[JTL Day 216] 6. Realising that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well

Continuing with the Principles list

6. Realising that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take responsibility for myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every moment and live in such a way that is best for me and so others as well

The realization that I am responsible - opens up the direction of investigating how I affect with my thought, word and deed not only in my life but others as well.

The things I experience within with the process of self-realization start to make sense and realizing how exactly I am manifesting who I am today with my direct participation within the thoughts, words, deeds. By understanding why I react the way I do to certain situations, asking the question of what I fear to lose, writing down the mind-construct of a conversation assists and supports me to understand why I am who I am today.

With walking the process of Self-forgiveness I realize the patterns I constitute within my thoughts, feelings, emotions and when I see that I am not self-honest about something I commit myself to stop it - and within the decision to stop I apply the realizations of how and why I participate within the self-dishonesty, the fear, the spite, the deliberate ignorance, the actual acceptance of lack of self-direction, self-trust. By taking responsibility for my own mind, words, deeds I explore what is the best practical way to prevent any self-dishonesty, which means to find out what is the self-honest way to live.
This means to live without inner conflict, without avoiding responsibility, without accepting fear, without accepting ignorance - because with the investigation it is clear, I am becoming aware of the fact that I affect my reality - who I live with, the system I participate within.

In a way I am always representing an image and likeness of who I am - who I see, hear, experience me - they can have an impression of who I am and what I do, what I accept and what I do not accept. Imagine you are a parent and you are 'raising' a child - how you behave, what you speak and act, even how your beingness resonate within your presence is in fact making an impression to the child - I bring up the child, because when they born they have no particular personality, they are sponging in their surroundings, learn like little monkeys, every parent knows that but if someone doesn't believe, should read the studies, it is determining how the child will handle her/his reality - not totally and irreversibly, but it mostly quite determining the life path one will take.

I have grown up within a place wherein I've experienced troubled beings, who were uncertain, unstable and some even (self-)abusive - kind of victims of their own family, surroundings and the system already - the 'sins of the father' is the impression we baseline the children to, which they will rebel to first, because it's embedded into their mind but then mostly accepting it or making their life about playing out against - I am kind of generalizing, but all I wanted to make as a point here is that who we are every day, what we accept ourselves to be is influencing our surroundings, not only the children, but the adults as well. Yet we don't change - can we?

Everyone demands more privacy, 'receiving' human rights - fear of being visible to all, being exposed to the world's eyes - yet no one considers to live the way what can be really proud of, as an example to not needing to hide anything, without fear, shame, not worrying about 'receiving' the human right but also to give.

I used to do the wolf-eye game, when I was a kid - to stare into others eyes until they turned over their gaze - I was relentless, because I knew, when I used to turn away my gaze, it was because of some thoughts, a shame, a fear many times - thus I wanted to prove to others, but more importantly to myself the opposite, that by me being the more 'dead eye' - the other has the issues, not me, therefore I am the stronger. It was a really silly game but after all I realized I did it based on fear - if one constantly needs to reinforce one's strength by somehow trying to prove it - it's based on fear - so later on I realized - I'd rather change myself to live a life that I can look into anyone's eyes without any shame or regret, fear or dishonesty - because I am absolutely standing, wording and doing for what is best for all.

It is one point of why I should take responsibility of who I accept myself to be, what are my motives, words, deeds - because if I stand up to a principle of Self-honesty, Self-responsibility, for what is best for all - I am one already who represents ALL LIFE and by aligning that - I can exactly see what I must change within and as me.

And we never know who we can have impression to with our expression - it is not the motive of why to be Self-honest, because with this starting point it would not be direct, unconditional Self-honesty, but in a way it is always equal and one what is within and without and if it's aligned then it is natural and dignified.

For instance I've stopped drinking alcohol since a long-long time ago within self-commitment(it is really self-abusive in all ways and only justified within the mind and if people have reasons to continue drinking can certainly know that they have identified with the mind so 'deep' that they actually believe that these reasons and justifications they say are who they are, but it's not real, it's self-dishonesty) - or even drugs - people who still do it or wants to stop doing it often have a reflection on that fact to me, like "it's good for you", "I should do the same" - not everyone but there are many.
I've stopped alcohol with a single decision - that was not difficult at all, I had no struggle, no wavering or temptation ever since - because within practical Self-honesty it is obvious that it is not supporting Self-realization, it is boosting the mind, the personality, the ego, abusing the body - even in small dosages and the 'good for the health' is also crap - I am absolutely healthy with more than 7 years not drinking at all - it's just excuse - and brainwashing, business, media and propaganda. It's the greatest common slave drug ever - and let's not deny the accidents/abuse/criminal facts either about alcohol. So by me absolutely not drinking - I am obviously clear on what message I represent about it.

I stand similar with drugs - though I've did use psychedelics for a while and there were cool realizations - it's like seeing through some windows but the real deal is to actually find the door and walk through it without anything but self here - otherwise it's still a mind-experience - not direct realization - regardless of how intense, real, promising, convincing the stuff can make one to believe - it is not required and can easily become a distraction - because drugs only work in the mind - and even the slightest effect means one is still perceiving, grasping, acting by and as the mind so maximum it can be used for facing the fact that how much we are really fucked within and without - but once that is clear - the real, actual, diligent work is required with as much as clear head as possible.

