[JTL Day 212] 1. Realising and living my utmost potential

This is part of the Principles list I am committing myself to stand for. By writing what I accept and what not - I am writing my own screenplay so to speak and see who I am within starting point, writing and practical application, what still requires understanding, re-alignment and practical change.

To change oneself until not reaching our utmost potential should not be difficult - yet how the human mind and body has been 'evolved' into who we are today - we certainly can see that to change our personalities, behaviors, perceptions, reactions can be quite difficult and even almost impossible but with the right motivation, self-will and self-supporting tools - anyone can accumulate into real, practical change.

Already the reaction for one when challenged to change can be revealing - and regardless of the current world system how unequal, harsh and profit-oriented, abusive and sad can be - we all are demanding for change but never considering to actually change what is the closest: SELF HERE.
So these principles are guidelines, reflection-points on who I accept myself to be.

I have been facing a relevant point within my life which with/through I've allowed myself to become directed by as I've reacted to it within the starting point of fear.
This relationship I've developed in regarding to the word and it's meaning: PERFECTION has been proven to be in fact limiting within my expression.
Within my last post here I was writing about this concluding it how I've misunderstood 'perfection'.

I've allowed myself to be possessed with the ideas, dreams, imaginations, visions of what it means something to be perfect, in my mind it 'FEELS' intense and clear, however within actual, PRACTICAL APPLICATION, it is not supporting at all, because what happens is that first I react within my mind with emotion, thoughts and then becoming distracted with it's energy and within that rather focusing to the IDEA of perfection instead of what I actually do, so what I do becomes a subject in my mind, separated from my beingness, which then prevents to express and stand as an equal and one relationship with what I do and thus unable to PERFECT my real, physical application.

The subject can be anything - relationship, art, housekeeping, photography, programming - and within it in fact it is myself I constantly end up judging as imperfect which then obviously never can be good enough.

When I was at the Desteni farm in 2010, Bernard and Sunette opened up this point for me quite directly as there were interviews explaining the difference between the Matrix of Perfection and Self-perfection wherein the first is the system, the consciousness, the pre-programmed, automatized, limited expression of Perfection with the starting point of fear in opposition with the principle of Self-perfection, which means that within this limited world system, in this limited human physical body we still can be able to express our utmost potential, which would really mean Self-perfection.

We always perfect something, our body at the gym, our fabrication of tools, creating systems, food, cars etc but never ever considering the possibility to directly perfect ourselves. We don't even know what it would mean, right? What is in fact self anyway?
To know self means to be able to understand and within that to be able to change!

Especially with the infectious agendas of the New Age, which tries to neutralize the importance of SELF by mystifying or virtually identifying the idea of SELF with EGO which then being judged as not real, irrelevant, while within our so called 'culture' praising and idolizing the justification of individualism by defining it as a separation from all what is here, including others.

So what would mean to reach our utmost potential to me is to not be limited by energy, meaning not a single thought, feeling, emotion to imbalance me from direct ability to see/decide/act based on a consistent and direct, equal and one-based relationship with myself, all parts of myself and my surroundings.
This seems like an overwhelmingly difficult task, but only because not have been explored, only by the ideas of the mind, based on one's interest, tainted with self-definitions, judgements, memories, personality rules, characters layered upon within ourselves so profoundly that we can not directly see/understand/realize what we experience and based on that why we do what we do.

Within the polarity of the mind there is always two-edge of everything, positive and negative and within this Perfection is also can be understood as a two-edged sword, wherein one can see imperfection and with practical common sense it can become an asset, a tool, a cross-reference for not remaining stuck within the IDEA of perfection and then the JUDGEMENT of imperfection but to be able to reflect that back into oneself and real, physical, tangible action.

This means to actually letting go the judgement, the reaction of not good enough, to stop the energetic reaction with it, to let go it's starting point, why I react with this 'not cool' experience, emotion, which if I really look it it is FEAR.

It is a fear that if I ended up with this current state/creation/expression/experience and not being satisfied - then what if I'd remain so, what if there would be no time to fix it, to make it better, to become better etc.

This is kind of a point of practical success so to speak - because if it's not good enough, I re-assess, cross-reference, use common sense and apply what I have realized - but if I stop expressing by reacting with frustration, lack of satisfaction - I actually give up which then manifests my starting point what I wanted to avoid based on fear: imperfection.

So first of all to let go the fear of imperfection, fear of not being good enough, fear of failure, fear of not having enough time to finish, fear of being judged as imperfect to re-align myself to stand and express without fear.

The idea of perfection then also not practical - has been proven already - especially with the fact that how I've defined and created myself around it was based on fear, thus in reality - can not be trusted and labeled as PERFECTION.

Regardless of any holding onto any ideas as oneself has been formed relationship with to be defined - all must let go to stand naked so to speak within oneself and that is actually requires for Self-trust - without definitions to stand, without conditions to express, without judgements to trust: self here.

It's always on practicality - nothing mystical - for instance if I face instability - what makes me stable - at least what with I define and condition my perceived stability and how I compromise it - and within that how I focus on reaction and worry and prevention of instability, instead of accumulating actual stability. Which might start on decomposing, writing down, forgiving and stopping reasons and definitions, judgements and reactions on what makes me unstable.

The mind is a very serious thing and within it one can entirely self-define based on non-facts, for instance if I want to avoid conflict and ensuring to avoid those all the time, because my stability is depending on it - then from a moment of decision to practical solution - it's maybe not to avoid conflict but to prevent to create in the first place. And then realizing external conflict is caused by internal conflict and then to stop that - to stop inner friction and develop absolute self-trust, self-honesty, self-direction - this is practical self-perfection which supports oneself to be able to realize and express our utmost potential.

And we can never know what is in fact our potential until we have investigated, pushed and practically transcended all the limitations of ourselves, which is not really the body, but first of all the mind - as there is enough a single doubt, a judgement, a tiny excuse for one to stop digging, pushing, stopping, changing.

So within this - to reach my utmost potential is not something I can have reason for why changing myself for it - because I have to change who I am today for reaching my utmost potential, that's already obvious, because I can apply self-reflection on in fact being able to see when I compromise myself from within based on any fear or desire, attachment.

And by living on planet earth - it is common sense to become practical, physical, because that is the most consistent, real we can have to 'work with' on reaching our utmost potential. This means that seeing through and facing from the current human system, the actual environmental, nature, ecosystem too, considering my own human physical body, considering other humans as well, the animals, plants, weather and simply work what is here.
It can be seem quite limited, especially with the greatest fuckup existence could being ended up with, is the consequence of self-separation and limitation based on money - but this is who we are today, this is what for we take responsibility and apply ourselves unconditionally without any separation.

One can give up easily within this manifested consequence we allowed to compromise ourselves with called consciousness wherein energy seems to be more than substance, experience seems more important than facts and the mind seems more relevant than life but this is the self-dishonesty we've defined ourselves equal and one with and there is nothing in this existence what can save us from ourselves so we just learn to move ourselves one by one until all are able to take responsibility not only for oneself but for all existence because that is where reaching our utmost potential can start to be expressed.

Who knows who each of ourselves can actually become and what can do - seeing human history, there were - and are - individuals who can show remarkable performance, achievement or efficiency within wide areas of practical application such as science, art, politics etc but did they reach their utmost potential? I am not sure - and my responsibility starts with my potential to nurture and birth myself as real life, which is unlimited, un-compromised from within, not tainted by fear or doubt, not separated desire or distracted by energetic reactions.

One must realize that being able to stop the influence and control of thoughts, feelings and emotions leads to a more direct and effective, practical and physical self-expression, which absolutely not mean to become a sense-less, materialistic or zombie/robot-like being - as in fact we can become one and equal with words directly - to be the LIVING WORDS - to have a starting point, to speak and to act the same. Then what we perceived before as 'important human emotion, such as anger' is self-dishonesty - and yet - one can still express similar but not based on energy, not by reacting to memory, definitions, fear - but express self as sound - as equal and one.

