[JTL Day 224] Decomposing the strive for CONTROL

Home fields

I continue with my personality decomposition, this time choosing the word: CONTROL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want control, to have control, believing because otherwise I have nothing against fear and pain, meaning fearing from losing the ability of avoiding pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always choose the options what gives me the perception of I am in control about something, someone, or myself, because otherwise I could fall into my mind's temptation of constantly bombing me with possible scenarios of what could happen for then all of those I rather have control, because then I can avoid facing my fear, which is losing myself within pain, within time, meaning wasting my time, wasting my life on not being able to do what I want, what I am, who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all the stability I've gained and perceive and experience is because I feel I have control over me, over my situations, over my existence and not realizing that it is a facade, not real, but as long as I experience myself being in control, convinced that I did all I could, there is still statistically a percentage of 'happening' what I want, then I feel that everything is in control, therefore I am in balance, I am alright, I am here, I am 'at peace' with me and the 'universe' and not realizing that it is like walking on the edge of a razor, because it's all in my mind which is never stable, thus I am also not stable.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense within releasing the desire for control, the fear from not having control specifically by each and every single one of currently upcoming fears, so to speak 'systematically' and deal with them with the starting point of 'facing, opening, understanding, forgiving, re-defining, stopping, changing' the point as me as equal as one until it's done, gone, I am here, unified with no more reacting or fearing in any way whatsoever to that one particular point and then directing myself to the next point until I am here, undefined, fearless.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense and the most direct and simplest solution as to understand the need for control and what I fear from losing or facing or experiencing and never getting to the point to clearly see/realize/understand the fact that wherever, whenever I 'control' - it is of separation, based on a polarity, the mind, definition, energy, fear and not unification, based on equality and oneness, the physical, self.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the con word within con-trol and acknowledging that it is of consciousness systems, of separation, of fear, which I justified with that it is what I need, what I have to have in order to survive, to have, to express, to live, meanwhile in fact it is the obvious sign that my starting point is of and as fear, energy, which will not last, thus who I defined myself to be, who I perceive myself to be also will be gone as the same way as it has been created and thus the solution is to dig out/become intimate with myself to the extent of understanding why in the first place I wanted to control in order to realize the separation I've accepted with that particular aspect of self, what I wanted to control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the master of control, meaning not being the slave of control, which was a fear in my early days that I am being controlled by others, my family, my school, the system because I could not get or have what I wanted simply, but I had to comply, to follow the rules, to obey, to accept external control within my life, telling me who I must be, how I must be in order to get what I wanted, such as time, space, money to be able to express myself, to be able to create myself, to be able to live which then I accepted and thus became and identified myself with the apparent 'game of life' as 'game of control' and within that became the system as who I am as consciousness as con-troll.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that who wants total control is in fear, which can be understood, but I've focused only to the subject of the act of control, which by I defined 'power' and by the polarity of that definition having the reaction of 'worthy' or 'unworthy' of my attention, which then I've accepted as automatic personality-brick in my mind as defining who I am in terms of a certain activity, a certain possession of material can have a value which then can be a measure of power, such as physical force, physical matter, so defining value according to things in this world, what with one can have control over matter, over others or even themselves.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that at a certain point within my life I concluded that I do not have power over others - yet but wanted and also the same with the physical existence, so I decided to take control over me so to speak, meaning learning how to be able to really do what I want and not experience any resistance or limitation once I've decided to do something and when actually trying this out and really facing resistances from within and self-limitations then defining who I am as somebody who has the goal to walk through all resistances and self-limitation within himself to be able to have absolute control over himself and thus opening the gate up to grasp control of others and all of existence, which then I've never really bothered to acknowledge, because I've defined that I am at the beginning of this path, and when I am perfectly controlling myself, then I would have the time and opportunity to see my relationship with control and all the while not realizing that the starting point for all of the control in the world was because of a fear, fear of not being able to control myself and thus existence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how this starting point of control determined the development of my personality, my mind, my very physical beingness, expression and who I am today and not being self-honest with myself in terms of really seeing that it's all based on a fear, which then I've inflated and systematized, layered up and managed to build up a perception of who I am and what is 'me' and what I want and why I want it without stopping for a moment and question all of this with common sense and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within all the personality-development I could not include all others within the 'equation of control', so I've injected others as the whole process of finding myself, my control over myself and existence is not for me, but also for all others, because once I would be in full control of me, then I would not have any goal anymore but consider others as well, but for that, at first, I have to focus on me, only me, me, me, me.

Home garden

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the more I focus to my fear, the more I want control, and the more I want control, the more I justify to accept my fear and do according to that starting point to avoid, while not realizing that in fact by that I create what I fear from, I manifest what I resist, I face what I separate from myself until the inevitable point of realization of who I've accepted myself to manifest as which then I have to take responsibility for to unify and solve, meaning to stop the perception of separation and realize the fact that I am one with and as life with all of existence as equal, wherein no matter what I do, there is always consequence, thus to perceive, to express myself only considering me, I create separation, friction, which then I would fear facing and wanting to have control over to be able to exclude from my life and never realizing that if anybody else would face that consequence of my fear, then it is still them, as life as me, so in fact I abuse me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware what exactly I've did in order to have the experience of having control in my life, such as gathering knowledge, learning, studying, practicing, experimenting to be able to have definitions, rules, laws, regulations, memories, images to always be ready in my mind to be able to explain everything, to 'box in' everything, to always be able to feel like 'known' about things, because then there would be some information which by I would know or possibly guess what is going on, what I should do to remain stable, to remain effective, to be able to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the human civilization's law system of what I can or can't do, the belief systems of what is the meaning, purpose, sense of my human existence, what is good, what is bad for me or others and never questioning it, even when by exploring the human world system realizing that within different countries, cultures, there are different laws, belief systems of who we are, where do we came from, where are we going, and always trying to get that answer from outside of me, because if I would find something what is like similar to what I feel, who I want then I would be more control over me, because then there would be a relation with this world, and then I could use that relationship to stabilize and trust within my convictions about who I am and what I should do or what the things really are what I experience in existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always have a reason, a conscience in my mind of what I do and why in order to have a certainty, a stability, a sense of direction to what I do and who I am, so then I never 'run out' of reasons, so then I would never stop to feel that I am clueless, goalless, out of control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that without control I am an animal, an instinct-machine, an organic robot which then goes back to the programming of ancestors, the biology, the survival, the pure self-interest, which from I wanted to protect myself and others in the fear of if I would not have control, I would simply get what I want regardless of others, regardless of respect for life or dignity, which then I would not like because then that would mean losing another layer of control, which is for ensuring that I am 'good'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to understand my desires and fears and how those are related and in fact built upon the experience of pain and the goal for avoidance of fear and within that defining the ultimate goal such as 'love' which then would mean that when I love, then I am good, when I hate, I am bad, and then believing this as golden rule regardless of anything, any reason, common sense, logic, because if then anyone could persuade me that love is not good, then I would become negative, and within this not seeing that I completely given my mind, my self-definitions permission to tell me who I am what I must do and how I must feel, regardless of anything else but of thoughts, feelings, emotions, which then I've defined as much as me as my physical actions.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop to the extent that all thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, rules, definitions, knowledge, laws, reactions would stop within me and I would just be, simply be, without any definition, here, as the physical and explore what is here, who I am without any definition, any conviction, any control, any belief, desire or fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed to accept myself who I am in this moment simply as who I am and always wanting to be in motion in my mind, to always generate energy, reaction, to have a plan, conviction, to be prepared, always ready to explain, to make sense, to use what I have known and trust within these and not realizing the sobering fact that in the very moment I rely on any of these, of any thought, feeling, emotion, I am compromised, given up, diminished as myself, as here, as simplicity, as whole, as present, as unified.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that there is a beingness, a sprout, a seed of life within and as me as who I am here as a human physical body living physical being, which for to open up, to grow, to expand, to really live, I must let go all of the consciousness I accepted and allowed to rely on to know, to experience, to behave, to express until I am here, completely naked in my mind, undefined, unified, equal and one with and as my human physical body without any need for or fear from control and be able to direct myself as self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control everything around me and at certain situations, also others, because I don't trust in them and I don't trust that they could manage to do what I want or what I don't want and also I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control people because believing that what I want from them doing or not doing is important so whatever is important to me I want to ensure that it will be the way I want otherwise I would not feel good, certain, because that would mean what I planned do not happen which means I wasted time on planning and also why I planned will fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control everything because of fear of failure, fear of losing opportunity and chance, resource, time and within that losing myself, because by time I will get old and also die so I must be specific and effective and the more I feel I am not directing the situation the more I feel I need to control it and not realizing that control is always of separation, fear, while direction is the equal and one relationship I should find and realize and express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control where I live by always being able to do what I want and no one should tell me what I should do otherwise I would fear that not I am in control but I am controlled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist things and others and communication when I feel that I am being controlled and that would make me feel uncomfortable and not wanting to do it because that I would define as not me in control, thus I am losing, I am lost, I am wasting resource and time.

