[JTL 105] Ranting on the word TRUST

Investigating the meaning and ranting about the memories about the word: Trust

I start with how I've defined trust: being able to rely on something or somebody and then it's there, more precisely: it's always here when I need, so something what I expect, I hope, I want.

Several times in my life I actually concluded to the point that I do not trust myself.

Those were moments when I realized I am utterly shattered as myself and literally became physical consequence, nothing more.

For sure I had apparently 'free' choices but within Self-investigation - I realize choice is never really a choice - especially when it is predictable. Or when just to prove not to be predictable to choose what is not predicted - is still of consequence, accumulation and influence.

It is always common sense what is the real deal: If choice exists, why do we not choose always what is best for all?
Is that worthy? For who and for what and actually why?
So if choice is deliberately to harm and abuse: how is that really free?

Who I am is of choice? So then what I am is of condition and then what is real of me?

Or is that a journey to find out what I am not, then who I really am then again: not of choice, but actual process of realization of who I am is not of choice: and then I am who I am, and if I could choose who I actually am, then what is what really choosing but already myself?

So this choice thing is really ridiculous, considering to be able to choose what is best for me, especially within the consideration of what is best for all. Because then choice is nothing but of consequence - again - and then what is best for all is always obvious, if we are able to consider the facts and take responsibility for who we are actually.

Actually to take responsibility for this big chunk of organic material which is typing currently is merely a choice - as you as well consider this as a possible point of self-reflection of how you ended up reading this right now in this very moment?

What points you walked through and directed yourself by and made being able to pinpoint the very decision what you, yourself made to read through this writing and who you really are within it?

I mean I am not fully aware of this either, but I see how I am acting based on the decision to write. Walking Desteni I Process Lite actually assists me within Self-realization. That is undeniable. Out of choice.

I am translating and within translation it is like I am really squeezing the writing through myself to be able to come out the best possible way to express it with the language I always used as my primarily, natural one - however as within writing I am actually and PHYSICALLY slowing down within and becoming the words I write - in this moment I type this - and this and then that: Hello there! Actually ~HERE~

I am these words within my mind and by that I am not in the super fast graph-thought-light-halo which is kind of untouchable and immaterial yet always surrounding and thought and reactions come one after another so fast I am barely aware of it - no.

Within writing I am slowing down to the physical - literally, like I must otherwise I can not type with full presence - otherwise I just think 100 things and write something about it:

Okay, I can try it: now I try to think and imagine stuff while try to type:
india ex trap realize awake

- you see - these are the keywords for the dream I had in the morning and I have tons of details about that dream, actually it was quite vivid, still - but within thinking through - I am so fast - and the reactions I had - I felt the energy arise in the body regarding to the memory and the lots of words, thoughts, pictures, feelings, the events, the story in that dream - and then I am here.

I know what I remember and what I understand about it - but to actually see - I write it down and by the words I see and I ground myself to the physical and I am stable.

And when reaction comes - I see it and I am still here - not like for one thought/picture - dozens pop up and for that dozens another dozen times dozens - that people trust - and then they feel, react and when it is good then they feel good, and when it is bad, they feel bad - and then they get used to it and that is sort of really fast and then in fact automatic - and then is that still of choice?

The actual associations coming up to specific words are still of and as choice, one by one? For instance the frequent words people use: What then pops up for these ones: Love, trust, fortune, value, taste, energy ?

See - my word of Trust has became automatic, so I acknowledge it: that it is not best for me and best for all either - and I do not say anymore I doubt myself - but I realized until I do not purify and re-define and specify the MEANING of the word TRUST - how can I trust anything?

So for me seems now as a pretty much foundation to investigate.

People do not like to investigate self, right, because that sounds like analytic, decomposing, like ruining the fun of flow, the moment, the feelings - as the religious, spiritual agendas also:

"Do not analyze too much, just ride the tide, blow the flow and feel the dragon of god or buddha or virgin mary jane or king of c(h)oke Ra.

Caution! Achtung, Warning, Attention: Self-automation ahead!