Well - I do not say one should never ever do drugs for instance - it assisted me in a way but I've abused myself with it eventually and if I could have been Self-honest, I could use them more directly within my Process, but that's the point - if I am Self-honest, I can directly face and understand and change myself, I would not need substances for it. And even that can be self-deceptive, that "well, then I will use the drugs until I am not Self-honest enough", which is again: starting point of Self-dishonesty, thus until this cycle is not stopped, one is justifying to remain within the deliberate self-deception. Which is not only affects me - but others as well - who look at me and see what I do, what I accept within and without - and also considering the fact that I am still busy working with my own mind-demons so to speak to figure out what is really real, meanwhile the world is burning, the world system is more and more far from respecting all life and the economic, political forces are reflecting back the carelessness for the real values of life - that should be the focus, real education, real standing up, real responsibility, real accumulation for the children to come.

I've brought up these two simple yet common examples - but there are many more.

It's all about facts - and if I am troubled to see the facts in this world, what are obviously crying for help, understanding, solution, because I am still figuring out what is real in my mind - I should really consider to let go all what is not physically here.

But with asking the right questions, for instance what I feel gaining with any substance - what is the reason for I am unable to experience, express it directly myself here? What is the Self-limitation I accept by letting conditions and experiences to tell me, stimulate, direct me to be who I want to be?

It's different from when I jump out from a plane and not using parachute and saying 'I am dependent on parachute to land safely' - than going to a party and simply enjoy myself and others without becoming high and drunk. What experiences I suppress or melt down with the stuff? For me it was always about opening doors and never wanting to be dependent on the things with I supported myself to open such doors - because then I am not really expanding, only making me believe that I do.
Who I accept myself to be if I cannot let go inhibitions, frustrations, tension without substances? It might seem to be a free choice but within this - am I really free or am I convicting myself?
Some might even say I seem to be a fanatic about not drinking at all - I must be in order to really not to at crazy parties - but let us not mix up discipline, consistency and stability with emotional conviction in the protection and distraction of somebody's interest for covering up facing SELF.

Facing and experiencing, expressing me and others with sober head each time I go to a party - because sometimes I go, to just move around, enjoy music, see who I am among others, to express myself, to embrace others - and if there is friction, resistance, inhibition or worry - I forgive and stop myself for it and let it go.

Look, even within the smallest points one can stand as an example - not needed to be heroic or martyr, but always considering simple common sense.

So it's just an example - I am grateful I work at a place where there is no spite, but there are such places - within company of others if I gossip about someone not being present, sharing judgements, reactions, my personal additions, which are not facts - I am maybe influencing the other to do the same - or even if I accept the gossip I give my acceptance.
If I speak up that 'I do not accept this, so please stop it' - I am making it clear who I am not - but if I give consent to it, I am allowing my surrounding, my reality as it is and that acceptance becomes my responsibility too. We can't know certainly how gossip can escalate through whom to what degree actually.

To do nothing when someone is bullied, abused makes me face the fact that I am also responsible - and I can have justification, like fear, self-definition of powerlessness or carelessness - but the fact is that within my reality bully is being accepted, it's consequence is being manifested.

And if others will dislike or reject me because I stand up to bully - it's still clear - I do not accept it, if they don't stop - I do not accept them, it is my responsibility to prevent things to happen to others around me what I would not want to experience to myself.

And it can happen anywhere and anytime - within family, at work, on the bus, at the party - yes, I can manifest consequence, like people who want to express Self-dishonesty, like gossip, abuse, bully - would not like me and might want to react to me, but I'd rather cause conflict among them than within me, having friction of suppressed frustration of why I did not stand up to abuse.

There is obviously a point of common sense - it is not practical to approach shooters, mass-murderers if that would mean they would harm or murder me but I guess even that can be an option for instance if we imagine a child being abused and I would have to apply physical force to protect somebody - yet it is Self-honesty, principle and common sense which should be my expression, not judgement, fear, because then that is also what I would show as an example, which would manifest the opposite of what I stand for.

Within this world wherein there is so rare the Integrity, Principle for all Life, it is important to realize that each of us can accumulate into the global 'footprint' with practical Self-honesty.

The world system has a character, humanity has a personality which is manifested by the accumulation of all individuals, thus each and every single human being's standing up to all life has impact and thus consequence.
The most relevant power is the accumulation here, which is the simplest mathematical equation: 1+1=2. "Two or more in my name".

That's why we should never underestimate the opportunity we face in every moment to accumulate to what is really best for all by taking responsibility for becoming Self-aware and Self-honest within our thought, word and deed.

There are others, who also walk the same process of standing up to the realization of becoming responsible and walking the personal, interpersonal, universal change - and those who are walking the Process of Self-honesty will be visible and their consistent action will be undoubtedly revealing of what they are standing up for, thus it is imperative to always look one's actions, words, starting point in greater time frame - because by time, it will be obvious about everyone who they really are by what actions and consequences they accumulate to manifest within this physical existence.

In a way it is a trust to accumulate - I walk through the shadow valley of doubt, uncertainty, fear to face who I perceive myself to be with these writings within the Journey to Life and with Self-honesty applied, within each writing I can accumulate understanding, awareness, practical knowledge on how to change myself and who I am becoming as responsible for all what is here.

It is time to not give trust but to earn by walking the Process of Self-realization - to me, to others - it's the same.

