[JTL Day 193] 10. Making Love Visible part 2

Continuing with

• [JTL Day 192] 10. Making Love Visible part 1 as a point within my Declaration of Living Principles.

10. Making Love Visible – through me not accepting/allowing anything less than my utmost potential, I support those in my life to reach their utmost potential, to love them as I have shown love to myself by gifting to me my utmost potential, the best life/living experience and show others as I have shown myself what it means to LIVE.

Going deeper within the purification of the word LOVE through letting go all experiences, memories, definitions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions unconditionally.

It is to recognize that these words are of my personal experiences but to walk through these patterns as self and as others as humanity as a whole supports to stand up to the conscious, subconscious, unconscious layers of the mind which we are not aware of yet accepting and allowing and continuously giving permission to influence and direct our very decisions within our daily living.

This can be reflected back from the news, media, publications, art, music, social media, the law system, the monetary system and eventually how we are living and the responsibility one can take is to assist and support to question the apparently most relevant pillars of our ideas within the human mind such as love, freedom, joy and to recognize the fact that we are very much tainted with hate, enslavement and suffering what we accept and allow within our mind and within the world system as equal as one.

Thus Principled Living within Equality and Oneness to walk through the Self-dishonesty of one's mind is in fact not only one's mind but as more layers become visible within exploring Self-intimacy, it becomes walkable and changeable by self, one breath at a time, one deed at a time and thus creating the opportunity to give that change to all others equally as self and thus really explore what would real, visible, physical love mean for all equally.

I dare to walk through not only the dark corners of my mind, but the light as well, as both are of the same origin: separation from Life here - thus it is to not fall into the energetic polarities but within Principle - walk through each layers of the mind until I am the Unified Man Here.

Also within the alignment and commitment to Living Principles it is to realize that with the starting point of Equality and Oneness and the practical Unification of Man, in fact we can stand as "I am already a Unified Man" and from this standing it is here what must be realized, understood, forgiven and let go completely and change within and without.

So let's walk the mind consciousness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define love with bitterness because at the time I've defined myself to love someone and she rejected me defining this whole rejection, dismissing, neglecting, disregarding experience with the definition of love and feel myself completely aimless, goal-less, without direction and absolutely wasted because of the experience of not getting what I wanted and wanting it more and more and become obsessed with it to the degree that anything else in my life defining as not as important, everything throwing away and only focusing to the subject of the energetic experience of this striving, yearning, wanting which taints my mind, my body, my whole beingness and from that completely becoming this dark, void, endlessly empty veil wanting to embrace the subject of my love like an uncertain, thin shadow, a ghost and within these self-defined, self-created, self-judged, self-maintained experiences overwhelmed with the energy, the darkness, the choking experience of this sad, hopeless feeling of recognition of helplessness of not feasible craving for my love and thus defining myself and love according to these experiences, defining my beingness with these reactions without realizing these are just experiences in my mind, and the more I focus to these, the more energy I give into it and the more it will become inflated and never realizing the physical breath, the physical presence, the factual physical reality as cross-reference, as source, as stability to be aware of and stand as equal and with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel myself completely powerless in the experience of failure of the unfulfilled love and be overwhelmed by the disappointment of this throw-back and define myself as defeated, lost and fallen and feel pity and sorrow and sunk in the experience of cannot let go what defined as most precious, important, profound and valuable and within that defining myself more powerless and more lost and feel myself falling out from my human physical body, wanting to decay, pass, die just to not experiencing this apparently endless annihilation which in fact just an inflated, superimposed inner reflection of my own self-interest, self-centered, self-created, self-image which do not want and can not let go, release, step beyond.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for not being able to direct my thoughts, feelings, emotions, creating experiences within me by repeating what I find unpleasant in regarding to the definitions, experiences, memories to the word LOVE and wanting to understand, wanting to feel positive about it, wanting to change what has passed and believing that if I re-think, re-member, re-play the events what I've reacted to the most, then I would find a way to understand, to fulfill, to change or even let go the complete possession with the subject of my love what I wanted the most and never really questioning what I've defined as such attractive, why I wanted those values finding in another, feeling with another, defining having with another in fact within and as myself in the first place and what is the actual separation I've fallen into in and as my mind, defining as myself to not be able to stand myself here as whole, as complete, as fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to such an extent in finding what is love to the point of wanting to literally die because of not being able to fulfill what I've defined as love and only within the moment of action for destroying myself realizing that this is absolutely exaggeration, false trail and yet not realizing what I was doing but simply going into the another direction of polarity and defining love, woman, relationship as worthless, absolutely unnecessary and falsehood trying to protect my wounded ego and trying to protect it from an other opportunity of vulnerability and giving up the previously obsessed idea of 'love' but only for it's opposite as the hate and vengeance and defining that energetic experience as powerful and strong and interesting, profound and within that never realizing that it was self-hatred, self-destruction I wanted to exert because of what I've accepted and allowed myself to give into and literally, physically become and not being able to stop yet fearing from letting go thus remaining the same exact slave of my own self-dishonesty in and as my mind played out by the polarity game of positive and negative and in fact not changing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself stoic, bitter, realist, pragmatist, investigator, spotter and defining myself, my life, my living to the discovery of truth, because feeling completely fooled, deceived, enslaved and wanting to find a way from the trap of love and hate by realizing both of are not who I really am and wanting to go beyond, to let go, to reborn, change and with that strive by feeling disappointed within both love and hate wanting to find something or somebody outside of me what would be the solution, the truth, the power and justice I've always striven for and never could really feel, become and remain as and within that never realizing that all I was looking for within love, hate, wanting to step beyond polarity was always here, self, in and as my physical location, myself, breathing constantly in and out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my beingness, my source, my life, my substance with always wanting something or someone to influence, tell me, who I am, how I be equal as one with myself and all what is here and within that give into the temptation of the mind, the relationships defined outside of me, through energy, through thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, pictures, images to define love separated from me, thus not being able to be in connection, in relationship, in unification with myself here directly and always wanting to use something separated from me to be me.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that any anger, hate, vengeance, anxiety, confusion, depression I experience, feel, define, accept and allow is because of the relationships I accept to exist with separated from me, because of the self-accepted self-separation, self-dishonesty I accept within and as me and within that moment of giving and being the energy of anger, hate, vengeance, anxiety, confusion, depression I do not take responsibility for what I have allowed myself to be and become and the consequences of what I create with it not only for myself but others in my reality and in fact all and everything within this existence.

I forgive myself that I have not realized/seen/understood that when going into the moods, energies, feelings, emotions of negative, it is not self I feel, it is not directly my physical beingness within I take refugee, but separate relationships and energetic movements which is of conditions, circumstances and allowing to tell me who I am I give permission to not express myself directly but of and as this mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that going into the self-pity and hatred for positive is not the solution, and then going into the positive and definitions of love either and never realizing that these are the same mind manifestations, just the energy polarity is different, but exactly the same separation relationships from directly self here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that falling into the mind to tell me what love is, how to love and what to love and feeling positive and negative, going energetically high and low - I am not existing as who I really am as beingness as physical life but of consciousness systems, personality rules and matrices, characters, what are programmed by others, by who walked on earth before me, by those who I've given permission to influence me in my life through words, images, sounds and never having an absolutely clear moment to realize that by these influences, I am abusing life, abusing my life source substance in and as the physical and because of not realizing it, continuing with it, even protecting it as it would be me, as I would be love as I would be real and never facing the fact that this is not life, this is not love, just a manifested consequence of fear, separation, dishonesty and not realizing that I should stop, I can stop and find practical ways to do it, no matter how difficult can be, how long it would take or what really I have to walk through to find myself here as life as source as substance.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that defining relationships, partnership according to past, memories, associations, feelings, emotions automatically is not myself directly, only what I've allowed myself to manifest through and as the mind which can be understood, stopped, forgiven and change to not participate again within self-honesty, within slowing down within, self-investigation, self-writing, self-intimacy and self-commitments to prepare myself actually, really, physically let go each and every single reaction, definition, judgement.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge that there is hate within myself for what I've allowed myself to manifest in this world, within myself, and hiding this hate with positivity, with hope, with forgetfulness, with obsession, occupation, distraction and automatic personality patterns to keep my mind busy and stimulating and constantly moving and never stopping for seeing directly what is here in and as physical facts as what I actually do and manifest and being responsible for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted to worry and in fact fear to be with those who are defining themselves, their values, feelings, life as of and for love because from knowing myself also defining that they are lost, not seeing, deluding themselves and by judging them diverting my focus from self here within consistency to judgment, projection, blame and not realizing that everyone walks the same mind and my responsibility is my stopping for my reactions and live and all I can do is share and support when it is asked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being influenced by those who are mesmerized by the energies of love because they do not know what they praise for and what they experience and not realizing that judging anyone, blaming anyone will not make solution, rather than first making sure I do not react, do not judge, do not waver, do not change and then express myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope and wait for better times, for to be loved and not realizing that it is myself here who I do not love that is why the need for love in the first place occurs and not facing the fact within self-honesty why exactly this lack of love for myself and why and what exactly I mean on 'love' and what relationships, reactions I react with for the word, sound, letters of love.

