[JTL 76] Reviewing priorities

Some native language Self-forgiveness I will write meanwhile I write on composing and perfecting and compressing the current post for Drugs & Paranoia Research and other writings. I actually enjoy it but takes time and then I realize - nobody yet written about that before with this starting point so I find it to be important and supporting for myself and others so when realizing it: I find it to not being difficult to work on it for hours.

I've noticed I am effective within writing when I take turns - first the draft, second is structuring and third is finishing the points. At least.

Mostly I write my blog in one sitting - I sit down, I write it and I share it and if I have some time I might re-read it on Networkedblogs via the subway and correcting the bigger mistakes.

But I've accumulated some dissatisfaction within me by allowing some parts and some points to be not perfect - in terms of walking points fully or leaving typos and misspellings or even the sentence not being simple and clear even for myself, what is unacceptable, so then I do not share when it is not yet ready.

But in the meantime I could write some Self-forgiveness and Self-correction at least in my local language - that is also faster and more simple because I am natively speaking/writing in Hungarian - meanwhile with English I am comfortable with already but still sometimes finding words/meanings and making grammar and meaning-related mistakes. It takes time and what is time but Decision - I have time for what I want. Of course beyond my working hours for money. But at times when I write daily I see that I have a slight inner movement within that 'I should continue my music exploration' and 'I should learn more animation' and even 'I should edit/cut more videos' meanwhile I see that within prioritizing writing Journey to Life and Agreement Course is THE priority. Time. Always limited.

Before I was accepting myself when I had guests or I had activities what took my whole night, that then I did not write. But recently I've pushing myself into direction that I write every day - at least in the morning I wake up and a half an hour - but then that is not enough.
Also within walking the Agreement Course assignment - I write quite some and not many times I share from that, only when specifically wanting to share.

But I see that I've stabilized so much within writing - and even my Hungarian has improved as I write English the structuring of words - and recently only writing in Hungarian only when writing long emails to local people I know - and I see that I also improved by that so I will write Self-forgiveness in Hungarian for a while meanwhile the Paranoia Research and other writings will be in English.

In the meantime I realized I had issues and problems with working on my 'art'-related projects by wanting to 'fully' work on those for instance for a full day but that was very rare and I've realized that it was an excuse to not progress by subconscious resistances.

I mean I've set up a high-end audio equipment at home and my only excuse now is that there is more priority to use my time for the writings but I've realized that with video I've moved beyond this limitation as I am able to just load the video project, work on it for some minutes/half an hour and then closing it and actually I am able to progress with those... So if I really want, then with music I will be able to do so...For instance it took a half year to finish a video clip but now it is done still could be better but it is acceptable for me(what is something lol)- and I've worked on it quite a lot but never more than 1 hour in a session and now I see that there are about a dozen video projects I am doing and randomly I progress with some - and also I've noticed that whose I am being asked by and in fact 'pushed' by others - I see as 'threat' for my 'fragile' schedule and writing commitments so I rather not do those by myself unless the person is taking the time and come to sit with me and then we do it together - however some of those projects has 'deadline' and I've decided to finish those so I will find time for those anyways - yet still keeping the writing as priority.

Okay, so this is it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to schedule my time according to common sense and prioritizing the tasks based on Self-honesty without inner judgment/conflict.
I forgive myself that I have judged myself that if I want to do something then I am able to do it only when I do not do anything else on that day what is way too much and in fact is excuse for not doing it at all meanwhile I've proven to myself that I am capable of doing things from time to time slowly but surely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share posts in my blog as imperfect meaning allowing typos, grammar mistakes and even not understandable sentences because of rushing and hurrying and being tired and not being present while typing and not reviewing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify and by that skip sounding Self-forgiveness and Self-correction and Self-commitment and projecting it doing so in the future wherein in fact I will have an other 'new' post what with I do the same and not realizing that within Sounding my words I am able to see that am I equal and one with the words or not and if not then I will face the lack of specificity within time looping the Self-dishonesty and then I will become aware of that part of the same point meanwhile I could make sure to walk it properly within absolute Self-honesty in the first time, what is common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having enough time and fearing from not being who I defined myself to be because not having enough time to do things which by I could define myself as doing so therefore my personality being experienced as 'real' as who I've defined myself to be and not realizing that all self-definition is based on a certain fear what if I do not realize how I've created, I am the result of my self-dishonesty until I do not realize and stop.

Desteni I Process LITE -free-

[JTL 68] Self-forgiveness: feeling special

Feeling special is total delusion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel gifted and lucky and special when I remember that I have been given many ways throughout my life especially given money for free therefore thinking that I am taken care of by forces what I do not comprehend therefore I must be somebody who must do something outstanding because I dot not know anybody else has got the same way money as I did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or judge that in any way whatsoever that I am being special because within the system I have taken care of and at points I was lucky to have financially supported.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special because my mother has been always resonating this to me and towards herself and anybody else how clever, smart, nice and special I am and I have reacted to this with apparent humbleness meanwhile within feeling that I am special but I am nice only when I play humble because in fact I do not know why I would be special yet because of the events and circumstances still defining me as special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special because based on the education and school system and by the points the system judged me I got better points than my sister therefore thinking that I am more special and more clever and more valuable than her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and believe that I am special and unique because at basic school the tasks what required computing and thinking and mathematical skills I was able to do it meanwhile some could not and I was able to do it faster than others and therefore the teachers handled me as nice, cool, special meanwhile the others were handled as not as good, not as cool, not as special according to their value system without explaining that this is irrelevant for life because they, the teachers were not educated properly as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special because at school I was promoted with specific prizes such as dedicated books for what they referred as exceptional learning results and they allowed me to feel special because some rules I did not have to keep what others had to such as doing walkabouts and running jobs for teachers with other 'good learners' meanwhile the others had to sit in class and study we were able to walk and play outside in the village therefore feeling lucky, special and judging the others as less special and less smart therefore less valuable without realizing that I was adapting value systems from school system, parents, teachers without being aware of that this is subjective and supports the mind and the feeling special meanwhile supports the others within feeling not being special and feeling not good enough and less valuable and by that supporting their mind equal and one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special because I have been judged as nice eyed by many and people stopped by and approached me because of judging my eyes were beautiful and special and nice therefore feeling special and defining myself according to their value of beauty and judging myself based on their feel good when they judged my eyes according to their value system and defining myself according to beauty and specialness and value based on other's judgment and defining who I am according to these values meanwhile feeling good and feeling overwhelmed and completely disregarding myself here who I am as here as physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as special because at home everyone were busy working on things what required to be done, mostly physical work and sometimes I felt like I should find a better way, or more practical way, or a way with what I need to do less and having the same result by thinking over, being smart or finding a way by what I could invent a method by what they also could do the same job with less work and at times I did so therefore I've defined myself as smart, as special as others apparently never bothered about 'thinking over' or considering better ways or more practical ways to do the simple physical job such as cutting/carrying wood or shepherd or take care animals, deliver water to plants and I was always busy to find ways to do less yet do the same result therefore feeling different, feeling special meanwhile in fact I already defined myself so special that I do not need to do the work, the job what with simply things could be done but wanted to spare my 'sweat' because I am special, smart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel different and lonely within my family, within the village I've grown up because I judged others as less smart than me and judged myself as special because I was able to have a different view simply by over-analyzing and thinking about the simplest things what people apparently did not and I always wanted to seem smart yet the starting point was to not needing to do things what always interrupted my own activities what I 've defined as important meanwhile the tasks others gave me I've felt as distraction therefore I wanted to get those done as fast, as effective, as quickly as possible with the least work to be able to return to my own activities what were mostly poking my computer or my toys/games.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have disregarded myself as physical as body here because within the feeling special and within the energetic state of thinking about everything to come to the conclusion that the experience, the inner judgments are more important, more valuable and more smart than simply directly doing things within remaining here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate when tasks were given to me by family adults such as gardening or taking care of animals and meanwhile I did these I was not fully present, I was not here but thinking about these things or thinking about other things meanwhile doing the jobs what were necessary to do to get my 'free time' what I've defined as myself as my interest meanwhile the other things I had to do I've defined that it is work what I do not want, I have to do because that was the only way I was able to have my own time to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special because being able to handle machines/computers efficiently meanwhile most of the people around me had difficulties to understand/use/program these therefore they judged me as smart, I've judged myself as unique and special and by that I felt the right to think whatever I wanted to be able to judge this as important meanwhile the other tasks I had to participate within I judged as bullshit such as work with adults, clean room what seemed irrelevant because I am more than those therefore feeling special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special when the teachers exceptionized with me in terms of punishing others for not doing homework while only smiling at me and saying 'next time you should' and not understanding this made me confused.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand why some teachers liked me and hated other students meanwhile all they did was not understanding the subject and all I did was to be the smart and nice guy what teachers liked and reacted to by their own lack of understanding how to teach properly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lucky when I was not failed at first economic class while by my results I was thinking and seeing that I should be failed but somehow the teacher allowed me to pass.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand how I passed in artificial intelligence part 1 subject while the teacher said that I do not understand A.I meanwhile she allowed me to pass meanwhile when she said that to others they have failed what made me feel lucky and special and happy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lucky and special finding money on street, at parties, on beach, on other places and thinking that this might remain and I will always be supported by invisible hands because I am special.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lucky and special when being abroad and many people invited to their home and supported me and provided everything what I needed without asking and not understanding why they are so kind with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lucky and special when with my girlfriend we were allowed into the Egyptian pyramids by a backdoor at the cemetery and having the ride illegal and very cheap meanwhile police came and our guide was so brutal with the policeman while I was thinking that my girlfriend will be robbed and I will be shot and then nothing happened and I felt extremely lucky and I was thinking about this how happened that nothing went wrong meanwhile I did not do anything particular.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lucky and special in Egypt many times for instance going into a governor's house through many layers of military blockade meanwhile I did not understand why they allow me in and talked with the high officer meanwhile I felt myself as nobody yet thinking might be I am not aware of how special I am and by that I went into self-judgments instead of remaining here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lucky and special while traveling abroad because meeting with people and having experiences of not understanding why I get things apparently free.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to feel special and lucky because I did not see as fair meanwhile all I tried was to balance out my already accepted self-judgments of feeling lucky and being special and I could not stop that as automatic reaction because I did not understand how my mind works and how I accept thoughts/feelings/judgments/emotions as part of real me meanwhile energetically reacting to something what purely I've created and by that I judged myself as not fair and selfish meanwhile these things I did not direct yet I was subject to and I had the fear that I must pay the price for these apparently 'positive' events and at least by self-judgments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lucky and special when sleeping outside in cities even at places what people judged as dangerous and I as not robbed/harmed but accepted and liked meanwhile all I did was that I was not aware of the possibility to not be harmed and after it I was thinking I was lucky because I thought within fear that it might have been differently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and my past that I was lucky and special because I was supported, I was not harmed and I got what I wanted and never considering that all who I've defined myself to be is based on self-judgment what with I had attracted events what I defined myself to be and people reacted to it and even if it seems to be 'good' for me - it has impact to others as well meanwhile I did not consider that, only the part of 'what is good for me' and after it happened I've judged myself that 'then I am selfish' because it did not make sense and I did not consider using common sense.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I identify myself with the reactions to memories from past as feelings/emotions/another thoughts - I have experiences what I've believed as myself but all what happened that I've programmed my human physical body to chemically react to energetic reactions within me with euphoria and then feeling guilty when seeing others are not really feeling this kind of experience therefore defining myself as 'selfish' meanwhile I did not stop defining myself based on reactions with common sense because I was still accepting and allowing thoughts/reactions/feelings to react to and by that experience defining who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form any opinion about who I am or how I should feel based on memories and experiences especially what peaked with energetic reaction as feelings/emotions/other thoughts about who I must be, how I must be, what I must do, or how I must feel without questioning.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider what is here and what is physically taking place because of overwhelmed, mesmerized, hypnotized by the experiences I've had within as feelings/emotions based on opinions to have myself right, to feel special, to feel lucky because otherwise I've defined myself as unlucky, ordinary, lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as unlucky, ordinary, lost because of the family I've born into was poor, they were confused and reactive and they did not seem happy only at times when they reacted to their thoughts/feelings/emotions therefore I've thought that this is the way to feel good and to feel how I want to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel unique, special, found because by that I can feel good because then regardless of who I am here I am somebody, not only by me but then by others as well so therefore it must be true because I've questioned myself that am I real, am I doing what who I am? Indicating that I am not real, here, as myself, doing by and as the starting point of who I am and I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to question to reconsider this starting point within by decomposing, letting go, removing, forgiving each associations I've made with the events/experiences/circumstances/reactions I've had throughout my life.