Who I see writing and sharing consistently, who is changing and standing up to all life and there is consequence accumulated to what is best for all - within time it can become a trust to give to a new wave of leadership, who will not fall into the trap of the mind of fear, desire but proving to transcend self-interest and act according to what is best for all. And this 'leadership' does not mean to become an elite, but to initiate and give an example of a possible, practical, change from consciousness to awareness and to realize that any of us can stand up and start change.

We can easily judge corruption by a judge-mental state of mind, but as somebody who I know told me once "Corruption is that from which you are left out." If we see that within this world system there is power, energy, resource what we have not access to - is maybe because we accepted ourselves not to have.

"As above - so below" - meaning what I accept within my mind - I accept in the world to - and vice versa - what I accept to myself, being corrupted my my own limitations based on fear - I will not be able to stand up to it as equal as one in the world to have the power to stop and change it according to what is the best for all participants.
If I do not investigate, understand, stop and change myself first - my starting point on changing the world will not be equal and one because there is separation accepted, there is self-interest, judgement, fear - and based on that - there is no solution for seeing, realizing, understanding what is best for all, because within the self-accepted self-dishonesty I am not yet aware of what would be the best even for myself.

That's why the responsibility starts with SELF to sort out and re-align my thoughts, my words and deeds by walking the process of Self-Forgiveness, Self-honesty, Self-responsibility and this is I am committing myself to.

Beyond sorting out inner conflicts, fear - we already can work with the same principles in our external reality as well - within seeing the cannibalistic capitalism, the authoritarian control, the abuse of freedom of speech with hate can and should be recognized and changed to practical solutions, such as fair trade, guaranteed life support, holistic resource-management, individual responsibility within the community and the application of 'give as you would like to receive' principle within social interactions.

It is not a rocket-science to do and give what we would like to get, yet if we are unable to, then it is obvious that we are not yet aligned with what should be LIFE about, which is what is practically best for all within this human system.

[JTL Day 202] Tiredness vs Awareness part 2

Continuing on the decomposing of the mind-states of tiredness...

• [JTL Day 201] Tiredness vs Awareness part 1

For starter: If one wants to be free of excessive tiredness and sleep-deprivation experiences, I suggest to read aloud the following Self-forgiveness statements for realizations about tiredness:

• Jack: Self-forgiveness: Sleeping

What can be difficult to realize that tiredness is just an idea in the mind - yet there is a point when the body needs to rest, that is another kind - this tiredness is coming from the mind - and that tiredness is not related to physical, it is layered into and as the personality of the mind, the thought patterns, the energetic dynamics of consciousness systems of what one is accepting self to exist within and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to tiredness, as tiredness, as 'I am tired' and meaning it as in and as my mind feel this experience of not having enough energy, feeling lack of energy, feeling difficult to focus, remain present, effective, directive and defining it as a trigger point for getting energy, getting energized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a dictionary in my mind ready to be triggered about the categories, experiences, situations in regarding to tiredness and whenever having the thought of 'I am tired' - automatically believing it as truth, reality, fact and not being aware that it is just a thought, a self-definition sentence with the word tiredness, and if I use it as how I am, I am becoming my thought without questioning it with 'Am I really tired or just I defined myself to be tired and then believed in it and then feeling as tired and thus then becoming tired?'.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the tiredness I define myself to be can also be accumulation of self-judgement for self-acceptance for instance 'I am being tired of this shit' - indicating that I accept something what I do not prefer yet not doing anything about it and that to acknowledge, accept as well also making me tired - in fact being tired of who I accept myself to be as not acting, accepting yet judging, reacting, as if I were not responsible for what is in my reality, as who I experience myself to be in regards to being tired of something, meaning tired of my own dishonesty to accept towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define many things as making me tired and having memories, references about what exactly makes me tired in what amount of time and regardless of physical, mental tiredness in fact - when the rule is being triggered, the thoughts of tiredness, the symptoms, the lack of energy as tiredness would come up and I would accept it unconditionally, because who I've defined myself to be is the personality,memory,word-matrix in my mind what is already programmed to react with specific energetic or lack of energetic experiences and that I've given permission to influence, direct who I am within my physical, mental beingness.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that when I am not present, because being busy thinking in my mind, daydreaming, visualizing without being present, not being aware of my human physical body, when reacting with emotions, feelings, when focusing to the energetic waves, movements, flows in and as my body, while I am not breathing effectively with and as my human physical body, but suppressing the full abdominal breathing with a less deep, shallow breathing - I am not allowing my body to be effective, thus that actually can result within tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be present to a degree in and as my human physical body to see/realize/understand what physical poses, actions I do while thinking/daydreaming/automatically behaving while being in and as the mind as starting point, which actions make my human physical body becoming tired without me being aware of it, because I am not IN AND AS the body, just about, around, and over my body as consciousness, which I thought previously as cool and never realizing the fact that it is self-separation, self-dishonesty, self-limitation, because the body is who I really am, the body is the source of my beingness and the body is the real, physical me only, thus perceiving myself separate/part of it actually I am deliberately dis-empowering myself from being here.