One can find many books on apparent 'masters' try to explain how to reach an other state of mind wherein we are not limited, it can be referred as 'holy spirit', 'enlightenment', 'zen', 'tao', 'flow', 'shaman' etc but within actually applying these with critical starting point, self-honest investigation - these are not really supporting within direct, actual, practical change. There are tons of explanations, support available at EQAFE, DESTENI sites, I was able to understand and let go these methods, ways, perceptions and it is absolutely clear what is the actual limitation, self-dishonesty within these and I am absolutely not saying I am superior or having judgements about the individuals who are still applying these practices, ways, tools - but if anyone is interested on understanding in extreme, practical details on how the human mind, body is related to existence, what are the most practical tools on using words and physical action in this world - there would be a significant mistake to miss these supports. If one would question the support, I suggest to listen a dozen of the free EQAFE interviews - currently I am listening Kryon series and I am understanding so much about human nature, how energy is programmed in the mind and this can be directly supportive within my life, my actual relationship, work, responsibility points.

Within investigating energy itself one can realize that there is nothing really self within it - only the self-accepted relationship imprinted into the physical beingness by consistent acceptance and allowance of layered pattern of knowledge and information and regardless of what kind of energy we embrace or reject - there is the same mechanism, which exists in separation in relation to it's source, the physical substance.
That's why all religious, spiritual, enlightenment, shamanic and other ways what are available in this human world system apparently for the betterment of self are always relying on one's relationship with energy and trying to distract from the source, which is here, the physical.
Only using and by that abusing the physical for experience which always ends with death - all what goes through is so insignificant that it does not really matter - exactly because there no substantiated matter, fact, real physical beingness.

And one can ask why is that, so many effort has been made to not realize our real power to reach the utmost potential, because if we would really take responsibility for this physical earth - we would be able to realize the priorities, the simple principle of give as you would like to receive to practically realize and manifest what is best for all. That is in a way already a potential we have never realized, expressed: to always act with every single act according to what is best for all. What could be more than that, especially if we have never been able to do so?

So to stand up for what is best for all becomes practical, obvious as one walks the process of genuine self-forgiveness yet it is not easy, because within each moment one have to push, birth oneself beyond the mind, the previously accepted 'home' of our perception of beingness and go, submerge, explore, become equal and one with actual physical substance through and as the human physical body, which means to face all what is accepted and allowed currently within ourselves, within this world to be able to stand and understand and stop and change. And it is not 'groovy' or 'hip' but it is something honorable and the way to reach our utmost potential.

Within this realization it is first to stop be defined, reacted to energetic experiences within, which is through applying Self-forgiveness on becoming aware and take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed and to be able to stop - and stop means not fight, resist, suppress but actually change our very core of beingness and really let go the patterns of self-dishonest relationship with energy, information, which is basically fear of loss, fear of change, fear of fear.

It is so ingrained within ourselves the acceptance of the perception by our thoughts, feelings emotions but with throughout introspective, self-honest, cross-referencing, common sense-based investigation these aspects of ourselves can be proven self-dishonest, indirect, separating expressions in comparison of direct, absolute self-expression - only people, who are extremely specific can even consider the reason on questioning oneself to the utmost - it is so easy to accept any kind of limited answer, solution and protect self-interest with excuses and justifications why one should accept self-limitation, but regardless of the apparent insanity of giving away our own values we defined as self but beyond that there is a gift of real sanity of finding oneself and a purpose of not only about self-perfection but to actually give as would like to receive and that is the best for all period.

So back to practical application - there are words to what I've defined myself reacting to quite intensely according to the programming of my personality which was because by this I've defined the way to reach my utmost potential and in fact these definitions have been proven as not supporting - and not these words are flawed, but as I've separated myself from directly being able to express these words as direct expression without the energy of the mind and never considering the possibility to re-define these words according to supporting me and all others equally within an equal and one relationship.

Perfection, Movement, Trust, Direction, Breath, Physical, Power - I could continue with more words but these are just doors to open to recognize, understand and stop patterns of fear - because why else we would have self-limitation to accept than fear? Who would not want to be fully, absolutely oneself?
Who would refer to self as currently is by accepting and being owned by fear? We can blame parents, government, money, but if we really look at it - it is always starts and ends up with and as SELF. There is support and once we stop reacting with fear, there is common sense, there is practical solution, just to let go energy, the delusion of that we need emotions to rule/ruin our decisions - we can express words directly without emotion, but then we would end up questioning our definitions, our values and we would realize there is self-interest only - and if we compass our living based on that meanwhile compromising all life with neglect, abuse - then we are just as responsible with the actual acceptance and allowance as all others equally.
One must find a way to deal with one's perception to purify, to let go the justification of why it is alright for one BILLION humans to live in extreme poverty while in fact we would never want to have that for ourselves, we would never wish the same from them and in fact we might even would blame for them if they were me while we were in the abused situation on not standing up unconditionally for a dignified living. And it requires engaging current systems, even on economic, political level - what is the reason not to go there? Is it the law limiting me or me limiting myself not to understand, embrace and accumulate action what requires for real change. Education, Media, Politics, living as an example, sharing - these can be practical points - if I do not apply it based on a perception, I am responsible for my perception and the actual consequence too.

So if I sit here, fully clothed, having food, shelter, health care and considering my fullest, utmost potential - it is to give to all what I have at least - and within that I can see - how limited I am, how limited the whole human system, the monetary, law, economic systems are - and I could go into blame and separation of - them and me - and I am just like a little fish - but if we see - there are human individuals within those systems, groups, interests - they are using ways to accumulate direction and power to be able to do what they do and even some thing that they do their best for the betterment of humanity but then also comes the question of what I accept as my limit?
There can be also challenge - to find practical ways to change the system - is that off-limit? What is the perception behind that limit? Why? A newborn child has no limits in her/his mind - just explores - and then learns and studies, experiences and suddenly there is limitation.
So then to decompose what is actual limitation - the physical? The body? It has it's own limits, sure, but how human body has it's physical should determine how we create economic, poverty, war? The 'human nature' can also be an excuse - but the greatest secret to power is that we can change.
Once we accept limits, falls, mistakes as who we are, we are like determined to identify ourselves with what we did, what consequences we manifested, but still - self can change. And to find the decision, the will, the power, the trust in self to change is something what only SELF can GIVE for SELF - by letting go with understanding and taking responsibility.

Within forgiving, letting go, committing to let go all definitions that I've allowed automatically to come up and react to and actually re-defining how to express, apply myself according to the principles of what is best for all I am the LIVING WORDS.

There is no such thing as forgiving others, asking anything or anyone 'for' forgiveness, but it works as I - for - give as would like to receive - same principle within practical application by actually exploring the thought-patterns, the emotions programmed into our mind, body, beingness by and as WORDS.

Any spiritual-new-age or religious agenda pronouncing on universal sounds, syllables, words for self-support does not really support oneself, because if we look within ourselves with real self-honesty, the words can come up what we actually are - the exact specific thinking pattern we have to face, understand, forgive, not just hope within some energetic vibration on universal 'words', like 'OM' - those are false paths for self-realization - those are merely just for self-stimulation, accumulating energetic experiences with one can -maximum- patch oneself for a while to behave one's mind. Here is a discussion on meditation.

I've been working with the mind quite some time and with Desteni I am grasping real, unconditional confidence when facing the mind, because 'practicing' spiritual agendas', playing around with the mind, meditating on ideas and quieting, equalizing my mind is one thing but to actually, absolutely understand and 'own' and direct my mind, there is no other way than the process of Self-forgiveness - I could say that I am sorry, but actually not - anyone resisting self-forgiveness will face oneself anyway - just won't have the right tools, practical experience, accumulated self-awareness, self-direction to really stop self-limitations and I guess it's alright if one accepts so - I can only walk it for myself and the best practical way is to live as an example from energetic Consciousness to Life awareness.

Because Life only can be one and equal with and all - and to miss that opportunity see, live, express it as ourselves, to give what I've given by stopping myself before reaching my utmost potential is certainly not me. Thank you very much.

(The images are just for expression, to direct the flow of all of these words, I find more approachable if there is an image once in a while - and are also my expression - snapshots from where I live)

[JTL 26] STOP the Path of Attainment to Really Change in One Breath part 1

Perfection

I've noticed that there is a relationship to the word PERFECTION within me what is in fact Self-dishonesty.

