Investigating the meaning and ranting about the memories about the word: Trust
I start with how I've defined trust: being able to rely on something or somebody and then it's there, more precisely: it's always here when I need, so something what I expect, I hope, I want.
Several times in my life I actually concluded to the point that I do not trust myself.
Those were moments when I realized I am utterly shattered as myself and literally became physical consequence, nothing more.
For sure I had apparently 'free' choices but within Self-investigation - I realize choice is never really a choice - especially when it is predictable. Or when just to prove not to be predictable to choose what is not predicted - is still of consequence, accumulation and influence.
It is always common sense what is the real deal: If choice exists, why do we not choose always what is best for all?
Is that worthy? For who and for what and actually why?
So if choice is deliberately to harm and abuse: how is that really free?
Who I am is of choice? So then what I am is of condition and then what is real of me?
Or is that a journey to find out what I am not, then who I really am then again: not of choice, but actual process of realization of who I am is not of choice: and then I am who I am, and if I could choose who I actually am, then what is what really choosing but already myself?
So this choice thing is really ridiculous, considering to be able to choose what is best for me, especially within the consideration of what is best for all. Because then choice is nothing but of consequence - again - and then what is best for all is always obvious, if we are able to consider the facts and take responsibility for who we are actually.
Actually to take responsibility for this big chunk of organic material which is typing currently is merely a choice - as you as well consider this as a possible point of self-reflection of how you ended up reading this right now in this very moment?
What points you walked through and directed yourself by and made being able to pinpoint the very decision what you, yourself made to read through this writing and who you really are within it?
I mean I am not fully aware of this either, but I see how I am acting based on the decision to write. Walking Desteni I Process Lite actually assists me within Self-realization. That is undeniable. Out of choice.
I am translating and within translation it is like I am really squeezing the writing through myself to be able to come out the best possible way to express it with the language I always used as my primarily, natural one - however as within writing I am actually and PHYSICALLY slowing down within and becoming the words I write - in this moment I type this - and this and then that: Hello there! Actually ~HERE~
I am these words within my mind and by that I am not in the super fast graph-thought-light-halo which is kind of untouchable and immaterial yet always surrounding and thought and reactions come one after another so fast I am barely aware of it - no.
Within writing I am slowing down to the physical - literally, like I must otherwise I can not type with full presence - otherwise I just think 100 things and write something about it:
Okay, I can try it: now I try to think and imagine stuff while try to type:
india ex trap realize awake
- you see - these are the keywords for the dream I had in the morning and I have tons of details about that dream, actually it was quite vivid, still - but within thinking through - I am so fast - and the reactions I had - I felt the energy arise in the body regarding to the memory and the lots of words, thoughts, pictures, feelings, the events, the story in that dream - and then I am here.
I know what I remember and what I understand about it - but to actually see - I write it down and by the words I see and I ground myself to the physical and I am stable.
And when reaction comes - I see it and I am still here - not like for one thought/picture - dozens pop up and for that dozens another dozen times dozens - that people trust - and then they feel, react and when it is good then they feel good, and when it is bad, they feel bad - and then they get used to it and that is sort of really fast and then in fact automatic - and then is that still of choice?
The actual associations coming up to specific words are still of and as choice, one by one? For instance the frequent words people use: What then pops up for these ones: Love, trust, fortune, value, taste, energy ?
See - my word of Trust has became automatic, so I acknowledge it: that it is not best for me and best for all either - and I do not say anymore I doubt myself - but I realized until I do not purify and re-define and specify the MEANING of the word TRUST - how can I trust anything?
So for me seems now as a pretty much foundation to investigate.
People do not like to investigate self, right, because that sounds like analytic, decomposing, like ruining the fun of flow, the moment, the feelings - as the religious, spiritual agendas also:
"Do not analyze too much, just ride the tide, blow the flow and feel the dragon of god or buddha or virgin mary jane or king of c(h)oke Ra.
Caution! Achtung, Warning, Attention: Self-automation ahead!
I mean if I really start using common sense on the religion material (any - even as: religion of Self) - I might start question too much and then I am unable to feel the deal, missing the point what is non taken but who am I to judge all mantras but even after all I tried and then I do not say it's bullshit but for me it's really bullshit: then some say I was not enough serious(or was too serious), I did not do enough, did not do it properly or still much to do for some several hundreds of thousand times before eating the fruit of the attainment of awareness.