I mean if I really start using common sense on the religion material (any - even as: religion of Self) - I might start question too much and then I am unable to feel the deal, missing the point what is non taken but who am I to judge all mantras but even after all I tried and then I do not say it's bullshit but for me it's really bullshit: then some say I was not enough serious(or was too serious), I did not do enough, did not do it properly or still much to do for some several hundreds of thousand times before eating the fruit of the attainment of awareness.

Well, seeking for awareness, speaking for the devil: look at here: the physical is real. Touch yourself, the chair, the screen: it is fact. Fuck the space in the atoms, be gentle with denial or try with the brick wall, it stops you, test it: that real!

The most stable, reliable, consistent and assisting reality is this, the actual factual, mutual interconnectedness of everything revealing thing is what we have here and we can always reflect back, realize and directly become really aware of who we really are and where we are within our journey of existence: through and as this physical wherein we are all busy breathing all the time. This breath is physical, this is the Life in and as Substance what is here and we are separated from as ourselves through consciousness, energy.

Anything what is disregarding the priority of the physical is apparently self-made choice to go into the mood of flood of the consciousness of mind of energy, which is and always will be inferior and conditioned to the physical existence.

Energy is always of friction of this separation operation of consciousness from Substance.



So - - - - is it MY choice to see what I consist of and entail as the definitions, memories of the word TRUST?

How can I be anytime sure that it is myself who is driving the wheel of my eventuality and what precisely I can refer here as 'myself'?

The more I walk this Self-investigation - the thinner I see myself as 'me' and the bolder I see the Principle of Equality and Oneness as Life - and I am merely nothing but of consequence of energy of words - but as I stand - I find myself as an Individual expression equal to all - and that I walk, and share here.


This could be an introductory for the word: Trust, not much as decomposing but actually playing with the words - or the words play me?

Memories of trust:

I trusted 'my girl' with not cheating on me - and then she cheated me as I cheated her already but only in mind and I kicked her out of my bed, and then years later the same again she cheated me, but this time I already cheated her with my relationship with drugs, not with thoughts of girls: and kicked her out of my flat. Blame game trust of frust rat I was on the fly.

Sad, little heart has broken, well not really, but actually I learned not just give trust towards I hope will be worthy for - it's like the sell fish business: I put my money into something what then comes back more than I did put into(just as a child comes out from the hole I enjoy to stick into: apparently now here; well to make sure it is really good for the children to come, be the con-sider at I on insist and suggest to investigate Equal Money as viable Solution which is Best for All).

So then I trusted with guys who lived with me as we agreed on rent fee to share and they could not afford it and I always said fuck it, I am that good and they eventually bailed out themselves from that situation with their remorse and I was like, be friends, I do not care about some dozens of thousands, well - I will be more rich later on anyway!

And the askers came and I gave, shared, lent, gave away with sympathy and the trust thing was like alright, I trust my goodness here, I am such a great to lean on, come on everybody, free dope for anyone, we do not even lock the door, here is my cabinet, sure, bring your friends as well - oups where is that bass guitar what I've been given to and now it's gone and who is she anyway, looks familiar, alright, I am that good in those parties, it's always alright when the money comes that easier or even for free...

Trusting in the moment, the flow, the reality, the existence, the god, the energy, the drug, the siddhas, the lama, the guru, the acid, the crystal, the hat, the stem, the buddha, the friends, the artists, the girl, the experience, the pain: such a lame deal to figure out in the next moment what is so utterly bursting the bubble of immaculate perfection and the rock below the ocean is really scaring the shit out of me when I think of mother in the last moment and then I am still here and recon-sider my opposition on this word I sandcastled my thin, fragile nirvana to: Trust: I never trust you again!

Self-separation is of polarity of mind is of self-mutilation with each thought can be really personal and intimate but hey: no thing is new, all is the same repeating and accumulating since of the beginning of the sin of our fore- and fore- and fore-fathers and mothers and sisters and brothers we are all here equally in the same boat in all ways, any ways.

So that's about trust for today, I trust facts, physical, as self, so here+now returning back where I was, I just had to push this through and to say I enjoy writing like this, after all it is still a feeling what mostly I do not share because I see the shark teeth in it as biting my body with this energy and keeps me losing if I count on this kingship of consciousness, as an example of disregard practical common sense as fact as the physical.

