication, direction.

So this writing is that: to see where I came from, how I stand with the point and how I continue to gift myself with the more specific application of Self-forgiveness to never accept anything less than who I really am, which I did not yet seen though we all should not accept less than our utmost potential, which we not yet reached, this should be obvious now.

And for that I commit myself to walk this blog to support myself and others within the fact that the human can change with the right tool and principled living to become absolute self honest with self and all others equally.

[JTL 154] Patience Self-support from Practical Desteni

There is a series at the Practical Desteni blog which is the most profound self-support on the topic Patience-Impatience I've ever found.

I cannot encourage enough to read through it as these points have never been considered before.

It is part of the process of establishing consistency and self-trust within physical application and with these common sense points one can really become patient and the whole relationship to the physical reality/time versus inner mind-reactions/perceptions of time can be understood and practically apply within our reality.

The whole concept of our definitions and relationships to patience can be transcended to a new level from which we really can assist and support ourselves to become responsible in all areas of our living.

When I share Desteni blogs/articles I really mean that this kind of "profound understanding of how the human mind and physical reality works" I refer to - which I've never found within any spiritual or religious teachings -I've went through tons of those some years ago - those are vague/mystic and mostly out of context of practical reality. Even if some has some practical change reference - there is always a compromise, a belief, a faith which I was never comfortable with.

It is common sense that any spiritual/religious group which does not stand up for economic/political forces what direct our so called 'civilization', they will not change the course of humanity as avoiding the real problems here and only conspiring about personal interest of happiness instead of taking responsibility for the whole system as all as equal as one here in physical reality.

That is why I've left these groups - for me it was obvious they cannot support me for practical change from within to without what is required in this world to make it happen in a measurable, accumulative way in physical space/time. Also some are cool with thinking/sharing these '-ism' s but they do not actually LIVE that, or if they so - they just compromise with excuses and justifications why in fact do not 'have to' change - that is unacceptable within the starting point of Self-honesty.

Nor I want to judge or pish those foes referred as 'masters' but when one starts to study the massive Desteni Material on how the mind works can realize the profound and simplistic explanations of our reality what I am referring here.

So today I share this point: PRACTICAL DESTENI - as it is for practical living - I am still studying and applying the points I am reading from these articles and I am grateful and the least is tho re-share it as it is CRUCIAL to understand and transform our existing relationship to patience and impatience of the polarity of the mind to actual Self-support for perfecting our physical application within consistency without being directed by frictions existing within our mind.

This might seem a lot(more than 15) but these are not so long and day by day it is walkable and I guarantee - it can be a tremendous support for ones who struggle with impatience and not be able to consistently apply PATIENCE AS SELF.

"What one have to understand in relation to the Mind/Consciousness is that: it suppresses and disempowers our Self-Awareness and separates us from our own Physical Bodies and so our ability to in fact take responsibility for and direct ourselves and our own lives. One of the main methods the Mind/Consciousness use to disempower us within and without is Emotional and Feeling Energy, such as the energetic experiences of Patience and Impatience. What I will show within this post and posts to come is: with moving ‘beyond’ emotional/feeling reactions, such as Patience/Impatience and instead focus one’s Awareness on change and solutions – one will find ‘gifts’ within oneself and one’s living that will in fact CONTRIBUTE, assist and support oneself and one’s life/living experience. With such ‘gifts’ being Self and Living Expressions that will ground oneself in the Mind and the Body to become the directive principle and responsibility within who one is and how one live."

 ...

"Now, there are two different realities at play here: the Mind Reality and the Physical Reality. The Mind Reality moves in ‘quantum time’ and the Physical Reality moves in space and time. The Mind Reality ‘quantum time movement’ is measured by energy and the Physical Reality space-time movement is measured by breath. Dependent on how much energy (emotions/feelings) you access/generate – depends on how fast / slow the Mind will move. Dependent on how slow / fast you breathe – depends on how slow / fast the general condition of the body moves. One can essentially liken the Mind’s movement as a lightning storm in the head-region of human beings and the Physical Body’s movement as a river-movement within itself and also within physical reality. So, one can imagine how the Lightning Storm of the Mind can ‘unsettle the waters’ in the Physical Body / this Physical Reality – which is what we do to ourselves most of the time, because our Awareness is participating / possessed in/as the Lightning Storm of the Mind instead of moving with and as the rivers of/as Physical space-time movement in physical reality."

This was just some of my favorite parts which assists me but here I've listed the whole series(and it might be continued):

1. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/10/who-i-am-as-patience.html 
2. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/10/who-i-am-as-patience-part-two.html 
3. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/10/patience-and-time-part-1.html 
4. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/10/patience-and-time-part-2.html 
5. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/10/sequence-of-events-vs-time.html 
6. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/10/sequence-of-events-vs-time-part-2.html 
7. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/10/sequence-of-events-vs-time-part-3.html 
8. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/11/from-fighting-time-to-walking-with-time.html 
9. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/11/from-fighting-time-to-walking-with-time_13.html 
10. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/11/transforming-emotional-reactions-to.html 
11. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/11/patience-as-selfliving-expression.html 
12. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/12/patience-as-selfliving-expression-part.html 
13. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/12/patience-as-selfliving-expression-part_21.html 
14. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/12/quantum-time-and-physical-space-time.html 
15. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2014/01/quantum-time-and-physical-space-time.html 
16. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2014/01/quantum-time-and-physical-space-time_31.html

Another great posts by Practical Desteni:

• 2012: Directions for Ascension – How to know you’re Ascending into the right Direction 
• Thought-Designs – Part 1 (Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 are there as well!) 
• Do It. Be it. Live it. 
• Why do we take things Personally?

Free Online Course for introduction of Desteni Self-support tools with one can start investigating what parts of self is really self and what not and how to practically assist and support oneself to really change:

• http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

[JTL 140] Stopping gaming addiction support part 1

Just like last week I was in a Desteni I Process live hangout; this time on the topic of Gaming addiction.

I expand a rant here about the points what did not fit in the 30 minutes talk.

What I actually experience

It is like an extended mind-like experience wherein it is sort of virtual stimulation without apparent and direct consequence and I can always go back and load and try out things differently and I am in control.

I do not have to deal with reality and things like irreversible consequences but what we do not realize that acceptance in this world is accumulating as well, not just the actions we do.

So as we accept our reality, the world system, the economic inequalities, the abuse, the brainwashing continues day by day - it obviously will effect us - not only ourselves personally but everybody around as we breathe the same air, drink from the same water, eat the food coming from the same earth.