The problem:

I see a Self-dishonesty within myself and then I investigate by writing and then I am exploring Self-forgiveness to be aware of the responsibilities and then I write the Self-correction and Self-commitment - yet I do see what would mean to express ABSOLUTE Self-honesty - yet I let points to remain unclear/reactive/probable within the reaction towards a Self-definition: this will take time, so I must push myself TOWARDS perfection instead of immediately and absolutely change myself regarding to the specific point of Self-dishonesty.
I am still accepting and allowing a path, a some sort of attainment towards Self-perfection within the inherent Self-definition that it's gonna take time - and this is based on how I've started to work with Self-forgiveness on myself to change in 2007.

Because at first when I've realized the common sense and the reality of the Process of Self-forgiveness, I was like: "Alright, I am going to stop the mind, no fucking around, let's do this" - and after some weeks, I was like WTF, I am still in this mind, of this mind, so then the tools are not effective?

And then I've started to write to my blog regularly, about a couple times in a month and then slowly but surely I've started to change.
However the inherent nature, the core of the personality, what I've developed throughout at least 28 years, the same patterns every day, every hour, every minute - that is accumulated to a degree what I can not change in a single blink of an eye with any fancy perpetual perception of 'realization' - because that realization is still of and as the mind.

Realization exactly means that I can bring it to earth, within a stable, constant expression - that's why it is referred as 'REAL I's at I on standing in each breath of each moment.

So when I've realized that all the spiritual tools I've been using and taking refugee into was merely a mind-altering inner bubble with I could play the inner elite meanwhile what physically I did, with I've really participated within reality, society, humanity - was just like the same as before, as everybody else did - yet I was able to shift my perception towards that 'I am in fact already different, I am enlightened, I am fucking clued myself into heaven from hell already' - and that was just a feeling, however within the starting point of Self-dishonesty - I did not realize.

And the Desteni- realization was that this is the greatest lie I've been participating since my birth - and that was my first point to face - when the shit hits the fan, and then within the starting point of Self-honesty, within the principle of Equality and Oneness - I was able to see that everything I've manifested through and as my starting point was not really myself as Self-honesty, but of Self-definition of Self-fear.

Then I've started to APPLY Self-forgiveness, I've realized that I was able to become aware of the patterns within the active self-movement of Self-honesty about what I participate within currently is not real, not physical, not equal as one with and as myself inside and outside.

That was an other realization so then I was pushing the point of WRITING and SAYING Self-forgiveness aloud, to allow to resonate within and as my SOUND expression that I realized I was living in a lie but I am ready to change, I am becoming aware of what I am not.

And then I already wanted to see the result in the physical - to see myself changed, for instance stopping the thoughts, stopping the emotional nastiness - what did not happen.
What happened was that I was able to face directly points in the way I was writing about but only those specific points - and my writing was always showing equal and one how much I am aware of the point - and if that was not exactly how physically I am manifested within the Self-dishonesty - then I've missed the point, I did not change - physically - inside I've already changed, but still from an 'observer' and not a 'doer' point.

For instance, to give a practical example for this: since basic school, I've always remembered myself as shy and suppressive towards women - probably mostly because of the programs I've manifested into myself through fear from fear, through watching and judging and reacting to sex-magazines, sex-tapes, girls in the bathroom, girls in the gym and I was not really able to talk directly to them because I was in fear that they might see that I am really striving for some connection with them yet I already become exceptionally aroused and excited within their presence what I was ashamed of and I've judged myself because I've compared myself to what I've read, what I've seen in media and others doing for instance in the school there were some who did kissing and I did not know how the guys managed to do so meanwhile not having an obviously visible big erection.

So that was one of my biggest point in my childhood until at university I've started to explore with a real partner.

And that to change, what I've been reacting to and participated within throughout many-many years (at least 10 until having a real partner while on being drunk).

So then that I was able to suppress for instance with a singular blotter of LSD for a while when my mind and all of my definitions were liquified and was not really in the way of my perception and expression yet it was within and as me - and after the substance went off - it was my nature, it was my attitude, my starting point what I did not change, so even when I was able to clear off my mind - everything just came back quite similar - if not more complicated with some twist within - as it was before and then I had to notice that I did not change but I've got some knowledge and some enormous amount of energy.

And with that energy I was able to embrace this point - but when the energy was off, then I was the same, the suppressive, shy guy who I was before.

And that is just a point from many, the shy suppressed, overexcited boy towards girls.

And with drugs I was able to experience myself NOT being bothered with the points, and see some stuff a BIT MORE clearly within me and my mind - and that helped - but what I've screwed up is that I identified the solution with actually taking the substances and not seeing these as these are - a momentary bridge, a tool to see my mind how much I've screwed up - but the REAL CHANGE I must manifest by myself in the moment without anything else but myself here as the decision WITHIN the practical application of the certain specific change.

And for that I've chosen spiritual tools, zazen+aikido first and then tibetan buddhism - however these also effected and in fact affected me and my mind's relationship similarly as the drugs - but I did not see that back then - so I was busy pushing both more and more - the drugs, and the meditation - yet I was always hitting the rock bottom when facing that I've believed that I am already changed yet within reality it was obvious that I did not change because:

-first of all - because I've separated myself to two parts within my perception of inside what I've realized and defined myself already being that, only that, repeating: ALREADY that what I thought through -- with the actual reality within my body was wandering existing within conflict and without: self-direction and self-power and consistency.
-secondly: because with the same points I've kept 'falling' into the habits of what I've already realized if I would have power over myself, I'd already stopped doing so: porn, irresponsible money spending, working as a good-paying slave for fools and still not being able to be within a harmonic and really-supporting and caring relationship within consistency;
-thirdly: also seeing that I still allow being influenced by others regardless of judging it as avoidable, but still playing the 'wanting to be seen as good' role because within I've judged myself as 'not so good' and this self-definition I've put as my starting point within the mind based on positive and negative energy polarities - I was like a really-really complicated, encrypted, compressed perpetum mobile, with *
-fourthly: * I was only able to do is to shatter and explode everything within and as me with extremely intense mind- and physical experiences within what I had some glimpses and moments of what the fuck is going on and at times for instance I was able to write down stuff or I was able to 'bring down' or 'remain resonating it in my essence' - but that was so random, so then I had to walk through so many experiences what I've reacted to with the already going on self-accepted programs so then I was distracted so many-many-many times, what obviously I've judged with thoughts again and turmoil and conflict I've regularly experienced within
-and finally fifthly: this conflict I've defined within and as myself, the experience of extremes of energetic polarities I've defined as myself, the energetic movements I've defined as myself - for example this yogi/kundalini/phowa/chakra/feelings 'practices' I did regarding to the spiritual shit I've learned from tibetan/steinerist/indian/egyptian books and scriptures - that specifically encouraged me to do so and that made the internal feedback system more and more alive, strong and in fact quite rude within and as the manifestation of thoughts/feelings/emotions with what I was still identifying myself directly and trusting these as myself directly and within that disregarding the simplicity and common sense of breathing here


So that was the prologue for how and why I've manifested myself separated from direct, immediate, absolute Self-correction within Self-perfection and definitely I am going to continue this.

[JTL 20] QUORA: Answer: Why I am one Vote For an Equal Money System

My answer on Quora why 

• I am One Vote for an Equal Money System;
• Why I walk Desteni I Process

Alright, here I share my personal perspective by walking these questions explaining why I am One Vote for an Equal Money System
(this is going to be an answer what Quorans define as 'long', if you want a short answer from me: just because I can and because:

• Give unto others as you would like to receive.
• I'd rather try and do things first than defning it especially this paradigm what never really got a real chance with mathematical perfection within the joke of our so called civilization; so:

Would you say you grew up in a lower-class, middle-class, or upper-class environment?

I've  grown up in a tiny village in Hungary where my family was poor, my  mother worked her ass off in a diary sweatshop and my father was tractor  driver in a centralized collective farm within so called communism.
As  a kid I've watched the family adults go eye for an eye abusing each  other around in the game of bouncing back and forth between  irresponsible(drunk, fight, jail) entertainment and surviving, and us,  kids, sometimes we had to work for instance in garden all day or  scavenging on the cornfields, butchering, feeding or my mother took me  and my sister to the dairy factory standing at the production line for  all day at weekends and the main motivator for my education was my  mother constantly saying that 'You will end up in a similar factory  sweatshop just like I do where I've broken physically and mentally - if  you do not become outstanding within education!'