I forgive myself that I have not understood how exactly dis-empowering myself when separating myself from my human physical body with believing I am of mind, of consciousness and who I perceive myself to be is this spirit, soul, thinking, feeling, emotionally reacting being, meanwhile as never investigated really, fully, self-honestly the facts here, not being aware of that all of my mind/consciousness energy is coming from the human physical body and thus being dependent on the body, being a leech of the body and if I define myself as dependent on my body, I identify myself with consciousness, I am separate from the body, I am separate from my only real part in this existence with the mind's operation, which is also in fact physical, thus who I perceive myself to be is totally separated and thus powerless from here simply because of always needing energy to move, always in polarities, while the physical body is simply living here.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that in my mind I can only be tired because of lack of energy as the mind, the consciousness, the self-delusion of who I am meanwhile when the body is exhausted, it can eat and drink and rest and will be rested, while the mind always needs energy, of positive and negative, to judge, to create energy, friction, conflict, which in fact comes from the human physical body and thus in fact when I am being energized to not being tired in the mind, it is always taking from the body to the mind consciousness system who I've allowed myself to identify myself with.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that tiredness is just an idea/belief in my mind of the mind, and if I identify myself with it, then I am becoming it, as it is just the sign of the mind consciousness to say 'I need energy otherwise I can't operate' which with I've identified myself with because it is the system always telling me who I am, what I am, what I must do, who I must be, what is going on and what is acceptable and what is not acceptable and within all this not seeing/realizing/understanding that it is all for not directly experience and be in real reality, because then I would be aware of all the consequences I've accumulated since my participation within existence and within that realizing the responsibility for what I accepted and allowed to manifest in this world wherein separation, abuse, neglect, destruction and extermination is constantly happening because I've defined myself as not enough to stand up for being able to change myself, change the world, but rather defining tiredness as who I am and by experiencing that feeling and behaving as not powerful enough to stop myself, the world of abuse.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within accepting myself as being the puppet of the layers of unconscious/subconscious/conscious mind manifestations in fact why I am experiencing tiredness already and also by accepting the patterns/programs/thoughts/feelings/emotions appearing within me what I take attention to, focus to, react to, listen to, to a degree of physical action by believing this is who I am and this is what I must do - and when tiredness is kicking in - using these layers of the mind to come up with something to react to, to have a friction about with the polarity judgements to generate energy with that conflict to use that energy, positive or negative or neutral to rejuvenate the mind to make it powerful enough to keep up with the constant self-image and reality-likeness delusion to perceive as reality.

I forgive myself that I have not realized and never actually really applied the fact that when I am breathing here, nothing of thoughts, feelings, emotions, just breathing here - this is who I am, that is who I can ever be and that is the most I can have in terms of being here, and if I skip a breath with following any thoughts instead - or 'slicing up' inner silence with the thoughts listening to as 'I am tired' - it is not really who I am, it is the consciousness mind system is talking and I, as an inner silent breathing physical being identifying myself with this, thus giving permission to have it's limitation, imprisonment, enslavement as well with the self-identification of energy, tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the solution to let all thoughts go and instead of 'think who I am' - actually learn to 'know who I am' and live that realization as the 'Living words' and liberating myself from the mind consciousness system breath by breath until it is done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware here in and as my physical body experience, expression to see that actually the mind is only fast, faster than I can follow, when I am disregarding my breath here, my inner silence here, even with this 'inner silence' expression indicating that there is something what is talking, noising, which is in fact not directly me, but as a reflection, a mirror-mechanism, a tool which is equal and one reflecting back to me constantly what it is what I am accepting and allowing myself to be equal and one with and as - thoughts, judgements, point of self-dishonesty manifested as thoughts, feelings, emotions wherein the separation I perceive and act according to in the starting point of fear - fear of change, fear of loss, fear of fear, fear of self.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I experience tiredness - there is a friction within my mind - and that friction creates energy which creates the experience of tiredness which is not real, and if I participate within it, I am also not real in terms of starting point, deluding myself, acting according to this delusion, I am manifesting real consequences with this delusion.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I define tiredness in any way whatsoever, I am creating the experience of tiredness, I am limiting myself to be programmed by myself and when having that experience, believing it as real, thus here as: tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically boost myself with specific drinks/foods/substances to beat tiredness by defining what it is with I am being less tired, what it is what gives me energy and not realizing what I accept and allow and what I participate within my mind and realizing that how adds into the idea and experience of tiredness and actually stop that, preventing myself to react and think, and self-define myself the same way over and over and over again by investigating, knowing, learning myself when and how exactly, specifically I would go into the think/self-define/react with tiredness and breathe without inner movement, act, remain here in the physical and re-align myself with constant presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an excuse of not transcending tiredness in the mind with thinking that 'tiredness is physical, everybody becomes tired, it is normal, after lot of work, tiredness is inevitable'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the body only requires resting only for maximum of 6 hours and beyond that the mind consciousness system is rejuvenating, not necessary and any reaction to this point is of the mind, which is of excuse and justification for escape from reality - because of the experience of sleeping more than 6 hours or the perceived tiredness in the mind to manipulate with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of when I am acting in and as the mind, as the starting point of the mind as survive, fight, strive, separated from my body, reality here and not realize/understand/see that who I really am is simplicity - in and as the physical here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop participate in the mind when I lose physical awareness, presence, principle, responsibility, direction, self-expression here because of:

• what I just did was enough to get/feel tired of
• what I actually do/experience I am within is exhausting
• I slept long time ago thus I must be tired anyway
• I did not eat/drink since a while thus I must be tired

and within these experiences/expressions not seeing/realizing/understanding that actually thinking/reacting to/judging/defining myself according to tiredness is only existing within my mind and actually are excuses and justifications to leave reality/presence here into my virtual space mind wherein I can think, apparently freely, apparently free of tiredness about anything and by reacting to that figuring out/deciding what to do with this self-accepted mind-state of tiredness, instead of knowing myself to a degree that no need to fall back into the mind but act directly here, immediately, physically, thus if I need to break/rest/replenish, then I simply do, live, act, move.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I listen to thoughts, to feelings, emotions and react to those, give attention to - I am giving permission to the consent of I am unable to be directly here always unconditionally, because at certain conditions - I need stimulation to influence/tell/direct me what to do - in this scenario - about the idea and definition of tiredness and exhaustion.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the present opportunity, simplicity, direct availability of just be - without thoughts, feelings, emotions - without fear, desire and rules, reactions, definitions to handle my expression and to be able to deal with physical/mental fatigue, exhaustion as simple as it is, being, living simplicity as who I can be here directly, undefined, breath by breath as the decision and the expression of absolute self-trust.

As currently having a flu - I face this point - regardless of sleeping and resting - I can have this exhaustion and lack of energy and within this I am realizing a lot, what with this will be continued within the next post...

[JTL Day 184] 7. Living the Principle of Self Awareness

Continuing with my shared declaration of principle:

http://talamon.blogspot.com/2014/05/jtl-day-182-desteni-of-living-my.html

7. Living the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others

I start with describing my typical daily activities when I am so to speak 'with myself'/'alone'.
I take a shower, I diswash, I take a bath, I walk on street, I travel with subway among many-many people, I work at my desk in the office, I go to toilet, I walk out to the store, I do shopping, I stand in a queue, I sit on a tram, I walk up the stairs, I clean the flat, hang out the clothes, I watch a video, I lie down to go to sleep.

I do these almost every day and within these moments it is only on me what it is I participate within my mind. In fact physically it is quite obvious what I want to do, of course I had to learn first with which metro I use to get to work but after some times it can happen quite automatically.

Somehow, somewhere I've defined freedom as being able to think, imagine, daydream about things while I am alone and doing things what are easy/obvious/automated.

And because of that I've literally became the habit of not being really, fully present within these situations.

Somehow, somewhere I've defined not having enough time to distinguish thinking/seeing through things and doing what I usually do alone so then I've came up with the idea of wanting to think/imagine/daydream about things while doing other things, especially when I am alone, or I am among others but what I do can do it even while thinking.

Back to the topic point - I've realized this is the opposite of freedom - in fact I am not present, I am not fully here, I am looping within, I am not pushing myself to express myself to the utmost potential within what I actually do because of a judgment about what I actually do.

So, what is the utmost potential to just 'diswash' all the time without thinking over many things meanwhile when to just wash the dishes is something what even a robot could do?

Within my process I've realized that the whole concept of thinking, as usually we, humans do it - is because of fear, lack of self-trust, lack of real, profound understanding.

Thinking about something can not bring anything new - it is the past evolving but it's always the same.

Also it is a relevant point that when something is not so pleasant to rather think about something cool which then makes me feel good - and in fact not changing reality here, but accepting as it is, leaving it for a moment and the next moment, and so on.

Each day I see the point of thinking would come up within me, when I am alone at home, when I am among strangers in the metro - and thinking about things I am not fully standing as equal as one with.

Within writing, investigating my accepted patterns in my mind and in my behavior - I see/realize/understand that these thinkings are always the same - there are several kind of thinking patterns what I repeat all the time - for the same reasons, every day, constantly.

These points within absolute Self-honesty I find unacceptable and I investigate and expand my practical understanding about what I actually do and what I actually think about and why.

First of all - the energetic state and reactions for thoughts - is like a 'virtual self' feeling which to I've became addicted and the ability to always 'return to that' became automatized, whenever I find physical reality uncomfortable or unpredictable about feeling alright/good or by actually feeling bad/painful to leave that into the mind, even for a moment or for a while.

This is quite a 'dangerous' permission to give because with words and my accepted reactions to words - I can re-define anything - even the meaning of 'comfortable' or 'good' - only remaining in and as my mind, not considering others, reality here.

Also when facing something what I have already defined myself about as 'fallen' and want to prevent - to think about it, to bring up all I know about it, to remember, to re-experience to understand more, to prepare myself for it - or to intensify, repeat or even suppress something what I've defined as preferable/avoidable based on the polarities I participate in the mind.

Even at moments just allowing reactions within the mind coming up randomly by looking at people and automatically judging them, 'nice shoes', 'ugly face', 'interesting scene', 'stinky old hobo', 'sexy body' and for those judgements then coming up another reactions, memories, worries, desires and then imagine about those - while just 'sitting on the bus' with staring eyes.

These are also unacceptable for me - within many years of investigations, research, actual cross-referencing I've came to the realization that when I am empty within my mind, so to speak 'dark', 'embracing', 'undefined', I can be fully here and experience directly - not defining what is here but allowing to be with the moment, not just as an observer, but actual equal and one participant, without experience of separation.