Violet Valley

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into emotions based on someone's expression and by that emotion moving/acting/behaving a certain way because within that moment feeling and defining that I am being controlled and becoming angry and within that not realizing that if I totally focus on that anger reaction, meanwhile I do not see where it comes from and why I grow it and from a point I simply want to exert it, become it and then the other person would experience it and would believe that I make her/him angry, meanwhile I know that I am making myself angry for what I accept and allow instead of stopping and always re-assessing, reconsidering, re-adjusting my stance, starting point in order to be able to take self-direction with the point as myself here without emotional reaction, without need for control, without fear from not being able to control, without the fear of losing time, myself simply realizing that also the consequence of manifesting the fear of losing time and myself is also an emotional reaction which by in fact I am wasting more time while being absolutely ineffective, so I immediately, unconditionally stop, breathe here and say no more self-acceptance of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to trust others when I do not trust myself and within that wanting others to be able to do things for me, with me, even when I did not explained to them what I want why I want but only wanting the outcome to happen which is not practical and quite impossible, because the other person do not really know what I want, expect yet still allowing myself to give permission to my mind to be frustrated about it instead of simply realizing where exactly and how I have to open up communication, direction to re-align the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can stop controlling trust based on cons and conditions, rather directing myself and my trust with common sense and thus not needing to worry for giving away my trust to somewhere where I can't expect to have and also realizing that real self-trust which is the foundation of myself, my expression, my being here can not be projected out, conditioned, therefore if in any moment I see that I lose trusting myself based on a condition, an experience, an event, then it is my immediate responsibility to sort that out, understand how I've created that and absolutely stopping participating within and living the change that I do trust myself and within that moment seeing what with I don't and then I continue stopping all doubt and also realizing what are the points/aspects of myself what I can trust and what are which at the moment should not.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to map out myself, my mind, my reactions, my desires, my fears, my trust, my doubt specifically to be able to exactly see what I can and can not trust and what with I can expand my trust or what is with I can't and seeing the reason and considering shall/can I change that and then deciding it and living that decision until I am trust unconditionally.

to be continued with specifying the origin and source points of the accepted patterns of control in my life what are based on self-dishonesty to be able to stop before participating and start trusting myself directly

[JTL Day 223] Decomposing Fear of Pain

Eclipse 2015 March

I continue with the personality decomposition from my last post:

• [JTL Day 222] Decomposing Personality of Fear

The point from where I continue is the state when I feel uncomfortable, pain. Recently I had a taste of it, almost all day I had a headache. I rarely have headaches, but when I do, I experience myself quite differently, mostly notable that my 'sphere of awareness' is extremely reduced, which itself makes me react already like a 'caged animal', because I got used to the experience of actively and passively noticing things around me, which gives the 'feel' of I can have options, not just 'sliding through an experience-tube' by constantly reacting things without seeing ahead.
So it's a wakefulness, a sort of alertness I 'normally' 'have'/'do', which as I see, has a part of personality and has a part of natural self-expression, which if I 'lose', I am less 'comfortable' already and the reason I write about it here is exactly the decomposition and self-honest realization of need for correction, re-alignment as it's based on fear, separation, self-interest.

I do not feel comfortable while being defined, automatically boxed into states/reactions, even if it's coming from within, because it's not practical - the moment is always blooming absolutely uniquely within each breath, so by self-automation I actually compromise myself based on a self-definition, a conviction, an idea or a fear, which the more I accepted in the past, the more I allow to be part of me without questioning, without being able to see/realize/understand it/me and be able to stop, change.

So as I wrote about energy, seriousness and personality, fear - here I add another word-dimension: PAIN.

When I do experience pain, I have the tendency to become much less open, present and my personality gets a goal to ensure to minimize and stop the pain to be able to return to the state of wakefulness.

But what are the points behind my personalities what has been defined/formed and shaped who I am today according to pain?