I commit myself to stop the energetic reactions by and as thoughts/feelings/emotions to feel special, unique by re-aligning myself here as physical equality with everything and everyone within common sensical practicality.

I commit myself to decompose all my memories to what I react to automatically with feeling good/bad/unique/special/lonely/lost/ordinary as a polarity system what keeps me automatically busy meanwhile I disregard what is here as reality being lost in the experience by not realizing in each moment that it is always changing, never consistent, in fact not matters.

I commit myself to not react when something happens by accident/luck without judging or trying to measure that is it of my luck or the 'universe' likes me because it is completely self-delusion therefore I forgive myself to judge events and possibilities so then I can go into 'positive' reaction to disregard physical.

I commit myself to expose all opinions to what I react with positive energies and see is it best for me and best for all or not and if not then letting it go practically and sharing the process within consistency.

When and as I define myself as special or lucky I realize that this energetic reaction is to overcome and balance the already accepted self-definition being unlucky, ordinary, lost therefore I stop reacting to it and I direct myself to stop defining myself at all, specifically here as unlucky, ordinary because of my memories, circumstances and as special, lucky according to my judgments and remain here undefined, expressive without energy, without condition.

When and as I feel that somebody is referring me as lucky, special I do not react within I direct myself with common sense.

When and as I feel that luck favors me I realize it is a casino system wherein some wins and most loses what is not best for all.

Check out DIP LITE for Self-support to stop the mind screwing into experience what is real here.

[JTL 67] Stop the addiction to hope and feel good

It seems like I've lost my ID card.
Some guys say that it is a HUGE problem as people can abuse it/me because they just open a new dummy company or report false tax return in my name(my sister had this) and I will be prosecuted.

My initial reaction was 'I might lost it in my flat' so then after I've searched through the apartment I've concluded that I might really lost it'. So then today I will search the flat again before reporting.

But the initial goodwill was some sort of 'hope'.
Within my past by spiritual delusions and absolute trust within eastern mind tricks I've developed this belief that I can trust in the system, in the events, circumstances, people I face. Obviously not always but when I was not sure or I should have to question I did not really.
I see here this is a some sort of depression transformed into laziness mixed with a hope that everything will be eventually alright.
Because I am still here, I am still breathing, did not lose my hands, feet, I was never fired from any workplace, I did not really starve, my family was not bombed into shrapnel etc.

Mostly within my travel I've been exposed much abuse, child labor, child prostitution, exploitation and literal slavery however directly myself I've been lucky.
I've been lucky enough to live in a country wherein starving is not easy and having a job in an office means I will have food and medical care if I break my leg it will be cared by the system itself.
This is when I do not direct myself and I am not really here - then I hope, I procrastinate and I believe. Not directly, consciously, but when I see objectively, this is what I ACT - or by this I do not really act.
When I am aware of the inevitability of my end as death, when I can embrace the fact of the abuse is happening around me, a bit more far than I directly live and wherein humans are abused in a daily basis - I can DIRECT myself and do what is relevant, or at least what I see doing as relevant such as writing, sharing, preparing myself to be who I want to be in order to take responsibility within consistency.

So I opened up why I am in hope and how I believe in goodness meanwhile I am in fact produced by the environment what is not really caring about me but it is a balanced system wherein I see that by this system taxpayers are required and by the money I pay daily to the government a system is maintained what is not capable to act based on a principle of What is best for all.

So the first reaction comes up why I use the excuse and justification to hope, procrastinate, believe is fear from doing wrong, harming others and not being fully sure what I should do.
What if I decompose it with common sense it is obviously excuse because it is quite obvious what is required to be done: stabilize, share myself and participate within group activity what I do quite slowly - or at least I judge myself this way and then by this conflict I experience and when I am in conflict I do not really act but I go into a state of questioning and doubting and analyzing everything based on my believed past and theoretical future meanwhile disregarding what is directly here.

Second is that the universe likes me therefore makes me good, even if something apparently painful or bad seems to happen I am gifted and therefore everything will always be alright because I have no direct memory of brutal abuse around me therefore I do not have this need to change things around me.