to be continued with more memories, judgements to let go

[JTL Day 182] The Desteni of Living - My Declaration of Principle

Hereby I declare these points as commitment, this is who I am and this is what I stand for:

1. Realising and living my utmost potential

2. Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all

3. Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa

4. Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the action of realising I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others

5. Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realising only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others

6. Realising that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take responsibility for myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every moment and live in such a way that is best for me and so others as well

7. Living the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others

8. With taking responsibility for myself, becoming aware of myself – take responsibility and become aware of others in my life, to assist and support them as I am assisting and supporting myself – to give as you would like to receive and do the extra bit every day to see where I can contribute to other’s lives and so my own

9. Living the principle of self trust – as I commit myself to remain constant in my living of self honesty, self responsibility and self awareness, I stand as an unbending trust that I always in all ways know who I am no matter what I face and that in this I know, as proven in the constancy of my living that I will always honour and stand by what is best for all and so best for me

10. Making Love Visible – through me not accepting/allowing anything less than my utmost potential, I support those in my life to reach their utmost potential, to love them as I have shown love to myself by gifting to me my utmost potential, the best life/living experience and show others as I have shown myself what it means to LIVE

11. No one can save you, save yourself – the realisation that the tools and principles of Desteni is the guide, but I must walk the path myself. We are here to assist and support each other in this process from Consciousness to Awareness/LIFE and what it means to live – but the process itself, where you are alone with yourself in your own Mind: is walked alone

12. Not waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world – but that I realise I have created who and how I am in this moment, therefore I have the responsibility to change who and how I am and so the realisation that we as a collective created how and what this world is today and so it is the responsibility of the collective to change how and what this world is today

13. Honouring the life in each person, animal – everything from the great to the small of earth, that we expand our awareness and responsibility to creating the best possible life for everyone and everything and so ourselves

14. Relationships as Agreements: individuals coming together using agreements as a platform to one-on-one expand, grow and develop as individuals in life and living to support/assist each other unconditionally to reach their utmost potential where the agreement is a coming together of individuals understanding what it means to stand as equals and to stand as one

15. Sex as Self Expression – where sex is an united expression between individuals in honour, respect, consideration and regard of each other as equals, two physical bodies uniting in equality and oneness – a merging of two equals as one physically.

16. Realising that by the virtue of me being in this world – my responsibility does not only extend to my own Mind / my own Life, but to the minds and lives of everything and everyone of this earth and so my commitment is to extend this awareness to all of humanity to work together and live together to make this world heaven on earth for ourselves and the generations to come

17. I must in my thoughts, words and deeds – but most importantly in my living actions, become a living example for others in my world that is noticeable and visible when it comes to the potential of a person to change themselves and so change their world. So that more people can realise how we can change this world, by standing united in our self change within the principle of what is best for all to bring heaven to earth

18. I am the change I want to see in me and my world – to bring heaven to earth is to bring into being, into living the LIVING PROOF of a PRACTICAL HEAVEN that can be seen and heard in our actions and words. We are the Living Heaven that must come into creation in this living world.

19. Through purifying my thoughts, words and deeds – my inner becomes my outer, so I bring into creation me as heaven into earth, realising it is not enough to ‘see the change / be the change’ – for change to become REAL it must be a constant, consistent living of me through the words I speak and the actions I live visible and noticeable to all in every moment of breath

20. Realising that my physical body is my temple – my physical body is the living flesh through which and in which I will bring into being and create / manifest heaven on earth as me in my thoughts, words and deeds and so I honour, respect and regard – nurture and support my physical body as I would nurture and support me as equals: my body is me

21. We are the change in ourselves and this world we have been waiting for: and so I commit to dedicate myself and my life for each one as all to realise this, as nothing will change if we don’t change in all that we are, within and without

22. The realisation that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all

23. The realisation that for me to be able to contribute to change in this world – I have to get to ‘know thyself’ as this world and so commit myself to research, investigate and introspect the inner and outer workings of this world and align the systems of today to present and give the best possible life for all on Earth

[JTL 180-181] Friendship, self-interest, idea of self: STOP

Exploring freedom in terms of friends and self-interest

How I've defined friends and related to freedom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who are my friends as my free choice and not questioning exactly why the people who I've defined as friends are in my life and realize that it was not of free choice but self-acceptance in relation to already self-accepted relationships with values and judgements and definitions.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the meaning of friends as having common values, interests and be good with each other is the surface only of facts, interests and dynamics amond the minds of friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the value I've given to the judgements and responses and reactions coming from those who I've defined as my friends and building a polarity within my responses according to how much I've defined the person as my friend thus changing myself who I am according to this definition and value of friendship.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within finding and accepting friendships I've formed relationship within my mind with words based on perceptions and judgements towards the persons as projections and thus not seeing directly them who they really are but of my value systems and my definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define freedom as forming friendship and loosing friendship and even breaking friendship and not realizing that the very relationship of friendship is not self-directed within me but automatic, reactive and based on self-acceptance by feelings, reactions, thoughts, emotions I've experienced with these particular people thus forming relationship with these reactions within me and linking those to the people who I've defined as friends and building who I am and how I behave when being with them or considering them in my mind how they would react to something I would do or say even when they are not here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry to not express myself freely with the ones who I've defined as friends and even with those who define me as friends because what I've defined as friendship is kindness and positive feelings, reactions, thoughts and thus when the opposite would come up in relation to friends such as not kindness, not positive reactions, feelings, thoughts, not expressing those directly to them to prevent them feel bad, to prevent them feel me as not kind, negative with them within the fear of being judged and disregarded as then they would not define me as friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea of friendship, the relationship with reactions within me with those who I've defined as friends and prioritizing this inner relationship projected to persons as more important than express myself regarless of anyone, worrying to lose the status of friendship and not even questioning it and seeing directly what are the values I am holding onto instead of being free of fear from losing something what is entirelly self-created, inner experience only.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to exist within this world without relationships formed in my mind towards other beings because then I would define myself as alone, lonely, lost, weak and uncertain and by seeing this not wanting to directly see these self-dishonesties within me to be able to question why in the first place I am accepting such automatic self-definitions and fear and giving permission to have these reactions instead of understanding how I've created it, how I am participating within it and how I can stop it and be here, simply, directly, physically without any need for relationship within my mind projected towards others which is in fact the very act of separation from all what is here including myself as well.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the need for wanting to define an image and picture presentation to certain friends to stimulate them to react towards me in a way what I defined as reason for the friendship but not wanting to see it because then I would directly and immediately see, always and any time, anywhere the fact that all friendship I participate within is self-interest and I've never considered to re-define the word friendship to be best for all participants, meaning to not accept anything less then who I am and who the other being is and committing myself to stand up and even express my realization on how exactly the self-dishonesty is being played out within myself or within the other but always ensuring the priority to check my reaction first, to stop myself first, to forgive and change myself first to stand what is here equally as one and if I am clear and being able to cross-reference what I experience with the friend and ensuring I've already walked that point and seeing it how I've walked that and being able to support with assistance stepping forward and provide the possible support for not accepting self-dishonesty and how practically walk through such limitation.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within being absolute self-honest with myself and direct here and express that towards anyone and having doubts, suppressions, second thoughts and linking that to others is self-dishonesty as it is not about the other person but myself here which I should immediately stop, understand, forgive and change myself to prevent it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear from losing friendship with anyone by expressing who I am and what I see and what I represent and what I do and stand for and realizing that the value I've given into the definition of friendship is the very act of self-separation from who I am or who I can be here projected out to other persons to ensure the point of external dependency, blame and insecurity to not need to face the very starting point of worry and fear I've accepted to manifest within myself as fear of loss, fear of change, fear of consequence, fear of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define people as friends who are friendly with me, meaning being kind with me, being open with me, being supportive with me and wanting friendship automatically as a cheesy, gloomy good feeling and some sort of bond which is not based on logic, practicality or even common sense but energetic experiences, intuition and self-interest even when not being exactly aware of the starting point of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a worry, an energetic uncertainty overwhelming within me when somebody wants to be my friend and wants to define our relationship as friendship meanwhile I do not really want it and I'd rather not spend that much time with the person because of my priorities and limited time but not wanting to be rude or raw or blunt, not wanting to hurt and cause bad feelings or disappointment and I play along with the friendship and try to bring out something useful or supportive from this relationship at least because without defined value within relationship I do not see any point to continue, especially when considering that my priorities should not and in fact are not based on feelings, reactions, definitions thus not directing myself to be specitic and directive and based on the worry I am manifesting exactly what I've worried from: not being able to focus and do my priorities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define friendship as something I have to maintain and keep up and basically feed from time to time by meeting or interacting or communicating otherwise it would fade away as there would not be something concrete to react to or define friendship by and worrying of not being good friend when not caring with the friendship, meaning taking time to keep up the reactions and the very starting point of the self-created, self-defined friendship instead of realizing the fear of loss means I am already lost it, I only grasp in my mind which is not real thus I let it go, I let friendship, definition of friendship, definition of values of friendship let go, from all, one by one and all as equal at the same time and I commit myself to consider that if I am changing myself with somebody then who I am is not consistent, I am changing based on the relationship I participate in my mind thus I commit myself the common sense of stop defining, stop fear of loss, stop the act based on definitions and consider and act what is best for all participants within self-honesty.