I walk Self-forgiveness to explore the self-definitions I've accepted to consist of to see what I have to understand/stop and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my goal, reason and purpose to stop and avoid experiencing pain, because defining that pain is bad, pain is changing me, pain is ruining me, pain is destroying me by defining that it takes all my attention, energy to itself, feeling like demanding all my beingness to give into which I do not want to because feeling like losing myself, my time, my resources, my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that when I experience pain, that it means something, when my human physical body experiences pain, it means a problem, which means requires attention and solution.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can apply common sense to ask myself what is my pain actually means and why I experience it, what would be the common sense to do in order to assist/support myself when experiencing physical pain to heal/recover.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is completely up to me to define and act upon fear of who I am and what I am going to do and even when I am in pain - I am still here and my actions still have consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as something to be feared, avoided in all cost, even if it means to realize/expose something self-dishonest/delusional because of the fear of loss, fear of unknown, fear of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge that I fear from pain because of fear of change, because fearing that if I would have pain, I would have remain within pain and within the experience of pain I am accepting and allowing myself to be reactive, self-interested, the opposite of aware and being able to consider my environment, others, which is not necessary, just it is how I've accepted and allowed myself to define as a protection mechanism personality manifestation in case of pain and fear of pain, which I can open up, understand, stop and change within consideration of myself, solution and others as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that within the experience of pain I would do something reckless, irresponsible to myself or to others what I would regret when the consequence could not be changed once I did it, therefore within the experience of pain I try to close down and suppress myself as much as possible to avoid harm and within that becoming afraid of acting irresponsibly which then I would use to fuel to be able to close myself down more and not realizing that by this the more I become automatic, reactive and in fact be able to take responsibility for myself and my surroundings and in fact be able to apply the common sense for actual solution to stop the pain and also to prevent it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately program myself, my personality, my reactions, my physical beingness to automatically choose to avoid pain, even when the pain is not great, long and rather choosing avoiding it than choosing common sense, which does not mean to abuse my human physical body, but for instance when necessary to work hard and it's consequence would be some pain to refuse it within the fear of pain and it's consequence without awareness, without consideration or common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give permission to my mind, my thoughts, feelings, emotions to always have right when it comes about to avoid pain, avoid situation of possibility for pain, and justify it with the reason of 'I should not feel pain and it is who I am'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically exclude others from my consideration when I experience pain with the justification of 'I have the right to disregard everything else but my pain and my reaction/strategy to apply for this pain' without any awareness of consequence and ability to apply common sense, overwritten by the self-automation I've defined who I am in reaction to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can remain here, present, self- and life-aware, within consideration of myself and others, consequences and manifestations even during the experience of pain, just first I should understand, decompose and stop my current personality definitions according to reactions to pain and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as something within I lose myself, within what I do not feel myself, I can't experience myself but the pain itself and not realizing that within that moment what I automated myself to do is self-separation, trying to exclude myself from the pain, the experience by creating polarity in my mind, energetic experiences and within that not seeing that in fact I separate myself from myself and within that split I lose directive principle with/on/as myself and that losing I am completely aware of and that I feel like losing myself which I do not want and never realizing the common sense to embrace myself, embrace the pain.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I fear being changed by pain then I am manifested in a way that in case of pain I will change and within fearing to lose myself who I am in regards to pain actually I manifest the experience of losing the self-definition about who I am in pain and all the while I am not fully myself but who I defined myself according to pain which was not real therefore who I act as in the meantime is also not who I really am but according to the fear and self-definition about pain, which is completely my creation.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that according to the avoidance of pain, the fear of pain I've created myself and my starting point, my personality, my reactions, my actions only within the consideration of my own interest, which I believed who I am and not realizing that I actually am existing also within the rest as well just I've accepted and allowed myself to be completely occupied with my experience, my personality about to avoid and prevent my pain in the fear of losing who I am and not seeing/realizing/understanding that within the reaction to fear I am manifesting the actual losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I activate a personality within my mind to tell me how to behave, how to react, how to feel, how to act, I fear of pain, fear of losing myself within pain, and not realizing that within focusing to this experience and physical reaction to fear I create what I participate within, thus strengthening this fear, fear of pain, fear of fear to such extent that there is no other reason exists but to justify to avoid the fear and pain, even if it's not real, not related to the current scenario I am within.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware of the thought/feeling/emotion process of convicting myself about how I react to fear, to pain and believing that I can't directly feel, experience, be this pain but needing to define/relate to/think/feel/have emotion about in order to process/to deal with because if I would absolutely and totally embrace it as this is who I am in this moment, I believed that I would lose myself or I would change to such an extent that I would again: lose myself and not realizing that what I can lose might not be me at all and within that who I perceive, think, define myself to be according to fear, pain, experiences, situations is not really who I am but what I created in order to deal with myself/what is here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to actually question and explore, realize and understand the origin of pain within my human physical body and my relationship to it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that how and when I abuse and exploit my own human physical body as life-source with the process of mind-activities and within that taking responsibility to stop the abuse of fueling mind consciousness systems within myself with the fear and my automatic reactions to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any resistance to face any fear is also a layer of self-definition of fear and it creates conflict within me which means energy, polarity, friction toward something I accepted and allowed myself to exist within relationship through and as consciousness systems based on words manifested as thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, images and never realizing that what I resist persists and the more I try to separate it from me here, the more I manifest it in and as this physical existence within the perception of separation but in fact I am always one and equal with all what is here as creator, creation and created within equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that to accept and allow systems within me separated from me being directly here is based on resistance, fear, which is of friction, conflict and the only way to take responsibility and become the directive principle of all who I am within and as existence is unification, embracing all who I am existing as today and stop participating within what is self-dishonest, based on fear, self-interest unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the practicality and common sense, effectiveness and directness of the writing/sounding/acting self-forgiveness in relation to all self-accepted relationships I exist and consist of to recognize all patterns of what is not self-honest, what is not supporting all life and simply stop participating one by one until I am free of any fear, any need of separation, any systems of self-definitions, any mind-participation.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that the process of application of self-forgiveness is the process of finding and expanding, manifesting and expressing unconditional self-trust, self-direction and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within the experience of pain I've allowed myself to be defined as the victim, prey, that I can't do anything about it so the best strategy against it is to prevent pain at all cost, even if it means to act upon this prevention at all cost, meaning only considering my interest of this prevention of pain.
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I commit myself to stop participate within any resistance toward pain, to accept any justification and excuse for why not to face what I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest, become in order to realize/see/understand the utmost responsibility I have within embracing, stopping, changing all what is here which is not as Life as who I am as equal as one.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand in every aspect of my breathing life that there is not a single consequence I can escape from in this existence thus the common sense is to face/embrace/unify myself with all what is here as who I am and stop the mind of thoughts/feelings/emotions of self-dishonesty breath by breath within the accumulation of walking the Process of Application of Self-Forgiveness.

I commit myself to decompose all aspects of my manifested behavior which entails, contains, tainted, stimulated, influenced by fear of pain and realize that the fear from changing by facing, experiencing, embracing pain is futile within the fact that the more I separate myself from what I have allowed here in and as the physical, the more I lose directive principle thus unable to take responsibility to stop and change as myself as equal as one, therefore I commit myself to stop running and hiding from fear and within that from pain as realizing that who I am should not be defined or influenced by any fear therefore if I see it within me moving, reacting, I investigate, understand, forgive and stop myself as this self-definition, as this reaction until there is nothing here only the "I am here".

When and as I see a responsibility but I resist it because of any fear or pain, not seeing any gain or not feeling any energy by it - I motivate myself as decision, self-will, act as self-direction without any need for stimulation, gain or fear from lose, based on principled living of what is best for all with practical common sense.

When and as I fear from changing by experiencing pain, I become aware of the pattern what I used to use for avoiding the pain and becoming the personality for avoiding this pain and realizing what is the starting point of this fear, who I am as it's source and what I must be done in order to prevent further pain to cause.

When and as I experience pain, I realize that as I move toward my center of my being and excluding my reality, others - it is a pattern what I've developed by time and the same way I can decompose, stop it and become practical instead of reactive, open and directive instead of closed and reactive by acting immediately with self-trust, self-movement.

When and as I resist losing something within risking, I apply common sense and stop using the excuse of 'not wanting to be reckless and irresponsible' in order to justify fear of pain and fear of fear and trust myself to find my limits and walk through them breath by breath.

When and as I see that I am not trusting myself unconditionally, I stop and I re-align and forgive myself about everything I have in my mind and realize that all is excuse for accepting self-limitation instead of living self-direction so within that I write, sound, apply self-forgiveness unconditionally.

When and as I see that I face timelooping within facing/stopping/changing a pattern which does not support me, I ask for support, not allowing myself to get possessed by the idea of 'I must have to fight this', 'I am handling it', 'I got this' as realizing it is not about myself and within that realizing that within DesteniIProcess course and the group I can express my points to get support without any fear of judgement or separation and within that to realize that when I am able to assist and support others, it is myself who I give support to and assist to within the practical application of walking through self-separation, self-dishonest self-interest and thus re-writing, re-aligning, re-educating, re-birthing myself as life as equality and oneness in and as this human physical body.

[JTL Day 222] Decomposing Personality of Fear

I continue with Personality. Previously I've opened up points  of

• [JTL Day 221] Energy and Seriousness

Which means that there is this point of seriousness when feeling energy accumulated in my mind, a certain personality activates.

A personality is a pattern for who I think and believe I must behave and it has patterns, conditions, definitions and of course limitations.

Recently I was quite aware of one of my most apparently 'powerful' personalities, what I call as 'The Stoic'. It's not really 'powerful', but when I am being possessed with it, it gives that false feel of power, which then I use to shield myself and still become effective and very punctual - well, in fact quite blunt and ruthless sometimes.

I always wondered about this aspect of my mind and I believed that I learned from my grandpa, who had jail time and he was quite a gangster in his time as he had to live in a time where was revolution, street gangs, and he was a good fighter, but this is just information - I did not have to fight much myself.

My father was border-guard in the communist era and I always could understand the military mind and in a certain way this personality can be quite effective in war, because there is like a feel of my inner space and emptiness shrinks and there is this specific frequency of fire within which drives me to play out everything externally - mostly to focus on others, always finding their 'weak spot' and engage, expose and utilize in order to reach/get what I want, which also comes from inside quite automatically.

The most interesting point within this is that I deliberately go into personality, there is mostly a thought pattern before, but sometimes no - and then there is a reaction, an emotion and then when I go into this 'mindset' - to have this feeling of force, power, which fuels me, and I 'ride'.

It's always about a certain reason - and if I can decide that I stop this personality - or change to an other, then it's simple, immediate, which is kind of weird experience, but it's part of who I have become according to the self-acceptance of fear, because it is built on that in it's essence.

What exposes this personality that I am not fully myself is the tension, the drive, the lack of inner experience of infinity of silence, emptiness.

Instead I am constantly in movement, there is no pain, fear showed and it's pretty easy to make others react, who has also fear or reactions and from that moment it's about 'them' and as people go into the 'game' - I ride that and it's weird but once I go into the 'win' point - it's like running upwards a hill and once I ran up, I want to run further and there is no more, I am on the top but I still want to get higher and there is no way and it's like an engine is just running and it's no need for it - then I can have a weird moment of 'What the fuck I do' and I can settle down, because I realize I do not need to fear.