So I will be continuing on Self-forgiveness on the word and memories about: TRUST and also continuing with the post: reacting to women, as I just started with make-up last time and what else I react to with energy what I do not require anymore but I am going to PREVENT. And I do not fear from it or defining it bad - I just let it out from my system and then I can directly experience it as physical, not as reaction in mind with energy packages separating myself from equality and oneness here.

Summing up Why I experience immediate urge sometimes to end being with my partner and why I still am with her

Ranting about current situation with my partner.


With my partner there are some issues what we face regularly.
I might mention points what I already wrote about - but as these are still here as my reality - I write about these again.

I face the point that I am planning to leave the country. I've decided to be with S, who is my partner since months. The original plan was to leave until June 30.
At this moment it is more practical to stay - but this 'planned end' of our 'agreement' to stand together and explore what would mean to be together within self-honesty - will be postponed.

However I experienced this urge to end it regardless of my stay. Why?

I wanted simply to restart - I made mistakes - and not all of them I corrected within physical living - and sometimes I experience a need for 'pullback', to walk alone again and restart my process so to speak from blank - as there were acceptances by me what compromised my self-honest walk since the beginning from our relationship.

Specifically there were some points what I simply did say that I do embrace - but within moments I exposed my dishonesty as physically I did not - and at moments when I judged our relationship - I wanted to quit - regardless of our agreement on we stand by each other until I stay in this city.

Mostly when I mentioned to her to end it in 'harmony' at June 30, as I've prepared myself to do so, as the original 'plan' was - she ended up reacting emotionally and disagreeing with me extensively and making me decide to end it immediately or end it until I'm here.
That point we faced about 4-5 times intensely and we ended up staying together - however there are still some reactions within me what makes me wonder, why still I become unsure within my already made decision.

Three points I can see within me what would impulse me into want to 'end' our agreement...well it's in fact four.

one
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-an other particular woman who I meet regularly and sometimes I experience temptation however I already considered to approach to start a relationship what we could transform into an agreement - but as she explained her starting point and her desires - I can not give what she seeks - family, love and those things and I never would want such things. Yet we meet and she is alone and attractive - and at one point I experienced self-compromise by 'defining that she would not start with a man who is in an other relationship' - and by that I was waving for a moment - because the trust I did put into her - the directive principle, the 'decision' - instead of myself, here being the directive principle simply unambiguously stating that I am already with somebody and that's more than enogh. Recently I am doing this - yet sometimes I still experience direct playouts from my unconscious what I notice when I am already doing physically, for instance touching her hand.

two
----
-I still experience urges sometimes to engage into sex with my partner - and sometimes it is more than 'gently asking to do so' and I am being moved by self-accepted sexual desire - somehow it's like I stopped most of conscious mind-plays about women and sex, I stopped to watch sexual media, and then there is only one way I allow to go sexually: my partner - so I sometimes am being directed by this point, at least only with my partner - however I would stop sexual activities for a moment, to see, understand, write, forgive and stop the inner reactions according to sex - for instance 21 days of no sex. But that is strongly denied by my partner at the moment, as she told me that within a 'partnership' it is required to do sex.
In other way - it's great, because I experience sex - I do not desire after sex - so the dishonesties about sex(definitions, reactions) might stop if we continue it only on physical level, but at the moment I am still a man of extremes - do it with full power or not do it at all, so I am sometimes doing ping-pong 'between the two edges' of this polarity.