I use imagination practically to expose my definitions and fears:

• What comes up in my mind as the depiction of Gandhi or Mandela or Martin Luther King or Leonardo da Vinci as they would worry about priorities among friendship and their priorities what wanting to do in their lives and then the reaction is that friendship is irrelevant, obstacle, distraction.
• I image a king sitting on his throne and people are approaching him with issues about the kingdom and at one point he stops the flow and says - now everybody let me be, I now focus to my friends, these are important to me, special and more priority to me than everybody else, please understand.
• I image a military general and there is invasion and he is responsible to protect the country - and he has to choose that he is focusing to saving his own family by spending time to come out a plan and use resources to make them escape - or he is focusing to stop the first line of attack meanwhile he can not focus to what will happen with his family and he has to choose which is more important.
• And then I image a priest, or a buddhist monk sitting in a monastery and once considering he wants to have special feelings towards somebody - which into wants to take refugee and define as priority.
• I imagine the 'Last temptation of Christ' movie wherein when Jesus is on the cross and suffering before death and the last temptation he has to face and transcend is when Lucifer(or whatever devilish aspect of him) is casting a spell wherein he is saved, he has wife, children and becoming old after a happy life and in his deathbed when his death coming he rembembers that 'it is not cool that I focused to my happiness' and then he says 'Noooooooooooooooooo' and then he wakes up dieing on the cross and feeling cool that 'yes, I am willing to die in order to 'be the savior for the world' - (haha this is a weird stuff, it was an interesting movie with very cool music)
• Or even I image an existence wherein there is a god who is all seeing and all hearing and once decides to not hear all and see all, only something, what is a part of the whole which is more important to care about.

So these are part of the self-definition, the personality, symbols, desires, the characters I've defined myself to perceive myself who I am or who I want to see myself to be, based on the already-defined 'who I am'.

This in fact comes up not just about 'friendship' but apparently whatever I find as enjoyable and seeing into it and realizing it is of self-interest and then becoming obsessed with letting it all go and then going into the extreme - without really considering what would practically mean to live according to what is best for all - including myself.

There is the point of Self-honesty which is not just to balance out the 'me enjoying' and 'doing all my best for all' - because even within 'I did my best' I see the fact that not the utmost potential was done.

So this is a point what comes up when engaging with a partner also - same as with relationship - until it's not defined and not becoming overwhelming and priority and something to be desired it is alright.

When I see that this day I did all I could do for accumulating what is best for me and for all - if I define myself as 'I did my best' - it is not self-honesty.

If I see what can be perfected HERE that is direct - it is not about 'my best' - it is not about 'me' - but every participants equally. And how practically, physically, every day live my life not balance out personal living and taking responsibility for all what is here within equality and oneness.

As I see within the currently accepted 'norm' within human 'civilization', friendship, relationship, love are merely self-interest, occupation for the fallen slaves - there is no such thing as beauty what I see here on earth - only systems, programs, layer upon layers doing their purpose what has been pre-programmed to act out without awareness, without responsibility for all what is here.

To even try to grasp, consider to take responsibility for self here and for all what is here within equality seems too vague, too crazy, too delusional which I see as excuse and justification to not see what we are responsible accepting and allowing to accumulate every day.

Also to see when I move within the mind when I jump from one extreme polarity to an other meanwhile within my physical action, real practical change I do not manifest - and to reckognise and understand the reasons for not really transcending these patterns.

And to allow the gift of self-honesty to realize what is the most practical way to work with these self-delusions, self-limitations step by step, not making the process to 'spiritual', 'superficial', 'impossible' and not be able to measure the accumulating towards real solution which is mathematically provable as best for all.

I see, realize, understand that writing all down, slowing down within and using the tool of becoming aware of the self-accepted relationship with words through applying self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment and to write, say, act the same is the most supportive thus this is what I accumulate.

So this is what can be supportive to not fear and judge the word 'friend' and it's definition but to see how it can be re-defined to support living in self-honesty.

I will continue to decompose and work with these points in the next post and in the meantime I apply self-forgiveness to already support myself to practically stop and slow down in terms of fears coming up about the word 'friend', 'friendship'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into worry and fear about the word 'friendship' and 'friend' and try to mistify, fog the experiences about friendship and jump around polarities within my mind to avoid stand up to all duality of 'friendship is bullshit, avoidable' and 'I should care about friendship' instead of stand within unification and act each day the same consistant self-expression regardless of anyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with definitions and feelings about friends, friendship and feel bad about not caring about friends and avoid them and refuse them when I see priorities are more important and not communicating what I do why I do and what is my priority and meanwhile fearing from 'failing' friendship and from 'being judged' as 'not good friend' and thus manifesting friction within me and then not focusing to the solution for this attitude, but focusing to the self-created experience of friction, instability and virtual movement around polarities of the mind.

I forgive myself to imagine situations, characters, persons who I've defined as examples for being responsible for all and trying to compare myself towards them and judge myself as not acting the same as I've defined them acting so and generating friction by comparison, jealousy, doubt which with fueling personalities within me to act something out which is not self-expression, self-honesty, self-direction but of fear, of energy thus not stable, consistent and then defining myself as doing it and not doing it and never considering stopping, stopping participating within this and committing myself to practically prevent doubt, fear, jealousy, comparison, judgement one by one, breath by breath and write all down to the utmost specificity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the fear from being self-interested and wanting to be all-interested and not realizing using the pattern of 'self-sacrifice' which then defining as difficult and thus generating friction and manifesting energies, instability, polarity instead of decomposing all parts of self-interest, all ideas of a separate self, all image and likenesses of who I am or who I want to become and realize that I can live directly here physically and whatever comes up stopping me doing so I can write, forgive, stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define freedom as not having friends, not needing friends, not having individuals as specials and being able to handle and see and act towards all equally based on images, definitions, memories, stories, characters and then comparing myself towards these and react and fear and not realizing that who I really am I can not know until I let everything go and explore who I am undefined - and to really know myself is only possible by allowing myself to live freely of definitions, freely from fear, freely from any idea of freedom and realizing I am in an existence being shared with all equally and real freedom is always relate and see this interconnectedness with all here within each moment.

I commit myself to stop myself eating up about friendship and reacting to how I act or not act according to definitions of friendship and I decide to stop reacting but using common sense, trust myself and decide and communicate clearly.

I commit myself if people expect things from me, preventing myself to go fear of being judged, fear of loss (of friendship) by understanding that it is an idea in the mind based on judgements, so I let all go, I use common sense and I trust myself to act according to what I currently self-honestly see as best for me and for all equally.