Recently I was asked to stop this because it was not cool and I was immediately able to stop because it was clear that I do not need for this personality, especially that there was no need to either find weak spots, prove my point or even protect myself - and within that moment I realized the ridiculousness of this personality and how long I've created, participated it.

I have several personalities, but I've given to this one the most permission to activate and become, because it seems effective and powerful, apparently can protect my 'mini-me', but it's not direct 'relationship' with reality, it's coming through my limited mind-set, it is conditioned and in fact at certain points it's not effective and what I really lose by becoming this 'stoic, skeptic, bitter, critique' is the humbleness and equality.

The humbleness and humility - towards life and others as me as equals - and I was able to justify that with this personality that I can support others to expose their self-dishonesty, even if it means it's raw, crude, unpleasant, but as it's a pattern, it's limited, I am automated, same as with drugs - gives the ride but not me directing within utmost specificity and awareness, but patterns of manifested consequences, self-definitions, thoughts, feelings, emotions.

As I walk the Journey to Life Process of writing, sounding, applying Self-forgiveness, I accumulate the ability to stop myself and step back and see how it is based on what fear and by that realization becoming able to decompose the patterns which constitute into building up and automatically becoming mind-personalities.

The false sense of 'power' comes from the personality by skipping the moment of being conscious about fear, being actually aware of how I create the fear experience with which I sabotage my ability to apply the most direct solution.

It's interesting to see that schizophrenic people are being judged as 'bat shit crazy nuts' but in the meantime an 'ordinary' human(of course a 'healthy' ego does not refer itself as 'ordinary') has many personalities: one for picking up partner, one for arguing with parent, one for being the good worker for boss, one for being a great lover, one for deal within the ghetto, in rude environment, one played out at parties and the transition, the interconnectedness of these self-definition-based reaction-rule set personalities is so smoothly embedded and ingrained into one's life smoothed with thoughts/feelings/emotions that by the becoming we do not see/realize/understand that it's a con played by our consciousness based on our own original fear to have a feel of stability, certainty, power.

"I am a lawyer, a soldier, a programmer, an artist, a great lover, a Chinese, a biker" - self-definition - limitation, based on polarity, energy, fear.

It is quite brave to acknowledge that I accept and allow fear without any justification and excuse, projection or blame, because then it is all about self as who I am here today. I am responsible, which is quite intense, but simply true and by this realization I can decide to understand, stop, change from my fear to fearless self-expression.

There is also a gift, an advantage within decomposing and stopping automatic personality-activation: the ability to decide within responsible, humble, yet effective way on how to act, respond, which in the beginning feels less smooth, powerful and 'normal' but these are also dimensions for to apply self-forgiveness as a false reliance on qualities based on self-definitions of polarity, condition instead of Self-direction.

I am power, I am expression, I am humbleness - it should not be based on a condition, a person, a circumstance, because then it is not self-direction, but self-automation based on a self-accepted reaction manifesting into action.

So I walk Self-forgiveness to become aware and decompose the patterns which constitute to create, react to, become identified and act upon personalities.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within accepting reactions within me, accumulating into energetic experiences and activating personalities within me with the justification of 'I need this' in order to behave the way I feel I have to act in order to get what I want, to protect myself, to have movement, a feel of power, clarity, obviousness and within that not realizing that it is a system I use as a layer within separation from what is here, from who I am as life as equal with and as all here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the fear directly within wanting to use energy, reaction, self-definition to give permission to be acted out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to protect my beingness in the fear of loss, fear of change, fear of hurt, fear of pain, because I've defined myself according to my changes to fear, loss and pain and allowed myself to be automatic with the patterns I react to fear, to prevent fear, to deal with fear without understanding what I fear and actually why and what is the consequence I cause by this pattern to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I created personalities in my mind, to automatize reactions, behaviors, what I've defined as supporting me, protecting me and not realizing that it is based on thoughts, feelings, emotions, which are based of certain fear without questioning what I participate within, what will be the consequences for me and others.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I define a situation serious, meaning I have something to lose which I do not want and I feel the tension, friction about it, having inner conflict within and react with fear, I create energetic reactions within me which accumulate into personality to activate to feel and behave certain ways, which I've defined as who I am and how I should act in situations and not realizing that it is not self-direction because it's a reaction based on how I reacted in the past and given permission to become automatic.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I lose presence in and as my human physical body and focus my attention to things outside of me meanwhile losing awareness how I am, why I am doing things, then I give permission to my mind to react and act automatically.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware when I act automatically meanwhile listening to thoughts, feelings, emotions and not realizing that I am separated within this - having inner reactions, programmed to come up and react, take away or make me do things what I not realize that it is based on fear and never considering the solution as stop myself going into fear first and see what is actually the point I want to avoid.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define activating personality as feeling good, safe and familiar and define it as myself and by the energetic experience, feeling myself as powerful and not realizing that I am compromising myself based on conditions, self-definitions and pre-programmed reactions to deal with fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that how exactly I've created personality in my mind based on thoughts, feelings, emotions and when and why I go into activation of the certain personalities and not seeing that I want to avoid fear based on another layer of fear and not seeing the whole pattern, the whole dynamics, the whole system, only being identified and reacted to one layer at a time, just like a turing-machine, an algorithm, a fuzzy-logic rule-set, which consists of conditions and reactions, just much more than I believed I could grasp and understand, which is also comes from a fear and in fact not real.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that all the fear I experience is not real, it's just an energy I want to avoid because behind it there is awareness, responsibility, change, which I defined myself needing to resist at all cost, because who I defined myself to be should not change, because then the fear would come up that I am losing myself which is also defined to fear and within behind all this, the interest of me, self, separated from what's and who's all here as equal as me and within this not realizing that regardless of my experience and my reaction, facts are here, based on my actions and if I act based on fear, it's still manifested.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that I can let go fear, I can face and walk through the fear, the valley of shadow of death, which is losing all which is my self-interest, which is the death of who I believed myself to be as personality, mind, consciousness, system, and beyond there is a birth of life, fearless, undefined, direct living.

I will continue to decompose the particular personality I've started to open up here...
I suggest to learn and apply Self-awareness Life-skills with the Desteni I Process Lite Free Online Course:

[JTL Day 212] 1. Realising and living my utmost potential

This is part of the Principles list I am committing myself to stand for. By writing what I accept and what not - I am writing my own screenplay so to speak and see who I am within starting point, writing and practical application, what still requires understanding, re-alignment and practical change.

To change oneself until not reaching our utmost potential should not be difficult - yet how the human mind and body has been 'evolved' into who we are today - we certainly can see that to change our personalities, behaviors, perceptions, reactions can be quite difficult and even almost impossible but with the right motivation, self-will and self-supporting tools - anyone can accumulate into real, practical change.

Already the reaction for one when challenged to change can be revealing - and regardless of the current world system how unequal, harsh and profit-oriented, abusive and sad can be - we all are demanding for change but never considering to actually change what is the closest: SELF HERE.
So these principles are guidelines, reflection-points on who I accept myself to be.

I have been facing a relevant point within my life which with/through I've allowed myself to become directed by as I've reacted to it within the starting point of fear.
This relationship I've developed in regarding to the word and it's meaning: PERFECTION has been proven to be in fact limiting within my expression.
Within my last post here I was writing about this concluding it how I've misunderstood 'perfection'.

I've allowed myself to be possessed with the ideas, dreams, imaginations, visions of what it means something to be perfect, in my mind it 'FEELS' intense and clear, however within actual, PRACTICAL APPLICATION, it is not supporting at all, because what happens is that first I react within my mind with emotion, thoughts and then becoming distracted with it's energy and within that rather focusing to the IDEA of perfection instead of what I actually do, so what I do becomes a subject in my mind, separated from my beingness, which then prevents to express and stand as an equal and one relationship with what I do and thus unable to PERFECT my real, physical application.

The subject can be anything - relationship, art, housekeeping, photography, programming - and within it in fact it is myself I constantly end up judging as imperfect which then obviously never can be good enough.