When the politicians and their groups decide the risk of building and operating a nuclear plant - if that fails - the whole country will face the serious consequences, in fact the whole planet will do.

And as those who 'do not care', are 'unaware', 'can not do anything' - they are still in the same boat.

Particularly I do not have anything problematic with computer gaming at all - it is quite fascinating -as I have spent already decades to study/learn about programming and gaming: I know the scene - but when healthy, smart, capable grownups spend most of their available time with gaming only - it is as escapism from all what is physically here and busy accumulating and that is problem. Nothing personal exists within this here - anything what does not support the principle of What is Best for All must be investigated, understood and practically stopped. Most of the people say they can not grasp really what would be the best for all and for that proper education is required, being able to step beyond our personal views/interest to see FACTS but it is possible.
Gaming is alright for some entertainment and fun but to become obsessed with can and actually do escalate into neglect of what is here, which is not that nice if we see the amount of abuse exists in this world.

That is the most relevant point what I wanted to share here - that there are more important things to do - and there are more ethical, more common sensical, more sober, more responsible things are to actually investigate, understand and change than ALL THE TIME exploring virtual realities and riding on these stimulated experiences to deny what is here.

It is relevant not only about computer gamers - sport fan(atics), excessive party/drinking/drugging, TV Series addicts, Religious/Spiritual obsessive compulsions(Love and light and mantra and enlightenment self-induced stimulations) and many-many more - which one can justify that it is what seems right to do all the time while not realizing that the directive principle here in this reality is intensifying by the day, which is the capitalistic money system, the media, banking, military operations - that is the most powerful force currently and it can not be taken lightly and if one is disregarding what is here then two might disregard and the accumulation exceeds quickly as 1+1=2 and there are those who direct this thing, already proven without any compassion, without any regard for life, for future, for all living organism by justifying that "it is possible to do it so I can do it and I do it and in fact - no one stops it" - so they continue until the last real life value is destroyed, abused, capitalized.

We can see this tendency in big multinational corporations - the secret director board in the background month by month is just demanding more percentage of revenue while they do not care about the consequences - they feel they can buy of themselves(and their own families) out from the consequences - just look at oil companies, the spills, the fracking, the explosions, the military atrocities - it is beyond any sense of life - if somebody does not see it, should consider the fact that being lost - any sense of what is real life, what to stand up for and what are the real values and should start investigating, re-mediating, changing to embrace the horrible fact that as if we continue like this - in decades even humans can become endangered species, not just lions, tigers, elephants, pandas etc.

Also to travel around the world, even countries where most of the people lack of sanitation, healthy food and proper education - they are really suffering and then if we are capable of just go home and play all day long with computer games then one should feel that something is off, something is bugging here. All of the mainstream media is impulsing that this is justifiable, it is encouraged to to feel good and not realizing the price what others pay for it.

And it does not end with feeling sad about eating chocolate because mostly child slaves pick up the cacao on the fields for that - as the "feeling sad" is also a justification - as it does not change a damn thing, only people stop considering these facts after a while as becoming overwhelmed with sadness of the facts, so then it feels compulsory to do something what feels good, for instance gaming.

As within this blog post Maite shares how to make a decision within self honesty - we all should face our habits and repetitive actions that "Is that really the best that we can do for our life, for our future, for all's life, for all's future?"

So my most relevant point to stop computer gaming obsession is to consider the consequences of disregarding anything else because of automatically justifiable self-interest.

This point as I consider assists me greatly to not lose myself within computer gaming.

I continue by stating: playing, gaming itself is not bad, it is just when one disregards anything else and being obsessed with the game - there is a reason for that - I can easily speak of my own life experiences as the difficulties, the current life what I walk: I did not realize that I judged my life as negative, grow a desire to avoid to face/experience reality as it is, so a resistance I have built to deal with my life's all aspects with occupying myself with stimulation as much as possible so then this resistance I live out in the form of being obsessed with do things what I have defined as feels good so within that experience I am too busy to see what I have became and I got so used to it that I did not realize I have developed an automatized personality of having the tendency to not face real life (personal, interpersonal, universal) issues and rather than just focus to how to experience the way I defined myself as feeling good, excited, stimulated.

Another aspect is that most computer games are made for money, especially the big, famous ones by big corporations - just look how EA, Activision, Sony really handle their workers: the same as the typical capitalism really exists.

Most gamers know that by following gaming news, often comes something ugly out to the public about the development jobs/hiring/firing/lies.

I just did a random search about gaming industry truth and found these below:

• http://truthofgaming.blogspot.com
• http://www.gamasutra.com/blogs/KalebAylsworth/20130712/196187/The_Problem_With_Gaming_Isnt_Developers_Salaries_But_Malicious_Journalism_Doesnt_Help.php
• http://www.cjc-online.ca/index.php/journal/article/view/1771/1893
• http://www.polycount.com/forum/showthread.php?t=87147
• http://www.ign.com/blogs/siskoblue/2011/07/27/the-gaming-industry-the-whole-shtty-truth
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGar7KC6Wiw&feature=channel_video_title
• http://claudiasutton.blogspot.hu/2011/10/robots-speak-truth-about-video-game.html
• http://www.cinemablend.com/games/Top-Misconceptions-About-Gaming-Industry-40569.html

After doing some research - video game industry is there only for profit, revenue - of course there are great ideas but the ones who are leading/profiting the most from this scene are famous by handling professionals/artists just like cogs...

Just like with out latest handheld gadgets: mostly slaves make them while CEOs are profiting their ass off. Of course it is not true for ALL games - it is just there as well.

Especially with the latest tablet/store gaming rush where exists huge profit as well - the game makers do anything to hook on the kids for make parents pay for one more game and kids are really vulnerable to become obsessed with games while real life/real social activities/play OUTSIDE is less and less relevant within the middle class and we adults do not make the kids more easy to integrate into the world system as kids can see that there is greed/stupidity/abuse/lies all around the world where they do not want to go, rather than just play nice and stimulating games all the time until they can...

Finally I share my examples of what I have found myself escaping from reality into computer gaming - and I repeat - gaming can be fun - an entertainment, a self-discovery, even educational - but when one just can not stop when real life priorities kick in - then it is a problem.

For me mostly what stops me expressing myself within REALITY is an inherent fear from expressing myself, to be myself, to stand out and do what I want - I allowed the tendency to fear from consequences, fear of rejection, fear of making mistakes, fear from being exposed of what I have done what I have judged as failure - and not realizing that part of the solution is to directly face these points within me and walk through/let go/physically stand with the starting point of not participating.

Also the inflation of values of computer game graphics/sound - as if the game looks almost real/gorgeous/immense/high quality - I defined as it is more 'good' therefore defining as self-value when playing with these.