I commit myself to stop fear from falling into reactions about fear - and I stop and re-align myself whenever I see I am participating within definition of friendship and judgement and expectation and fear - each time I stop participate, I commit myself to let it go and live freely of these limits.

[JTL 163] Mystical Drug Experiences are like Ant inspecting a Lamborghini

Desteni Artists - Ant Inspecting Lamborghini by Bernard Poolman (picture is link)

I dare to question the drug-induced holy/mystical/oneness/bliss/enlightenment/god-experiences.

Question Everything

• Are they really relevant experiences or those are just the mind's play, an other level of enslavement?
• Do the people had experienced these really are able to apply this within their life and become more whole/effective/supportive for themselves and others?
• If we are absolutely self-honest and question these experiences, are we capable of really-really trust in these experiences?
• Do we really need to take mind-blowing drugs to figure out what would be the ACTION OF WHAT IS BEST FOR ALL?
• Isn't the utmost divine/god-like/enlightened act to accumulate physical consequences towards what is best for all?
• What is blocking individual human beings and humanity as a whole to simply consider the fact that what is best for all is what is best for the one?
• What is actually blocking to use our brain/imagination/logical mind to realize what must be done in order to manifest in this physical system what is best for ourselves and all others?
• Do we really need drugs to shatter/explode/intensify/zoom/effect our mind to consider what direction we should change in order to become a better/more effective/more practical person?
• What is really better for individuals and humanity as a group altogether than do we have currently?
• What do we really experience during mind-blowing drug experiences?
• Why do we really believe what we experience as divine/god-like/mystical/enlightened?
• What is the point what should be considered to use common sense and see beyond our experiences and consider facts and practical solutions?
• What are the current excuses do we have for not being able to figure out what is really here and claiming we need to blow our mind in order to see beyond our accepted limitations?

These are just introductory questions, I mean - to question everything should not be a question because until I am on a quest for what is truth - I am not here, I am amazed in the journey through a maze of consciousness experiences in my mind while I am separated from what is really here as truth as this physical reality, Earth, ground, animals, plants, dirt, air, other humans and lot's of manifested consequences what are already proven not to be best for all what must be addressed with common sense to sort out.

Some people do use mind-blowing drugs to experience 'beyond the veil' and some claim for this life-changing experiences.

Here is the interview with Bernard Poolman about drugs.

"What is being accessed during the use of drugs is the mind, on become more aware of either a segment or a more complete picture of the mind. Obviously many then claim that they had a divine experience and they have become more knowledgeable, even wise and they have experienced oneness, they have touched god, all kinds of stuff.
I have a really sad news for you because to give you a context of your experience what you are actually seeing is to look at
An ant inspecting a Lamborghini. For the ant the Lamborghini look amazing and out of this world but even in this world the Lamborghini is completely irrelevant. Your experience is completely irrelevant. Your oneness experience is simply you're becoming aware of that you are part of a system that controls you within which you do not exist at all. Nothing what is experienced while on drugs is real. And as I mentioned you will give me many excuses and wonderful things because apparently their experience was something divine. It isn't. It's just your mind.
Now if your mind is to such an extent superior to you and you are mostly unable to actually contain, direct or orchestrate or connect or map your own thoughts, ~nevermind your memories, you can't even remember what happened during your life? How can you trust any of your perceptional insights? How can you trust any of the knowledge you hide behind? How can you trust anything that you are experiencing?
Careful! Delusion! Delusion! Delusion! Illusion! Illusion. The word illusion is very specific. It says you are losing. You'll lose yourself completely. And there is no divine spark waiting, there is no great merging with the great spirit waiting. It was all a lie. Time to take your hands out of the pocket and to start to find way to sort out this reality because you are here as the result of the sins of your fathers.
What you are busy doing is creating the future of your children. You are responsible as your fathers and great-fathers and forefathers were responsible.
Time to take responsibility..."

My experiences

I've had - really had - countless of experiences on various drugs, mostly with what are referred as 'psychedelics' - from smal spliffs to horrendous dosages for surreal trips and everything I've experienced was just an experience - not reality.

I've SEEN things, I've seen through levels of consciousness systems, I've seen dimensions, worlds, constructs many and many-many more - but honestly, in the current life I live on Earth, in this body, how these contribute for the problems I face in terms of finding practical solutions? In no way whatsoever. All I've realized was that it's all perception, it's all illusion what I perceive but that does not mean this reality is an illusion.
The experience is what with we relate and then reacting to experience we are being stimulated by- drugs are only catalyzers only.

Just like those mainstream hollywood action flicks wherein hundreds of people are working hard for a year on visualizing and sounding the screenplay perfectly and then starting the production by artistic camera moves towards the movie's peak moment where the hero says something apparently relevant message like 'you have to love yourself' or 'family first' with emotion-tweaking music and oversaturated visuals and you might have wet eyes and a tiny automated nodding and then the movie continues with destructive car chasing, bloody shooting rage and nonsensical fistfight between the ultimate good and evil and then the winner hugs his model-like half-plastic masked babe and pans away with a kiss in the sunset hearing groovy music.

Not a bad analogy if I see that tripping on drugs takes soooooo much time while we are entertained within our mind, not being really here, not being able to take full responsibility, not even be able to walk through traffic or even speak properly - but we can see like Van Gogh's paintings or watch plants as breathing and glowing fractals and see our thinking like cartoon's bubbles falling apart, explode or dissolve while connect with the music completely and experience intensity and bliss - but meanwhile we should not drive as we are so flying high we are completely off-track from phyisical reality and it feels so more real, more free that we'd want to stay in wonderland for ever.

I am here questioning the divinity of drug experiences.

I have walked this path for several years with manifesting myself as the character as an eraserhead and I've mastered the art of making habit of myself being completely off-here, automated, ignorant and absolutely acceptive for all the problems in this world, the full self-acceptance of being a self who is not real in and as this enslavement of consciousness system which apparently means being human entails of on individual and humanity as a whole.

The intent was good - to get free, to go beyond my limitations, to see new perspectives, to transcend, to be able to help others - yet what I've manifested through the personalities I've became with the so called mystical experiences was not freedom at all but self-delusion and my life proven absolutely not working.

I was kind of hectic within that, I always had the tendency to be radical so to speak within ensuring doing things what I do with full of my beingness if I could - so within the quest in searching the truth I've put on all my cards to spiritual and psychedelic practices for quite some years.

What I have found that people do not really commit themselves for what they want for instance some do buddhist meditation and tries to apply it's sort of principles . It suggests to put aside alcohol and drugs or do the practices every day for progression and apply several symbolism into their living such as always discouraging the ego and self-interest, thoughts, emotions, desire while what people mostly ending up doing is standing on several principle-feets/columns, meaning 'keeping their old life' what is being used as justification why not fully applying the 'practice's principles'.

That is why for instance in Jesus teachings there is this 'leave your parents' - give up all who you were before otherwise you will remain the same even when you try to apply new paradigms for your living standards - first empty the cup before filling up with new stuff...
And it obviously does not mean give your parents the finger and let them rot without ever wanting to see them as it would oppose the 'give as you would like to receive' - but to leave your parent's point of views, starting points, philosophical codes and start from scratches finding out what is your real truth of who you are and what you do and more importantly: what you want to become.

For me this was a bit easy as I came from a family wherein I've seen the lower-end side of living, the poor family in the village, I've seen killing animals daily from kittens to horses and family members arguing and fighting drunk almost every day and the patterns I've soaked into my beingness as living was not really practical but theatrically reactive, in my mind quite radioactive, meaning not really being able to enjoy myself or have stability to be able to deal with reality and solve my psychological issues such as being blaming, shameful, suppressive, energy-addicted daydreaming, procrastinating boy and the only luck I've had that was able to deal with science and computers and also my will to want to become more than I've experienced myself to be, mostly taken from books and movies because the patterns I've seen as 'who I am' was not satisfying, but more frustrating, chaining so the need for changing myself, my reality was not really a choice but more like act of surviving.

