[JTL 88] Be Change instead of self-judgment

 

Continuing on:

•  [JTL 87] Understanding and be direct change

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within judging things about me as positive or negative I am becoming who I am as judgment and definition and giving permission to the very condition within I've allowed to judge myself to define who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize/see/understand the common sense to change myself instead of judging myself as negative within self-acceptance by self-definition.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see the common sense to change myself in aspects what I did define that it is not who I want to be because of definition of that is who I am and that I do not like, accepting a relationship within separation with me.

This is part of when started to vlogging in 2008 and judged my speaking, my expression, my gestures as awkward, peasant-like and wanting to change but not knowing how to or what to and within self-judgment as 'negative' I've suppressed the dislike towards myself and never considered to see what is the reason of self-judgment within comparison with memory in regards to others who I've defined as I want to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I see directly within myself as I do not want to be like that automatically - it is of fear to judge myself and go into reaction of thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that within judging myself as negative and my expression with negative charge as 'bad', 'weak', as 'immature', as 'awkward', as 'wobbling', as 'peasant-like', 'uneducated' - I've lost within reactions of thoughts/feelings/emotions towards the definitions I've made towards myself and never considered to directly change myself.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize/see/understand that self-judgment is for covering up as justification and excuse for not changing, not changing myself in regards to the subject of the judgment's reason as fear.

I forgive myself that I have defined myself who I am according to fear from changing because who I've defined myself to be was fear from not changing and lost myself within reactions towards fear from changing, fear from not changing.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the common sense within actually changing myself without self-judgment, fear but with self-direction and self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the starting point for changing as self-doubt, self-judgment, fear, in fact fear from not changing as fear from fear of loss.

Wow is this real?

Fear from fear of loss and even fear from losing fear of loss.

How ridiculous can human be and if this writing does not get practical meaning, is this a philosophical mental-masturbation through wordplay?

Is it self-doubt or self-honesty?

When and as I fear from changing as defining who I am based on self-judgment - I stop, I breathe, I let the fear and definition go.

When and as I see I judge something within me as I do not like this within me - I use common sense is it something what I can change? And I directly change - or if it is something I can not change here such as the pale skin and it's tendency to burn under sun I have, then I embrace myself and see why the judgment is here and what is showing and I stop the starting point of it and I stand undefined.

When and as I go into the inner loop of fear from loss and fear from losing even fear of loss - I stop and I let everything go and I remain here, considering what is here and what is practical to actually do and I express myself within self-trust doing it as undefined, breathing.

When and as I see thoughts, feelings, emotions within reactions towards myself as self-judgment of what I do not want to be - I let go the judgments, feelings, thoughts, emotions and I re-align myself with and as direct physical change as undefined, presence, expression here.

I commit myself to stop all self-judgment within me and investigate all starting point of self-judgments within me to stop all reactions as thoughts, feelings, emotions towards me within fear and inferiority and within the moment of seeing what I do not want to be like - I directly change myself within practical consideration and understanding of how and why I am like I am in regards to the point I judge and what to I change, meaning not having intent but being aware of what and how I do it.

I commit myself to constantly remember that self-judgment is for cover-up for not changing and in the moment of inner reaction of thought, feeling, emotion I do not accept it, I do not follow it, I remain here, undefined, yet directive.

I commit myself to stop all intent towards changing myself and actually be the change I want to be within practical consideration of what is here and what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and worry about what about aspects of me I do not know and not being sure and how to have a 'plan' to change myself when I do not know who I really am, but only seeing this, who I am currently manifested is not who I really am, so then the practical plan is to stop myself and not go into the same pattern again and remain here and when the automation, urge, breeze of suggestion comes from my mind - I let it go, I stand within the realization that I have written this through, I have understanding, I made the commitment, I am directing here, so I remain here as exploring what is here beyond this self-definition-based reaction and I trust myself in and as the moment within considering what is here.

EQAFE is very practical within Self-support and education of the mind-reality-life relationship, that's why the links within the document - I suggest to check out, there are quite some available for free!