When diswashing, to experience my breath, my hands, the water, seeing the slight movements as I use the sponge, holding the dish, and just allow this moment to be simply here and not judge the diswashing, myself, nothing particular fears/desires are coming up in my mind - I am quite, in peace with myself in this moment and I am here.

When I need to consider about something - a job, a project, when having the concern about forgetting something - not to think about it in each minute within the 'fear' of "Oh I might forget if I do not think about it all the time", not worry of forgetting it - because being constantly busy in my mind with many other things, most of them are automatic, just triggered by experiences - so within that - forgetting, dismissing, being distracted is very possible.

But when I am empty, clear, present - the first point what stands out is that I stop forgetting things: when my mind is empty - I decide to remember something and not being busy, overwhelmed with hundreds of thoughts, going into these tube-like mind-experiences all the time - I can actually remember what I've decided to do.

One can say: I could set up an alarm to remind me - yes - but still - to be always present is such a gift we can give ourselves to, which cannot be really explained, just the whole experience of beingness is more whole, full, aware.

Sitting in metro and be with others - without thinking, just be here, seeing them, not judging, just experience my presence, the whole situation and not judging, yet participating, be completely open and vulnerable in each moment and trusting myself about whatever comes: I act accordingly with full of my beingness.

By walking the process of Self-forgiveness I've noticed these points emerging within me - when I am alone and doing things what I've defined previously as boring, automatic - I can be more and more present within comfortability yet it is not automatic - and further stabilizing my presence and see what points are coming up in my mind - those are the points I work on - as of fear, as of doubt, as of not fully understanding here to the degree of practical solutions.

I write down all and I commit myself to stop participate within the fear that I can not do one thing at a time fully and for that I want to go into my mind instead of remain here and find out actual solutions.

I understand that there are judgements thus perceived separations within my approach which blocks me fully experience what is going on here, because of the tendency of being a mind-person, not trusting my physical expression absolutely, only with the energetic reactions to judgments, opinions to virtually make the experience whole.

My strides become more stable, my presence becomes more consistent, my stability becomes less and less conditional and accumulating something what remains here as myself. This is undeniable now. And for me, as a person who was constantly daydreaming before, if for me it is possible to walk the process of quieting my mind, to let go the constant escapism, then others can walk this process as well.

Because within being present, here, I can become really effective with dealing things in this reality - and that is required for heading on to actual systems what are directing our lives, being responsible for preventing human rights, practical equality to be available for all and it is the first step to be comfortable, quiet and directive with myself to be able to open and use common sense with others, the system.

It may start with past issues coming up, due to the stopping of constant occupation and distraction of thoughts/feelings/emotions/reactions/images - I start to remember what I've decided some time ago, I see how much I give my power away by focusing to parts of my reality and forgetting the whole picture.

I see more clearly that how my mind, the thoughts, reactions, judgements, definitions, rules of my personality programs are constantly busy - even when I see myself as much-more quiet - it can be very surprising to slow down within to the degree to see the slightest judgements - which I've allowed myself to completely accept without question and without the actual understanding of how limiting this is. For that writing regularly assists me to see as much as possible patterns within my mind and actions and always cross-reference, specify and push.

Also I notice quite odd things, for instance at the office I go to the kitchen area for water and I count my steps, it takes 34 steps to get there - and then I walk back and count it again - without problem, without particular 'focus' - just I walk, I am here, it really feels like a superhero ability or similar when I was on drugs - just it is myself, naturally, and I can decide and direct it, in fact becomes my natural expression.

I can not foresee the utmost potential within Self-awareness - hereby I commit myself to walk the process of Self-forgiveness to stop all mind-occupations, but it is obvious that this changing is much more 'myself' that I ever experienced/defined myself to be, so it is common sense and the point of Self-honesty to principle myself within Self-awareness of what I participate in the mind and what I actually do here in reality.

It is also related to the word 'unknown', as literally not knowing myself and what is here - and with my mind trying to figure out and never realizing that the very fact is that I do not yet know myself because only using the mind for knowing, the thinking, the feeling, the reaction, the emotion, the memory, the judgement, the polarity, the desire, the fear - and who I really am and can be is not yet known and I can be only Self-aware if I stop participate in this mind.

I forgive myself that I have not seen/realized/understood the auto-categorizing within myself - thus the becoming polarity from unknown to known and then used thinking/judging/defining to trust memory, judgment, experience instead of Self here.

Unknown redefinition: When I realize I fear from not knowing - I commit myself to trust myself and slow down within and remain physical, present, breathing and make sure I remain undefined as I face and 'deal' and express what I do not know yet - myself and thus I explore myself as practical knowledge here and if required I change.

With Self-forgiveness(this link is a throughout guide for what it actually means and how to apply) I see what I already accepted and allowed by seeing what I actually participate within here by investigating and specifying and questioning further until it is clear, it is known, no thought is required, no reaction would apparently 'give' but it would 'distract' from here - then I can be fully here and actually for the first time be aware of what I do, what is here.

So, instead of approaching the unknown with emotion, I OWN it - and then make the unknown KNOWN by doing research / investigation - which is the Process of Self-forgiveness.

This is the point what I bring up about the point of Living the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others.

[JTL 19] Choice. The problem is choice.

Journey to Life, writing and sharing within self-honesty day 19.

This is supporting as context:

• Locating your own power
• Forcing change with energy vs living
• The design of thoughts

Yesterday I was observing myself how and why I accept myself within inner conflict.