So for that - I was eager to fully blow my mind with drugs and actively trying out several spiritual practices while I was totally ready to give up everything I consisted of - except my strongest desires such as beautiful women, money and maybe some sort of fame and lots of power(defined mostly by the other desires) - which by my way proven to be very difficult but I quite soon realized this is why I am born, not for half-solutions, so I just do it and kind of never see back or look more forward while trying to erase my old personalities which already proven as not cool because suppressions, doubt, petrifying fears and burning, reality-blurring desires.

I've had my alcohol moments at university - it was like inhibiting the inhibition system within my mind - so I was able to express myself and talk! but after some years my body was like 'why you killing me?' and also all I've noticed that I did not really change who I was then if I allowed myself to get loose - I was just reckless and more like an unchained abused little wild animal who just raged around wrecking and laughing what did not seem right and also my father and many family members already walked this path and I've seen directly what alcohol really do with people's mind and body which was a no-go quite soon. I had this stomach-acid problem by always swallowing my reactions to remain apparently calm and combining that with lots of wine, shots, so when I finished university I had ulcer which was really hellish and completely blocked my ability to enjoy any given hour in my life so I lost my interest with alcohol when I started to smoke weed, which gave 'strange experience' while kind of I saw myself echoing in my mind and I calmed down with it.

Then I was surprised when I was high for the first time with acid - it was like smoking but 1000 times stronger - and it was still not enough so I wanted it again and the second time was a sort of white light experience, like a reset on computer - I've experienced silence, quietness, I was unable to define and I was dead and yet I was walking around so it seemed quite alive-like. This life-style has been sucked me into it's scenes quite deeply and I was learning how to not freak out while melting my mind completely.

There were aspects what kind of proven to be supportive, to be able to adapt the fast-changing mind-sets, external settings, the madness, the constant uncertainty of this changing world within and without - but in overall with this I was unable to work with physical reality effectively, only for a period of time of letting go was cool but then I've defined letting go, chaos and destruction within as who I am and then I've became it, I've became addicted to remaining who I've defined myself to be in order to perceive who I am to what I wanted to be while in reality from time to time accumulating hitting rock bottom and then realizing I was not here and missed some relevant points from what I've made mistakes and manifested irreversible consequences and losing everything again and again and again.

So for the so called divine and mystical experiences wherein one feels the touch of god and the oneness, the matrix, the beauty of the system: it is very important to question everything, especially the positive reactions within ourselves. I've explored this scene sooooooo much, I remember the weirdest experiences, changing visions, walking in mandala-fields, seeing everyone as myself literally, seeing the inner demon within everybody, seeing the layers of the minds, bodies or seeing energies, codes, fractals, ocean-like flowing of visuals, mercury-like people-groups flowing, siddhas, buddhas, aspects, bardo, ghosts, fairies, astral projection, obe, hypnosis, countless of white light experiences, ecstatic moments, body-switch, shamanic, tantric, krishna, jesus, buddha-experiences, whatever, YOU NAME IT, probably I've experienced - it's kind of groovy - but when I am for the real truth, nothing but the truth of myself, of reality, of facts, of everything - I can easily say this is nothing compared to Self-honest Living Here in Every Moment, only distraction, mesmerizing obsession to hide behind.
These experiences surely gave me perspectives, memories, references for what I am capable with the mind, even for moments without the mind - but after all I've proven myself - to myself and even others - that I was not directing, I was just 'free-riding' and I was reactive, automatic and picked up quite some quite schizophrenic, mind-splitting, megalomaniac convictions which with all I did was protecting my own interest to not needing to REALLY change, even by giving up these experiences completely.

System perspective

This is a very relevant topic to talk about as the world system consciousness is (constantly) evolving the idea of virtualization in the mind trying to promote experience instead of facts and solutions for all (as the machine-like manifested consequence-reflection of ourselves as equal as one) and what is spreading is to blow the mind as human right with those legalization campaigns for dope and other psychedelic, enteogenic drugs while almost half of the planet has no got no human right to have food, shelter, water, health care and education so within looking at priorities, the concept of equality is quite toxic when all the western people are thinking equality as the right to be openly gay, blowing mind with drugs and also have the right to march publicly, to live in secrecy, privacy and even now becoming to demand basic income while in overall looking the humanity as a whole we do not give that to all country while justifying it with manifested separation by definition of countries, religions, cultures, opinions so it is so fucked up if we start to investigate it with common sense, sober mind...but mostly we are always ready for an other fascinating experience to explore more while facts and manifested consequences accumulate.

I am not against the decriminalization personally as in my perspective it is absolutely exaggeration and unfair to go to jail because one is blowing mind with substances, unless manifesting brutal consequences - especially while many anti-life pro-war-public figure criminals are walking freely on Earth - it is also the question of what do we really have right to do by the law, by morality, by consideration of all participants.

One more thing I point out here is that it is also quite unequal for instance when the big promoter of weed Snoop Dogg is being caught with a pillow-sized quantity of dope at an airport, he just pays some thousands of fine and gets front coverage with his fox-like smile on it saying "Life is cool, bro, do it too!" while if some street kids are being caught with some spliffs they literally hit rock bottom in the jail judging them as the nastiest evil so it is quite a controversial topic.

Also I am aware of the the researches at MAPS and other 'multidisciplinary' psychedelic therapeutic groups for instance for war veterans with PTSD and with MDMA and Psylocybin they have some result for sure - but these wrecked humans(coming home from hell of Iraq, Afghan or Somali etc wars) are so much screwed up by directly facing real reality of the demonic nature of mankind within which they literally torture and abuse and kill each other, I mean human killing human is like brother killing sister, not much different, especially when we investigate the causes for wars and realize that is mostly by corporate greed for profit and not even ideology or moral reasons - that is only the media propaganda to catalyze the human mind's emotions -  these soldiers are really deserve therapies what can lesser their fuckedup-ness of their severed mind and beingness to stop living in constant horror - for which drugs - with supportive, so to speak controlled environment - they can re-visit the trauma experiences and revive from the dreadful physical shock they've been programmed to exist.
I am sure that if those therapies would embrace and introduce supporting with Self-forgiveness, Self-honesty, Writing, they would result with much more effectiveness as I have used that too to support myself from stopping extreme paranoia with the assistance of Desteni Forum and Desteni I Process course.

Mystical experiences

Let's look back at the point of 'divine', 'mystical', 'holy' experiences which I've realized as a complete delusion, illusion, not being true at all but our perception through still remaining in and as our owned (or being owned by) mind system making us believe we are reaching out while all what happens is that we are being blinded by the bars of our mind-cage shining bright with the effect of the drug over saturating, melting and liquifying our already existing separation from reality within exponential exaggeration.

Such as within the quoted Bernard Poolman's interview - people will give many excuses and justifications of how those experiences are resulting them becoming more knowledge-able, wise etc however it should be common sense that if we do not practically become more responsible and actually be able to do for what is best for all with any experience then it is not worth a moment to even talk about.

Whatever is 'divine' - it means separated - polarity - it's like in the Orwell's Animal farm - "all animals are equal, but there are more equals" - just like in our manifested human system with it's blood, the money system - just like we define our moments sliced in time, judged by quality, positive or negative which is always only comes from self-interest. Self-interest indeed, even when we 'think about others first' it is about ourselves one layer deeper and when it comes down to Earth and the only acceptable solution obviously should be about really changing who we are according to what is best for all.

I really like the music for instance of Shpongle but what they speak about 'Divine Moments of Truth' referring to Dimetyl Triptamin enteogenic drug which with one can see through the veil and realize what is going on is questionable.

I mean, everything is questionable with common sense! Even questioning our questioning and I am not kidding - nothing in this world is what it seems and we want absolute self-realization we can not trust anything! Especially what comes from our perception as it has been formed, shaped from the first breath we've born here by forces outside of us therefore if we want to aim absolute realization from where we will not fall from time to time - we should get to the bottom of all things with practical, physically measurable Self-honesty with the tools of Self-forgiveness, Self-honesty, Writing, group support, etc

Even people refer to DMT that it is produced in the body, the mind, whatever they say to justify that what they experience is more real than our physical world - for me it is irrelevant if I can not become more practical for what is best for all in this human system. And be mind-blowing musician, promoting mind-blowing drugs will really solve the economic/environmental/educational issues and manifest a system for ensuring to prevent poverty/war/child-abuse/slavery/destroying ecology?