three
----
-my partner is participating with great velocity within tibetian buddhist medhodology, what is obviously self-deception from it's starting point - however when we came together - I've decided to embrace that point and stand and not being influenced and reacted by that at all - yet at occasions I still storm about that - and her starting point is that the basic practices she started(about years to do so), she wants to finish it as she defines it very assisting - regardless of my absolute unweavering expression of it's 'bullshitness' - and about that point - we, as it looks like - never can come in a full unison. However she is interested in self forgiveness - and we did openly speaking self forgiveness about our currently experienced dishonesties - to open up and share shit and express the will for wanting and actually living for changing. But she would never share her insights within a blog or vlog - or using her birth name related with such things. Or for instance she wants her very curly hair grow until her hip regardless of my pushing to cut off - because she wants to see how it would be that long - and she has a 4 years old kid and she fears that if she would diviate from 'looking or acting normal' she would be kicked off from her job and then she would face extreme difficulties to support her kiddo. So she never wants to undertake her inner process(especially self-dishonesties) to be shared on the internet with anybody. And sometimes I see as she exposes her point of view regarding to Equal Money System as an 'ego-play' puppet-game directed by Bernard - and she obviously does not want to realize the responsibility within our participation within the current abuse within the current money system and how practically we could prepare ourselves to direct the situation to manifest something what is best for all. And these are serious points within this and I sometimes 'feel like'(lol) I compromosed way too much by these only one by one as individual points and I want to correct it in a moment like a snatch even if it would mean a crispy end of our attempt to form a one and equal agreement being walked physically. I remember, because of seeing this clearly - once even I wondered exactly as the following: 'Am I this stupid?'

four
----
-sometimes I judge my process, I judge my location and I judge my 'progress' instead of acting within consistency - and in those moments my 'good old methods' try to come out by my inner participation: step out from the current location and try to do a 'fresh new start' alone for instance simply go to a new country and from it's beginning, being very determined about what and who and how I allow to be within my reality. This is a point what I am pushing since 3 years I placed myself into a constancy by staying at the same workplace, but I still experience different facets of my expressions regarding to 'I am at workplace with the people who I am with while I earn money' and the 'private life of myself'.
In the beginning I've decided not to promote desteni at my workplace because I experienced I that might could not handle that without participating within mind-energy, and the importance to financially stabilize myself I preferred, so that's the situation.
Well, the contract by I work - in fact protects me by the word 'diversity' - as no one can start any issue regarding to political or religious or or sexual preference any view what is not directly related to the job unless it is not harming the collegaues or the efficiency of the job. So sometimes, I experience the need to expose it and see how they process my point of view - and by my judgments - I made myself to be sure that many of those would perceive me as a some sort of 'nazi' because of my principle of no middle ground within the process by the following: Do you stand as all as one as equal within oneness and equality and give up personality manifestations of the mind entirelly or not.

So by these four points, I still accept myself to be unsure and by that I am compromising even the possibility to form a REAL agreement - and if I am self honestly looking these points - and if I could do anything what I could do(physically at this moment I prefer not to) - I would move to London to the guy who I already lived for a while before and then by 'walking alone' again, finding a new job and changing my living-conditions to be able to do more Process-related activities, such as internet-activities through social networking, blogging, vlogging, sharing my insights, studies, learnings, point of views from where I came from etc...

But at this moment I already placed myself into a situation where I am responsible for supporting my mother financially and I've decided to be able to afford desteniiprocess/SRA course without any brake.

Again - four points I wrote, and within the next blog post I will write self forgiveness sentences according to where I am aware of self-dishonesty within this writing.

And why I am still with her? At the beginning(about 8 months ago), I did assessed the situation and I came out with that I can handle this and I can remain myself without losing myself with her. Many points we can discuss, and many times she notes to me that I am flying away - not always, but still at points I programmed myself into automatic self-dishonesty(for instance how I 'handle' 'another' women as sometimes playing out something like appears physically as I am initiating with them, and I am not even directly aware of this)

It is obvious that we are being faced extensively - and sometimes in fact I am bitchy for instance by these points - and when she says that this is way too unpleasant for her - I remind her that this should be a self-honest agreement, not a pink romantic continous two-sided self-deluded high - then she replies that regardless to anything we could do so by enjoying it and ourselves without any 'frozen moments'.
So then I comes out with this: I always did quit when I faced conflicts - and still - and never I stood by something as principle, and by oneness and equality - never - and if I decided to stand with her until I do not leave the country - then I should do so.
And she also says this - and maybe I am being manipulated by this point because regardless of my bipolar edgy temperament - she enjoys it(our walk) and me because she never was with a man who with she could discuss points this directly.
As it looks, she is quite similar within expression to my mother and I am very alike within how my mind works as his father - and that's an other point but this writing ends here.