An other point I see the inherent desire to try out/play with the best latest games, especially within the topics of what I have defined I love to play - some of the first/third person shooters, real time strategy/role playing games - mostly the action games.

Okay so many points I have shared here, I walk Self-forgiveness in the next post, thank you very much, in the meantime I suggest to listen the audio interviews of Gamer Death series at EQAFE:

Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

For addiction and self-realization support, visit:

http://forum.desteni.org

For Self-support, Self-direction, Self-remediation FREE online course which is unique, effective and challenging with seasoned, experienced, stable buddy support:

DESTENI I PROCESS LITE

Exposed: My story about women: Desires, Fears, Self-dishonesties what I STOP

My partner started to reflect back how I behave especially with women.
I write about the points what so far we've been facing.
She told me that my attitude is that I try to use each and every single opportunity to please and touch and influence women to create sexual context.
My point of view is that this is ridiculously exaggerated - and at first times she started to share with me how she experiences this - I was rejective, I reacted with neglect and even with verbal aggression.

After a few times we played this out - as somehow some specific woman tend to prefer to spend time with me wherein sharing some intimate experiences, point of views, opinions, memories etc - and indeed I've discovered some self-dishonesty points within my application. I will mark some points with a (!) what obviously I see as a point of self-compromise based on memory/fear.

My partner, S. also told me that I still can not release my first girlfriend('wife') in mind, who with I was with about almost 7-8 years ago(at least on paper we married and after about 4 years spent together - we split and divorced).
As we ended that relationship - we had issues with each other but after a while - and after 2007 as I've started Self-forgiveness, I've faced her and we met regularly until I was not satisfied with my inner reactions towards her(!).

So she me that with my first girlfriend I am still attached to and the proof is that when recently she just came back from abroad, I met with her quite soon.

So - I will write about my experiences and memories regarding to women as well and how I deceived myself with this point - how I behave with women and when and how and why I do compromise my consistence within remaining Self-honest by desires and fears.

Sometimes within this document - I write about points not directly related to 'women' - about for instance drugs, spirituality - these will make the 'story' longer but I will still remain within this 'context'.

After hearing of I am obsessed with women - the first Self-definition point what I see within me is the following:
Before I came together with my first 'real' relationship('girlfriend', 'wife', we lived together) - she rejected me for almost a year - and I did cry a LOT when my approach to come together with her obviously failed - the cry occured last time - and in that point I felt so much hurt within myself - because all my starting point was of her - and I threw away everything else as starting point and when she said that she does not neeed me - I was nothing, I was of zero, I was walking dead. And within that cry I've decided not to suffer from women anymore. Literally, it was a principle what I clearly wanted to lay down within my existence that 'because of women, I will not suffer again' - that was the last time when I did cry, about in 1999-2000. Crying as for instance mostly women and children do(! lolol) with great ease - somehow that is off.
Then she went to the US for a time and I went into depression. I started to drink heavily, punkrock concerts, stagediving, self-destruction, touching alcoholism(when reached the point of after 2-3 bottles of wine I still felt 'sober' - I've changed to short drinks for instance gin, some bitter shorts etc). Okay this was a process to reach this point but meanwhile there was an other event - what I already wrote in a blog post in about 2007 - when I was extremely sick and I had almost 42c fever for days and I almost died and I had an experience of out of body while perceiving my body and others being busy to bring down my body temperature in order to not letting me fade away. So there was this girl who was nestling me literally unconditionally, like mother or sister, Erika, she really assisted me without a blink. After deciding to remain in this world, I became better and I started to release my depression because of my unresponsed love.

Meanwhile still walking down on the hill of alcoholism, I was with a young girl who I knew from MUD(telnet-based text-multi-player roleplay game) and we married in the game then we met and we did drink alcohol and then we did sex.
I was so enthusiastic about here is a real girl who I can do sex with - I remember at the kitchen of the dormitory I was trying to lick her pussy but somehow the taste of her body was so intense, so 'raw' - that I almost did vomit - but by the strong want to have sex, I could overcome even the smell of her body what I never really liked. Not that she was stinky, but somehow that was I guess, not my 'taste' - yet mentally I was able to override this within me, so we came together. But she was 17, virgin, sometimes literally hysteric, so it was not really 'boring'. After a while we learnt how to do sex, we did it in secret from her family, but honestly - the sex thing was what pulled me into this - and yes, the other point was she adored me.

We agreed on that if one of us would not 'love' the other anymore, then we must end our relationship. But as 'love' as I 'had' that who I did cry for before - I never had - in fact I never wanted again, so it was ok, but in a way I never really 'loved' her. She was in some sort of religious high-school from me about 200 Km, she was in this black metal, black clothes thing while she hated religion and priests - and I found myself in 'distance-relationship' - we met about 2-3 days in 2 weeks for about 8 months. At the end I guess I got bored and I started to enjoy that her older sister started to show up her interest to me and my girlfriend had these jealousy frenzies what we enjoyed with her sister - but nothing happened.
In one day, I told to my girlfriend that I do not love her anymore, we should end it right now - then she was crying for long hours and I did regret that I said that, even I could be with her again if I could undo that - but there was no way back.

After that, my big love who I cried for the last time came back from US and told me that she realized, she wants me, and I was really surprised and we came together. I did not believe in her for months, I was waiting for the moment in fear when she would say that this was just an other psychological test(her 'profession'). But she wanted me so much, so it was then officially a relationship.
In a way that's why I do not take any of my 'interest' within woman seriously unless it's constant for months.(!)

So, when I was in this relationship some years ago - with my first 'love' - I never could imagine other woman with me than her - in that time I never 'felt', I never wanted to 'have' other women - however I've spent quite time with other girls at the University - many times I did drink with them, even sometimes we slept in the same bed - but I never consciously thought even the possibility to 'cheat' my partner in that time - about in 2000. I was even proud of that, that I am 'straight' in that and I liked myself for that - After about two years - there was one specific girl, who I mentioned that assisted me when I was sick, Erica - who was always very kind with me and in fact that my 'girlfriend' reacted towards her with extreme jealousy - because somehow I always referred to her as my beloved sister and my girlfried hated that - but with Erika nothing has happened really except I had this unconscious attraction towards her what I never felt to need physically experience - I really felt like she was my second 'sister'.