It looks like whenever I am perceiving some sort of choice - I take my time within between the possibilities - I am trying to figure out what would be the best to choose. And that I am processing. And processing. And meanwhile I am making it as a Conventional warfare - the two armies marching up on a hill slowly and then looking at each other for a while and then after some deep sighs - and the battle begins and I am in the middle of it.
Each pros and cons has their own energetic value and on the battlefield what is my mind I diminish because I am busy with giving the space and time for making the apparent best decision.

Yesterday it was a bit different however, because in this specific situation - I want both - I do not want to choose, I want to have it all but it is not possible as I am in fact forced to choose by myself because fearing from consequences. In this current scenario for me to have an easy context: Woman. Relationship. Sex. But first things first:

Remembering from Matrix II:

'Choice. The problem is choice.'

 Literally. The problem is that I perceive any choice within myself - because who I really am is not a choice - if it would be - I could choose something what is not really me. It doesn't work like that. I always and certainly DO or don't DO things regardless of the inner conflict of pros and cons. Regardless of my perception about I do have a choice and that is being decided by my thoughts, feelings, emotions - those are predictable - so even if I am not aware of the starting point and the consequence of participating within 'my' 'internal feedback system' - I must admit: it is still what it is - having these energetic reactions what are like numbers and equations and with my mind I am solving this 'homework' and then I get to a conclusion and then I define myself as 'free' because by those limited and predictable self-created and self-compounded energetic participation within self-dishonesty as a matrix of self-judgments I am doing the same what computers do: compute because here where I stand within my self-created complicated system I can not directly see what I want, what I am, so I use this system within and in fact as me to make the apparent choice by processing all information and meanwhile within the perception of the ability to choose, I feel better - I feel that my 'life' is in my 'hands' and I can decide things by myself.
And the reality is way far from it.
Because I have accepted and allowed myself to separate the definition of myself from what I am here physically, I do have an extra layer between myself and physical reality wherein I can pretend to become knowledge and information and by having a certain way to judge my information(what is also in fact self-definition as knowledge and information) I am clinging on to not make decisions in the moment directly by simply being aware of who I am and what I want and what I do not want - that I've accepted and allowed myself to hide behind layers of regulations, rules, exceptions, judgments, excuses and justifications to simply be able to 'have some time' experiencing myself as apparently I am not directly responsible, I can choose regardless of the exact circumstances and the pre-programmed current state of myself by and as, through and surrounded by thoughts, feelings and emotions, memories, reactions, energetic movements etc.

Alright, I start with this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question myself when I accept and allow conflict within and as me because this is what was being taught by the family I've grown up physically within, this is who I've defined myself to be when started to mimic, imitate, and that's why I've copied and unquestionably repeated the same pattern throughout my entire life until this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never ever questioning the participating within thoughts, feelings and emotions because all I've ever known and seen by humans around me is the same so I've judged them and I've judged myself that this is who we are, this is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I stop expressing myself even for a moment - I am processing within because all the layers I've accepted and allowed myself to define who I am is so complicated that I can not see through, I can not directly experience myself here and why would I need to split myself and wanting to make the best choice according to my previously accumulated thoughts, feelings and emotions when it is obvious now already that these are conditional, not constant as the physical is and whenever I've followed them instead of directly trusting myself here and even if making a some sort of mistake(meaning judging myself with a more deeply existing layer of self-definition and personality-matrix-rule as 'bad'), simply directly as Self without any separation or seclusion or split - always trusting myself here and keep expressing myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined interesting and intense to observe battles and wars within the current human systems - yet judging it as 'disgusting' because in fact humans killing humans in the name of self-righteousness and never realizing that in fact I am doing the same within and as my human physical body by participating within thoughts, feelings and emotions by deluding myself with the perception of choice what I make by this invisible energetic warfare as equal as one: what is within is what is with out.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the most practical way to stop battling myself is to write everything down, out and putting all what I 'contain' and represent, perceive and experience by and as words and then I can directly see, realize, experience what actually I am doing in one moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do this self-delusion about apparent choices to actually 'steal some time' for being able to define myself within a secluded and limited mind-container where within I have the self-definition of I am not directly responsible, I can do whatever I want, I can make my own life to happen, I am the director of my life.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to ALWAYS be aware that regardless of what I do or don't do: I am always equally and entirely responsible for what I do or don't do within and as this physical existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually being aware of that I am doing this conflict within myself and step by step preparing myself and accumulating myself to the point of battling and the solution would be not accepting myself as conflict within, but immediately stop, and re-align myself with and as direct physical presence and expression.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that it is not a choice to give up conflict within me but wherein I've accumulated myself to be to experience myself by the thoughts, feelings, emotions currently - I am not aware of that I am in fact already stopping myself within conflict by becoming aware exactly what I am doing and the reason I do is the energetic reaction within what makes me stressed, anxious and frustrated simply because of the irritation towards myself that I still do not trust myself right here in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself within decision and facing directly the consequences because of the resonant fear from making mistakes and the responsibility what I want to avoid for the consequences because if I would so then I would face that I cannot really accept myself as the way I've accepted and allowed myself to be and then I would have to change, entirely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from changing because then I do not know what will happen, I do not know what I will do, I can not judge the future myself because that I've never walked actually, physically, and that makes me face the fact that until this point I was unable to really, absolutely, entirely trust myself within and as the moment because of the addiction towards Self-judgments, towards in fact Self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have never ever accepted and allowed myself to trust Self-honesty as myself directly here in every moment of every breath because that can not be judged, can not be predicted, can not 'create a time-space within my mind wherein I can delude myself with the lack of responsibility' and the 'delusion of I can skip facing the consequences for what I've became, what I am doing, what I am not doing' within and as existence.

