Tuesday, September 17, 2013

[JTL 109] Self-forgiveness: tiredness, energy, breath

Continuing from the previous post:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define thinking as action and prevention from things I do not want and preparation for things I want and not realizing within it I actually repeat past and react with energy what is opinion and not fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define thinking as clever and smart and not realizing it is the opposite - limited, separated, conflicted from facts as it is definition of the mind and facts do not need to be defined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that manifest conflict within me when experiencing physical suffering within me about what to do and not being sure how to handle uncomfortably within Self-honesty remaining undefined as presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound needs and definitions of my needs according to who I defined myself to be and act according to that and if not then compounding needs for doing who I've defined myself to be by accumulating energy of friction within of what I want to do but not doing so and then allowing each point one by one manifesting personality what will step forth and take over and do what it's purpose: accumulate desire to do something what was suppressed.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that there are limits within and as my human physical body and at energy rush experiences disregarding those and causing friction and conflict within when facing consequences for the decisions what I've made unaware in regards to being convinced that I am pushing my limits when actually I am abusing my human physical body for instance when acting from fear from not doing enough instead of letting go fear and seeing what is possible, what is practical, what is the consideration of my physical here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that breathing here I always defined as a quest, a to do, something to be done and wanting to control and direct not as myself as self here undefined but according to conditions, definitions of perceived separation which through manifesting conflict, friction and the very act of breathing not being here, stable, simple, undefined, consistent within physical awareness who I really am,.

I forgive myself that I have never consider/see/realize that the understanding and exposure that I am not breathing properly while being occupied between thoughts and energetic experiences is not enough, but I have to be specifically aware how and when I participate and WHY and within those moments PREVENTING to go after energy and remain here, directive, and within understanding the point I am facing is what about and be able to make decision and action undefined within natural, relaxing, life-aware breathing.

I forgive myself that I have not realized what means to be Life-aware, such as considering what is best for all life and beings in existence meanwhile considering myself as part of the whole as an individual expression and realizing the responsibility within already manifested creation of consequences of my actions breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have and accepted and allowed myself to define what is 'full breathing', what is 'normal breathing', what is 'healthy breathing' 'awareness breathing' and according to these words reacting automatically within not understanding what I am doing exactly as reaction, as energy, as consequence of friction of a self-definition what is in conflict with physical reality FACTS such as opinions, polarity-based feelings according to preferences, personality, desires, fears of the religion of self-interest of consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that with personal preferences I've manifested occupation within energy and meanwhile not realizing that being petrified, halted, suppressed, stopped within effective, physical breathing here within the physical sensation of awareness of my human physical body, breath by breath and never realizing that missing one breath means choosing opinion, based on definition, of fear of manifested consequence of disregarding what is here as facts as who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within accepting conflict within I am accepting conflict with-out therefore being equally responsible for the frictions causing in human systems as equal as one causing energetic frictions in and as my mind with what I am being influenced, occupied, directed by self-defined conditions of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force myself for breathing, trying to 'pump' dishonesty out from myself within the belief that simply breathing is enough to let go and transcend and solve dishonesties and never realizing that breathing is not enough but actual understanding, awareness, realization, specific action is required to stop reacting in the first place with what being occupied to such extent that disregarding what is here as facts as breathing as my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I focus to my breath and do it with force, I can wash away all the conflicts and reactions within and becoming somebody who can remain silent within simply by constantly applying this intent of force of breathing and never realizing that this is conditional and as it started, will end and then all the already existing points will come back deliberately as equal as one as I accept myself to exist within as conflict based on polarity of the mind - with participating within opinions what are not physical FACTS but the feeling coming with these frictions defining as energy as who I am and never realizing that this energy is always dependent on physical here, causing real conflicts, real abuse, real separation.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that believing I need to practice breathing effectively to be able to remain inner silent and never considering to be self-honest and see what is PREVENTING breathing within natural, undefined presence as expressing myself as Life as breathing here within direct physical participation with no separation in perception consistently, yesterday, today, tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with breathing it is like I am pushing a stone up to the mountain and always falling back and starting with it again when reactions I accept and allow as they come within as thoughts, feelings, emotions and then trying to push these down within and just wanting to get over with these with this force of pushing myself to breath within inner silence until I do not need to push but being able to remain silent as I've defined meditation works for me and never realizing that it is still of conditions and when I stand up and act - it will diminish as the energy compound will be gone and without that energy force I've manifested - I am the same as I started this breathing work: conflict within.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that each time I miss a breath - it is because I chosen reactions within and it is to investigate, to ask, to answer myself within self-honesty, what part of myself I am separated from directly being here as self-trust to express in all moments unwavering? And those to realize, understand, forgive, let go, remove within self-correction and self-commitment.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that self-commitment requires force within and wanting to push it until it does not need to be pushed within the belief that I will 'reach' a point where I do not have to be aware, and responsible, and here and expressing myself to ensure that I do not fall into the separation of mind of fear and desire and never considering that the very desire for this is trying to find a shortcut within responsibility for who I have become and what I require to let go as Life.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that self-commitment is myself and not required to have force to do it as it is a decision as myself therefore if I do it within conflict - I should stop the conflict first and stop the reason of conflict and make the decision what with I can stand unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a feeling for always missing something and allowing myself to be defined as always missing something or forgetting and never considering that what I want to do and I can do and yet I do not do it - it is of conflict, friction, conditions what I am separated from therefore to be sure what I am doing - I use scheduling, practical lists and meanwhile considering my limits and still to enjoy myself and that I do not have to disregard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my joy and by doing so defining myself as better as defining my enjoyment as bad, unnecessary and mind and never considering that within self-expression as who I am within self-honesty - I can experience joy without shame if I am here as all as one as equal as life and not taking things personally yet doing everything I can without abusing myself and practically remain consistent within my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define forgetting and forgetfulness as a protection from realizing everything what is here by always defining something as less important or more important and not realizing that prioritizing is alright however within that - things are equal within my expression as doing something one breath at a time and within that moment I am who I am and that is always equal and that is all who I can be and who I actually am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when forgetting something and not realizing that instead of self-judgment I can ensure that for next time I prevent it to forget by writing, using devices, remaining here and motivating myself within self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when tiredness is of the mind when there is no energy to disregard facts by stimulating with opinions of thoughts, feelings, emotions - and in that moment I commit myself to see what is here, what are the facts I judge with what starting point and why and see what is my responsibility for not standing here within and as the physical, which is the source.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I define tiredness when I do not have ability to disregard what is here and who I've defined myself to be as different from facts - being in conflict, friction with what is actually here as myself and judging this as exhausting and overwhelming and wanting to have something to overcome, occupied from, separated from to not take responsibility in all moments equally.