These are serious ILLusions because my moments are tainted with these definitions by what I filter my decisions to act especially when I am in the state of reactions rather than Self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in a greater good which takes care of everything including me and not being constantly aware of the massive amount of abuse is taking place all around the world by acceptance and allowance people who are also mesmerized with an energetic reaction by hope, what is in fact fear from taking responsibility and actually making sure to PREVENT abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only have the interest of me, myself, only I here and as defining the fact that I do have food, shelter, medical care and entertainment, I am good, I am taken care of and I will be alright what I judge and by that I have an energetic reaction of feeling good what I never consider that it is a balancing out of fear of something bad can happen and I do not have direct power over my reality and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become programmed and brainwashed that there is a greater good and projecting this hope to 'universe' what is alright and from far fetched looking existence judging it as 'nothing is wrong' meanwhile not being self-honest with myself to be aware of that I do judge this for the energetic experience of balancing out the fear and powerlessness what I have in the first place because in fact I am in fear and powerless and not want to acknowledge, to expand because that is not who I've defined myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deluded and mesmerized by the energetic experience of hope because then directly having this energetic reaction by what I can feel good by judging possible future scenario and by what in fact I have excuse and justification to not ACT in each moment according to what is best for me and for all equally within the consideration of what is already here as programmed consciousness systems, abuse against all life and as myself as self-definition-based self-limitation by fear of loss as who I've defined myself to be and wanting to hide it with positive re-affirmation automatism.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the energetic trap of hope because it is the oblivion I escape into when I do not want to directly face my responsibility here and the fact that I do not have power over myself here and to change that and stop being powerless requires constant and consistent work and by defining that I fear I can not be entertained and stimulated by energetic reactions what I've defined as positive meanwhile not even be aware the fact that I've addicted myself to feel good, positive no matter what therefore even if it means to actually do nothing meanwhile feeling good is accepted I am not moving and having the excuse of not having power to change.

I forgive myself that I have not become aware the moment when I give into the temptation of feeling good and by that stopping directing myself because I've defined myself that if I feel good I do not have to do anything but experience this good until it lasts because it surely will not last therefore wanting to enjoy it to the last drop and already defining myself to be sure that after the feeling good is off/depleted/gone I will be motivated again to make sure I will actually feel good again and in fact not really doing more or beyond this as I've defined myself to be a happiness/entertainment/feeling good closed system without acknowledging that this is actually the opposite of LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to motivate myself with and as principle as all life in each moment of every breath by disregarding the energetic addiction of feeling good, fear from not feeling good again and defining my goal/destiny and responsibility for only making sure that this feeling good within self-interest is enough and all my power I can have because until today this is all what I experienced therefore this is who I am meanwhile the whole human system and living ecosystem is in destruction by this very acceptance of each human equally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I feel good I have the tendency to stop and want to have it more and stop and focus on the positive feeling because apparently it is limited and will go off and until that not being directive but reactive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel from not having good feelings again because the only way I've accepted myself to be is that for external stimulation I can feel good and by that internally I am able to have this energetic experience of positive what with I can heal my self-interest and rejuvenate my mind consciousness system that everything is alright until I focus on good and positive meanwhile in fact I am negative and my starting point is causing negative in the system meaning inequality, separation and accepting harm and abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged for addicted to feeling good and wanting to have to feel good from the most simplest things in order to not take away much from all others for my 'feeling good' addiction because I feel responsible and I want to minimize the harm I do yet not considering that if I feel good, I've programmed myself to be interested only about experiencing it until it lasts, mesmerized by the disregard of my fear for the moments I can lie to myself that 'now it is good' meanwhile it is not any better but by I react with self-judgment to specific experiences with I can stimulate myself to have this automatic apparently positive re-affirmation I am chemically bound to physically feel dazed, stupor, drugged what I've defined as myself and who I was and who I must be, how I must be and that I deserve.

TO DO HERE NOW:
I re-search now the flat again and if I do not my find my ID, I will go into the office to report and ask for an other, no 'hope'!

I commit myself to become aware the addiction and the event of feeling good and happy and how I am stopping myself expressing myself as DIRECTION and degrading myself into REACTION only meanwhile disregarding everything else but my self-interest and then I motivate myself with and as Principle of who I am is LIFE as expression of What is best for me is what is best for all.

When and as I feel good I stop and I realize the starting point of this is feeling not good and want to overcome, mesmerize myself to not investigate my starting point but want to balance out, stimulate myself to have this chemically dazed experience what I've programmed my body, my mind to react with positive affirmation - and in this moment of realization I breathe and I let go the judgment and reaction of 'defining it good' and I focus to what is here and I realize my responsibility is always here and the experience of 'good' will not last.

When and as I hope that everything will be alright or I will not be abused I stop the fear from needing to do something meanwhile I've defined doing something and directing myself means I can not have this energetic good feeling therefore directing myself is not 'good' enough but required to 'have the good feeling' so it must be done but only for this 'feeling good' meanwhile not realizing that I disregard my starting point of fear from not having good experience and hope for having more good meanwhile all I do is chemically stimulate my body to be dazed for my self-interest therefore in this moment I stop and I let go and walk through the addiction for this physically programmed stimulation of daze breath by breath.

to be continued...

[JTL 64] Breathing presence versus tiredness of mind

2013.06.23 Breathing presence versus tiredness of mind

I've noticed that there is a relation between breathing within physical self-presence and tiredness.

I've also noticed that many times I wake up - I am not really myself as Self-direction.
How horrible and gruesome can be to acknowledge to oneself this very statement that I am becoming aware that I am awake yet I am not myself.
This is a very new territory within myself to explore so even words were never to describe this but after almost a week in the forest without any tasks to do I was able to notice and become conscious about it and within writing I am stabilizing and remembering this realization without any thoughts and backchat. Mostly because I can not trust within my own thoughts - even the very vivid ones are related to outer conditions and inner circumstances - therefore to 'make' a specific thought-pattern is not really easy within my current state therefore many apparent 'realizations' I think through and after some moments it is gone and there is a quite some amount of time until I will have the opportunity to become aware of it.
And it might work if I would have about a thousand years to become aware of all details and layers of my created-self but actually is not - I am already 33 years old so let's be practical and stick to this reality. I should and in fact must grasp all the most effective assistance and tools to practically stabilize my realization of walking out of the mind system to get actual direct physical reality as self as life as fast as possible because my days, my breathes are numbered and after all I will simply decay. So let us not waste any more introduction and jump into the middle of it.

I use words to describe as a feeling and will specify then and self-forgiveness with I will open up the responsibility points to prepare for self-correction and become aware of it once and for all.

My nose is stuck - not really nausea but some sort of - and taking a breath seems to be difficult and really takes effort and full awareness, like each tiny particle and segment of the actual pyhsical action of taking the breath - it is like I divide a second to 1000 parts and each parts I must literally push myself through my nose - and my chest is raising and lowering and the air I push through my nose - trying to make a path of air - and as I am pushing - I am focusing onto this physical breathing and meanwhile I let go of thoughts - and then I realize I've been constantly following thoughts - for minutes - from dream state to actually be awaken and even walking around, maybe already sitting on an underground and once I realize that holy shit where am I?
Mostly I come to the conclusion that I am kind of numb, tired, my mind is some sort of dirty, noisy, rude and slow, imprecise and I am suppressive, submissive and reactive.

After a point - it feels like I am sort of 'charged up' and energized to a level wherein I just remember all of the stuff I've been through - it is like my whole lifetime I am walking again - and when first I've taken my greatest sufferings and all the psychedelic drug experiences wherein there were some sort of clean moments wherein I actually am empty and everything is within me and I am undefined - and then this whole process was about 23 years to face - and then less and less time required to walk through the same circle and it SEEMS like this circle is repeating more and more faster - but it is still the same: I become aware of Self-direction and presence as requirement of inner purification - and I walk it and then I lose it and then I am automated again - what mostly nobody can notice.

And then I come to the same point wherein I realize holy shit I am automated and I can stop and direct myself and change myself.

The whole psychedelic years were like trying to automate myself, to perfect myself to program myself to a perfect awareness machine - still within the belief that after all I will be able to just sit back and observe meanwhile direct it with my intention and never considering the separation and actually to be the movement all the time is the key.
So this program is still like if I feel awkward, shitty, bad, hard, difficult, negative - I go into this some sort of 'more awareness' state wherein I am able to re-program myself and when things seems to be like I should be headed to - I pull back and just hope that as this 'vector' I've started to push myself into as direction - will get me what I want and not realizing that at the moment I let it go, let myself 'go' - I am letting the automated self again to take over and even if I change parameters within or even some definitions and rules:

awareness can not be programmed into and as me;

only breath by breath as presence as direction is required and in fact myself as direction is the key to be awareness - by practically transcending the mind in each moment by fully understanding myself within each situation - and it is not just like 'once I take the red pill it will be the other side' - that is self-dishonesty because I am not here in each moment because within myself I am me, not the moment itself - as the moment is never real without me.
So enough the philosophical stone - back to practical breathing.

Breathing is difficult and my nose is a bit stuffed with things what must be blew out or picked up - and there are extensive amount of self-definitions about only being this aware of breath character when my nose is clean, I am not tired and I am already through the conclusion of thoughts are prison and uncomfortable.

That's why I am not really returning to presence as breath because these conditions by I have defined my awareness.