I forgive myself that I have never actually allowed to forgive myself really, physically, entirely, irreversibly by making the absolute, unwavering, unchanging, consistent decision to stop something within and as myself no matter what about transcendence points I already investigated, researched, assessed, cross-referenced and it is already clear that unless I do not make this 'leap of faith within and myself as eternity as life' - I will run in circles facing the same points again and again and again and the system what I am currently accepting and allowing myself to be (perceived) will compound, accumulate and direct me into circumstances wherein the truth of me will be more and more obvious until I really change.

This I can say 'problem', because within accepting and allowing myself to be as I've just explained - is not what is best for me and it is clearly not what is best for all. So I simply breathe and let myself to re-align myself with the principle of what is best for all within equality and oneness as life regarding to this point as myself as equal as one as existence without any self-judgment, with no else reason or interest but who I really-really am as Life.

When and as I notice that I am walking towards conflict - I stop, I re-align myself with and as myself as moment as breath as human physical body as expression and I realize it is deliberate, it is actually myself accumulating energetic inner reactions by thoughts, feelings and emotions what will conclude and direct me into conflicts within I have to process through myself of layers of Self-accepted Self-dishonesty because within the moment of being lost within Self-judgments I am unable to directly see who I really am and what is best for all.

When and as I realize that I am uncertain about myself or something within myself - I stop, I breathe, I realize it is because I participate within thoughts and feelings and emotions which by I am unable to trust myself in and as moment directly and that is not directly what is the best for all, so I literally stop within, I rel-align myself with and as my human physical body as breathing, as expressing and remain undefined even if it means that I do the 4 count breathing.

When and as I start the 4 count breathing and thoughts arise, I stop to participate, I realize each time I accept and allow a thought within that by accepting and allowing a singular thought, it is accumulating into losing my physical and real presence - and in fact I as myself am accumulating myself into instability, into not practically changing but wanting to change yet not being absolutely and directly and simply practical within stopping myself.

When and as I accept a thought after accepting a previous thought, I realize I am in the pattern again with the justification of 'I am busy' 'I have to work all day', 'I do not have time for investigating and forgiving each singular thought' yet wanting to stop, becoming obsessed with the stopping without actually stopping and then I start to suppress, I start to become less and less aware of what I am actually doing because within the belief that when I am not aware of my thoughts, I am clear, I am real, and then I must write that out, each thought.

When and as I fear from actually taking my 'precious' time for investigating and stopping each singular thought because apparently I have dozens, hundreds, thousands - I realize and become aware without actually forgetting that I can accumulate Self-direction, Self-presence, Self-will and where I am here now experiencing myself is also the accumulation of the single mathematical equation of 1+1=2.

When and as I fear from spending my entire life on investigating singular thought manifestations as apparently I would have thousands of them still participating within - I realize that most of my thoughts are recurring, re-occurring, and there are a handful of original 'sins' what I repeat yet not being aware of it and using it as an excuse that how I could be aware of the starting point of each of my thoughts? Yet I've proven that it is actually possible.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider that by fearing from not having time to do the things what I actually do because I would investigate and forgive and re-align myself with singular and connected thought manifestation - in fact I follow a pattern what I am directly aware of that is not really me but at this moment doing automatically without actual self-life-awareness.

When and as I use an excuse for why I do not write down the self-dishonesty I've been participating within my day or in the last day - I realize actually I accumulate two things:
-the self-acceptance within and as physically manifested self-dishonesty
-the accumulation of self-abdication, self-frustration of not standing up for and as myself as life unconditionally.

I commit myself to investigate all thoughts, feelings and emotions what is directing and 'taking the time' to process within any situation by applying self-honesty, writing and using the tools of self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements.

I commit myself to investigate all excuses and justifications why I do not walk through resistances to really change and to really walk into and as direct moments here and remain undefined.

I commit myself to be able to immediately stop any inner reaction regarding to the perception of choice and scripting myself to specific physical circumstances to be able to have a structure and a support temporally for and as myself to remain undefined.

I commit myself to not fearing from remaining undefined as I've proven to myself already several times that the only thing I can trust is my human physical body remaining absolutely and clearly undefined within and as moment as me, breath as me by letting go all thoughts, all feelings and all emotions.

I commit myself to share my realizations about how and why thoughts, feelings and emotions are the poison of humanity regardless of any self-interest and the truth of our manifested consequence of accumulation within such self-dishonesty and the solution is in fact simply, direct, here to absolutely and entirely stop.


(Understand I do not say everyone should just do everything 'in the moment' without consideration of responsibility and consequences - for instance to start building a a mile long bridge without planning, structuring, effective practical pre-production - it is when one is allowing thoughts and feelings and emotions constantly and having uncertainty and the body is stressed and disregarded and the 'oh shit wtf now' experience is here for minutes/hours/days/years --- you know what I mean but if not, then write about it and see it for yourself.)