[JTL 66] Absolute Self-honesty Here is the Only Real Home

I write again about tiredness, thoughts, it was worthy, I did not wander that much in the mind but after some days I did not direct this within consistency so then happened again:
I was in bed while already awaken yet physically looking like still sleeping while I was thinking, pictures came in the mind, having thoughts as silently judging one after an other and once again: I say, ENOUGH and I physically wake up and focus myself to what is here.

After wrote the post about it:

• [JTL 64] Breathing presence versus tiredness of mind

I was judging myself that 'well, it was cool', yet I did not JUDGE that it is enough, yet I did not accumulate this as Self-direction into and as Consistency so then it did not really MATTER to the fact that today I was allowing and accepting it again.
And I trust myself to a degree that I am sure that this is important - really - because it is the starting point of my day: it influences, directs, determines who I am whether I acknowledge it or not.
While I write here and I suppress my breathing or even if I CONTROL my breath pretending being aware of what is really here: to realize and not accept it: it is hell, important!
I talked with somebody yesterday and I told him that if I go into automation, if I am allowing myself to degrade myself into a self-automated reaction-organic machine - nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care - how anyone would realize if we all do the same damn thing?
But to accept myself this way and not direct myself each day to do the actual and only relevant job in my life to sort this out is really something what can piss me off and after all no one we can blame for what we experience as ourselves because each and every single thought is a judgment in our own court, in our own backyard meanwhile we focus on problems in the country, trying to see beyond the curtain while it is all here as ourselves within and as each moment.

What I see in this very moment that I have taken granted something what is not here as awareness - within going into activities what I did not understand, seemingly irrelevant, innocent while in fact I am reacting to it, I am accepting my own relationship towards my own thoughts related to external influences, even in a very simple thing: watching a film, playing a game.
Then the breeze flows through my backbone as emotions I accumulate and I am not aware of what is really going on.
The spiritual agenda promotes this as free love and liberating energy meanwhile if I look it as it is - self-accepted slavery by the simple fact that I do not know what is this exactly - I see only that I see, hear things and I have reaction and I react to this inner reaction and then this feeling arise and by that I am entertained then I scratch my head about what am I doing?

I started to watch some new episodes of a series I've watched before and my thoughts were like: This is not that cool as the old ones, well it isn't funny, ah okay, sometimes it is funny, but overall, it is not good enough.
And after bombarding myself into this reactions and got tired and went to sleep - just waking up to the realization that I lost presence and lost principle and this might seem to be hard and too harsh but this is how we accumulate lack of self-direction, self-empowerment, self-realization and that is why we just watch the news about everything is sinking and being ruined and literally we do not even understand it exactly the same way we apparently do not get how we operate in and as our minds towards the very experiences we take refugee within apparently by our own choice what is a joke if we try to DIRECTLY change ourselves, it is like a mountain of judgments, reactions we have built in our past what apparently gives the RIGHT to agree with ourselves that this is who we are and should be prevailed in all costs.

So it is not a game to re-align myself and commit myself to walk the mind within consistency, as I see that even in 1-2 days it accumulates quite fast to a degree that for hours I am automated into a self-interest reaction machine and my friends, family, workmates, neighbors can not assist me in this one because they are not aware of it as they are not aware of their OWN automated mind as well so the cards are in my hand so to speak and I must admit that the bet is not only myself but my surroundings, my reality what is being shared with others so then even if I do not move my ass and raise my voice and use my hands to sort out the mess for myself then at least for the principle of What is best for all I should - if I want to look into the mirror of eternity and I do.

So self-correction is required to specify and not just write and say about it but to fine tune and be practical and literally transform myself in all ways to PREVENT myself to go into the thought-chain of self-judgment degradation by the addiction to energy, the slavery of polarity, the delusion of the mind, the religion of self, it does not matter how we call it, but if you get it, you know what I mean, and if you don't, start your own research, study:
DESTENI I PROCESS LITE is invaluable to have basic LIFE skills for what it means to develop practical skills to walk out the self-dishonesty of our own mind.

When and as I experience tiredness - I remember to not define myself as tired - I see within that this tiredness is actually real - as physical as body - or is it just lack of energy of mind so I stop, I let everything go and I consider that do I need to rest or do I need to do something to let go this tiredness of mind such as a relaxation for a couple of minutes or requiring to hydrate or eat something and if yes then doing so otherwise I stop and allow myself to let everything go what is not physically here.