Did you attend college? Did you have to work your way through? Did your parents or a scholarship pay for some or all of it?
My  mother was paying for my living and and for education I did not have to  pay; the 'communism regime' was already 'over' and smoothly started to  become the privatized government(towards in fact a capitalized corporate  totalitarianism what we can observe today) I even got some dozens of  bucks monthly for up-keeping (because of my social status: mother in  factory, father already died in a drunk accident but he was already off from practical reality by so referred phenomena as alcoholism) yet I really had to  spare my coins to have healthy food sometimes.

So  I was pushed towards becoming qualified as much as I could - first as  bookkeeper and programmer in a specialized high school and after that  I've finished a Bachelor of Science on Programming Mathematics in  University of Debrecen and all I've known about my profession in  practice was what I learned by myself in summer scholarship and within  self-organized groups around the college. My interest was about  programming itself, I always had ability to speak on the machine's language, and I enjoyed to learn artificial intelligence, fuzzy logic and to prepare myself be practical  in the economic system, and for that I've chosen to master  Java&Linux solutions for scientific and corporate($$$!) R&D with edgy  buzzword technologies so within that I've specialized and eventually  finished in 2001.

Being  a pupil did not mean I did not work meanwhile - I had different kind of  occupations to cover my expenses just to give some perspective: having  glimpses of glamorous time at a mineral water bottling factory  production line, for a while I was a car-particle ordering-software  specialist with my own driver to move me around to install and modify  the systems in the county for a local company but these did pay really  the minimum they just could, so I kept focusing on learning and  practicing programming and mathematics skills(beyond screwing myself  with chasing butterflies in my stomach referred as 'love' between two  bloody wild parties at the college).

After  finishing the university I already had no problem finding a decent  programmer job what I've picked up in the biggest Hungarian business  magazine and maybe I was lucky, but I had quite amount of salary  immediately right after getting my diploma.
It  was very weird mind-state: I was able to just go out and buy any food I  wanted to, that seemed like 'freedom' for the first time.

What kind of work have you done?
I  am working currently at an international entertainment/media company as  software engineer for developing internal business process driven  website-development workflow-management systems.

I've  tried many different works and lot's of times I've lost my interest to  be a programmer corporate slave so I've left the country and my  workplaces several times and learned other skills what I enjoyed  extensively: arts and music, traveling and different common eastern and  western mind-trick techniques in order to become a more unified man who  can grasp direct power over himself and his existence.

I've  read an extensive amount of fantasy and sci-fi and 'ancient  scriptures', teachings wherein everything seemed possible and I was  really frustrated because very little I was able to discover from those  on this Earth yet everyone always seemed being obsessed with these  things - divine knowledge, angels&demons, magic and great powers,  space-technology etc what until I've found Desteni, I never really  stopped searching, investigating, looking for. I've extensively  participated within  psychedelics and Buddhism for a while and that  seemed really supporting me until the point of facing the decision of  letting all go and start Living really or I just recklessly die  physically because once one is really putting his/her life on these in all ways - these will always fail. So in 2008
I've found the  Desteni message on Youtube because no matter how much I've tried different starting  points and practicalities - I've never really stopped searching and  looking for a new paradigm.

At  Desteni I've found my first REAL education and the re-alignment as  Life-interest from Self-interest takes time and courage but this is who I  am, this is what I stand for, even when at times I am apparently losing  the big picture, I must walk through all my self-created delusions,  manifested consequences.

So this finding out the truth, the real and eternal life-changing truth of myself was always my work regardless of how I've seemed, but as long as I was looking for the answer outside of myself - I could not find me - and at Desteni the answer was given, more practically: the answer is always here as myself but I must develop Self-intimacy, Self-honesty, I must explore Self-forgiveness to change and let go the self-accepted limitations what I was not even aware of.

I've  tried quite a lot of kind of works, varied from basking on street with  music and juggling to working on fields or being inventory specialist at  establishment-related industries such as airport, justice-department or  even working in art shop, surveying, traveling around, studying  alternative communities and lifestyles; being stage-technician or  photographer, amateur cinematographer, just to mention some...

However  without starting my own business in the system I always ended up  working as software engineer for the big sharks as that was(and still  is) the best "spent time on job"/"getting money for it" ratio.


Have you been involved in starting or managing a business?
Business of Self-perfection with Desteni I Process

So by my own investigation and Self-honest writing (some shared here at The unification of man )  and that entails Desteni - Group of people exploring Equality & Oneness principles and Equal Money System and walking the course at http://Desteniiprocess.com I've found that within spiritual or individualist memes I can not trust  as these are always excluding something what is really here as in fact  Self on Earth and a real principle for the Unification of Man - nothing  in existence should be excluded within absolute Self-honesty - it must  be common sense and always as simple as 1+1=2 towards everything and  everyone just like the Desteni Principle is:

-Equality  and Oneness in all ways I am always equal and one with and what I am  facing, experiencing, desiring for, fearing from etc
-Investigate all things and keep what is best for all
-Be  self-honest and forgive yourself what you have accepted and allowed to  manifest to become aware of your responsibilities and manifested  consequences and dare yourself to stop the layers of self-definitions  and change and explore practical solutions for self and for all as equal  as one as Life within and as the physical.

So  it is obvious that we, as humanity are is severe inequality in terms of physical(required) support for instance and those  who has no money can not even have the opportunity to participate within  the 'goods' of democracy - yet we are all accepting and allowing this  capitalistic system wherein the value is in money, gold, profit and  entertainment what is apparently of free choice and human right but this  is always only promoted and protected by the ones who already have  healthy food, water, shelter, health care and basic education.

Because  without that: one is striving towards surviving as there is no  unconditionally Life-support - a some sort of Maslow's hierarchy of  needs - just don't drink and eat for a week and you can have a free  choice about let's talk about your love connection karma light or let's  drink water and eat something healthy. That's simple.

After  visiting some extremely severed, exploited and poor countries around  the globe, I've realized that if I consider myself as Life, I must stand  up as responsible for those who cannot for themselves because of their  financial status especially for those children who will be born because  by the lack of money they face extreme neglect and have no choice but  fighting and surviving with no rules but what others already keep busy  accepting and allowing without real awareness and that is certainly not  something what one would want for themselves or for their 'own' children  - pre-programming, mass-manipulation and aggressive corporate  brainwashing and in fact we are the building blocks of a system what  apparently promotes freedom what is only available by money, what is  being accumulated at peak points by exploiting the energy of those who  are surviving because have no choice if wanting to stay alive.

As  I've mentioned: I've grown up in so called the boogeyman for the west:  communism - it is the same as current capitalism but with less corporate  aggression and more strong government and within communism 'All animals  are equals but there are some who are more equals.' - just the same as  all others - but Equal Money is not about communism, it is:

• Be excellent to each another.
• Give unto others as you would like to receive.
• "love thy neighbor as thyself"

This  is the eye of the needle - who don't get this - doesn't deserve the  power of equals because will abuse it as others without awareness of responsibility. And isn't the best compassion is prevention?

That's  why practical equality within the economic system (eco no me)- that's why an equal amount of money for all newborn  until we can heal psychologically the generations what are hypnotized by  the competition for surviving through money within a literally  cannibalistic system. And THEN we will see if money still required but  first things first.

As  the current system is not equality within mathematical perfection - as  the matter of fact, we can create perfect machines, computers, software,  weapon systems with math and science but apparently not within the  principle of "give and thou shalt receive"/"love thy neighbor as  thyself" - so at least we should TRY first to perfect the idea of LOVE  in and AS the Physical as well by mathematical perfection because real  compassion is prevention and REAL love should start with feeding  everyone's children without the fear of 'I will be no more special and  would lose that what I apparently own.' What is fear of change, fear of  loss, fear of taking responsibility for what is already here.

No  one should really fear from Equal Money except the multi-billionaries  who are lost in mind-oblivion. And even they shouldn't - they might lose  some numbers within their mind but within mathematically perfected  equality no one should - and and no one will be left behind. 