Today I had this - just returned to my new home from the forest where I've accommodated to living there in tent, no housing, electricity, nothing really, only springs of water, food, fire and sleeping bag with tent - and lots of plants, insects, birds - I've started to program myself to be aware in those circumstances - fresh air, windy, natural environment.
And then I've came back into this flat, confined rooms, warm air, nothing but my belongings, no plant, no insect, no sun, no moon, no stars.
Today I've felt quite sleepy and tired - I've eaten and went back to sleep, and then packed around and cleaned up some and went back to sleep again.
Now watched half a movie and eaten and had a coffee and decided to write - to start writing - but still if I skip 'push' myself as decision - I start to feel sleepy and tired and want to lie down in the bed and fall asleep for a half an hour.

If I do not drink enough water - it is also like this - so I start to drink water.
After having the cycle for taking a pee and drinking water - I am hydrated and start to focus to my breathing really and coming out from the thoughts.

This is not typical - more and more I wake up in the morning as 'okay stop thoughts/dreams' and I am disregarding thoughts already - or having thoughts but as I am acting and doing things - thoughts are not really relevant but still influencing - or I wake up with no thoughts immediately that also can happen - even sometimes I am already in the subway meanwhile had not really thoughts - and it does not mean I am self-realized - that would take much more consistency to actually stabilize my constant walk out of the mind of thoughts...

Also this idea that I must push and direct breath meanwhile I am 'focusing' to breathing is already self-definition and of separation as self-dishonesty.

And this is the case only when I am alone - when someone else is here with me - I am quite fast giving up internal programs and focus to physical and the other but still can occur that I listen and follow thoughts especially when I get used to the other one or I have nothing from the other to get and then I start to be bothered about the things apparently I can not do what I can when I am alone and that compounds and then I start to focus to be able to be alone and do my things.


Next thing is that thoughts can come mostly when I lie down in the bed - regardless of what I want to do - if I am alone - thoughts come - and then I think and then mostly I want to sleep and then I simply stop the thoughts and then I feel tired and fall asleep.

So it looks like I use thoughts to shepherd myself energetically towards desired directions or use the 'no thoughts' 'state' to be able to act according to my interest.

Self-forgiveness: sleep, thoughts, tiredness, breathing:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define tiredness as an excuse to not breath naturally within physical presence as practical way of disregarding thoughts as the result of empty mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use tiredness as a reward for myself to have an excuse to take rest wherein I allow myself to follow and being stimulated by thoughts as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by thoughts I am stimulating myself with energy and to stop that energetic stimulation I experience a lack what I've defined as tiredness because then the self-automation system is not effective.
I forgive myself that I have never ever considered that I have programmed myself to react to each possible circumstances in my life to react with thoughts and by the energetic reaction of thoughts I am activating specific self-definition systems of personality within what automatically comes alive to tell me and direct me who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and build up my personalities upon to a energetic state of hope that with thoughts and characters driven by self-judgments and self-definitions as thoughts I can get what I want and I can get to a state where it is taken granted and I can lean back and just enjoy the work without needing to work again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project relaxing and resting to the future wherein I will just get without giving and I will my dreams fulfilled and whenever I face difficulty, I imagine this dream of mine and reacting to it with positive reactions I feel energetic and then experiencing myself as good and judging everything as 'alright' and 'nothing to change' or 'reconsider' therefore remain within and as personalities of the mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that relaxing and experiencing my body as relaxed and without stress, anxiety and fear can only be experienced when I am doing literally nothing and never ever considering that within self-directed action I can be relaxed and free of stress, anxiety, fear and fully present as myself.

I forgive myself that I have never considered the common sense within decomposing and understanding and deprogramming my already manifested conditioning towards my environment, my requirements and my energetic inner reactions to be able to stop it and explore what is beyond automation.
I forgive myself that I have never considered specifically take apart my daily living such as waking up, lieing in the bed, walking, doing specific daily activities and see and explore within self-honesty about what actually I am doing and the patterns I repeat based on my interest and belief systems.

I forgive myself that I have never considered the possibility that if I disregard breath as self as physical here - then I regard something what is not breath as self as physical here what is not really myself but of conditions what are formed and shaped me without me being aware of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not gift the time to myself to decompose my daily living and forgiving each aspect of self-definitions and beliefs and practically stopping each part of myself what is not self-directed but automated by circumstances and in fact not supporting me as all as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require physical force in order to breath properly and by that force pushing and literally blowing the air through myself in order to disregard thoughts within the belief that I require force against the already manifested force of my thoughts as self-inversion as mind consciousness system to stop the separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define lieing on bed as thinking or sleeping only and never considering being inner silent meanwhile resting my body.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within physical action I escape from the acceptance of thoughts, because judging physical action as good against thoughts because being occupied with the body and it's senses meanwhile defining thinking as not effective.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I stop thinking only when I act physically and never considering acting physically breathing here within the self-direction of being relaxed.
I forgive myself that I have never explored to direct myself to remain here as presence as expression without accepting thoughts and when thoughts come waiting for them to pass over or following thoughts to get to conclusions from where hoping to not need to think because then apparently 'solving' issues within and not realizing that only creating layers of self-definitions what is not related to reality but of already accepted layers of self-dishonesty through giving permission to think instead of act directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I do require force and energy and attention and pushing to overcome thoughts and not considering to simply allow my body to breathe naturally meanwhile remain here as presence without any force, energy, attention, focus, pushing and within that never see/understand/realize that by the very act of 'overcome' I am participating within polarity within the starting point of accepting myself by giving permission to thoughts to move within and wanting to equalize instead of seeing within myself as self-intimacy about what exactly those specific thoughts show me equal and one with me as reality what I am not standing within self-direction as equality and oneness therefore correction within physical and stopping is required to explore, manifest and stabilize while remaining undefined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up as thoughts and not present and allowing myself to wake up, walk and act meanwhile being occupied, influenced by and directed through thoughts and never realizing that the solution is here as stopping myself as the very specific thoughts one by one and there is no way around, no way to overcome, force through or balance out but each one to understand, decompose, forgive and stop moment by moment and remain within the stopping until it is removed completely such as thinking about things what I forget, and thinking about points what I must do during the day and wanting to memorize the to do list by thinking about it instead of use physical body to remember such as writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use excuse to think that I do not have time to write down and thinking that having the thoughts about it and reacting with another thoughts to these thoughts are same effective as writing down specifically what I want to do and remember.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I do not direct myself in this state of who I am currently - then the direction of mind as thoughts, emotions and feelings will direct me what is not really me but of self-dishonesty of past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about things what happened already and judged those by positive or negative such as I did like those or I did not like those because of something and not realizing that the very act of thinking such indicates that I had judgment what is not related to the thing what I judged but only myself therefore I am realizing that within the very act of thinking about it I am exposing myself of fear from facing directly it because without judgment I might experience it as it is and I wanted to have the interest to specifically react to it the way I've defined the best for myself and accepted and allowed myself to program this into and as my physical to automatically do so without ever questioning it and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move and act within the acknowledgement of not being fully myself instead of stopping and releasing and disregarding what is not me here and re-aligning myself with and as self-direction as physical presence here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define horrible and gruesome the self-judgment of myself not being myself here instead of stopping.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from acknowledging that I am not here as self-direction as  presence but of programmed automations of past-conclusions based on thought patterns because if I could dare to acknowledge to myself that I am not fully myself here then I'd do something about it because to accept myself as not really myself would cause me to discomfort, frustration and then I'd push myself to change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come to the conclusion that I am not myself who I am manifested here and never realizing that the very manifestation of myself is actually the truth of me therefore equal as one supporting me to face myself within and as the physical who I really am as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my presence according to and dependent on my nose is stuck or not.
I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that to define myself and my presence and self-direction based on the air can come and go through or not is self-dishonesty because it is of self-definition to telling me who I am according to my nose's state and projecting responsibility towards my nose and the air how can go through.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and judge myself regarding to how my nose is fully of stuff or not and conditioning myself and my breath and my presence and who I am regarding to it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my self-direction and presence must be conditioned to how much water I take and how hydrated I am and how my nose is free to breath through.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed because of picking my nose because my mother always told me not to meanwhile I've always noticed that I am less tired if I can breath through my nose with less effort if it is clean so defining myself according to my nose's cleanness and fearing from anybody noticing that I am picking my nose and never realizing that I can use common sense and if it is not accepted to do so in public then I can do it at places where it is accepted such as toilet, bathroom etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself regarding to picking my nose and become addicted to picking my nose because defining it as it gives me energy because when not doing so and therefore my nose would be filled with stuff then I would not be able to breathe through my nose naturally therefore if my nose is full and not being able to clean it then defining it as negative energy or myself becoming energetically less or more tired.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define to hate to breathe through my mouth and when I have to do so then defining myself as less effective, less aware and less energetic and less present and not using common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my responsibility to be myself here as self-direction based on the air I can take through my nose or not based on how my nose is filled and never realizing that I can direct myself to use common sense and not allow myself to be defined who I am by any circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as numb, acceptive, submissive when I am not able to breath through my nose freely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop acting and be physical by going into experiences of thoughts, feelings and emotions within the hope that it will be good for me and not realizing that it is self-interest based on energy of accumulation of self-dishonesty of past.