There were issues when she was also pulled into situations of sexual temptations - and I was jealous like hell - and with alcohol - I was really fucked up in that time - one day I remember I was literally heading the brick wall really strong to get rid of the extreme mental and emotional pain of jealousy. And it was clear that my girlfriend liked me to manipulate me with the point of other men, for instance with the ones with big muscles - as I am a thin guy - and I was enormously frustrated and developed a resonant jealousy and hate within me towards men with muscles - what years later I could release only.
My roommates from the dorm never really liked my girlfriend as they always said that she was fucking my brain but I always told them 'you never could understand this'. She was not evil, she was just screwed up by definition coming from a deeply religious family wherein she was the 'black-sheep' within the family because she did not live literally like a nun.

Many scars we gathered together what we never could directly face or discuss, not even stop - in a way, I perceived that like somehow 'I am living faster than the people around me' - I was living with my girlfriend in an apartment and I felt like I am married since 30 years - and it was really heavy. She really assisted me in a way - financially, phychologically etc... I remember before we met - I barely could speak with women - I was afraid to even look into the eye of a woman without having my face being red - and I could not directly speak. That's why alcohol she gave me to be able to speak with me. I could write a full-blown book only about that 4 years of university, but here I bring up one more important point and then I will focus onto the 'women and relationship' again:
One day she gave me a book "A rainbow of consciousness" by Feldmár Andrew.
It was about rebirth, how we are fucked by our parents, family and how with LSD, DMT we could re-experience the moment of innocence and emptyness and by pushing ourselves through birthing again - we can start over. Or at least for me this was the message and I've read that book 3 times. But in that time I never considered drugs. But that was one point what took me and my mind absorbed it without much notice. Within my relationship we did less sex already, we built up a distance between us, I did not liked that there were places within 'her life' where she never allowed me to go - for instance her drawer she hated when I even opened that and I felt like I am abused by being with her but not sharing everything unconditionally. Of course I did not need her panties, but it was a symbol - and then I screwed with her simply opening her drawer and poking her stuff and singing 'lalalalalalala' while enjoying her screaming like hell. We knew that we screwed up our 'big love' but we could not help, we wanted to end yet we did not wanted to end.

After some years, when I've finished university - I've moved to Budapest and in that time I've started to 'experiment' the so called psyhedelic drugs. For that time our relationship was already in severe trouble as we did not live together anymore(she remained in Debrecen city for a year more to finish University) and we did not speak frankly+directly and we allowed our feelings and emotions to direct us, so the end was in a way inevitable. However we married on paper for her 'green card' - and we lived together at several places. But it did not work really so we finally split.

After that - I did not even wonder about women for a while because I built up an other relationship with LSD, with mushroom, with hash etc... In a way, the stuffs blew my mind but somehow I persuaded myself that it's like with computers - I am directing, and there is absent of this social context wherein I was always lost since childhood.
With my girlfriend, our relationship was not ended in 'harmony' - we always had argues and as I remember now - I already started to watch and wonder about other women - but still never could imagine to physically express this. I've started to suppress these 'feelings' in about 2002-2003. So then we 'officially' ended our relationship and I was living alone.

After a while - I've realized that I am alone - I do not have girlfriend - so I started to define myself as 'alone' - not only as 'lonely as myself' but as 'open for women'.
However his openness excluded even the possibility for a new 'relationship' with another girl - as I made myself obviously clear about what we did with my girlfriend - was not really 'healthy' from the perspective of self-development for the long term. So I've judged relationship according to our 'just finished' relationship. Fuckedupness, pink bubble, selfishness, ego-playout, dependency, habit, hideout, pretending, self-doubt, fear are the words what come up from that point.

After that there were phases when I stopped pushing the acid like hell(mostly when literally touching the constant experiences of schizophrenia of endless mental dimensions and facing direct physical rudeness of my existence)- and in a degree in these time frames - my 'normally operating' mind melted together for being able to state out - I need woman.

So then I was able to see that I am missing woman, especially by suppressed sexual desire.
For a while I met with girls through Internet-dating sites. That was very hectic. Mostly I went to meet violently stoned, smoking one-three giant sips from the bong and then I've experienced extreme resistance to go out to the street and go into the mass transit, the subway - many times I've literally fell apart within and in a way, from some unnamed perversion, I liked this - to literally walking through this resistance step by step what came so intensely that I had to push myself physically to finally meet with 'the' girl.
In fact nothing really happened in these occasions - about 5-10 times I did this - except that the most direct ones told me that I am crazy at the utmost degree - then I realized that doing this is bullshit.

I was in the middle of my 'dark ages' when I did push psychedelics as much as I could - very rarely I came across with girls who were a bit similar to me - not only the attitude - but probably about the self-dishonesties within too.
So then specific girls somehow started to be attracted towards me - and I was almost outside from me by the drugs and my strong desire to 'fly' - and when I experienced physical touch with a girl - somehow I was almost pulled into situations where I was directed by my desires and strongly influenced by girls. Not much girls, about 2-3 I can count throughout these years.

But the meaning of this was that I've found myself to be defined by myself that "I do not run after women, they should come at me if they really want something."
And I liked that - by that self-definition I did not need to wander much within myself regarding to women - I am simply as I am and if a woman wants me, then she can fish me out of the chaos. Also it was like I am the great Tala who for women come haha shit.

So I've defined myself 'alone' - in the situation wherein I do not need to focus to one girl - but I can touch more than one if I can - but I could not - as I did not do anything for that - it was an other self-definition - that I can 'play' with multiple women as I am currently not in a relationship. It was a suppressed desire.

In fact nothing really happened - at occasions, women approached me - and almost always - I rejected them but not directly - mostly simply sneaking away when I could and then they probably got it.

But most of the time - I was so fucking busy with overwhelming my brain with acid and salvia and mushroom and hash, that probably I was not the one that women strive for within the current human system.

In that time I was already playing with tibetian buddhism - okay, how I got into that: Because I practiced Aikido and the Sensei told me that I should read Buddha - so I've read many sutras from the buddhist scriptures and at one night I was very sick and I had a dream about a foggy shining form what was saying some mystic syllabes and I felt myself miracoulously I was cured. Or at least I perceived like that - what really happened I never could clarify directly. But in that time I did not use much common sense - I was absolutely driven by my childhood prorgramming through family, school, hollywoodoo movies and my fears - so by influences from outside - I was literally directed within the Matrix by my nose.

Back there I was not able to comprehend that dream - it was something very strange, mystical and intense. However I was reading through multiple dozens of new age/spiritual/zen/buddhist books and I've found definition of a buddha aspect chenresig, the compassion form of the buddhas, and it's blahblah: om mani padme hung. So then That I identified with my dream and I was very keen to define myself to be invited by this buddha form into the Tibetan buddhism. So I started to walk into that shit without a blink.