It  is obvious that by rebelling the current system only the corporations will grow as the  government will support them to suppress the rebel-lions more and more  with stronger and smarter countermeasures in order to keep the system  alive, not the actual living beings participating within it.

Within the current democratic system there is a simple and open way to change everything quite effectively without any abuse:

The One man = One Vote act as 1+1=2 simple mathematical equation.

So  I support, promote Equal Money System and I'd rather walk my lifetime  by at least 'trying to manifest it' before judging it because how could  we already know it's bullshit if we never even tried?

How  ever we keep coming up with ridiculous excuses of self-interest until  we do have money, we do have food, shelter, education, health care,  entertainment - and when one has some tragedy around - then would change  - then would feel it is not fair - but in fact this is what we allow in  a daily basis all around the planet just like playing the mind-game of  'I am not responsible', 'I cannot do anything' - yet with Equal Money  one can really love their own family, their own neighbor and in fact all  fellow human beings simply by distributing the 'goodies' within a  mathematically provable perfectly equalized Life-support system.

So  Desteni I Process is a 'birthing tank' for being educated and  educating others equally about these principles and re-align our  starting point with all life equally as the animals, as nature, as  humanity, as the planet etc and empowering ourselves here within the  current system as Self-direction, Self-will, Self-honesty, the ability  to change by principle of life as well at the same time and nurturing  ourselves and each other with a system (within the current system) what  indeed seems to be the same as the other multilevel marketing schemes -  however there are SERIOUS limitations to make sure one can not really  grow over others but limiting  the number of recruits: "You can recruit a maximum number of 10 people that choose to be Agents.",  because the product is education with real care and one can not really  care to support with this kind of education very much people because it  takes quite an effort - so if one is supporting more in the system then  receives more and can make an income for living - and the money is NOT  going towards some greedy anonymous-role-playing 'hiding in the dark'  directive board billionaires but to all other 'normal foes' who are  taking the necessary steps to educate others just like they've received  the same 'equality' education and as it takes investment, time and  energy one can receive back equally the same investment even multiplied  when supporting multiple ones but the system has the common sense limitation to not support greed only physical practicality.

So for long term that is my business but first I am walking through the course by myself.

(Is this already can be defined as 'promoting my multi-level marketing'? I am not sure - I am not making any profit from it, as I am currently only a 'client' as student but if so, then do as your Quora principles required you to do so :)

And giving an other topic here by myself here as question and answer at the same time as equal as one because it can broad this perspective quite in place:

Perfection

Let us game for a moment:

The word  "perfection" derives from the Latin "perfectio", and "perfect" — from  "perfectus." These expressions in turn come from "perficio" — "to  finish", "to bring to an end." "Perfectio(n)" thus literally means "a  finishing", and "perfect(us)" — "finished", much as in grammatical  parlance ("perfect").

or

To Aristotle, "perfect" meant "complete" ("nothing to add or subtract").

Let's see our manifested perfection a bit more practically:

For instance a B2 stealth bomber costs around $2.1 billion.

I  must say, in it's financial budget(limitation), B2 must be perfect within what it's purpose: bombing the shit out of the given locations  within perfection.

There  are almost perfect computer games or graphics cards(for instance the  currently latest video card called Titan containing 7.1 Billion!  transistors to render stunning 3D graphics), banking/transactional/stock etc manifestations within the current system  what are still evolving but only for and by: money within the interest of  some only.

There  are many human-made perfect systems within the current capitalistic  system yet we still delude ourselves that the life-support system itself can not be  perfectly best for all - I can not accept it and never will!

Also if we would just write down all our observations objectively about the current human system how it works and why it would be obvious: it is perfect within enslavement and limitation and the right to accept abuse!

So  I challenge all 'highly' educated foes all around the globe that if we  can manifest perfect systems within the interest of profit - then at  least we should REALLY PHYSICALLY TRY to investigate within Common Sense  what would mean and require and really entail to manifest perfection  regarding to the Principle as Life within the interest of All.

The last thing I am sharing here is also coming from Desteni education as a new paradigm: (an audio by Bernard Poolman on yt who is not special of course just an other really dedicated(started long ago) 'equality for all' foe enjoying being a spokesman currently - (baker is baking, speaker is speaking)):

Self-Perfection

So that's why I am One Vote for an Equal Money System and that's where I stand firmly in and as existence unconditionally  because we must stand up for all what is here to entail what really  means to be responsible and be able to manifest what is really best for  all - because that entails me too equally.

Alright, it's quite a long article but I've checked out that apparently it is quite alright if one answers on a 'bigger canvas' - so I took my time and here now it is clear who I am and where came from and what I stand for.

Thank you very much for this opportunity to share myself here extensively, the English I use is not my 'first language' so that's why I use the words that simply and making some grammar mistakes but I am sure the message is clear.

Enjoy breath and be excellent to all each other!

This is in fact a step within Journey to Life

3- South africa, Desteni farm part 3

may 2

shoulders are getting being relaxed but slowly - several situations still unexplored in this particular point

I went trough the Veno Structural Resonance Shoulder point and it is related to surviving and the surviving modes of generations that gone before me.

One more important realization - I was told what to assist regarding to horses and I have questions within my head as thoughts - and instead of asking them directly as words - I suppressed these. It was about to put some creme onto the horse feet to the nail part to make it a bit oily/wet to prevent damage.
So I saw myself as when I am not myself directing myself to do something - I have the tendencty to question - because I am not directing, I am not fully aware of the situation - so I have questions - but I dont say them, rather first think these...

Because if I am aware of the situation - there are no questions - I direct myself. But what if I do not direct myself until I am not fully aware of the situation - so the questions would mean even excuse instead of direct.
Because in the past I was afraid of other's judgement - about I am not good enough or I am not capable of directing - and instead of changing myself by asking, pushing, doing it - I suppress and I judge and I don't move.
Unacceptable. This was of my past, here I am releasing this construct.
Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of not being able survive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to appear bigger than I am within the human physical body in order to seem bigger, stronger in the eye of others.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be seen strong instead of being here as strength.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as weak physically because I compared my appearance related to other males.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define big muscular male body as strong instead of realizing that strength is here within and as me as presence.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be seen bigger and stronger in order to protect myself from others.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be seen myself as bigger and stronger by posing my shoulders up in order to get what I wanted, especially money, respect from others and women.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to money, respect, women.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that if I have respect of others, money and woman than I am somebody, I can be happy.
I forgive myself that I have defined words separated from me here as expression as presence.
I forgive myself that I have defined words according to fears, desires instead of being one and equal with the words what I speak - as the Living Word.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not being aware of my human physical body, and using it as a tool in order to fullfil my desires instead of realizing that my human physical body is who I am here as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hesitate when I have something within myself - and suppressing it or allowing it to make me think -- instead of standing up and expressing myself and being inner silence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I allow myself to being directed by others without being aware.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I have questions - I have the tendency to suppress questions because I defined to questioning from others as weakness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I question something within myself and I answer it within my mind - it can be deception.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I allow myself to pose my body in unpleasant ways - I have the tendency to not be here as the body, but within my head.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be straight within my sitting and putting one of my feet onto the another what is unpleasant for the body.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my subconscious, unconscious mind system is using the human physical body to generate energetic, thought patterns, reactions according to physical movements, what I am not aware of most of the time.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I have a thought - it is coming from unconscious,subconscious mind and I am allowing the thought to manifest within the conscious mind.
I forgive myself that I have a desire for wanting to express myself instead of directly being here and expressing myself here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have a resistance to going through the SRA lessons, instead of realizing that SRA is the tool of myself, is the expression with what I can learn how my mind consciousness system works and how to practically stop.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to procastinate SRA writings because I defined it as too much time, and wanting to spend my time on other things, by not realizing that time is of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear from not having enough time.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to schedule my day to avoid time-related issues such as not having enough time or feeling that I am not using the time accordingly, efficiently.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I do something, then if I am self honest, then I am the expression of myself without any separation, definition. If I am not able to do something naturally within the moment, then I write, I speak, I ask, I learn.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have a reaction when in my dreams my body releases sexual compound energy.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire after sex instead of realizing that the desire is of energy addiction, the desire is for Unified Consciousness Field synchronisation to regenerate the mind - instead of realizing that I am here as breath as the physical.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to speak up and express myself unconditionally by being here, trusting myself, being breath and the Living Word.

