[JTL 96] Stop Energy Motivation Part 2

This is the continuation of

• [JTL 94] Stop Energy Motivation Part 1

  
It is to realize that by stopping actually I do not mean forcing myself to stop within an image and likeness of 'what is best for all' by 'giving up' my dreams, desires, but within Self-investigation(what is by itself proves that I do not know who I am, how I've became who I do not know who am I), exploring Self-intimacy, Self-honesty I am realizing that all what I 'contain' as memories, motivations, desires, images and pictures and ideas of who I want to be or should be are based on Self-dishonesty, fear and are conditioned to energetic states of my mind, as induced by thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Many times it already happened: what I dreamed of and wanted so badly, by circumstances I did let it go and then it came and I got it - for instance several musical instruments - and then I've perceived myself as 'changed' and 'not interested that much anymore that to actually go for it' then it was just here and that also influenced me.

This whole spiritual agenda within what 'you just wish for it and be positive and the mind is a wish-making jewel, just if you are on your path, all your dreams will be fulfilled' - so then I've fallen into self-definition by this idea:
-to get something I do let it go and then it will come back anyways - and when it comes, it is 'mine' anyway and then I realize it is not really me, yet it is here, and still I react to it therefore it is of and as me anyways as energy relationship within my mind.

And then I tried to just 'let go things and then I will get it if I really let them go' - but that is completely changed already.

As this spiritual agenda was really for me like this: to find emptiness in everything is actually find the emptiness within me about everything, meaning all I had was not real, empty, made-up by thoughts, feelings, emotions but then those stopped, changed, then the thing I was on to find out it is 'empty' - my relationship with it in my mind - as it formed, it's gone - so all that part of me was then defined as 'empty'.

And that emptiness is not real, but defined by self's relationship so in a greater perspective it is obviously not empty, I am not empty but tainted, infested with the relationship to the definition of emptiness. Strange but it is not self-honest.

Because to say everything, everyone is empty: it is a definition - my stomach can be empty - but in relation to my mind - if I am empty ABOUT IT - I must be equal and one with it because there is no inner movement, no inner definition, judgment, feeling, nothing - so then I am undefined about it, I have no 'relationship' with it in and as the mind so I can be here as it is and be directly equal and one with it without the mind.

So then for me the 'emptiness' would mean as a definition to it's relationship to the mind what is kind of swampy area to explore if we are not using common sense, because if we do, certainly it is already a philosophical bullshitting instead of get real and be practical about it: I am here, if I am reacting, I am not here but of judgment, of past as Self-dishonesty because the already existing relationship within and as self, projected to the ob-sub-ject I experience myself reacting to.

So then the motivation within and as myself towards these relationships I form and create, maintain and participate within is who I am in and as the so to speak beingness of me: this I've realized quite some years ago as 'empty', 'illusion' - and therefore I was after some methodologies, ways to manifest and stabilize this realization simply by remaining undefined, aware of the breath etc.

That is being offered by many these spiritual agendas, many -ism, who claim they have this practical knowledge to forge manifested realizations by this seed of awareness of 'emptiness' within ourselves however after doing some Desteni Education one can easily pick up the lack of common sense, the nonsense and contradiction within these 'teachings'.

I used to enjoy a video 'the guru hunter' who goes to India and does this 'demon hunt' from screwed women from who he pulls the demon out and does tricks like blood comes from eggs etc then everyone believes him and after it he exposes himself as trick-con-man doing simple tricks what uneducated people sees as magic.

So anyone wants to become able to expose illusion, con-men, lame gurus and false masters should join Desteni Courses as within walking that one can unlearn the fog of mind and learn common sense and Self-honesty and explore what is real, what is possible and what would be the practical solutions which is in fact mathematically could be proven as what is best for all.

As long I do not understand how my motivations, desires, dreams are ticking within me - I am just a reaction machine to outer circumstances.

Weaknesses I call these however within being Self-honest and to write down these and see them in front of myself and acknowledging - I am already one step ahead to stop the self-automation by starting to have QUESTIONS: WHY am I reacting to this with that?
What is this energy what motivates me, within me?