I had one-two mates who with we've pushed our mind with the hippie drugs already within great velocity, so together we approached one of the western buddhist flagship group, the Kagyu lineage of Tibetian Buddhism, with Karmapa, Lama Ole.
I do not go into the details about that - but in that time we experienced many energetic overwhelming experiences regarding to meetings and 'lectures' and 'initiations' and ceremonies, so very soon we've joined into the 'group' and started to make ourselves familiar with the practice. Before that I've practiced the Zen sitting and watching and 'allowing the mirror of the lake to become smooth by releasing the thoughts desires feelings' but somehow these always came back when I stopped the focus on the 'inner silence' - I was able to suppress these by my enormous want to get rid of my shit - but after I stood up and walked with people again - I was lost again. I needed something else. That's why I was very opened to the Tibetan shit, that's why it attracted me because it gave me hope.

So there I've met S., my current partner - but in that time we did not come together - I've wrote about that already in some of my previous blog posts in the last years - but slowly I've started to show up the pattern of 'love' regarding to her - what I previously walked through with the conclusion of 'avoidable'.

But she was different in a way than my ex-wife - from my perspective it was one level up as her intent was apparently very similar to mine, to reach the full enlightenment and buddhahood and all of this lolness agenda.

By walking with her in Asia - we did not come together - we were such great egos that we could not yield from our stubbornness.
Once we did sex and her boyfriend was very aggressive on the skype with her and I did regret what I've done to make her cheat with me - and then she felt like fell 'between two horses' - and she was really out of control, cried and approached me with bully and wanted to force me to stay with her and I could not take self-responsibility, my pink bubble of her beauty was off and I saw her as a 'normal human' and then I was not really interested in her. Yet she was still fucked up and she was sick and I just wanted to avoid her because I could not 'process' this clearly within me. We were in the middle of our Asian tour and I've forced myself to not travel with her anymore and I was with other hippies, Italians for instance in India etc. I just smoked tons at the gathering Kumbh Mela while by taking bath in the Ganga hoping that I will get rid of my karma. OMG WTF.

I've burnt myself again with the self-fuckedupness by definition according to women. So in that phase - I've again closed myself down from this part of existence.

And there were girls (almost typed 'grills' lol) who approached me, some even directly to just try out an 'one night stand' with me but I always slipped away. The intensity with I've closed myself down sexually was remarkable.

I could not handle direct communications, I could not handle when women who I am attached to not behave the way as I imagined or wanted to - then simply I was about to leave - to not even get close to face the same points wherein I've defined myself as 'fallen' already.
Also I've faced some near-death experiences, what were physical 'accidents' wherein in one moment I was able to release all my mindshit to physically act and literally save my ass from the certain death - in those moments - I was not aware of, but it happened: I released all my spiritual desires, dishonesties, and I was moving physical without any definition. However I fell again, I did smoke again, I was off money, I was alone, I was sick, I directly experienced the metal-claws of the Matrix about how it handles the ones who are off power(money, self-will). It was rude, raw, painful and extremely awakening. I came back home to lick my wounds and recover from weight-loss. I did not consider women really, I slipped down in the pyramid of maslow to the survival-ism. Who wants to fuck when death is knocking at the door?

Then at Budapest - I had Internet at the first time at my place and as I was alone - I started to watch sex movies, I mean porn. When I was a kid - I also did that - the videotapes of my grandpa I watched and made myself extremely excited when I was about 10-14.

So then on the internet - I've watched porn and masturbated for a while. I re-approached internet-dating sites and I had not much 'success' - so then I've tried out more direct sites wherein people were about to find sex partners directly.

I felt like they are the same as the 'normal-relationship-seeking-ones' but these are with less sugar-like bullshit - wanting to find a partner who with they can have sex. That was my approach as well - and who with I will enjoy sex - it maybe can expand into a 'relationship' - but mostly I was simply driven my penis. But I never did fuck on Internet-dating.
It was too raw, too alien, too much I could have to do in order to just get what I really want - to satisfy my needs - but this was not what I wanted. I wanted REAL beings, real touch, real intimacy - even when I had no idea what is that meanwhile my desires pulled into meetings with strange women - I was always sure that it(life) is not just meet with a stranger and fuck.
So when physically I've faced these girls - not that much, about a half dozen - I did not initiate sex - once with one girl we did oral play but after that I decided not to continue that.

After that I've found Desteni Videos on Youtube - that was very new paradigm, I've never met this kind of message. So I was into that for a while. And after a while - I've realized - I am fucked way beyond I even can determine from where I am - so I must walk out from my accepted self-deception. So I started Self-Forgiveness, I started writing down what I contain as Mind Consciousness System - to see what I've accepted and allowed and what I must stop inevitably within this lifetime. Because this is not who I really am.

From that point it was obvious that I am not ready for relationship, about 2007 october - I stopped consciously seeking woman for relationship.
I started to focus on Self, first to clean up the bullshit agendas - at least the most obvious ones, drugs, spiritual/buddhist/shamanist/new age things - for long months I was very busy to literally forgive and let go of myself for accepting and allowing myself to continuously participating within mantras and definitions and energetic experiences of the mind as with these systems I've shielded myself from reality as excuses anyway. As once Bernard told something like that: 'when the shit falls into the ventilator: immediately everything is full of shit' - that kind of direct experience when once can realize the Process as Self. Nowhere to go - I am every Here - so I deal with the shit.
But in the beginning the decision is real only, the physical walk must be explored.

I still participated within Internet dating - not really, but sometimes the suppressed sexual desire simply was very strong and it was like a some sort of possession - and then I was looking for a woman who is more likely for me but not really found.

Then, after 1-2 years - I realized that I am still dishonest about the desire/sex/porn/suppression/fear points - so I've accumulated a decision to a point where I was able to clearly state out that I want a real, physical woman.

Somehow I still refer woman to 'girl' as it still indicates that I am resonantly still looking for woman who is behaving like a girl for instance by starting point or by feelings - because the girl is then maybe 'irresponsible' or 'can be manipulated' - great points.
So then I was trying to persuade one-two specific girls around me that Agreement is the way, come on, what are you waiting for?

The first one was really a point what I had to understand how and why I am resonantly being attracted to women who are obviously dishonest and not really want to change but manipulate and hide behind false images.

There were some intense months, when I realized that I was walking a path wherein I am not really within the supportive environment from the perspective of Self-Honesty. That girl(here referred as 'G' - never wanted to be with me but enjoyed to play with me and I was driven by my desires and dishonesties. So then I made the decision to stop meeting with her. For months the hope lasted and when the patterns of fuckedupness came up what I already walked in the past - I realized I stepped into shit again. So I stopped that.