--
ok
about farm life - 5 days left
here is quite movement, people are changing, moving, also animals I see, are changing - for instance I see ducks are growing fast, some people experience some waves, and I can experience directly the people - fascinating to see the whole being, more likely - embrace the being--- but many times still I catch thoughts within my head - even it occurs that thought-chains occur -- mostly I suppress these and I pick up the breathing experience again and push myself into physical and participate in the moment directly -- so these 'jack in the box' memory thought popups I have to deal with - immediately, within the situation - not only suppressing - but realizing, forgiving, changing immediately, absolutely.

But as resonances mentioned, I am regaining my quietness when I am alone more - in the last year I noticed that I am more thinker when I am alone - in these days even these moments are more clear, quiet - I do not need to think even when I am alone...
also there is a point when I am watch a movie - I can define and react even on a way with feelings, these energetic movements require more attention, awareness, intimacy - because if I react - I am separated from the experience, in a way, from myself. Let's embrace.
The more I am within the physical - more the pain I experience
My right direction finger can have pain quite often or some small accidents make it bleed or having pain.
Also my chest can burn when I am not breathing appropriately or naturally.
Recently I had this pain when stomach was more likely acidy then usual - maybe too much fruits or things what I did not eat before I came here...Esteni assisted with some kind of apple vinegar mix and with a few sips it was more calmer...
I assume that experience means that I suppress, swallow things instead of express and sort out.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress things within myself, especially movements, what make me think, energetically charge, emotionally compound - instead of expressing it and realizing and forgiving and changing within the moment.

Writing myself to freedom.
What is important at the moment:
-Continuing relaxing and physically experiencing shoulders - and with that my whole hands will be more physically here as myself.
-Finishing the talamon resonances 2 interview videos
-Making some mind construct writings, raving, ranting, pie charts to check with others directly while I am here -started with Jorn already
-Doing some muscle communication sessions with some people to see how it is at the moment, maybe required assistance
-Finding out how to fix the 'jobs' issue when I go back - by seeing the points, seeing what would assist me and all the most and decide and then script up how to manifest that into act as physical.

2- South africa, Desteni farm part 2

apr 13

today was physical work, with Andrew we were busy to place the main poles into position precisely where the new house will be built up. It was HOT, I had to use suncreme and hat and long shirt to not burn completely. We were speaking with Andrew and fascinating things we spoke.
How the physical workers are handled like less because they are able to make only simple physical work and not able to process and work trough a lot of information - like for instance a programmer or a businessman does. But in fact without the workers - the actual physical work - there is nothing - no houses, no bread, no water, no electricity.
Strange.
Tomorrow I am going to start having Structural resonance interviews related to self-perfection.


apr 15

ok i am picking up the pace around here - I am not defining how I experience - I simply experience - strange, but I am starting to understand what stability would mean according to remain focused on a point.
for instance when I had resonance interview 1 - after that when I push - I am here, no matter what.
When then something is triggered - if I am not as the point - my attention is going to another point - and as it repeats - multiple points I am 'focusing' and as my stability is not yet absolute - as I participate within thought patterns - I am slowly but surely I lose the 'where?' -'HERE'. And then I am not here but of energetic conscious mind, triggered by subconscious/unconscious mind patterns.

apr 16

ok, SRA self forgiveness

Universal organic communication

How to upload as a Living Word
Fears, doubts, resistances

I was not sure that this directly could work when I am preoccupied within my mind.
Then why I allow myself to be preoccupied when I am dealing with sorting myself out here?
Any doubt, uncertainity, confusion is required to leave behind because it is within my physical resonance, and it resonates trough the whole experience and expression as myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed to doubt within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe to others regarding that I am not capable of doing anything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being influenced my teacher back at the end of highschool when she said that she is not suggesting for applying to university, and by being influenced and insulted by her words - carrying trough the years of fear and doubt instead of standing up for myself and be directive and realize - I am here and the doubt is self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think or believe that I am separated from the universal equality as one by being preoccupied within and as my mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to follow thoughts automatically - instead of seeing what was the situation what triggered it and how it came and where it was gone and what was the next step in the pattern what I went to.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that words are the building blocks of reality - so if I stand as my words, as I direct myself to speak and act as equal as one as my words as my deeds - I am standing equal and one with and as myself here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be aware of what my muscle is telling me at muscle communication directly, obviously.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to allow my body to directly communicate to me throughout my muscles as applied muscle communication.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear what my muscles would say about what is here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear to being exposed for myself and for others because then I would have to change because I can not live with obvious, shared self-deception.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear to be seen as self-dishonest what would indicate that I am self-dishonest, and that I am defining myself trough others.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am here and I am capable of stopping self-dishonesties.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to use words as universal equality as one upload here, because I would then being exposed of doubt.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my limits are not real, those are of self-created,self-defined justifications and deceptions based on self-dishonesty and fear.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what my parents programmed into me is not who I really am - it is not who I am as moment as breath as here as the physical.
i forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to embrace the universal equality as oneness here within and as myself within and as breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am here the point of stability as breath as stability point of who I am, where I am and how do I express here.

I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to stand as equal as all life here as the physical.

I forgive myself that did not allow myself to see myself as expressionate and by this definition never allowed myself to explore expression.
I forgive myself that I have been fearful of being expressionate because I felt that I would always lose in comparison to my sister as I saw her as the goddess of expression.
I forgive myself that I have limited myself through comparison to not express myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being expressionate because I felt that I would be exposed and vulnerable.
I forgive myself that I feared being vulnerable and in the spot light where everything is seen, where all my faults can be seen.
I forgive myself that I feared my faults being seen.
I forgive myself that I judged others and found faults with them and I did not want to subject myself to the same amount of judgement that I had placed on another and through this knowing of what I did not want to place myself in the same shose of being judged.



---
Ok Susan(Sunette) suggested two tv-series to watch - the Lie to me and the mentalist - the first one I saw some episodes, with Tim Roth - those are cool - how they read facial microexpressions to solve out criminal cases - fascinating -- I was not aware of this stuff consciously...quite assisting

Ok the universal equality as one upload muscle did not unlock, so I go on the lesson - will see
still picking up this new excercise - I take the time...
I transcribed the resonance interview 1 part - very assisting - it will be for all - so tonight I start to make a text video of it
Bernard told me that physical dizziness can occur if I skip meat for long time, because of "0-" is my bloodtype - that is designed for processing meat - so sometimes I should get some, and I see that that kind of dizzyness can occur when I do a fast strong direct physical move - so tomorrow will see how it goes - so for second time I took some meat, not much -- fuck I was not eating meat in the last two years, but all was fine - except that intense physical movements were less effective and sometimes I even can see stars, you know what I mean...

I am settled in totally, I have not much inner reaction towards people, the place, the todos - I simply act and when inner movement occurs - I must correct immediately or write it down - this is very cool stuff -- and what I notice that this excitement comes up less and less as I move continously - like breathing and walking - before that the excitedness came upon when for instance a half minute I was inner silent and I was moving -- ok not always, but when I was pushing myself for instance I sit and breath -- this excitedness is related to expectations and past experiences, also psychedelic drugs and fear of losing myself as self-definition system program. self forgiveness is required --
at night time I was walking outside in the cool blackness and i was just walking - without anything - walking and be the walk, be the breath - slowly, not rushing, not moving anywhere - simply walking because I walk, so I am walk so to speak - no matter what - I walk as I am here as I am walking - sounds strange, but make sense.

apr 17
Ok, today I was sitting with Marlen and she assisted to go trough the resonance1 interview and fixing my misunderstandings how I transcribed the audio. I want to make the video ASAP.


apr 20 - some days passed - new resonance interview we did yesterday - the first one's sound quality was not good enough, so we specifically repeated the session so to speak - the matrix and self perfection is the topic. so from now own each night after ponytreats we meet and continue walking the matrix.
I am more stable, day by day I experience the difference...In the morning we worked with the horses and what I experienced that my shoulders started to unlock - yesterday this started and today experienced that I can simply be with relaxed shoulders - walking and and some months ago the same happened with my palms - if I push - I can relax my palms - and with the shoulders and palms - arms also become relaxed - what do I mean relaxed? I am breathing and no unnecessary muscle is locked - I realized, I have the tendency to hold too tight my body, especially when I am under pressure or fear or too much focus - so breathing trough is releasing the body locks, and I am becoming more and more comfortable to be within and as physical.
The resonances interview and another talks assists me extensively to remain here. Also suggested to eat some meat at least once a week, this walking through the matrix requires fiber nutritions.
Much changes I will do when I go back - directive, simple acts to sort out some mistakes what I did - will see.