And then I realize that was based on a memory, an experience, wherein I had so much energies running through my mind and body and that the mind measures, takes samples, stores it with relationship to words, pictures, memories and then layer by layer, condition by condition, reaction by reaction, definition by definition: Personality has born, Character was born, EGO was created as this idea of Self, a religion within believing and fear from losing is actually me and from the energy motivation I FEEL - the same way it FEELS as me, I feel right to have human right to actually have believing within me and who I perceive myself to be but when I start to apply the Desteni tools, Self-honesty, writing, Self-forgiveness and walk what comes next to See, Realize, Forgive, I explore what I am accepting and allowing - then common sense is to stop, as it is of systems, all of systems we have became and then by this - as it is a skill, anyone who can deal with the simple math of 1+1=2 can walk Self-honesty and accumulate Self-realization.

So then I do not 'give away', 'let go' my 'desires' and I do not 'see and define' myself and my relationships as 'empty' and then I do not resign, renounce, but I simply realize it was never really me, the whole starting point, the reaction, the automation, the physical beingness I've formed about it was not who I really am, therefore it is simply common sense to stop.
And if there is force to stop, like - I want to have that thing or this woman but I know it is not right yet I am compelled to almost do what I know I should not and then I force myself to stop: it is still not Self-honesty - it is self-manipulation by the very thing I want to realize as not myself but still holding to: energy.

So then when it is natural, disciplined(because at times requires, for instance with addictions) to put my discipline, focus, the motivation to the experience where I see that I am being tempted with - with Self-dishonesty then I realize the motivation what I am still being defined is not really me, so then I re-define motivation, re-define myself based on the fact that I am in and as a reality wherein there are billions, trillions of beings where if my motivation does not include all what is here, I am separated from what is here, I am separated from myself, so then I motivate myself by practically considering in and as this very situation I am currently: What is best for all?

For instance when facing sexual desire - just to have somebody to have sex with, to have somebody to get physical, to let go this energetic compound of 'need to have sex to release this tension, to let go of stress' etc - then what would be best for all? To let go this energy somehow? Or considering to PREVENT it to manifest?

To even consider how and why in the first place I've created this 'need', 'desire'? And not if that is 'bad idea' to have a partner to do physical tenderness without limit but with what starting point for what result?

To just get steam off and feel good and have satisfaction? If there is someone who can agree with it and finds comfortable, why not? Why don't just then do it and have awesome experience with someone and when both feeling FANTASTIC, then coming along, be together and do it as it is good for both, then should be then: best for all!

Well, I would not stop here and continuing self-realization to is this enough, what do I expect from my partner and what I actually give and what would be the really best for her? Well, for me it could not mean just to please each other, especially when seeing that it is just for feelings, what are self-created, energetic mind-entities in order to compensate the harshness of physical reality within what many of us directly being abused, destroyed meanwhile many-many people are 'just feel good' together and say 'we are in love, alright, we feel good about each other, everyone should do the same, it's awesome!' - meanwhile many are even unable to drink water enough to remain alive.

So then the Self-honesty would mean to see priorities: what is more important, my feelings, and my partner's feelings about my feelings, or to actually head on reality and investigate practical solutions.

Well within Self-honesty it is also obvious that solutions for all from where we, as humanity stand today, then one might consider her/his location today currently and where is the stability point that to actually remain effective, meanwhile to be with someone, yet not just in a bubble of self-interest feel of love about the partner, family, mates - which obviously seems logical as priority, especially to parents - who are little gods for their kids.
But the responsibility is not ends here, and one can expand within Awareness and Responsibility, oneself, family, friends, country, the planet, existence - and if one finds out that at this moment have the capacity to take care only about the money what is required for family to eat properly - well that's it but within Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, Self-change one can change reality.

So then to find the balance and equality within all aspects of ourselves and life without having stressed, but not mind-blessed with energy as addicted to feel good - it is already a tough challenge in this current human system.

So then I check motivation, I check reactions, I check my location and I re-align if I see I am not who I want to be and if I do not understand, if I am confused, if I am unsure, I sit down and write it out all with no judgment, no fear to see what I am accepting and allowing - and then I see what must be done, stopped, removed from me, especially the addiction towards feel good because there is something within already for needing this, it's like an inherent, self-accepted nature of myself of by default feeling bad for needing to feel good more than by default.
And then I investigate, I share - this is not who I really am, only currently, maybe today - and then I change.

I have this energy moving within what tries to direct me to go and just form sexual relationship with someone, I do not accept this as myself, I do not really want to just have sex with someone just because I have this urge to do sex - because if I see myself - I not just want sex, I want care, equality, support, agreement - so then to just go out and have sex - will not be this, well, maybe, but highly unlikely.