What is best for all is not a mystical term - it is something what can be considered by the 'give as you would like to receive' and 'love thy neighbor as thyself' principles. Food, shelter, water, education, health care is what we want for ourselves, so then seeing facts - currently it is not given to all - so first of all, this would be the best for all, that's simple, no need a trip to the Mars to see this through...

Also the musician from Shpongle(this is very popular in the mind-blowing scene and many does similarly quoting drug-experiences by psychonaut foes) has an other song called 'Mystical experiences' - which I really like as music but the message is the same: there are experiences which through one can experience great oneness, a world beyond which is more divine.

I agree with the need for deeper understanding what people grasp of this reality, I really do, which for religions and even science can not really stand for as those are more easily questionable because science is more and more becoming the tool and fuel for more corporate greed for profit and religions mostly point attention towards obedience and beyond death and asking for divine mercy while being comfortable with even child-woman-abuse and holy wars and the media is selling consumer materialism big time which also bulks in environmental and all living creature's abuse and aimless reproduction on mind- and physical level so people are hunger for real answers within the era of complete brainwashing thus trying to come up with more and more extreme methods to shake off the chains of our own enslavement.

The era of modern shamans, yogis, tantrikas, mind-revolutionists, psychonauts new-agen, spiritual and consciousness entrepreneurs has come wherein conviction of freedom is always at our fingertips to trip into the world of divine, mystical, profound, blissful spirit world of our true nature with various chemical substances.

I am deeply sorry but I humbly disagree. And I repeat - I've had these experiences, so vivid, so mesmerizing, so deep, so detailed that many currently I can not even describe and I've even enjoyed it, it was really like space-travel with the speed of light, but if it comes to Self-realization, Self-honesty towards practical solutions I clearly state that it was just the dimensions of Mind Consciousness System - not life, not really real.

For fun, artistic influences, sort of self-therapy, psychological-self-evaluation and acknowledging the extent of my own mind systems within which I exist as my own self-accepted enslavement for working with the tools of Self-forgiveness, Self-investigation it can be supportive for once in a while if one has the ability to apply Self-honesty.
Within each experience if we dare to really slow down - we can reach it's limit, it's end and it's systematic equation so to speak which can be explored through words, their relationships and energetic reactions always linked back to the human physical body. It's just the question of specificity and Self-honesty applied with measurable ways such as Self-forgiveness written, said aloud.

Also people would response that if one would require such experiences for becoming a less asshole, why not we let them experiment with their mind?

First of all you and your mind, your body is government property, what you have signed on many documents already under the capitalized letters of your name so are owned - hmm just kidding, but seriously - our so called 'civilization' is the external representation of our own mind consciousness system which determines how we perceive and react to things since our first moment.

We always exist within equal and one relationships as it is the basic principle in existence: Equality and Oneness as Self as all as one as equal. That's why we are always in relationship with something, even in drug experiences.

But if one has not dealt with the conscious mind, subconscious/unconscious mind, one's own-self interest, the desires, fears, ego and not yet manifested a stable physical presence and consistent breathing here as silence within in application and direction to walk Self-forgiveness to immediately re-align and change - these things will make one believe into constructs which are not really real, only the mind is at play which we are automated ourselves to define(even ourselves) with, therefore as as the mind itself.

So whatever is 'mystical', it is sneaky so to speak - 'myst I call' to hide behind, because I am unable to cut through the bullshit because I am not absolutely Self-honest/brave enough to understand all aspects, relationships, parts of my own creation, therefore this mysticism is here to justify with that "I do not fully understand what and why I do, I just know, I just believe, I just trust".

This is unacceptable within the context of Absolute Self-honesty and obviously within common sensical cross-referencing as it might fall with comparing to facts therefore we have to question these whole spiritual vocabularies which has been spread across the cultures all over the planet what if we dare to investigate it's history, FACTS, we can see - all the spiritual agenda was just a smart coup as any other consumerism, only this one has aimed the mind, it's energetic systems(what then will stimulate to do capitalistic consumerism).

And it is not even just about the point of Self-honesty but within delusion one's actions and their consequences into the physical reality, Earth without really being aware of what one's actions are causing through participating for instance in the capitalistic cannibalistic system wherein half of the human population of the planet is living in poverty meaning not having proper food, water, shelter, education, health care so then the accumulation of one's actions or not actions is also a responsibility whether one is aware about it or not.

And I repeat - I do not have problem with the mind-altering drugs at all - only what I refer to is for practical solution purposes these are obviously not the solution. Many claim, promote and even agitate these substances and the experiences they had on those that it is the solution while it is also questionable. It is so cool we see those vivid hallucinations of course, but many might freak out and they do not do it anymore, but if one then does it again and again and again for the tripping - is that really for transcending?
I still visit goa-psy-trance parties/festivals sometimes for fun and dance(not consuming anything only water) or making videos or helping on sound stage or just test myself(do I have energetic reaction in the mind and then re-align with Self-forgiveness immediately) and I look around and many people blow their mind and drink a lot by habit as it is the 'normal party' and is it really that 'revolutionary'/'life-changing'? Though it is cool to not judge yet embrace all what is here in all ways.

For let go of the reins within our mind, unscrewing the frames of it, having reference-experiences for what is like when we are not defining, when we see the extent of the mind consciousness layers and energetic manifestations it can be a mind-field-trip literally but within this one experience can easily fuck up one's own process of Self-realization by even within one thought-feeling-process when using it as fact while it is just a reaction of the past when one was Self-dishonest, in separation of fear from what is really real therefore manifesting some patterns from what one acts out or starts out a thing in one's living which seems valid, legit or even self-honest while it was literally just a tripping.

For instance when I use big equations for computing quantities for materials being needed for a house to build up and in the equation-process for mixing cement I make a mistake and count on ten times less one of the requirements than what is needed for it to last and it turns out only when it is too late when workers build up the house by it and later it falls apart and then it is already too late to correct it.

Once I've had the conclusion that I am a buddha, so for years I was doing buddhist things and then I've realized I am not.
Once I've perceived myself as light - so then from that moment I've defined myself constantly as 'light' - while I am not light. It is the polarity of the mind, depending on positive, negative: lightness, darkness.
Once I've felt myself as being this christ consciousness, for months  I was wondering about that while I was able to let it go and realized it was by super-fast thoughts I've allowed to influence me.
Another time I've had experience talking to a specific mahasiddha(sort of old story of a buddha-like guy who had superpowers, just like from x-man) in a dream so then I've felt myself like 'I've given directions and teachings directly from a buddha-aspect) which I've researched for years, even went to India to find more original scriptures about it.
Many-many and many-many more experiences I've had while here, today I do see it was conviction, opinion, with good intentions nothing else but self-interest, and took invaluable years to realize how exactly I was Self-dishonest to be able to see through my own, self-created, self-maintained, thought-, feeling-, emotion-, memory-image-tuned experiences.

This is the mind - we can experience whatever we intensify ourselves into by the thoughts, feelings, emotions - if we have enough money for it and be able to pay for health, food, shelter - and there are many who can not afford to escape into experiences of positive, groovy moments but they suffer and survive - or not. It is crucial to understand how we are creating experiences through our mind.

It is similar in and as the mind where positive and negative judgements, energies are constantly moving and to see what is real one is required to lean back and stop participating - and within the drug experience these all systems are not really being stopped - only all is being liquified for one big blob within which one is tripping constantly and all the experiences are happening and within that one is not seeing thoughts, only patterns, geometry, colors, frequencies etc - while it is the same system, only it is being heated up (or cooled down) to have different effects.

So anything seems mystical - it is suspicious that "I am in delusion with justification".

It also can become easily a trap - as we peel off a layer with drugs and see another - and then we do another 'trip' to face the next layer - and then we also experience the mind blowing - and then again - while we completely miss the point of direct changing ourselves - and wanting to use the stuff to experience again or have a more direct reference or having a more deep, longer, intense, profound experience - but it's just experience - completely individual - even when we do it together and we feel similar, whatever - we do not understand how the mind works, it is always creates virtual space within we are being entertained - and if drugs effect our mind - we are not here, we are in the mind, it's common sense.
We even can state that we are simulating life - but after all all we do just stimulate ourselves.

There is nothing within our mind or consciousness which can not be explored within practical self-honesty HERE, breath by breath, step by step, if required with specific assistance.

That is real Self-intimacy - the Transcendence of the Mystical.