When and as I experience that I am tired as not being here as physically as presence within breathing - I realize then this self-defined tiredness is of and as mind so I stop and see what i am doing/experiencing within and is that really self-honest or am I talking to myself within or am I thinking about myself or am I lack of direction.

When and as I think about something I realize this is the source and the destination of my tiredness as by thinking I will be tired as mind and when I am tired I think so it is a trap of 22 so I stop and I direct myself to stop thinking.

When and as I experience myself stressed I stop and I breathe - I realize I am stressed because of a particular specific fear what I am not aware of so within stopping myself I look within and see what is moving within and that is of and as fear as inner reflection as backchat for instance as thoughts what then I direct myself to stop participating and regard what is here physically.

When and as I am becoming angry to something, I realize I am becoming angry at myself what I have programmed myself to suppress quite soon so then after some moments I will not be aware of, I will not remember, I will not understand unless I assist and support myself with practical Self-honesty as Writing, Sounding, Recording, and Sharing as Self-forgiveness and Self-correction what can be practically stabilized within consistency therefore I do not lose Self-direction, I do not 'adventure away' with another thoughts of judgments of 'this is important' or 'this is cool realization' or 'this I should do' or 'after this activity, later on I should write about it' - because that is excuse and I realize it and I walk through it, and I push myself into direct action to stop the internal, delusional 'self-living' through and as thoughts, feelings and emotions and I bring myself here into and as physical beingness and I allow myself to breath my body properly, naturally, and I stop directing my breathe by judging it that then it is 'Self-direction' because that is only for some moments until I judge myself as 'now I am brought back here' and then I follow another judgment - this also I stop and I simply am here and not by any force but as Self-decision, Self-direction, Self-honesty.

When and as I see, realize, understand that I do not do my daily commitment of writing within Self-honesty, I realize it is a judgment, a hope and in fact an occupation what has the starting point of fear, fear of not having enough time, fear from fall behind from something I've judged as value meanwhile the only real value of myself is to walk out from self-judgments within consistency.

I commit myself to re-align myself with daily writing within structure, to find a rhythm with I can write without force, without any con or interest but as Self-honesty.

I commit myself to not take refugee within the religion of self as hope, as fear but to assist and support myself with practical consistency within writing, sounding, exploring and stabilizing Self-forgiveness in each moment.

I commit myself to wake up in the morning as moment as me, as breath as me, as life as Self-honesty each day and not accepting thoughts and energetic simulations but waking up directly in and as one moment and being here physically and whatever else I experience as: happens - it is me only what must be investigated, corrected, walked through unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have never considered/realized that the real home of myself is Here within absolute Self-honesty in each moment and anything else I accept is not really who I am but of consciousness systems of fear of accumulated disregard to All Life.
I commit myself to always remember and be aware of that the home of myself is Here within Absolute Self-honesty in each moment.
When and as I disregard, forget, let go, lose the practical realization of that my only real home is Self-honesty Here in each moment - I stop whatever I participate within, I let everything go, I re-align myself with Practical Self-honesty and Equality and Oneness as Principle and I stand as the Unification of Man already to see within and as what must be stopped, released, removed from the very core of my being completely.

