The point I was experiencing falling was with my eyes - they were so sore, tired, exhausted and in pain that made me feel conflicted with almost anything.
Meantime realizing that when I move effectively, that is something obvious - because things starts to happen according to my direction - in a short time so much can be 'arranged', and 'organized' and 'manifested' - and for that I am motivated to work on consistency.
Even I did take a nap in the park between two of my commitments and a fifteen minutes sleep on the grass really made a difference but still was not enough.
However I made through the week but after all some energy I compounded in my mind according to the definition: I need to rest, have some switch off and that was yesterday. I did not really do anything, switched off the phone, played a game, watched a film - and today I am walking again.
This should not be particularly 'bad' - however I see some conflict, friction within me what I expose, walk through and stop, let go.
The realizations I have found out through this week and those what I am not yet aware of here but walking within self-forgiveness it becomes more obvious, clear, that then I do not for-get but for-give.
The most outstanding point is that when I force myself to breathe 'fully', 'properly', 'normally', 'healthy', 'awareness' - there is already something within me what PREVENTS effective breathing and I know that and I do 'against', and 'opposed to' to 'overcome', to 'balance out', to 'win through'.
But as I have realized before already: any force means polarity conflict and it is conditional - so then my proper breathing will be conditioned to the already existing energy within myself as mind - so then when that energy is equated out, the condition to apply 'proper breathing force' is also neutralized.
Seems strange to speak about myself like these terms but later on I walk through the associations of these words to see how I am in relationship with conditions what I am not fully aware of yet those influence me, when I think of those words, I hear or see images related to those within my mind or outside of me.
But as it is working for the realization - I am sure and beyond these systems I allowed myself to exist - it is life. Not yet fully manifested but it is clear.
I do not yet how I do know - but I feel, not with thoughts, feelings, emotions - it is when I am quiet, it is off the noise - I am just alright yet within movement, expression constantly as Life Awareness, not Self-awareness. But first things first - this self-awareness must be understood and stop participating within to be able to explore what Life means and it is imperative to not fool ourselves with mambo-jumbo spiritual holy-light bullshit - the way ahead within stopping the enslavement of absolute utmost separation from consciousness systems as humanity, existence as a whole is quite a walk, yet what is time but myself and who I dedicate myself to be as what I am, who I am and this is life so I walk this purification until it's done.
So that is just for considering long-term availability for consistency, and realizing that if I push myself too hard, then my body will not take it, yet it is showing equal as one what I am not within harmony within and as myself.
Things came up are like:
-computer gaming if I do not do for a while, like a month, it compounds and then I start gaming as I used to: starting a game and playing it until it's over, and after a while playing it, I realize I am disregarding anything else, so I should do it more to finish it off and then 'return' to 'normal' state, into 'reality' wherein things must be done, especially my daily writing, commitments.
See: this commitment seems to be quite forced to do things daily - but for developing consistency, stability, it is really a mirror: as these commitments are not 'huge' time - if I am practical and keeping scheduling, these do not take more than 1-2 hours daily and actually support and assist me so much that within remain stable, directive, clear and actually joyful within my expression - that it is out of question I want to do it.
But there is this 'feeling' I always miss something - if I pay all bills and do write as I planned, then I miss to finish a video I wanted or I forget to call back my family member or I just let my place in mess or do not buy toilet paper or forget to renew my website domain or just forget something what I wanted not to forget. And it can be tiny-winy or huge thing - the feeling is still like fighting with elements.
There are days already when this conflict I am not really bothered with, and my pace is slow but effective and then I still forget something and then I might judge myself - so I consider that it is a process - and I have lived in conflict more than 30 years, so it is some time until I get used to realize the fact that the more slow I am within, the more fast I walk with-out. Fast here meaning effective, practical. I just push myself into a apparently 'thin surface' of trust myself directly here - regardless of this 'direct here' - how not in fact the 'ultimate here' - it is a Location from the mind towards and as the physical.
The EQAFE interview series, Secret History of Universe assists me in this extensively: within realizing that no matter how we manifested ourselves to the utmost absolute separation, the relationship between Energy, Substance and Live is always the same, meaning the separation is not real - and it is why and how not enough to simply know this fact but what it means exactly and how the beings has formed from the start of existence into who we are today and for those who always wondered about how creation and awareness has formed into this existence - it is a very unique interview series because one stops wondering and searching, and put things together and can focus to what is relevant with the realizations of being aware how it happened and why without feeding the 'curiosity demon' of the mind what always wants more and more details and definitions meanwhile within practical unification it is already irrelevant. But to let go that strive for understand, I really suggest EQAFE interviews, people this is real, how the mind works, what is beyond the mind and death, animals and how sex, money, guilt, fear, jealousy etc works and how to work on these to stop and step beyond the veil of fear of mind in a very practical, simply understandable manner.
So with listening that I understand more and more after each puzzle of those interviews...
The tiredness then is when I do not know when to stop and take a deep breath, when to stop and literally rest and let go - who I am will remain here, no fear is required from losing perspective - what I am here is who I am here and step by step working with it as myself and any separation is of fear, I write out, forgive and let go unconditionally.
Tiredness also comes from identification of self with energy, when the body is too tired, exhausted, I want to keep going and using energy to boost and that energy is of mind and with that energy the starting point is fear of not moving and then by that I do not move who I really am anyway so it is unnecessary, creates friction, reaction, separation from what is directly here as myself.
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