When I was at the Desteni farm in 2010, Bernard and Sunette opened up this point for me quite directly as there were interviews explaining the difference between the Matrix of Perfection and Self-perfection wherein the first is the system, the consciousness, the pre-programmed, automatized, limited expression of Perfection with the starting point of fear in opposition with the principle of Self-perfection, which means that within this limited world system, in this limited human physical body we still can be able to express our utmost potential, which would really mean Self-perfection.

We always perfect something, our body at the gym, our fabrication of tools, creating systems, food, cars etc but never ever considering the possibility to directly perfect ourselves. We don't even know what it would mean, right? What is in fact self anyway?
To know self means to be able to understand and within that to be able to change!

Especially with the infectious agendas of the New Age, which tries to neutralize the importance of SELF by mystifying or virtually identifying the idea of SELF with EGO which then being judged as not real, irrelevant, while within our so called 'culture' praising and idolizing the justification of individualism by defining it as a separation from all what is here, including others.

So what would mean to reach our utmost potential to me is to not be limited by energy, meaning not a single thought, feeling, emotion to imbalance me from direct ability to see/decide/act based on a consistent and direct, equal and one-based relationship with myself, all parts of myself and my surroundings.
This seems like an overwhelmingly difficult task, but only because not have been explored, only by the ideas of the mind, based on one's interest, tainted with self-definitions, judgements, memories, personality rules, characters layered upon within ourselves so profoundly that we can not directly see/understand/realize what we experience and based on that why we do what we do.

Within the polarity of the mind there is always two-edge of everything, positive and negative and within this Perfection is also can be understood as a two-edged sword, wherein one can see imperfection and with practical common sense it can become an asset, a tool, a cross-reference for not remaining stuck within the IDEA of perfection and then the JUDGEMENT of imperfection but to be able to reflect that back into oneself and real, physical, tangible action.

This means to actually letting go the judgement, the reaction of not good enough, to stop the energetic reaction with it, to let go it's starting point, why I react with this 'not cool' experience, emotion, which if I really look it it is FEAR.

It is a fear that if I ended up with this current state/creation/expression/experience and not being satisfied - then what if I'd remain so, what if there would be no time to fix it, to make it better, to become better etc.

This is kind of a point of practical success so to speak - because if it's not good enough, I re-assess, cross-reference, use common sense and apply what I have realized - but if I stop expressing by reacting with frustration, lack of satisfaction - I actually give up which then manifests my starting point what I wanted to avoid based on fear: imperfection.

So first of all to let go the fear of imperfection, fear of not being good enough, fear of failure, fear of not having enough time to finish, fear of being judged as imperfect to re-align myself to stand and express without fear.

The idea of perfection then also not practical - has been proven already - especially with the fact that how I've defined and created myself around it was based on fear, thus in reality - can not be trusted and labeled as PERFECTION.

Regardless of any holding onto any ideas as oneself has been formed relationship with to be defined - all must let go to stand naked so to speak within oneself and that is actually requires for Self-trust - without definitions to stand, without conditions to express, without judgements to trust: self here.

It's always on practicality - nothing mystical - for instance if I face instability - what makes me stable - at least what with I define and condition my perceived stability and how I compromise it - and within that how I focus on reaction and worry and prevention of instability, instead of accumulating actual stability. Which might start on decomposing, writing down, forgiving and stopping reasons and definitions, judgements and reactions on what makes me unstable.

The mind is a very serious thing and within it one can entirely self-define based on non-facts, for instance if I want to avoid conflict and ensuring to avoid those all the time, because my stability is depending on it - then from a moment of decision to practical solution - it's maybe not to avoid conflict but to prevent to create in the first place. And then realizing external conflict is caused by internal conflict and then to stop that - to stop inner friction and develop absolute self-trust, self-honesty, self-direction - this is practical self-perfection which supports oneself to be able to realize and express our utmost potential.

And we can never know what is in fact our potential until we have investigated, pushed and practically transcended all the limitations of ourselves, which is not really the body, but first of all the mind - as there is enough a single doubt, a judgement, a tiny excuse for one to stop digging, pushing, stopping, changing.

So within this - to reach my utmost potential is not something I can have reason for why changing myself for it - because I have to change who I am today for reaching my utmost potential, that's already obvious, because I can apply self-reflection on in fact being able to see when I compromise myself from within based on any fear or desire, attachment.

And by living on planet earth - it is common sense to become practical, physical, because that is the most consistent, real we can have to 'work with' on reaching our utmost potential. This means that seeing through and facing from the current human system, the actual environmental, nature, ecosystem too, considering my own human physical body, considering other humans as well, the animals, plants, weather and simply work what is here.
It can be seem quite limited, especially with the greatest fuckup existence could being ended up with, is the consequence of self-separation and limitation based on money - but this is who we are today, this is what for we take responsibility and apply ourselves unconditionally without any separation.

One can give up easily within this manifested consequence we allowed to compromise ourselves with called consciousness wherein energy seems to be more than substance, experience seems more important than facts and the mind seems more relevant than life but this is the self-dishonesty we've defined ourselves equal and one with and there is nothing in this existence what can save us from ourselves so we just learn to move ourselves one by one until all are able to take responsibility not only for oneself but for all existence because that is where reaching our utmost potential can start to be expressed.

Who knows who each of ourselves can actually become and what can do - seeing human history, there were - and are - individuals who can show remarkable performance, achievement or efficiency within wide areas of practical application such as science, art, politics etc but did they reach their utmost potential? I am not sure - and my responsibility starts with my potential to nurture and birth myself as real life, which is unlimited, un-compromised from within, not tainted by fear or doubt, not separated desire or distracted by energetic reactions.

One must realize that being able to stop the influence and control of thoughts, feelings and emotions leads to a more direct and effective, practical and physical self-expression, which absolutely not mean to become a sense-less, materialistic or zombie/robot-like being - as in fact we can become one and equal with words directly - to be the LIVING WORDS - to have a starting point, to speak and to act the same. Then what we perceived before as 'important human emotion, such as anger' is self-dishonesty - and yet - one can still express similar but not based on energy, not by reacting to memory, definitions, fear - but express self as sound - as equal and one.

One can find many books on apparent 'masters' try to explain how to reach an other state of mind wherein we are not limited, it can be referred as 'holy spirit', 'enlightenment', 'zen', 'tao', 'flow', 'shaman' etc but within actually applying these with critical starting point, self-honest investigation - these are not really supporting within direct, actual, practical change. There are tons of explanations, support available at EQAFE, DESTENI sites, I was able to understand and let go these methods, ways, perceptions and it is absolutely clear what is the actual limitation, self-dishonesty within these and I am absolutely not saying I am superior or having judgements about the individuals who are still applying these practices, ways, tools - but if anyone is interested on understanding in extreme, practical details on how the human mind, body is related to existence, what are the most practical tools on using words and physical action in this world - there would be a significant mistake to miss these supports. If one would question the support, I suggest to listen a dozen of the free EQAFE interviews - currently I am listening Kryon series and I am understanding so much about human nature, how energy is programmed in the mind and this can be directly supportive within my life, my actual relationship, work, responsibility points.

Within investigating energy itself one can realize that there is nothing really self within it - only the self-accepted relationship imprinted into the physical beingness by consistent acceptance and allowance of layered pattern of knowledge and information and regardless of what kind of energy we embrace or reject - there is the same mechanism, which exists in separation in relation to it's source, the physical substance.
That's why all religious, spiritual, enlightenment, shamanic and other ways what are available in this human world system apparently for the betterment of self are always relying on one's relationship with energy and trying to distract from the source, which is here, the physical.
Only using and by that abusing the physical for experience which always ends with death - all what goes through is so insignificant that it does not really matter - exactly because there no substantiated matter, fact, real physical beingness.

And one can ask why is that, so many effort has been made to not realize our real power to reach the utmost potential, because if we would really take responsibility for this physical earth - we would be able to realize the priorities, the simple principle of give as you would like to receive to practically realize and manifest what is best for all. That is in a way already a potential we have never realized, expressed: to always act with every single act according to what is best for all. What could be more than that, especially if we have never been able to do so?