Just some points to 'thing' about... If you disagree - simply share your perspective if you dare to stand out and see your common sense and discuss it openly with no shame.

I am open for facts and cross-referencing, these are the points I've realized.

What I've also realized is that many of the so called enlightened people are not standing up and out and share their point of views - therefore it is already questionable is it really real, meaning if you would be so sure that you are really knowing, really transcending, why don't you want to share that so fucking divine revelation with all the world openly?

Investigate your interest, your motivation, your direction, your willingness and capability of sort things out on Earth. No matter what's the matter - what is the excuse? That should be obvious how to step through and ACT SOLUTION if you are really enlightened - if not, then question everything from scratches. Every day if required, every moment if needed. Simple.

Also when one is blowing with these drugs - can also incorporate the F.E.A.R.

Fear of being punished from the law system being completely hooked on stuffs which are illegal? This was a great point also within my living with drugs for self-betterment - for my reasoning it was this buddha-thing(buddha referring here as 'awakened one'), one saying was that

'A buddha should not rely on anything'.

I mean literally anything - so if I do need anything for being aware - am I being aware or just being effected to feel more aware until the effect is gone?
So even referring to such thing as 'buddha'(which is a label, a definition, a picture, a judgment in the mind) is already a relying - relationship, separation, fear. Unacceptable. Push through it and whenever comes up - apply Self-forgiveness immediately and re-align in one breath and stand.
Not much time after applying Self-forgiveness directly to it one can realize the enormous power of letting go such belief-system and start to realize how much it was indeed blocking real freedom to be here. And from that there is no turning back - Self-honesty is always who we are - or who we are not and that's it.

So after all - for me all mind-altering drug has proven to strengthen only the inner mind for external dependency for perceptions which do not stand through the test of time.

For that it was the beginning of the great war of intensity for having a so strong mind-blast that I should be shifted to the 'other side' permanently. Of course the intensity also only requires for the mind, not for Self-honesty, Breath, Act where we can stand within stability - in and as our human physical body.

For the purpose of mind-blowing drugs if one use these as mind-effects, visualizations, mind-lubricants it can be sort of fun regardless of the fact that it fucks with the mind with ways one does not comprehend therefore it is mostly the separation what is being fueled within one's mind about there are divine moments, the mystical experiences are more real while these are just really the moments of one is seeing the mind system from different angles.

In this perspective for the real self-support it can be used a very few times but only for the sake of realizing how much we are fucked within our mind which we have to take seriously in terms of working through delusions word by word what we do actively accept and allow within our normal daily living.

For the simplicity it is like a war going on within our mind - the positive, negative, neutral energetic forces are being created through frictions of the judgements we participate within and each breath we miss to remain here in inner silence - we are not here, only in this virtual mind field which we were proudly able to program to perceive a some sort of reality for what we do not really take responsibility for.

Each word to we store reactions, memories, feelings which are being programmed into our own physical body to react to what then stimulates the mind, energy, thoughts, feelings, emotions what we will bear one after another even if it is obviously out of context from HERE, even when it is just distraction, energetic accumulation, spite or even self-abuse.

But when the thought is coming here - it is already manifesting in the mind - and if we are not slowed down within enough to literally be faster than our mind - then the mind will always walk in front of us in one step beyond and simply mirroring our starting point of inner separation from ourselves, from the external world therefore being completely powerless and victimized by: our own self-dishonesty towards ourselves and to the external world as equal as one moment by moment accumulating more and more physical consequences not only for ourselves but for our children, the future, the destiny of mankind.

We must be able to become literally faster, smarter, greater, stronger than our mind which requires slow but sure accumulation breath by breath to not participate within it, not being directed, mesmerized, pulled into.
The fact is that our mind is always one(or more) step beyond of us, who do consciously experience and the mind is constantly busy, scanning, processing, equalizing, predicting as a supercomputer and changing the curtains in front of us - but this mind is who we allowed to direct us - and this mind can not be shattered, left behind with drugs - as it is the inner manifestation of separation of ourselves from ourselves - so we must understand the mind, how it works, what triggers it, why I am being reacted the way I am now feeling good, feeling shitty - all we have to know without thinking, without memories - that is awareness - what for Self-forgiveness written, said aloud is the solution - I will be able to see the mind-patterns before being thrown at me as 'experience' and I can become faster - while being silent, here, directive physically.
Even if we can experience these on drugs - it is not really helping as while on stimulated by drug energies - it is not SELF who changed, only being stimulated to perceive differently - so then after the drug experience is gone - we are the same - only having some references which we might define, think about and in that moment we are more screwed as to use the dualistic mind to define non-dualistic mind is the direct way for absolute delusion it is sure, I've walked it, will not work, only for self-interest, but if we open up ourselves to really act for what is best for all, within this capitalistic, limited system, then we will see, it is not practical, it is slowing us down, it is filtering out facts, it is not practical.

So transcendence is letting go all - even experiences, even drugs - if you insist and take the risk, try, for sure(with assistance, as the guy really jumped out from the window, I did not believe in this shit, but he really did, and he is alright now but did he really change? I am not sure, time will tell).

And transcending is not meaning letting go the physical - it means letting go delusions, applying Self-honesty, absolutely, in each breath. And then we can become capable of seeing/realizing/understanding that the mind consciousness is dependent on physical energy, the human physical body, which is way more superior than our mind, than consciousness.

How much more do we need when we really realize the fact that we are inferior to our own mind which is inferior to consciousness systems which is inferior to the physical?

Investigate, question, apply - it is not the lazy, tripping rebel who will realize, but the diligent, self-honest, practical - and if I can become this, any psychonaut can if really dares. This process will be a shit load of more intense when letting go the mind-altering options but then we are able to work directly with and on ourselves for changing and then applying that into our direct reality to really be able to stand for all equally because that assists to embrace what is real, here.

For real solutions we must be in this system but not of the system, understand our inner mind system how we are behaving, why do we behave so and what is our individual impact to the greater human system which has it's own character so to speak. The capitalistic system, the money system is enslaving almost everyone equally while some are feeling divine, mystical, god-like with all their billion times billions of money which to we should stand up to in practical way and use the current system and it's rules to have impact which is relevant which can be accumulated by individuals who really did realize what is the first priority, what must be life, what must be equal life for all.

That is why the Equal Life Foundation has been formed and running various projects, researches to accumulate real solutions such as Living Income Guaranteed for an immediate solution for poverty, famine, child-abuse which for no mind-blowing god-like drug experience is required to see it's immediate need today as daily 30.000 child dies from famine each day which for we must stand together to vote and implement and manifest a system which ensures ground to earth solution.

Personally me, who've invested so much time and effort to know these drugs, experiences, if I would see these things as the most practical solution for the greatest problems to humanity, I might consider supporting these things - but within investigating how the systems really work and how to become the most effective to participate within standing up to these by investigating and participating, I've found these drugs, the experiences not much relevant and from a perspective directly as blocking my effectiveness to expand to directions what to I am directing to move so it is common sense for me within my personal process to let go these experiences, substances and trusting myself to give my support to other manifestations what require focus, consistency, clarity and diligent accumulative effort to have relevant impact on educational, online and local societies as well.

And it is obviously an excuse to claim that these things do not accumulate consequences which are obviously questionable for not only physical but mental health as well which is also a point of Self-honesty I am referring to. If one can acknowledge that even if would like to stop but can't then it is time for ask for support and it is not shameful, for me, when I've approached Desteni forum in 2007, it was common sense to ask for support and that was the one of the most worthy of my decisions in my life because from that moment I am stabilizing and expanding day by day without a doubt which is also available for anyone who really wants to.

So investigate the Mind, Self here, Human Systems by investigating Desteni support sites:

• Desteni I Process LITE for understanding how to work on mind, self, for practical Self-honesty
• Self-supportive mind-blowing Audio Interviews from EQAFE
• Living Income Guaranteed by Equal Life Foundation
• Desteni Forum for sharing Self-realization and ask questions
• Desteni WIKI on drugs
• Why drug experience give the feeling of freedom?

That is all for today about the context of Ant inspecting Lamborghini.

[JTL 105] Ranting on the word TRUST

Investigating the meaning and ranting about the memories about the word: Trust

I start with how I've defined trust: being able to rely on something or somebody and then it's there, more precisely: it's always here when I need, so something what I expect, I hope, I want.