So then I face the next question how to establish effective agreement with somebody, am I ready for that? I had this for years 'feeling' 'I am not ready' - and then overwhelmed by sexual desire towards images, pictures, mostly induced by porn and movie industry - I was like, I am ready, I should do it meanwhile all what I've formed with different individuals had the starting point of what moved towards it.

And it is still not 'bad' - but if I know it, I should be aware of what it will become, as starting point, consequence - and then anticipate and see - do I have agreement with myself first about it? And then can I agree with somebody on it which can be practical in this 3d physical world? That is common sense.

My relationship was around this sex thing what is cool however I tried to pretend it is not and when there were sexual temptations I was shaking(not physically, but as standing within agreement) because of that - so then by walking Agreement Course I have realized, still realizing what is my starting point, what do I really want, not just energy, and consequence of relationship with motivation and energy manifested as sexual desire, but actually what I would really want if I would be free of energy motivations moving me temporary. So then I have realized so much already what I do not want - which is at least equally important to what I want - and then to say no to that it is not that hard anymore. Because feeling of energy will not last - I want consistency which is not of energy for sure as energy is of conditions, definitions, feelings, what is self-interest if not considering all life.
Even when it is about a one night stand with somebody who even is a beautiful woman but for what I really want, not just energy fix, it is not who I really am, so to say no is not like 'very hard' if I can consider more than my feelings only. I do not say one night stands and spontaneous stuff is bad, I do not define it - if I participate, then I participate - some say I should - some say I should not - for me for quick fix it could work, as it did some times, but for long term I rather walk Self-forgiveness and stop the energetic mind for long term, that is my fix and then the more I do, the more I am able to see more far than my energetic mind, even supporting others as myself as equal as one.

That is what I wanted to share around, as the comments in the previous post: that when I realize what moves me is not really me, to let go is not uneasy - when it is uneasy, it is still the journey of understanding what I have allowed myself to became, even when I am already aware of what must be done, manifested, stabilized, such as not thinking when I wake up, not thinking when I take a shower, not thinking while considering my days ahead, not thinking while going to work, definitely not thinking while working, speaking with others, but directly be here, honest, expressing every detail of my beingness what is in the moment and having the direct presence here, with others, with reality, not in the mind, not through thoughts, definitions, concerns, fears, desires, pictures - those are the past -- sometimes cool to look back and have a retrospective review of myself and see who I am here, but while in and as the day, in action - there is no place of inner judgments.

And when it is 'feels like' physically compelled to react, then it is already physically manifested as systems as physical mind, then it is to accumulate Self-direction to stand equal and one with and as Self here and to Breathe, to Stop, to not participate and let it go in every moment, while thoughts arise: those are the signs of inner separation - and in this phase of stopping - I am becoming more and more here, back to reality, wherein each moment actually is and thinking is in the secret room, while action is physical.

It's like a kung fu, or commando or plane pilot thing: if you think for a second, so much things happen in that second that even for reacting to one thought: you are completely out of context, of moment, of flow of presence, consistent awareness and the consequence is always accumulates.

So that is my point today, to do not stop investigating reasons, starting points, WHY-s until it is clear what I want, is this aligned with 'What is best for all?' because otherwise inner reactions will arise and that is the sign of Self-dishonesty.

----
My reaction after 6 seconds writing this down in one session:
-shall I review it, shall I re-read it, what if there is typo, what if my English made me write something what is not even understandable, what if I wrote too much gossip and not direct Self-support?
Well then it is not a thought either - I push it here, everything is here - myself and the keyboard, the screen, physical, I am here - and then this 'space of thoughts' become the space of 'reality' meanwhile I am empty.
So then I forgive myself that I have this inner reactions, what I pushed here and yet still energy moves within - and then I must say that I know how good it feels this energy, after long years of mind-blowing drugs and lots mind sex I know, when this energy moves can feel so right - but within Self-honesty - there is difference when this energy is in fact fear - sophisticated separation from physical, from body, from self is this energy and the very reason of separation from here is fear, so this energy that's why feels good, easy joy, self-made up, the greatest con-science, our own Mind-Consciousness as we are able to program our own mind with words and reactions to these in relationship to anything to just feel good, see the rapist, the abuser, the sadist: they all say: it feels good, based on thoughts, mind.

