Monday, September 2, 2013

[JTL 103] Anxiety from feeling not using time effectively

This experience of separation came up recently within that when feeling like not using weekends effectively, meaning wanting to experience more than actually doing. Preventing to accumulate here.

I forgive myself that I define myself according to how I was yesterday and defining myself as stable according to memories yet in this moment allowing myself to hold onto a feeling of that definition and misunderstanding what is stability in terms of not giving into the energetic temptation of feelings what stops me to be the same yesterday, today, tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use worry and fear without being aware of to balance out my actions in order to have these feelings of 'defined myself being stable' and then by that feeling suppressing the 'original' fear of not being stable.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that any fear of not being stable and the recognizing it does not solve anything because then if I do not understand where it comes from, actually from very specific participations what I am within currently and not being self-honest to go to the deepest core of it's starting point - I am band aiding my worry and fear what I suppress and manifests as energy compound as anxiousness, anger, depression what makes me more reactive than being aware of that I must be directive in all moments.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what exactly I react to in specific situations because it is too fast while I allow myself to be occupied in my conscious mind with thoughts/feelings/emotions meanwhile what I've programmed into and as my human physical body to feel and react - will go automatically.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the necessity to let go thoughts/feelings emotions is not the solution but the foundation to start dealing with the issues within my subconscious, unconscious what is already programmed into and as my human physical body and to be aware of it I require to stop the occupation to be aware of the body, how the body reacts to situations and by that becoming aware of the subtle changes and stop myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I disregard the physical awareness of my body when not breathing within presence awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself who likes to be alone in the weekends because of if I do not define it and do not have the reaction for defining so, then I might end up being with people within what I do not do what I really want in terms of progress of my commitments and within that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to split within by wanting to be with people meanwhile if I do see my priorities I am not comfortable to be with people because I've defined not really important and relevant and supporting what I mostly do with people IRL compared to what I can do and actually do in terms of my commitments of writing, courses, process and equal money-related activities what I decided to do.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am not self-honest with myself in terms of not being able to direct what I really want and that to say, communicate to people within the worry, fear that I might seem not logical to them and they might judge me and in fact I judge myself and my relationship with them and based on that judgment I go into reaction and then doing what I see in the moment of the feeling as I am supposed to do instead of stopping, breathing, seeing the whole day, myself, the person(s) and decide within common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to already realize and see this within me how I compromise my self-trust and self-direction within the consideration of my previously defined relationship with people and the worry of losing it and not correcting it in and as the moment, each moment it comes up and allowing it to come up because I am in that moment already occupied with another things as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be occupied with things meanwhile I also have points to really deal with and not accept it and as within doing separated things automatically within conscious mind and within feelings in the body and actually doing things and saying things and not being all as equal as one as myself as the words as who and what I am living therefore not being unified, not being fully in and as the moment as expression but fragments and fractions of past, present, future of consciousness and not realizing that this is not Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I am not scheduling, prioritizing my days, then time will go and I allow reactions to direct me and in fact when I am clear and able to decide within common sense what is best for me, then not giving the opportunity to myself to act accordingly and blame the scheduling as not working for me and not realizing that within blaming I only blame myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to use weekends effectively because allowing friction and conflict by opposite definitions within the polarity of 'structure'/'spontaneous' and wanting to get both at the same time and within and as the mind it is not possible.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see the solution as decomposing the words I am experiencing conflict within to reacting to such as relaxing, resting, enjoying, entertaining, gaming versus working, doing job, progressing, doing my commitments and never realizing that I can actually do work, job, progress, commitments while being relaxed, enjoying and that I can immediately correct within myself to actually see why I am not enjoying and doing progress in a relaxed way and seeing what is this tension what I allow meanwhile expression, especially recently realizing I am capable of being active while being relaxed at the same time in and as the body and mind without stress, energy, compulsion, force.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that resting and entertainment is required because of releasing the tension, frictions, frustration, the opposite of being relaxed and within self-honesty still I can give some time for actually enjoying myself with watching/doing film, listening/dancing to/making music and meet people.

I commit myself to stop manifesting conflict within myself during the weekends where I want to rest and be busy at the same time and not realizing that if I am not clear, then both wanting to do at the same time and that cause conflict if I am reacting by definitions of what is relaxing, enjoying, resting and what is work, job, progress, commitment to do.

I commit myself to remain self-honest within decision making when I do something and if I go into ambiguousness or doubt or self-judgment, conflict, even as a feeling, I stop and I write a list what is practical and can be done on that day and actually do it.

When and as I feel like there is a tension and I am suppressing breath, I pose my body into uncomfortably, even at computer, while reading, while doing food, speaking with someone - I see within directly what is the reason within my mind and how I can stop the conflict and tension and uncomfortably and when possible, I act and if not then I consider is it important to continue? And if yes then I discipline myself to do it for instance things I've defined as boring, robotic for instance shopping and I re-align myself with presence and be aware that in any moment I can express myself undefined and unlimited and actually enjoy even going to shopping or shoveling shit as when I do it, I do it because it must be done as I decided so and that I make it done simply and effectively without the judgment of positive and negative.

When and as I worry of not using time effectively, I check myself what is the reason of this feeling and am I self-honestly using time effectively considering principle and my location? And if not, then I re-align and act accordingly and and if yes, then I stop this worry and I trust myself and I remain here, disregard thoughts, definitions, whatever comes up, I forgive, I let go, I breathe.

When and as I fear from wasting time I realize it is because I am not here, I am not breathing effectively, because I am not absolutely Self-honest, and I re-align myself, I realize what is the reason, the starting point of such mis-alignment from HERE and I breathe and act and trust myself within my decision.

When and as I worry about not using my time effectively, I really look into myself and I use lists and time schedule and I KEEP it and giving myself the structure for stop worry and accumulate Self-trust and Self-confidence and Self-will breath by breath.

When and as I think that I should do something because I did not do it since a while, I realize I suppressed this doing so and I look what is the reason this coming up and what is the reason of requiring energy and inner dialogue to persuade myself to do this instead of just doing it?

When and as I think I must have rest and entertainment, I check: is this from anxiety of not doing my priorities to feel good? And if yes, then I do my priority and realize, the entertainment will always wait for me, and I can use time effectively to PREVENT anxiety.

I realize this feeling of anxiety of not using time effectively comes up when I am not fully here, not directing, not being clear and not being-self-honest for a reason(or reasons), so I see what is the reason and I realize the solution and I stop it by applying the solution within self-trust.

I commit myself to not accept myself to live within anxiety any worry, I stop the conflict and the reason for it and if it is not clear, I investigate, I forgive, I let it go word by word, breath by breath.
To be continued, meanwhile study and learn so much from this new education:

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