I commit myself to see what is not healthy for myself such as sleep deprivation and too much coffee and staying in environment what is directly unhealthy - and stop doing so - and seeing what is the most practical way to support myself to deal with what is here in that - why I push myself over the physical limits and stop it and see what is the starting point as fear from not doing enough, not moving effectively and deal with that directly.

I commit myself to not allow myself to remain in unhealthy environment just because I can take and then rest more and allowing 'extra' tiredness within the hope that later it will be better - and I act immediately and trust myself in the moment or if not, I write it down and come to common sense decision and act accordingly.

I commit myself to realize and act that if I have to wake up early morning and perform for all day, late night I do not drink coffee, even a little, because then my sleep cycles will be disturbed and I will be disoriented, distracted, tired, exhausted what within I have the tendency to manifest conflicts within, so I stop the temptation of staying up longer for 'do more' and I stop fearing from not doing enough by doing all what I can while considering my body, my physical here.

I commit myself to stop conflict within according to how much I do and stop judging myself of not doing enough and I commit myself to stop the mind to tell me who I must be, how I must be and I trust myself within direct presence and realize and accept my current physical location as manifested consequences of the past and work with that undefined.

I commit myself to stop defining breathing as has to be forced and not realizing that I can be breath and not requiring to define what is breath.

I commit myself to allow myself to rest when I am exhausted and use common sense to prevent next time to not be effective naturally and stop comparing myself with the mind within with what is here as fact as reality.

I commit myself to embrace facts as myself and work and trust myself with and as what is physically here without defining or judging that what I perceive currently is all what exists.

When and as I am tired and exhausted - I stop and rest if I can - if not then I use common sense and consider myself for long term and allow my human physical body to not overused and exhausted within the constant realization that I am my human physical body as equal as one.

When and as I think - I realize there is something I am not direct with as equal as one and within separation I use polarity of the mind of judgments to use energy to balance out this separation what will always be conditional and not fully myself within consistency as self-honesty as the starting point is fear and not life therefore I stop unconditionally, I understand/see/realize the point of perception of separation taken granted and I forgive, stop, let go, remove and prevent myself going into it until I am equal and one within expression with the point as myself.

When and as I fear from consequences of not knowing, not being able to handle or not doing enough, I stop, I see what I can do and what I actually do and I work with and focus to facts.

When and as I fear not breathing effectively, properly, naturally, I stop and realize it is the occupation what prevents me to be aware of my physical as breath - so I realize what I am busy within experiencing, reacting and I stop that within understanding.

When and as I fear from not doing enough or forgetting things - I prioritize and use tools to schedule and use common sense to remain effective and trust myself within action.

When and as I see the need of enjoying myself or things - I trust myself and I allow myself to be joyful and not defining it as not required, not myself but allowing myself to be game and enjoy game within self-honesty without fearing that I will do it more than required.

When and as I fear from wasting time with game and joy - I realize - the fear from not being able to be joy is that what blocks me enjoy myself in all moments and compounding the need, desire, energy to do towards joy by definition what is unnecessary, so I stop it, I breathe, and I actually enjoy myself undefined.

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