Then, the next girl, who I was within some sort of relationship - it was sexual at last - but that was mostly about that and we could never directly discuss points - and she apparently liked the 'idea' of Self-Forgiveness and walk as equals but in practical - never did - and I had to realize that I was hoping and sometimes I was projecting some anger towards her(!) what was because I was accepting shit within myself.

Meanwhile I visited Desteni farm - what I wanted since 2007 but I had no money, I had no way out from the current job - but I was sure that one day I will be able to go and it was so.
It was really assisting to see how these humans walk as equals at the farm and not accepting shit. Also I saw and spoke with beings within Agreement(for instance Leila and Gian, Maite and LeslieJohn) wherein they support themselves and each other as equals and face the points of Self-dishonesty within a sexual relationship - that was I wanted to try by myself. Also it was great assistance to discuss with my Resonances about how I am socially still holding onto points from specific phases of my early life wherein I am still responsible for separation regarding to my inner experiences and the world outside as manifested Self-dishonesty. I must walk from the Matrix of Perfection into the Self-Perfection.
So when I came back from the farm I was telling her that agreement is cool, we should do that but not really happened...she had still feelings towards her ex-boyfriend and I judged her as she sometimes did drink a lot of alcohol and hated herself for days then deciding not to do so again and timelooping within that. Each of occurrence of this loop - we became more and more distant.
At the end of that - when we already 'barely did sex' - this relationship faded out smoothly - and at the end she wrote an email about she found her love and she wants to be 'intimately' only with her new partner, so that's it. After that for an hour I was agry, it was fascinating to see - how I was angry at her - but in fact - I was angry at myself because I gave into the hope again - the hope that it can work, and at the end - I was angry at myself. I literally had to forgive myself to release this energetic possession what I was silently compressed, suppressed according to my fears/desires/hopes regarding to the pre-definition of 'agreement'.(!)

So then it was finished - and I had to realize that from the beginning of this relationship - I was compromised by my 'want' and 'hope' for make this to an Agreement, however my starting point was not clear, my starting point was of desire.

So then, I've decided to refine my starting point again and not to judge my 'fall' - because I was driven by ideas and not practical, physical reality.

After that I met with S. again - who I was with in Asia. So then we were about to being attracted sexually - however still I was facing with serious resistances. Resistance towards her - because of the memories what we participated within our past in Cambodia about 3-4 years ago.
These resistances were so imminent that I realized - this is a great opportunity to walk through my self-created reality what is of definitions, what is of fears, what is of assumptions.

I've noticed that she's changed. She had to change because she had a little child and by that she is more 'physical' - she has to consistently support her kiddo day by day, she can not fly away that much as she did years before - so that is really supporting for a woman and she was able to use some common sense. I've defined her that she did not change much within - but within application - yes - and we were able to discuss points what we were unable years back there.

I wanted to meet with her and deal with my shit what I've created regarding to her - at least to make sure that when I will engage into a next approach to form an agreement from relationship- I will not bring my past and I will not re-manifest my already manifested self-dishonesty.

I also noticed that I still 'contain' sexual affection towards S regardless of my fears. Probably that and the 'feel' that we screwed up before and wanted to 'correct' it - brought us together again.

I approached her about this - but I was unable to simply start a 'relationship' with her without seeing the 'end of the tunnel' - so I said to her that my plan is to leave the country in about next summer - but until that we could try this new thing what I saw people are doing at Desteni farm: Agreement. She told me that it sounds cool and she never was with a guy who with she could discuss points directly and anyways I am a bit more attractive for her than I was back there in Asia.

So we started to 'walk together' - and in fact we did not discuss points until the outmost degree, we did not stated the starting points directly, we did not lay down the basic words what we agree on, she is also not ready to share herself in her Birth Name on the internet, she was obviously not applying Self-Forgiveness since a while, so I was concerned - but as I was able to deal with her already(not as before some years ago - I was able to - or at least I persuaded myself that I am able to directly say things to her and not yield from points what are principles of myself), so then I was able to say to her that I can engage with her to try to manifest an Agreement.
And at least - sexually we do not have to wonder and participate within fantasies.

But.

I was still meeting with the girl(G.) who I could not make a relationship with - I should refer them somehow because here I already mention a lot of woman and in fact it is quite a mess what I've created. So. G was S.'s friend and they meet quite often - also because of the buddhist agenda they participate together(the same where I met with them) - and they like each other.

So I met with G and while re-meeting with G - but already realized that not for relationship - for what then? This was a point where I could compromise myself with the point for instance: 'to face her and release the still existing self-dishonesties within me' - what I like to rephrase with ex-girlfriends(or ex-not-girlfriends) in order to meet with them. That should be investigated further more. So.

When I was meeting with S., at the beginning, G was often there - and my tendency was quite clear on the physical level - that I was still touching G more likely than S. - as in the beginning S. was of my past wherein we could not come along and she was 'more cool than' before - but I did not want to do something 'serious' with her.
But somehow when I met with G and S at the same time - all together they did not seem that 'dangerous'. Dangerous from my perspective. From the point of I could go into a frenzy about 'never wanting to have relationship with buddhist again' for instance - or 'never wanting to have a relationship with S.' - and 'never really wanting to build up a desire again towards G again - because it did not work practically'. So then somehow spending time with this two girls - I allowed myself to fall into the desire and I've manifested that physically like the following:

G likes guys wander around her and they please and excite her, verbally and physically, even a bit sexually but never going to the point of direct sex.
Touching, fondling, massaging, hugging and playing with words and just simply play around, going to party together, dancing and speaking.

At some point I was still mesmerized by her presence, by her body taste(Waist–hip ratio!), by her voice, by her attitude. And S. was also there, and I started to wonder about what if I also could play with her - as when I was with her alone - she was also opened in a way for me - and once she even stated that she could imagine to be with me and she also noted to me that she is more attracted to me since I am more directive.

So then as I've defined myself and my desires according to women - by the self-accepted definitions and informations - I started to notice that S. also wants the touch. I was high of this. I was not aware of this directly, I was not really wondering about how they really feel - I was simply using the opportunity and three of us played around, for instance did kissing together.
After that kissing - G went home, more precisely she went to meet with her new boyfriend - and I was with S..

Then we started to speak. Then we started to have sex. Then we spoke more and I've noticed that she is more stable than ever. What I noticed also that she is still holding onto the points what we faced in Cambodia 4 years ago - but I could handle it. I could speak to her directly and I could bring up points what she got. At least I perceived like that.