So after this one I will get back to my drugs and paranoia series as I have still much to share and walk the correction.

2013.06.24: Being here is who I am
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as not being self-directive in every moment of every breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to difficult to describe the experience how and why exactly I am not directing myself in every moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be practical within this world and never realizing that if I disregard physical reality, I am disregarding myself equal as one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that without writing myself within consistency – I do not have a chance to walk through the mind as it is designed to not transcend within a lifetime without assistance and dedication and discipline.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never consider that the number of my breathes are finite and never realizing that if I do not live by and as principle – then I am allowing myself to waste myself within the disregard of myself as life as principle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as numb, tired and dirty while accepting and following and reacting to thoughts and never considering the choice to actually disregard thoughts and stop participate by realizing what is the starting point and the reason of these thoughts and realize that I must do something about it to stop them as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within path of evolution within I am reaching the awareness by walking through the same path all the time and always faster, quicker and more direct instead of using common sense and stop directly and discipline myself to not start any path towards any result of stopping but directly stopping myself without any path.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe within psychedelic path wherein I can use chemical substances to help myself to stop the cycles of thoughts and mistakes by boosting myself or stopping myself or liquefying myself meanwhile not being able to fully understand how I am doing so within the hope that I do not need to be aware of each and every single detail of my own creation and the reason for who I’ve became here by simply taking substances and using it’s effect to overcome difficulties what I’ve defined as I can not transcend by and as myself without the substance and it’s effect to my mind and never realizing that what effects the mind is still of and as the mind and by this I am still accepting the mind to be directive and I am not here as self-direction as absolute self-will and self-honesty because there is this condition by what I am limited, directed and separated by from myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my breathing is difficult because I’ve walked into my mind deep and to walk out of it requires energy and force to ‘come back to surface’ and playing this energetic game to ‘go into’ and ‘walk out’ meanwhile my breath is in fact always here regardless of my mind or where I put my starting point to – I am always breathing and the question and choice is that where is my starting point as self-direction as what I am aware of – the mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions as starting point or physical presence as reality as breath as body as me as all others equal as one here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define waking up in the morning as a process wherein my dream is transforming into thinking and by thinking becoming more and more energetic and from a point by this energetic state I define myself as awaken therefore being able to direct myself by the mind through who I’ve defined myself to be without needing to think about it but programmed into the body.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in and as one moment and being here completely, fully, without any path, process or progress – simply I am here and I am directing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define directing myself as always moving physically and not realizing that I can direct myself to REMAIN here without moving any particular body part or even walking/crawling/running anywhere but being here and being aware of the body is already self-direction.
I forgive myself that I have never realized that I have never explored self-direction meanwhile not moving my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from losing myself and falling into the universe when I am not moving my body and not thinking but being here, remaining here, directing myself to remain here and experience myself here and express myself as being: HERE.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/define/believe that I do require energy to be here, to remain here, to direct myself to be and remain here and never realizing that I am always here and it is who I am – therefore the very energy what I defined is required is the opposite for: to not be here as myself but of and as energy of mind as not real but of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can lie on the ground or in the bed or anywhere meanwhile not thinking and not requiring energy to remain here.

[JTL 42] Investigating Self-automation

Continuing on [JTL 23] Life-awareness taken granted is not possible topic and how I am automated.

At moments I am simply becoming automated.

Speaking with friends/girls when having fun just comes from 'hip' and seeing what make them funny and then doing so
Cleaning up my camera lens and equipment
Talking with children
Dealing with animals
Taking a bath and clearing myself dry
Peeling vegetables
Washing dishes
Cleaning out a bath
Filtering out water from cooked pasta
Walking into a metro
Going into crowd meanwhile walking slowly in line to ride the auto-stairs
Tie my shoes
Clipping my nails

I have tendency to go into automation within these moments meanwhile be able to think about things what I react to with positive or negative feelings/emotions or want to figure out stuff I do not see through yet or fear from failing within(not even directly aware of the 'fear', just a tiny 'worry') or feeling cool about, or excited to face(meeting a girl for instance etc). For me thinking is not 'good automation' - I do not cry over it, rather investigate within self-honesty. But to see the word automation within me currently:

And there is a 'good' automation and there is a 'bad'.

Defining good when there is a moment and I can do whatever I can without concept and exploration and expression - yet it seems automatic but I can realize I am here doing so without reacting within - for instance at dancing - to specific music I dance in a way - or there are several ways to move and then I am varying these randomly - and then slowly these change - 'evolve'  - or I try new stuff - moving my hands in a way it just does - and in another moments I figure out new movements and then I try them out 'by will' - for instance twisting my hand while drawing infinity lines (90% rotated '8' symbols') - and then I decide doing it backwards and and then I am doing so - meanwhile thinking about something and feeling like my body, my limbs are like at the periphery - like an external service I use and direct for my purpose as mind to walk it around and fulfill it's desires and avoid it's fears - like my mind is the CPU of the computer and my body is like a literal robot within it is placed, many servos, inputs like visual input through the eyes, sound input from the ears, smell by the noses - and then these are like 'services' what with my mind I can use - when I want - and when I do not want - I filter these out - I can even do that I am not aware of what and where I am doing - because the 'processor' is busy working within 'internal process' - thought after thought - and meanwhile it is possible that I am physically doing something automated - yet I am not aware of really - only of that I am 'aware of' - what I want - what I currently perceive to be needed - for instance when using a knife to cut a bread at my chest - I certainly give my full focus to the knife, my hand and the bread - otherwise I might make a mistake and cut myself half...But then I did it so many times that I am programmed to be able to do so - I can cut the bread while thinking about tomorrow I will have a difficult day because I will have to work hard to make my job done properly without my boss.

And that is also automation - and then I decide and then I do it - meanwhile for instance I think that I will have to make sure that the bill I have to pay in tomorrow so I should put the check forward to make sure I will pay it - but meanwhile I am moving my hands while dancing - that I see as not good automation.

Because within movement I should be aware how I move my hand - how I use specific muscles, the feeling from meeting my hand the air - the whole body what poses does as myself and seeing myself within the space meanwhile breathing and experiencing this expanding and contracting within my lungs, feeling the air - feeling my soil is pushed to the ground while standing. That is not really automation - in a way it is and for me it is 'good' automation- but much-much less than like within the previous example: that I think that my hand should move in a way while I think of what I will have to do tomorrow while I am not aware of my breath, my body, my physical - yet I am automated.

There are endless automation within my human physical body already - and many-many I am not even aware of - only for that 'deeply' that I am able to make the specific things done - I can cut slices from the bread - yet I am not aware of what parts of my body I am using, what muscles, within what direction I am using my hand and my arms - however if I give 'attention' and 'focus' - I can observe it and 'learn' it - and that is still noticing the automation what is already programmed.

Fascinating. And at the end it is always obvious that there is no 'good' automation within myself as myself - only there is some sort of interest to automatize something in order to not be aware of the reality.

To know the machine is inevitable to see what is machine and what is not within and as myself.

And at this moment I am sure that there is good automation - for instance I have a software what I just start when I plug the camera into my computer and it copies the new movies/photos from it to the predefined directory, so I do not have to bother - I can do other things meanwhile - that I like as automation - so no further investigation is required for instance - but that is not myself as human, however this 'decision' and 'conclusion' of 'no further investigation is required' is also 'dangerous' as once I get to that - I remain so until something 'wrong' happens - in the given example I like to do that in each month, the software copies the files into directories named by the number of the day in the month - but when the month is passed and starts a new - it does not know - and will copy the files into the same directory - I have to be aware of that it is already May so I have to change the setting to copy the files into a new folder, from April to May. So then it is not absolutely automated anyways. Another point to consider reflecting back that to myself as some sort of 'organic robot' as well.

Very-very strange to do this kind of observations however it is assisting and supporting to realize to which extent I am not aware of what I am actually doing - only when it is required so or deciding alike.

For instance at dentist when there is no escape and what I do with my body and what patterns I follow while thinking to escape inconvenience and unavoidable uncomfortably and pain.

Or when I am sick, have a fever and walking in the city within the smog and everything annoys me and I am exhausted and sick - then the tendency to follow thoughts instead of remain naturally present in the moment is more 'possible'.