Well, seeking for awareness, speaking for the devil: look at here: the physical is real. Touch yourself, the chair, the screen: it is fact. Fuck the space in the atoms, be gentle with denial or try with the brick wall, it stops you, test it: that real!
The most stable, reliable, consistent and assisting reality is this, the actual factual, mutual interconnectedness of everything revealing thing is what we have here and we can always reflect back, realize and directly become really aware of who we really are and where we are within our journey of existence: through and as this physical wherein we are all busy breathing all the time. This breath is physical, this is the Life in and as Substance what is here and we are separated from as ourselves through consciousness, energy.
Anything what is disregarding the priority of the physical is apparently self-made choice to go into the mood of flood of the consciousness of mind of energy, which is and always will be inferior and conditioned to the physical existence.
Energy is always of friction of this separation operation of consciousness from Substance.
So - - - - is it MY choice to see what I consist of and entail as the definitions, memories of the word TRUST?
How can I be anytime sure that it is myself who is driving the wheel of my eventuality and what precisely I can refer here as 'myself'?
The more I walk this Self-investigation - the thinner I see myself as 'me' and the bolder I see the Principle of Equality and Oneness as Life - and I am merely nothing but of consequence of energy of words - but as I stand - I find myself as an Individual expression equal to all - and that I walk, and share here.
This could be an introductory for the word: Trust, not much as decomposing but actually playing with the words - or the words play me?
Memories of trust:
I trusted 'my girl' with not cheating on me - and then she cheated me as I cheated her already but only in mind and I kicked her out of my bed, and then years later the same again she cheated me, but this time I already cheated her with my relationship with drugs, not with thoughts of girls: and kicked her out of my flat. Blame game trust of frust rat I was on the fly.
Sad, little heart has broken, well not really, but actually I learned not just give trust towards I hope will be worthy for - it's like the sell fish business: I put my money into something what then comes back more than I did put into(just as a child comes out from the hole I enjoy to stick into: apparently now here; well to make sure it is really good for the children to come, be the con-sider at I on insist and suggest to investigate Equal Money as viable Solution which is Best for All).
So then I trusted with guys who lived with me as we agreed on rent fee to share and they could not afford it and I always said fuck it, I am that good and they eventually bailed out themselves from that situation with their remorse and I was like, be friends, I do not care about some dozens of thousands, well - I will be more rich later on anyway!
And the askers came and I gave, shared, lent, gave away with sympathy and the trust thing was like alright, I trust my goodness here, I am such a great to lean on, come on everybody, free dope for anyone, we do not even lock the door, here is my cabinet, sure, bring your friends as well - oups where is that bass guitar what I've been given to and now it's gone and who is she anyway, looks familiar, alright, I am that good in those parties, it's always alright when the money comes that easier or even for free...
Trusting in the moment, the flow, the reality, the existence, the god, the energy, the drug, the siddhas, the lama, the guru, the acid, the crystal, the hat, the stem, the buddha, the friends, the artists, the girl, the experience, the pain: such a lame deal to figure out in the next moment what is so utterly bursting the bubble of immaculate perfection and the rock below the ocean is really scaring the shit out of me when I think of mother in the last moment and then I am still here and recon-sider my opposition on this word I sandcastled my thin, fragile nirvana to: Trust: I never trust you again!
Self-separation is of polarity of mind is of self-mutilation with each thought can be really personal and intimate but hey: no thing is new, all is the same repeating and accumulating since of the beginning of the sin of our fore- and fore- and fore-fathers and mothers and sisters and brothers we are all here equally in the same boat in all ways, any ways.
So that's about trust for today, I trust facts, physical, as self, so here+now returning back where I was, I just had to push this through and to say I enjoy writing like this, after all it is still a feeling what mostly I do not share because I see the shark teeth in it as biting my body with this energy and keeps me losing if I count on this kingship of consciousness, as an example of disregard practical common sense as fact as the physical.
reacting to women, as I just started with make-up last time and what else I react to with energy what I do not require anymore but I am going to PREVENT. And I do not fear from it or defining it bad - I just let it out from my system and then I can directly experience it as physical, not as reaction in mind with energy packages separating myself from equality and oneness here.