So to stand up for what is best for all becomes practical, obvious as one walks the process of genuine self-forgiveness yet it is not easy, because within each moment one have to push, birth oneself beyond the mind, the previously accepted 'home' of our perception of beingness and go, submerge, explore, become equal and one with actual physical substance through and as the human physical body, which means to face all what is accepted and allowed currently within ourselves, within this world to be able to stand and understand and stop and change. And it is not 'groovy' or 'hip' but it is something honorable and the way to reach our utmost potential.

Within this realization it is first to stop be defined, reacted to energetic experiences within, which is through applying Self-forgiveness on becoming aware and take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed and to be able to stop - and stop means not fight, resist, suppress but actually change our very core of beingness and really let go the patterns of self-dishonest relationship with energy, information, which is basically fear of loss, fear of change, fear of fear.

It is so ingrained within ourselves the acceptance of the perception by our thoughts, feelings emotions but with throughout introspective, self-honest, cross-referencing, common sense-based investigation these aspects of ourselves can be proven self-dishonest, indirect, separating expressions in comparison of direct, absolute self-expression - only people, who are extremely specific can even consider the reason on questioning oneself to the utmost - it is so easy to accept any kind of limited answer, solution and protect self-interest with excuses and justifications why one should accept self-limitation, but regardless of the apparent insanity of giving away our own values we defined as self but beyond that there is a gift of real sanity of finding oneself and a purpose of not only about self-perfection but to actually give as would like to receive and that is the best for all period.

So back to practical application - there are words to what I've defined myself reacting to quite intensely according to the programming of my personality which was because by this I've defined the way to reach my utmost potential and in fact these definitions have been proven as not supporting - and not these words are flawed, but as I've separated myself from directly being able to express these words as direct expression without the energy of the mind and never considering the possibility to re-define these words according to supporting me and all others equally within an equal and one relationship.

Perfection, Movement, Trust, Direction, Breath, Physical, Power - I could continue with more words but these are just doors to open to recognize, understand and stop patterns of fear - because why else we would have self-limitation to accept than fear? Who would not want to be fully, absolutely oneself?
Who would refer to self as currently is by accepting and being owned by fear? We can blame parents, government, money, but if we really look at it - it is always starts and ends up with and as SELF. There is support and once we stop reacting with fear, there is common sense, there is practical solution, just to let go energy, the delusion of that we need emotions to rule/ruin our decisions - we can express words directly without emotion, but then we would end up questioning our definitions, our values and we would realize there is self-interest only - and if we compass our living based on that meanwhile compromising all life with neglect, abuse - then we are just as responsible with the actual acceptance and allowance as all others equally.
One must find a way to deal with one's perception to purify, to let go the justification of why it is alright for one BILLION humans to live in extreme poverty while in fact we would never want to have that for ourselves, we would never wish the same from them and in fact we might even would blame for them if they were me while we were in the abused situation on not standing up unconditionally for a dignified living. And it requires engaging current systems, even on economic, political level - what is the reason not to go there? Is it the law limiting me or me limiting myself not to understand, embrace and accumulate action what requires for real change. Education, Media, Politics, living as an example, sharing - these can be practical points - if I do not apply it based on a perception, I am responsible for my perception and the actual consequence too.

So if I sit here, fully clothed, having food, shelter, health care and considering my fullest, utmost potential - it is to give to all what I have at least - and within that I can see - how limited I am, how limited the whole human system, the monetary, law, economic systems are - and I could go into blame and separation of - them and me - and I am just like a little fish - but if we see - there are human individuals within those systems, groups, interests - they are using ways to accumulate direction and power to be able to do what they do and even some thing that they do their best for the betterment of humanity but then also comes the question of what I accept as my limit?
There can be also challenge - to find practical ways to change the system - is that off-limit? What is the perception behind that limit? Why? A newborn child has no limits in her/his mind - just explores - and then learns and studies, experiences and suddenly there is limitation.
So then to decompose what is actual limitation - the physical? The body? It has it's own limits, sure, but how human body has it's physical should determine how we create economic, poverty, war? The 'human nature' can also be an excuse - but the greatest secret to power is that we can change.
Once we accept limits, falls, mistakes as who we are, we are like determined to identify ourselves with what we did, what consequences we manifested, but still - self can change. And to find the decision, the will, the power, the trust in self to change is something what only SELF can GIVE for SELF - by letting go with understanding and taking responsibility.

Within forgiving, letting go, committing to let go all definitions that I've allowed automatically to come up and react to and actually re-defining how to express, apply myself according to the principles of what is best for all I am the LIVING WORDS.

There is no such thing as forgiving others, asking anything or anyone 'for' forgiveness, but it works as I - for - give as would like to receive - same principle within practical application by actually exploring the thought-patterns, the emotions programmed into our mind, body, beingness by and as WORDS.

Any spiritual-new-age or religious agenda pronouncing on universal sounds, syllables, words for self-support does not really support oneself, because if we look within ourselves with real self-honesty, the words can come up what we actually are - the exact specific thinking pattern we have to face, understand, forgive, not just hope within some energetic vibration on universal 'words', like 'OM' - those are false paths for self-realization - those are merely just for self-stimulation, accumulating energetic experiences with one can -maximum- patch oneself for a while to behave one's mind. Here is a discussion on meditation.

I've been working with the mind quite some time and with Desteni I am grasping real, unconditional confidence when facing the mind, because 'practicing' spiritual agendas', playing around with the mind, meditating on ideas and quieting, equalizing my mind is one thing but to actually, absolutely understand and 'own' and direct my mind, there is no other way than the process of Self-forgiveness - I could say that I am sorry, but actually not - anyone resisting self-forgiveness will face oneself anyway - just won't have the right tools, practical experience, accumulated self-awareness, self-direction to really stop self-limitations and I guess it's alright if one accepts so - I can only walk it for myself and the best practical way is to live as an example from energetic Consciousness to Life awareness.

Because Life only can be one and equal with and all - and to miss that opportunity see, live, express it as ourselves, to give what I've given by stopping myself before reaching my utmost potential is certainly not me. Thank you very much.

(The images are just for expression, to direct the flow of all of these words, I find more approachable if there is an image once in a while - and are also my expression - snapshots from where I live)

[JTL Day 211] Conditional Standing

There has been some realizations regarding to how I compromise my consistency when I am exhausted, sick which bugs me since a while, thus I re-align here with written words to assist and support within real time physical change. So much things happened and I am definitely going to share all points here.

In short, at times when I am sick, tired, exhausted, I tend to let everything go and focus on resting fully, it's like a program which defines my purpose to rest as much as possible to recover quickly to be able to continue with what I was busy with before the illness/exhaustion.
There is a point when it is supportive to really just lay down and do nothing but there is when I can have a tendency to use it as a backdoor, an old habit to re-create experiences, inner reactions, behaviors what I would not do usually because already 'realized' that it is not absolutely self-honest, for instance to 'fall' into entertainment while disregarding discipline, commitment, integrity and self-honesty.

The mental, emotional, physical feel of 'lack of energy' triggers some pre-programmed behavior to re-fuel the mind, the personality, the act of separation from directly be here as unified and it is of self-dishonesty - I can - and in fact anyone can and should live directly as the flesh of life without the mind, without the fear, the definitions, energy - just substance as expression here.
As much it can sound as spiritual - it isn't - though many spiritual path mention the transcendence or stopping the mind - to walk this path is completely different, which is stopping the addition to energy, to thoughts, to fear, to desires and develop self-trust, self-honesty, self-consistency here - it is challenging, but doable - there is a free online course which can support one to start learning how to assist and support oneself to face and stop the limitations of the mind: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com
I would not suggest it if it would not be that exceptionally supportive.

So: Conditional standing - how and why I allowed to standing up from the mind to become conditional to the mind thus creating the trap of 22?


Let's walk!