And then there is a second layer, by these writings there is some energy moving, around solar plexus - suppression, automatic reaction - that is also me - that is also significant, that I am not even entirely aware: that is manifested fear what must be investigated. As this energy also will compound. And the personality I've formed and created by learning from others, parents, school, media is how I deal with energy: doing sex to release, doing drugs to charge out, having sport, doing more job, spending money or whatever the person had formed with energy and to deal with, produce, have relationship with feelings, energy: is what must be in relation to practical understanding and effective accumulation towards What is Best for All.

So then there is what Bernard wrote about personal process, to deal with inner energies of mind, of feelings, of self-stability, then head on and deal with interpersonal as agreements with partner, others, family, workspace - and then there is the universal process: wherein facing world-wide systems of energy, such as economics, politics, military, environmental, animal kingdom, ecology, the whole planet - that is another level of energy and all in are equal and one relationship therefore in every moment one is aligned with the Principle of 'Give as you would like to receive' - then it is What is best for all - and when is not then there is a problem, energy compounds, what cause friction, conflict, abuse, destruction on personal, interpersonal, universal level on the same mathematical equation what is always 'counts': 1+1=2.

That is why here we promote Effective Solutions as Equal Money, Living Income Guaranteed, what could be pretty common sense, meaning being able to sensed, felt commonly in a very practical way of and as the principle of 'No Man Left Behind' as Thou Shalt Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself.
And remember: this should be pretty obvious and if it is not, then you are not able to apply Common Sense, therefore remediation, re-education, unlearning, re-aligning is required which is also provided by Destonians who already realized what is really the priority, not based on feelings of self-interest only but of all's interest:

• Desteni I Process Lite, to learn to change and trust Self-honesty as Life as ourselves
• Desteni I Process Pro for the ones who are dedicated to be responsible for Education, Leadership
• Desteni I Process Agreement Course to find out what is Agreement with Self, with Partner and those who are effective within it since decades have built this course to share their realizations within walkable lessons to realize what we really want and why we really want to become

[JTL 95] Bernard Poolman

My moments with Bernard Poolman

Before visiting the farm, I had a dream, wherein meeting Bernard, seeing rooms wherein on the walls there are drawings, explanations, like structures, designs, informations from dimensions, like 'the desteni plan' and I had him already laughing with his ass off in my dream dimensions and I was not sure how real that was however when we I arrived at the farm, he welcomed me, hugged me, then we had a walk.

He seemed as a very calm, kind elder man, normal, extremely normal except looking like a real demon hunter as I could imagine one in movies who is just finished his job today and likes to greet people at his demon-hunting ranch. Lol just kidding. So. We walk. Guest house, studio house, shed, stables, main house. Similar as where I've grown up. Plus a pool(mostly for dogs).

I've seen the rooms where they work, even a drawing board, writings on wall similar as in my dream so I was somehow comfortable. We talked as walking around the farm and at a point we laughed quite some on how we in existence have fucked up ourselves to what degree and within that big laugh together it was obvious that this guy is me, no separation, no limitation.

Not very much we communicated while I was at the farm but when we did(that shows my relationship with my Self in that time), mostly he talked to me and every single word had real sense what I am still 'walking' into practical application in terms of support, realizations, insights.

"BREATHING IS NOT ENOUGH, MR. BERTA! I WANT TO HEAR YOU SHOUT, ACT!"

He was very kind with me all the time, once came to me and gave me figs and local fruits and other cool stuff to eat and I've noticed how much he enjoys to actually make me feel great by eating these things I always loved.

I could write these stories how I had time with him but I do not see that much relevant here - I had some issues with him in terms of not much I've talked with him, did not ask much, I was always pretty sure that I should not accept anything less from myself than who he express himself to be and in a way that formed a block in me to directly contact and ask him as I perceived these things as irrelevant in terms of 'just walk as he did and be as real as him'.

In the beginning around 2007 at the forum, I remember after 3 weeks doing Self-forgiveness and started to do 4 count breaths, I wrote to him that "well, this process does not quite immediate, this will take longer than I anticipated, this mind is still here" and he lolled at me.

When I asked irrelevant questions; from Bernard, from Jack, from Sunette, I just got that 'you will find out study and apply the material' and eventually did - so I realized all I should do, walk, be here now, I should stand up myself.