[JTL] Day 2 - Sexual deprogramming

I continue to reveal and walk through the same point what I started in the last post, Human Relationships  this time focusing on the attraction-women-sex-related automatic reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define some woman as special because the inner reactions I participate within myself regarding to sensing them around me as exciting and arousing.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that in fact I can program myself into reacting towards anything as arousing by continuous participation within inner judgments for instance defining that type of body as attractive.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the sexual desire what I experience within towards women is in fact a desire to be intimate with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define to be intimate means that I do require somebody who with I can 'be intimate' instead of realizing that intimacy means in to me I see.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by participation in such desire as I need somebody to be with sexually to be intimate with - means that I define myself as intimacy only if I am with the partner I've defined myself 'good enough' for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as the ultimate occupation as mostly in any time I am open to be stimulated sexually by the pictures/sounds regarding to sex by what I've defined as arousing and exciting.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined sex as attention divertion from the real world responsibilities by defining sex as the ultimate goal for satisfaction.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by reacting to pictures of women's bodies with arousal I am actually programming myself to always react automatically on the same way even when I would not like to in the moment for instance when a woman walks by with few clothes on and it is a type of shape what I've defined many times as attractive, then I am automatically pulling my head towards it to just see it, even when I would not really want to for instance when I am within a conversation with someone.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to sex and according to judgments, beliefs, desires regarding to sex with woman who I define as attractive.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that at times I use sexual desire and arousal as energy source when I am tired, I just participate within thoughts, feelings, emotions regarding to sex and I am not tired anymore, I am in fact ready to action like this would be my purpose to be available for sex all the fucking time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always define sex as not enough instead of realizing that this is just a hamster-wheel, wherein the more I react to it, the more I can wheel myself into it to react towards it more and more until the day is gone.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself regarding to sex about what I do want and what I do not want.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that defining woman as sex-object I am in fact responsible for the perceived separation from woman because I am reacting to my definition of 'her' without allowing to 'let in' impressions directly from experiencing 'her' in reality.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I can be automatically stimulated by pictures and sounds of 'attractive women' then I can be directed by my own self-definitions regarding to women and sex.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I defined sex as a must while at times playing as it is not really important to me to not needing to realize in how extent I am addicted to it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by defining intimacy as sex with 'attractive woman', I am defining an external dependency to be intimate with myself instead of realizing that intimacy is not equals sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there is a list within me what entails what I am attracted to sexually and whenever I face experiences what I can define according to these items of this list, I am automatically react to with attraction, excitement.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do not explore 'Self-intimacy' as myself, then I can not be intimate with other regardless of sex.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I exactly desire for and why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define young adult woman with less clothes on as attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define directly visible woman's body shape as sexually stimulating.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define white, narrow, transparent clothes on women as sexually arousing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define visible woman tit's shape as interesting, exciting, sexually arousing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame women 'on the street' who show their body explicitly for the automatic reactions I allow within as sexually arousing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define visible woman's tit's shape as a trigger for wanting to grab those tits immediately because I've defined grabbing woman's tits as preferable in any time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame women for allowing the want within me to touch them what I do not really do and that friction within me creates energy, compounded automatic reaction system what will influence me even when I am really with a partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself powerless within the situation of being around with multiple women who I defined as sexually attractive yet I fear to touch them to face the consequence directly of such a want because I am sure that these women 'on the street' would not really want me to touch them.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that woman take clothes what pronounces their body about how attractive they can be sexually, that they do it for the inner reactions within themselves regarding to how they perceive other's attraction towards them.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have allowed myself to be programmed by media and others about what exactly is sexually attractive and what is not, about what type of body is the most stimulating for me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the current human system, for those who catalyze human behavior in great scale by media, they create values what are not real, they continuously repeat to show what is good and what is bad and as I react to these, I am being influenced by it by the very act of Self-dishonesty of participating within desire towards something what I've defined as attractive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a definition within me as 'women on street' as a self-created perception about separation, about how they are separated from me, how they are defined within my head as starting point as sex-objects.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a category within my head when I am on street/mass transit etc that 'women' - meaning the picture presentation of them I've defined within me as 'me here', 'they there' - and from the very moment of participation within such perceptional separation - I have the right to think or imagine or internally react to whatever I am pleased to do instead of realizing that I am limiting myself to not be open and not being able to directly experience them as 'real, physical beings' but only through the definitions existing within me what I re- and reinforce within me by reacting the same way - in this example with sexual attraction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define as 'cool' to see other men to react to women with sexual attraction and judging them as 'automations' and thinking of 'them' and judging them as 'fools' instead of realizing that in fact I am projecting Self-judgment because when I see others react with sexual attraction, in that moment I do not do so, therefore in that moment I am not the 'fool' but the 'cool' who see others how and why are 'fool' and when I do not focus onto 'others who are reacting with sexual attraction' but focusing to 'women on street' then I'd do the exact same thing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy to expose others being automatically sexually attracted to picture presentations of others - because in that moment I judge them as fools, while also I judge them as 'this is normal, therefore it is normal if I do so as well' to justify what I am really doing and to equalize the 'negative feeling' for acknowledging that I am not really present when I am automatically reacting with a 'positive feeling' of 'this is normal and that woman is in fact attractive'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I participate inner reactions towards women who are not my partner who with we are agreed to do sex - it is self-dishonesty to continuously participate within suppressed sexual desire towards them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that woman and sex is the goal for I do work in the system to have an existence what I can financially have to maintain to be able to have sex what I've defined as goal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing sexual attraction and judging it as bad, I am creating unnecessary frustration within me instead of releasing the obsession with woman bodies and focusing to the physical with the principle of 'what is best for all'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I projected responsibility for my sexual attraction reaction towards women to society and to media instead of realizing that I am in the first place who allowed in the knowledge and information about what is attractive and what is not by reacting to it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the more I wheel myself into reactions towards sex, the more I am being directed by the conditions of the appearance of these reactions with my permission and continuous participation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use polarity to define sex as good or as bad instead of realizing that direct physical sex within the starting point of Self-support when the other is also being considered as equal physical being, then sex is very alright - but it is no more than other aspects of myself, it is time to equalize all of me without wanting to suppress or pronounce parts of me by past-fear-based self-definitions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the current human system sex is being used for generating revenue.