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that there is one point I am relying on within standing up as LIFE - and it is the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am deceiving myself within the process of standing up through and as my mind - with energy - allowing relying on energy, meaning when feeling tired, sick, ill, exhausted, in pain - letting go of standing up and holding onto the idea of need to pull myself together, rest, recover by methods what in fact give energy - meaning stopping the process of standing up from energy to direct me and go into reactions such as entertainment, lust meanwhile manifesting conflict, friction within me because exactly seeing I am giving up into I've committed myself to stop participating within.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become occupied with energetic reactions, movements, definitions, within my mind and body and disregarding what is here as reality of why in the first place I let go my commitment, what I've decided to do such as decomposing, releasing, removing automatic time looping which self-dishonest choices I've made, which does not consider all beings here but only myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself of giving up into energetic hardwires within my mind and wanting to feel the energy as this is I've pre-defined as being alive while already proven to myself that this is not really who I am but of consequences and within the self-judgement I create what I should do yet not doing so, defining myself as not absolutely being within direction, which to see, experience, observe feels irritating thus creating a conflict, friction within me of then why I do not stop if I see it and going into the reaction for this conflict instead of seeing exactly what it is and why I do what I do for a deeper understanding.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by creating friction within me I accumulate energy to stand up and never realizing the moment I engage within this that it is of conditions, thus always re-creating the same scenario - standing up and falling - and then using reactions, emotions, feelings, thoughts to judge me and then create friction with what to generate energy to stand up and not realizing that the very starting point of using energy to stand up is of self-dishonesty thus invalidating the whole process of standing up, because what fuels the standing up process is dependent of falling into the mind thus never really standing up but only approaching and 'being failed', 'being judged as failed because of failed'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my standing up was an intent, not direct self-expression because conditioned to friction, energy, judgement, a perception of not good, not good enough thus by that triggering the point of standing up, because conditioned to the idea and definition, judgement and experience of falling.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the energy creation of friction by inner conflict is not me, not real, not self, but of and as fear, in and as the mind thus anything I do according to this energy - it is self-delusion, self-dishonesty and if I react, define, accumulate according to it - I will be facing chasing a mirage and ending up realizing the starting point with I've created it: fear of loss. Fear of change, fear of being without energy, fear of not moving.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be persuaded with my thoughts that there could be any moment wherein I do not have to push, direct, and birth myself as physical but when I could go into mode of entertainment as self-defined and thus creating reaction, friction and losing principle, losing presence, losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that being so close for continuous and constant standing up, I've allowed myself to gain false confidence with what boosting into experience and not considering and acting according to facts.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to practically list and remember the points I've allowed myself to define the reasons and justifications of how and why exactly I've allowed myself to go back into the habit of be the starting point as the mind and thus not being aware what I manifest as consequence until the experience of fall of energy directs me and then I react with thoughts, emotions and then when the energy is gone and facing what I allowed then feeling the guilt, shame and sorrow and then activating wait and hope that next time won't happen because I don't want and also judging myself as not good enough and by that stimulating myself to start to move and then move only and until this shame and guilt and sorrow is fueling and then gaining confidence and not realizing that I do not change, I do not trust myself directly but of and as constructs of habits, personalities, reactions without being aware of what exactly these are such as exhausting myself and then being sick and then feeling low on energy and wanting to boost energetic states with arousal, adrenaline, coffee, laughter, entertainment such as wanting to have sex, playing computer game, watching films, watching things on internet what looks interesting or just I can judge them as negative or positive.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand when and how I exactly lose presence from physical and where abusing my human physical body within the altair of experience, praising the mind and reactions instead of be equal and one with and as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to apply self-forgiveness to points wherein I am losing presence, when I am not directing myself, when I deliberately exhaust myself with the perception of I have to do more until I can instead of realizing it has the starting point of fear of not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to go deeper with the 'not being good enough' experience of understanding exactly what I participate within and why and solve the problem of fear which is based on comparison, imagination not considering reality.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to feel physically fully here when I am experiencing fear in and as my mind, body, when energy moves within me, thought reactions energize, feeling the electric movements from my solar plexus, my muscles wiggle, when not being aware of the physical breath and allowing myself to accumulate it to a degree of being absolutely tired and exhausted and completely sucked into the mind and just wanting to get to sleep and try to recover and start over to stand up.

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When and as I feel myself unstable, weak, exhausted, tired, sick, distanced - I remember - this is a point I've been indirectly accepting to compromise my standing up without ever questioning it - thus I check, whether I am able to assist and support myself without going back to the old habits what with I was unable to be satisfied because the obviousness of self-acceptance of self-dishonesty, thus it is not supporting if at any sign of exhaustion, weakness I experience, define, react-to I allow myself to just lay back into the mind to re-stabilize myself with the same patterns I've been working on to practically let go, stop, transcend and change myself from.

When and as I see that I want to rest, take a break, recover, heal, I do continue to breathe, as presence, as self-direction, even within resting, within healing - meaning continuing with observing the mind, pushing physical presence, exploring practical ways to remain here, directive, stopping being influenced with energy by practical understanding, knowing of how and why I react to what and decide to stop without allowing inner conflict, friction to use for directing myself.

When and as I am sick - I simply rest, without judging, defining blame to myself, I trust myself, I allow myself to feel the pain, the physical state, even if it means to become one and equal with all the pain, suffering, uncomfortability and I stand - there is no way to escape from consequence, this is where and who I am as physical presence and I realize - anytime I escape into the mind - that is not real haven, that is not lasts, that is not really me - thus I accumulate direction, consistency and decision to express within each moment, regardless of my physical state, my conditions.

When and as I am tired, exhausted, hungry, feeling weak, ill, sick - I slow down within and ensure that I do not get lost within reactions towards positive and negative energy - and even if it means not behave as I would want, I realize that is of self-definition and any related reaction to it is still the mind - I trust myself and I express and I remain present, direct, physical, even if it means completely stopping, completely allowing myself to embrace physical presence and I allow and explore, direct and accept to be fully here breath by breath.

When and as I am resisting to rest - I check - am I in my body fully here or I am rushing ideas from my mind to do without considering, more importantly: respecting my human physical body? And I commit myself to consider, physically feel and respect my body as giving what I'd like to receive - unconditional love, care, support, birthing as life.
When and as I am exhausted or sick or unable to do what I committed to act - I look into the circumstances and conditions, apparent choices and reactions I've made to learn more about how and why I acted so, especially when after that I've judged myself as not cool.
When and as I see that I am exhausting myself because at this moment I am not feeling tiredness, however I am certainly aware of that how much I've slept before, how soon I have to wake up as rested yet I am high on what I do as judging it as positive - I stop and let all go and I realize I can trust myself within not falling into the 'constant resting' so while resting keeping up with discipline, presence,direction.

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I commit myself to explore further how and when I disregard the process of standing up based on conditions, especially when feeling uncomfortable, exhausted, sick, ill, weaker, tired - and realizing that if any condition I allow to influence, direct me to tell me who I am - I am not yet myself but of accumulated acceptance of self-dishonesty, which I stand up to breath by breath.

I commit myself to slow down and let everything go when I am losing physical presence and I direct myself to remain here - even if fear, uncomfortability, pain comes - I embrace and stand and remain here, directive.

I commit myself to develop self-trust within to distinguish embracing to remain here and self-acceptance and endurance, meaning it is not to accept everything as it is and to remain so, but from the dishonest mind perspective first to accept the facts here - yet not accepting that as who I must be, but as the current consequence of my past actions and not-actions which I must understand within absolute specificity, naturally, breath by breath, act by act.

I commit myself to explore the practical ways to remain here, directive, within process of self-forgiveness while being in pain, uncomfortability and exhaustion and realizing that I can remain self here regardless of anything if I am able and willing and actually living the re-alignment and physical change.

I commit myself to decompose all self-definitions I accepted and allowed to accumulate within my mind about how I must feel and behave, react to and do when having pain, uncomfortability, exhaustion, sickness until I am standing here with empty, black, whole mind which is me as life as directive principle here within absolute self-honesty in all moments equally.

By listening these EQAFE interviews and working on an Agreement Course assignment some new points opened up which with I will continue in the next post, but to give a direction to it concisely: PERFECTION.