This has been my strongest gift and greatest curse as well - doing myself things and even when required, not asking for assistance, the lone wolf syndrome - and justifying with 'but if I do it by myself, that would be the only real, really me, even stronger than with others, so then in any existence in any life I could reproduce it if needed, so then that would mean I am standing as any and all existence' - and now I understand, it is not me who I walk, but who I walk out from as existence as Bernard is as well: is existence, as Portal is existence, as Desteni is existence, is Self-honesty, is Equality as the Living Words is existence as each human can be capable of if applying the tools, dedication, motivation and common sense constantly.

I've met with shamans, priests, lamas, gurus, rimpoches, masters, successful businessmen, magic men jugglers, martial arts pros, outstanding scientists but that confidence, the softness, the firmness, that stability and presence of Bernard was like comparing a mosquito's shit with mountain Fuji. He was completely off energy, but direct physical sound expression with what one could perceive him as magician, enlighted, god-like presence but with tender from which if was required - direct thunder came but only with the specific force what was required for the supported one to let go energy and realize and understand the Self-dishonesty.
I heard him shouting and it was not anger, it was sound so intense I had to remind myself it is not towards me however with and for what I reacted to it: was me as Self-dishonesty, so that was eventually for me as well. That was strange to realize, to remember, to stand.

I heard and saw him playing with dogs, it was not love, it was sound - more direct than we perceive the words with what we accept ourselves to describe these kind of things.

And the relevant things he did I only read but made sense - the articles, Process, the removal of White Light, the Forgiveness of Demon dimensions and Mykey's story of him, It is beyond that any human mind can comprehend.

In the first group chats I was really shocked how effective he was able to handle these things and were able to support dozens of people within their self-realizations even through some words, sentences.

I am quite aware how this whole story sounds especially for those who are not familiar with Desteni or with me, but I write this for long term regardless of time, right here and I am sure in one thing: anyone who separates Desteni group, Bernard, him, his work, his expression, his beingness from and as Self: Self-forgiveness is required as he was not a person but a Principle, Life itself, Universe in and as the human physical body what we all are capable of, therefore I do not accept anything less than who I really am as Bernard suggested to walk as principled equals every day.

When I heard the fact that he is dead, I had quite some of shame for what I have not yet transcended within me and how 'faster' my process could be if I could push myself at points when I allowed myself to give into the temptation of entertainment, self-interest, fear - but this shame is not for remain shameful but to remind me what I must transcend right here in this very moment, each moment.

I also had reaction like I will not meet with him again as he told me he could show stuff later but that made more stronger the support what he unconditionally gave already and that I commit myself to give to others as well unconditionally.

Because when the moment comes: I want to die well, no shame for anything I am or this existence is as myself.

And that is why I stand for Heaven on Earth, World Equality, Equal Money System, Equal Life, Living Income, because that is the only way for me to manifest these to be who I really am and who Bernard stands as Principle here and hereafter.

Because if we see the current system, as it is today, as 'norms' are built - I do not give a damn to norms, even if 'heaven' sounds as religions, even if 'forgiveness' sounds like Jesuit, even if equality sounds communistic - I am absolutely clear that how these things really are as very possible way outs from this systematic hell we are within and Heaven is when every living form is practically respected Equally and on Earth is the real deal, all others are just imaginations, mindfuck, not real, so I challenge anyone who has some smart ass, any love or enlighted feelings or claimed realizations to then support what Desteni stands for.

Do not see Desteni as individuals but see the words, the principles, the action it stands for - and investigate - and investigate with common sense and investigate within self-honesty and realize: any reaction within: is not Desteni, it is you, so Desteni is supporting you already to show what you are responsible for without even be aware, directive.

Thank you very much!