So then after a couple meetings together three of us - G did not show up that much - she started to fall into her usual 'very busyness' - she was lost within her tasks and duties and work and school etc - and her new boyfriend - so we did not meet that much - or if so - then we directly went to a party two of us then we spoke and did massage and dance for instance. But I noticed that my desire - my want her for sex - my strive for touching her - was not really present anymore - I started to be satisfied with S. and with our application and with my intent to introduce Agreement within our speak, within our discussion, within our application.
What was really assisting to realize - that sometimes I stil 'had' the need to please her - in fact to please myself with her - but sometimes not - and after some events - I realized the truth - that in fact it is MY DECISION - but I was not honest with myself within my applications - that always I decide what I participate within. Obviously I was not directly aware of the beginning of 'not wanting to please with G' - that in fact I decided not to - but not directly, but by the accumulation of 1+1=2. Then I realized - I can decide anything - then I can walk myself into my decision as reality - and then by walking - I can face myself - is that direct physical - or still based on energetic waves? Anyways - I stopped wondering about G as I had no desire for 'woman' - because I experienced it with S.

So it happened like that - S. sometimes noted that she is not absolutely happy about when three of us met that I was more likely focusing to G - but I said to her that if it is a problem, then say so, and then she answered that it is not a problem. At least she wanted equal attention in these times. That was the beginning of our relationship.

Probably by 'simply' 'alone' I could never imagine myself to engage into a 'relationship' with S. - but at the beginning G was here and by her 'sugarlike/cheesey/sweet/honey-like' attitude - my 'edgyness' was reduced and I was not full of walls regarding to anything about S..

So we then 'officially' came together - G I did not see for months - and I was with S..

I've noticed some points from my past what directly came up and I've allowed it. For instance I've smoked again. Yes, after 3 years no smoking, after deeply realizing how I fucked myself up with that in long term - somehow I was tempted by the stuff and then for weeks I was resisting the stuff to smoke - but in fact I made the opportunity to have some - and I lied to myself - 'for a guy who visited me from abroad' - and when that guy came and he said that 'he was full of that shit in the last months and he does not want to smoke' - the stuff remained - and then for weeks I was fighting the inevitable. I've smoked. For one-two occasions I even would not judge myself - but I did more so.
And meanwhile I was meeting with S. - with the stuff I guess I was armoring, pacing myself - or at least my ego.

At that point I was conscious about I am walking shit again - but I compromised my walk by allowing any excuse for the fact that I am walking with a partner who directly expressed that she is curious the desteni material, the self-forgiveness, the Agreement as she is fed of the sneaky bastards who she was with in the name of 'relationship' wherein she even allowed abuse by the guys. She also wanted change and it was clearly true.
In that point I did not consider her starting point - I did not consider myself within the 'shoes' of her - and I did not consider my desires and my fears according to relationship.

I did not give myself fully into that - I was 'just meeting with her' - I was 'just' speaking with her and I was 'just' having sex with her meanwhile stating to her that 'Let's manifest an Agreement' - while I did not focus onto points what came up - for instance the self-suppression by smoking when fear comes up - so I've manifested a timeloop.
Also another self-compromise point what I allowed and I must make sure I will not deceive myself by this again is the following:
-I realized I am slipping, but directly I did not FACE MYSELF to dig out immediately as moment - as I've accepted the resonant FEAR to realize the self-dishonesty what I allow within myself - so the excuse was this:
'I do not exactly know/understand/realize the 'nature' or the 'core' of this dishonesty, so I dare myself to make mistake and I trust myself, so I will learn from this shit anyways...'.(!) No comment, fascinating - this kind of dishonesty I already walked before some times and this is the first time I can write it down.

Meanwhile I was still meeting with an other woman, for my second job, at this point since one and half year - she was the one who gave the job, in a way 'principal/contractor' and I enjoyed to meet with her even regarding to the job - and I was not directly aware of she could imagine me as her partner - I did consider her and I did consider her as my possible partner for agreement - but that girl stated out several times that she wants 'family', 'love', 'house in the country', 'children' and that kind of life. And I judged that kind of way extensively - because I've came from that - or at least what people call like that and I directly experienced this as a catastrophe.

I did not initiate sex with her - but we did meet in a spa, we did huggings, fondlings, speaking about intimate things - and I was not directly clear about I do not want her - it was like I did not want to fuck with her, because it could mean I am dishonest, because I was afraid to engage her in relationship - but anything else then can occur - because as 'cheating' - I 've defined fuck only and anything else is still cool, I am still self-honest if I even excite or allure another woman.

In fact this woman in a way is that kind of programmed definition of 'beauty' within me - pure hollywood stuff - long curly dark hair, the perfect Waist–hip ratio, her voice etc - I was mesmerised by her presence and by her attention towards me. Not much that I could go into an obsession/posession, but it accumulated and influenced me.

I also noticed that much assistance I get from her - the speaking, touching with her - was like intentionally melting down the ice of walls within my mind according to face women and open up and not fear to share and express. She sent me to contact dance, to get physical within touch and explore physical equality and balance with any partner in any moment - that she walks since years, so that I've defined as very cool.

Yet I could not try to even approach her directly with the idea of we may could try to be together - and I was aware of she will not do the first step, so it was cool, I had nothing to 'fear' from walking into serious fields wherein I could fail as I did in the past. So sometimes I simply expressed myself with her regardless of desire, no urge, no mask, then I experienced this attraction towards her, then it was gone. I liked that, I experienced some 'space' within me without the direct experience of fear from 'falling into a relationship wherein I am not in directive principle'.

Meanwhile 'I came together with S' and met with this woman(girl), and(lol) also an other girl slept at my place and I also did fondling and naked sleep with her - and I fell into the desire and I toucher her - and again - I did not fuck with her - it was almost too much and with her we in fact realized it was too much - we do not do that again and this was cool - but then something 'more than touch but less than fuck' happened again.

What I realized when I started my process that all the temptations of the mind I must walk unwaving - and there is one temptation for me - here - is this temptation from women, sexual temptation - not even the sex directly - to swirl around specific pieces of skins of the body in order to electrify quick or long-term energetic rushes - it's not even about that - but how I define myself according to women. 'Of course' I've managed to manifest some sort of sexual addiction within me - but I always was aware of that death will come one day and in one blink we are no more - and also that fact that each women will almost literally rot in alive while reaching the age of 60-70-80 years - so from the perspective of 'time' - for me it was always 'easy' to release that 'obsession' with 'beautiful women' - because I blink a thousand or ten thousand more and this beautiful body will be saggy and weak, shaking and sick, ugly and stinky - so fucking what? But this idea of power and about women what with I've allowed myself to fuck myself up.
So when I Started Process in 2007 - I realized I will be tempted with women extensively and I must walk the talk of Self-honesty and one of my 'points' is of this - but this came so fast that I did not realize that I am already within this phase of being tempted even sexually by a half dozen of women.