--
Iforgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up immediately when I point out a self-deception within myself - and by that suppression and energetic movement occurs what is avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire things, woman and situations instead of realizing that within the very act of desire - I separated myself from the thing,woman or situation what I desire after.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to react to women in the mall/city like being in the male ego role by wanting to have their attention, by desiring after their attention and by feeding their desire after my attention by judgement.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define specific women as attractive and define others as not attractive and by this definity system - reacting automatically without even being aware of - simply because of how I defined myself and the relationship with women.
I forgive myself that I have defined power and self-trust according to how much attention I can 'get' from others, especially women.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to explore and express and ebrace power as self as presence as here as breath.
I forgive myself that I not allowed myself to stop in the moment when I see a woman who I could imagine to have sex with - by stopping meaning to not reacting, to simply stopping everything and remain here as breath as inner silence.

--apr26

quite busy I am -yesterday my focus point is shoulders - release, relax, experience, embrace, BE my shoulders - and fascinating, as recently(one-two months before it started and it is still waving, but for some time it can be quite continous to be my palms as myself - as the physical body as myself -- my palms I can experience more directly physically --- so as I was wift Grootman and Fidelis - one moment my shoulders kind of unlocked - I realized how much I strain my shoulders, so I decided to focus on shoulders...and relaxing, being and exploring my shoulders physically, here, trough and as breath
shoulders day tomorrow also - and noticing human relationship matrixes as we discuss trough with resonances

1- South africa, Desteni farm part 1

2010 apr 8

just arrived
writing about just arrived

arriving SA JoBurg at customs:a black guy is reading about apartheid

dealing with men who take me to a hotel to get some sleep
noticing how deeply religion is gone into the local's resonance - "god's will", and "god will decide when I will have children" and bullshit like this
I remain quiet lol

i was suspicious about the locals -rumors spread - people told nasty stuff about SA -- but as it goes - they're normal people - it is not like in egypt or in india -- they are smart, their smile more warm than those who are sneaking around - they make me pay a lot but all is safe

For a while I was wondering how much I was in this Budapest city lately and how it's lifestyle ingrained into me - more likely how I allowed myself to be this swampy mood of being who I am as being there and defining myself as I am of Budapest now...
so yesterday I've moved over to SA for a month. Then I will see how it goes...
While I was traveling on the 3 planes - I got much of movement inside, sometimes there were like thought-rivers, sometimes just some simple thoughts were stuck and within cycles it went on and on and on until I said it's over.
So here at the farm is quite an opposite of everything - here is no real wicked busyness, no time after to run, however there are regular things.
The people here are direct, assisting and 'standalone' so to speak - meaning that they can stand alone for themselves quite well. Most of them I already knew through the forum, blogs, vlogs - but many changed a lot by the years - they are more mature, more responsible, focused, calm and expressive and directing

So my duty here is that at 6o clock horse-support happens, I've got a big horse, Hrutman to take care of - or I can say - I assist Fidelis in that and I learn, also at afternoon horses come back from the field, and at 8o clock we give them some apple/carrot/sweet potato
that's great -- I always was amazed by the horses, so regardless the poo and pee - they are great beings, very assisting to work with them - their eyes are speaking

Here I got a room, what Adrian just left today, so I am in the full of comfort with desk, lamp, bed, and I can enjoy the buzzing sounds of the night-crickets.
Later on I am going to record that sound with the camera, that I really like -- so I am going to use it somehow...

Regarding to process it is very assisting to be around people who are not thinking all the time, who are aware of the situation regarding to the mind and the birthing ourselves into physical trough and as breath here.
I've already talked with Andrea about to picking up SRA course, and I've read some pages and I am going to spend many time with the lessons. Also the muscle testing I want to be sure that I am not deceiving myself, to be able to have this stable foundation of muscle communication.

I also talked with Sunette and she told me a simple but very assisting sentence, that 'I will find out that even troughout acting I can enjoy relaxing'.
Chatting with Bernard was also very direct, no bullshitting around, he told me to slowly pick up the resonance and walk and breath with scripting up things and be sure that at a time I am facing one point, but that one really. Like one issue for one day.
also he told me that I am still an outsider so to speak, I should decide what direction I take - like leadership or assisting people or what
that's it for now

-
Here are dogs, like ten or more - they are very playful and this is really great that they are all around.
Timeless is always ready for some ballgame, he mostly brings one or two balls in her mouth just in the case that someone would like to play with her.
I was a bit lazy to not bring the powercore studio effect over here, they could use it extensively in the studio, but that was my decision, so this is the consequence. I did not want to let that instrument go in the luggage what went without me, within the stomach of the airplanes.
Also if soundcard, amplifier, cables, monitor speakers are not great as well - then it's almost worthless the effort what it could give because it is essential to hear flat all frequencies..
This obsession with sound quality is getting to bring it's fruit as I go forward with music production when I go back to my place in Budapest...

So, I've set up my desk - everything is here - the laptop, the emu-soundcard, the camera, the jewsharps and the headphones.
I am going to get a pc-keyboard to make typing more comfortable and a sandal will be also very useful what I am going to get quite soon.

This one month would be kind of enough in terms of finding out how and what direction I would take from this point.

What I want to do is to record different things with my camera and then try to edit/cut/compose them together - let's see that this laptop is strong enough for that. It's almost at the border...AVCHD MTS 1080p24p 24mbps requires a powerplant to process, not speaking about to effect/compress/render it...I am going to try to use after effects to see how it takes the pressure...

Shit is coming up also - when Andrea, Leila and Esteni were speaking in the kitchen about upgrading mind memory when Andrea told that she felt that her memory within her head is full so she can not put more information in - and Esteni suggested to have 'upgrade' to be able to handle more information.
They were making fun of talking about gigabytes and that kind of computer vocabulary and Gian was also speaking and he was not aware of that they are not speaking of computers and then that was fun for me to see him.
So I joined to the talk and I told that yes, that's totally the same as with the computers and he said that using phrases like gigabytes would make Andrea confused and I said that it's exactly the same.
And I felt like I was laughing off of him and handling him like a boy - but I did not mean like that - I also touched his shoulder and I looked into his eye but only for a moment and he was just going off to smoke a cig.
That thing came back when I was in bed that maybe I am doing this kind of attitude for women - but in fact I could say the same stuff with men. Fascinating...more likely it was a personality manifestation than momentary stable self expression...
But that would bring up also that why I am doing this kind of stuff - it's strange...
I wanted to told him that I did not want to be raw but then I did not mention it yet. Later on I felt like it is unnecessary - maybe next time...

Anyways, this place is just cool, everything is provided, I can focus on process here.
Ok.

next day apr9
I am trying the new keyboard out - we went out to city to shopping, today was hot, some moments it was about 35 degrees. So I've bought a hat also. Sandals I still could not get. Soon...
So I am still settling in, I start to get how to handle the horse, Grootman - he is big and quite nice, also has a bit fat belly. Fidelis is showing me how to clean his feet, how to search for ticks, how to clean after him, how to feed etc...
For the first time he looked huge and serious, now I see he is kind and his big eyes are speaking.

I've heard some interesting birds shouting around, I've picked them by eyes, very soon I will shoot them with my camera.