When I do have an agreed partner who with I do sex only, I realize - I do not need to wonder and consider every possibility to react with sexual arousement - we just meet and do sex and that's all.
When I go to 'street'/'public' - I realize the picture presentations of women are also physical beings just like me, if I react to 'them' with sexual attraction - it is nothing of them, only me and the picture of them as me reacting to the picture instead of realizing that I can let go of this personality by remain inner silent and physically here.
When a woman approach my field of view who I've defined as sexually attractive - I realize - this is because I continuously programmed myself to react automatically with affection by: seeing the picture, re-defining the picture as attractive and then that 'attractiveness' projecting back to the being what is obviously Self-dishonesty, what is merely an attempt to escape the point of responsibility for what I am doing.
So When I see a woman, I realize, I do not require to judge her as 'sexually attractive' or 'sexually not attractive' or 'a bit attractive' - I remain here and I allow myself to not react inside by breathing here and focusing to the physical.
When I see woman who shows her body explicitly, for instance directly seeing her body shape, her feet, her ass, her tits, nipples her face etc, then I remain physically here, I do not need to re-define this as 'sexually attractive' and then physically reacting with arousal but I breathe, I realize I re-live the connection with the words within my head and it is not real from the perspective of 'her and me'.
When I experience need for sexual activities - I check - it is a reaction towards impulses what automatically I define what I immediately stop to participate for or it is my human physical body what wants to experience gentleness, care, joy etc and I approach my partner who I agreed to do sex with.
When I am tired, I do not use sexual arousal by reacting to pictures/sounds to energetically boost me for not wanting to be tired instead of realizing that after the arousal I will be just more tired meanwhile I was just wheeling up energetically without myself as self being here.
When I face women who expose her body, I do not judge her, I do not blame her, I see: do I have inner reaction arising within me towards her or the image of her - and if yes, then I immediately stop, breathe, forgive, let go and delete the definition within me and committing myself to stop it and remain here physically without the tendency for needing to define women regarding to my definitions of attraction.
When I face with sexually explicit content within the media, especially ads and movies, I realize it is about money.

I commit myself to let go all inner definitions, preoccupations regarding to sex, regarding to women and be the Self-directive in all moments by being able to consider principle as 'what is best for all'.
I commit myself to let go of all existing definitions within me regarding to what is sexually attractive and what is not.
I commit myself to expose how the human mind operated regarding to energetic reactions/suppressions/compounding energetic personalities/characters what influence, control, even take over within my physical acting what is unacceptable.
I commit myself to expose the current media system and subliminal manipulation regarding to sex to educate us especially the children who come to this earth open and they are being programmed to be in fact the mind's sex-slave.
I commit myself to become entirelly physical being without the constant need for define things regarding to polarities such as good and bad, negative and positive.
I commit myself to remain unwavering, untouchable, constant and consistent within my presence, within my inner clarity of who I am and what is best for me and what is best for all.
I commit myself to do sex with partner who I agreed with only to not fuck around and not being directed by desires and 'jack in the box' suppressed desires what would take over and direct me to show equal and one what I have accepted and allowed myself to become.
I commit myself to STOP the energetic mind to react to within and as me.