Several times in my life I actually concluded to the point that I do not trust myself.

Those were moments when I realized I am utterly shattered as myself and literally became physical consequence, nothing more.

For sure I had apparently 'free' choices but within Self-investigation - I realize choice is never really a choice - especially when it is predictable. Or when just to prove not to be predictable to choose what is not predicted - is still of consequence, accumulation and influence.

It is always common sense what is the real deal: If choice exists, why do we not choose always what is best for all?
Is that worthy? For who and for what and actually why?
So if choice is deliberately to harm and abuse: how is that really free?

Who I am is of choice? So then what I am is of condition and then what is real of me?

Or is that a journey to find out what I am not, then who I really am then again: not of choice, but actual process of realization of who I am is not of choice: and then I am who I am, and if I could choose who I actually am, then what is what really choosing but already myself?

So this choice thing is really ridiculous, considering to be able to choose what is best for me, especially within the consideration of what is best for all. Because then choice is nothing but of consequence - again - and then what is best for all is always obvious, if we are able to consider the facts and take responsibility for who we are actually.

Actually to take responsibility for this big chunk of organic material which is typing currently is merely a choice - as you as well consider this as a possible point of self-reflection of how you ended up reading this right now in this very moment?

What points you walked through and directed yourself by and made being able to pinpoint the very decision what you, yourself made to read through this writing and who you really are within it?

I mean I am not fully aware of this either, but I see how I am acting based on the decision to write. Walking Desteni I Process Lite actually assists me within Self-realization. That is undeniable. Out of choice.

I am translating and within translation it is like I am really squeezing the writing through myself to be able to come out the best possible way to express it with the language I always used as my primarily, natural one - however as within writing I am actually and PHYSICALLY slowing down within and becoming the words I write - in this moment I type this - and this and then that: Hello there! Actually ~HERE~

I am these words within my mind and by that I am not in the super fast graph-thought-light-halo which is kind of untouchable and immaterial yet always surrounding and thought and reactions come one after another so fast I am barely aware of it - no.

Within writing I am slowing down to the physical - literally, like I must otherwise I can not type with full presence - otherwise I just think 100 things and write something about it:

Okay, I can try it: now I try to think and imagine stuff while try to type:
india ex trap realize awake

- you see - these are the keywords for the dream I had in the morning and I have tons of details about that dream, actually it was quite vivid, still - but within thinking through - I am so fast - and the reactions I had - I felt the energy arise in the body regarding to the memory and the lots of words, thoughts, pictures, feelings, the events, the story in that dream - and then I am here.

I know what I remember and what I understand about it - but to actually see - I write it down and by the words I see and I ground myself to the physical and I am stable.

And when reaction comes - I see it and I am still here - not like for one thought/picture - dozens pop up and for that dozens another dozen times dozens - that people trust - and then they feel, react and when it is good then they feel good, and when it is bad, they feel bad - and then they get used to it and that is sort of really fast and then in fact automatic - and then is that still of choice?

The actual associations coming up to specific words are still of and as choice, one by one? For instance the frequent words people use: What then pops up for these ones: Love, trust, fortune, value, taste, energy ?

See - my word of Trust has became automatic, so I acknowledge it: that it is not best for me and best for all either - and I do not say anymore I doubt myself - but I realized until I do not purify and re-define and specify the MEANING of the word TRUST - how can I trust anything?

So for me seems now as a pretty much foundation to investigate.

People do not like to investigate self, right, because that sounds like analytic, decomposing, like ruining the fun of flow, the moment, the feelings - as the religious, spiritual agendas also:

"Do not analyze too much, just ride the tide, blow the flow and feel the dragon of god or buddha or virgin mary jane or king of c(h)oke Ra.

Caution! Achtung, Warning, Attention: Self-automation ahead!

I mean if I really start using common sense on the religion material (any - even as: religion of Self) - I might start question too much and then I am unable to feel the deal, missing the point what is non taken but who am I to judge all mantras but even after all I tried and then I do not say it's bullshit but for me it's really bullshit: then some say I was not enough serious(or was too serious), I did not do enough, did not do it properly or still much to do for some several hundreds of thousand times before eating the fruit of the attainment of awareness.

Well, seeking for awareness, speaking for the devil: look at here: the physical is real. Touch yourself, the chair, the screen: it is fact. Fuck the space in the atoms, be gentle with denial or try with the brick wall, it stops you, test it: that real!

The most stable, reliable, consistent and assisting reality is this, the actual factual, mutual interconnectedness of everything revealing thing is what we have here and we can always reflect back, realize and directly become really aware of who we really are and where we are within our journey of existence: through and as this physical wherein we are all busy breathing all the time. This breath is physical, this is the Life in and as Substance what is here and we are separated from as ourselves through consciousness, energy.

Anything what is disregarding the priority of the physical is apparently self-made choice to go into the mood of flood of the consciousness of mind of energy, which is and always will be inferior and conditioned to the physical existence.

Energy is always of friction of this separation operation of consciousness from Substance.



So - - - - is it MY choice to see what I consist of and entail as the definitions, memories of the word TRUST?

How can I be anytime sure that it is myself who is driving the wheel of my eventuality and what precisely I can refer here as 'myself'?

The more I walk this Self-investigation - the thinner I see myself as 'me' and the bolder I see the Principle of Equality and Oneness as Life - and I am merely nothing but of consequence of energy of words - but as I stand - I find myself as an Individual expression equal to all - and that I walk, and share here.


This could be an introductory for the word: Trust, not much as decomposing but actually playing with the words - or the words play me?

Memories of trust:

I trusted 'my girl' with not cheating on me - and then she cheated me as I cheated her already but only in mind and I kicked her out of my bed, and then years later the same again she cheated me, but this time I already cheated her with my relationship with drugs, not with thoughts of girls: and kicked her out of my flat. Blame game trust of frust rat I was on the fly.

Sad, little heart has broken, well not really, but actually I learned not just give trust towards I hope will be worthy for - it's like the sell fish business: I put my money into something what then comes back more than I did put into(just as a child comes out from the hole I enjoy to stick into: apparently now here; well to make sure it is really good for the children to come, be the con-sider at I on insist and suggest to investigate Equal Money as viable Solution which is Best for All).

So then I trusted with guys who lived with me as we agreed on rent fee to share and they could not afford it and I always said fuck it, I am that good and they eventually bailed out themselves from that situation with their remorse and I was like, be friends, I do not care about some dozens of thousands, well - I will be more rich later on anyway!

And the askers came and I gave, shared, lent, gave away with sympathy and the trust thing was like alright, I trust my goodness here, I am such a great to lean on, come on everybody, free dope for anyone, we do not even lock the door, here is my cabinet, sure, bring your friends as well - oups where is that bass guitar what I've been given to and now it's gone and who is she anyway, looks familiar, alright, I am that good in those parties, it's always alright when the money comes that easier or even for free...

Trusting in the moment, the flow, the reality, the existence, the god, the energy, the drug, the siddhas, the lama, the guru, the acid, the crystal, the hat, the stem, the buddha, the friends, the artists, the girl, the experience, the pain: such a lame deal to figure out in the next moment what is so utterly bursting the bubble of immaculate perfection and the rock below the ocean is really scaring the shit out of me when I think of mother in the last moment and then I am still here and recon-sider my opposition on this word I sandcastled my thin, fragile nirvana to: Trust: I never trust you again!

Self-separation is of polarity of mind is of self-mutilation with each thought can be really personal and intimate but hey: no thing is new, all is the same repeating and accumulating since of the beginning of the sin of our fore- and fore- and fore-fathers and mothers and sisters and brothers we are all here equally in the same boat in all ways, any ways.

So that's about trust for today, I trust facts, physical, as self, so here+now returning back where I was, I just had to push this through and to say I enjoy writing like this, after all it is still a feeling what mostly I do not share because I see the shark teeth in it as biting my body with this energy and keeps me losing if I count on this kingship of consciousness, as an example of disregard practical common sense as fact as the physical.

So I will be continuing on Self-forgiveness on the word and memories about: TRUST and also continuing with the post: reacting to women, as I just started with make-up last time and what else I react to with energy what I do not require anymore but I am going to PREVENT. And I do not fear from it or defining it bad - I just let it out from my system and then I can directly experience it as physical, not as reaction in mind with energy packages separating myself from equality and oneness here.