And my partner, S. told me that she is not really hell-like about that I resonantly play alpha-male, she simply said that I am sneaking around women again and again, and at least I should take Self-responsibility about these things and these women who I give hope and then in fact not stand by and with them. Not even speaking about 'MY' 'Agreement' with her.

Meanwhile I was pushing her points what I was seeing on her - and I directly asked her to push me by my points, even by this 'obsession with women' - to get the reflection of what I physically am and of - that's why I wanted to Walk Agreement - to get the points what I can not see - what I do not want to realize by myself.

So then sometimes when she pointed out that she is experiencing that I still behave with women as I am open - regardless of her presence or her notes. It's like this constant obsession of needing to assert to myself that I am needed for women.

And meanwhile I still allowed myself to smoke - and when I was simply tired or I was not really 'up to' meeting S. - I smoked, I played with computer for instance Call of duty Black ops for some hours - then "ahh shit, it's 20:00 already, I want to face her and I simply pushed myself into rushing to 'meeting with her'" and 'just' see what will happen.

It happened like this for some times - and around this point was when I stopped vlogging blogging for some months. I wanted to do so - but I was full of self-accepted self-dishonesty.

After some time I started to be really fed up about my dishonesty - and I told this to S. - in fact I was still doing VLOGs and some writings - but I simply judged it as myself as shit and I simply deleted or considered as 'not really supportive' for sharing as I could not stand by the starting point of these expressions.

When I saw the microexpressions on my face in a vlog - what I directly could define as 'irritation', 'anger' and 'confusion' - I made the decision to stop smoking and open this up directly with my partner S. and start to write about it directly and start to accumulate Self-Will to stand up from Self-dishonesty.

At the moment I've decided to do so - I immediately experienced quite a relief - from the burden what I manifested and what I carried - but it's still within me and when I am not directly breathing HERE - it is influencing me in such a degree that I am still participating within self dishonesty.
I realized - again - that I must accumulate Self-direction, Self-will, Self-honesty by starting over from 'scratches' - no way I could remain as Infinity as I am at the moment, so I push.

Meanwhile S. was still telling me that I do look very possessed about the women point and it looks like I still fear and I still want to prove something or want to avoid direct responsibility with my current partner.

And at moments I realized something about this -refractions, glimpses - but at occasions I simply neglected it and resisted and I attacked her with my favourite point within our relationship: that she is still participating within tibetian buddhism - she is still hoping and doing absolute shit instead of acting within Self-honesty.

She was quite fed off my stuff and myself as well - and then as I was telling her that I do not accept shit for a long time, she told the same - and then I started to release this ego-shield - what I developed as excuse-system within and as my mind to not needing to realize what I am still participate within myself from the starting point of Self-dishonesty.

Then I've started to accumulate decision within my writing and investigate through writing again and again about the points and then I've noticed that she is right - and I want to have multiple women - because somehow I am not satisfied with the one - and I even remember for stating out that there are two-three women around me that all of them together if we could come along - would make the perfect relationship for me. So then that simple sacred geometry triangle information system I've defined as myself. And by that self-definition I have aligned myself with and as this information within my expressions without a blink, without even considering the women who I was 'thinking about' to - in fact - have them for me. LOL. And of course never wanting to stand with them as equals as me with taking full responsibility - so it was not really Life.

As I write this down - it is obviously not Self-Honesty within action. But to stand up for the self-created resistances what I was not even aware of - about WHY I was unable to directly face this point within myself for a long-long time.

This I've noticed already that here is my partner and there are points - HERE are points what she is directly pointing out simply by speaking about it to me - and when she is saying that this is bullshit - I at times simply neglect or am unable to do anything about in the moment - and there are year-like seconds - time stops, I am here and there is no way to go anymore and then I realize - well - there is no more running - it is exposed.

Recently we also discussed the point of fear from 'infinite' placement of self within a relationship, within an agreement. My need of wanting to 'see the end of the tunnel' is of self-definition. I must release this within Self-honesty.

If I look at the issues what I 'bring' into my current relationship - it is already reduced - I can stop some points already - because of the supporting environment of our relationship what has been started to transform into an agreement.

The sex-based occupations what are of the mind such as suppressed desires, fantasies, porn - rarely still come up but I am not giving into that, I am not participating - even when I accidentally face such things - I notice that I am here, I breath - and I must be sure that I do not accumulate any slightest inner reaction toward these kind of expressions - because then I will be possessed again.

The fear from being within a relationship - is reducing at every time we meet - by realizing that I have nothing to fear - I am the directive principle of my life - in fact accumulating self-will to place myself into the active application of 'what is best for all'.

The sexual desires towards other women, especially the ones who I mentioned, who I still meet and who even sometimes express their interest and attraction towards me even sometimes not only by 'giving attention' but sometimes sexually - I must realize that I am in an agreement wherein I stick to the words with what we agreed on to walk this process - and that is more important than some temporally occupation within sex with somebody who I did not agree with for walking as equals - however if energetic reactions would come up - I know that the definitions regarding to unknown and the hope could come up what I already realized that is of fear, that is of self-dishonesty.
I directly told the other women that I made the decision to walk with S. at this moment, I take responsibility and however I do not play monk with them(a hug for instance is ok but pleasing I must not participate within), however I do sex only with S.
I am still correcting myself by not participating within desire - at all - with any women - but 1+1=2 - accumulation and by realizing the re-location of myself by and as the principle of What is best for all - I am able to stand up for desires, I am able to walk through programmed-fear of I am not good enough and to polarize/compensate that constantly seeking for affirmations from women because I've defined my power according to beauty and women.

So that's it for now about reviewing -again- my points towards women and relationship - I stand as the process of stopping my participation within the mind.
I see that each time I write about this topic - the more I open, the more directly I share the core points within my intimacy about my self-dishonesties. And I also realized that what I did not share within my previous writing about these things before - are of self-definitions - because anything I share as I perceive myself to be - is of the mind what I've became - and if I am shy about points, if I regret points - if I still want to things keep in secret - about those points in fact I still do not want to change - that's why I do not want to expose those points.

So I keep pushing each point by sharing. This document is 'deep' enough to use it as material for Self-forgiveness, Self-corrective application.

This is part of facing my resonant fear from expressing myself constantly so I must face, realize, forgive, stop, release and let go unconditionally within constant, stable physical expression breath by breath.