Today I read the SRA session lesson two, I said all self forgiveness aloud, many I had to read up aloud multiple times, I am adjusting my focus back on this.
Many points were shared there as examples how to open a point and ho to walk it around, how to get to it's core - and many things I experienced that is exactly assisting for me at the moment, so I said those multiple times until I was quite aware of what I am saying and what that would imply.
At nighttime I was spending some time with cubase, still setting it up, configuring, installing VST - it's really a great tool, I was exploring with some melodies and effects. This software is the key for musical expression for me.

next day apr10
About cubase it is priority to record, sketch, 'improvise' mostly, some composing thing as well, but not mastering - without the monitor speakers and card - I am almost blind anyway.
We were today again in the town, yesterday I wrote a letter to Klaudia, so today maybe write to others as well. At nighttime I experienced much more stability than the days before - so I started to focus on discipline, and breathing trough the addiction of thinking while I am doing something in physical, mostly something alone, like walking or doing something what I defined in the past as not important, boring etc.
I visited around some people and see how they settled in.
Andrea and Francoise were having SRA muscle commnunication test and I was an observer. I watched the SRA videos of lesson 3 also, many points are getting more clear and I am picking up the paste.

apr 11
I woke up by myself before 5:50 when the alarm would wake me up.
I slept around 5 and half hours, that was enough probably.
So I am continuing to watch SRA lesson 4 videos.
AFternoon I am going to internet cafe with Maite and Darryl and we are going to make comments to youtube videos.

Issues what came up recently are like I am hesitating to do something what obviously has to be done in order to remain quiet for not disturbing others. This stuff was faced once before, so I am going trough this more specifically.

I forgive myself that I allowed myself to believe that when I am moving around with some sound that would disturb others instead of realizing that if others would be disturbed by these sounds then that is probably their issue and I stop concerning until others would tell me that 'you are noisy'.
I am directing myself to simply open the doors and going to toilet and not allowing myself to think around like 'Am I noisy?' or 'Psst' or 'Shut up' or anything - simply be directive and breath and walk and act.

I forgive myself that I allowed myself to concern about others instead of simply be me and if someone is being disturbed, then I will notice that or if not then the being's responsibility to take directive action and then tell me what to do.
It is not mean that I don't give a fuck, simply releasing this fear of being disturbing.

It is mean that I find others disturbing? In fact no, because if it would do like that, then I would use my headphone immediately so then I would not even hear anything and doing what I am actually doing without any disturbance.


so finding points for muscle commnunication session with Andrea

- the pointing finger - as it has that skin problem and quite often having pain on that finger - scars would occur often etc - direction issue?
-suppressed compounded sexual desire/energy would cause enormous pain down there and blocking me intensely for a half an hour to a hour
-focusing issue that I loose the self direction mostly with jack in the box memory
-scar on chest does not heal since years
its like burning from a cigarette - that would maybe be linked to breathing and when I force it unnatural, such as a machine I would operate, then lungs could have a burning experience

Ok and how to work with suppression - specifically when I am thinking while I am doing something
what things I do regularly what I should purify first - as I do these every day
-waking up in bed
-waiting for computer when it loads slowly
-walk around in the farm
-using toilet
-taking bath
-eating -- alone/with others
-taking picture/video
-diswashing/washing/clipping nails/hair
-writing


so these issues are a bit similar - as I am not here as breath as inner silence but I am allowing thoughts running around - and sometimes thoughts just pop up and go or one thought could induce to 'jump to' an other thought, so this running would take me away continously from here - from breath and remain within and as the physical

How I define different actions regarding to doing it alone/doing it with others/doing it in situations/doing it when others would approach to me...

Also when I suppress things, then it is compounded then later on within these moments, when I do not require absolute focus to be able to do that - then I would say, I still have some 'processing mind' capability to run thoughts - or I programmed myself to do these things(below in the list) automatically, like a robot, so then I would not be here, not experience directly, only trough the mind, so then within and as the mind I could 'run' inside - by thinking, experieincing energetic experiences.

as I was working with these SRA lessons - I was like seeing a pattern within me regarding to examples I read - I had a realization what was quite a fast and intense but I am not sure how it was or even what was it really

it was like in an immediate time I was able to process much information immediately - and it was like seeing a road, standing at the beginning, and standing at the middle and standing already at the end from the perspective of seeing it - but that was just like a perception about how it would go if I would go like that but not real
however I was like maybe quantum realizations work like that

like seeing patterns and symbols and emerging and directly experiencing and integrating - strange

it was about jealousy and desire thing, but i can not pick up any issue like this lately, so i just write stuff around here and will see how it goes...
like I was closed in the last several years, after that incident with Esster when we came along and she was like this - she had her new boyfriend but he remained in hungary - and I was with her and I built up a desire along with months towards her - so I wanted to be with her but I said - ok, she has somebody, fuck it, then no - and she was like 'yes, I have a boyfriend, he is that, but he is not here, you are here' - so she was closing in - and after a while I accepted it anyway - and then we had sex, it was intense, energetic and then suddenly she became histerical and her boyfriend was jealous and big shit was that she was totally out of herself and then she felt between two horses because I said: well, this is over now, you be with your boyfriend(it was november and he was to come to meet us in india), so I was smoking and bycicling around in the ricefields while she was approaching me and wanted to discuss this and wanted to be with me, but I was escaping, and I did not take self-responsibility for myself and for her, so she was freaky, so after some weeks, at next country, in Thailand, we split, and we met rarely on that trip since her boyfriend arrived - and this stuff was just too intense, so from that point I skipped to want to be with girl, to complicate things - I was not able to realize that I create these events, I can do different, I can correct the situations, so I rejected some girls around me at the rainbow gathering near the jungle at the beach, rather I smoked.

So that issue has changed recently about in summer when I was with Gy for a while but nothing 'deep/serious' happened, she was not really open towards me, so after 3 months, I stopped the communication with her, because it was not that honest, stable, agreement-like what I wanted...and then about one-two months ago when I met with K and I was faced and I did not run away, I rather opened myself and realized she is very stable on a way and self-honest and not so mindfucked, and more likely bodily expressive than saying too much blabla, what other woman all the time do.
So this relationship, woman thingy - I am kind of opened up and it is fascinating that to see about multiple woman I am with very opened - I am not particularly desire after them, but maybe a bit of attraction - but I am opening myself up as much as I can and will see what happen - but at the moment to have sex it was only with K.

With an other one girl I was like, maybe I am curious how sex would go with her - but when we are together I am rather momentary and expressive and she is not really directing like that - she is being a woman role and I am experiencing this male role to slip in - or not -- and I like to play with this situation -- to not slip in, to not grab her ass literally and take it - but more likely be me as a being and be with her as a being...

but maybe she is with me because of this - because I am not wanting her as woman, and then maybe she wants me to want her as a woman too but that just does not happen...

I mean I have to be direct with her, to get to the point and speak
For instance I jumped onto her on the bed and we did some kisses and she did not looked like resisted - she was laughing and smiling and kissing back and that was like --hmm ok, then wtf to do?
And then nothing happened more, she left and I am cool.

Also before I traveled to SA, Gy popped in to say bye to me and then I was like keeping the distance but after a while we were lying on each other and things like that and whe was kind of opened with me - more likely than ever before - she looked a bit desperate -- she asked me about what she could do in a situation when she has her boyfriend who with she is not enjoying the sex, like she did with the previous boyfriend, with her love, so how she could inform her partner without reducing his self-trust...
I laughed a lot about this and then said her that she should whisper what she would want from him, or speak up about it, or direct him directly in situations what she would prefer...and also I told her that it is already strange that her partner is not experiencing this as she - or if he noticed this already, then why not try new things, change, or speak up?
So I told her that self honesty and direct action as speaking up is required, and she said, 'well maybe it is not THAT important, without enjoying sex it could be also just fine' and I told her that she is absolutely stupid, and compromising herself.

So it is cool that she opened like that and I can assist her but also it is a good point to face that am I desiring her as well?
So she took her shirt and I gave a massage to her...a bit reaction still was towards her but at least it did not consume me into automatic reaction...
She suggested that we could be friends and meet regularly but I told her that our starting point is totally different - as she wants to save the world, she want to be enlightened by the buddhist methods, and she wants love and lot of bullshit thingies she still embraces, perceived as herself...and I told her that my starting point is oneness and equality, self honesty, self forgiveness, not of energy, not of enlightenment or love or saving the world, so if we would spend time together - at some points we would always disagree, so it is obvious that we can not meet regularly, so I said rather no...

let me continue next time...