And to describe myself with probability at circumstances already indicates that I am not really fully aware of myself therefore this writing and investigation is common sense. To be continued, thanks, enjoy breath!

[JTL] Day 10 - Re-defining Responsibility part 1

This is walking the mind to have an equal and one standing to be able to direct it as myself according to the principle of What is Best for All.

Check out the Journey to Life blogs:
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com
http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com

Join the Journey to Life group if you are ready to walk the mind to be equal and one with to have a chance to direct self according to what is best for all.

AND WALK DESTENI I PROCESS LITE COURSE FOR FREE:
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com


Until recently, I've had the idea of responsibility is a thing what is unworthy of my attention as apparently it seemed not worthy within my value system's effort/gain ratio.
For a long time I was unaware of my responsibilities in terms of who I am as Life.
Since from my childhood, for long term I was seeking opportunities to abdicate my responsibilities for what I've accepted and allowed to manifest.
When I started to apply Desteni tools, I was astounded how much I've missed from who I am currently even within apparently that was my first 'cause' - I always realized the flaws within myself when faced consequences but then it was always too late and then I had the pattern of judging myself and blaming others and suppressing anger what was absolutely not a Self-honest Life-walk for sure.

I was always within the perception of I am a tiny particle within the world yet I always wanted to change it meanwhile I did not want to change myself but I had to acknowledge some real changes within myself AFTER "life change" events/accidents/relationships - but the idea of me, myself, here I can change at any time by my will - was obscured, was under the carpet, because I was continuously changing anyway simply by facing the world - but the starting point to change for I had to study and apply the Desteni material.

The starting point from my mind, as thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, perceptions, pictures, personalities, characters, desires, fears

to

physical presence, being aware of my breath, disregarding the internal feedback system(the mind as mainly thoughts, feelings, emotions), and to live within Self-honesty an equal and one relationship with and as everything what is really here, as Life as all as one as equal.

To stop suppressing LIFE within and as me is my responsibility.

To start exploring self-limitation according to the mind's starting point I apply Self-forgiveness, as I explore the words which through I manifested the relationships I exist within self-definition.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize my responsibilities right here where and as my human physical body breathes as me as equal as one.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the necessity of realization of my responsibilities.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand what responsibility really means.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with an idea of even being possible to skip or escape my responsibilities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that without realizing my responsibility I am still and continuously and constantly responsible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form myself according to the idea of abdicating responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a definition and a preconception about the word responsibility without being aware of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have definitions regarding to the word responsibility meanwhile not being aware of what and why I react to this word as the self-accepted self-definitions, patterns, memories being associated whose to I react with another association, definition, judgment, pattern, memory - by what I abdicate self-presence, self-responsibility here as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from realizing all my responsibilities within and as myself as this world regardless of the current human system's impulse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and have an idea about what responsibility means by and according to media, movies, advertisement, other people, friends, family, workmates.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from realizing our REAL responsibilities what to we all contribute without being aware of within the current world system.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within running away from responsibilities actually I was running away from myself as the limitation what I've accepted and allowed myself to become and exist as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from response-ability for and as who I've became.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that responsibility can be interpreted different ways as trying to have a justification or a reason for why not taking responsibility for and as who I currently am.

I commit myself to stop any definition existing within and as me regarding to responsibility but self-responsibility as self-honesty in every moment of every breath.
I commit myself to re-defining the word responsibility for what is best for me and best for all as response-ability to investigate myself as currently I exist as relationships towards points within and as my mind what I can unveil by the actual investigation of writing and Self-forgiveness and living the Self-corrective Action.

When and as I realize a self-definition I accept towards/regarding to/about the word responsibility, I stop, I remove, I delete the reaction, I remain here constant, consistent, breathing.
When and as I blame an other for apparently her/his responsibility - I realize that I should reflect this back to me as 'what responsibility I abdicate as self?'.

When and as I think that I acted irresponsible in my past - I realize the consequence is here, I am here, I realize, if I react the same way, I do not change , but if I stop reacting, I can see myself as the relationship of responsibility about the current, specific point - so then I can see myself exactly and how and why I have accepted such self-abdication and I change, as the best act is the prevention: preventing myself to remain within the same pattern.
---

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea of procrastinating/postponing to face my responsibilities within the hope of maybe I do not have to push myself instead of realizing that within any moment I do not push myself as physical presence as Self-honesty - I can not be trusted, so I stop, I breathe, I let go and re-align myself with and as Self-honesty as physical presence within action regarding to 'What is best for all'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I see anybody else feeling apparently 'cool' within abdicating self-responsibilities - that does not mean that it is my way, or I should desire for such 'way' or I should act the same according to the desire for 'abdicating my self responsibilities' within the specific context, the topic about I have the initial mind-relationship within as -responsibility as avoidable.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within my state and process not living principled living in any moment means I am abdicating self-responsibilities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and become angry at myself -and not being aware of this- because I want to change immediately - and by desire - instead of realizing that real change requires constancy and stability what I abdicate in terms of every day walking the process of Self-honesty by having excuses as 'too busy' and 'not enough time' and 'what I wrote today was not 'finished'' etc - instead of realizing that I am the creator of my time, my energy, my action, my day - and no one can be blamed for this only me and within self-judgment and suppressed anger towards me - I participate within self-dishonesty because within self-judgment I have the starting point of 'I do not change' - that's why I judge myself, that's why I become angry at myself - instead of simply changing myself in the context of the judgment until my mind is empty and I am here as physical presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that postponing my responsibilities I actually postpone facing myself and postponing the realization of my equal and one relationship with and as society, nature, animal kingdom, physical reality, existence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the points I act according to my past as the imprinted resonance of what I've accepted and allowed myself to perceive as 'Talamon' is of and as layers of consciousness, what is not physical, what is conditional, what is of and as self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I do not dare to write down as really exists within myself, within my world - I do not want to take self-responsibility for what I stop and I realize the resistances for writing are also not real, and the more I judge these resistances and my relationship with my resistances to write - the more I accept and allow myself existing according to these self-definitions based on specific self-dishonesties - the more will compound and the more impact will have on my life without myself being the director but the directed, the puppet of my own self-dishonesty manifestation within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined fully scheduled weeks as avoidable, because then I would not have the ability to just go and do whatever in the moment I am reacted to do - but I would be scheduled to do the things what I've decided to do within an effective way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for being effective yet not wanting to absolutely use tools to schedule myself in order to manifest myself as effectiveness and efficiency within what I do by and as consistence and constancy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility towards applying what I have as knowledge regarding to deal with practically living in a busy city wherein tons of impulses are bombarding me and it is my responsibility to be aware how I react to these and how I am influenced and how it is related to what I've decided to walk.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that it is my responsibility to stop escaping from what is here as all as equal as one by wanting and hoping to get high from anything what I've defined as acceptable such as sexual arousement, smoking, killing in computer game or simply being obsessed with anything what I only can enjoy by thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from structuring my life and daily living because I've defined it as prison because I've defined freedom as anytime I can do whatever I want and not realizing that I've defined freedom according to my limitation, I've defined freedom by and as my mind as desire for abdicating responsibilities instead of re-defining freedom as myself being here always absolutely self-honest with myself and living this in every moment of every breath.

I stop defining freedom as 'unscheduled' week.

I define freedom as Living Absolute Self-honesty in each moment, breath by breath within the consideration of 'What is best for me is what is best for All!'.

I stop fearing from structuring myself and my responsibilities within an effective and practical and common sensiscal way.

I stop defining freedom as 'something what has it's price' but Absolute Self Honesty applied in Living in each moment.

I define structuring my weeks and time-management as my self-responsibility.

I take responsibility for and as myself, everything I've ever done or I exist as.

I take responsibility within Oneness and Equality by standing up as all as equal as one as life.

I take responsibility to stop defining myself according to my past (one minute or ten years, same) - I am here as presence within and as moment as breath.

--

Next time I'll be walking the specific detailed list what are currently existing within my life regarding to Self-responsibility and investigating the self-accepted relationships within my mind what influence me to be not consistent within effectively walking the process of birthing myself as Life from the physical.

[JTL] Day 9 - Walking through self-defined character of me : Woman pleaser PART V.

In the last posts (Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV - I was writing about how I've became addicted and defined and limited to pleasing woman and having complicated relationships what is not really supporting me and all others.

I commit myself to write and re-align myself to the actual preparation and scripting for myself to really change and be able to act and live and make decisions within my life what is in fact equally best for all.

This is walking the threads of the mind to have an equal and one standing to be able to direct it as myself according to the principle of What is Best for All. Check out the Journey to Life blogs:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com
http://humanitysjourneytolife.blogspot.com/ http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/
(and many-many more)

Join the Journey to Life group if you are ready to walk the mind to be equal and one with to have a chance to direct self according to what is best for all.

AND WALK DESTENI I PROCESS LITE COURSE FOR FREE: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know and be aware of that I follow a self dishonesty within me when judging woman's about my perception about how great I can imagine to have sex with her even when she did not give me permission to me imagine her doing sex with me - and by the reaction towards that imagination I come to the conclusion of she is sexually attractive for me or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be aware of that I follow and react to self-dishonesty within when automatically judging a woman about can I imagine her doing great sex with me or not and then acting towards her according to that inner judgment. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to this inner judgment about women to become automatical in terms of being able to see women as 'desirable sex objects with what I could experience great sex' or defining women as 'this is not my type for what I get aroused to'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within the act of inner judgment of 'sexually attractive woman' - by memories and desires actually I am responsible for experiencing separation from the actual being who I allowed to judge within based on my past, where I came from as memories/experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within visual interpretation of my world - I am automatically defining and reacting to beings/things within 3D reality based on my already self-accepted self-definitions such as 'exciting woman body' and 'arousing woman's behavior' and 'stimulating woman's voice' - without actually being able to experience and 'have a grasp' about the actual being in front of me.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the act of self-definition I already accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my physical presence and direct experience me being here by allowing a system to operate within and as me for me based on my past's acceptance and allowance as manifested Self as Self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that each time I accept inner reaction and an other reaction to come after an inner reaction - without me being aware of it, me being the directive principle within self-presence and self-awareness - actually I am behaving as a pre-programmed organic robot within self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that in the beginning I've defined facing woman as extremely stimulating as experience what I've reacted to extensively and within the reaction I've defined it as too much, avoidable, so I've came up with a systematically automatically reacting aspect of me through and as the mind fueled and directed by thoughts, feelings and emotions within the hope of gaining the object of my desire - in this case the experience of sex with a woman who I've defined as attractive.

  I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within seeking partner for me I've lost within the experience of myself being the seeker and having the lack - and I've allowed and accepted myself as this seeker after experience - actually making me responsible for the 'lack of woman and the aspects what I've defined as separeted from me of woman'.

  I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within seeking woman actually I am not considering myself but considering only the experience what I want to take refuge within as I've defined myself according to experiences instead of physical location and in fact according to reality with I am sharing with others as the physical.

  I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to immediately and instantly stop when I realize the self-dishonesty within my starting point and actions - by wanting to 'walk through the self-dishonesty' to directly face the consequences - instead of being absolutely self-honest with and as myself that actually I've walked this path already, I am aware of where this goes if I fool-love this path, it is not me, it is not lasting, it is not what I really want, therefore it is common sense to stop and re-align with myself according to self-honesty as living the principle of what is best for all.

  I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize/see/understand that when I accept and allow a self-dishonesty within and as myself - by being aware of it - actually there is always a justification/excuse/denial with what I persuade myself that it's still cool, it might have the price of 'experience' what will last but actually never.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest in terms of realizing that I will be never really satisfied when going after women according to my sexual desire, because it is of a self-judgment coming from my past - when I never questioned myself and my mind, the validity of the experiences of my mind who I've defined myself to be since childhood through decades of continuous participation within thoughts/feelings/emotions by what I've validated the fact that once I trust to my own self-created, only self-experienced thoughts/feelings/emotions - I am not real because my starting point is of self-made up inner experiences.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/understand/realize that experience is not who I am, experience is what I've made up in order to justify to remain constantly occupied within and as my mind based on the self-definitions I've accepted and allowed myself to physically become.

 So I am walking through some points in my life wherein I've gave into the temptation of being mesmerized and paralyzed and absolutely occupied with experience regarding to sexual desire for woman. Within my blog, I've wrote quite some times about my sexual desire and the suppression of it and the inner reactions what I've accepted and allowed within and as myself, that actually I've never walked this point through by facing the core of self-dishonesty : being alone not being able to become who I really am, what I've defined as hollow because I've allowed this world's programming as myself: I need somebody to fulfill me because if every fucking programs in this world stating this then it must be like that, right? if billions of flies like eating shit, then shit must be real cool, same with those shitty famous pop music, right?

 If every second radio station plays those 20 times a day, they must be cool, right? Even when I hate that song, I can sing it easily, even when I am unaware of it, I sing it's melody, oh shit, why I love that song, because did I hear it 9999 times and I allowed my thoughts and feelings to react to it and who I've defined myself to be is this inner reaction system by completely disregarding the physical wherein my body actually lives...
So in this world, in this times, one can not have the excuse and justification of: but this is what everybody says so, acts so, strives for, pays for, dies for, so why do I even resist?

 Self-honesty, because I see that I am the creator of me, I've created myself as layer upon layer within my mind about who I am, what is my purpose and what I am hungry for as experience - noticing that disregarding my physical needs in terms of body and nurturing within actual caring - but being hungry for energetic experiences, even when it is just an experience what requires intense side work to have, even when I have to disregard my physical reality for a while, even when I have to lie to myself, even if I have subject-ize other fellow humans just because they have a genital what I've defined I am required for being 'satisfied'.

Some guys around me ask me sometimes, why I am still forgiving myself, why not just forgive yourself and then just go and enjoy? Well, because it's like a thread - I pull a string and it's just coming and coming out, the threads of self dishonesty within me - and actually the whole shirt of me is of 'self-dishonesty' what I wear as mind as myself and I can not throw out the whole stuff, because at the moment it is me, my skin, my blood, the whole package, self-honesty and self-dishonesty all together - and it is only possible one by one - and if I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-dishonest about a point within me - a desire, a fear, an anxiety or a discomfort or simply a 'disregard' for other fellow humans/lifeforms on Earth - so when I forgive - I unreveal a self-responsibility what I've abdicated since long time and the physical consequence is that I am here and automatically reacting within self-dishonesty - and actually when dropping the veil of a self-made up delusion - then it is possible that I will notice an other self-dishonesty within me, hidden behind the one I am actually forgiving - within and as my mind what I've accepted and allowed to be my god, believing the thoughts I experience as me, the feelings of happiness as me, the emotional shit as me - but in fact these are just internal feedback systems showing equal and one for me what I've accepted myself to became - a programmed energetic mind separated from the body, but requiring the energy of a physical body, using the physical energy of body yet disregarding physical by stating that love and experience is more real than the the actual human physical body and when experiencing loss and grief and sorrow, playing the dumb 'why me? why why why?'. and Then using this 'why' and reaction as an excuse for one is not standing up as all as equal as one as life within oneness and equality.

Even when many-many are walking an example how to deal with the mind within the consideration of 'What is best for all, really, really'. So that's what desteni people - destonians - walk - no more compromise, walking through the shit properly(even if it means many hours to walk through and give myself the gift of stopping, changing through and as the living Word as Self-forgiveness) once and for all - to make sure that within future expressions of ourselves - we are in align with the principle of 'what is best for all' - what is absolute self-honesty, but it is not just something what we can 'contemplate' / 'meditate' on - we have to walk the practical way wherein we ensure that we do not justify and suppress the shit we sit on as dumpheaps and call it as life.
There is no other way but becoming aware of our self-accepted consciousness system imprint on and as the physical - and self-forgiveness is here, free and effective within self-realization because we can mark the self-dishonesty points within ourselves with self-awareness and responsibility - to see when it comes again, who we really are, can we really change or we just say stuff but never stopping to reacting to the mind. The same mind within as energy as seeking positive as the World System Mind Consciousness of Money in the world seeking more revenue - the same - as long we do not realize this point is the same - we are but puppets of our self-dishonesty.

That after not really seeing successfully working and really caring relationships what last - everyone is of desire and hope and after all when one finds out, it's actually worse than being alone, then one will justify it until the last breath or until when brutal abuse happens, then being able to stop it and saying 'I did not know'...

So returning back to walking through being me the puppet of my self-dishonesty: The most relevant reactions coming up regarding to this are the followings:

-when I was kid and watching TV, deciding to want to have a beautiful woman as depicted in movies/novels/magazines.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that imagining my future and myself according to movies/novels/magazines about everyone can find their life-partner who with I will fulfill my desires and basically ensuring my experience of happiness what I've defined myself according to.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the starting point of media sharing images people to be attracted to is money and profit and no matter how I will react - it will be based on the starting point of people sharing media, what is of their need for money and within me reacting to these images and likenesses of depicted relationships and apparent beautiful experiences within human relationships, as to be with a woman for me - I'd even pay for getting this experience and then not realizing it that why I pay for things in this world because of this self-accepted lack of experience what I can transform into fulfillment by being affected and mesmerized by an image and likeness of a self-defined beautiful woman.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that there is nothing to do with the actual image and likeness of a woman about how walking with her would actually assist me and her within self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that tv and magazines and novels are shared and pumped into our money-based world system as products because of people's need for earning money - actually by imprinting the idea of lack and hollowness without being obsessed with a partner within our head and being addicted and reacted to and in fact lost within the experience of reaction towars my possible future partner or my current partner.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I was a kid, my family grownup members did not know, were not aware of how actually they accepted and allowed the pre-programming and imprinting of me with these images and pictures and apparent needs and lacks within me by, through, and as TV/movies/magazines/novels.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family grownups for the fuckup what I experienced and turmoil within I've lost myself for years finding out who I really am among these self-accepted desires, fears, needs towards the images what I've defined that I need me to fullfil me instead of realizing that I am here as physical, experience will not last.

 When and as I react to a movie or magazine or a novel etc with inner reaction of 'I want this too', or 'this looks like fun' or 'this is who I am' or 'this is who I need to be' or even defining it as 'it is cool' - I am actually responsible for my experience of desiring after woman and sex and relationship.

 When and as I am occupied within thoughts, feelings and reactions and reacting to these within and as myself - I am unprotected from my self-acceptance and allowance as who I've defined myself to be and not even being aware of it - so within realizing any thought I follow, within any feeling I wave myself into or any emotion I experience - I realize I am accepting myself to automatically reacting to what I've defined as I am not aware of it, yet I am responsible for the physical consequence.

When and as I define a woman as attractive, I realize that it is because I've defined and formed who I am and who I want to become within human system, according to my and my perception of others experience based on reacting to novels/magazines/movies, so I realize this self-definition towards a woman as 'attractive' is basically irrelevant in the perspective of practicality and process of self-honesty therefore participating within such a self-creation actually I am the only one who is responsible and will face the consequence.

When and as I judge a woman as not sexually attractive for me - I realize it is because of this mind what I've gave permission within and as me as thoughts, feelings, emotions to tell me that she is not attractive for me because of how I've programmed myself towards being attracted to specific details like eye, face, body shape, hip/waist ratio and especially the clothes(or the lack of clothes).

See? So many point, a whole network is already being alive within me without me really needing to be present, just being reacted to and automatically reacting to images and pictures, as I've accepted myself to become.

When and as I react to a clothe on a woman as defining it attractive or arousing or exciting or any way I have an inner reaction according to polarity and not physical facts, I stop, I realize this is the moment when I can be self-honest and let all go and remain inner silent and act within trusting myself without thoughts, feelings and emotions.

-when I was with A. in basic school and how others judged her and me as two being special as 'good learners' and how I reacted to this and towards A. within energetic reaction 

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to others judgment within the fear that I can not see myself objectively within self-honesty but I do require others who's judgements I can react to and by that experiencing who I am and how I am.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've decided not to stand all alone within human system without being needed to be defined and judged by others because I've also defined myself as somebody who requires to judge instead of realizing that the starting point of any inner judgment based on any perception is self-dishonesty.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am a good learner instead of realizing that this just a label what people judged me and my bench-mate with because they allowed to judge people according to 'school scoring' and their reaction to school scoring - and not realizing that reacting to myself according to how I judge them about how they judge me is obviously an oblivion to live within and as.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as great by others because by that and only when I can have an inner reaction of judging myself as 'great' - to overbalance the energetic mind within myself as 'negative' with 'positive' by believing that this energetic mind of positive and negative I've defined as myself who I really am instead of realizing that it is only my self-acceptance and allowance for abusing who I really am as physical life by superimposing experiences within and as me and disregarding reality here.

When and as I realize I want to be judged by others - in any way whatsoever regardless of how - actually I am stating to Existence as myself that I can not stand alone with my beliefs, so please somebody else would confirm me that my beliefs are real, because by myself alone I am still seeing that my beliefs are unreal, but with an other telling me that my beliefs are real, I actually could believe in basically whatever I want, whatever I need to see myself to be pleased by myself in order to hide who I really am.

 -when others made fun of me because I did not know hat is this sexuality and after that one girl K, took me into the toilet and showed her properties and how it reacts to my touch

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not knowing what others know and wanting to be like them to not to be judged by others as 'I do not know what they now' and thinking and reacting to with 'I am inferior' instead of realizing that it is just their knowledge what they believe to be themselves and if I start to worry about all what I do not know, actually I am worrying about what is not real, participating within what is not real, and in fact I am being influenced and directed by what is not real but only an experience and when the experience is gone, I will be faced with the consequence of defining myself according to what is not real.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want a girl to come to me and give to me what I want because that I've dreamed about who I am and what I would deserve. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like the idea when a woman approaches me and telling me that she is interested in me because it was the most possible way for me as a kid to have interaction with woman - because I never did anything to face my desires but always worked on suppressing it as myself - and the only hope I could keep up within me that one day one woman would realize my values and she would discover and 'get' me.

 I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined approaching woman and tell her that I desire after her as avoidable because of possible outcomes of such an act I've defined not worthy, because when I would get rejection then I would be sure that I am worthless for her, and because if I could get acceptance then I would not know what to do next because all I cared about to 'get' the woman but then what - not realizing that who I've became is this hope and want for 'getting' woman - and without it actually being unsure what to do.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that thinking about a woman is self-dishonesty - because thinking requires such an abstraction what if I step to do, I am reacting within me apparently towards her according to my already-accepted self-dishonesty as the steps of the thinking, what if I would dare to slow myself down and see really what I am participating within such as accepting my past-based definitions, my reactions, energetic movements within me, the memories, pictures, emotional highs and downs and it is basically nothing more but business - energy in, energy out, energy high, energy down and in fact nothing 'real' 'business' is happening with actually the subject of my thinking ('a woman') - as a real, physical being, only what I do is judging my already self-accepted judgments (as who I defined myself to be).

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see woman not according to how they express themselves in terms of practical living in this world but only because of my desire to have a woman who can stand in this world with me for long term.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within my judgment of woman actually I am caring only about myself by considering my own experiences only.

 When and as I want to be judged or not wanting to be judged by anyone - I realize I've formed relationship within and as me according to thoughts, memories and energetic highs and downs within and as me and wanting to re-live, re-experience this relationship within and as me to have that reaction of energy to feel me alive because who I am actually without any feelings I am doubting myself that I might not be real.

 When and as I act according to others judgment or appreciation or dislike - I realize I am moving as a puppet according to my self-accepted mind as who I've defined myself to be through and as the continuous participation within thoughts, feelings and emotions since my emergence from childhood, so I stop, I re-align myself with and as the physical and let go all the thoughts, feelings, emotions and breathing here and acting here as physical within common sense.

 okay, next time in this topic, I will continue with these memories specifically especially how I give permission to what I've already defined as myself as self-acceptance what is in fact not practical and I've already walked it and am aware of it is not what I really want but within the actual 'flood' of experience within me - I disregard all my 'realizations' for a moment - what can not be accepted as excuse anymore.

 -when I was a kid and playing with my niece about exploring sexuality 

-when others made fun of me because I did not know what is this sexuality and after that one girl K, took me into the toilet and showed her properties and how it reacts to my touch 

-when defining myself being in love towards E., a girl in basic school one year younger and never really talking to her directly but as voices in my head 

-when finding and watching grandpa's sex videos and wanting to figure out wtf is this and why I am being stimulated to and how to boost my inner reactions to the degree of disregarding physical constantly 

-when talking to a girl in a lake first time and she was open and kind to me and the only I was able to focus that she was half naked and her tits -when going to boating with the neighbor Latina(gipsy) in bikini and how I did not do anything but suppressed it and justified 

-when in the tent I was with M and had desire but never allowed to show -when reacting to B-s cameltoe in high school and when she sat onto my thighs and being scared that she would realize how much I was aroused to her 

-when falling love at university to a girl who gave her attention to me and by that already defining it as desirable especially when judging her according to my already-existing desires based on pictures and memories as mesmerizing and arousing

 -when defining energy as my life-fuel instead of realizing that this energy I experience within my mind is seeping of from the physical body actually depleting it as who I am as physical life. 

-when falling apparent 'love' as inner experiences towards my later on wife at university and all the struggle I had regarding to this meanwhile I abdicated myself entirely

Okay, for now that's it, thanks for reading!

I am going to continue with an apparently 'other' thread 'abdicating self-responsibilities' - because that is currently bugging me the most as it has an impact on my physical body, especially as manifested pain in my right shoulder - but that is just an other pillar within me as self-acceptance as self-dishonesty what must be written out, understood, walked through, forgiven, re-defined within common sense and physically stopping participating within it and exploring what means living beyond self-dishonesty to actually take responsibility for myself as creation and the world as creation as equal as one within oneness and equality.