Thursday, December 6, 2012

[JTL] Day 6 - Walking through self-defined character of me : Woman pleaser PART II

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Continuing my last post about how I've limited my starting point to be with women

[I will continue with walking through wanting to be self-defined as energetic addiction from restraining my impulses about physical reality and projecting out that women need me, and in fact/indeed women to be needed by me lol]

Definitely the woman-pleaser personality must be dealt before engaging into an other agreement. One can ask what problems could arise from pleasing my partner as much as I can - well, it is simply energy - if I do it for a reason, I am the slave of that reason.

As if I have a belief why I should do it, then I accept myself as religous, be-lie-wing that is what I am, what I should do based on my original imprints regarding to women, what I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself to be and then physically acting that out according to outer circumstances.

Because in the moment I stop pleasing, the experience is gone.

It is my drug - pleasing woman because then I am getting high with her - because defining myself being high according to my partner, simply defining myself according to my partner's current mind-state - and if it is not what I've defined as joy, as this almost like 'pure' mind-energy what is re- and re-occuring within and as myself as a self-created experience.
And by that high, being able to please more and wheeling the whole thing to the point wherein experience and reaction to experience washes everything away and then that is our happiness.

But if my partner is not like that, she might be confused, and fall apart because when this drug is in effect within her, the she is high, and when not, then she is down.

And then my partner is being conditioned to my pleasing so she will need me, so then I will be able to continue pleasing my partner and experiencing my partner being pleased, I am also pleased.

That's why I went into drugs, to substitute this energetic high, and when with my partner(s)(ex) I was unable this energetic workout to maintain, who I've defined myself to be according to energy and experience, so then I was able to sense reality what is not a very pretty picture and becoming high from that for me is not possible, so I fell into the temptation of energetic manipulation through substances.

Because for not get reality into my head requires TONS of mind-energy to bubble and divert myself from what is really, physically here.

Because when I was kid, I just could not handle reality, many abuse I witnessed in my family; in the world, I was scared shitless for entering the current human world system as I had no REAL EDUCATION back there to realize the basic principles of Equality and Oneness within and as everything and how we are missing life directly here when we go into fool-love-ing thoughts and feelings and emotions, what do not last but of and as external and internal conditions and defining myself to be according to these conditions, circumstances and eventually becoming the slave of my own beliefs and I was not aware of the Desteni tools as Self honesty, Self forgiveness, Self corrective statements to stop participate within self-beliefs, about how I create energetic entities within and as my head, about love is this experience of being high for instance, what is of and as Self-dishonesty, fear.

So I've made up things as everyone else did so around me and then I got used to that and then decades passed like that and then I am here responsible for who I've accepted myself to physically become.

And pleasing is NOT 'bad' - but who we are as starting point has consequence, this time for me within sexual relationships for totemizing energetic high mind-states - instead of equal physical support and care, considering all participants for long-term and considering all as equals physically, practically.

In the next post, I dig deeper for why I've created this character of me to live me instead of me being directly always here.

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