[JTL 44] I have to move: part two

Continuing on my last post: [JTL 43] I have to move .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have to move - indicating that it is not me, as Self-direction move by common sense decision but of circumstances, of pre-programmed reactions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that who I've became is the result of external programming within internal processing of thoughts, feelings and emotions and as long as I participate - I am the puppet of my self-created mind as physical expression.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when and how exactly I consider specific thoughts as myself and other specific thoughts as 'mind' - indicating that (t)here is a self-definition of which I am not aware of and being defined by I am automatically am and not questioning it, not even seeing it as my-self-creation and within what I manifest it within action without understanding, realizing, seeing how and why I am doing it and not even questioning it, only after doing it and facing it's consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forgive myself conditionally, regarding to circumstances and using systematic expressions within me to follow how I forgive, when doing so based on self-definitions and not common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not decide who I am as Life but as who I've became based on experiences and using memories and feelings and thoughts to justify who I am as already manifested creation and never considering in the moment when it MATTERs, that I am choosing the way who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself into a path of energetic cycle wherein I am reacting and after enough reaction I step a level within which I start to notice that I want to move and not realizing that it is because I am constantly occupied with thoughts, feelings and emotions and not directly, immediately seeing within myself what I am doing and how I am accumulating certain reactions, physical actions and only realizing when manifested and experiencing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as who I am based on energetic reactions and if in the moment I have pleasant experience - I never question, I never use common sense for what I am actually doing because in the moment I am hypnotized and conditioned, programmed and bound to focus my attention for the experience of pleasure, excitement, high-ness, tension, temper.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being human as identifying myself with thoughts, feelings and emotions and focus my attention to that and defining this as being who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the specificity is the key here in self-forgiveness therefore it is not enough to write down that I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to follow thoughts, but exactly the patterns and exactly the circumstances and the starting point I have to see and understand within myself for why I am behaving so to be able to stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define awareness, as myself as presence define as some sort of energetic state within what I am in focus and meanwhile I can be aware and when I am not doing so - not defining myself doing so - then I am not fully present and that is still me but not 'in focus' - and not realizing that when I am not fully present - I am not existing but only as reflection of my past dishonesties.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be specific within Self-forgiveness directly as I face reality without generalizing, without making rules of them, without trying to automatize, schematize, pre-define and categorize - I simply remain here undefined - and what I see within myself as Self-dishonesty - I forgive and actually become aware of the responsibility to stop it as myself with no separation. I breathe, I act, I am physical.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to use common sense in terms of renting a place to stay and how much it costs and how many rooms I do require and what requires to consider my financial status and what would be common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that moving(from living from one flat to an other - basically renting) is complicated, long and unpleasant - and not realizing that this is an excuse to do what I would do if I would be self-honest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depict an image and likeness of me about what I would do if I would be self-honest and not realizing that the very self-imagination is based on mind - as thoughts, images, coming from the past therefore participating within imagination is a form of re-looping myself with the past.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the only valid imagination is when I imagine what would be the best for all participants within human physical existence within common sense as equal money system to grant life rights for everyone without any condition and to actually working on this to manifest it.

Support context:
http://gianjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/05/day-350-mirage-of-self-part-2.html

"reading Bernard Blog from today, I red about how it is pointless so to say writing and doing self forgiveness on point where I only keep on doing self forgiveness or writing in response to emotions and feelings an thoughts that I experience and that is within me, because the thoughts and the feelings/emotions is already a product so to say of something else.

And it was said within common sense that if one do not understand the creation process of the thoughts/feelings emotions then how can one possibly understand thoughts/feeling and emotions and so in return stop them.

Because I see that if and when I only do self forgiveness on the emotions/feelings and thoughts the whole time without fully understanding how I created them that I am within such actions accepting and allowing the thoughts to still be ME, when they are not me."

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that it is pointless to say and write self-forgiveness on point where I only keep doing self-forgiveness in response to emotions and feelings that I experience within me - without understanding the creation process of the thoughts/feelings/emotions - and stopping the source, which is me exactly where the point as self-dishonesty as manifested self as me originates from.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down within myself to the degree that I can see what I do actually within myself and understand why and really see the dynamics within what I participate and be able to actually to prevent manifesting further more thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I repeat something in the moment of my focus to not doing so and automatically manifesting it - then it is already part of my manifested self - therefore without given energy - I manifest it by default as the religion of self within what I believe blindly without really being aware of it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I 'just' forgive myself' what I experience meanwhile the days - will not be the solution as the source and the core of self-dishonesty is embedded, encrypted and hidden within the already manifested self-definitions of me as me who I believed myself to be to a degree that I've programmed myself to become it by default, such as the thinking, feeling, emotionalizing myself regarding to physical reality interactions.

When and as I realize that I am repeating something without being aware of why - or doing something by default when I am not focusing or directing myself not doing so - aka - returning to my basic programming - I realize it is what I must dig out and investigate within myself through Desteni tools to get to the core of the self-dishonesty and actually committing myself to change and stick to the physical, common sense and practical application to stop it breath by breath without energy of thoughts, feelings and emotions.