EQAFE is one crucial support within the Unification of Man - the only thing to be really grateful for it is to not just listen, understand but to actually LIVE the words of it, as it is an invaluable support for anyone who is willing to invest time and practical effort within Self-realization to widen perspective, gain awareness and take responsibility for what is really happening within and as ourselves and the world around us.

• https://eqafe.com/p/create-your-change-reptilians-part-353
• https://eqafe.com/p/insecurity-real-change-atlanteans-part-254
• https://eqafe.com/p/a-touch-of-white-light-journeys-into-the-afterlife-part-71

[JTL Day 207] Tiredness vs Awareness part 7 - commitment

Continuing on decomposing the self-accepted patterns in regarding to tiredness which I've allowed to
cause friction/energetic movement within me as realizing that it is not self-honest, not supporting me and in fact I can let it all go and trust myself directly without reactions/thoughts/definitions.
Last time I wrote this:

•  [JTL Day 206] Tiredness vs Awareness part 6 - practicality

When and as I experience tiredness in my mind, in my eyes, in my feet, in my breathing - I consider if I am able to take a break from what I am doing if possible and give myself a presence, a relax, a refreshment without needing to think/define/judge the situation of judging it/myself as I am getting tired - I simply do it without needing to wait for thinking such - directly thus preventing myself from going into my mind.

When and as I feel like I am not present, but still doing what I am doing, when I feel like I start to have a distance, when the emptiness starts to create a void within myself what I would feel like lack of energy and then judging that as 'I am getting tired' I bring myself here, I focus to my chest, my body, my breathe, my posture, my physical senses, my direction here without defining as it is required, simply expressing myself and re-defining myself as presence within physical action.

When and as I would want to do something and within wanting losing my presence, my ability to consider my body, what is exhausting and how and pushing the limits to the degree of 'really wanting it to be done' and not considering physical limits, time - I see/realize/understand that it is not about how much I can push at once to do, but it is about stability, presence, persistence, consistence which means considering how to do things with including resting, respecting and supporting my human physical body as well as equal as one as my will, direction, expression.

When and as I worry of not doing something to it's completion, when worrying of not finishing something if I would stop doing it for a moment of resting, re-stabilizing presence, preventing tiredness/exhaustion then I remember that even if I take a rest/relaxation/replenishment I can be aware of what I am doing and I can remain consistent with my direction/will/presence to continue it with the consideration of the support of my human physical body.

When and as I would start working and not feeling when the body requires resting/relaxing/regeneration I realize it is because I am not here, aware, equal and one with my human physical body and thus accepting thoughts/feelings/emotions to be generated automatically and then waiting for those to tell me how I am, what I experience and who I must be instead of myself be aware and directive in each moments with consideration of what I do while also consider my body, the physical.

When and as I do something such as working with computer or in the physical world with things and I see myself thinking about something, unrelated from the job, or even related with the job - I realize that I can unlearn that automatic reaction and develop a stable presence/direction/self-trust wherein I do not need to think but always express myself here.

When and as I feel tired and exhausted by doing something and thoughts start to arise and I feel getting tired I stop the need to fight tiredness instead of see/realize/understand the reason I feel tired and do something to stop it - and if possible take a break, refresh/realign myself here.

When and as I feel tiredness or exhausted and what I do cannot be stopped at this moment for instance working with others which requires to be done or that specific part requires to be done first to be able to have a break, then I focus to breathing, presence, direction and be one and equal with what I do and push myself out from my mind and realize I am here, my body is breathing here and birth myself in each moment to be and remain here.

When and as I feel tiredness emerging in my mind and feel the lack of energy and dullness I breathe and push myself here and apply self-forgiveness aloud or if not possible, I apply the forgiveness in one moment as a decision to step out from the tiredness and also seeing/realizing/understanding the reason coming up in my mind what tells me to be alright to feel tired such as lack of fresh air, needing water, doing something more time than I am able to do without being tired and that excuses I forgive myself for accepting and I immediately bring myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself, my actions, my attention, my expression based on thoughts I hear in my mind, my head, instead of realizing I can act and live directly preventing thoughts by understanding, presence, direction, self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to notice, see/realize/understand when I am acting, doing something meanwhile accepting thoughts, listening to thoughts, reacting to thoughts, seeing thoughts as myself directly and not being aware that by this I am preventing myself to be HERE directly.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that tiredness is a thought, a definition what to I can decide not to listen but feel my physical body, my awareness, myself and discover, explore, build and express self-trust by remaining undefined.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that one of the reasons I've allowed myself to be constantly stimulated by thoughts is because I believed, defined myself as somebody needing to be instructed, suggested to, told by thoughts because otherwise I would not be motivated, stimulated to act and within that not realizing that all I allowed myself to become is a result of stimulation, dependent on lack of self-trust.

I commit myself to stop any definition in regards to tiredness based on memories, on worry, on fear and as I understand the already accepted patterns in my mind I understand, decompose and forgive myself for allowing myself to be limited by definition, judgement, separation.

I commit myself to be equal and one with and as my human physical body and feel my breath, feel the physical signs my body is giving in regarding to when it requires for resting, relaxing, rejuvenate, regenerate and I commit myself to develop a presence within my body to immediately be able to see these signs to prevent exhaustion, sickness.

I commit myself to stop all reaction within myself based on memories about how and when I used to or supposed to get tired by specific events, circumstances, actions and stop all the energetic reactions within me what I've participated within because of the belief, the perception and the self-accepted limitation of that 'I am unable to feel and be my body directly here and need my mind, thoughts, energies to tell me how it is and what I supposed to do' and within this I commit myself to stop this pattern and I let go this complexity, this system and I direct myself, allow myself to realize that I am presence, I am breathe, I am physical, I am simplicity here.

When and as I see that I am not taking the rest when my body indicates me that I am being exhausted and be obsessed with what I do and wanting to do more and more and not rest because of the worry/fear that I do not do enough - I let it go and I consider that what is really important, I can continue when I am rested and also I realize when I am exhausted I am more exposed to my previously self-accepted tendency of wanting to stimulate myself with energetic experiences, reactions, judgements, thoughts, feelings, emotions which then will accumulate me into moods, personalities, which with I will accept inconsistency, because of the energy comes and go and then by that inconsistency I will not be able to do what I want, commit and direct myself to do, therefore in this case I let everything go of my mind, all worry, fear or even 'being high' from progressing in something and I realize if I really decide and commit myself to do what I want - then the consistent accumulation is more relevant and effective than do it until exhaustion therefore I take the rest and if required I take notes on what I plan to do after resting.

I commit myself to worry of not being able to do all the things I planned to do and wanting to not rest when my body requires it - because of being possessed of the idea of not progressing and generating energy by that fear reaction and using that energy to continue doing what I do and realizing that within the worry I am not myself but of fear, as fear thus I commit myself to stop, calm, re-align myself with presence, inner quietness, simplicity, breathing and remember the reason of what I allowed myself to be obsessed with even to the degree of disregarding my body, my health, my consistency to apply self-forgiveness to support myself for the next time to prevent reacting the same dishonest way again.

I commit myself to stop defining myself as 'I am tired' and whenever this thought pattern would come up I act immediately within re-aligning myself physically here, stopping the energetic relationship definitions and apply common sense and self-forgiveness to prevent myself in tiredness-definition while accumulate self-knowing, self-trust and self-direction to be able to apply rest/relaxation/regeneration when required.

I commit myself to stop worry of not doing enough thus overwhelm and exhaust myself when feeling the mood/energy/condition to apply myself which would indicate not self-direction but of reaction thus I stop it, I realize it and I apply self-forgiveness and realize that consistency, presence and patience is the most practical approach to get things done.

I commit myself to stop the already accepted automatic patterns to energize me meaning using substances, sexual arousal and deliberate anxiety in order to overcome the energetic tiredness as realizing/understanding/seeing that unless I motivate/stimulate/influence/move myself with and through energy - I am separated from myself in the acceptance and fear of not being able to directly be here and aware thus I immediately re-align and change and let go each reaction in regarding to energy and learn to move with and as the physical body's rhytm and presence as equal as one as self.

I suggest to listen this practical approach on tiredness/sleep/mind for further understanding: